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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: leo on March 31, 2010, 07:31:10 PM

Title: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on March 31, 2010, 07:31:10 PM
Hello...I am new here and have read many of the very sad experiences...I wanted to add mine...
My beloved wife , best friend and soul mate of almost 33 years passed away 19 days ago from breast cancer...my life is so painful and such a horrible void now...I do no know what I am going to do without her...we did everything together...loved each other so much...I always wanted to treat her like a princess and make her happy all the time...we had such a beautiful life together and now she is gone from my life forever...I do not want to be without her...I see her everywhere...have been crying so much of the time...head feels like it will explode...many friends...all loved her...were in total shock when they found out a short time ago that she was ill...they have been kind but at the end of the visit or day they have their partner waiting for them...and I sense that they want to help me but I do not feel most are interested in"being around" me very long with my grief and depressed outlook...many are older and I sense the stress is too great for them ...can't say as I blame them...we didn't smoke, we ate a good diet (we thought)...were vegetarians, ...almost entirely organic...I cooked all the time, went for 2-3 mile walks almost everyday until about a year ago...she was never sick before this and was so lively...now my darn house has nothing...no meaning...I have not been sleeping well...no matter how tired I am when I go to bed I wake up...wide awake...usually 1-2 hours later and have a strange feeling...like I am expecting to hear or see something...six nights ago I went to bed and was so exhausted only to wake up 1 hour and 35 minutes later and when I looked at the clock it was her birth month with the last two digits of her birth year...couldn't get back to sleep. I have had several similar situations/coincidences?? I do have many happy memories but the feelings of pain I now have are absolutely horrible...she was only 59 and I thought we would have many more years left... now I must now watch all other couples being together and knowing that my love is gone and I can't change it...what do you do???
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: crnbrryctg on March 31, 2010, 08:07:58 PM
Hi Leo.
I'm right there with you. Lost my partner, soul mate and best friend four weeks ago. Lung cancer. Only nine months from diagnosis to when he died. And lost yet another friend just this morning. Again, cancer. It is a total shock, and you will do the best you can. Just be with it for a while. Do what works for you.
I am so sorry for your loss and understand your pain.  They say it will get better, I'm doing better than I was four weeks ago, but I have no idea what normal is any more.
It does help to know others feel the same loss and understand what you are going thru. I'm still waiting for it to get better. I haven't figured out the sleep thing yet, I wake up after a couple hours too. I try to sleep when I feel like sleeping, just to try and catch up.
It took a week or so before I could write, but I write to Jake every day, and it seems to help. Keeping all the letters in a special file so I can go back and read them if I choose. Seems to be working for me.
Again, so very sorry you are having to go thru this.

Holly
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Terry on March 31, 2010, 08:33:15 PM
((((( Leo )))))

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. And, I'd like to welcome you to webhealing where I know you will feel comfort as others understand this path you walk.

You asked.."What do you do?" We continue, but not easily to put one foot in front of the other and take all of these feelings that must feel overwhelming to you right now, and believe that in time you will be able to process them, learning ways to cope with them through the journey of grief, to healing. You've taken a huge step in doing this already by telling us your story. I know it was difficult for you.

Thank you for sharing your wife with us. It helps to keep sharing, regardless of how painful it may be at times.

Always remember, you never have to walk alone.

You have my love,
Terry
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 02, 2010, 06:33:59 AM
Thank you for your kind responses...it is now 3 weeks since my beloved wife passed away...it just seems to get worse...just want to be alone...one second I seem to be OK and the next a thought or something I see triggers me to go off an emotional cliff...I can be alone or even the few times I have been with friends... it helps me to come here and write my feelings/thoughts down...I feel that I have no sense or purpose...I do not know how anyone ever "gets through"even a little...I wander around the house aimlessly talking to my wife...we were perfect for each other...before she "left" me she looked at me and said "I love you very much...don't worry"...she is so ill and she is concerned about me worrying...the tears are overpowering...I feel so run down and tired...I have to stop for now...
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: flamingofred on April 02, 2010, 07:34:49 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
The only thing that I can say is that you need to allow yourself to go thru what you need to go through.  Nothing is right or wrong.  Feelings are feelings.
What I always use as a guide for me is the courage that my husband had in dying I only hope to show to live.

