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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: martc70 on June 11, 2010, 04:29:11 PM
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We lost our 8 year old daughter in January. She died from complications of a prolonged seizure. I don't really know what to say. I'm pretty lost. She had special needs so I took care of her 24/7. I don't think anyone in my world understands and most don't want to. Anyway just found the group and thought I'd check it out.
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I'm so so deeply sorry about your little girl's death. It's something that is uncomprehendable. What is her name? Please share as much as you can with us. You are welcome here, very welcome. We all walk this same path, one that none of us ever wanted. My son Taylor was fourteen when he was hit by a car and died. Love to you. Bren
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I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Everyone understands your pain here. I hope you find healing here as I have. Unfortunately our children are dieing so young. Always wishing it was different.
My son Chad died in a car accident in 1996. He was 21. Its a long hard journey we now live but a time comes when healing begins, its different for us all.
Please when your able tell us about your daughter. We share the good and the bad here.
Thinking of you
Deb
Forever loved and missed, Chad, Chad and Cory.
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We are a group unto ourselves because only we know. U r so new, the pain is so raw. We just hit our 5 years with the loss of our 31 year old son, Jason. He had a heart attack. He didn't live with us, although nearby and I don't think he knew he had heart problems or if he did, he never told us. He was very funny, and had beautiful blue/green eyes. He made the girls melt. My heart hurts for losing him... I have found that this site helps me write my feelings as no other place or talking does. We are in a minority (thank G-d) but the majority does not want to know much about us. I have come to believe that others just chalk it up... it being our loss. After a while, other talk around us, as if we have forgotton our beloved children. I don't think they mean to... I think it is just ignorance on their part. Most of the time I ignore others... sometimes I walk away... sometimes I say something. It all depends on the moment. We have lost some friends and my sister even stopped talking to me a while after Jason died. I think of the few people that we have stopped communicating with, we may have said or done something that they didn't like or they fear us... like we have a disease.. Yes, I have the disease of wanted Jason back so fiercely and I cannot do anything about it. As was said here before, please let us know ur daughters name and anthing else u want or need to talk about now.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
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Welcome to Webhealing,
I am so deeply sorry your precious daughter died. You have my heart. I understand feeling lost and also afraid and alone. As you are able, please tell us more about your little one. I know she was precious and I know your world is turned upside down right now.
Although we all grieve differently, we all understand the deep pain from losing a child.
Please post anytime, day or night. There is always someone here to listen. You are never alone. I first found this site when my son, Jeff died and I was so lonely and was so grateful that there were others who understood all of my feelings. That still remains very important to me.
Thank you for sharing your little girl with us.
Sending you a Big Hug ((((((((martc))))))))
My love,
Terry
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Thanks for the welcome. Her name is Hannah Gabrielle. She was nearly 9 years old when she passed away. She was beautiful inside and out. I really miss her. I washed her bedding last night and had no idea how it would affect me. We recently moved and I took it and realized as I put it in the washer that it was the first time I'd washed it since she last laid on it.
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(((((Hannah's Momma)))))
Such a beautiful name, Hannah Gabrielle! A beautiful angel. I know she had to bring so much joy and love into your life, as our babies did.
Sending another Big Hug (((((((((Hannah's Momma)))))))))
My love,
Terry
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I'm sure after spending nearly the last nine years caring for Hannah, you don't even know how to spend your day and a huge part of you is missing.
We lost infant twin girls nine years ago. They died about 8 days apart. One died of natural causes, the other in an accident in the hospital nursery. The first five years were rough. Though we still carry the scars and must still deal time to time with the repercussions, we have a lot of joy in our lives as well. We carry them with us as we move forward.
wishing you peace, sarah
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My boys bought me tickets to see the play "Wicked" for Mother's day. My husband and I went to see it today. There is a song in the play called, "For Good". It was read at a memorial service held at the hospital where Hannah died. I know the people around us had to think we were strange because we both broke down when it came to that part of the play. We just never know when our loss is going to hit us the worst. It's there all the time but it hits harder sometimes than others. I'm at the point where I just want to stay in the house all the time so I won't make other people uncomfortable. Does it get better?
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I can only speak for myself --- some people say the pain gets "softer" or "different", but not necessary "better". For me, it definitely got "better" --- I spent the first year after fantasizing about dying myself. I was almost completely non-functional. I like to think of it as it gets easier, but is never easy, the pain doesn't go away, but joy comes back and provides balance. The bad days are eventually less. I wouldn't go back to the early days, not for a million dollars.
You don't have to stay in the house, unless it helps you. Nature is healing, even if only temporarily. Spend time with whoever you can that is patient and not holding their breath waiting for you to feel better and return to "normal". I know its hard.
peace, Sarah
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I'm so very sorry to hear of Hannah's passing. What a precious little girl. This is a wonderful place to be when you need support. Everyone here understands.
I lost my son 3 years ago in a motorcycle accident. It has gotten easier, but mostly just recently. I still get blindsided and cry. I don't care what others think if I cry, I really don't. I'm crying for my baby. I just don't want to cry at work, but still do. I hide in my room, or if I'm with students, I tell them I have allergies. I do worry about what people would think there for some reason.
