webhealing.com

Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: to young to be a widow on May 17, 2010, 05:03:28 PM

Title: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 17, 2010, 05:03:28 PM
on may 8th 2010, i lost my wonderful husband of 24 years--this was totally unexpected and sudden. the dr. said it was a massive heart attack--however he did not have any symptoms of a heart attack that morning--he just said he couldn't catch his breath and thought he was hyperventalating--when we asked him if he was in pain he stated no and this is why it is so hard for me to accept this--he was gone before the ambulance even arrived it was within 5 minutes--my life has been turned upside down--we did everything together and i do mean everything--the only time we were apart was when we were at work or he had one of his meetings for church or the legion--i am totaly alone now--the only child we were able to have in this world died 2 hours after his birth--my friends are already avoiding me since i am no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be due to lose of my husband--he was my true love and soul mate forever and i really dont think i can go on with out him by my side.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 17, 2010, 05:49:20 PM
Hello too young to be a widow,
Your story is heart breaking and I am so very sorry for your loss...it is so hard to know what to say since any words seem meaningless...I know all too well the raw, numb feeling, the agony and immeasurable pain...the inability to accept the reality of the situation...just 66 days ago I lost the love of my life, my best friend and darling wife of almost 33 wonderful years...we did everything together...just being together was enough for us...no matter what we were doing it was that we had each other...I do not know how I can go on...my whole life has been taken and shattered...the last 3-4 days have been extremely trying...so much crying that it hurts...I do work in the beautiful gardens that she has nurtured over the years...she was a beautiful, kind and caring person...I write a lot here...no close friends or family...I stay to myself almost all of the time...it is a stark, bleak existence and I do not like it at all...all sorts of thoughts are constantly whirling through my mind...none of us have had a choice in the matter...these horrendous situations have been thrust upon us...none of these make any sense...they just happen...no fairness involved...
I hope in time that you have some inner peace and I wish you well...
Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Terry on May 17, 2010, 05:55:09 PM
I'm so deeply sorry you are having to live without your husband. The shock, and not just to the body but emotionally when losing someone suddenly is difficult to cope with.

Please try and take care of yourself the best you can, resting if you can't sleep, and eating; and if not regular meals, snacking often when you're able.

Do you have a support group at your church? Take advantage of every resource available to you right now.

Don't worry about your friends because in time you'll come to find out who they really are, and you will make new friends along this journey. A journey that I'm so sorry you have to travel.

Please come often and tell us more about your husband and how 'you' are doing. WebHealing is a safe place to come to share all of your feelings where everyone will listen with an open heart. We all understand the pain from losing someone we love so dearly. The pain of separation, the loneliness and the fear.

Just remember, even though it may feel like it a lot of the time that you are not alone. You are never alone. We care, very much.

I'm sending you a big hug and all of my love...((((((( too young )))))))
Take care,
Terry
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 17, 2010, 08:33:12 PM
Hi terry,
    I am so sorry for your sudden loss, I know what pain your heart is in, it is  indescribable, it takes your breathe away, I also lost my husband in 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, on April 6, I am still pretty numb and really do not want to accept the fact that I will never see him again, I just can't believe that.  Try to reach out to your friends, sometime they don't know what to say to you and are afraid they will say the wrong thing so they avoid you, but you have to reach out to them, call them, ask them for their help and company if you want it.  I found it good for me to push myself out of the house as much as I can,  and I went back to work already, because I can't sit in the house it is not good for me.
    I wish you peace, keep coming here and it does help to pour your heart out.
God Bless
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: angel1963 on May 17, 2010, 11:25:31 PM
I have not been to this site for over 10 years.  Before that, I had lost 2 men, both, were my future, one at 20...and again..at 33...Both, I lost, in an 'instant' the first one, was a car accident...and it left me so angry..we were both so young and our futures..looked so full.  The second..I opened my heart up..after being so cold for so long..and his loss, left me devastated...I had loved him for 8 years, and we had talked of our future, and then he was gone!  With a phone call from his mother, I heard he was dead.  I totally broke down..but like you...friends we had..stopped calling, stopped looking at me!  Even my family didn't know how to react. 

I was alone..literally...for 2 years..before I realized I would need help to get through this.  I went to a grief counsellor.  She helped me to see, how others around us, feel helpless, they think they need to say something...they don't realize..that all we need is for them to 'stay'! 

I finally found the courage, to talk to a few of my friends, that I wanted to keep.  Explained that I needed them.  That they didn't have to say anything, but to just be there. 

It helped, a little, but it will take time.  Those that aren't strong enough will pull away.  They feel helpless.  Those that are stronger, will stay, but may be harsh and say things like "get over it" too soon...you NEVER get over it..you learn to live your life..differently. 
If you ever need to chat, please email [email protected] will try to help. 
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 18, 2010, 05:52:40 AM
Hello Angel1963,
Just read your tragic story and the sadness that came into your life...I am so sorry for your losses and that you had to go through those horrible experiences...today is 67 days since I lost my best friend and dear wife of almost 33 years...I lower my head in anguish at the very thought of my loss...I have many "friends" who mostly seem to say the wrong things...a few weeks back one said "she's gone and you can't bring her back...you have to get on with your life...you can't stay in your house all the time "...I used to be outgoing and now I shy away from everyone, fearing more insensitive replies...I am alone...no close friends or family...I still keep my phone turned off...so many people calling...many others showing up at the house unexpectedly...I felt that they were all over me...I had to tell all to email me and let me know if they wanted to come over...I feel that many think that I am taking too long to "recover"...they do not realize that there is no time line...I know that my wonderful, beautiful life is over since the love of my life departed...I agonize every minute of each day without her...she is my whole life...the thought of her being gone torments me something awful...there does not seem to be any justice...these seem to be chance occurrences that are part of life and we are the unfortunate ones...
Again I am sorry for your losses...do not know what else to say...
Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 18, 2010, 11:23:58 AM
i am truely sorry for all of your lost loved ones--the pain we all share is so unbearable and we who suffer with this are the only ones who really understand what we are going through--my pain is so deep i cannot bear to be with out my husband--i cry all the time wishing he was still here with me--i stll cannot eat or sleep or even crawl into our bed that we shared.  i had to go back to work today and it was not easy since i work in a customer service occupation--it is so hard to deal with people that do not know how you are feeling and as to why you do not want to smile--i miss my wonderful husband dearly and i will never get over losing him so suddenly with no warning
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 18, 2010, 08:54:14 PM
Hi
   You are right we will never get over the loss of our loved ones,the past 2 days for me were terrible, I feel all wound up, I also am so sorry that we are all suffering like this, I don't understand, but I guess we are not supposed to.  Like you said, all I know is i miss my husband terribly, and each day is a chore for me to get through.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 19, 2010, 11:13:04 AM
Hi
I'm sorry for your loss. 
I also lost my husband suddenly.  I am 31, my husband was 44.  We were just married this New Year.  My husband and I lived together and worked together.  He had taken the day off to go for medical tests (he battled cancer for the last 24 years), he came home and did the laundry, made the bed, and was picking up something to make for diner (he loved cooking).  As he was crossing the street a drunk driver struck him down and left him in the street to die.
In one instant my entire life was taken away.  We had just started to discuss a child.  I went from the happiest I have ever been to more dispair than anyone should ever have to feel.  I fluctuate between numbness and indescribable pain.  Today makes two months and I still can't accept that he isn't coming home.
I hope you're able to find some peace.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 19, 2010, 05:10:00 PM
i am also sorry for your lose,

my wonderful husband and i were married for 24 wonderful years this coming june--we did everything together--we are both 48 years old--and i miss him terribly-- i dont eat and i dont sleep--just going to the mailbox now is such a chore since we would walk thier together or even to the store--i am in so much pain right now i cant even think straight anymore.  i am so numb and now that my friends are avoiding me that doenst help matters either. i have brothers and sisters but they live over 5 hours away and have their own families to attend to--i am truely alone now since we have no living children
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 19, 2010, 08:19:43 PM
Hello too young to be a widow,
I am sorry for your anguish and pain...there are no words that I can say now to ease your situation...I am not sure if I can try hard enough in my situation but I have to try for what it is worth...I think that it will be a considerable time before any of us will find some semblance of peace...there are only a few choices that are available to us...try or give up...my wife would not want me to give up...some of her last words to me ( I am crying so hard now ) were you will be OK...sometimes I really do not want to be OK...I do not want to be around...but I know that I would disappoint her terribly and I love her as much in death as I did when she was here...I really do not want  to disappoint her...it would not make much of a difference if I was not here but she would not like to hear me say that...she told me not to think like that before she left me....so I will try because I love her very, very much...I am at 68 days since the loss of my wife...I am still so numb and anguishing...everything seems worse to me...I hate turning the last light off at night...cry myself to sleep...do not know where all will end up...my eating and sleep have been a little better...I get so angry and wonder why this happened to me...why to anyone here...there is no answer...no justice...it was thrust upon all here and now we have to find some way to ease the pain...I have many friends in my area but only a couple who understand...her partner was the victim of a hit and run in front of their house...
So much sadness and pain...
Try to take care of yourself and ask what your love would want you to do...
Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 19, 2010, 08:44:03 PM
Hi
  I understand the numb feeling and the pain and confusion, as I am experiencing the same thing, some days I think I am going crazy, I just feel so mixed up. At times I find it hard to remember things,  my emotions are truly like a roller coaster, never know how I will feel when I wake up. 
   I also find it hard to do things without him, but I am trying to push myself, or I don't know what will happen, try to push yourself to do things, even if you really don't want to, you can't stay home all the time it is not good.
   Take care
  Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 20, 2010, 02:09:11 PM
i can t stop thinking that if i would have stayed by my husband's side, holding him and telling him how much i loved him he would still be here with me--but instead i was hysterical and needed treatment myself so they could calm me down--they should have let me stay where i needed to be with him when he needed me the most--i put this blame on myself just because i love him so much and i cannot bear to be without him--i wish there was away we could find the answers we need since my wonderful husband fred wasnt sick--there were no signs of this at all--except that he wasnt eating the way he normally did 2 days before died and just stated that he really wasnt hungry as to which one really doesnt assoicate with any major health factors except the flu or a cold coming on--he was active and outgoing and that is why i dont understand why god took him from me--we had so many plans for our future and we werent even home when he died we traveled across state to attend a weddingand now he is gone--my heart has been broken into a million pieces and it will never be mended--people say it takes time but mine will never heal
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 20, 2010, 05:52:13 PM
Hello too young to be a widow,
I am sorry that you are experiencing such pain and sorrow for the recent loss of your husband just 12 days ago...it makes my heart so heavy to see and read about all these uncalled for tragedies...good peoples lives so harshly and abruptly interrupted...there is no sense to any of these situations...it has been 69 days since my dear wife has been gone and I am in such agony and sadness that sometimes I feel that I can not bear any more...can not go on any more...I too have tried to go back and analyze my situation...thinking maybe I could have done something differently and maybe things would have turned out better...but these are all imponderables and no matter how much I go back I will never know...so I try not to do that to myself too much ( I still do it occasionally ) because I will never know the answer...I try to be kind to myself because there is not much else...the love of my life for almost 33 beautiful years is gone...gone...I never thought that there was this horrible side of life...for loving and being so much a part of another beautiful person's life we pay an equal price in sorrow and pain when we lose them...
There are so many posts on this site alone and hundreds of different words that we all use...but the pain still resides within all of us and unfortunately will likely be there for years...I do not know where I am going...I have no purpose...I am just someone among many with half a heart...I just try and get through each day, all though many times I do not see the point...
I am sorry that my message is so gloomy but that is how I feel in my half of a heart...
Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 20, 2010, 06:50:33 PM
leo,
i am so sorry to hear about your wife--she sounds like she was a beautiful woman inside and out just like my husband was--he was a man who would still open doors for me--walk by my side to assure i wouldnt fall down--drop me off by the door --he was my world and it so hard to be with out him--i am still waiting for him to come through the door and say honey i'm home like he did every day--this pain is so unbearable and we are the only ones that know what we are going through--i had to go back to work and i wasnt ready--i see a lot of friends of freds in my line of work and all i can do is cry some will say a few words while the rest run in the other direction to stay clear of me--and yes somedays it is so hard to get through this--its nice to hear that you continue to work in her gardens and hopefully you can feel her presence near you while you work in them.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 20, 2010, 07:15:09 PM
Hello again too young to be a widow,
Your post reminded me of the things that I would do for my wife...hold the door open to let her go through first...open the car door and always say"watch your leg" as I closed it...pull the dining chair out when she was ready to sit at the table...cook and bring surprises home to her when I went to the store...message her feet and legs with cream...she would always say to me " you make me feel like a princess "...it made me so very, very happy to make her happy...that was my purpose in life and now she is gone...I now have no purpose...the crying is overwhelming me now...take care of yourself...
Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 21, 2010, 01:32:56 PM
Leo,

I really identify with the feeling of being incomplete.  I've struggled through most of my adult life, then I found the part of me that made me whole, made me want to be better.  My husband was so loving.  Sometimes he was like a little boy.  I used to rub his head to ease his struggles.  He made me feel so loved.  Like your wife, I like to garden.  I would come inside so excited about my plants and he would listen and be happy for me.  I became his wife.  My day began thinking about him and ended the same way.  The toothpaste I buy, where the pots go in the kitchen, what snacks he loved, these are all part of my routine.  Now he isn't here to give me his smile.  He isn't here to complete my sentances.  Those phrases we said everyday, I have no one to chime in.

To All,

From my husband I learned that life is something that can bring joy.  I felt it intensly for such a short time.  In the hospital I thought, "It took me so long to get here, you can't take it away now."  That's how I maintained hope and strength through those long days waiting to hear my future.  I tell myself all the time that he would want me to live, even though I don't feel it myself.  He would tell me that "everything will be okay."  I don't agree, but I try to honor him each day by waking up. 

Hope that things get better.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 21, 2010, 10:01:22 PM
Hi everyone
     I just don't know what to say anymore, I want to know why he had to go also, I don't understand it, we were going along so nice, happy, he was retired, our sons are married and have children, everything was so nice, and out of no where this monster took over.  He also was strong, and walked 3 miles every day, along with healthy eating, so where did it get him, pancreatic cancer that spread, and it was too late, in 3 weeks he was gone, why!!!!!!!!  we will never get an answer,  I wish someone could give me an answer.  well I better go to bed or I will be up all night.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 22, 2010, 10:55:16 AM
i too wish some one could give me an answer--the death cerificate said cardiac arrythmia--how ever my husband was healthy--if he had a heart problem why didnt the doctor find it before this happened--i am hurting so bad and no ones really understands as to how i feel--my world was turned upside down in a second--no one to come home to and tell him about my day and how i am feeling--no generous smile waiting for me--with a warm cuddly hug from fred when i come through the door--i miss him so much and i dont want to be with out him any more--i cry all day long--i try to get myself to do things but in the long run i cannot--everything i do brings back memories of all the things we did together--he didnt deserve this he a GREAT MAN!!
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 22, 2010, 01:15:33 PM
Hello too young to be a widow,
It is very sad for me to see you be so upset but I can sympathize with your pain and your questions...my pain is excruciating and my sadness overwhelming with the loss of my darling wife 71 days ago...things seem to have gotten worse for me...so many of the feelings that you are expressing for your husband I feel for my wife...she is not here and I miss her dearly...I have no life...nothing to look forward to in this world...

I will relate some information to you if you would like...it is not meant as a solicitation or to advise people on what to do....I will just relate some of what I know...I am a scientist  with extensive experience in microbiology/immunology...an arrhythmia has to do with electrical activity in the heart...some are life threatening and can result in cardiac arrest with sudden death...sometimes there are no symptoms...some people have palpitations ( they can sense the rapid beats ) that are not always a big concern...any situation with some dizziness or shortness of breath, in my opinion, should be checked out...there are some alternative approaches that may help some individuals with heart conditions, in my opinion,...such as coenzyme Q10 ( CoQ10 )...some people with heart conditions have considerably lower levels...also, magnesium ion ( using magnesium citrate ) has been helpful...both supplements can be found in most health food stores...I am very familiar with both of these...I know that this information will not make you feel any better but I tried to address your concern about cardiac arrhythmia..

Try to take care of yourself and hopefully you will some day have a little more peace of mind...I am very sorry for your loss...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 22, 2010, 03:59:05 PM
leo,

thank you for this information--it did help me to understand this a little bit better since he showed no signs of this at all until that morning when he could not catch his breath--and we responsided right away with medical attention my sister-in-law was there and she is a medical assistance and did everything she could until the ambulance arrived--he never stated he had any pain anywhere nor felt anything was wrong with heart--he was heathly and strong for as far as we knew until that dreadful morning so many things go through my mind as to what we could have done differently and i should have stayed by his side where i needed to be--but i needed treatment myself and they took me out of the room--it is so hard to be without him as it is for you to be without your wife--this life is just so unfair god takes the good people and leaves the criminals here on earth.

i know you miss your wife as much as i miss my husband and only we can understand what we are going through
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 22, 2010, 09:27:58 PM
Hi to young to be a widow,
     I know that feeling of how and why, and so fast, we will never find out why they had to be taken away from us, and we will never understand, my heart is hurting terrible tonight,  life is so unfair, how do we cope????
     I miss him more and more each day that passes, he died on April 6,  the pain seems to be getting worse. My husband was also healthy as far as we knew, he walked 3 miles a day and we ate right, big deal, diagnosed and dead in 3 weeks
 Take care and write often
     Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 23, 2010, 04:26:00 AM
thanks karen,

the pain does get worse on a daily basis and its not getting any better for me either--what is left of my siblings they all live over 5 hours away from me so i cant just go and visit them when i need comforting which seems to be on a daily basis--i have no one to come home to anymore--no one to talk too and its very lonely without him--i miss him so much and this is just so unfair.

i know you miss your husband and i send my sympathy to you--only we know what we are going through--people say they understand but they dont

take care and thank you
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 04:43:10 AM
Good morning too young to be a widow,

 I hope that today goes a little better for you...it is so sad to see you in pain...I know the feeling of loneliness...my wife and I  had no really close friends, family or children...my wife's sister died 12 years ago when she was 49...I stay in touch with her mother and brother but they are over 1000 miles away...it was my wife and I  being one...that was so very good for us and now I have nowhere to turn...I come here and write...I detest it like this but what else can I do?

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 23, 2010, 06:27:47 AM
leo,

this lonileness is just to much to bear--same here with no close friends or family--no children to help with easing of this pain--this pain that we share is so deep and it doesnt matter what people say it doesnt get better for me its only getting worse--its 15 days now that my beloved fred left me and i miss him so much as you do your wife--we did so much together--yes we have our memories but we had so many more to make with our loved ones--i know fred would want me to continue on but my heart aches there is a big hole in there--sometimes i wonder if fred is angry at me for not being able to save him or continuing to stay by his side--he enjoyed life so much on this world and i am sure your wife did too
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 08:04:13 AM
Hello again too to young to be a widow...