Flamingo fred
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: littleha on April 03, 2010, 05:52:39 PM
Leo I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my wife of almost 33yrs last May. I am far from perfect but it does get a little easier as time goes on. I still think of Cathy everyday and cry at some point during the day. I did find out that at some point I had to find new things to do as the 2 of us always did things together unless it had to do with work. You are still so new to this. Time is what makes things easier. Every step is a baby step. My doctor told me to read at bedtime to help me fall asleep. His suggestion was to read something boring and dull but I started to read novels like I did yrs before. I am able to fall asleep, sometimes with the light on and book sitting on my chest. At least I fall asleep.
Take care Leo
Allan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 04, 2010, 04:15:36 AM
Thank you flamingofred and littleha for your caring responses... I appreciate all...it's early morning ...I get up and I ask why I lost my Love...I've slept a little better the last few nights...some melatonin and some red wine help me get to sleep...still wake up several times during the night...got up early...this must be what hell is like...to have someone so wonderful and kind to me and  to everyone taken away from you...and you have to exist...it's 23 days...I tried watching TV last night but had to flip the channel several times because couples were hugging and saying they were happy to be with each other...during the day I look outside and remember her in the garden and I'd knock on the window to throw her a kiss...she'd throw one back....I'm sorry I can't go on...the tears are to much...I'll come back...
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: ak on April 04, 2010, 11:33:12 PM
Hi Leo. I am very very sorry for your loss.  I lost my boyfriend 7 weeks ago to suicide, and feel your pain like the one of mine. I also experenced sleeplessness and lost of appetite for nearly one month, and still feel that my world becomes empty and the space would never be filled after he's gone. I myself is still in the process of grieving, but would like you to know that you have many companies here for the journey of grief and healing, which all of us wish not to join.  Please take care and be kind to yourself.
Drop us a line when you can, and please do not remain sad all by yourself.

Love, 
ak

 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 05, 2010, 06:59:02 PM
Hello to everyone...it is now 24 very long and surreal days since I lost my Beloved...I have to say that I have been so wrapped up in my own grief that I have not told everyone how very sorry I am to have read so many tragic situations.
Thanks Ak for for your kind note... I am very sorry for your loss...today was no different for me...sadness...crying...I have been working in my wife's garden...she had so many beautiful flowers...I have been pulling weeds, pruning, talking to her and crying...almost anything sets me off...I try to go out early morning or late evening to avoid people...I just want to be alone...I know that I am stressing myself a lot and that is not good for my health...I can feel it inside me already...I do not know how much longer I can keep this up...I know my wife would want me to take care of myself...I just have to try harder for her...otherwise I am going to drive myself into a total mess in very short order...it is so hard because so much reminds me of her and the great times we had together and then I fall apart...I just get so choked up looking at one of her photos in front of me and am crying...that's all for now...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 06, 2010, 08:54:38 PM
Hello all, for me it will be 7 weeks..... And the pain is still bad.....Everyday gets harder and harder.....My husband was my life we were together all the time and now it's so lonely...I do have children so my day is a little busy but nights are the worse. I am sorry for all of our losses....................take care everyone Cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: ak on April 07, 2010, 01:32:38 AM
Hi Leo, 
How are you keeping? Have you started to get some sleep?
I think that you are the only one who knows when you are ready to move on. Everyone suffers and grieve differently, right? So take your time until you feel comfortable with whatever you do. By the way, I think your wife thanked you for taking care of her garden.

