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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: jaxsaint on May 16, 2010, 05:56:51 PM

Title: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 16, 2010, 05:56:51 PM
It’s been 54 days since my husband left.  His name is Joe.  He was/is my soul-mate.  We lived and worked together.  I don’t understand….
Joe is 44 and I am 31.  We were friends for seven years, living together for two and a half years, and married for two and a half months.  None of this is supposed to be happening, we’re supposed to celebrate our wedding in August.  This was all so sudden. . . I’m so angry!  My husband battled cancer for the last 24 yrs, but was killed by a drunk driver during a cancer free period.  At 20 he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and given 5% survival, he survived.  At 24 it was Lukemia, a side effect of the previous bout.  He lived in the hospital for 11 months in isolation.  For 10 years there were multiple rectal tumors, and just last year it was prostate cancer.  He survived them all!  Because of this he had what I called “cancer mentality,” he lived life everyday and it made him incredible unique.  On April 19, St. Joseph’s Day, he was walking across the street after picking up something to make for diner (he loved to cook) and was hit by a drunk driver who kept going.  I received a phone call from the hospital.  When I got there his was unconscious.  He never woke up.  Severe brain trauma.  By the fourth day the doctors told me he would never wake up, and would probably only last a few days longer.  Joe’s family and I made the decision to take him off life support.  Here I am just learning to sign my married name, having to sign the papers.  He held on for two hours.  I felt his breath and heart stop.  He was in my arms with our family standing around.  I didn’t even realize they were there.  It was just us, just like he liked it.
He was strong.  He was generous.  He was loving.  He was the best thing that ever happened to me!  I can’t believe he is gone and I wonder how long until I can join him.  How can there be a God?  Why make him suffer through so much only to take him when he was on the up swing?  I ask him every night to call me, to tell me it’s time to follow.  I always believed in Karma, that if you were a good person you would attract good.  This is the unthinkable.  Where is justice?  I am trying so hard to honor him each day by waking up, the way he did, but it is torture.  Why is this happening?
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 16, 2010, 07:27:06 PM
Hello jaxsaint,
So very sorry for all of the trials and tribulations that you have been experiencing over the years...not many people would have been able to get through those obstacles...I do not know what to say to you...all the words are so hollow...we are all going through such horrible situations on this site...nothing makes sense...there is no justice...especially when you read the posts on this site...it seems to just be random chance...it has been 65 days since I lost half of my life when my best friend and darling wife left this earth...I am totally lost...she was my everything...my true love...I do not now what to do...I am in another world looking in at all the couples who still have someone...I have no family or close friends...there are many friends that I have but they are not close and do not want to hear me grieve ( my opinion and feelings from associations with them...especially the men)...it does help to write...for me it is my only channel to express my inner feelings...I know it will be very difficult for all experiencing our grief but I wish you well and hope that you find a way to get through this terrible situation...
Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: Sara Ann on May 17, 2010, 06:57:43 AM
If there is justice at all in this situation, hopefully it will appear in the love and comfort that will surround you. This is where God is in all of this.

I am glad to hear someone else writing about feelings of injustice. I have them, too.

My friend the Rabbi says that God doesn't take anyone until death releases them. I am still trying to get my head around that.

I am on the numb channel this morning (I have two, crying and numb, right now). I am forcing myself to go see my doctor today (have some serious health problems that needed following up before the floor of my life got pulled out). I am hoping that watching our current thunderstorm counts as "doing something" because that is all I am getting done at this moment.

I am going to pray for you. I hear the pain in your post. You are not alone with it.

Kind regards,

Sara Ann





Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 19, 2010, 10:31:59 AM
Thank you Sara Ann and Leo,

Today is two months since he was hit.  It's almost been as long as our marriage.  I couldn't go to work today, feeling like I should've taken off two months ago and then none of this would  be happening.

Friends and family tell me how strong I am, and remind me to continue being strong.  Don't they realize that whoever thought I was strong enough to  handle this made a gross overestimation.  I was only ever strong because I had him.  The first month was terrible, couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying.  The second month has been even worse.  I don't feel him around me anymore.  The signs have stopped and that is much worse.  I want to know where he is.  I want to be there with him.  I shut myself down all day long in order to get through the day.  How can life be going on when he is gone?

He promised me that everything would be okay.  This is not okay.  We were starting to talk about a baby.  My mind says, "this can not be happening," but it is.  When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 19, 2010, 11:20:40 AM
Hello jaxesaint,
I am again so sorry that you are experiencing such pain...it is 68 days since my beloved wife left this world...I start tearing up just writing it down...I love her and miss her so much...I too have friends that say I am looking better and seem to be doing better when I am really agonizing and numb all over...nothing seems to be getting better in the least and I too feel that the second month has been far worse...the sadness has increased so much and I am crying so much more...believe me I cried a lot the first month but almost any thing can set me off now...some of my friends have said some very insensitive things, in my opinion, regarding my "recovery period"...as if there is some predetermined standard protocol that one must follow...one person even made a very crude remark, which I will not get into, and it clearly was uncalled for as his wife implied to him...because of these situations I have secluded myself and seldom talk to any "friends "...I have no family so I am alone...I am not certain that I can figure any thing out...it is just me and whatever happens...happens...I am not leading a life...I am in am in a solitary confinement that has transparent walls so I can watch people with partners enjoy life...
My wife and I thought we had the world with such a beautiful life that we shared for almost 33 years...we were so fortunate but we wanted it to go on much longer...I would spend an eternity with her and someday I will be with her...I do not know why it has to be this way...why would life be designed in such a way that you experience such happiness and good health for years only to slash everything from under you and punish you in such a devastating manner? It does not make any sense to me...nothing does any more...
I too feel as if I am in a constant nightmare and want to wake up to my dear wife...I can go on with the words but all are so hollow now...
I hope that someday you have some inner peace...
Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: Sara Ann on May 19, 2010, 04:06:29 PM
Hello Jaxsaint,

I am so sorry you are hurting. When you were writing about losing the signs of having someone around, and how empty that feels, I could really identify with that. When my friend Mukul died, we had just spoken about our plans for me to move in with him for a few months so I could finish writing a book. He had a beautiful place on the ocean, with views on all four sides, and it was very peaceful. We were talking about what we were going to do to fix up my room at his house. Then he died unexpectedly and I am never going to see him or the inside of his house again. It's probably been sold by now by his relatives.

When Brett died, he had just written all over my facebook page, and he had just emailed me about our plans to attend our reunion together.  We were both struggling with serious health problems so every other day or so I would get a call...it was just him checking up on me, did I need anything, etc.

All this to say the silence can indeed be deafening. Mukul was one of the smartest people I had ever met, and I loved bouncing ideas off of him. Brett was one of the most loving people I had ever met, and I so looked forward to the sweet things he would say and do. Both of them were very generous friends -- not talking money so much here, but emotional generosity.

One thing I've learned from all this is that I need what I call "2:00 a.m. friends", people I could call at 2:00 a.m. if I need them. I've lost three recently, and while they will never be totally replaced, I am touched by kindness from people I wouldn't have expected it from before. One friend of mine got really mad, for instance, that he didn't get a call when I had to go to the E.R. recently. Another friend who I did call that night showed up with a blanket and a toothbrush.  One of my biggest fears is being really sick, and alone.

I wonder what it's like for you to reach out right now. It's very hard for me to reach out to new people when I am grieving big losses.  What can be worse is suffering by myself.

Brett and I were drum majors of our high school band together. You wouldn't believe how many band members have found me on facebook since he died, including my best friend from high school who I hadn't heard from in over 20 years.

I am praying that for you, your loss brings to you all those who will appreciate having such a loving, devoted person as you for a friend.  All of us want to leave this earthly life in the arms of the person who loves us the most. You gave that and so much more to your husband.

Kind regards,

Sara Ann
























Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: Lisasean2001 on May 19, 2010, 05:55:22 PM
Hello Jaxsaint,

My heart aches for you reading your story and I would like you to know that you are in my thoughts. I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain that you are feeling.

I have had many of the thoughts and feelings you express, and still do even to this day.
You are right; nothing about any of this is okay.
Many of the things people say mean nothing. However, I have learned over the last 10 months that sometimes there are little bits of hope in their words. For instance when they say “you are so strong”, I feel they are saying “please stay strong” for it is their hope that you will not be taken under the waves with the weight of your grief and every day you are still living is another day that you have survived what I can only describe as the most horrendous and painful experience we have been forced to endure.

My words might not mean much now, in fact they might never, but it is with hope that I share them with you and wish that you might find some rest and solace in the days to follow.