I would guess that Fred is not blaming you...my opinion would be that for the conditions that you indicated, there was not much anyone could do at that point...as I indicated in my post to you yesterday there are instances where in some cases there is cardiac arrest and sudden death...I wouldn't blame yourself...I know that I have done it so much to myself at times...I am very hard on myself...but these are imponderables that we will never be able to resolve...we just haunt and torment ourselves to no end and we have not gotten any where really...I know that it is so difficult with all the emotions to control things...nothing makes sense...no where to go...friends do not understand at all...my wife has been gone 72 days now and over a month ago one of my friends said to me that she is gone and I couldn't bring her back, so I should get on with my life...I have had a number of insensitive remarks ( as my brain interprets them...I do not care how another person's brain is interpreting my situation )...we are not on a time line...now I am reflecting on my love but know that today I must face things alone...also tomorrow and so on...it is such a horrible feeling...I look in the mirror at times and I see a fragile shell that are the remnants of someone who was so happy and full of life at one time...I have been ending each day by crying myself to sleep and telling my wife that I love her...
Try and write more when you feel like doing it...I am sad to know that you are in such pain...everyone here cares...
I wish you well...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 23, 2010, 10:07:59 AM
thank you leo,

i to was a happy person and full of life now it is all gone--i tell my husband i love him all day long and that i miss him--i dont stop crying.

i do know the pain you feel for your wife and you have my sympathy
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 23, 2010, 10:53:13 AM
I understand the pain and questions.  My husband was so full of life because he had been so close to death before.  He was vibrant, young and a wonderful man.  He contributed so much to the world, and what he gave me there are no words for.  He was eating healty, putting on weight, making plans.  He was cancer free.  All he did was cross the street to come home.  The drunk driver doesn't have a scratch and my husband is dead.  How could this happen to him?  Why is this happening to me?  Now instead of happiness I'm filled with pain.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 23, 2010, 11:14:19 AM
this is another thing that happens in this world that doesnt make sense--such wonderful loving people are killed on a daily basis from a drunk driver--they claim that they are stiffening the laws on this but when?? someone in my area has gotten cited 11 times for drunk driving and they are still out there driving on the streets.

i am truely sorry for your loss and maybe when we get to heaven we will get the answers we seek--i am glad to hear that your husband was cancer free--i have seen the pain that one goes through on a daily basis--my father-in-law suffered from cancer until the day he died.

to young to be a widow
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 23, 2010, 08:59:59 PM
Hi to young to be a widow,
       I hope you had a decent day today, I had a tough day, all I did was have a visit from a friend, and then she left and I went crazy cleaning a storage room, throwing everything out, not Johnnys things but just stuff, it made me feel good to throw stuff out, don't know why?  then came the breakdown, my son called and I just broke down, I felt bad I didn't want to put all that on him but I couldn't help it.  I cried and cried, now I am trying to gather my thoughts and write a little, it was bad today.  I hope that I am able to do this, it seems too hard for me at times,, and this is one of those times. I wish I was with him.
 Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 24, 2010, 04:25:27 AM
karen,

i too had a bad day yesterday every day seems to be getting worse for me--i go to bed crying and wake up crying for the few hours i am able to get some sleep--i think about fred all day long and what we could have done differently that morning--i know i read leo's post on cardiac arrythmia but maybe if he would have come out of the bathroom sooner or called the ambulance sooner--if i stayed by his side holding him and telling him how much i loved him and couldn't be without him my beloved fred would still be here--the medical staff claimed they did everything they could but did they??  i went to the cemetary yesterday and stayed there for i dont know how long--i had to pull myself away--i was the one who was suppose to go first we had our lives planned out--he was the healthy one not me--we were to get old and gray hair together--yesterday we would have gone for a motorcycle ride after he got home from work--now i just get to hear the motorcyclist go by--anything and everything reminds me of all the things we did together--its 16 days now that he left me without warning--i am still in shock and numb--and i also do not want to go on any longer without him--he was my world and now there isnt anymore world for me

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 24, 2010, 08:48:46 AM
i guess i want to know why God dealt me the unlucky hand in life--i always told fred if it wasnt for bad luck we would have no luck at all--but all that mattered was our love for each other--thats all we needed--it didnt matter if we were homeless--broke and bare backed--we had our love--i miss him so much and this pain i bear is so unbearable--God took our son on mar.7th 1988 just a couple of hours after his birth and now my wonderful loving husband on may 8th--it should have been me and not him--he was such a great man--he didnt deserve this--the 2 men i would have in my life are gone--and i am just barely coping to get through this--my heart aches--i cry all time it doesnt matter where i am i think of him all the time--i just wish i had the answers i seek to understand this better but i will never get these answers--they say god doesnt put us through things we cant handle but they are so wrong about that--its 16 days now since i have been able to hold him or talk to him--i can only talk to him in my mind--but he doesnt answer--i miss him so much--there is such a big hole in my heart that will never mend--its hard to come home to an empty house with no one to talk too--i have my dogs but they dont talk back to me
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 24, 2010, 02:17:39 PM
I am also struggling to understand some of the cliches that people provide when something terrible happens.  I look at the world now, trying to find meaning, and come up with loss.  There are so many people in this world that contribute nothing, why take someone who made a difference?  Everyday I struggle with the idea of being given only what you can handle.  I think someone vastly overestimated my strength.  I often feel like it's my bad luck that attracted this tragedy.  I want to know what I did to deserve this because I know he didn't do anything to deserve this.  It had to be my dark cloud that got him.

I wish I knew what to say to make it better.  I talk to my husband every night, I write him letters whenever I can bare to take a pen to paper.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes I get frustrated that he doesn't respond.  John Lennon once sang, "Whatever gets you through the night."  Just getting through the night is something, even when the morrow brings pain freshly.  I hope one day all of us can wake up with a little less pain.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 24, 2010, 05:03:21 PM
people say things and i dont think they know what they are saying--they dont know the pain we are going through--it is unbearable--i've been told i'm a strong woman-- stronger than what i think--but i am not strong and my heart just aches--i have started to keep a journal but it is not helping at the moment since i decided to start with the day fred died--and the events that happened that day with what i can remember--i tell fred i love him everyday all day long--i wish i could bring him back because i need him so much in my life.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 24, 2010, 09:39:00 PM
Hi Penny
    everything you write, sounds like it is coming from me. I feel like I can't make it on my own either, I was home with my mom then I met Johnny and at 17 we eloped and that was the end of the story until now, So now what, I went to a bereavement group tonight, I don't know if it is going to do anything for me.  I will try again, give it a chance, but i don't know what it will do, they can't bring him back.  I also think about him all day from the minute i open my eyes until the minute I go to sleep,  I have his ashes right next to our bed, and pictures all over the bedroom, I was worn out today from the crazies that I got last night, used to much of my energy.  Nobody really does understand how we feel, unless they have lost there spouse,  and we really can't explain our feelings, because they are indescribable, like a roller coaster, the twisted stomach, the tight chest and throat, how do we make someone understand unless they have been through it.I know most people mean well, they just don't know what to say, so they say the wrong thing, they don;t even realize it. Well i better try to sleep, hopefully
Take care of yourself
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 25, 2010, 01:21:40 AM
it was another sleepless night again--so much pain in my heart--another day to struggle through without fred being here--this lonileness we all share and the emotions we cannot control--is just unbearable--i have to go to work today which i am not looking forward to--to many people to face again at one time
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 25, 2010, 01:10:51 PM
the work day is over--it was difficult to be there since i cried all day long while i was there--and i havent stopped crying--i miss fred so much and just want to know why this happened to such a good person--i see customers whispering about me to my co-workers which doesnt help--my heart hurts so much--God didn't need him--I need him--fred was always there for me--he took care of me and now he is gone--he never raised voice when he was angered or upset with someone--he just expressed his feelings to me as to who he was upset with--it was never me--we never fought--we had our disagreements but never raised our voices or swore at anybody--and now i am finding myself swearing all the time which i dont like doing--i dont swear at him just other obstacles that are confusing my life--so much torment and pain and nothing to look forward too--the end of June is our 24th wedding anniversary and no roses will be arrving from him--he always sent me a yellow, red and white rose--he never forgot to do this on our anniversary or my birthday and i did fro him in return for these 3 roses had a special meaning to us and forever will--our florist knew what we wanted as soon as we called and said who we were
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 25, 2010, 04:09:23 PM
Hi Penny,
    I am glad that you went to work today, as bad as it seemed you broke the ice, and now when you go in it won't be as bad as this time. I know that is what happened to me, the first time back was very very hard, then it got a little easier, I had a day that was actually productive for me, I don't know if I told you but I haven't driven in years, as Johnny always did the driving, but I do have a license, well today I got up and said to Johnny OK we have to do this, I need your help, I took his hat with me that I sleep with and put it beside me and just went, I was very proud of myself, and I told Johnny, you have to help me and he did, I drove around for a few hours, and came home, I know that he was with me, as was god, so I feel a little better about myself today.
     I went to a grief counseling meeting last night, it was OK, I am not sure if it is for me, but I will try, I will give it a chance, any help is welcomed.
    Well I will be  back later
    Take Care
   Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 25, 2010, 08:22:43 PM
Penny,

Going back to work is so hard.  My husband and I worked together.  I still expect to see him.  We were both history teachers in the same school.  The first day was one of the worst days I've ever experienced, and that's saying a lot.  I cried all day as I had to recount the events for all my classes.  I've been back at work now for three weeks.  Every day is difficult.  Sometimes the thoughts come and I start to shake.  I don't stay alone during my prep periods anymore.  The kids help.  They distract me as much as they can and when I need to cry they listen.  As hard as it is I hope you have people at work to help you.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 26, 2010, 01:04:33 AM
i've been back to work now for a week and it is so hard to face people--i dont have a support system at work all they want to do is talk about me and as to how sad i am all the time--i thought going back to work and staying busy would help me but it isnt--and i wonder did i make the right choice with going back to work so soon--even though i wasnt ready--but staying home wont get the bills paid--since it is only my income coming in now. it is also hard for me at work when it comes to the time that fred would stop in  before he would go to work to see how my day had been going so far and to see how i was feeling--i miss him coming into the store with his compassionate ear.

it was another sleepness night and i try to sleep but it just doesnt happen--i am finally able to keep some food down but not much.

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 26, 2010, 04:36:02 AM
Hello Penny,
 I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a difficult time with work and your sadness...I can relate to what you say about facing people...when I am working outside I avoid people when I see them coming...I'll go to the other side of the house...I will try and go to the grocery store at odd hours so I lessen my chances of running into someone that I know...I wear the headset to my mp3 player and listen to my language podcasts all the time outside and when in stores...people are much less likely to say anything to me...I am growing to be accustomed to being by myself...I was always so outgoing and the one who started conversations...made people laugh...organized getting together...those things are long gone as I now trek through life alone and without my other half...I miss my wife so very much...I have so  many visions of her and I can hear her talk to me...I think that I will go crazy without her loving, caring, kind, wonderful self...
Wishing you a better day...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 26, 2010, 12:11:54 PM
thanks leo,

it was another rough day to face people--they can just be cruel at times--it doesnt take much for my roller coaster emotions to flood just a simple word can do that to me--it is so hard to be here without fred--come home to an empty house except for our dogs but they cant talk to me or hold me they are what is keeping me going in this life right now if it wasnt for them i would probably be gone too--fred was such a giving man he also did all the planning for the gatherings or the trip making or whatever the case may have been--he was so outgoing and friendly anybody could tell him anything even strangers as to where i always found it hard to talk to someone i didnt know. i just miss him so much and i am just barely coping to get by each day

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 26, 2010, 12:21:19 PM
karen,

glad to hear that your driving went well for you--fred also drove us everywhere--unless we had to go our own separate ways for work.  glad to hear that you are going to continue going to your bereavement group--i other the hand will have to wait until stepember--since this small town i live in doesnt offer one until then--unless i wanted to travel several miles away which i dont--i like coming to this site and just being able to write on here and share what i am feeling even though it pains me daily to be here on this world with out fred.

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 26, 2010, 12:29:03 PM
Jackie,

you have such a rewarding career at being a history teacher and it has to be hard since you and your husband both worked at the same school--i know the feeling of looking for our loved ones to come around the corner but they dont--its nice to hear you have the kids support you in your time of need--i wish i had the same but i dont i just get the stares from people and the whispering behind my back that they dont think i notice, but i do

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 27, 2010, 11:14:46 AM
i hate this world--i want to be with fred so bad --i cant take this pain that is in my heart--i just dont understand why God had to take such a loving and caring man away--he was my everything--my life ended the day his did--i have nothing without him--i need answers if he would have been sick i could understand but he wasnt--he was healthy and strong--my heart aches all the time--the tears dont stop--i think about everything that could have been done differently that morning for fred to still be here--the days are not getting better they are only getting worse--i am so lonely without him we were so happy when we were together--i detest seeing other couples who are happy with this life and this hurts so much to see them smiling and laughing or just having good time together--when other people who are hurting so much in this world
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 11:54:18 AM
Hello Penny,

It makes me so sad to read about the pain and sorrow that you are experiencing...I can sympathize with all the sorrow that you are indicating...so much of what you are relating is how I feel now on day 76 since I lost my darling wife...I have the crying that happens so much...all the reminders around the house..from many of the good times and some from the last several weeks of her illness...there is some joy but at this point mostly extreme sorrow in my heart always...we thought we were doing everything right...she was never sick or even worn out before this disease...I am forcing myself to try and keep busy...it is a little bit of a distraction...not much...my head still feels numb...Ii miss her so much and can not stand being without her...I still avoid other people as it usually is another " couple " that I would have to do something with like dinner or walking...I keep my phone off...it is not a life...I am just existing for no purpose...I do not know what else to relate...I am just very sorry that all here are going through these horrible experiences...all the why questions are to no avail...I do it so much myself and never can find any answers...it seems that all of us have to drift in this sea of remorse until we happen upon a person, place or thing that offers some refuge ...who knows how long we will have to drift...
Try to be kind to yourself...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 07:38:55 PM
Hello Penny,
Hope you are OK...just wanted to give you a link that I posted in my section,,,it has some photos of some of the flowers from my wife's garden...she loved to work in the garden and we spent a lot of time there...
wishing you well...

Leo

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 28, 2010, 01:08:36 AM
leo,

your wife has some beautiful flowers--i could never grow flowers or plants i have a brown thumb--i am just so lonely without fred--we had plans for this weekend and now there are no plans to follow through on--my heart hurts all the time--continue to cry all the time--and no support system for me to express what i am feeling expect on this website--i could write a book everytime i post something but the tears well up eyes so bad i can barely see sometimes.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 04:28:46 AM
Hello Penny,

 I am glad you like the flowers...I too am going through such devastating pains and sorrow...still can't believe my wife is not here...I do not know what I am going to do...our wonderful life is gone forever...I am just floating in such a void...
I come here and write often...write as much as you want...time is the one thing that I have and we all care here and listen...no one should have to experience such sadness...I am sorry for your loss...we are all in such difficult and trying situations...
wishing you some kind of peace...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 28, 2010, 04:43:16 PM
Leo,

thank you for your kind words--and i know the void you are feeling about the loss of your wife--i am still numb and in shock with fred's death being so unexpected--i wasnt prepared this at all--my heart just aches--i dont like being here alone--this world can be so cruel by taking our loved ones away from us--i am not looking forward to this weekend at all-- there was so much fred and i were going to do this weekend and now there is nothing--every memorial day we always went for a ride on the harley after fred was done going to the cemetaires with the legion to honor the veterns.  I miss him so much and i am barely coping to get through this traumatic event that happened--everything is such a chore for me now it takes me forever to get anything done. tomorrow will be 21 days that he will be gone and i still keep going over and over that morning in my head.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 28, 2010, 09:34:49 PM
Hi
  This is a hard weekend, everyone is off, and everyone is out and together with their partners, I am just going to stay around the house, maybe my son and his family will come over, I am not sure, but I don;t want to go anywhere where everyone is having fun. It just isn't fair, we are miserable,  I have true heart ache tonight literally.  I am so sad for all of us, so terrible to be alone,  half of us is missing, and will never return so we are half of what we were.
Well have a decent day tomorrow,
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 29, 2010, 03:11:17 PM
today is 3 weeks since i have been able to hold, talk and be a companion to my wonderful husband--i miss him so much my heart is in so much pain and there is no one here for me--the house is empty and too queit--i put the tv on for noise but have no idea what is on. i just keep thinking about my wonderful fred and as to what went wrong that day--i got the emergency report in the mail today per my request and i wish i could understand some of the words they used--but from what i could gather the shock treatment machine wasnt used--which i dont understand as to why they wouldnt have used it
i am so miserable without him part of me is missing and it is hard to continue on without him--i miss his smile, his scent everything--fred was my world and my shining star all we needed was each other--yes there have been times that i thought of taking my own life to be with him--but then i think of our dogs and what would happen to them--they are what is keeping me going right now--i am in so much pain there is such a big hole in my heart--i still cry all the time and i really am hating saturdays now
my co-workers are tired of me breaking down all the time and dont understand why i cant stay focused on the job. i tried to explain that i will be an emotional rollercoaster for a long time and that they will need to bear with me on this but they just walk away and shake their heads--i even asked one of my co-workers if they knew what it was like to have their heart ripped right out their chest and never have it put back in and then i was told "well i dont want to walk in your shoes."
i am still numb and not able to face the reality that he is not coming home--i just miss him so much and i want him  back  
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 29, 2010, 04:54:42 PM
Hello Penny,

The power went off for the second time today and I lost the whole post that I was writing to you...so I am starting over...I am so sad to read how your day is going without your dear Fred...so much of what you are relating is what I am feeling all the time...today is 78 days without my dear wife...I do not see myself getting any better...still avoid friends because of things that they say like: she is in a better place...or god needed her now ( I beg to differ we needed each other now...where is the logic in inflicting horrible disease and death on such a good person) or it was her time or more good people are needed wherever...all of these things are meant to placate the living...I never want to offend any one with what I say...these things are my opinions and we should respect the opinions of another ...many people knowingly or unknowingly are unwilling to respect how someone else feels...that's life...
Today I am home alone...with TV turned on to break the haunting silence...I went to the store in the pouring rain just to get out ...there were quite a few people out despite the heavy down pour and thundering...very gloomy day weather wise to complement my mental state...
I sympathize with you so much and am sad at the pain that you are experiencing with your loss...I do not know what else to say...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 29, 2010, 10:51:46 PM
Hi to young to be a widow,
       It is so scary to me but everyword that you said in your last post is exactly what I feel, even the dogs, I want to be with him also, and I have thought about it many times to, Where do we go from here, I just don't know
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 30, 2010, 03:55:45 AM
another lonely day to struggle through--this pain is deep and no one to help me through this--i still cant go in our bed--i miss fred so much--without him i have no purpose in this life--everything is such a chore without him--i need him in my life--every where i turn i look for him but he is not there--i tried talking to friend or so i thought they were yesterday but i got the same reply that i need to move on but i dont want too--there is much hurt in my heart and i just cant cope anymore--this weekend has been really tough seeing so many happy people enjoying there weekend--i hear motorcycles go by and i just break down all over again--it wasnt suppose to be like this--my fred needs to be here with me
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 30, 2010, 02:16:25 PM
Hello Penny,

I hear what you are saying and I am so sorry for all that you have been through...what you say mirrors so much of what I am going through as I try to  make it through this weekend...it is raining hard and some thunder is mixed in...I did get outside for 2-3 hours today...I have to keep very busy otherwise I go completely off the deep end...even then I am very close to it...I do not know what to tell you...I do not know what to tell myself...we are in this twilight zone and I guess we will wander for who knows how long...I am just trying to make it through today...there are many festivities around my area but I have absolutely no interest in any sort of participation...I am not looking for any one to suggest any thing to me...I have to find my own way although there are some people that persist, whether they realize it or not, and try to say what THEY think is right for me...I just turn them off and minimize contact...

wishing you better days...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 30, 2010, 03:26:05 PM
karen and leo,

this pain we all share is so tormenting--and only we know this pain--i dont think there is anything one can say or do to make this go away--i try to keep myself busy but i have no enegry to do anything--the house needs cleaning but all i really do is stare at the walls--tv can be on but i have no idea what is on--its mainly to silence this silence--this weekend has been rough--and tomorrow will be worse--the tears dont stop and there is no way to control them
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: barbp on May 30, 2010, 05:22:25 PM
I read all your posts and I don't really have anything to add, all I feel has been expressed.