ak 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 07, 2010, 02:57:02 AM
Hello to everyone...Cecilia, I am so sorry for your loss...I hope that you find some comfort...I know the pain...it seems to get worse for me also...come to this site and write down your feelings...anything at all...it helps me a little...
AK...I had a few nights of somewhat decent sleep...but then I hit last night... awake every hour or so... got up at 4:10 am for an hour...tried to go back to bed and after being in bed a minute or two got this rush of sadness and started to cry...got up at 5:20 am and here I am...wondering what I am going to do...yesterday I went out to some stores to keep busy, bought a few things and got home about 2 and a half hours later...went outside and cut the lawn etc for about an hour and a half...after that I did some house work for a while...at 10:15 was very, very tired...thought I would sleep well...not the case...several friends have asked me to do things with them but my heart and mind are not ready...will they ever be ready??? I see my beautiful and wonderful wife everywhere...and just like that she was gone forever...do not know what I am going to do...that emotional wave is hitting me again now ...I'll come back later...try to be strong everyone...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 07, 2010, 08:23:39 AM
Thank you leo, I am sorry for all of our losses. It is so hard to believe and understand. 25 yrs. with my husband and then all gone in a second. How do we go on. I have so many roles left to play.... You see we have kids.....I hate this......The pain never ends...................Thank you all cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: ak on April 07, 2010, 06:09:30 PM
Hi Leo,  I feel like I'm choked and can't breath when I think of my boyfriend. I am bit low, today. I actually cried on my commuting train. I think the only reason keeps me going is that I don't want to leave my mother behind, thinking of the pain my boyfriend's parents sufferring.  Someday I can fake myself, but I can't handle my heavy feeling the other days. I'm sorry that I can't say anything to comfort you....


Cecila: I am very sorry for your loss. Nights were frightening for me. I kept audio books on and it helped me a little. Drop us a line when you can, and let us know how you are doing. ((((Hugs))))

ak 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 07, 2010, 06:56:16 PM
Hello to all...I hope that everyone is doing a little bit better than yesterday...I am going to relate something that happened to me today...former neighbors that I had not seen in several years, and had been in contact ( email ) with after I had lost my wife, made arrangements to stop in and see me today...they were concerned about some of my emails to them sounding very despondent...the visit last about 7 hours today...my former neighbor related a ''happening " in their neighborhood about  1-2 years ago...their friend lost his wife to breast cancer...he drank...became very despondent and 6 months later committed suicide...my friends told me please do not go down that road...call them and they will make the 3 1/2 hour drive to my house to be with me...I said that I was OK but yesterday and this AM were very down times for me...much crying...my friends really listened to me and I felt very comfortable relating my sorrow and crying again...it did comfort me a little...then I thought again about something that I posted earlier...what would our partners/spouses say to us if they knew we were contemplating something drastic??? My dear wife whom I know so well would be horrified...certainly we all grieve in our own way and at different speeds...who knows for how long...people here have stated previously there is no "right  or wrong  way"...that is true...if I was the first to "go" I would never want my beloved wife to do anything to harm herself or make herself so unhappy that she would cause a serious health problem for herself...I love her so very much and always will...the way I feel now is not having any purpose in life and so sad most of the time that I feel sometimes my heart can't take it any longer...that is OK and I am certain that I will have MANY, MANY more down days...but please "talk" to your partner and ask them how they feel about the "Lonely Road" you are taking...for all of us it is a road that we must journey on alone , unfortunately...I hope that each day will be slightly better than the one before for all of us and that everyone here is able to find some peace of mind...our loved ones are gone and that we can't change...I did work in my wife's garden again early today, talked to her, cried for her and asked for her help...her flowers are so beautiful... just as she was her whole life...she is the flower of my  life...and will always be...
goodnight everyone ...
your friend in grief
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 07, 2010, 08:28:07 PM
Thank you all for your support...I am a little better now... I can't think of any future... i am just trying to make it thru the day. I don't understand and still can't believe. any of this....denial  works better...I know i don't have a choice but to live because i have small children. But it's not really living.  It's going thru the motions.......I am so pissed. I need him back with me. Sorry to all.........................cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 08, 2010, 03:56:21 AM
Hi Cecilia, I hear what you are saying and I am experiencing most of the same feelings...I had such a beautiful person snatched from our very wonderful life...every single thing seemed perfect...now I am going through the motions...I do not know what to do and I want her back...friends try to comfort me but most have never suffered the loss of a spouse that was loved so much...now I am wandering aimlessly in this other world of unfortunate grieving souls...I try not to go back and say "what if "...it is an unknown that does not get me anyplace...come back here and write something no matter how little...everyone here understands and is willing to "listen"...we are all in this together and it was not of our own choosing...keep trying no matter how little...as soon as it there is a little more light outside I am going to work in "her garden"...I have so much to do there...oh the tears...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 08, 2010, 02:57:34 PM
Thank you all. I am stuck on what if's and why.....He was only 40.. we had so much planned.Today is not a good day. I don't see it getting any better.Why did he leave us? Why ?
I no no=one can answer but i'm going crazy with thoughts today....How I miss him. he was my bestfriend. sorry to all........................................cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 09, 2010, 10:49:09 AM
Hello to all...do not know where this is going...my head has been aching a lot...sadness and sorrow seem to be intensifying more and more each day...feel overwhelmed...I talk to my wife a lot...friends want to do things but I just want to be alone...like everyone here we had so many plans and just like that she is gone and everything else has vanished...and I am powerless to do anything about it...I come here and write down my feelings but nothing really changes...I know that I have said ask your partner how she/he feels about the lonely road that we are all taking and what we are doing to ourselves...but after that nothing really changes no matter what anyone says when they try and console us...I don't know what to say anymore...I did not get out to work in her garden this AM...I got to bed very late and am tired today...it is 28 days today since my beautiful wife left this world...and here I sit alone...maybe tomorrow will be a little bit better...
I hope that AK, Allan, Cecilia, FlamingoFred, Holly, Terry and everyone else are doing OK and find a little peace sometime...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 09, 2010, 01:40:41 PM
Hi Leo,