Sean
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on May 19, 2010, 09:24:57 PM
Hi Jaxsaint
     I am so sorry for your loss, it is such a heartache, I know the emptiness you speak of,  coming home to an empty house is terrible.  We were together 43 years, he was only 60 when he passed, he didn't know he had pancreatic cancer, that had spread, so that his first symptom was too late, in 3 weeks he went from a big healthy looking man, who walked 3 miles every day and ate everything in his sight to gone.  I know that I am still trying to accept what happened in my head, it is very hard.  My emotions are up and down, I did go back to work, and I think that it was good for me, it gives me something else to think about for a little bit,
    I am so sorry that we all have this horrible pain and our heads are all fogged up, I wish it would all go away,and I would wake up, but I know that is not going to happen.
    Take good care of yourself
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 21, 2010, 01:10:42 PM
This morning I had to meet with the Principal of my school with union representation.  He said that my attendence was disruptive to the students.  I've missed one day since coming back.  I work hard with my students and am doing everything I can to make up for the time that was missed.  He told me I should've taken a leave for the rest of the year.  Was he going to pay my bills?  I'm doing the best I can do.  The students have been wonderful.  My husband was also a history teacher in the same school, and the kids loved him.  The principal said that our department has been destroyed. . .doesn't he realize that the same event that destroyed the department has destroyed my life?

The truth is, as illogical as it may sound, I blame the principal for my husband's death.  I have worked in the school for 10 yrs..  Always given my all. . .gone over and beyond.  Yet ever since I became union delegate this year I have received negative letters.  He even called me a racist, something I take great exception to.  When he couldn't find anything wrong he went after my husband with negative letters threatening diciplinary action.  My husband's blood pressure skyrocketed.  He went to the doctor that morning for tests because of his high blood pressure.  He believed the cause was stress from work since he was eating healthier than ever before because I was on Weight Watchers to slim down for the wedding.  If he didn't have the high blood pressure none of this would've happened.

I went back to work because the students kept contacting me, asking me to return.  My psychiatrist and therapist thought it would be good for me to confront it.  It was one of the hardest days of my life.  I had told myself that first month that if he wasn't at home he had to be at work.  It took me two weeks to make it passed the parking lot.  I just couldn't get over his car not being there.  I still expect him to come into the cafeteria and say, "there's my beautiful wife."  I'm there, I'm doing what I am supposed to.  All I want to do is throw myself off a bridge, but I keep trying.  Now I'm being reprimanded for that.  Isn't there any humanity left in the world?
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 21, 2010, 01:54:24 PM
Hello jaxsaint,
I am so very sorry that on top of grief and sadness that you have been experiencing  in losing your husband, you have to be exposed to this terrible situation at school...you have suffered so much already...I hope that you can shake it off somehow...it worries me when I see that someone here is being thrown into more grief...I know that there is nothing  that I can say to ease your pain...although I do not know you, I know the bridge avenue is not the way to go...for what it is worth I have been so despondent of late and I seem to be getting worse...all sorts of crazy thoughts flying in and out of my mind...but I remember my dear wife gasping when I said that I wanted to go with her..."don't talk like that" she said to me...it is so hard to want to or have the desire to forge ahead...but I think of her words...she also said to me "you'll be OK"...I am crying so hard now and sometimes I think that I will not be able to stand it...the constant pain is terrible...the sadness is haunting me every second of the day...
Sometimes there are personality conflicts that exist and the people in charge relish putting someone in a "losing situation" instead of having some feelings and trying to understand...will school be ending soon...is another school an option for you...if school is ending soon then at least you will have the summer period to help you adjust some...
I really hope that you take care of yourself...please write more...it isn't good to keep everything inside...
Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on May 21, 2010, 09:48:10 PM
Hi Jaxsaint
    I feel so bad for you, it would be great if you could find another school, it might be a little easier for you in another school. Well if not that at least I hope you are off for the summer. Some people are insensitive, they just do not realize how they make people feel, they are just not thinking before they speak, and just spew out whatever they want. It is very hard to deal with difficult people when you are grieving, 
    Please don't talk about jumping off anything, your husband would not want you to do that, and you know it. Some days are harder than others, but maybe tomorrow will be a little better.
     I hope everything works out for you, try not to let the principal get to you.
    Have a good day
    Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 22, 2010, 08:20:01 PM
Hello Jackie,
I was just thinking of you and hoped that you were doing better today...the stress is not good although I know that you have been subjected to a lot...there are many understanding people here and we can listen to you...we all care about one another...I try but most of the time I am so down on myself...
Try us when you feel like writing...
Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 23, 2010, 10:41:07 AM
Today makes two months since I watched him take his last breath.  I held him.  I was still hoping and praying for a miracle.  He was my miracle.

Yesterday I want to a MADD event to raise money and awareness about drunk driving.  Someone dies because of drunk driving every 40 seconds.  My husband did not have to die.  Why aren't all cars made with breath ignitions?

He should be here now holding me.  Last night I played some of his music and pretended he was dancing with me.  He was so amazing.  I can't accept this.  He was too full of life to be gone now.  I miss him all the time.  We melded together.  We fit.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on May 23, 2010, 09:05:08 PM
Hi Jackie,
     My heart really goes out to you, to beat cancer, and then get killed by a drunk driver, Why???????, I wish I knew the answer, that is horrible, how could that happen, and why would that happen???, I don't know what to say,  I am so sick tonight, my heart hurts for all our pain
Take care of yourself
karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 24, 2010, 02:01:56 PM
Last night was the series finale of my favorite show, Lost.  The ending certainly reflected my prayers.  I struggle with faith.  My husband was an athiest, and he would call me a disaffected Catholic.  I find myself wondering all the time if we will be with each other again.  Once, when I was a teen, I made a spell to summon my soul mate.  I imagined all the qualities he would have, I designed my perfect partner.  It took me a while, him also, but we found each other.

When we first started dating he had me read a book by Ha Jin, "Waiting."  It was about a man who wanted a divorce, and his estranged wife who was always waiting.  The feminist in me could not accept that a woman would wait so long.  Now I realize that I am the woman.  I am the wife who is prepetually waiting for her husband to come home.  I'm lonely.  I have no desire to do anything except dream about him.  Unfortunately the dreams don't come.

Joe left me thousands of books.  When he died I wanted to read them all, my life's mission.  I started a few, but can't bring myself to finish them or start anything new.

I hope we all see them again.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on May 24, 2010, 09:49:41 PM
Hi Jaxsaint
     Today was a day of just staying in the house, doing nothing, from couch to bed to couch all day, made a few calls, back to couch.  Tonight was a bereavement group, I forced myself to go,, I don't know if it will be helpful to me, I can't see what it is going to do for me, but I will try again.  I used up all my energy last night freaking out in the storage room, throwing all kinds of stuff out, not his stuff, just struff, it made me feel good. but I overdid my back, and that is dangerous, because I have a bad disk and if I have a problem there is no one to help me anymore. I will be alone like a dog in bed for days.  so I should be a little more careful, but I was crazy with strength and burst of energy last night, then after I cried and cried, who knows. 
     I don't know how we are supposed to get used to this, I have been with him since I was 16, married him at 17 and have been with him ever since now I am 60, now what? I am scared, sad, mad, everything that you can think of.
     Well I had better try to sleep now
   Take care
  Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 25, 2010, 07:00:36 PM
Hello jaxsaint,
In a recent post that you put in my section you said it scares you to think of how long it takes us to heal...I think that we may recover somewhat eventually but I think that this sadness and pain will lurk in our subconscious minds forever...how can any of us recover from the true love and devotion that we shared with our beloved partners... maybe I should not project such a gloomy forecast but after almost 33 years for me and my dear wife what can I possibly think? I told myself before that I should project only an hour at a time...I try not to go beyond that usually...I believe that the more you were in love with a person and did everything together the worse and longer the " recovery  period "...at least externally so that we can function somewhat with other people...
You said how you cleaned your apartment thinking that he would be there...I still keep the my wife's bathrobe on her side of the bed and her slippers just on the floor below...I keep a clean towel on near her sink in our bathroom...I still turn her computer on every morning and us it during the day...it makes me feel closer to her...I anguish at the thought of losing her and do not find any purpose in staying without her...it all seems so senseless...
I hear where you are coming from as much of what you say has been in my mind...again I am so sorry for your loss and hope that someday you will experience something better in life...I hope you do...

Leo
         
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 25, 2010, 07:53:03 PM
I just got back from my brother in law's house.  It was a difficult night for me.  The man who chased down the miscreant who killed my husband was there.  He and his wife live in Wisconsin, they were here on a short vacation.  He was behind the drunk driver, saw him hit Joe and keep going.  He followed him and then literally sat on him until the police came so he couldn't get away.  Irony has it that he drove the same type of van that killed my husband.  I saw it tonight...

My mother in law and brother in law also expressed their hurt at receiving papers from the civil attorney I hired asking them to relinquish their decision making in the wrongful death suit.  I'm feeling a little hurt.  I didn't think it was a big deal.  I feel horrible that they were hurt, I always fully intended to include them, but though this was just about expediting paperwork.  I told them this and started crying.  I don't know how to make decisions, never did.  Joe was my sounding board and now he isn't here.  I don't know if I am coming or going these days.  My mother in law gave me comfort.  When I told her I ask him to take me with him every night, she replied that he wouldn't want me to talk like that.  She said that signing those papers makes her feel like she is giving up on her son.