I leave the house and go to the store just so I am not home alone. Once in the store I stand there and cry because I see all the foods Jeff and I would buy for our meals. I still have the text messages from the last shopping list he sent me for the shrimp stir fry he had planned to make the day he died. I can't cook. I haven't cooked a real meal in the seven weeks since Jeff died. I either eat out very cheaply (I get 50% the meals at the restaurant that is attached to the hotel where I work) or I buy microwave meals.

I still need to clean the carpet from when the EMTs, police and medical examiner all were in my house the day Jeff died, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I have moved the furniture in the bedroom twice now (I think the newest configuration is the best) because I cannot bare being in there the way it was when Jeff died. I have a hard time even stepping in front of the closet because that is where I dragged Jeff's body from the bed when the 911 operator asked me to put him on the floor and to start chest compressions. When I step there I feel I am violating sacred ground. I know I am being irrational, but I can't help the thoughts creeping in anyways. I can't stand being alone, but then I can't be around people either.


Hugs to all of us!

Barb
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 30, 2010, 06:46:55 PM
Hi everyone
     This is a tough weekend, I to go into a store and just walk around, just to do something, my mind is not there, I am just wandering, I do that most of the time, just to get out of the house,  Today I tried to keep myself very busy,  I knew that if I didn't I would get crazy, so I pushed myself to just get out.
      Life is so different, for all of us, I wake up and go to sleep myself, something that I never did, I wander through the days alone, also something that we always did together, he retired pretty young he was only 52, so we were always together, and enjoyed it, even if we weren't doing anything, we didn't need to.
      I miss him every minute, but I know that he is with me all the time, and he wants me to be strong, so I am trying.
Take Care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 30, 2010, 06:47:15 PM
barb,

i do know the feeling of not wanting to be around people--and i dont like being alone either--so i too am avoiding people--i told my supervisor that i did not want to work on the registers anymore because i cannot bare to talk to the customers and that it is so hard to be happy and upbeat while waiting on people as it is in our policy to do--i prefer to hide in the kitchen as to where they do not see me unless i have to take food out to the warming plate which sometimes is way to often--fred was always the outgoing and friendly person--as to where it took me a little while longer to open up to people--fred helped me change my life around after we started dating back on july 2, 1983--for i was going down the wrong path at that time--i can not get past the fact that he is gone--i just want to believe that this has been a horrible nightmare for the past 22 days.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on May 31, 2010, 11:46:50 AM
I've been experiencing many of the same problems around the house.  When Joe first went (still have trouble writing it sometimes) I kept cleaning the house like a maniac, thinking that if the house was spotless he would come home.  Cleaning was what I was always able to do, it was the one thing I could do to make his life easier.  Now I can't be bothered.  I'm especially afraid of the kitchen.  That was his.  He loved to cook.  I still have his last shopping list sitting on the shelf.  I order in almost every night.  I haven't shut his phone off either, can't.  People tell me all in my own time.  Everything is just the way he left it.  This apartment was the melding of out lives.  I can't even think about deconstructing it.  Wishing you all peace.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 31, 2010, 01:00:41 PM
today has been a blur for me--i've been crying all day--i did manage to go the cemetary to honor our vets and visit my husband--but when the Legion arrived my hubby wasn't there holding the American Flag or the gun for the salute as he usually did with them for he loved doing this every Memorial Day.  When the Chaplian mentioned Fred's name the tears just poured out of me. Some of the Legion members stopped by Fred's graveside which i thought was nice of them to do since they normally do not do this as part of the ceremony.  I could not get myself to go to the parade as i normally do to watch him with pride on his face as he marched with the Legion members.   Eating is not an option i look at food and i get sick to my stomach--i finally manged to get the dishes done from the funeral until i came across the pizza pan--that fred made his last pizza on--fred also loved to cook especially if we were going to grill outside--he do the outside cooking and i would do the side dishes inside--now i have no reason to cook--and no purpose in this life.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 05:04:19 PM
Hi to young to be a widow,
      My Johnny also loved to cook, and I am not eating the same since the day that he got sick, I have lost a lot of weight, I just eat to get full, no matter what it is.  You can't give up, he wouldn't want you to.  Eat anything as long as it will sustain you until your next meal,.  I know that you don't want to, but you have to force yourself or you will get sick. Then what?,  I was in and out of the house all day today with no purpose, so I cleaned up after Johnny, he saved everything, So  I have a whole basement to go through, as I never went down there when he was alive.  So you could imagine all the saving of stuff.  I took care of the dogs, brushing them and so forth, ate a little left overs from when my son was over and that is it, now I will go take a shower, and relax in bed and write in my journal.
    What a meaningless life,
Well take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 31, 2010, 05:48:00 PM
karen,

I know fred wouldn't want me to give up he always made sure we had our meals pretty much on a regular schedule since i am a diabetic along with many other medical issues that is why we were prepared for me to go first-- i try to force myself to eat but it doesnt stay down--sometimes it does but most of the time it doesnt--we dont have a basement in our current home but i was always afraid of the basement in our other home before we were forced out of it--so fred would be the one to go down there and fix things or whatever it was he needed to do--it has been a long trying day--coping through this alone--i wrote in my journal earlier today and will probably do some more before i start to rest for the night--since sleep doesnt come easy for me either

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on May 31, 2010, 06:56:21 PM
Hello Penny,

Seems like today was very difficult for you...I can sympathize with your feelings...I know there are so many times that I feel like giving up...I tell myself that this is no life...at best it is a poor excuse for half of a life and it has no purpose...I did most of the cooking and have been eating OK...it makes me sad that you are not able to eat well...I have a whey protein isolate that I make as a shake on some days...you can get ones that are very low in sugar ( I get ones without any sweeteners and I would not use any with splenda or sugar substitutes except if they had xylitol or stevia which are safe and have extremely low or zero glycemic indices, respectively) and should be absorbed reasonably well...I do take proteolytic enzyme capsules which further break down the protein in the whey isolate for even better absorption...it does not have much taste but one could add a little fruit and blend...if someone has a milk allergy the whey may be best to avoid...the isolate I use has all of the lactose removed...

wishing that you were feeling a little better...also hope that you will be able to eat and sleep better...I care about other people doing well...we have all lost our loved ones and it would bother me terribly if I thought someone on this site was going to be lost too...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 09:07:58 PM
Hi Penny
      It is 12:00 and I am in bed  with the tv on, so just checking in with everyone,  I am sorry that you are having such trouble eating, I wasn't eating for a while, and lost a lot of weight, now I am forcing myself to eat, and trying to get back to myself.  Sometimes it is very easy to eat soup, when I was going back and forth to the hospital for the 3 weeks that Johnny was their, that is all I could get down, it is better than nothing. and pretty nourishing, maybe you should see your doctor if you are having  so much trouble, if you don't eat or keep anything down, you will get weak. 
      It is funny because I never went into the basement either, he used to do everything down their, I hate it down there it is like a dungeon, but I have to straighten it up, and that is where the washer and dryer is, now I have to do it, I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
     Good Night
    Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 01, 2010, 11:48:25 AM
to all,

i will give the shakes a try and see if i can keep them down--its been another long trying day and a lot more appointments to attend to yet today--it seems as though the tears dont stop at all anymore--need to go or now

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 01, 2010, 01:19:07 PM
Hi Penny
  I am having a real bad day, just walking around in a fog, frustrated, very miserable, missing him terribly, don't know what I am going to do
Have to go
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 01, 2010, 01:44:43 PM
Hi All,
I'm so sorry we're all in so much pain.  Eating is what sustains life, is it any wonder that we have trouble with it when so much of the day hangs on questioning life's purpose?  Yesterday just going to the corner store was a chore.  I went to the movies with my mom and some friends on Sunday.  I kept thinking. . .being a widow doesn't make sense.  I'm still married, but my husband isn't here. . .the purpose of getting married wasn't the event. . .it was knowing my husband would always be here.  He said he would never leave.  Why did life make him a liar?  It's thundering out now, fits my mood.  I feel so far away from him.  When will I be able to dream of him again?  I wear his clothes, I sit on his computer in his room, I listen to his music and pretend to dance with him. . . yet I feel so far away.  People tell me it will come, the dreams, the feeling him again.  I just need to be ready.  I'm ready!  What else do I have to do?

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 05:21:50 PM
Hello Penny,

I do hope that you will improve some in eating and in you overall well being...we all have such difficult roads to travel...it bothers me to know that all are in such pain and sadness...I feel so helpless...I think that my eating and getting 6 ours of reasonable sleep has helped my physical condition...the pain and sadness have not improved at all and I feel as if I am at the bottom of a very deep pit ( probably quicksand )...some days it gets even deeper...some one said to me very recently "that in time you will do better and who knows"...how are you one and so much on love with someone for almost 33 years and ever live with it or who knows? I know that they mean well and I do not say any thing to them...that is why I stay to myself...
I want to help all here but I feel there is not much that I can do except write and write...it is so frustrating...

I hope you are OK and get through the evening...I am going outside to water a few things...I can listen anytime...

wishing you well...

Leo

Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 02, 2010, 12:33:42 PM
hello all,

this is a continuing struggle that seems like it will never go away--i dont stop crying at all anymore--looking at food still makes me nausous--but i did force myself to try a shake and for the most part kept it down--sleeping isnt there yet but did manage to get a little bit last night about half an hour since the power was out and it was several hours before it came back on--i still dont see these days getting better except them getting worse--i did see a thereapist but i really don't feel it helped much--i did share with her about my grief and guilt about fred's death and wishing how things would have turned out differently that day--but in the end nothing has changed--the love that we have for our loved ones is so deep--and we all have such holes in our hearts--and it is those of us who have suffered these losses who know this pain

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 02, 2010, 05:51:37 PM
Hi Penny
     It is good that you are seeing a therapist, don't give up on it, it takes time, but they will help you cope, As soon as my health insurance is straightened out, I plan on seeing a therapist, I have been trying grief groups, but I don't know if it is enough for me,  it is true that no one really understands what we are feeling, only we do.  The emptyness, the hole in our heart to other people it is only words, they don't feel it.  Well I went to work today, so it was better than yesterday for me, but still not good, at least I wasn't in bed all day.  I don't know what to say to change anything that we are feeling, I wish I did know the answer.  Well take care,
Hugs Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 03, 2010, 11:35:52 AM
karen,

they are still working on my health insurance issues also--this is just a horrible experience for all of us--this pain we all share is so miserable--i have been writing in my journal a lot lately just expressing anything and everything--do i feel better afterwards--no--but the tears just keep flowing as i write--there is so much grief and sorrow in this world--and it hurts even more when you lose the one you love so dearly--and had no idea it was going to happen

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on June 03, 2010, 07:16:43 PM
Hello Penny,

I know about the pain...some friends have said time will heal...but how do you heal almost 33 years of being so close and in love so very much with someone that you are one with?...I do not wish to be a skeptic but all seems to be too deeply ingrained in me to have time ease much in any significant way...
I mentioned about ginger root in my section....it helps ease nausea and stomach upset and aids in digestion...hope that you are doing OK...

wishing you the best...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 04, 2010, 09:33:08 AM
leo,

thanks for the shake idea--i have been able to keep them down--i dont have much but its something in my system anyways--i tried something solid the other night but my appetite isnt there yet--sleep isn't getting any better--but i have managed to go into our bedroom and lay in the best and rest for a bit..

Karen,

i hope you are having a better day than what you had earlier this week--i know the fog and misery we all share--for today has been another hard day for me--4 weeks ago fred and i were on our way to the other side of the state--we were suppose to come home together--but i came home alone--i miss fred so much--i still haven't stopped crying--and there is no way this pain will ever stop.

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 04, 2010, 06:40:34 PM
Hi Penny
    I am still in a lousy mood, feeling pretty disgusting, but going to work the last 3 days were a save for me, at least it got me out of the house, which I don't know if I would of done in this mood.  I also decided to seed out a medium that I heard a lot about, George Anderson, I have to go and be sure that Johnny is OK. 
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 05, 2010, 10:09:22 AM
karen,

i hope this meduim helps you through your grieving process and will be able to talk to johnny and know he is okay--today is another horrible day--i really hate saturdays this is the 4th saturday i have been without my wonderful fred since 10:20 am--i miss him so much and this pain is so unbearable--i still have no energy to do anything--i still feel as though this is nothing but a nightmare for which i cannot wake from even though i dont sleep--i can rest but not sleep--eating has been improving but not by much--i am able to keep  things down now--but still dont have an appetiate--i mainly am forcing myself to eat.--still cannot remember what i do from day to day its all still in a fog--i feel as though i have no where to turn--no where to go--i am so lost and all alone.

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 05, 2010, 09:06:52 PM
Penny
  I know what you are going through, the fog, not knowing what you are doing, I am still there to, It is scary,, and I don't know what is going to happen to us.  I miss Johnny so much, I want to be with him so much, I just don't know how we are going to get through this, nobody understands except the people on this site.  I am very angry now, I hate feeling like this,
take care
karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 08:55:16 PM
Hello Penny,

So very sorry to read what you are going through...I can relate to your sadness and mental anguish so much...I do hope that something improves for you..we are in such an early phase of our losses...yours is more recent than mine but at day 86 I still have such a terrible time...I think that when I talk to people ( very, very few times ) I must convey a better situation than I am actually experiencing...but deep inside my mind I feel so ravaged that I feel like I could burst...I think to myself " why go on " ... "what is the use "...I miss my dear wife and I can relate as to how you feel about Fred...I am so very sorry that you are going through this traumatic experience...wish that I could say something to help you...we truly are lost souls who are subjected to such pain...it makes no sense to me...

wishing you a better tomorrow...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 07, 2010, 09:03:19 AM
thanks leo and karen,

these last 2 days have been awful for yesterday i could not get myself to crawl out of the chair after getting home from church-i was only able to let the dogs out yesterday when they wanted out but otherwise i couldn't even get my self to do anything--not even something as simple as turning the computer on--i spent it crying all day long--this is hard to be without our loved ones--and i don't know how i can manage to go on sometimes

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 11:34:36 AM
Hello Penny,

I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult period as you face your terrible loss...I can sympathize with your feelings and I know we all have different ways and thoughts on how we approach our agonizing times...I do not know what else to tell you except that I care about your doing OK...we have all experienced such great losses...I have such a difficult time dealing with mine...I am trying to maintain some semblance of stability in my life...not sure where my actions will take me...although we all face extreme sadness and pain we likely will follow different routes and have different philosophies on how to achieve our peace...I can not relate any more to you because what is beneficial to me may not be for you...I wish that I could help you more...try to take care of yourself...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 07, 2010, 03:36:08 PM
leo,

everyday is struggle and i do not see it getting any better any time soon--my heart aches all the time--i cant stop crying--i hear motorcycles go by and it makes things worse--our harley was fred's pride and joy we would always go for ride as long as it wasnt raining or to close to night fall--because i was always afraid of hitting a deer on the motorcycle and where we live they are always out at night--i love and miss fred so much that i cannot cope without him--i need his strength and he is not here to give it to me--i still dont sleep even though i am exhausted--this loneliness is so unbearable along with this pain i have--this pain that we all share here on this site is unbearable for all of us--i have been able to keep the shakes down--i tried some solid food again today but it was a no go after 2 hours--tomorrow is another work day and i know it is going to be a very rough one just due the date tomorrow.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 07:17:41 PM
Hello Penny,

I hear every single word that you are saying and it is such a shame that we all have to go through these horrific situations...our wonderful, happy lives were taken from us in such an inconsiderate and unjust manner...again, no answers...no solutions...we are left to wallow alone as tormented individuals...life is a gamble...a roll of the dice as my dear wife said...
I relate to what you are saying  but, unfortunately, there is nothing that I can say...I have no one close with whom I can confide so this site is my wailing wall...I am very happy and appreciative that Tom Golden has such a wonderful site...

Anything that is put in a blender will normally be absorbed better than eating solid foods ( especially if the pieces remain large when after chewing and swallowing )...once most people get past 50 years old the amount of digestive enzymes produced in the body diminishes rapidly...so some sort of digestive enzyme is very beneficial...

wishing some peace of mind for you...