Thanks for your kind reply to my post.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife.  It is now almost 7 weeks since my darling Charlie passed away from an aggressive brain tumor, and I am still not able to function.

We are both in a place that neither of us ever wanted to be in or asked for (for me, it is again). 

As I sit here on my computer on this spring afternoon, I can hear the birds chirping outside, and I guess that should make me feel hopeful and cheerful, but it does not.  It only reminds me of how Charlie and I were planning our spring garden only a few months ago and how much I miss our walks together. We walked every day for three miles in our community.  He was so healthy and full of energy, and I believed for sure that I would go before he did.

I tried a support group this week run by the local hospice.  I felt I needed to go since I have no family, only a few close friends for support, and I have been avoiding them as I do not wish to burden them with my grief.  I was supposed to go to lunch with one of them this week, and I begged out at the last minute.  I just knew I couldn't handle it, that I would probably be spilling tears in my lunch.  Thank goodness she is one of those friends who understands. 

The people in the support group were all very nice and understanding except one woman who felt she needed to be my friend and ended up completely unnerving me with her mindless and cheerful chatter.  I will try to avoid her if I return.

I am sharing the same sleep disturbances as you.  I am so tired at night from struggling all day with these feelings.  I fall asleep soundly, then wake up abruptly an hour or two later, and my mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts.  I try to force myself back to sleep, but it is very hard.  I toss and turn all night, switching the TV on and off so as to numb my mind.  Then in the morning I can't get out of bed and end up sleeping very late and not having the energy or motivation to do anything.  Somedays I lack the energy to even get dressed.

My grief seems to come and go in waves these days.  The crying overcomes me when I least expect it, and the rest of the time I walk around numb with no feeling.  I used to love to cook and try out new dishes; now I find myself eating all the wrong things and not even caring.

My thoughts go out to all of us on this website and what we are going through.  This has to be the hardest thing we have to do in life besides facing our own mortality, and I don't think anyone can truly understand our pain unless they have gone through it themselves.   I am not a particularly religious person, and, frankly, I am a little mad at God right now for having taken Charlie from me.  I question why he only takes the good ones such as your wife, my Charlie, and my husband who died in 1998 from multiple myeloma.

Take care , Leo, and hopefully get some needed sleep.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 09, 2010, 06:40:04 PM
I too am mad at God. I know I shouldn't be...  But I just don't get it.......He was such a good man and a great husband. He is my bestfriend.....Everyday we spent together...I do beg for him to give me a sign or something. I need to know he's ok. and what happened....I don't understand......Take care all.....................love cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 09, 2010, 08:06:53 PM
Hello to all,
It is so very quiet in the house as I sit here all alone...feeling very, very despondent...two of my good friends stopped over at different times today to try and console me...it is not working...I look at some of my beloved wife's pictures...have them all over...I cry a lot...the consoling did not help at all...we have many friends and many of the couples do a lot of things separately...no one seems to have the closeness and inseparability that my wife and I had...we ha d such a good life...I feel so totally lost without her...I miss her soft touch, warm smiles and affectionate embraces...I share so many of the things that people like Jannie and Cecilia express and feel...where do I go from here?... what do I do?...what is the sense of it all?...my situation is permanent...night is very bad for me...the loneliness intensifies incredibly...I just went out to the mailbox today...the rest of the time I was inside the house...I put these postings down but ask myself what is the purpose...nothing changes and nothing will...that's the brutality of it all...nothing changes...my wife was always so kind and understanding...I miss her...it is so eerily quiet now...I want so much to be together again...has anyone experienced anything out of the ordinary in the way of contact/signs...something more than coincidences etc after their partner left this world??
I am so sad that everyone here is going through this wretched and cruel experience...I hope so much that all of us will at some time find some peace of mind...I may be remorsing too much because I feel myself going deeper into this despondency pit that I have dug for myself...it is probably best that I stop now...I keep delaying going to bed as long as I can...I stopped having a glass of wine before going to bed...the depressant effect of the alcohol on the central nervous system does not help my sleep...it was better sleep without the wine last night but still not great...
 