I recently started playing my son's electric guitar a little. When I say "play", I really just mean attempt to play! Just this morning I grabbed my son's electric guitar and an old guitar book and took it out on the patio to practice. When I opened it, there were papers from when Michael took guitar lessons, and sheet music of his. I cried and cried. I don't know if I'd ever seen those before and I really don't think so. I had put his guitar book into my piano bench after he died and today was the first day I'd looked at it. It felt so much like Michael was visiting me somehow. He was playing "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters and some other songs....
Love,
Annette
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((((( Hannah's Momma )))))
You asked if it get's better? Yes, it does but it takes a lot of time, a lot of patience and doing the 'work-of-grief' which is dealing with all of your emotions as you are able. This is such a long and difficult journey, but you are not alone. Always remember that.
Have you started a journal? It has always been another life-line for me. Coming here and sharing, day and night, whatever I was feeling I would have to say has been the best therapy.
It took me about 3 years before I heard the call to return to life again. Life is good right now but it has been due to hard work on my part and, an ocean of tears.
In these early weeks, months and even years, take care of yourself the best you are able to. Resting if you are not able to sleep. Eating well. Walking or any other form of exercise.
You also mentioned that others don't understand. No, they don't. They can't unless they have also lost a child. That's why communing with others who 'do' understand is so very important.
My little girl died many years ago, she was also very sick and the last year of her life was spent in Children's Hospital. I understand when we devote every waking moment, dedicating and sacrificing all of our time for one precious life and then over night, they are gone and we are so, so lost. I understand.
We are all here for you.
You have my love and thoughts of your sweetest Hannah, always,
Terry
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I hate to say welcome as this is a group no one wants to ever join. But we are a group that understands the pain of losing a child. We listen we care and we try to help when no one else can.
Please know how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful daughter Hannah .
I lost my daughter Tammie 5 years ago in September. Tammie was my only child and we were extremely close. I did not think I would live 5 months without her let alone 5 years. But because of this group and private counseling I am here today and able to function. I think of Tammie everyday and miss her daily but I can breathe now without all the pain.
You have found an extremely caring group of people here. I don't post often anymore but in the early stages of my grief I posted several times a day this was my safe outlet.
Be gentle on yourself.
HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom
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I'm so very sorry for the loss of your little Hannah. In the beginning we are so consumed every second of every day with our loss, wondering how we can face a tomorrow without them and often begging for release. Gradually, a few seconds of peace will stretch into a few minutes and so on. Be very patient with yourself. Read some of the stories posted here and contribute if you want or feel you can. Express your thoughts in whatever venue suits you best (family or friends, therapy, journalling.)
There is a lot of pain and heartache here but also wisdom passed along from others that have experienced the same unbelievable loss you are now trying to comprehend. We are mothers and fathers who have lost our children under many different circumstances, some very young and some well into adulthood, but the pain......the pain is the same. The loss indescribable to someone who has not experienced it. There just is no understanding.
My oldest (special needs) child, Scott, passed away at 4 1/2 years after living with a profound seizure condition since his very difficult birth. He would have been 31 years old now. The sadness and love have never diminished in all these years but we learned to live with missing him. As my youngest 3 children grew and went through their teenage years and began to become independent from me, when I worried about their safety, I always felt, deep down, that we had already been dealt the worst life could dish out. Then lightening struck twice and my youngest child, Keith, was killed at 21 years old during a camping trip with friends. An atv accident. In August it will be 3 years without him and his loss has settled on my shoulders like a weight that never leaves. It is Keith's loss that brings me to this site (no internest 31 years ago!) I do find the pain more bearable now. I no longer beg the Heavens to keep me from waking up in the morning. I know where I belong. I socialize (a little), I look after my home (pretty much), I hold a fulltime job, I am seeing that life goes on (even when I can't take part). I put one foot in front of the other (most days).
So, for me, your question "does it get better?" The initial intensity will ease and settle into something you learn to live with. Some moments or days will knock you backward to the day of loss but somehow we find the strength to take Judy's deep breaths and baby steps again. Happiness and joy are elusive to me yet. Too soon. But I have my moments of relative "normalcy" where I can enjoy a dinner with friends or laugh while watching a comedy on tv. So far that's the best I can do....but I have come a long, long way. Be gentle with yourself.
Wendy, Keith's mom (and Scott, Holly and Wade)
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If you're married, did losing a child tear you apart? We've been married 20 years this April. Things are different now. :(
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Our marriage weathered the loss just fine. That is not to say there were not issues -- the first one being that my husband was too distressed himself to be my main source of support, and of course as the cliche goes we grieved differently. I cannot express enough the importance for us of getting my grieving support from other sources. Once I did that, I had more to put into my marriage.
To this day, I deeply appreciate all my husband did that first hard year -- working hard, paying the bills, keeping the house going, keeping our surviving child going. So he didn't hold my hand every night and listen to me cry about how much I missed them. It helped him to be distracted with other things. That is OK, others did that. He did all the practical things I didn't have the strength to.