Leo
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 07, 2010, 08:20:40 PM
Hi Penny
    Boy today was a bad one, I think I went through just about every emotion there is today, I was with friends yesterday, and I thought it went ok, then I got up this morning and had to make some calls to union and social security, got a little annoyed with the waiting, then I got the anxiety, and it just progressed, I thought I was going to have to go th the hospital, I took a xanex and slowly it got better,  this is not good, my son called tonight to talk and i broke down and upset him, I don't know what is wrong with me now, maybe because I am anticipating his birthday on the 13th, I don't know but today better not repeat itself.  What are we going to do?
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 08, 2010, 12:56:11 PM
karen,

i hope today is a better day for you--these emotions that we all share are frustrating--and i am sure with johhny's birthday coming up soon isn't going to ease the pain any--did you two do anythig special on your birthdays??--i'm glad you have something for your anxiety attacks so that you can have some kind calming with your inner self--we are grieving the loss of of our loved ones and from what i am understanding this is all part of it.

however--i do not feel as though my grieving is getting me anywhere except farther into my depression--these last few days have been horrible for me--it's been a month and i am not improving at all--i am just sinking farther and farther into the depths of darkness--i even left my session early today with my therapist(actually she is a spiritual therapist for she is all i can afford at the moment)--because i could not talk to her about everything that goes through my head and by the time i had gotten there i was done dealing with people for the day--so that didnt help matters either--and i felt as though she was more or less lecturing me while i was there instead of trying to help me--if it wasn't for my dogs i could care less what would happen to me--i care as to what would happen to them--i hate being alone and this deafening silence--and now my tv is broke and no radio that works for any kind of background noise


penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 08, 2010, 08:09:41 PM
Hi Penny
     Today was a better day for me, thank goodness, I woke up like a different person today, very strange.  We are going to my sons house on Sunday for Johns birthday, and my other son and his family will meet us there.  I don't really know how it is going to go, but at least we will all be together. I know that in the first month I was still in shock, now the shock is wearing off, and I think that is why the roller coaster.  Do you have some close friends or family that can help you, you have to have a tv or radio, you can't take the silence, even though we have the dogs, I still need the backround noise, I know that the feelings get harder and harder in the first 2 months, like I said the shock wears off, the shock I am told is a protection.
Take care of yourself,
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 09, 2010, 10:57:20 AM
hi karen,

this is so hard to here without fred--he was my inspiration--my everything--i wish i had the answers as to what really went wrong that day but i will never get them.  

i'm glad you are feeling better and i hope everythign goes well for you on sunday--it will help that you will have your family close to you--and hopefully you all can share some happy memories of johnny with each other.

i did get someone to get the broken tv moved for me and just put the old tv we had here in ther frontroom--its not the best but its noise which is what i need--to deafen the silence.

i still am in the shock stage and the blaming myself stage--but i was able to keep solid food down last night and this morning--dont know what will happen later but will find out i guess

my family lives over 5 hours away so it is hard for them to come when i need them and vice versa--no i am not going to move closer to them since i need to be able to go the cemetary when i feel the need to which is quite often

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 09, 2010, 01:23:22 PM
i am not coping well at the moment--the tears wont stop--i'm having bad thoughts--i wont do anything because of my dogs but the thoughts are still there--i am so lonely and i love and miss fred so much--this pain this awful pain--i need fred here so bad i dont want to go on with out him--no where to turn
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 09, 2010, 05:42:51 PM
HI Penny
   So sorry you are having such a bad day today, your Fred would not want you to be this sad, it would hurt him, Stay strong, it is good that you ate and keep it down,r, every day is different today started off o k for me and then went bad at work, I got overwhelmed and anxious, so i really am not the one to preach to you,  all I can say is take it one hour or minute at a time and don't look ahead of this day,
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 10, 2010, 03:20:49 PM
hi karen,

today isnt really any better--i am so depressed today--i have been finding myself just staring at the walls a lot today--no energy and being at work today was such a chore--i didnt want to be there--it is so hard being here without fred when he was my everything--it is so lonely here with out him

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 10, 2010, 06:05:50 PM
Hi Penny
I know what you mean, half of you is gone, one minute at a time is all we can do, sometimes one hour or day is a little better thatn the rest.  Take it,  it is the hardest thing that we will have to do, I don't know how I am going to do it, but I when I take it one day at a time, I am o K, i can't think past that day.  I think of Johnny all day every day, but  I know that he is right next to me, I feel his presence, so that helps me even though I can't see of touch him. That helps me a little. I hope that you find some peace, God Bless
I know how hard it is,
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 11, 2010, 10:51:37 AM
hi karen,

today was a little better until the end of my shift when a customer came in and caught me off guard with her comment she made--she just sent me right into tears--i wish i could feel fred's presence but i think i made the mistake of letting the donor organization take part of him and that is why i cannot feel him--i know fred would have wanted to help others that was his nature--he would given his shirt off his back for anybody--it wouldn't of matter who it was--and yes this is the hardest thing we have to do--being here without him just stings-- i still want to come home and tell him aout my day even though i know he is not here--i do write to him in my journal--but it's just not the same

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 11, 2010, 03:47:39 PM
Hi Karen and Penny,

The first month I lost Joe I could feel him all around me, there were "signs" everywhere.  I don't feel him anymore and wish I did.  I ask him to come home every night.  I write letters to him in my journal, and I talk before bed. 

Penny,

I feel guilt.  I had to make a decision that no one should ever have to make.  I did what I think my husband would want.  Many people I know that lost couldn't feel them, couldn't dream of them.  I've only dreamt my husband once since it happened.  My friend say they went through the same thing, but it comes!  And when it does you'll feel peace.  I don't know, but I hope it's true.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 11, 2010, 06:45:27 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
       For the first month I was in shock and couldn't feel anything,  It bothered me so much that I hadn't dreamt of him or could feel him near me.  then I think the shock wore off and I had a few dreams of him and I asked him to stay close to me, and I felt him right next to me, I know that he is near me, I feel it, he is with me all the time, I asked him not to leave until I have to go with him and I know that he won't go without me.  Just ask them and they will come to you. I miss him so much, I wish that I could hug him, but I can't , It is his birthday on Sunday, and I think of last year, we had a big birthday for his 60th, the whole family, we had a good time, so I am really down today, and I know that I will be all weekend. I will be with my children and their families on Sunday so that migjht be good or not, I am very anxious about it.  I wish that he was here and that I could see him,
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 12, 2010, 10:55:26 AM
Hi Karen,

Sunday is going to be rough for me too.  It is the anniversary of when we first started dating.  It started with champagne so I'm planning to go to the cemetery and share some with him.  It was our tradition.  I miss him so much.  I hate that I am supposed to go on without him.  He told me he would never leave me.  I ask him to wait for me every night, to stay close and honestly, to come and get me as soon as he can.  I wish he were here.

Good luck on Sunday.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 12, 2010, 11:16:04 AM
hi Jackie and karen,

i will be thinking of both of you tomorrow as you struggle through johnny's birthday--and jackie with your 1st date with joe--both my times are coming up at the end of the month our 24th wedding annivesary will be june 28th and our first anniversary for our 1st date will be july 2nd--so i will be getting a double whammy that i am not looking forward to at all.

i am so lost and confused right now--not for only losing fred but i got a call last night from the donor organization and they informed me that they would not be able to use fred's gifts--after doing some testing they discovered that he had adenocarinoma cancer--as to which i am really baffled--fred never compained of feeling ill--just those few days before i lost him as to where one day he would eat normal and then the next he wouldn't really be hungry--i just don't understand this at all--i still cannot feel his presence and i really wish i could--i love and miss him so much

i really don't like saturdays anymore today is week 5 since i have been able to hold, hug, talk be a companion to my husband--when 10:20 am comes around i am nothing but a wreck--the tears dont stop--and it didn't help with the song that was on at work at 7am this morning--i burst into tears right away--it was a song he would sing to me all the time--my heart still aches and this pain is so terrible and i just cant stop asking to why this has happened--nor can i still stop blaming myself

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 12, 2010, 11:32:48 AM
Dear Penny,

I'm sure these special days will be difficult for us all for quite a while.  I hope that one day it will be only the sweetness that remains.

I feel tremendous guilt also.  I called Joe multiple times before the accident, but I feel like if I called more he would've picked up and that would have stopped his moving for the one second he needed.  I rode my bike passed the site a half hour before it happened, why couldn't something have held me up?  Then in the hospital I had to sign papers to remove life support.  Even writing it hurts.  I wanted to wait, but his family and the doctors said I was waiting in vain.  I can't help but question if it was the right decision.  Maybe some advancement in technology or medicine could have restored him to me.  I long to feel him again, and I also hate the weekends.

I wish I knew why.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 12, 2010, 09:43:14 PM
Hi Jackie and Penny
     Well I got up a little wild today, had coffee, and started cleaning and throwing out stuff (not his things) just stuff, I just stopped about an hour ago, my back is broken,  I know that I overdid it, but I had to keep very very busy, I talked to him a lot today, My family will all be together tomorrow, so that hopefully will get us through the day.  I hope that your day will not be to sad Jackie, it is so hard for us, have a glass of champagne for me.  I hope you get through it OK, and I know what you are saying, because I always said the same thing to Johnny, you can't leave me, I have to go first or with you, so now what? I also ask him to stay with me and not leave, and he is, I feel his presence very strong, I ask him to stay with me until it is my time and we can go together, I know he will. I didn't feel him at first either, I guess it takes them some time, but then about a month after he passed I did feel him and he has been with me since, all the time.
  Penny, I am sorry that you found out more upsetting news,  are they sure?, how come the doctors didn't know?  It is so hard for us, all the questions, all the whys, there aren't any real answers, it is just horrible.  Last year we had a special celebration for Johnny's 60th birthday we had such a great time, look at the difference this year, so sad.
Well I better try to get some sleep, my back is broken, but I don't know if sleep will come, so I am going to take an ambian tonight, I have to sleep
Take Care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 13, 2010, 04:21:06 AM
Hi Jackie and Karen,

i will be thinking of both you today and hope that you both can make it through the day with some kind of comfort

when i was talking with them the guy said that he double checked with whoever wrote the report cuz he couldnt believe it either and that is what it said--dont know why dr didnt know fred was going to go for his annual check up when we got back from across state but he never got to go--so i am still lost and confused about all of this--i tried looking this information up on the net but i don't understand the big medical terms--the only thing i could understand is that the cancer started in the lungs and then it spreads throughout the body from there.

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 13, 2010, 09:22:30 PM
Dear Jackie and Penny,
          that is very strange, could it be a mistake, nothing would surprise me , they switch medical reports all the time, I don't know how you would check, but I would call his doctor and maybe make an app't with him so that he can explain this stuff to you, it is so hard to understand all the medical jargon especially when you are reading it off the net, every site says something different.
         Well I got through today, it wasen't easy, we were all at my son's house, he made my husbands favorite dinner, ravioli, stuffed artichokes, and good italian bread, then i bought 2 helium balloons, and the kids all wrote notes to John and we attached them to the balloons, went outside wished him a happy birthday, told him how much we love him and let the balloons go, they kids were so sweet, watched the balloons go all the way to heaven.  very emotional , then my daughter in law made a cake, the kids sang happy birthday blew out the candles and Johnnys cap was right there, so that the kids knew he was there, and that was it, hard day for all of us.
Hope that everyone has a good tomorrow, I have had stress in my body all weekend, I hope it calm's down a little now.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 14, 2010, 05:17:34 AM
hi karen,

this wasn't a doctor that informed me of this my husband was a tissue and organ donor and it was the organization that told me this--it was the funeral director that had requested to have fred's gifts sent to a patholigist because the organization found some nodules around the sac of fred's heart--and since i didnt have an autopsy done i wont know where the cancer orginated from--when the hospital staff informs you that your loved one has passed as we all know they throw everything at you so fast that one doesnt even have time to grasp the fact that you just lost the love of your life or even time to think about anything.

im glad you made it through yesterday--it was nice to have the kids send the balloons to heaven to johnny and im sure he held on to them with great pride

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 14, 2010, 09:59:46 AM
i don't know how much more devastating information i can handle anymore--now i am really questioning as to whether or not i want to be a donor--i really don't think i could put anybody through what i am going through right now--its no wonder i cannot feel fred near me--besides the pain and hurt i suffer on a daily basis from losing fred and now to get this form in the mail from the organ and tissue place--it just made the hole in my heart even bigger--its bad enough that i have been crying all morning and now this letter it has just put me back to square one
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 14, 2010, 03:27:18 PM
Penny,

I'm not sure if this helps, but some people may look at it and say, "at least he escaped the suffering of cancer."  If that works for you hold on to it, if it doesn't, disregard.  People tell me all the time that maybe God took Joe quick in the accident because the cancer was coming back and he didn't want Joe to suffer through that again.  It doesn't really help me, but I could see that for some it's different.  Joe said that cancer takes a part of your soul.  It damages who you are in much more than physical ways.  With whatever faith and hope I have I pray that he isn't suffering now.  It doesn't help my pain, but I'd rather take it now than have him suffer where ever he is.  I guess the years of catholic school indoctrinated me into that martyr syndrome. 

Sorry for that rant.  I hope that some way you find peace.

Jackie

Karen,

It sounds like a lovely exercise in healing.  I celebrated at the cemetary with Joe.  Felt him some, but now I feel empty again.  This time of year is so difficult for me without him.  I just don't understand how I'm supposed to do this life without him.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 14, 2010, 08:15:29 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
     They say the same thing to me, that he was lucky in a way not to know or feel anything until he did, he was sick in the hospital for 3 weeks, not in pain until the last couple of days, they say that pancreatic cancer and how it had spread could have been a long horrible sickness, and the chemo would have made him so sick and it wouldn't have even really helped, so I could not of watched my love suffer any more than he did, if he had to go, then I am happy that he didn't suffer from the horrible disease, it is like a monster within.
     Penny, maybe it was better that he didn't know, I didn't realize it was the pathologist from the donor organization that determined this, I know that you are shocked, but think about how much he could have suffered.
 Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 15, 2010, 01:18:22 AM
hello Jackie and karen,

what made so upset yesterday was the form i recieved from the donor organization and as to what remains they took from fred which was basically everything--leaving nothing to hold the remans they didn't want such as the heart,  lungs, liver etc.--so my mind went wondering as to what they did with the remains that they didnt want did they throw them away, keep them for research etc. etc. etc--because what i didnt understand is why the guy was able to tell me that freds heart was normal as he was telling me about the cancer last week--no i wouldn't of wanted fred to suffer through the pain of cancer--for i had seen it on a daily basis with my father-in-law..

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 15, 2010, 08:17:54 PM
Hi Penny
     I do understand what your concern is, I would definately feel the same way.  I would think that they would keep them for research, I don't think they would throw them out, I would hope that they would of contacted you if that was the case so that you could decide if you wanted to bury the remains.  Oh this really stinks, to much pressure,  I hope that you can find some peace with this situation. it is very stressful not knowing.
take care
hugs
karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 17, 2010, 12:51:43 AM
hi karen,

im still confused about all of this some people have told me that they leave the remains in the body and others have told me they send them on for research--i tried asking the organization but all thyey did was give me the run around

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 17, 2010, 10:56:58 AM
today the sun is out and i wish it would go away--i need it to be cloudy and gloomy to go with the way i feel--today has just been a fog again--i know i went to work but what did i dont know the only thing i remember is when a co-worker asked if she would she me tomorrow all i said was "if i am unfortuntate enough to be here"--i love and miss fred so much i just want to be with him--even though i have our dogs it is so lonely here---and to quiet--my heart is in so much pain and i dont know how much more i can take--finding about the cancer and now trying to get a straight answer from donor organization--it just seems as though everything is a never ending battle
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 17, 2010, 03:09:56 PM
Hi Penny,
I say similar things all the time.  I know it upsets people around me, but it is how I feel.  Every day is a battle for us.  A battle with the world, a battle with fate, and a battle with ourselves.  Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to win or lose the battle.  All I think about is being with Joe again.  I hope you're able to find some peace in what is to come.  I have two cats, but I'm alone.  I guess the responsibility helps ground me in reality, but I feel alone all the time.  I'm just glad Yogi (our cat) now has another cat to take the sting out of losing his best friend.
Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 19, 2010, 01:07:51 AM
hi jackie,

today is the 6th week that fred and gone and i really hate saturdays--they are really tough to get through--i hate being alone and no one to come home too--i know its going to be struggle to get through this day the tears have already started

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on June 19, 2010, 02:14:00 AM
Hi Penny,

I know what you mean about Saturdays.  I hate the weekends too--being alone again while everyone around me is doing things with their spouses and having fun.  I went to the pool again today and was so jealous of all the couples I know--I just hope they know how fortunate they are and how it can all change in an instant.

I am crying also right now--have been up since 3:00 am, not able to sleep AGAIN.

Try and have a good day.

Jannie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 19, 2010, 10:54:12 AM
Hi Jannie,

it has been a rough day--went to work and dealt with all the happy people in the world and just like clock work at 10:20 am the tears have been non-stop--not as though i didnt start the day off crying to begin with but it gets worse at that time and for the rest of day--on saturdays after work i just come home cuz i just cant deal with people anymore--this lonely empty feeling inside of me is just to painful--my heart never stops aching--i still dont understand why this had to happen to such a wonderful man--fred always had such a good heart--always saw the good in everybody--its nice that you can go to the pool but yes it is so hard to be around happy people and i know the jealous feeling of being around them--as to where i cant even asnwer my phone at times as to where i am crying so hard--there are times i just wish god would just strike me down dead so i can be with fred--when we had the really bad storm the other night i was praying he would just take me and the dogs so we all could be together but it didnt happen and now i am still stuck here on this cruel world.

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on June 19, 2010, 11:50:02 AM
Hi Penny,

I hurt for you and the pain you are experiencing.  We all know how you feel.  I wish I could say I feel a lot better after nearly 4 months since Charlie left this world, but the only thing I have been able to do in all this time is to stop crying round the clock.  I still cry every day, but at least not all day.  I wake up sad and angry and scared every day of my life.  I wonder why I am still here as well, but I have no answers.  Please don't wish yourself dead.  You are still young, and although you can't even imagine it right now, you will smile again one day.  

As hard as this is for you and for all of us, we just have to work our way through it--cry, scream, and get mad--whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

Try and be good to yourself and get some rest.  I have been up since 3:00 am--I slept around 3 or 4 hours last night, so I am exhausted.  It is not a good state to be in.

Take care,
Jannie

Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 19, 2010, 04:01:43 PM
Jannie,

i think if i would have known about the cancer before hand i would be able to accept fred leaving me so unexpectly--i wasnt prepared for him to leave so sudden with no warning--i tried getting angry but it doesnt come along with screaming--the only thing i really do is swear a lot right now and that is not something i use to do before--neither fred or i swore--we didnt believe in it and always thought it wouldnt get us anywhere anyways--i know i am in such a depression right now and the whole world is nothing but gloom and doom--fred was my happiness in this world and now i dont have that--sometimes even minute by minute is to much to handle and today is one of those days.

penny 
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on June 19, 2010, 04:26:32 PM
Penny,

I hear you.  I swear at everything and everyone these days, and that is not like me either.  I hate myself for doing it, but I cannot help myself.  I am just so angry all the time.

Today was a bad day for me as well--did not even leave the house today.   I only talked to my brother-in-law who called to check on me about 4:30.

I have no magic words to make it better for you, but I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone here who have suffered such tragic losses.   I know it doesn't make things better, but please know that you are being thought of, and I pray that you will find some comfort and peace in sleep tonight. 

Hoping that tomorrow is a little better for you,

Take care,
Jannie


Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 19, 2010, 04:33:00 PM
Hi Jannie and Penny
       You are both having a bad day, well include me, I had my cousins over yesterday and that was good, today is a different story, I woke up and just didn't want to or have anything to do, so I went from room to room, like a jerk, then I finally decided that I better get myself out of the house, so I took a little walk with an empty head, then I got disgusted  came home and went to Bally's first time since Johnny passed, we used to walk out in the street 3 miles a day, I couldn't bring myself to do it, but today I found the strength, my son signed me up, so I went and I felt a drop better afterwards, you let out a lot of stress when you walk fast.  But now I am back home again alone, I don't know what we are going to do., I went to the group Friday night, and I just don't think that it is for me, every one that I went to. I always find something wrong, I think I am searching for something that I will never find,  maybe when my insurance straightens out I will try one on one, that might be better for me. I just don't know anymore,  I wake up scared. mad and sad to every day, I know what you mean.
take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on June 19, 2010, 06:28:49 PM
Penny and Karen,

Looks like we are all having a bad day today!  I am so totally exhausted right now--been up since 3:00 am and have been trying hard to stay awake so that I can hopefully sleep tonight.