While I'm sorry that I hurt them, and though I never intended to do so, I am a little insulted.  His brother said that I only knew him for 3 years, and while he knows how much I loved him they had been there for him for so long.  I understand, but I am his wife.  We were supposed to be together for almost as long.  My brother in law said that I could get married again and make my new husband an administrator of the Estate.  How could they think I would ever give up on Joe?  How could they think that I could replace him so easily?  When you marry a man as unique as my husband there is no replacement.  I'm not insulted that they want to be able to make decisions too, nor do I begrudge them that, I just feel like they think so little of my love for Joe that they might even contemplate that I would attempt to shut them out.

This is hard enough just to start believing that he is really gone.  I could use the help making decisions, I just felt they underestimated me.  It's hard enough to know that I may go through a trial, that someone did this to him.  My psychiatrist said today that it's like I have to live in two worlds.  The world  where I try to go on, the world where I am strong to get justice and the world where I grieve, where I just want to fall apart.  I'm trying, but I just want to fall apart.  The life I chose doesn't exist anymore.  Everything I wanted went with him.  How can I ever get to the other side of this pain?  Sorry so depressing.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 25, 2010, 08:45:49 PM
Hello jaxsaint,

Thank you so much for your kind words...I am sorry for your pain and the somewhat difficult situation that you found yourself in with your relatives...it has to make things more strained for you with the loss of Joe being upper most in your mind...you have to do what you feel is best for yourself...everyone sees things a little differently...try not to tax yourself too much over the issue with your relatives...I just have my 86 year old mother-in-law and my wife's brother and they both live over 1000 miles away...my wife had been away from her home and mother for almost 38 years...we too were so complete and I love her so much...I honestly do not know how to get through...so many of my friends have told me that they did not know any other couple that had such love and as close and caring of relationship as my wife and I did...
Hoping that things improve for you...I do not know what else to say...

Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 07:42:02 PM
Hello Jackie,,
Hope you are OK...there is a link that I posted in my section...it has some photos of some of the flowers from my wife's garden...she loved to work in the garden and we spent a lot of time there...I thought that maybe you might like to look at it sometime...
wishing you well...

Leo

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 29, 2010, 07:42:59 PM
Leo,

What a beautiful garden.  I'm glad it gives you peace.

Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 29, 2010, 08:04:32 PM
Hello Jackie,
Thank you very much...hope that you are doing OK...I feel so depressed...it is 78 days since I lost my dear wife and I do not know why I am existing...you have been through so much and I wish you well in life...our situations are so unfair...not only were our loved ones taken from us but our lives as we knew them were totally destroyed...such travesties...such injustices...

Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on May 31, 2010, 11:32:48 AM
I often think, how can life just turn on you like this?  We were a happy family.  Just us and our cat Yogi.  We were so content to just be alone.  We spent all day and night together.  It was the happiest I'd ever been.  Then I wake up one morning, go to work without him, excited to come home and talk to him, and I never got to do that again.  It's been a nightmare ever since.  We were so in love.  We just started our life together.  I feel so cheated.  We were supposed to have so many years of happiness.  I miss him terribly.

Yesterday I went to the movies with my mom and some friends.  Much of the movie was about marriage.  I waited so long to find a man that I loved and loved me back.  Being a widow at 31 is so strange.  I'm still married, I'm still part of a couple, but now my other half is missing.  I feel so distant from him lately.  I play his music when I can stand it in order to feel close.  My friend and neighbor had a dream about him the other morning.  She said it was so vivid.  He told her to tell me "I had a happy life with her."  I know that should make me feel better, and I guess at some point it will, but right now it just reminds me of how tragic this really is.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on May 31, 2010, 01:33:14 PM
Hello Jackie,
I can relate to so much of what you say...I have everything in our house the way it was...we had such a loving relationship and were so content and very happy to have each other...our love grew every day...we thought we had every thing that we wanted...I too feel we have been cheated, especially my poor wife...visions of the last several weeks of her illness haunt me to no end...such an awful life design that when you are so happy and are with the love of your life  that your heart can be ripped out ...we know quite a few people in our community but I do not feel like being with anyone and have refused almost every invite so far...I too feel as if I am in a nightmare and I am waiting to wake up...today is 80 days since my wife left...I am staying to  myself and have no one with whom I can confide...
Right now I have no purpose at all...hope that you can find some peace eventually and I am so sorry for your  loss...

wishing you better times...
Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 04:56:33 PM
Hi Jackie,
    I am so sorry for your pain, you are so young, you shouldn't have lost your love of your life.  I understand how your heart hurts, mine does also, I miss my love so much that it actually hurts, I was home all day today alone, in and out of the house, cleaning up, and no one to talk to. very sad.  People all around me barbequing, and I am all alone. I went to the store and that was the extent of my day.  I lost half of my heart the day Johnny left and I know that I will never get it back.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 01, 2010, 01:25:25 PM
I made it through another day of work.  Tomorrow is the awards ceremony for graduating seniors.  Students who are receiving top awards are allowed to request the teacher to present it to them.  The valadictorian requested me.  She was a student of both Joe and myself.  I feel like I am supposed to say something profound and inspiring, but I'm struggling to find those feelings every day.  Last year Joe had to present an award.  He was so happy to be requested, and so proud.  This was the time of year that we enjoyed.  When all we work to do is celebrated.  Our 3 year anniversary would've been next Sunday.  This was the time of year we got to do whatever we wanted.  Now I'm just alone.  Sorry just another day of struggling. I feel like half of me is dead and the other half is being tortured.

Karen,
Sometimes I still talk to him.  I wrote him daily for a while, now I have a hard time getting the words out.  There are no rules when it comes to grief.  If it helps to talk to him out loud do it.

Leo,
You have so many wonderful memories of your wife.  I hope one day you are able to enjoy them without the pain.  They are a blessing.
Be Well,
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 01, 2010, 01:35:57 PM
Hi Jackie,
    I must be very hard for you to think of something to say for the award speech, because our minds are not clear, It is very nice that the students are able to choose someone they want.  I hope you had a good day at school today, I had an awful day, got up miserable and have been like that all day, lonely, and miserable. Have been out, to the stores for food, but just wanted to come home.  I miss him so much, what do we have to live for?, He was my life.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 01, 2010, 02:00:48 PM
I ask myself the same question every day... what is there to live for?  All my happiness went with him.  I hate being around people, I just try and placate them so I can be left to my misery.  The only answer I can give myself is that Joe would never give up.  He was always fighting to live and he would be very unhappy with me if I gave up.  In the hospital, I often block it out, he kept fighting for over two hours after they took him off life support.  They said it would only be minutes.  He had the fight gene, I never did, flight is easier.  I'm trying to honor him by doing what he would.  Sometimes the way I deal with the pain probably disapoints him, but I'm trying.  Maybe whatever lesson I can learn will speed me towards him.  My psychiatrist asks me all the time,"what would he tell you"?

Work sucks, it always does.  Teaching is very straining at the best of times, but in the end we hope we touch just one.  I'm lucky to have the opportunity to impact students, but it doesn't take away the pain I feel on a daily basis.  I hope that at some point when we can, that we try to keep the love and legacies we've inherited by passing them on.

Jacke
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 05:00:18 PM
Hello Jackie,
What a wonderful honor that the valedictorian requested you...congratulations for inspiring such a talented individual...I am sure that there is nothing that will alleviate your situation but I would guess that your husband would be so proud of you...try to be kind to yourself and I wish you well tomorrow...
There are so many great memories that I have but I guess part of human nature is to always want more...all was going so great...we were so very happy and in love and now I sit here alone as her physical presence recedes into the past and I am helpless to stop it...I am now at 81 days since I lost her and I feel worse as each day goes by me...what do we do Jackie...what do we say...my heart is so heavy and I still avoid friends and want to be alone...I keep my phones off...I kept her cell phone and bought enough minutes for an additional 2 years...I use her phone and her car keys...I can't get any closer but these things make me feel good...I talk out loud in the house so much ...to my wife and to myself...
I hope something better happens to make you feel a little better and I wish I could say something to help...it is so very difficult for all of us...no one should suffer the way we do...it is so cruel...
We should try and be nice to ourselves...we deserve it for all of the pain and sadness that has been dropped on us...

I wish you well...

Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 03, 2010, 06:48:32 PM
Hi All,

Last night was the big speech number one.  It was very emotional.  This was the time of year we both loved, the time that was rewarding.  Every year one of the teachers creates a video of the senior class and teachers.  This years ended with a picture dedicated in loving memory of Joe.  The students cheered and clapped like crazy.  I was hysterically crying.  The entire senior class stood up and said in unison "we love you Ms. St. John."  Two minutes later I had to get up on stage and speek.  I shook the entire time, but I managed not to cry, not to crack my voice.  The student receiving the award held my hand the entire time.  I still shake when I think about it.  Today everyone complimented my on a wonderful speech, even called me a model of strength.  Are they crazy? I don't feel strong at all.

Yesterday was also emotional because some of our former students came to visit.  One in particular was very close to both of us.  She comes from an abusive family and foster family, cigarette burn scars on her face to prove it.  We had a sweet sixteen for her.  She's in college now, received As and Bs.  He would be so proud of her.  Why him?
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on June 03, 2010, 07:01:10 PM
Hello Jackie,
I am so happy for you on your wonderful achievement...it sounds as if it all was very emotional for you...your husband would be so very proud of you... I hope your efforts continue along this wonderful road...hope that all else is going OK for you...
wishing you well...

Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 09:08:20 PM
Hello Jackie,

I was thinking of you and just wondered if you were OK...I guess with school being over you have more " free time "...are you finding anything to help you during these troubled times? I hope so...I am trying to stay busy with projects and that seems to prevent my mind from multitasking too much...wishing you some better days in this time of coping with your tragic loss...

Leo
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 11, 2010, 03:16:52 PM
Hi Leo,

Thanks for the thoughts.  This has been such a crazy week I haven't had much time to visit.  I'm a bit overwhelmed.  All the legal and insurance matters, not knowing where my husband's family stands, and the end of school work had been exhusting.  I keep trying to put up a good show, but I feel so alone.  I miss him all the time and yet sometimes I'm angry with him for leaving me like this.  We never got settled.  We were settled in our love for one another, but not financially, not where paperwork is concerned.  I guess I'm lucky I paid the household bills, at least I know how.  I remember when my grandfather died 3 years ago and my grandmother didn't even know how to adjust the temperature of the house.  It's just too much.  How do they expect someone in pain, feeling like this, to complete anything?

Yet, I'm trying to live life the way my husband did.  "Go for it," he'd say.  So I've decided to trade our cars in for a convertible.  He loved convertibles.  He had an RX7 Mazda convertible when we started dating.  He kept the top down in February with the heat on!  It was held together by duct tape.  It's these memories that inform every desire that I have.  I want to do the things we never got to do.  I want to take pictures and send him letters. . .keep him alive.

Today the seniors received their yearbooks.  This years was dedicated to Joe.  I was lovingly harassed by them for signatures.  Joe and I shared many students over the years; they all knew we were engaged and then married.  Even some of Joe's students that we didn't have in common were asking.  One year book fell open to two pages dedicated to him.  I started crying in the middle of class.  I compose myself all day, every day.  I try to distract myself, limit my time of devestation so it doesn't get a hold of me.  I'm so afraid that if I don't stop my feeling I'll never be able to get back up.  Yet I feel guilty for feeling that way, part of me wants to fall to pieces.

Joe was the ultimate survivor, yet I don't always want to survive.  Everyone tells me he would be disappointed if I didn't, and I know that's true, but still I feel like the world should stop.  I'm torn between the Italian widow and the "triumphant surviver."  I just seem unable to reconcile the two.

Boy, I've been holding that in.  Thanks for listening.

Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 12, 2010, 11:12:37 AM
Hi All,

I could use some imput.  I've recently been concerned with the relationship I have with my in laws.  My brother in law wanted to be named co administrator of Joe's estate.  I've done so because they are all I have left of him since we had no children, and I'd like to maintain that connection.  However, I was very hurt by some comments and implications that were made in the conversation.  I sent an email to him today explaining the struggle I am going through without Joe, and that I was hurt by their idea that I might isolate them from any decisions that were made in the civil suit.  I told him that I hope he understands that we were each other's choice even though I only got a short time with him, and that my commitment was for our lifetime.  I am going to see them next Saturday.  Do you think I made a mistake sending that email?

Does anyone know anything about estate law?

Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 12, 2010, 11:23:47 AM
hi jackie,

my personal opinion is no you did not make a mistake in sending that email--i am assuming that you are the main adminstrator for joe's estate--no i do not know anything about estate law either--but you have a right to state your views as to how wish to your in-laws--and you need to keep reminding them that you want to keep the connections with joe's family open.

i wish you luck with this

penny
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 12, 2010, 09:55:03 PM
Hi Jackie,
   I don't think that you did anything wrong,  don't give to much power to anyone, you should be in charge of the estate. sometimes people get funny when it comes to money or things, just be careful,
Good Luck
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: poppy on June 12, 2010, 10:34:58 PM
Hi,

I am a teacher also. I completely understand about how hard it is to go back to school. I know it was what I needed to do but it was torture having to go back and face everything. My husband had just retired from teaching and we worked for different districts. I can't imaging having to go to the same school you had both worked at. Part of my problem is everyone trying to be so nice in some ways makes it harder for me. And the kids telling me he will always be in my heart. I love them but it is sooo hard. I have to believe that he is waiting for me and that we will be together again.

I will pray for you, Poppy
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 14, 2010, 03:10:38 PM
Hi Poppy,

Going back to our school was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, although that seems to be the norm lately.  One hard thing after another.  Most people at work have been very nice, but isolate myself to our friends.  They make me laugh.  The students were wonderful, but they are who they are, and teenagers keep you busy.  Today was the last day of classes.  It's the day we all look forward to.  Time for freedom.  Now I have nothing to look forward to.  He would have been so happy today.  The beginning of summer.  I've been in tears or on the verge of tears all day.

This time of year was also personal for us.  We started dating on the last day of class.  Every year I celebrated with champagne, I invited him over.  We'd never been a part since.  The date was June 13 (we were going to have a wedding on Aug 13).  Joe forgot our first anniversary.  He argued that our anniversary was the last day of classes, it didn't matter what date that was.  He was some piece of work.  I loved every second, just to observe his thinking.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to drink champagne with him.  Some friends came with me.  Then I went to a concert with friends.  For the first time, in what seems like forever, I felt him.  I saw signs.  I can't believe he isn't here today.  I don't see a way out of this pain.

I hope the end of work is better for you.

 
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 14, 2010, 08:23:38 PM
Hi Jackie,
    I am happy that you had your glass of champagne with your love, and happy that you felt him, he will be back, I am sure of it, just keep asking him to come back.  Do you have any plan for your summer now that school is over,. it is hard to stay home and be alone, we are not used to it, try to find things to keep busy.  Maybe even volunteer 1 or 2 days a week, we have to keep trying, it is so scary.
Take care
karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 16, 2010, 01:04:11 PM
I'm lost.  Last night I was on the phone with my 82 year old grandmother until midnight.  My grandfather passed away 3 years ago this August.  She is still in extreme pain.  The lonliness.  The loss of your routine.  I understand her better now that I'm a widow too.  I describe myself as such to try and force myself to believe it.  Yesterday the clerk at the store proofed me when I bought cigarettes and beer.  He was shocked to see I'm 31, he thought 21.  I wasn't angry, but I told him "that's funny, I'm a widow."  It doesn't feel natural to be a widow at such a young age.  As a historian I know that it was always very normal, but with the ever maturing medical technology it seemed like a thing of the past.  I looked forward to growing old with Joe.  I had that image of two old people reading the newspaper.  Sometimes I'm envious of those who got to grow old together, those who were able to raise a child together.  I wish I was 82.  It wouldn't be long until I could see Joe again.  I know the "grass always looks greener" cliche‘,  but I feel so cheated.  I was 28 when Joe and I started dating.  I'd dated a lot before him.  He was the right man for me.  I felt so complete.  I was happier than ever.  Why were we jipped? 
There are so many things I want to do to honor him, but at the same time I have to be realistic.  I am going to get the car, but there is so much more.  I want to read.  Everything with Joe was books!  I've around 2,000 books.  He read almost all of them.  He carried around a black book to keep lists of books he loved and those he wanted to read.  I want to read them all, but I don't know where to start.  I want something sad, something to purge me.  I want to write a book.  Joe had a "manuscript" and I want to add our story to it, but the memories are hard.  I want to go to Africa.  That's where he said was the one place he would go if he knew it was the last.  What's yours?
I hope I can do these things for him, but I'm also afraid to fail him.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 16, 2010, 07:58:25 PM
Hi Jackie,
     That is a great idea, you should write your story and add it to his manuscript,  wow he loved to read 2000 books and lists,  that is so nice, I wish that I could read more, I just don't have the time, but I might be able to read more now, when Johnny was here we were always doing things, now all i have is time. so sad, I miss him so so much,
 Good Night
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 17, 2010, 11:04:29 AM
Jackie,

I agree with karen you should finish your story and maybe some day try to publish it--that is a lot of books to read--i couldnt even come close to that even if i had the strength to even try to get close to that number

penny
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 17, 2010, 03:10:31 PM
Hi Karen and Penny,
Joe was truly amazing...he averaged three books a week, often reading multiple books at once.  He really lived his life for the day.  All the years of facing cancer and death made him extraordinary.   Sometimes when I think of adding to his story I'm afraid that my words will be completely inadequate to describe the experience of knowing Joe.  His smile, his laugh, the vibe he projected.  He would enter a room, become the center of attention, and once his show was over he'd say, "let's go home now, just us."  So often his living for the moment worried me.  I was always afraid that we wouldn't be prepared for the future, retirement.  He'd say, "Jackie, I'm never going to retire."  It hurt just to hear him say it.  Now I realize he was right, people should do what they want.
I went to look at cars today.  He always joked about me buying him a car (he loved to spend money, and he loved presents even more), I guess I'm trying to buy him a car he would love.  "They" say we shouldn't  make any major decisions for the first year, but how do we know we have that long?  Joe would say, "who's they" and in unison we'd say, "the Chinese" (being that 1 of every 6 people on the planet is Chinese).  This was one of our daily exchanges.
I can't believe we're never going to share them again.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 18, 2010, 04:48:16 PM
Hi Penny and Jackie,
     I think that Joe had the right idea, live for today, my husband also used to say don';t worry, everything will work out, I cant believe that we are saying these things, it is just so sad,  I almost understand about your Joe, Johnny was the same type of person, he would walk into a room and be able to talk about anything, he was so smart, not bookwise, but he just knew about everything, he could fix anything, and he was so smart, even though he didn't even finish high school.
     I had my cousins over today, it was very nice, I love them, they are so understanding, but I miss him so much,I went to a grief counseling meeting  last night and I don't know if that is what i need, maybe i will try one on one, I don't know
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 18, 2010, 05:27:57 PM
Penny,