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Annette on April 09, 2010, 11:20:00 PM
Hi, Leo,

This is my first time in this forum, I post in the child loss forum. I saw your post and felt prompted to read it and I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. It's hard for me to comprehend losing a spouse, but I know if will happen to myself or my husband someday. I lost my son, suddenly in a motorcycle accident almost 3 years ago and was very despondent. I had to keep remembering to live for his memory and so that others who love me won't suffer as I have suffered. Friends and family stayed with me, as they were worried for me. I saw a psychiatrist and got meds -- Xanax helped me sleep... sleeping pills were too scary (I tried two kinds). I'm now on anti-depressants. I know my life will never be the same, but do not want to kill myself, I want to honor my son.

Do you have any children that you could stay with for a while? Perhaps getting a dog for companionship might be a bit comforting, it helped me. I would crumble to the floor, crying, and my dog would come over and comfort me. And I got her for that reason... companionship, when I was all alone with the grief.

I know I've rambled. I just want to say how sorry I am and that I hope you reach out to others or something.

Love,
Annette
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 10, 2010, 05:23:00 AM
Hi Annette,
Thank you so much for your kind and feeling note...I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Michael...it seems like such a terrible burden for you to carry...I can only imagine...I sat here all alone and wept as I read your post...I would always get up very early and wait to hear my wonderful wife's footsteps come down the hallway...I wait...I wait...but they never come now...it is just me...all alone in the house...it is now my prison...we did not have any children...very little family left but they all live far away...we did have dogs but they are long gone...now it is just me...they have all left me...we tried always to enjoy everyday...I am so happy for that...I want our life back so much...it has been 29 days since my greatest loss in life...I am still in such a daze...she was younger than I am and I often told her that I wished it was me in that bed...I would gladly have traded my life for hers...the tears are blurring my eyes so but my fingers refuse to stop...we have many good friends but she was my only "real" friend...the one with whom I could confide unconditionally and grow to love her more and more each day...she was never sick and seemed so hardy...we were inseparable...I did sleep better last night...a higher dose of melatonin helped...I did wake up only once...I keep her bathrobe, that she had been wearing towards the end, on her side of the bed and hug it when I get up every morning...I can still smell her scent...I say good morning to her and cry...I wander out to the kitchen, almost in a trance, knowing that I must exist without her today...knowing that everyday it will be a repeat of the day before...I know I am wandering a lot...my thoughts are not coherent...I go from thought to thought as it comes into my mind...I guess I had better stop...
Again...thank you so much Annette...

Your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 10, 2010, 07:38:45 PM
Leo, I am hoping you are okay tonight.  I had a bad night last night (again).  Slept for about an hour and a half from 11:30 till around 1:00 am, then was awake watching TV until around 5:30 am.  I slept in until around 12:30 pm, then tried to get a few things done this afternoon.  What a life!

A friend came to visit me tonight for about an hour or so.  She has been worried about me since I do not answer my phone.  I talked with her, and it was nice to see her, but all the time I was wishing that I was with Charlie, not her.

It is Saturday night, and Charlie and I would have gone out to one of our favorite restaurants tonight for dinner--instead I cooked some chicken that I had taken out of the freezer yesterday and and had a salad.  What a life!

Leo, I like you, have no children, so I am here alone as well.  It is so difficult, and the silence and lonliness of it all is crushing.  I guess there is nothing else we can do except try and get used to it.  They are not coming back no matter how much we want them to.