It was a beautiful day here, and I just sat in the house.  I watched a movie I rented from Netflix--highly recommend it to all of you--it's called "Two Weeks" about a woman (played by Sally Fields) who is dying from ovarian cancer.  The circumstances surrounding the deaths of our loved ones are all different, but I think we can all relate to this film as it is so real in all the ways that people deal with death.  I also watched another one early this morning called "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith which dealt with loss and a "paying forward" of sorts.   It was another well made film which was quite moving. 

I just finished my dinner and had another crying spell.  I keep thinking about how Charlie and I so enjoyed getting dressed up and going out to dinner on Saturday nights.  We had our favorite places to go, and I don't think I can ever set foot in any of them ever again.  I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!

Karen, I'm sorry you have not found the right group yet.  The one group I found which was a good one has ended for the summer and will not resume until September.  It's on a Wednesday night, and I work until 7:00 on Wednesdays, so I am not sure I can continue with this group because I will not make it there on time.  I will have to try and find another one since I know I need it.  They are not meant to be a magic potion for our grief, but it does help us to be with others who share loss and know how we feel and what we are going through.

I hope everyone has a good night and a better day tomorrow.  I know it is Father's Day, and it will be another hard day for a lot of us.

Peace to all,
Jannie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 20, 2010, 04:29:36 AM
Hi Karen and Jannie,

I know its going to be another rough day today for all of us--even though fred and i didnt have any surviving children we always celebrated fathers day--by going out for breakfast and then we would go for our motorcycle ride--but today i will be going to the cemetary by myself and in the car since i cant drive the motorcycle--its suppose to rain here again today--fred and i did see the movie 7 pounds and yes it was quite moving--when i get the courage to rent a movie i will get the Two weeks and watch it--saturday nights use to be our movie and popcorn night unless we had to be somewhere--i too spent the whole day crying yesterday--and writing in my journal

i did actually get a few of hours of sleep last night--the last time i looked at the clock it was 2am and didnt get up until 5am--its the most i've gotten since i lost fred--i am thinking the reason i cant sleep--is if fred was gone to a legion meeting or even at our  neighbors for a few minutes i would always worry about him until he was home safe and laying next to me

i havent been able to join a group yet there isnt one until september in my area--for i live in a very small town and they dont offer any here--not even in a church there is all kinds of AA meetings but nothing for grief--I am not finding that meeting with the free therapist at the hospital very beneifial either which is a one on one--i felt as though the last time i met with her she was more or less giving me a lecture instead of trying to help me

heres hoping we all have little bit better of a day today

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on June 20, 2010, 08:00:20 PM
My God -- we all share a grief too much to bear.  I know too well the feeling of not sleeping, of not wanting to go to favorite restaurants, of not welcoming the warm sunshine or the dawn of a beautiful day.  I miss my husband, plain and simple, and I miss the comfort of the 'sameness' of our lives.
I am sorry for each of your losses, and I hope we receive some peace tomorrow -- just a little bit, to ease the pain in our souls, if not our hearts.

Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 20, 2010, 08:41:46 PM
Hi Penny, Jannie, and lovedhim
       Well my son, his wife and my grandsons were here most of the day, so I got through it, it was so very hot here today, I am so sorry that we are all in such bad shape,  like you said plain and simple we just miss them terrible, and that is the end of the story, there is no fixing it, or getting better, it is just so sad and unfair that we had to lose them like this, I just don't know, I wander around most of the time, aimlessly, just wanting the day to pass so I can go to bed.  What kind of life is this that we are going to lead now?,  so different than I had before, 100% change.  I am disgusted with the groups, I don't know what I want or what I am looking for.  Well I better try to get some sleep tonight, haven't slept good for a few nights.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 21, 2010, 04:45:03 PM
hi Karen, jannie and lovedhim,

these last 3 days have been really rough--got out of bed every day crying and cried through the whole entire day--nothing seems to be going right--and my mind has been racing all over the place--i cant concentrate on one thing at all--my body says to get up and do something but when i try i cant get up--i am so lost and confused right now i dont know which way to turn anymore--i tried to close my eyes and rest but it didnt happen--would this be becaus ei am antipating our anniversay coming up--i dont know--its just been a really bad 3 days

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 21, 2010, 08:52:57 PM
Hi Penny
   That is what it is, your anniversary, that is how i felt the week before Johnny's birthday, every day was one tougher than the other all the was up to his birthday, then the day after I crashed, that is what it is the anticipation, I don't really know what to tell you to do about coping with it, as I didn't do such a good job.  When is your anniversary?,  Life really stinks, we get through one event and then there is another right behind it.  I will tell you something Penny I am on anti depressants, if I wasn't I don't think that I would still be here, they really help me cope with each day.  Are you working this week? working is always a little distraction, even if we hate it, or get hold of friends or family and try not to be alone all the time, that only makes you more depressed.
Take care of yourself
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 22, 2010, 11:00:25 AM
hi Karen,

its our 24th wedding anniversay on June 28th and July 2nd, is the anniversary of our first date--we have been together since 1983--we moved in together in Sept. of 83 and have been together ever since--and now we are not in the same dimension and this has been really hard--every day is still a struggle to get through and its not getting any better--and then there is the 4th as to where fred marched in the parade for the legion and i would always go and watch--he was so proud to be the one to carry The American Flag--but i wont be going to the parade this year too many people and my boss wants me to work that day--yes i work normally its tues--until saturday 4am-noon--we had another power outage again last night--and they have always scared me i dont like being in the dark--fred always made sure we left a light on night--to make me feel at ease--i have 1 friend that is slowly coming around--but she is going to be gone until next week--otherwise my mother-in-law is nearby but she has already made plans with her current husbands children as to who i really never gotten along with--i thought about the anti depressants but when i was on tehm when zach died--they never helped me

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 22, 2010, 06:58:10 PM
Dear Penny,
As you know, I recently had my own anniversary.  Joe and I didn't just date.  We knew each other for years, and we were essentially married after that first kiss.  Anniversaries are hard.  It helped me to go to the cemetery and carry out our tradition.  Remembering was bitter sweet, but I thank whatever is out there that I have them.  I hope you find a minute to celebrate the love.
As for anti-depressants.  Do you have a therapist?  Often they know who is a good psychiatrist in your area for pharmacology.  I have a history of clinical depression.  The first psychiatrist I went to prescribed medication that made it worse.  Sometimes you have to try different medications to find the right one for you.  It doesn't stop the pain, but it can help you process it. 
Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 22, 2010, 07:07:06 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
        Jackie is right, sometimes you have to try different anti depressents until the doctor gets one that works for you, and like Jackie said, it helps, it helps you to cope a little.  Maybe you regular md, can recommend a psychiatrist so that he can help you find the right meds, even for a while, it will help you get through.
        I didn't get to our anniversary yet, that is in January, I hope you find something to do that will help you find peace that day.  This is just so tough, each and every occasion we will have to go through this anxiety and anticipation,
       I have joined a yoga class, and gym,  hopefully i can let out some of this anxiety, the yoga class was pretty nice, kind of forces you to relax, i enjoyed it., and the gym i went to a cardio class, so i left there nice and weak and tired, that is the whole idea,
  Hope you have a good night
    Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 23, 2010, 04:38:17 PM
hi Jackie and karen,
it was another rough day spent most of time writing in my journal when i got home--i will talk to my dr about anti deprssant when i go in july--i plan on going to the cemetary on monday--and taking the dogs with-along with the 3 roses we always got for each other--i also thought of taking a picnic lunch--but i dont know if the dogs will behave themselves long enough for me to do that

jackie

did you have all these panic\axiety attacks before your anniversary?? this feeling that you cant breath even if you wer around just a few people--i havent been able to get myself to a store this week and my dogs are going to food soon--but i just cant get myself to go--and i dont have the option to go late at night since i don't have a 24 hour store nearby--the closet one is over an hour away

karen its nice that you found some comfort in joining a yoga and cardio class

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 23, 2010, 07:52:42 PM
Hi Penny
    The not being able to breath is exactly what I get, but I take a anti anxiety med, when that happens, and it helps, do you have any kind of tranquilizers in the house, you can try one when you feel like that, until you get to your doctor, I get that exact feeling it is terrible, you can think you are having a heart attack the air just won't go in. Try to get to your doctor as soon as you can, it will help you to feel a little better,
     That is very sweet, going to the cemetary with the roses and the dogs, I am sure your husband would be very happy that you are all there, It is so hard for us,
Take care of yourself,
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on June 23, 2010, 08:31:00 PM
Hi Penny,
Talk to a doctor.  I also have panic attacks.  Usually doctors will prescribe Xanex for something like that.  Be careful, they are very addictive.  I'm not a doctor, but don't just go to anyone.  Get opinions from medical doctors or therapists.  Too many doctors just prescribe. 

Sometimes just taking the garbage out is too much exposure to the outside world.
Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 24, 2010, 11:22:21 AM
Hi jackie and karen,

i will talk to my dr about an anti depressant--the strongest thing i have in the house is aleve--this week hasnt been getting any better it is getting worse--nothing is going right --i miss fred so much--this is just so unfair--this wasnt how our life was suppose to be--we had our lives planned out--i never stop crying anymore--i am still so lost and confused without him

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 24, 2010, 08:15:01 PM
Hi Penny
     I am having a terrible day myself, I understand and feel the same way, it wasen't supposed to be like this for us, we were supposed to get old together, and I was supposed to go first, that was the deal, he didn't keep his end of the bargain, I am so frustrated today.  I was so nervous at work and I have to control it in front of everyone, so I had tons of nervous energy and cleaned everything in sight, then went to yoga after work didn't get home until almost 9,  really am tired and not in a good mood tonight, mad at Johnny for leaving, just mad in general. I don't know anymore, what is going to happen?
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 25, 2010, 02:52:24 PM
Hi karen,

it was another rough day for again too--and not only was i swearing at my co-workers i actually yealled at them--thank goodness no one was in the store at the time--otherwise i would have lost my job right on the spot--which would not have been a good thing--i know anger is part of this grieving--but i am still an emotional roller coaster--plus i am still in shock and cant seem to get past it--i still am so lost and confused

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 25, 2010, 08:02:12 PM
Hi Penny
   This is all just to hard to deal with, I just don't know
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 27, 2010, 06:49:10 AM
i just dont know what to do anymore--i love and miss fred so much and so want to be with him--more decisions to make without him--this is just a never ending battle--i was going to go camping in july but when i went to go set up our camper a cable broke and it came crashing down and the crank shaft is also broken--with it being an older camper its hard to find replacemnt parts and the one company i found that has parts for it--its going to be a lot of money to fix it--fred and i have so many fun and happy memories with our camper i just dont know what do

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 27, 2010, 06:41:34 PM
HI Penny
   if you can get it fixed, I would, if it is something that you would want to do, you have to do it, even if it cost a lot, you have to follow your heart, and if that is where it is you have to go.
  Take care 
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 29, 2010, 12:29:11 PM
hi karen,

unfortantly no one around here can fix my camper--they say it is too old--i am not doing very well today--i love and miss fred so much i just want to be with him--it is so hard to come home to an empty house--i need to have an actual conversation with fred and i can't--i kept myself very busy yesterday--but today is a different story--i've been crying all day again today--everything is so complicated--and i just dont know what to do anymore--it's horrible being here without him

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on June 29, 2010, 07:01:04 PM
Hi Penny,
     I agree with you, it is horrible being here without them, yesterday I was so anxious,  I just keep running and trying to keep busy, but then you run out of things to do, and you have to sit and think, how much can we run.  I think I found a therapist close by, I hope that it works out, I need to talk to someone one on one. I can't stand it either, tonight I heard his voice on his phone, he had a video and he was talking, I felt like he was sitting next to me, so strange.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on June 29, 2010, 07:02:40 PM
Hi, Penny and Karen -

I know how hard it is to be home by yourself.  I lost my husband in January, and it still takes me a while  to get oriented when I come home from work.  I still think he is going to answer me when I call.
Learning to live a different life is not what we want, but it is all we can do.  
I want you to know that I am thinking of you both, and I hope tomorrow is a little better for you.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Elsie on June 30, 2010, 07:23:00 AM
I am so very very sorry for your loss. I to lost my husband on April 3rd while on a cruise.  He also had a massive cardio.  He had complained about heartburn for about 3 months prior (January). He was on pills for this. In February one night at bedtime he also said He couldn't catch his breath.  The Dr said to give the pills time to work.  I keep thinking things in my head as to WHAT DID I MISS TO HELP HIM.  It was MY JOB to look after him and now my JOB is gone ......forever.     
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 30, 2010, 03:42:10 PM
hello karen. lovedhim  and Elsie

today has not been any better than yesterday--everything is so complicated now--and anything and everything that can go wrong is--i hate my life now--it is so empty and lonely without fred here--i am still not able to cope and this pain in my heart hurts so bad

karen--i hope your therapist works out for you since mine did not--when i met with her for the last time yesterday she told me "there is nothing i can do for you" and i told her i was done and not coming back--and when she was constantly looking at her watch during our last few visits--she made me feel like a nusiance

lovedhim--i know the feeling of coming home from and expecting our loved ones to answer us--i know this may sound strange but when i come home i ask out loud his favorite saying when fred would come home from work which was hi honey i'm home how was your day--waiting for an answer that never comes--i miss everything about fred--and unfortantly its my voice on all the answering machines so i dont even get a chance to hear his voice on anything--i havent forgotten what his voice sounds like but it would be nice just hear it

Elsie

thank you--and i am sorry for your loss as well--my fred never complained about feeling ill just a few days before i lost him he wasnt eating normal--and i still cannot stop blaming myself for all the errors i made that day--and now my wonderful husband is gone

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Elsie on June 30, 2010, 06:48:26 PM
Hi Penny

Why is it our soulmates had to leave???  My cousin just called and is getting a separation from her husband of 21 years.  She said he s not her one true love. Jim is mine just like Fred is yours.  We  also did everything together. The kids always said we were two peas in a pod and always able to finish each other sentences and thoughts.  He was retired for the last 16 years and because Jim is Jim he told me to quit work and stay home with him.  Thats what a sweetheart he is.  I also live alone...the kids call and come over once a week but its still very lonely. Today I am trying to finalize the drawing for the headstone monument.  Boy is that ever hard but I keep telling myself its not for Jim its for us. The last thing I can do for US......after that its only what I can do for me...me alone..

Elsie     
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 01, 2010, 06:38:32 PM
Hi everyone,
     I have been running around was to much lately, I know it is on purpose, I just keep running and running, today I worked, went to the therapist today, I don't even know if I am going to go, what are they going to do for us anyway, they can't change anything.  I have to see, I am so tired tonight, I am going to try to get to sleep , thinking of you all,
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 01, 2010, 08:07:03 PM
Hi, all --

Each of you is a very sweet , loving person, and I am so sorry that you lost the love of your life.
I am also sorry that the therapists you talked to aren't much help.  I have friends that have allowed me to say over and over again that I am lost without my husband, and that I think I could have prevented his death.  I don't think I would have made it so far without them.  I have resisted support groups, therapists, medication because I know that, in the end, nothing can change what has happened.  It's not to say that those things aren't good, but I am trying my best to cope without them.  I spend as much time as I can at work and with my neighbors (friends).  My son is in the military, and I haven't heard from him in several days, as he is probably on assignment. Tomorrow I am going to drive five hours to spend the weekend with my sister and her family.  My neighbor is going to take care of my sweet cat, who is just as bewildered as I am that her main keeper is gone.
I think we all should be proud of ourselves for getting up each morning and walking around, much less doing errands, work and speaking to others.  I get angry and sad at the slightest things, but I know why, and I can't help my feelings.  Sometimes I don't sound quite bright, but at least I try to hold conversations.
I am thinking of you all as I go through each day.  I wish you some peace tonight.

Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 02, 2010, 08:04:47 AM
hi karen and lovedhim

i hope your day is going better than mine--it has been a very rough week--to many anniversary dates and the 4th right around the corner along with the 8th of 2 months of fred being gone--its all hitting me at once--this pain is all so unbearbale--and i am still lost and confused--this is so frustrating with fred not being here--and my mother-in-law wants me to make so many changes and i keep telling her its too soon for all these changes

karen i hope you had better luck with your therapist than i did--i hear you about running--i am constantly going but not really going anywhere--i still dont have any energy and my house needs cleaning and i just stare at it and figure why clean--no one is here for me to clean it for

loved him--its nice to hear that you have such a supportive family and friends for i do not have that--all i have is me and my dogs--my mother-in-law doesnt understand what i am going through even though fred was her son--she has her 2nd husband and his children to lean on for support--but it seems as though she really doesnt care that fred is gone--for the last 7 years she has spent every major holiday with her husbands kids and pushed her own children aside


penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 02, 2010, 07:38:19 PM
Hi Penny and lovedhim,
          I am pretty depressed tonight, just so sad, miss him so much, the 6th will be 3 months that johnny is gone, I just have a broken heart,  I went to the therapist office Tuesday, but only for a consutlation, I haven't met the therapist yet, they have to see what kind of problem I needed solved, so that they could refer me to the right therapist, I don't know if I am going to go, I know that they can't change anything that happened, I am just looking for answers that I know I am not going to get. but i am searching. I will see, maybe I will go for a few sessions, just to vent, I don't know, i will play it by ear.
loved him, i hope that you hear from your son real soon, that always makes your heart feel better, and it is good that you have a big support network, that helps, you have a lot of people to talk to, 
       Penny, don't make any changes that you don;t want to, it is so soon, I haven't touched anything that belongs to Johnny yet, and i don't intend to, not for a long time, that is up to you, don't let anyone force you into any changes unless you are ready.  People just don't understand,  they try to but they just don't get it.
Have a good night
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 02, 2010, 09:21:45 PM
Hi, all --

I made it to my sister's house after six hours of long lines of traffic.  I am exhausted but I know that I made the right decision to come here.
I agree that NO ONE should dictate what we do with our lives right now.  I think that some well-meaning people want to 'fix things' for us and then life will be just swell.   That isn't true.  So I own my situation, and I own the way I react to it.
I haven't cleaned my house in weeks, other than what is absolutely necessary.  I too say --What Does it Matter?  I am the only one here.  I have spent entire weekends just sitting in bed, reading and typing and listening to the tv.  Processing the fact that my husband is gone is so very hard, and I am not apologizing for anything to anyone.  I had 25 years of marriage to someone I loved very much, and who never can be replaced, and I don't care what people think of what I do now.
I do have a support system, and sometimes it feels that isn't enough, so if you don't have anyone to talk to, I am glad you are here.  What it comes down to is the quality of the support, even it it is just one person.  I have found that some people don't cope well with the discomfort of someone else's grief.  Well, too darn bad.  I am doing the best I can in a terrible nightmare, and all I can do is be myself.  Right now, I can't make someone more comfortable by pretending that I am going to take their suggestions about bettering my life and magically change into a happy, carefree person. 
Enough venting.  I care about each and every one of you, and I am thinking of you tonight.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 03, 2010, 04:30:48 AM
hi karen and loved him,

its another saturday--i really hate saturdays for today is 8 weeks that my wonderful fred is gone--8 weeks ago today i was laying in bed next to my husband--with my arms around him while he was snoring like always--and as the day goes on minute by minute i'll remember what all happened until that horrible moment when i lost him and then everything is a blur after that--i dont remember anything except them telling me that fred was gone--and now i am in this horrible nightmare that doesnt go away--it is so hard to be here without my wonderful fred

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 03, 2010, 07:48:23 PM
Penny --

I am so, so sorry that you lost your dear Fred.  I, too, HATE Saturdays. I know the loneliness and emptiness you are feeling, and I cannot tell you how sad I am for you.  Please take care of yourself. 
Thinking of you.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 04, 2010, 11:32:46 AM
hi lovedhim

thank you for kindness--but i really am hating this world--why do people have to be so cruel and say mean hurtful things--and then some people wonder why i don't want anything to do with people--i've tried to talk to people and i all i get is mean comments back--they dont know what kind of unique and loving relationship fred and i had--when i lost fred my world was turned upside down--part of me is gone--and i really want to be with fred so bad right nowi really dont know how much longer i can go on with out him

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on July 04, 2010, 01:46:10 PM
Hi Penny,

Yes, people can be VERY hurtful to us, especially when we are in such a fragile state.  People who have not had to endure what we are going through can be very insensitive and cruel because they have no idea of what this is like.  My "so-called friend" told me yesterday that I was a stick in the mud because I did not want to go to a concert and fireworks last night with a group of people.  I am trying to not let it bother me, but it does.