Try anything.  Most wonderful ideas came from people who were willing to try anything.
Jackie

Today was a really long and emotional day.  At this point I say the same thing about every day.  What is happening?  Where am I?  Where is my life?  I'm 31, finally married to the most amazing man anyone could ever be with.  Now I'm widowed.  Where was my happiness?  It was too short,.  This is too much pain for one person. 
He would spend hours on the computer.  He investigated everything, reviewed books, browsed artwork.  He loved the Blackberry because he could look up baseball stats during a game, he could search ebay from work.  He was a stoner but accompished more than most.  He was always trying to make up lost time.
"Drift Away"...Stones.    I listen to music. . . .memories. . . .feelings I can't vocalize.   Joe loved music about as well as he loved books.  Knew about it, the genisus, the soul, the appreciation.   From Opera to Reggae, his library of music is about as extensive of his book library. 
How can I ever honor the man he was?  I feel inadequate at preserving his memory.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 19, 2010, 10:59:49 AM
thank jackies--but today is not a good day for to try anything--i hate saturdays and i just barely can get through them--i have to work on saturdays and i keep telling my boss that saturdays are the worst day of the week for me because just like clock work the down pour starts at 1020am and i dont like being around people--its not as though my day doesnt start out tearful but as the day goes on it just gets worse

penny
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 20, 2010, 08:54:14 PM
Hi Jackie,
    Hope you got through the weekend OK, I know that it is the toughest, that is when we really know that we are alone, especially now that it is summer and everyone is out, all you see is couples, and it hurts my heart,  even though we were married so long we always held hands when we were out, we just loved each other so much, it's just not fair.
Good night
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 21, 2010, 04:50:54 PM
hi Jackie,

i hope you are having a better day than i am--these last 3 days have been really rough on me--my mind is racing all over the place and i cant concentratre on 1 thing--ive been crying all day long--i hope yesterday went ok for you--for mine did not--i hope you are having a better day then i am

take care
penny
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 22, 2010, 07:12:58 PM

Penny and All,
Thanks Penny.  Every day is a struggle.  I'm not sure if any of us can really focus.  There are so many little things that need to be done, but I can only focus on the big things.  The empty feeling, the questions.
I went to Joe's favorite Coney Island experience. . .the Mermaid Parade.  It was hard being there without him. . .wanted to exchange perceptions.  After, my mom and grandmother went to my mother in law's.  Things went smoothly.
My sister in law had surgery today.  It made me very nervous.  It was storming here. . .the same way it was the last night I still had hope that Joe would make it.
Tomorrow is three months since Joe left me.  I am going to court to see the man who caused this, then I plan to visit the cemetery.
I hope you have a better day!
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 22, 2010, 07:37:40 PM
Hi Jackie,
    Coney Island, I don't live to far away from there, wow it is a small world.
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 23, 2010, 08:20:04 PM
I'm in Dyker Heights.  Joe was a brooklynite. . .loved all of it.

Today was another court proceeding, as well as making three months without him.  It was horrible.  First I was stuck in N.Y. traffic and running late.  The defense attorney was over two hours late.  His aunt and maybe cousin were there.  They were crying, the defendant was crying, i was crying.  What right do they have to cry?  At least they can still have a conversation with him.  My Joe is gone.  The life I chose is gone.
I'm questioning every belief and thought I've ever had.  I looked the man's aunt in the face and said, "he killed my hsband."  I don't know if she understood the English, but I had to say it.  They were trying to get an in court visitation.  I thought, how can they talk to him when I can't talk to Joe?  I wanted to tell the sargeant that, but the ADA escorted me out before I could.

I went to the cemetary after court.  I cried to Joe.

Sorry so depressing,
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: BillL on June 24, 2010, 09:43:00 AM
Jaxsaint I have been reluctant to reply to you up til now but I just had to convey my absolute heartfelt condolences on the passing of your wonderful husband; and also what you had to go through yesterday.  From your story I can only muster the bare minimum of sympathy myself for the man who did this, if any.  He made the decision to do what he did, he's got to live with it. 

IMO alcohol should be used in moderation (holidays, special occasions.)  People who turn to it as a crutch or way of life are ruining their lives, and others.  I get disgusted when it is described as a "disease."  People with diabetes don't kill people with cars.

Cigarettes are not as bad, but they did kill my Dad (I had a very bad week last week as I experienced painful delayed grief and guilt - even though  my Dad passed 3  1/2 years ago.

I wish you a soulful and hopeful gradual readjustment to life and if there is anything I can do, just write.

Bill 
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 24, 2010, 11:06:14 AM
hi Jaclie,

sorry to hear that court didnt go so well--it is so unfair that some people can still have a conversation with their loved ones as to where we cannot--we didnt ask for this and we shouldn't have to be the ones to suffer--it is so hard to be here with out our loved ones--our lives destroyed forever--

penny
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 24, 2010, 08:23:00 PM
Hi Jackie,
    What a bad day you must of had, that had to be so hard to see his family, I could only imagine how I would of felt, It would of been hard for me to not say anything,  I am glad they escorted you out, because it could easily escalate. It is good that you went to the cemetary afterward, I am sorry, it really isn't fair that they can talk to him,  the whole thing is just so unfair.  I hope tomorrow is a little better for you,  I live in Bensonhurst. small small world.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on June 26, 2010, 08:34:05 PM
Thank you all for your support. 
It's been a busy few days.  Yesterday was graduation.  My mother-in-law came.  The students and faculty were amazing in their tributes to Joe.  The faculty created a scholarship for two students in the robotics program through their own donations.  I presented the award and gave a speech.  I was actually able to get through it.  Here is what I said:
I'm here today to present a scholarship award in memory of my husband, Joseph Boffa, to two deserving robotics students.
   First, I'd like to thank the seniors for their support and congratulate you on your accomplishment.  He would be proud of you.  I'd also like to thank the faculty for their generosity in creating this scholarship, and their continued encouragement.
   Joe believed in the robotics program for many reasons.  You see, my husband wanted to live forever and he forecasted that robotics would be the key to creating this future world.  For Joe, the robotics program also represented a model for humanity.  Within the program students from diverse cultures and backgrounds work together and yet compete to be better all the time.  The two students receiving this award today have consistently demonstrated these qualities.
   Seniors, why this happened is one question I cannot answer.  Here is how I think my husband would process it.  Life is precious, but often difficult.  Yet, because it is the be all and end all, it has value above all else.  Even with all the pain and suffering his life consisted of, he could light up the darkest room at the darkest hour.  Joe was the most human person I've ever known.  He was compassionate, and as cynical as he may have appeared, he truly believed in the reverence for life.
   Please go forward with these few thoughts. . .Live every moment to the fullest extent, love deeply and laugh.  Respect one another because we are all one.  Learn, read, be better, challenge yourself to think.  Rail against injustice.  Be who you are at all times.  Fight inhumanity.
Zuleimie and Shakeria.  You were his secretaries.  You have both already demonstrated a keen understanding of much of the advice  I've given today.  Please continue to pay it forward in your actions.  I love you both and I know your contributions will make this world a better place.  Please come up and accept the first Joseph Boffa Memorial Scholarship.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on June 27, 2010, 06:45:25 PM
that was wonderful
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 15, 2010, 05:07:39 PM
Hi All,
I've been away for over a week.  I drove to Florida to get away from what has become my life for a little while.  I spent a week with my dad and brothers in Orlando.  I hadn't been to Disney since I was a little girl.  Honestly, the entire experience was more of the same surrealism  I've been going through since Joe died.  I've never spent that much time with my dad and brothers.  After Orlando I continued south and stayed with an old friend.  The truth is that he was once more than a friend, he was the first man I ever loved.  He helped shape me.  We started talking again after Joe died.  He is my go to person when something bad happens; I can blame him, get angry, and generally be myself without having to worry what people must think.  It was strangely comfortable.  I haven't felt that since I lost Joe.
All in all, it was a good trip.  Coming home is what has been hard.  Even though 90% of me knew Joe wouldn't be here there was still that 10% that hoped.  When does that go away?  I miss him so much, and the reality check of mail and phone calls sometimes smacks me in the face.  Mail about his insurance came, and the idea of money that we can't travel with together hurts.  Everything I wanted to do was with him.  I'm feeling disgusted with what had become my reality.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 19, 2010, 07:18:48 PM
Yesterday was Joe's niece's wedding.  Church was really difficult, especially during the petitions part when they prayed for him.  He should've been there.  We should be having our own wedding in a month from now.  Honestly, I'm so happy we got married before the wedding.  I'm so glad I didn't fight him on that.  I just wish we got to celebrate in a grand way.  I love him so much and I miss him like crazy.  There are so many things we never got to do.  People say things like, "at least you're young."  I know they're just reacting to their own fears, but they don't seem to realize that for me it just means more time without him.  They don't see that for me it means more time to carry this pain.  Like somehow my youth and looks are supposed to make this any less painful.
   