You asked about "signs."  I, too, am looking for them.  Of all the losses I have had to endure over the past 10-15 years, I have never had one!!  I wonder if people who say they receive those signs are only imagining them.

I read your posts and feel so badly for you as I do for everyone on here including myself.  I don't know what else to say.  This is so hard, and I hope we can move on someday, but it is hard to imagine that right now.

My thoughts are with you and all of us.

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 10, 2010, 09:04:42 PM
Hello to all,
I just returned from my next door neighbor's after having dinner...( both lost their first spouses 8-15 years ago )... the first time I have accepted a dinner invitation at someone's house since I lost my wife 29 days ago...I was almost going to cancel...I felt so alone with the 3 other couples...trying to talk and was glad when it was time to leave...so here I sit again in my house all alone...what to do...where do I go...my sadness grows...at first I thought that I wanted to go someplace...I didn't know where...but then I would be apart from my wife's garden, the familiarity of our home and all of her things...I have to stay here but I want to be alone...where will this lonely road lead me...I do not know...but there is no way to turn around and go back... I am on it for good...and I will be alone...without the love of my life...I did work in her garden today...will start planting some things next week...have to do something...getting too depressed in the house...I know that my wife would not like the fact that I am not taking care of myself as much as I should...I can see her face and hear her telling me to be good to myself...I am so torn...I do not want her to be upset with me for neglecting myself but I get too overwhelmed when I think of my loss...everything seems so senseless now...what purpose does it serve if I take care of myself...
Jannie...I know that words do not mean a lot but I am so sorry for your losses and loneliness...I hope that your situation and everyone else here gets better in time...my neighbors say it does... but I wonder how they feel in the inner recesses of their minds...I hear always that time will heal...how can you ever get to a point, after being with your soul mate and love of 33 years and be "healed"...it is getting very late...I had better go...do not know about tomorrow...I keep driving this lonely road and there are no vacancies...good night all...hope that you all have a better day tomorrow...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Luvinmike on April 11, 2010, 01:34:07 AM
To everyone on this thread;

   I want to say sorry for your losses, may the memory of a shared smile carry you through this. I am writing to tell you what has helped me so far in this, two years almost since losing my husband. I have walked miles, I walk my dog and as Annette said, a companion.
     I eat healthy most of the time and write in a journal to my husband whenever I want. I listen to music that was special to us and I cry, I have written and read here for the whole time, I read poetry, gardening, cooking, I joined a womens' group and a book club. Our three kids are turning into adults and they seem to be well.
     I am wishing my husband would be here, but I am also feeling more conmfortable in the past month. I feel as though I have coached myself through this, positive thinking. Please share your loved ones with us and visit often. Sending strength...
Terri
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 11, 2010, 03:53:04 AM
Hello Terri,
Thank you very much for your kind reply...I appreciate all of your suggestions...I do work in her garden...I have been keeping a daily log for years of all of the things that I did to try and help her...I cooked and we ate very healthy all the time...she was never sick before...we walked 2-3 miles almost everyday...I was always a very positive person and very upbeat...got my beautiful wife to smile a lot...it is 30 days today since she "left" and I can't seem to accept the finality of it...people have tried to get me to smile a little...what little there is of it is very shallow and hollow...I am not the same person because such a very large part of me went forever when I lost my wife...we were so good together and I love her so very much...I miss her sweet smile every morning and her warm kisses and hugs...she made my life so worthwhile...now all the physical aspects are gone...I clutch to all the fond memories...they help me...I do not feel like being with people...many have asked me to go walking or to dinner...I feel that the talk is so idle...I do not want to commit to a dog at this time...not sure what I am going to do down this lonely road that I am treading...
I am very sorry for your loss and and it is good that you have adjusted to some extent...wishing you continued inner peace and thank you again for your kind concern...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 11, 2010, 06:24:10 PM
Hello to everyone,
I feel compelled to write...I hope that I am not posting too much here...it does seem to help a little to try and put some of my feelings down...today I existed...not too much...at least I think I am existing...not much good to myself...I just made my second cup of cayenne pepper, ginger powder and turmeric powder tea...have to add coconut oil to it...speeds up my circulation...very hot...usually 200,000 to 300,000 heat units...you have to build yourself up to these levels...did not work in  my wife's garden today...went out to the grocery store briefly...did not do anything inside the house except some computer work along with frequent and uncontrollable bursts of tears...just exist and bide my time...thought about my lovely and caring wife so much...I love her so much and just like that she is gone...I feel so hollow...I just do not understand how anyone gets through it...boy this is really bad and seems to be worse everyday...I am so sorry that everyone here is going through this kind of very traumatic and permanent, sorrowful experience...my heart goes out to all here...I sincerely wish you all well and hope that you find some bit of peace...I get these huge waves of sorrow that just seem to sneak up on me and in an instant overpower me several times a day...I have kept my cell phones turned off...got rid of land phone...do not care to talk to anyone...canceled a dinner invitation for next week...what else is there to say...I exist to go from one hollow day to the next...got to bed about midnight and got up at about 5:30AM...I am not sure if I woke up...I dread turning the last light out every night...I better work in the garden tomorrow...I will try and plant some new flowers this week...how my wife loved to go shopping for plants...she was so into gardening...she told me that she was about 7 years old when she started her tiny little patch of garden...she would work for hours in her garden here and everything turned out as beautiful as she was...I want to be with her so much...
It is time to stop...wishing all as peaceful an evening as possible...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 11, 2010, 07:16:32 PM
Hello Leo,