Holidays and weekends are a hard time for those of us who have been left alone.  I miss my Charlie so much this weekend--thinking back about how much fun we had last 4th of July at a friend's barbecue. 

I know how you feel, but we have been left here to deal with this, and we don't have a choice.  A lady I spoke with today at the pool says she believes that everything happens for a reason--I just knew what that reason is.

It is a little over 4 months since I lost my Charlie, and I wish I could say that I felt better.  I do well when I am around others, but when I am alone, I am very sad, lonely, and depressed.  I grow weary of this feeling and know that it will be around for a long time to come.

I hope you find some peace in your life today and every day. 

May God bless and take care of you,
Jannie

Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 04, 2010, 05:18:57 PM
hi penny, lovedhim and jannie,
       i have been home all day watching videos of us and the kids, because I want to have them all put on a disk, along with a lot of slides, so today was really very depressing for me,  it felt like he was right besides me talking and moving, this is a horror.  just like a bad nightmare that you can't wake up from.  I have only been out to let the dogs go do their thing, very hot out, but I hate staying home alone all day, we were never home always going somewhere. even for coffee, or a ride. My son and daughter in law and the kids were here yesterday, which was nice, but today is another day, I just don;t know what is going to happen, I don't know if I can make it without him, i am trying but i don't know if i can do it.
sorry to be so depressing, but i feel yucky today
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 05, 2010, 05:42:42 PM
hello all,

today has been another blur--even though i kept busy most of the day i really dont remember what i did--i wish someone would wake me up from this horrible nightmare and my darling fred would still be here--i miss him so much and coming home to an empty house is unbearable--even my dogs still look for fred and sometimes i have to wonder if they think why hasnt dad come yet

jannie i too wish i knew what the reason is as to why we are still here without our loved ones--this is just so unfair that we are here without them--the people that were so cruel to me yesterday wanted to know why i wasnt the perky person i use to be when they came into the store and i told them that i was a very sad person due to the loss of fred and then they asked if we had any children and i told them no--because i really didnt want to tell them about zachary--and there comment to me was "thank god you didnt have any children."  how dare they say something like to me and they made a few other comments that weren't very nice either all i knew is that it sent me into tears

karen--i still am depressed also and i believe that i will be for a long time to come--i am suppose to go camping this weekend but i am having second thoughts about it--i'm concerned about bringing everybody down--and all the people that are going to be at the campground--i never had panic attacks before but now i get them all the time whenever i am around a lot of people--i hope your discs turn out for you and glad to hear that your children came and visited you on saturday

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 07, 2010, 01:16:14 AM
hello all

its another day to struggle through and not looking forward to it--tomorrow will be 2 months that fred is gone--and that too will be another rough day--however every day has been rough since he is gone--i miss him so much--and it is so hard to be here without him--i still cry everyday--this is just so unfair

karen how did your appointment go last night?

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 07, 2010, 08:38:21 PM
Hi Penny
    It was wonderful, I have such peace in my heart, I know for sure that he is somewhere and happy and feeling good, and will always be our guardian angel.  He said things that he could never ever have known,  ever,  it was just amazing, we have it taped on everything, computers, cd's everywhere, everytime I listen to it, i hear something else that i missed, and it is so bizarre but he got everything right, he stood with us 75 minutes instead of 50 or 60 which is the norm. I am so happy that I went, my sons thought it was a joke at first they were giggling like little kids before we went in then they changed their tune.  I wish I was friendly with him and I would love to just sit with him over a cup of coffee and just pick his brain, amazing.
   Well I am pretty tired tonight, between yesterday and working all day today, I am wiped out.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 08, 2010, 11:14:01 AM
karen

im glad you were able to get the information you needed and im glad that you know johnny is your guardian angel--i just wih i could know if fred was mine and that he still loves me--for i stall am not doing well with all of this--i am finding it harder just to get through another day without him--i really hate being here without him and want to be with him so bad--and i still cant stop blaming myself for everything i did wrong that day

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 08, 2010, 07:47:04 PM
Hi Penny
     I remember reading that guilt is part of the grief process, it is just one of the feelings that we have to work through, it is a terrible feeling, but you will start to realize it was not your fault and you couldn't really do anything to change what happened, even if you would have done things differently, if it was time something else would have happened,
    This grief is not easy, there are different steps and emotions that we have to go through before we will hopefully be able to get a handle on it.
     Be kind to yourself, and try to not blame yourself, we will get stronger, as much as we miss them.
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 08, 2010, 08:56:28 PM
Penny --
My heart is breaking as I read your posts.  I am so very sorry that your days are so bad -- I know how you feel, and I wish there was something I could say to help give you some peace.  I know you miss your husband, and I don't know any better way to get through the days than minute by minute. 

Karen --
It is wonderful that the your session went so well.  I don't know if I could have the courage to try what you did.  I applaud you and your family.

Jannie --
Yes, people can say cruel and strange things.  One of the strangest I have heard  -- "God doesn't give us more than we can bear".  To that I say -- humbug.

Elsie -- I am thinking of you tonight.  I hope you can get some rest.

I had a melancholy day today.  I have been in two days of business meetings.  I came away each day with loads of things I wanted to share with my husband, but all I could do was talk to my cat.  I feel anger, sadness, guilt, and am overwhelmed by what I am going to do with the house and things that I don't really need.  So I guess this place will stay the same until I can deal with some hard decisions.

I am wishing some peace for each of us.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 09, 2010, 08:40:30 AM
hello everyone

i am going to be gone for a few days and i am hoping i can make it through this weekend--i really am questioning as to whether or not i should go but i said i would--this is the first time i am leaving the house for overnight and i'm very nervous about this--i am so used to being with fred whenever we went somewhere over night--i'm taking some of his pictures with me--and hopefully this will help get through the weekend

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 11, 2010, 08:23:39 PM
hello all,

i am back and i was so miserable the entire time--i was the only one there without my spouse--and it just wasn't right for me to be there--i miss fred even more now that i was with these couples--i really dont want to be here any more without my wonderful husband

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Elsie on July 12, 2010, 01:44:06 PM
Hi Penny

Sorry your having such a tough time.  Me too.  It was my 31st anniversary on the 7th and I have not stopped crying for a week.  I want so badly for things to be like they were before.  I am trying to put a special photo album together for myself of Jim and I but its so hard I see all the pictures and all the memories and it makes it even harder.  Life is not fair at all.

Could you do me a favour and check my profile and let me know if you can see my EMAIL address. 
Thanks. 

Elsie     
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 12, 2010, 01:54:26 PM
hi elsie

no one cannot see your email--it is hidden--and yes life is so unfair--i havent stopped crying since may 8th--when my life changed unexpectedly forever--i miss fred so much--i miss him more and more every day--and it is so hard to be here without him--and nothing seems to be helping me at all--i am just getting worse instead of better--i am at a point as to where i just want to shut myself off from this happy world--as to where some of us are just so miserable with out our loved ones with us

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 12, 2010, 08:54:04 PM
Hi Penny
Sorry you had such a miserable time when you were away, I know that it is so hard to go anywhere without them, we think that we can do it then we get there and just want to run home, I know I have been in the same position.
Just like you heard a million times before, one minute at a time, and it is the truth, you can't do anything else, we don't have much of a choice.  I pray that you find some strength each day, try to keep busy that is what i do, i try to keep myself busy doing whatever, work, gardening, anything to keep my mind going. It is very hard for us.
God Bless
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Elsie on July 13, 2010, 02:50:29 PM
Penny

I just got a heartfelt email from my oldest son and can not stop crying. He is is so worried about me and I just dont want to burden him....its so hard to talk to someone face to face about your feelings...Jim was my best friend and only he knew my feelings about everything.....I was at my son s on Sunday enjoying the pool with my granddaughter playing.  I was fine all day.  Then I came home and  my heart just dropped Jim should have been there enjoying the day with us...I would trade places with Jim in a heartbeat but the only problem is that he would be going through the pain and I would not wish it on anyone....I know what you mean about hiding in the house I find someday's  I just dont even go outside...I was told by the grief group that I went to that life is just different now ...I dont like different I want it the way it use to be...I hope you have  a better day tomorrow

Elsie       
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 13, 2010, 03:25:13 PM
hello elsie and karen,

today has been just as miserable as every other day since may 8th--i really dont understand why i am still here with out my wonderful husband--i'm tired of people telling me "it is time to move on" and i need to "accept this"  this is coming from my co-workers and customers they dont know how i feel and how i have to bear with this pain and the hole in my heart on a daily basis--i went to the doctor today and he took me off the insulin for i still cannot really eat anything--i talked to him about an anti-depressant but he did recommend for me to start taking any at this time--he wanted to wait for s couple months yet to see how my progress is--i too just want things to be the way the use to be i dont like change--especially a major change like this one--my family wants me to move across state--but my life is here not over there--i am not ready for another change in my life--i miss fred so much and i miss him even more on a daily basis--i try to keep busy but my energy runs out so fast i can't even complete a simple task--if only there was some kind of magic potion to bring our loved ones back i know i would be the first to be using it

take care
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 13, 2010, 09:48:49 PM
Hi Penny
        Why did he take you off your insulin?, did you lose a lot of weight?, did he give you pills to take instead?, you can't fool around with diabetes, it is very dangerous.  Are you eating sweets and carbs?   I know that I had to eat just to eat, I didn't want to for a while but I did force myself because i was fading away, even if you aren't hungry you should have a few small meals or snacks a day and at least try to eat supper. 
        I hope that you are o k, penny, this is a torture that we are going through, for some unknown reason. We have to try to get through each day. one at a time.
Take care
god bless
karen
         
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 14, 2010, 12:59:17 PM
hi karen,

dr. took me off of insulin--because my sugar counts are stable at the moment--yes i have lost about 25 pounds within the last 2 months--no pills at this time--i can only eat very little--i am lucky if i can get a half of sandwich in me in a day--if i try to force myself to eat--i'll just throw it up anyways--no i am not ok--and yes this is torture--i miss fred so much more and more every day--and being around such happy couples this past weekend has made me more miserable than i was before--i felt so out of place-- every morning when i crawl out of bed i wonder as to why i am still here--and not with my wonderful husband--its been 2 months since i've been able to smile or even laugh at anything--i still cry all the time--the tears never stop--i literally hate being here without fred and i hate being alone--it is so hard for me to do anything--fred was my strength--my world--my everything--and now i have nothing--nothing at all

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: poppy on July 14, 2010, 02:12:08 PM
Penny,

I am so sorry to hear the suffering in your post. I too seem to have things getting worse rather than better. It has been 3 months since Greg died and I cry more and more. I think at this point I have too much time on my hands. I am not currently working because it is summer vacation. I don't want to do anything and have to force myself to go out at all. I make myself though because I know that Greg wouldn't want me holed up, sad and lost. I make myself go to the gym, out to lunch and dinner and babysit my grandkids and friends children. It is a struggle but I really feel like God knows more than I can imagine and I have to trust that there is a reason for my being here. What would Fred want you to be doing? What could you do to keep busy?

You are in my prayers, Poppy
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 14, 2010, 07:16:50 PM
Hi Penny
    I am happy to hear that your sugar is stable, that is good,  and I do understand how much pain you are in, I am living with a broken heart, also hoping that i don't wake up in the morning, but that is not up to me,  I try to get through every day, I take the day as it comes and try to do what I have to, to make it pass.  This is not an easy road for us, it is really horrible, I also depended on Johnny for everything, and he was my purpose in life.  My life has changed 180 percent, but I can't control what happened even if i don't understand and i am very angry about it.
I hope that you can find some peace,
God Bless
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 14, 2010, 09:20:29 PM
Hi, Penny -

I echo Poppy and Karen -- I miss my husband, and I am angry that he isn't here with me.
I am staying very, very busy to keep my mind off things at home.
I am hoping tomorrow is a  little better for you.  Never mind what people say about how you should be feeling now. 
You will find your way.
I am thinking of you.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Elsie on July 15, 2010, 09:03:11 AM
Penny

Im so sorry that you are having such a rough time...my heart is breaking for you...Im sending you a big bear hug ((((((Penny))))) ....I know what you mean about missing Fred because I miss Jim too I miss his smile....his laughter.....holding hands...and especially our good morning kiss.....I managed to get past the anniversary now I have to look forward to his birthday in August.....there are sooooooo many first to deal with and its very very draining on our bodies.....can you do me a favour and tell me ONE wonderful memory you have of Fred......you are NOT ALONE there are alot of us who care on this site and I am one of them....thank you for your thoughts the other night now you are in my thoughts....
Elsie 
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 15, 2010, 11:54:26 AM
hello everyone,

thank you all so much for your kind  and caring words--if it wasnt for the people on this site i would have no one to talk too--since my dogs cant talk back to me--for me this is just another day to struggle through--so many obstacles to face alone--if i am not fighting with one thing its another

elsie--thank you for the big bear hug--i have so many wonderful memories of fred--i wouldnt know where to begin--but i think one of my favorites is that fred would always tease me that i didnt know my left from my right--and this had been going on since our wedding day--on our rehearsal night the pastor made the mistake of telling us--that the groom in the wedding before us was so nervous the week before he put the ring in his brides right hand instead of her left--when it was time for fred and i to exchange rings--i had to think as to which hand was my left so i would put up the correct one--when it was my turn to put freds ring on his finger--he put up his left hand and i tapped it down and said it was the wrong one--and had him put up his right hand--i didnt realize it until i seen him--take it off of his right hand and put it on his left hand--and to this day i have to look at my rings to know which is my left

lovedhim--today is no better than yesterday--this is horrible being here without fred--the only thing that i have to keep me busy is my job and there are just some days i just want to walk off it--since we have such a high customer base--sometimes i have to wait on them and some people can just say cruel things to me--they dont know how i feel--since they still have their spouse to go home to

karen--yes this is an awful road to travel without our loved ones--i just wish i knew why i was here also--since i was suppose to be the one to go first--not fred--we had our lives planned out  until we reached the age of 65 --i still cant stop blaming myself for all the mistakes i made that day

poppy--there really isnt anything i can really do to keep myself busy--for i live in a really small dinky town that offers absolutley nothing--the closet biggest city to me is about an hour or so away--i still cant deal with people well--normally if there is more than 10 people around me i start to panic and need to get away and get air--just even going to the store to get some dog food and their treats is really bad for me--i dont do any shopping for myself at all--just for my dogs--and there really isnt any reason for me to clean house since no one comes over here anyways

take care everyone
penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on July 15, 2010, 05:33:24 PM
Dear Penny,
I'm sorry to hear your pain.  I spend so much of the day trying to mask my pain from myself that when I read my own thoughts from other people experiencing this pain that I can totally identify.  Why?  Why any of us?  Why give us so much happiness only to take it away?  I'm still unable to really grasp the fact that this is forever.  I went to this seminar where they talked about choice.  That we can choose how we react to the things we can not control.  I try to tell myself that all the time.  I try to choose to live all the time.  Yet, I miss him terribly and I still have to fight the desire to give up.  It just doesn't feel like the life I chose, and it never will.
Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: lovedhim on July 15, 2010, 10:07:13 PM
Hi, everyone --

I am up late, need to get to sleep because I am waking at 3am to get ready to go to the airport. Going to see my son -- God, I miss him and am so glad I am going to visit him.
I am thinking of you all.
Choosing to live this life is the only choice I have --wishing that we all can get through this. One time I started a thread 'thankful to have found this place'.
I really mean it.  I care about each and every one of you, and I know you care about me.    Thank you.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 16, 2010, 10:55:37 AM
hello everyone,

today is just another struggle for me--i did not choose for this to happen nor did any of us for that matter----i am sure we would all like to have our spouses back i knew i do--i keep thinking that fred will be at home waiting for me when i get home and lo and dismay he is not here--i honestly dont know how much more i can go on without him--it is so lonely here without him--and i dont know any body in this little rinky dinky town i live in----this is just hard to be here without fred--i just miss him so much--and i just want to be with him

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 16, 2010, 07:05:17 PM
Hi everyone,
     I feel for you penny, my heart actually hurts tonight, maybe i will get lucky, My son sent me some photos yesterday, and I have photos of johnny all over in collages, but there was one particular photo that my son sent, I feel like he is right next to me and looking me in the eyes, this photo really got to me, it struck some nerve and I haven't been right since, I couldn't control my crying at work yesterday, which i never want to do, and was feeling really lousy all night and all day today, I am so lonely for him, I know what you are saying penny, it feels like it is going to  be impossible to do this,  I don't have any answers as I am caught up in this mess myself,  all I want is our life back, which I know we are not going to get, I keep trying and trying, but for what???
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 17, 2010, 03:44:56 PM
karen

it was nice of your son to send you some pictures of johnny and i hope that they will bring you some peace of mind--its also nice that you can feel johnny's presence near you--i only wish i could feel freds

today is 10 weeks that fred and i have been separted--it has been another bad for me--i cried all day long so far--my whole body has been shaking and its alomst 90 degrees out--i constantly look at freds pictures and i cry harder--i still dont understand why i am still here without my preciuos husband--or as to why i am not with him--since i have no purpose in this life anymore

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 17, 2010, 06:10:52 PM
Hi Penny
    I didn't go out myself all day today, that is not a good thing, Just sitting around doing nothing, thinking and thinking, I miss him more now since I reached 3 months, like I said I think the shock has worn off now.