I'm afraid to be alone for a long time.  I'm afraid of not being alone for a long time. 
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 19, 2010, 07:37:28 PM
Hi Jackie,
   It dosen't matter how old you are, if you truly love someone this is the pain we have to suffer when they are gone, that is why I always hoped to go first, but it is not up to us as we see.  It is very hard for me to function without him, but i try and try, only so that each day will pass and it will bring me closer to the time that i will be with him again. I don't know what to say, this is a horrible journey that we shouldn't have to take, it just isn't fair. No one should be in this pain and sadness, I just wish that it would be my time and that is the end of it.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 21, 2010, 03:45:03 PM
Karen,
I feel like I'm just waiting till it's my time to see him again.  I was discussing with some girlfriends today at lunch who have also suffered loss that I feel like I'm dead.  They said they had felt like that also.  They recommended doing things to remind myself that I am alive.  Sometimes I fantasize that 2012 will actually happen.  How morbid is that!  I wonder, what life lessons do I still have to learn before I can be with him again?  I'm 31 and wishing my life away.  My husband would be so angry with me!  He believed, "life is for the living."  He wished for the years that cancer had taken from him and he wouldn't want me to give them away.  I just wish I could talk to him and hear what he wants me to do.  It's going to be 4 mos. on Friday and I still feel like I'm in a bad dream.
Hope things are better with you.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 21, 2010, 07:57:18 PM
Hi Jackie,
  All those things you said, i told the therapist, that is how i feel, maybe this is how we are supposed to feel at this point in our grieving, I just don't know. and I can't see it ever getting any better. I also feel dead inside. I do hope the therapy helps,  and the breathing for the yoga really relaxes me. although it is temporary it is still for a little bit.
   Well hope you have a peaceful evening,
Take care
hugs
karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: poppy on July 22, 2010, 05:23:37 PM
Does anyone ever feel like their heart is going to explode from hurting so much. I find my chest actually hurting and I feel myself sighing all the time. Is this normal?

Poppy
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 22, 2010, 07:19:37 PM
Hi Poppy,
    Yes it is normal, I get anxiety in my chest and throat, and i do sigh a lot that is a sign of depression, Have you spoke to your family doctor about it. I did, and my pressure was really high, which i never ever had  before, not the reason for sighing,  sighing is usually sadness, and depression.  Talk to your doctor.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 22, 2010, 08:46:51 PM
Karen,

I'm so sorry that you feel the same way I do.  Today I told my therapist that I need to feel this way for longer.  A friend of mine said that she told her husband that if she were to die she would want him to find a nice woman to be with.  While I believe my husband would want me to be happy, I feel I owe him more grief.  I'm sad for both of our lives.  I travel between self pity and incredulousness.  How could this happen o him?  How could this happen to me?

I miss the communication.  I'm so in need of his council.  I've made an appointment with a medium in the area.

Hope tomorrow is better.

Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 23, 2010, 07:33:39 PM
Hi Jackie,
     I hope the therapist can guide us through this, it is terrible, the past 2 weeks have been extra bad for me, don;t know why.
     I am happy that you are going to a medium,. I would do it again in a heartbeat, he was so good, I listen to it over and over, and always hear a little something i missed,  I think it will bring you some comfort, I hope so.
    It is going to be so hot tomorrow, I can;t believe it, this is a terrible summer, although I am not looking forward to a dark depressing winter, feeling the way we do.
    Take care
   Keep cool
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 25, 2010, 10:13:09 AM
All,
Yesterday I spend the hot day trying to organize the kitchen and closets.  I hate the kitchen!  It feels so empty.  Joe always made fun of my OCD about dishes. . .now even going in there to wash dishes is a project.  So yesterday I decided to try and make it more of my own.  Joe would clutter up half the counter with ingredients he regularly used in cooking.  I would always try to put them in cabinets.  We would play the passive aggressive game until I just let him do it.  Now those things are away.  I also ordered a new bathroom linen set and a new duvet set.  I'm sick of looking at everything.  Most things though I can't bring myself to touch.  I also hung the crucifix from his coffin above our bed.  I'm waiting for him to voice his displeasure. . .nothing yet.

Karen,
I'm hoping the medium is helpful.  I have to wait to September though for my appointment.  This heat is out of control.  The funny thing is Joe would love it.  It couldn't be too hot for him, me, I like the spring and fall.  I'm afraid of a winter without him.  The holidays, our anniversary and our birthdays are all winter events.  Then March....
I try to take things one day at a time, but future events pop into my head.  I'm not sure, but there may be a trial this spring.  Friday made 4 months and I'm still struggling to accept that it happened. 
Take care and stay in the AC.
Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 25, 2010, 04:26:32 PM
Hi Jackie,
     My Johnny also did most of the cooking since he retired, I was not so picky, so whatever he made was good for me, and he did a good job.
      Today I met some friends on SI, went to the tibetan museum, it was very nice, then went to eat in portobello, and while we were waiting for out dinner, what do you think happened, mine and johnny's song comes on, I thought i would faint, it was just so sad, I know that he was there with me, just so weird,
Take care
hugs
karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on July 30, 2010, 06:52:26 PM
Penny,

Sometimes, when I'm having a good day, something reminds me. . .a song, something on the menu. . .something in the news.  I'm really trying to live, but sometimes I feel guilty for that.

Jackie
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on July 30, 2010, 09:30:17 PM
Jackie,
  I know what you mean, 
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on August 02, 2010, 09:23:33 PM
Hi Jackie,
   How are you?, I was o k, up until tonight, I am really in a down spiral, trying to gather my strength but feel real lousy today,  it will be 4 months august 6, maybe that is what is bothering me, i don't know. I just miss him so much, I just can't stand it. I need him to come home.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on October 23, 2010, 01:21:31 PM
I haven't been here for a while.  It has now been 7 months.  Sometimes I feel like my marriage to Joe was just a dream.  We had so little time.  I've been focusing on creating the life that I want, but I'm having a difficult week.  I've realized that I can choose to live, and I'm so thankful for that gift.  Yet, that doesn't mean life is easy.  This week was another court date.  The man who killed my husband is still in jail, but it's looking more and more like a trial this winter.  My in laws are concerned about money and being very manipulative with me.  That hurts.  Within the last few months I began talking to an ex-boyfriend of mine.  My first love.  It seemed like maybe there was a possibility of us working it out.  I've been trying to create that possibility, but grieve properly for my husband as well.  I've had guilt around it, and been unwilling to let my husband go.  However, I wanted to create the possibility for happiness and partnership in my future.  This week I realized that possibility would not be found in this relationship.  He does not want children, and I'm very clear that I do.  This new loss brings the lonliness and loss of Joe to the forefront for me.  I haven't been able to let go of Joe yet and now I have to let go of someone else that I love.  I'm sad and afraid. 
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: closs86 on November 02, 2010, 08:10:04 PM
Hi Jackie,
    I also haven't been here for a while, It is going to be 7 months for me also, can't believe it,  I am sorry that your hopes are not working out, I do know that the bereavement groups always say not to rush into any relationships, even though he was an old love, be careful, you are very vulnerable right now.  I wish you the best. I am also having a lot of ups and downs, with the holidays around the corner, it is a little scary for me, my kids and grandkids needing me and I don't think I can be there for them this year. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up Jan 2,
take care
hugs karen
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: SarahW on November 03, 2010, 01:14:32 PM
I haven't been here for a while.  It has now been 7 months.  Sometimes I feel like my marriage to Joe was just a dream.  We had so little time.  I've been focusing on creating the life that I want, but I'm having a difficult week.  I've realized that I can choose to live, and I'm so thankful for that gift.  Yet, that doesn't mean life is easy.  This week was another court date.  The man who killed my husband is still in jail, but it's looking more and more like a trial this winter.  My in laws are concerned about money and being very manipulative with me.  That hurts.  Within the last few months I began talking to an ex-boyfriend of mine.  My first love.  It seemed like maybe there was a possibility of us working it out.  I've been trying to create that possibility, but grieve properly for my husband as well.  I've had guilt around it, and been unwilling to let my husband go.  However, I wanted to create the possibility for happiness and partnership in my future.  This week I realized that possibility would not be found in this relationship.  He does not want children, and I'm very clear that I do.  This new loss brings the lonliness and loss of Joe to the forefront for me.  I haven't been able to let go of Joe yet and now I have to let go of someone else that I love.  I'm sad and afraid. 

Hi, Jackie.

I just joined, because of my son's death, but I also lost my husband, many years ago (over 25 yrs, now).

I remember these feelings.  It was so hard to accept and move on, but I just wanted to tell you that it will get better. 

It is extremely hard to get new relationships going while you are still grieving so much. It is hard even for people who are at their best, much less after you have been dealt such an awful blow.