Now, we are closer than ever. Appreciate each other for who you are and what you ARE doing to keep yourselves going. Tell each other what you appreciate. If he's not doing something you need, and you can find other source to fill that spot for a while, consider forgiving him and doing so. Your marriage is not over. Really.
Hope it helps. I know I felt lost without my "best friend" those early days.
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Dear Hannah's Mom,
I am so sorry about the lost of your Hannah. It has been 5 years since my 16 year old son was killed in a car accident. This website, counseling, Compassionate Friends, family and friends have helped me make it this far.
Grief is hard work. It starts before you get out of the bed in the morning and sometimes its even in your dreams at night.
Wendy's post also explaines how my life is now (thank you Wendy).
My husband and I grieve differently. I guess in some ways I am futher along on this journey than he is. At least that is the way I feel today.
Please share more about Hannah when you are able.
Kathy-Don's Mom
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Tomorrow Hannah will be gone 5 mths. I held her for the last time as the breath left her body. :( We could have kept her on life support. We decided against it. Sometimes I wonder if I should have. It felt too selfish of me to keep her like that at the time but I'm not sure. I would give anything just to crawl up in the bed with her right now.
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How very beautiful your Hannah is!
Thank you so much for posting her picture!
((((((((Hannah's Momma))))))))
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Today Hannah has been gone 5 months.
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Hannah was born three months early. She weighed a pound and 7 ounces when she was born and spent 96 days in neonatal intensive care. We brought her home at 3 mths of age weighing 4 pounds and 7 ounces. She was beautiful and a fighter from the beginning. I remember promising her she could have all my dolls if she'd just make it out of there. She never cared for dolls much. At 7 mths of age she had her first seizure. She was developmentally on target until she turned around 3. She had her first status seizure at 3 yrs of age. She was then put on topomax which controlled her seizures wonderfully but made her a zombie. She was seizure free two years when we made the decision to remove her from the drug to see if we could maintain control. She began talking, playing, interacting. She just came alive. She had her second status seizure after being off the topomax for nearly 6 mths. This one was 2 1/2 hours long and we were care flighted to a children's hospital where she was put in pediatric intensive care. She came out of it o.k. which was a miracle. We went home on new drugs and hopes that they would work. She began having new types of seizures. complex partials and absense. These were almost daily. She would only have tonic clonics around every 4 to 6 mths but they'd be status ones and we'd have another careflight. She always came out of them o.k. We did this 12 times in two years. Through all of this Hannah was doing amazingly developmentally. She was so much fun and seemed to really be enjoying life. I know I was enjoying her so much. In January of 2010 she had the final status seizure that took her life. She didn't come out of this one o.k. She never recovered. We had to make the decision to remove her from life support. We were all in shock. She'd always fought and won and that's what we were expecting. I'm still in shock I think. It wasn't supposed to be this way. The very first time we saw a neurologist he told me to my face that you cannot die from a seizure. I would love to take him to her grave today so he'd never tell another family that. I miss my girl so bad. She was only 8 yrs old. She may have had autism and DRAVET syndrome(severe form of epilepsy) but she loved living and did it to the fullest every day.
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((((( martc )))))
Thank you for sharing Hannah's story with us. She's so beautiful. She sounded like quite the fighter with such a strong spirit. Reading this and hearing of your struggles brought tears. I understand watching someone you love more than your own life drifting away day by day and it is such a helpless feeling. My Michelle was also a fighter and a very happy child, as Hannah was, loving life so! I know they are together.
Her spirit lives on. She is always with you. I believe that. And, it has always brought me comfort in this knowing.
Sending you the biggest hug ((((((((martc))))))))
and My love,
Terry
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So sorry to read of your beautiful Hannah & by beautiful i mean she is absolutly beautiful!!!!!!!! I dont want to be one to bring you down , but i have found this road a very rough one. It was 3 yrs last week & Shane was my only child its been & is tough.I lost all my family, they could not deal with me , my husband left after 2 yrs , too much drama in my life duh??????? He started divorce proceeding this week, lost my parents who were both MY BEST & GREATEST SUPPORT , 16 days apart last month so ALONE!!!!bUT I GUESS WE FIND SOME WAY TO SURVIVE & BREATH.lI LIVED WITH MY DAD & CARED FOR HIM THRU HIS CANCER FOR HIS LAST 9 MONTHS OF LIFE , SO ITS REALLY A CHANGE NOW TO COME HOME ALONE. MOVED IN WITH MY MOTHER AFTER THAT SHE ONLY LASTED 16 DAYS THOU. I DO HAVE MY OWN GREAT BIG LONLY HOUSE I RAN BK & FORTH TOO IN BETWEEN. Now its so so very lonly . So thinking about you & your beautiful HANNAH, MAY YOU FIND SOME PEACE & COMFORT HERE , I LOST THIS SITE 4 ABOUT A YEAR , FINALLY TOM & TERRY GOD LOVE THEM GOT ME BK ON . PLEASE STAY HERE , WRITE & SHARE THAT TRULY DOES HELP. WE ALL UNDERSTAND , SENDING YOU LOVE PEACE STRENGTH & COUAGE LOVE YOU