God Help us
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 18, 2010, 09:19:02 AM
hi karen,

i mangaged to go to church today and the cemetary--but i still am not getting any better--as each and every day passes--i am getting worse--i miss fred so much--and i still wonder why i am here without him--this pain i bare on a daily basis is just torture--i have been crying all day again--i really dont kow how much more i can take

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 18, 2010, 03:35:26 PM
Hi  Penny
       Fred would want you to be strong,  we don't have a choice, we are left here to cope.  We miss them terribly, and that will never ever go away, but someday we will be with them again.
       And I believe that they are here with us even though we can't see them, ask Fred and God to help you, they will.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 19, 2010, 09:52:45 AM
karen,

i have tried to be strong but this pain is so intense on daily basis--i have asked for fred and god to help me through this but they havent answered my prayers--i would love to be able to feel fred but i never do--it is just lonely being here without him--since i dont have anyone to come home too--i just love and miss fred so much

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 19, 2010, 07:33:55 PM
Penny,
    I hear your pain, I feel for you and all of us, this is what we get for loving, it just isn't fair, so if you never love anyone you don't have to go through this,
     Well I wouldn't have given up 1 minute of my life with Johnny, I also loved him so much it isn't funny, I am truly lost without him,  I am trying so hard to be somewhat strong.  I think of him every minute of every day. I will never ever get used to the idea that he is gone forever.  I hope for the day that we are together again.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 20, 2010, 11:08:50 AM
hi karen--i will be gone for a couple of days--another funeral to attend which i dont know how i am going to get through it
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 20, 2010, 07:41:59 PM
So sorry, what happened now? this is unbelieveable, I hope that you are OK, please let us know when you are home
Hugs Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on July 21, 2010, 04:08:31 PM
Penny,
I'm having similar experiences.  I don't feel Joe anymore.  The first month I felt him all the time.  I feel so alone without him.  The only time I really feel him anymore is when I play what was to be our wedding song.  We used to dance around the apartment to Neil Young "Harvest Moon."  When I play it I feel him dancing with me, but I also cry.   I still can't believe I finally found my perfect partner and he was taken away from me. 

Three months was nerely impossible, four isn't that much better, but I'm trying my best.  I guess that is all we can do.  I try to think I have to carry on for him even if I don't want to for myself.  I wish I had something profound to say to make it all better.

I hope you get through this newest sorrow.  My thoughts are with you.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 22, 2010, 08:18:14 AM
Hi Karen and Jackie,

this world just sucks--on top of being so lonely and miserable from losing fred on a daily basis--i got a call telling me that a former sister-law was killed in a car accident--made my way across state to go her funeral--with several unwanted obstacles along the way such as having the fire dept. called at a gas station and having a ride in the back of a police car--there was an object in the road and it made a hole in my gas tank--then ended up sitting at auto repair shop for 5.5 hours--made the mistakeof going where i had lost my husband--and it just sent me backwards again--never made it to the actual funeral--but waited outside for people to come out--and then to find out that the sister-in-laws mother just passed after her funeral--and then to find out that my sister was taking to the ER also that day--they said it was kidney stones and sent her home

i should have never of went--i am so miserable now--i just want my life to end--for i really feel as though no one really cares what happens to me anyways--and for some reason if anything would ever happen to me--no one would even know for days

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: poppy on July 22, 2010, 05:20:26 PM
Penny, It does seem like we are getting hit from all sides sometimes.
It always helps me when I am able to be there for someone else. That is what you were doing by going to the funeral. I hope you find some peace in the selfless act you did by supporting your family.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 22, 2010, 07:30:52 PM
Hi Penny
  OMG, what is going on?, that is just crazy, talk about everything at once, I am so sorry that you had so much trouble, I just don't understand why we have to endure all this pain and suffering,  My heart goes out to you and your family,
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on July 22, 2010, 08:17:26 PM
Penny,

I'm so sorry.  When Joe was in the hospital my uncle had a heart attack.  I remember that feeling like the worst has already happened, but can't we all get a break. 

We are here.  We would know you were missing.  The same way we know Leo is missing.

My thoughts, for whatever they are worth, are with you.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 24, 2010, 09:15:27 PM
karen and jackie,

this has been another week from he_ _--on top of all this pain from losing fred so unexpectly--nothing ever seems to go right for me at all--from the insurance companies--to VA office and everything else in between--and to top it all off it is another saturday--it is so miserable being here with out fred--i love and miss him so much--it seems that all i do now is cry and cry and cry--and even though my family lives quite a distance away--i have one sister that now isnt speaking to me at all because she didnt want to hear the truth about fred's funeral not being about her--for she sat in front of the funeral home--acting as though fred was her husband and not once did she ever come to my side to give me any support--while i stood there alone

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on July 25, 2010, 10:30:50 AM
Penny,
I don't know if things will ever feel "right" again.  I feel like every aspect of this is flat out wrong.  Almost like for every step I take there is another obstacle and sometimes a landmine waiting to happen.
Navigating our way through family is difficult to say the least.  Everything I read suggests keeping communication, but at the same time keeping negativity away.  I'm blessed to have a large extended family that I'm close to and I've even managed to repair a lot of my relationship with my dad.  He's been really wonderful through this.  I'm trying very hard to maintain a relationship with Joe's family as they are all I have left.
I hope your sister is able to understand your feelings and better respond to your needs.  Sometimes when I tell my family how I feel and what I need from a place of vulnerablity they are better able to respond.  May things get easier for all of us.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 25, 2010, 04:21:51 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
    I know that family can sometimes be not so understanding, I hope that you and your sister can come to a good place and understanding.
  Jackie you are lucky to have a large family that is understanding, I have my 2 sons, they have been really good through this whole disaster, but they are busy with their families and kind of drifted away over the last month, it is not their fault it is perfectly normal, but i am so alone, i feel terrible, I miss johnny so much, there are no words to express.
   I met some friends today in SI, went to the tibetan museum, and then to a nice restaurant, guess what mine and Johnny's song comes on, I almost fainted, I can't believe it, it is an old song what are the chances. it made me feel so depressed. I don;t understand.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 26, 2010, 12:16:46 PM
Hi Karen and Jackie,

karen it is so nice that you able to go out and be with freinds--but it is so hard for me to get out--i still have panic attacks and they dont seem to go away

jackie--my family and i arent really close and you would think with me losing fred that we would have become closer but we didnt--the sister i am having trouble with has bi-polar and if things arent about her--she wants to make people more miserable than what they already are--she is the one who always has to be the center of attention--but such is life

i just dont understand this world anymore--we are given love and then boom just like that it is taking away from us--how are we suppose to cope with this--for i know i am not coping very well at all--i miss fred so much and it is so hard to be here without him--why do we have to endure this lonlely life without our loved ones by our sides where they are suppose to be--i just dont understand this at all

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 27, 2010, 07:54:35 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
       Penny, I was to the counselor today for the second visit, she stresses how important it is to have a network, and to not stay home alone, it is so bad for us to do that, she told me to push myself, because i told her that I never really wanted to go, i always forced myself, and she said that we should force ourselves.  All I know is when I got home today I had the strength and energy of superwoman, I went down the basement and really attacked it and threw tons of stuff out, heavy stuff, I didn't even feel it, I think it has something to do with my emotions.
      Jackie, How are you?. We will never feel the same again, we are different people now, half of what we were, I hate it, and would love to join johnny, but what do we do?, I just don't know.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 28, 2010, 07:03:19 PM
hi karen,

i just dont have to strength right now to force myself to do anything--just going to work take sup to much energy on my behalf--i have been going for a drive at night just to get out of the house for a little while--but it doesnt help--for i come home to an empty house--to a lonely--empty home--i dont belong in this world anymore--thats why i just dont understand as to why i am still here--yes its been another bad again--nothing can ever go right--i cant even make it 4 hours without something else going wrong in my life

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 29, 2010, 09:25:00 AM
its another bad bad bad day--i love and miss fred so much--i just want to be with him--i really dont want to be here anymore--this is toture being here with out him--this life really stinks with out him--i honestly and truley dont know how much longer i can go on without fred since he was my world--my strength--my everything--and some people just dont understand what i am going through--especially with fred leaving me so unexpectly--we were suppose to come home together not apart--i just dont belong in this world anymore
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 29, 2010, 07:55:09 PM
Hi Penny
    I know how much it hurts, I can't even breath at times, I also depended on my husband for so many things, we were always together, didn't have many friends. it was just us, we loved each other more than anything, so believe me I know, it does feel like I can't go on always, but I try to push myself into things, or I will just give up, and I know that Johnny would not want me to give up.  We will be together again, but we have to wait until it is time. Fred is with you all the time, don't you feel him, do you see signs from him, I know that you want to see him, feel him, touch him, but right now we can't,  but know that someday we will be with them again, our love will last forever, it will never change. I hope you can find some strength, and peace, ask Fred to help you and he will.
Take care
hugs
Karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 30, 2010, 03:07:03 PM
hi karen,

i ask fred to help me all the time--i ask for signs when ever i am out driving i have been going for a ride at night just to get out of the house for a little while and once in a while i will see what i have asked for but i haven't seen anything for long time now--i love fred with all of my heart and then some--it is just so hard to be here with out him--seeing all these happy couples when i am at work--doesnt help--for i once had that and now i dont--i wish i could feel fred --i know he loves me and is waiting for me --but how much longer do we have to wait??--i just feel as though no cares--and i have no purpose in this life anymore--it is so hard to hear my co-workers--talk about their "husbands "!!!--and their families--when what do i have?? nothing--no friends and no close family--sure i have my dogs but they cant hold me or listen to me nor can they talk back to me when i am having a very bad day which is every day 24 hours a day--it is so hard to come home and no one is here--this empty lonely feeling that i have inside of me on a daily basis since fred was my life--he was my reason for living and now i have nothing

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on July 30, 2010, 06:48:07 PM
Hi Karen and Penny,

It's been a rough few days for me.  I went to court for the criminal case against the (can't find the right words) man who did this to us.  I'm always a disaster after.  I wound up going by myself again.  Talk about feeling lonely.  Joe's mom was supposed to come with me, but seemed to have mixed up the days.  I had already told my family not to bother coming because my mother in law would be there.  I just feel like they aren't standing up for Joe.

Karen- the  silence bothers me.  I still talk to him when I'm alone, but I hate the silence back.  Joe always ha.d something to say.  I hate that this has become life. I feel alone too.  Even though Joe doesn't answer I keep asking. . .maybe one day.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on July 30, 2010, 07:17:30 PM
Jackie,

sorry to hear that your mother-in-law didnt make it to court--it had to be very hard for you--and i feel your pain--i talk to fred all the time but he doesnt answer me either--i still dont understand as to why we have to be here with out our loved ones--especially when we were so happy with them--and now having to face this day after day with the the great big hole in our hearts--with such sadness and pain

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on July 30, 2010, 09:28:20 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
     So sorry that you had to go to court yourself, that must have been so terrible, and to look at that s o b, that did this it must break your heart, How many times will you have to go to court before they put this guy in jail??
 It will probably take you a few days to recouperate from the aggravation, I know it would be like that for me.  Take care of yourself as this is so stressful for you, i am sure.    I am off now until Wed. what to do?????, now the days get long, looking for something to do, can't just sit home, get to depressed. This is so terrible, I miss him so much, I think I will have a heart attack or something, to much stress for any person to handle, without it doing something to them.  So sorry that we have to be in so much pain, with no end to it.  It really is not fair, why does these things happen to people who love and are happy with their spouses, and then there are people that would be happy for their spouses to pass and they live forever. I just don't get it.

Have a good day, take care
hugs
karen
     
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 01, 2010, 02:04:09 PM
another saturday has come and gone this will mark 12 of them--it is so lonely here with out  fred--no one to turn to when i need comforting--or a compassionate ear--this is so hard--i love fred with all my heart and then some--this is such torture being here with out him--i dont understand as to why some people would make jokes about someone so dearly to you and then laugh about it right in front of your face--don't these people realize how much this hurts someone even more--when i am having such a hard time dealing with this--plus now i have people stereo typing me at my job--i just wish people could understand this pain and torture i have to face alone on a daily basis--fred was my life he is all i had and i am all he had--and now to find out that someone stole some things from my home while i was gone over the past 24 hours--i always told fred that if it wasnt for bad luck we would have no luck at all--and ever since i have lost my wonderful husband--i am not having any kind of luck just one torment after another

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: querencia on August 01, 2010, 07:48:53 PM
To Too Young: If it's any help, shock and disbelief seem to go with the territory. No death could have been more expected than my husband's (two weeks ago)---he had end-stage congestive heart failure and metastatic cancer and he was 85 years old---but my reaction to his death has been astonishment.  How can a person just disappear?
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on August 01, 2010, 10:52:04 PM
Hi
I am so sorry for your loss, that is it they just disappear, how??????? hard to understand, hard to accept, hard to live after we lose them, life is so different, and so many adjustments, like everyone says all the time, one day at a time, or one minute at a time, whatever you need to do to get through each day. I lost my husband on April 6, he was 60, and it was sudden and unexpected, so I was really shocked. very very hard to go on.
God Bless
wish you peace
karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 02, 2010, 07:04:51 AM
hi karen and querencia

yes we do suffer from shock, and disbelief--for i am still struggling with on a daily basis--i am still waiting for fred to come home and he doesnt--i still cry everyday and for me as each and every day passes it gets harder and harder for me to deal with this--i love and miss fred so much--my heart just aches all the time

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on August 02, 2010, 09:17:42 PM
Hi penny,
    having a real bad day today, my sons, my daughter in laws, and my grandkids came to visit on Sat and Sun, so i was very busy on the weekend and my mind was occupied, today i crashed.  When i first got up I was o k, as the day went on I got worse and worse, and tonight I am in a state, I just miss him so much, we are approaching 4 months August 6, I just want him to come back, tonight i just want to run and run and run, and never ever stop.
take care
karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 03, 2010, 10:55:40 AM
hi karen,

i hear what you are saying it is very hard to have someone come over and then pack up to leave again--i really dont have that problem since no one has spent the night here since freds funeral--if any family member comes up this way they will either stay in a hotel or by my mother-in-law--or even if someone just would stop for a few minutes and then leave and then we to realize that we are all alone again--it is so hard to crawl into bed at night when no one is beside you--or able to comfort you when the nightmares come--i also miss fred so much and it is still a stuggle to be here with out him--so many more things have gone wrong with my life since i lost fred--and i really dont know as to how much more i can take--i will definately be thinking of you on the 6th for my 3 month is coming on the 8th--i just wish we could understand as to why wehave to be without our loveds one--when we have such a happy life together and just to have it taken away from us

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: closs86 on August 03, 2010, 08:45:46 PM
Hi Penny,
  I wish I knew the answers, I guess we will find out when it is our time,  I went to the therapist today, It was a tough session, but I think I feel a little better tonight.  I don't even know anymore, better for a little while, only to crash again, this is a terrible and hard road for us.
Well I better get to bed, work tomorrow
good night
karen
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 05, 2010, 07:31:55 AM
hi karen,

its another bad bad bad day--i have been crying all morning again--this is just so hard to be here without fred--i just wish i could feel his presence and know that he is with me--i love and miss him so much--it is so lonely here with out him--everytime i have to do something he did for a chore like taking the garbage out after i collected it all--he would take it out--or do laundry we did it together--i know we will never get the answers we need but it sure would be helpful--it is so hard seeing other couples together and that they are able to enjoy their life when we are so miserable--this pain is so unbearable

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 09, 2010, 11:28:40 AM
its been 3 months since my wonderful husband has been gone--it is not getting any easier--it just keeps getting harder and harder to be here with out him--nothing can ever go right--i am still an emotional roller coaster--i have tried going places and i am so much worse when i come home--i cant stand this loneliness and emptiness--my heart is just shattered in a million pieces--so many things i did wrong that day--i should have known better--i am to young to be here with out fred--for he was so full of life--i still dont eat and next to nothing for sleep--i have not any sleep for the last 3 nights--and with my son also dying 2 hours after his birth--even though it was 22 years ago--has also been a massive toll on me--i have no purpose in this life anymore--i no longer fit in this world anymore--i just dont understand this at all--the 2 men i would ever love are gone--my husband and my son--so why have i been left here??
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: querencia on August 11, 2010, 10:39:41 PM
To Too Young: I can't even imagine how you go about accepting a loss as sudden as yours. I can tell you that my husband died at age 85 after two decades of heart failure, 18 months of cancer, and 5 months on  Hospice, and my first reaction when I realized he had died was: surprise. I was absolutely astonished---how can a person just disappear?  How could he still be lying there propped up on that same pillow and  yet have gone to a place where I can't reach him? And no death could have been more expected than his. I haven't even accepted that he's gone for good---I keep thinking he's on a long business trip and that if I can just hold this difficult situation together for a while longer, pretty soon he'll be home and together we can set life back to rights.  It must be that our minds protect us by letting the truth in a little at a time.  And all of this must surely be multiplied many times over when the loss really IS sudden, as yours was. Take care of yourself. Like the kids used to say in the sixties, if it feels good, do it.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 12, 2010, 11:06:04 AM
hello querencia,

i havent been able to accept the fact that i lost my wonderful husband so suddenly and unexpected--every day is just torture for me--i still havent stopped blaming myself for everything i did wrong that day--for i still believe if i did hte right things right away he would still be here--it is so hard to be here with out him for i am all alone now in this world--my heart just sinks more and more every day--and to find out he had cancer after the fact he was gone and never had a chance to even try to fight it--no i wouldnt of wanted him to suffer but i also feel as though if we fought it together we would have beaten his cancer--i will never know as to what type of cancer he had nor will i ever know what stage it was in since i was not given the oppurtunity to have an autopsy done--and now i am left here to suffer in this world with out fred--i have my dogs but they cant hold me, or listen to me when i am having a very bad day which is every day--its not getting any easier--it just keeps getting harder and harder--i miss everything about fred from his receding hair line to his toes--fred was my world --my reason for living and what do i have now--nothing but our dogs--my tears never stop--and it doesnt help with letting someone take the harley to have tires put on it today and they didnt show any respect for the harley for when i came home i found some items that were left on/in the bike just thrown on the ground--i miss being able to see the harley when i come home for it has so many fond memories on it--but to disresect some else's property didnt help--i am hoping it gets back here soon cuz i am just going nuts with out it being here
--and if there is such a thing as miracles then why cant the one that i need the most be performed??