Believe me, when it came to relationships, I made many errors, and experienced several disappointments along the way. My judgment suffered for quite awhile.  I admire your wisdom in making the right decision, and not settling for someone who doesn’t meet your needs, despite your pain, and knowing you would experience yet another sense of loss.

All my best.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on January 26, 2011, 06:50:09 PM
I read my Victim's Impact Statement Yesterday and am including that in this post.  My mother-in-law forgave the man in court.  It has been splashed all over the NY Daily News and the NY Post with many inaccurate details.  Maybe if my mother-in-law had attended court in the proceeding months while I was alone she may have rethought her statement.  Instead she decided to show more compassion to the man that murdered her son than her daughter-in-law.  I'm furious!  Instead she walked out while I delivered the following statement:

Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen:
   I am thankful for the opportunity to introduce my husband Joe.  A person should know the man they killed.  I have sat in this courtroom for the last nine months watching and listening.  Today I get to speak about a different side of this crime.  Instead of Joe just being the "victim,"  today he can be a man.  As a man Joe wore many different hats.  He was a son, brother, friend, teacher and husband.  He was extraordinary.  When you took his life you took the rest of ours.  The decisions and choices you made on March 19, 2010 have changed our lives forever. Joe was the most unique man I ever met.  I thank God everyday that I had the opportunity to know him as a husband, friend and colleague.  I used to call him a “piece of work,” and he was in the best sense of expression.  He was strong and determined and gentle and compassionate.   He lived his life in big ways.  He struggled through illness and addiction, but dedicated his life to service and contribution.  I’ve also had the misfortune to see how his loss has impacted those who love him and those who were changed because of him.  There are many great possibilities that will never occur because Joe isn’t here to contribute to the world.
   Joe was a model for humanity.  Throughout his life Joe confronted struggles that would break a lesser man’s spirit.  Instead of becoming a victim Joe became an inspiration by empowering himself and others.  Joe was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  This was Joe’s first struggle with cancer.  He was only 20 years old and told that there was about a 5% chance that he would make it to 25.  Dr. Rosenthal immediately began treatment and was able to get Joe involved in an experimental program.  As a result of the experimental drug Joe survived after lapsing into a coma.  He would not let the disease beat him.  He lost the first few years of many to illness.
   A few years later Joe found out that as a result of the non-Hodgkin’s he was susceptible to Leukemia.  In his mid twenties Joe underwent a bone marrow transplant.  For eleven months his was kept in isolation with only two weeks out of the hospital.  He beat it again, but lost more years to cancer.  By the time I met Joe, as he was turning 40, he had been through two surgeries to remove tumors on his rectum and skin cancer for a total of 9 surgeries.  In the same years Joe completed two Associates degrees and a Bachelor’s.  Strength. Joe was the embodiment of strength. He fought. He overcame. At that time he began to fight another battle with the disease that had already claimed much of his adult life.  It was another bought with rectal cancer.  He returned to work early after the surgery.  Joe would grieve for the lost years of his life every night, but he greeted each morning with joy.  Remembering his determination to live is the only thing that keeps me going now.  I cannot expect any less of myself than he did of himself.
   Last year Joe won another battle with cancer.  This time it was prostate cancer.  We had just gotten engaged when he got the diagnosis.  He was petrified.  He lost so many years of his life to this disease and he was afraid the side effects would alter his ability to enjoy life and provide for me.  After the surgery he pushed himself.  He refused to succumb; he refused to be a victim to the disease.  Instead, we looked forward to creating our life together.  Again, he fought. He overcame. We planned a wedding for August of 2010, and began to talk about eventually bringing a child into our life.  Joe didn’t want to wait to be married and so on the last day of 2009 we committed to a lifetime together.  That lifetime would only be two and a half months because of the decision you made. This time his ability to fight was stripped from him. He didn’t have the opportunity to fight or to overcome- and that is because you killed him.
   Throughout his struggles Joe developed a love of reading. Before he was killed he had collected around 2,000 books and read 90% of them.  He often gave students in the high school where we worked his personal books, and chose them specifically for each student.  He dedicated his service as a teacher to inspiring student’s love of books. As a teacher Joe often went the extra mile for his students.  As one friend and colleague wrote,  "My friend Joe exemplified the diverse roles that teachers must take on when faced with five classes of 34 teenagers daily.  Like Broadway actors, teachers must “go on” or perform five different plays a day.  Joe was expert at grabbing and sustaining his students’ interest in Social Studies.   His teaching style was gregarious, sometimes outrageous but never boring.  Inside the classroom or in the hallways as a Dean, Joe could quickly diffuse a tense situation with his wacky sense of humor or his “realness” and honesty.  Teenagers are experts at knowing when they are being talked down to or lectured.  That was never Joe’s way with the students."  Joe's contribution to the students went beyond the classroom and the halls of Grady High School.  Joe organized a sweet sixteen for one needy student who didn't have a family who cared to recognize the important milestone in her life.  He went grocery shopping for students who couldn't afford it themselves.  Joe was gifted with the ability to make everyone he met feel like they mattered, and there is no greater gift than that.  For many of our students it was that gift that gave them the motivation to keep going.  To know that with whatever afflicted them at the moment they could accomplish great things for themselves and others.  Who will do that now?  How could one man's callous decision take away such an important contribution to the world?
Here I am about to pour my heart out to a complete stranger.  What's worse is that complete stranger is responsible for the worst pain I have ever felt.  That same stranger took the light out of my life and has turned me into a shell of the person I once was.  Here I am about to look into the face of the man who destroyed my hopes, my dreams, my life and tell him my inner most feelings.
   Everyday I long for numbness.  I want to detach from the world.  Now I need to do the opposite.  I need to let the pain, loss and anger in so that I can give it verbal expression.  Do you have any idea how much that goes against basic human survival instincts?  I have become the "surviving spouse," at least that is what the endless paperwork I've had to fill out calls me.  I don't want to survive.  Joe was the survivor, I'm the type that wants to curl up into a ball and die.  Waking up each morning is a prison sentence.  Yes, just as you await your sentence, know that you have given me one that will last for the rest of my life.
   On March 19th I woke up to a world of possibility.  "Oh, the places we would go. . ."  The plans we had.  A wedding followed by Hawaii.  Africa, Europe, Asia, the world was open for us.  A baby.  How I long for that baby.  A piece of Joe, if only I could have something left in this world that was a part of him.  Days filled with warmth, sunshine and love.  He would've been an amazing father.  Instead of looking into the eyes of our child I see our nieces and nephews.  Will they remember the squeals of laughter as he picked them up and spun them around?  Some are older, and have the joy of memories.  Others are barely out of infancy.  Our niece Marlena looks at our picture and says "Jackie and Joe."  How long will that recognition last?  She will never remember the excitement Joe had at her christening, that in a year she would have been walking down the aisle at our wedding.
   On March 19th I woke up to the possibility of time.  Time to laugh, talk and touch.  Joe loved to be touched.  He loved having his head rubbed.  In the end that was difficult to do because of the wounds.  There he was, broken, and I couldn't even comfort him the way he always wanted.  Instead, there he was hooked up to machines.  Cold, hard steel coming from his head.  The sound of the machines will never disappear from my memory.  Numbers, I hate numbers, but for the four days he was hooked up to those machines I lived and breathed numbers.  Brain pressure, blood pressure, day and night I kept a vigil of hope.  Why his brain?  Anything but his brain.  It was the only part of his body that hadn’t betrayed him.
   March 18th of 2010 was the last night I spent with my husband.  It was the evening of parent teacher conferences at our school.  We came home for our dinner break, something unusual as we normally spent the time with friends from work.  Joe had taken out food to cook.  He enjoyed his time in the kitchen and took pride in his culinary creations.  Sometimes he even took pictures of the meals he presented.  The kitchen was his, but I loved helping him.  He would play music, usually Opera, as he poured himself into preparing our meals.  He often recalled that as a teenager he made fun of his father’s love of opera, to which his father replied, “get some class.” He did.  That night he realized that the food he had taken out to defrost was not what he intended to make.  Instead we ordered a pizza.  Who knew that the next day he would be struck by the defendant in front of the very restaurant we had ordered the pizza from?  That night Joe tucked me into bed and said, “Don’t you know I’ll never leave you?”
   I left Joe behind that morning when I left for work.  It was March 19th; St. Joseph’s Day.  Joe had a doctor’s appointment that day at Sloan Kettering for a check up on his blood pressure.  Normally I would kiss him goodbye before I left.  That morning I didn’t.  Joe had been complaining about his lack of sleep caused by the incontinence he suffered after prostate surgery.  I watched him sleeping peacefully and didn’t want to disturb him.  I would never see him conscious again.  I walked my bike down the stairs and began my ride to work.  At around 10:30 am I called him to see how things went at the doctor.  Going to Sloan always made him nervous.  He was still waiting to see the doctor.  We exchanged “I love you” and he said, “I’ll see you later.”  He never did.   That afternoon I called Joe before I left work; no answer.  I biked a different route home.  This new path took me passed the scene of the accident a half hour before my husband was savagely left in the street by the defendant.  I think about that all the time now.  I called him again when I got home; it was 3:08 pm.  Still Joe didn’t answer.  I called again at 4 pm; still no answer.  At 4:30 pm my phone rang while I was outside with my friend, colleague and neighbor waiting for Joe to come home.  The voice asked, “Do you know a Joseph Boffa”?  I said, “Yes, that’s my husband.”  The voice on the other side told me that my husband was hit by a car and could I get to Lutheran Medical Center.  Evelyn grabbed her keys and we left. 
   When I arrived at the hospital the Social Worker came out to escort me back.  She informed me that Joe was hit by a drunk driver.  I asked if he was stable.  She said no.  I kept denying it saying, “No, this isn’t happening.  We just got married, this can’t be happening.”  Then they wheeled him out in front of me.  The bandages around his head were soaked with blood.  I gave authorization to have a monitor screwed into his brain.  His brain, his most prized procession.   The days and nights that followed are a nightmare that I never woke up from.  Hope, there had to be hope.  Not him.  He was invincible, hadn’t he proven that already.  I believed it.  Why his brain?  Anything else, but why his brain?  I spent the following days talking to him, touching him (he loved that), and reading his favorite books to him.  Day and night; I couldn’t tell the difference anyway.
     On March 23rd we gathered as a family to say goodbye.  I crawled into bed with him, my head on his chest.  I felt his breath slow, I felt his heart slow.  I sobbed and it started again.  He left me at 3:15pm, the exact time the bell rang dismissing us from work.
   How do I describe what this loss feels like?  The loneliness I feel.  I could barely walk into the kitchen for the first five months.  It is empty, Joe is missing.  I touch his pots, pans and chef's knife, the sacred objects of his life, a life that no longer exists.  The most basic of chores, cooking, cleaning, taking out the garbage are enough to bring back the pain in an instant that I try so hard all day to numb. 
   Each night I go to bed and instead of my husband next to me I have a picture and the cross that covered his coffin.  The only way I sleep now is by stuffing his side of the bed with pillows in an effort to trick my body into relaxing, but in the morning reality sinks in.  Mornings are the worst for me.  Often, still drowsy with sleep, I roll over to give him a hug and kiss as I always did, only to find that he isn't there.  Reality creeps in again.  Every morning is like losing him all over again.  Nothing is harder than getting out of that bed every morning.
   Instead of making mailing labels for wedding invitations I had to send out thank you cards for attending his wake.  August 13th, the date we had chosen to celebrate our marriage with friends and family came.  Instead of choosing the flowers I would carry down the aisle, I chose the arrangement I would carry to his grave. 
   Christmas came, the day we were engaged.  Like a child I hoped and prayed for my Christmas miracle; to wake up, see Joe and know that this had all just been a terrible nightmare.  When I awoke that morning Joe wasn't next to me in bed.  I searched the apartment for him to no avail.  Another smack in the face by my enemy reality.
   Then New Year's Eve, the day we committed to a lifetime together.  There I was bringing roses to the cemetery only to find that his stone was covered by snow.  It snowed the day we were married.  It was my childhood dream come true, but when I saw the snow covering his name I sank to my knees to clear it with my bare hands.  There are no words to describe the tearing of my heart that day.
   January 4th should've been Joe's 45th birthday.  There were no candles, no cake, and no singing.  Just another visit to the cemetery.  In six days it will be my birthday and I am terrified.  I'm terrified of the prospect of living another year without him.
   I now spend most of my time in our apartment.  The truth is leaving it is a fear I haven't been able to overcome.  Together we chose the placement of every object in it and I don't have the heart to disturb it.  It is the perfect representation of two lives merging as one.  His toothbrush still sits exactly where he left it that morning.  His shoes are still lined up exactly the way he placed them.  Our apartment is a world of memories.  It is my only evidence that he really did exist, that he wasn't just a dream that vanished in the morning sun.  It is my prison, it is my shrine.
   His closet and dresser still hold his clothes.  The clothes that hold memories for me I can't bear to give away.  I  remember the pride he took when ironing them.  His wardrobe, one that no one else could ever pull off.  Joe used to joke that when I did laundry I would purposely shrink his clothes so that they would become mine.  Now I wear his clothes all the time, but they no longer carry his smell.  It's just another futile attempt to keep him close to me.
   When I do leave the apartment it is to go to work.  To go to the same place we went each morning.  That building is another place filled with reminders of what I've lost.  Every corner, every hallway another place I expect to see him.  Won't he come into the teacher's cafeteria exclaiming, "there's my beautiful wife" again? I sometimes find myself in my classroom believing that he is going to open the door, say something outrageous to get the class laughing, and that everything will be okay.  That day never comes. I rush out of the building each day because he was leaving with or without me, but when I get to the parking lot his car isn't there.  One of the hardest days was the day I returned to work. Having to look at our students and explain to them what happened broke my heart all over again.  Here it is; a man that organized a sweet sixteen for a needy student, a man that went grocery shopping for students that couldn’t afford food was stolen from the world because of someone’s callous decision.  How am I supposed to make sense of a world that could allow that to happen?  The life I chose was taken away.  Every day I struggle to remember that it doesn’t mean I’m dead, even though it often feels like I am.  I've had to apply for a medical sabbatical from work because I'm suffocating from grief.  I get no reprieve, I can't take a breath.
   You showed a profound disrespect for humanity by getting behind the wheel of a car drunk.  Then, when you struck another human being down, you left him in the street to die.  Most human beings would treat an animal with more care then you gave my husband. People try to comfort me by saying “God must have really needed Joe to take him.”  What they don’t remember is that God didn’t take my husband, you did.  When you made the decision to get in the car that day you became a weapon of mass destruction.  At least if you had murdered my husband hand to hand he could’ve defended himself.  Instead, you hit him with something he couldn’t fight, he couldn’t overcome.  Then you left him in the street to die.
   For the last nine months I have sat quietly in this courtroom and I've observed the opportunities you've had to communicate with your family, all the time knowing that I will never get that opportunity with Joe again.  That's what I miss most.  Our daily exchanges, ones that no one else knew.  How we had our own language, finished each other's sentences.  I'll never hear him say, "have I told you today that I'm crazy about you" as he did every day.  I will never see my husband again.  I will never feel his touch or hear his voice again. He will never tuck me into bed and tell me he loves me.  I will never have another conversation about a book, the news or something funny at work again.  Each New Year’s Eve I will remember the happiest day of my life and I will remember the worst day.  My life has been forever altered.  A piece of me is gone; it’s buried under the ground in Green-Wood Cemetery with my husband.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: Terry on January 27, 2011, 02:21:33 AM
Jackie,

I am so moved by your letter. I am so sorry you are having to live without Joe. I can't imagine this touching expression of love, not making a difference.

You have my love,
Terry
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: SarahW on January 27, 2011, 02:21:51 PM
Jackie:

Your Joe sounds like a truly extraordinary man.  I am so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts are with you as you move forward from this terrible tragedy; please let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on February 14, 2011, 03:56:36 PM
So today is Valentine's Day.  It was never really a big deal in our house. . .everyday was an expression of our love.  It's just that I thought about last year.  As the one year mark comes closer I find myself remembering all the lasts.  I'm so afraid of that day.  I won't be able to say "last year" followed by a happy memory.  All these sad anniversaries have taken a toll on me.  I'm on a medical sabbatical now from work to try to deal with what has happened now that criminal proceedings are over.  Honestly, I've been on the floor for the last two weeks.  I have no motivation at all.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: SarahW on February 14, 2011, 05:07:45 PM
So today is Valentine's Day.  It was never really a big deal in our house. . .everyday was an expression of our love.  It's just that I thought about last year.  As the one year mark comes closer I find myself remembering all the lasts.  I'm so afraid of that day.  I won't be able to say "last year" followed by a happy memory.  All these sad anniversaries have taken a toll on me.  I'm on a medical sabbatical now from work to try to deal with what has happened now that criminal proceedings are over.  Honestly, I've been on the floor for the last two weeks.  I have no motivation at all.

Glad to hear from you, Jackie, but sorry to hear you are so down.

Your wounds are still very fresh, and you have had to endure so much, dealing with the aftermath of your beloved Joe's death.  It isn't surprising you need some time off and are feeling so much sorrow.

I hope you are getting the support and help you need to get through this terrible time.  It's tricky business to let yourself grieve, but to also let yourself heal and find motivation and purpose again in your life.

Take the time you need, and come here anytime to share.
Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: jaxsaint on March 19, 2011, 08:38:22 AM
One Year Lament

Today is one year since Joe was hit by a drunk driver. Although he didn't take his last breath and his heart didn't stop till the 23rd, my world stopped one year ago today. Everything goes on outside, but I'm still where I was when I got that phone call from the hospital. Again, Miss Haversham. Stop all the clocks! W.H. Auden said it best, "he was my north, my south, my east and my west." How do I start my world spinning again when I can't even feel my own heart beat? How can I find my way when all directions have been lost?

Jackie

Title: Re: Where is justice?
Post by: Terry on March 19, 2011, 10:36:50 AM

Thinking of you today, Jackie and will keep you in my heart on the 23rd, missing Joe so.

Sending hugs and Love,

(((((((((((((((Jackie)))))))))))))))))

Terry