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 14, 2010, 11:32:05 AM
this is the 14th saturday that i have lost my wonderful husband for some unknown reason--that i just don't understand and never will--fred was so healthy--never showed any signs or ever said he felt sick--he always told me he felt fine just he wasnt hungry the few days before i lost him--i was not ready for this to happen at all--my heart continues to ache all the time--i just cant deal with being here with out him--we did evertything together and now all i can do is get myself to go to work which is an excuriating chore while i am there--and go fror a drive at night just to get out of the house for awhile--our harley is back now after it went in to get some tires and it took 2 days for it to come back--i was going insane with out it being here--and now where my husband is sleeping the area has been flooded and they closed the road to his resting place and i cant go visit him until the water recedes--i am hoping this happens very soon

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 14, 2010, 07:26:56 PM
i just cant get  a break on anything with this stupid life anymore came home from a ride and now the majority of my fish in the tank are gone now too and naturally they are the fish fred picked out for the tank--all that is left are the angel fish--what else can go wrong??
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 16, 2010, 09:39:07 AM
i want my life back--my happy life that i had with fred--this is not getting an easier--it just keeps keeping harder and harder--its terrible being alone all the time at least with fred i had a life and something to look forward too--i dont anymore--and now one of my dogs has a lump on his chest--i just cant have 1 day with out something else bad happening
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 20, 2010, 10:46:17 AM
why wont these panic attacks stop---way to many people in the store today--this attack has lasted for almost 2 hours now and it wont stop--i need fred back to so i can handle all those people with their happy lives--while i am so miserable--i know life still goes on for some people but mine ended when i lost fred--i  just want my life back with my handsome, kind, considerate husband----i no one will respond to this but i just had to get this out
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 21, 2010, 02:45:01 PM
whats the purpose of even trying to go on with life--when you love someone so deep and it is taken away with out any warning--no warning what-so-ever--i feel as though the man up above made a mistake that day and took the wrong person--for he knew that i would be alone in this world with out my wonderful fred--a man so kind and considerate and would have given his last dime to anybody in need of it--fred was so full of life and his work wasnt finished here on earth--fred had so much left to do and he is loved by so many people besides me--and in the end one finds out that all the people that invited us somewhere as a couple no longer call or bother to come over--now that fred is gone--oh i've heard it all from--people dont know what to say to you--your too depressed to be around--and so on and so forth--and where i work people will purposely walk in a different direction just to avoid me--i have even tried reaching out to people but was even ignored on that too after a day--so whats the use--people dont even write to me on here anymore--yes i know we are all suffering from our losses and our pain is so intense all the time--but being alone really sucks--for I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND I MISS HIM--he was my world--my life--my reason for living and now all of that is gone

i want to thank the person who sought me out on this site and has become my friend--it is so nice to at least have one person to talk to on a daily basis--it just would be nicer if we werent so many miles apart


Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on August 23, 2010, 04:19:01 PM
what good is this site if no responds anymore?? i know we are all hurting--but its not just my posts that no one responds too--we all are hurting in our own special ways--but even when i post in someone elses board i dont even get a reponse form that--nor does that person--i thought we were all here for a reason to try and comfort each other with all the pain we are experiencing--yes mine is lasting a  very long time and i wont deny that--but i wasnt expecting to lose my hubsand that day--as i am sure he wasnt expecting to leave me also--I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART AND THEN SOME--but again what good is this site if there is no more support from it??
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Jannie on August 23, 2010, 05:25:46 PM
Penny,

Yes, we are all hurting too.  Sometimes it's hard to respond because we don't know what to say any more.   I have not been posting much lately because I am trying hard to move forward and find it so hard to read the pain expressed in all the posts here on this site.  I notice that a lot of people who all started posting here around the same time have stopped as well.

I am still reeling from Charlie's death--yesterday was the 6-month anniversary of his passing.  It was a difficult day, but today is a new day, and I am trying to forge ahead.

We all know what you are feeling and going through, but we must move on as hard as that is.  We all want our lives back, but that is not possible any longer.  Nothing we do can bring them back.  We will never forget them, and there is nothing that will ever fill the hole that is left in our hearts by their death, but you need to realize that we all feel the same way you do.  We need to pray every day for acceptance of what has happened to us and the courage to move forward which is what our loved ones would want for us.

We are listening to you and feel your pain.

Hoping you can find some peace in your life--you are not alone. 

Jannie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Dittos on August 23, 2010, 06:10:01 PM
Dear Penny,

I'm writing because no one has responded after posting six times before this one and we talk regularly, but you said something that is totally untrue. "yes mine is lasting a very long time and i wont deny that." Four months is not a long time at all. We lost two children as you know and our first one died suddenly and was misdiagnosed on autopsy. They thought she died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, SIDS, but as it turned out it was a rare genetic disease but we didn't find out until our fourth child and our third one was a miscarriage at five months. Anyway, my point is we joined a local support group at the time and they gave us a lot of reading material which let me know that two years is average to grieve and that's just an average, no two people are alike and no one can tell us how to grieve.

I haven't posted my story here yet because I wasn't sure I'd feel safe or if I'd get the support I'm desperate for too as you know. I don't know if many here ever heard of "complicated grief," but I know we're both suffering from it and one of the things about it is that you have a very difficult time even accepting the death. If anyone is interested in reading about it, as I think others here may be dealing with it also, here's a few links to read about it. It can be from a sudden unexpected loss or from many losses and traumas. You also lost a child and weren't able to have anymore. My husband survived cancer and was doing well and then died suddenly from a freak bicycle accident after going through our children's deaths together and many other traumas. Two social workers told me they've never had anyone in their practices with as many losses and traumas as I've had. The article even says on an MRI our brains look different, I'd really like to see a scan of my brain.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/03/AR2008080301280_pf.html (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/03/AR2008080301280_pf.html)

http://www.doctorshospital.org/bodymayo.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=6&action=subtopic&hr=Condition%20Guides&topic=Behavioral%20%26%20Mental%20Health&subtopic=Complicated%20grief (http://www.doctorshospital.org/bodymayo.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=6&action=subtopic&hr=Condition%20Guides&topic=Behavioral%20%26%20Mental%20Health&subtopic=Complicated%20grief)

http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/06/23/new-insights-on-grief-recovery/2484.html (http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/06/23/new-insights-on-grief-recovery/2484.html)

http://ezinearticles.com/?Complicated-Grief---Advice-to-Understand-Whether-You-Are-Suffering-From-Unresolved-Grief&id=4555348 (http://ezinearticles.com/?Complicated-Grief---Advice-to-Understand-Whether-You-Are-Suffering-From-Unresolved-Grief&id=4555348)


It hurts even more if we don't get enough support and if we don't have family. For me my family is small and they don't begin to understand what I'm dealing with and have stopped talking to me. We loved our daughter and grandchildren so much and were so close and now that has all changed which is making things worse instead of getting their love,  support and help to make it better.

I know you're also not getting support, from your family, at work or your church which is terrible. Our society just doesn't know how to deal with people who are hurting and grieving and it's a terrible shame. One of my best friends of over thirty years who went through the life and death of our last daughter with us didn't call me after Dennis died. I called her and asked her why and she told me she didn't know what to say but she prayed for me all the time and then she said she was on her way out the door to a block party! We used to live two doors away from each other but she had moved a few years earlier. I haven't heard from her since. All I can say is I think it hit too close to home for her and she was afraid it could happen to her too.

I didn't want to make this about me, but hopefully it might help others or prevent them from making the mistake I did. I never took any antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs after our children died but my sister and daughter called my Dr. from the hospital when my husband died and I was prescribed xanax and an antidepressant. I didn't take the antidepressant but I did take the xanax and it was a big mistake. It is very addictive and is never supposed to be used for grief I later found out from a specialist on the subject, Dr. Ashton, who wrote the Ashton Manual to recover from these benzo drugs. My husband died on Nov. 8, 2007 and I tried to be there for our grandchildren but it wasn't easy. Our daughter lives 3-1/2 hours away and wanted me there for Xmas with them but it was so hard so I kept calling the Dr. and telling him I needed more, just until I could come home and get things settled. Well, by the time I came home I was on 6 mg. of xanax which is an extremely high dose and he said he never knew anyone on that high of a dose that didn't need to be hospitalized to get off of it, but he still allowed me to get on that high of a dose without telling me before I did.  I also know now that it isn't the way to do it either. I won't get into that now, but I eventually ended up seeing a psychiatrist who not only said it wasn't a high dose but added an antidepressant that I wouldn't get sick from, I eventually did try four of them, he wanted to wean me to those to get off of the xanax but I became very sick from all of them. Anyway, she added one and said I'd be on them for three years, two to get well and one just for safekeeping! Their job is just to put you on meds and it's known that no one should be on a benzo drug which xanax is for more than a short period and never for grief because it could make it last for years. I came back to her four months later in June, 2008 and told her I wanted off all of the drugs. She told me it was her job to prescribe them but my job not to take them. I won't go into all of the details but I've been withdrawing from these for over two years now and I won't be off until the end of next May and then it can still take 18 months for my brain to heal and the symptoms get worse the lower you go and after you're off of them. I still have a very long road ahead of me. If anyone has been thinking about taking something, please read this website first and really educate yourself before you make that decision.

www.benzosupport.org (http://www.benzosupport.org)

I'm sorry this got so long, but it hurts me that even desperately reaching out to a grief group online no one was responding to you and what we need more than anything is love and support and for someone, anyone, to listen to us. I too wish we lived closer because I am SO lonely and struggle so much with trying to do things the lower I go on this drug and would love to have a hug. I miss the affection my husband and I shared so much. I was with him for 43 years since I was 14 years old. People are so lucky that have love and family support. I feel so alone in the world like I just don't fit anymore and I do have friends that are helping me with different things and call me on the phone, but still bottomline, I'm usually alone 24/7 and only get two to four hours of broken sleep a night, another w/d symptom, and that's so hard. I'm also suffering from PTSD which I'm sure others here are too but maybe don't even realize it.

So Penny, I'm sending  you lots of cyber hugs and hope somehow we survive this.

{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}} and lots of love.








Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Terry on August 23, 2010, 07:51:41 PM
((((( Dittos )))))

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. Your precious children and your precious husband. You have been through quite a lot. Have you thought about posting on the child loss forum also? Whatever you are comfortable doing. I just saw your post as I was viewing our new members. I also noticed you posted in the thread, "where is everyone from?"

Yes, I have heard of and read quite a bit on "Complicated Grief" and thank you for these links.

I agree that no two people grieve the same. We are all unique in that sense. I may share with you that I understand the pain of child loss, but I do not know 'your' pain. I agree with how you've worded this.

I've read this post twice and I want to thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I understand how difficult it can be at times.

You wrote: "I'm sorry this got so long, but it hurts me that even desperately reaching out to a grief group online no one was responding to you and what we need more than anything is love and support and for someone, anyone, to listen to us."

Sometimes, when we post in a thread that has been active for awhile such as this one has, it becomes a continuation of the original topic and it's also the way a lot of posts can get overlooked. It can become confusing for the other members.

I suggest starting a "New Topic" and please introduce yourself and this will give everyone a chance to read your story and also to get to know you.

Please be assured that webhealing is a safe place to come to share your story and I'm so glad I happened upon your post. And, your sharing can never be 'too long". They are your feelings and they are very important to all of us here. The boards here are a wonderful source of support, and, again I'm just so sorry your post has been overlooked.

You have offered valuable information that I'm sure will benefit anyone reading. You have also touched on so many very important topics as we each struggle to find our way after such tragic losses that most of us have had. Although we all grieve differently, we all understand the deep pain when losing someone we love so very much.

If you should have any questions or concerns or would like help in any area here on the boards, please don't hesitate to contact me. I am always here for you.

Your words tugged at my heart strings, truly and I hope to hear from you again soon.

((((((((((Dittos))))))))))

You have my love,
Terry

 



Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Terry on August 23, 2010, 08:48:02 PM
what good is this site if no responds anymore?? i know we are all hurting--but its not just my posts that no one responds too--we all are hurting in our own special ways--but even when i post in someone elses board i dont even get a reponse form that--nor does that person--i thought we were all here for a reason to try and comfort each other with all the pain we are experiencing--yes mine is lasting a  very long time and i wont deny that--but i wasnt expecting to lose my hubsand that day--as i am sure he wasnt expecting to leave me also--I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART AND THEN SOME--but again what good is this site if there is no more support from it??

Penny,

I am so sorry for your pain, and in regards to support, your disappointment. I've found it very helpful when coming onto the board for support to start a "New Topic" on how I am feeling.

In an original thread, support is offered and then too quickly, another subject will enter into a series of responses which can become very confusing for one expecting a response to their specific issue. This is also the way a new member can at times get 'lost', if you will in a series of responses related to the original topic.

I'm sure that by starting a "New Topic", others will see this more easily and offer support. And, the reason we are all here.

There are times when we enter certain phases of our grief when we are not as open as we once were. This is just a part of this very difficult journey through grief.

Again, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now and know we care, very much.

Holding you close with thoughts of your precious Fred.

(((((((((Penny)))))))))

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on October 17, 2010, 11:14:52 AM
CAN ANY ONE TELL ME WHY GOD HAD TO TAKE MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND AND MY PRECIOUS SON AND LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD!!!!
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: Terry on October 17, 2010, 10:40:21 PM
((((( Penny )))))

I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now. I also lost a baby boy (Salvador) just 4 days old. My Michelle was 4 years old when she died due to complications from her Leukemia. And, my most recent (I still feel it's recent) was the death of my only surviving child, my son Jeff of 29 years. My husband also died, a few years ago.

Please know I understand your anger and questioning and intense missing of your love, Fred and your precious baby. Although I was never angry with God, I was just angry that they died. I have made my peace with Sal and Michelle's deaths but Jeff's is still a struggle.

I would like to know more about your baby if you are up to sharing. And, with the Holiday's coming and very soon, I know you must have so many beautiful memories of your life with your precious Fred. It's always helped me to talk about them, and often. This is one place where our feelings are understood and we're safe sharing them.

Know I care.

((((((((((((((((Penny)))))))))))))))

My love,
Terry
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on October 18, 2010, 05:38:55 AM
we didnt even get to know our son zachary willard for he died 2 hours after he was born on march 7 1988--we didnt even get to hold him until after he was gone--zachary was rushed out of the room becuase his lungs were not developed enough for him to breath on his own--he was a few months early due to me having endometorosis--as to which the tumor separted the placenta from my uterine wall--and we were not able to have any more children because i had to have a complete hysterectomy at the age of 28--so this was my fault too

yes i have a lot of memories of fred but i dont just want the memories i want to be able to hold fred and have a conversation with him--i just want my life back for fred is all i had--we did everything together--and its my fault that i lost him too--for all the mistakes i made that day

the holidays coming up i dont even want to think of them--for the last 8 years it was just fred and i to celebrate them by ourselves--now as far as i am concerned they are just days i just want to do with out since i will be all alone now--i cannot talk about fred to any one i was even told i was not allowed to talk about fred at work and since that is the only place i go now i have to keep it all inside now

terry i am sorry for all of your losses and it has to be hard without your family being here i know how hard it is for me

i cannot get angry with fred for it wasnt his fault--but i am very angry at the man upstairs for taking fred and zach and for making me make all those mistakes on may 8th
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: browneyedgirl on October 18, 2010, 12:59:49 PM
((((Penny))))

I am so sorry for all the loss you have suffered. 

Your work place told you that you were not to speak of your husband?  This seems odd to me, I am so sorry that people are being so rude. 

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: jaxsaint on October 23, 2010, 01:03:24 PM
Penny,

I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need.  People often don't know how to offer their support when someone is in such tremendous pain.  It's been 7 months since I lost Joe.  It still hurts like hell.  It helps me to think about what I want to create now.  I can't change what happened, but I can choose what happens next.  I miss my husband all the time.  I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever.  I'm tired of feeling loss.  We all deserve happiness and we all matter.  I don't know why this tragedy happened to us, but I know I'll never be able to answer that so I choose to focus on things that I can do something about.

Best wishes to you.

Jackie
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: futbllwmn on October 23, 2010, 09:44:19 PM
Penny... I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.  I come here often to read the posts but I rarely post myself.  I lost my husband 06.03.08 at the age of 56.  He died suddenly of a blood clot to the heart.  Although I'm much further in the grief process than you are, I do relate to what you are going through.  I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but, for me, it hasn't yet.  The first year I was in such a fog, denial and still making deals with God.  The second year the fog lifted and I came the the realization that Ron was not coming home.  But this third year has been the hardest I think. Everyone, including my family, has moved on.  And that's a good thing, but I haven't "moved on". I'm in my mid-fifties (kinda young :-) and the thought of living the rest of my days without Ron is still unbearable.  I just don't know how to move on from here.  You are not alone.... someone is always here to vent to.  Keep posting.

I wish you peace...

Joyce
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on October 24, 2010, 10:44:59 AM
thanks joyce--ill take the hug through cyber spaceand i am sorry for your loss of ron--and no i am finding it hareder and harder for me as each and every day passes--i really honestly and truely dont know how much heartache i can take--for fred is the love of my life and always will be--i dont know how people can just "move on" either--for my heart is still in a million pieces from losing my wonderful husband

penny
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: amyluvsron on October 24, 2010, 01:15:56 PM
Penny,

I know what you mean about the not responding. I stopped for sometime because I haven't been getting responses either, even after I posted an introduction as I was instructed.

I can't say I know how you feel when it comes to loosing a child since I have never had any, but I did just loose the love of my life less than 3 months ago. Today would've been his 44th Birthday, and I had so many plans for us for today. I'm also disappointed because friends of mine and his let me down today. We were all supposed to go to his grave site, but our friend decided he's too tired now. I don't drive, so it's frustrating relying on others.

I feel the same in the aspect of loosing my man. He was taken way too soon and I'm angry about that. All I want is to be able to turn back time, or wake up from this awful nightmare and find him next to me, holding me, smiling at me and hearing his voice again. I miss him so much!

I've recently started going to therapy and I'm hoping it helps. I do have a few understanding friends, alot say I'm making it worse on myself by dwelling on it. I can't just move on yet. 3 months really isn't that long and it angers me when people try to tell me how I should feel. They don't know!!! They still have their family, their husband, their lover! I don't!!!

Everyone here, I wish you peace, as I search for it myself. In time , I hope that we can all find it.

Amy
Title: Re: suddenly and totally unexpected
Post by: to young to be a widow on October 24, 2010, 06:35:32 PM
amy--i am sorry for your loss--and i too wish someone would wake me up from this terrible nightmare--i went to therapy but after my 4th visit i was told there was nothing they could do for me--im sorry your friends disappointed you today for i dont have any friends--but dont let anyone ever tell you how to feel--all of this takes time and i do mean time--for me it will be 6 months on may 8th and nothing has changed for me at all--for if anyone could look into my eyes they would see the pain and sadness in them but nobody does--it took me 2 years before i could face the world again after fred and i lost zachary and that was with fred's help--with fred holding me and letting me cry whenever i needed it--and now there is no hugs or a shoulder to cry on

take care
penny