I read your latest post tonight and know just where you are.  I am doing things just because I have to and so that my friends think that I am at least trying.  If I give them that impression, then maybe they will leave me alone.  I think that well-meaning friends want you to feel better so that they feel better and don't have to worry about you any more.

I went out for a walk today just to get out of this house and feel the warmth of the sun on my face.  I took a look at my garden and saw all the weeds, and I just don't even care about that right now.  I have no interest in cleaning it up. I give you credit, Leo, for keeping up with your wife's garden. 

I stopped by to say hello to a friend of mine who is a widow (for the past 8 years).  She has been calling me incessantly, and I haven't answered the phone, so I felt I needed to catch up with her.  She had nothing comforting to say to me except "it really sucks, doesn't it?"  YUP, IT REALLY DOES!!!

This morning I erased 8 messages from my phone from well-meaning friends.  I know they care, but I cannot talk to them right now without falling apart, and I do not wish to burden them with my grief.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life now that my Charlie is gone.  I feel so lost and alone and don't know what to do any more.  I, like you, do not wish to take on a pet as they are a big responsibility.  I lost 3 pets within a 5-year span, and I am not ready to deal with that heartache again either, if it should come to that.

I have a part-time seasonal job which I am expected to return to at the end of May, so I am hoping that will help me a little although I am not looking forward to that either.  Other than that, for now I wander around in a state of numbness and grief.  This really is the pits.

A good nite to all, and may we all find peace in our lives at some point.  It is hard to imagine that right now.

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: ks115 on April 11, 2010, 08:57:26 PM
Leo, I'm so sorry for your lost. Two weeks ago my wife of 23 years passed away right before my eyes after losing her three years battle with lung and spinal cancer. In those three years we tried to make the best of it by traveling and going to Broadway plays. I thought maybe she can beat it but last month she was having more trouble breathing. It was horrible to she her lose weight and being tired all the time. Then on a Saturday morning I rushed her to hospital and the doctors took CAT scan and revealed to us it didn't looked good.
My best friend in the world is gone and a minute doesn't go by without me thinking about her. I miss her terribly. And like you I feel cheated because she was only 57 years old. I keep thinking "It's not fair". And yes, I cried and I know I'll cry some more but I know I have to move on. If by any chance she's looking down at me she probably say to me every it is ok, please don't cry. I know it's silly be somehow it make sense.
She went through so much pains and tears and now she's at peace. I just try to think of the good times and there were many. Yet it too soon to fight the tears, but I'm getting better at it.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I don't want my co-workers to feel pity on me but I know that's what gonna happen. I might as well get it over with. I think maybe some of my co-workers will avoid me because nobody want to think about if they lost a love one, how will they take it.
It's tough, moving on.
But you what help is family and friends supports. I get visit, phone calls and emails with supports from friends and family. You gotta talk your griefs over with your family and friends. Share it! It's a long road my friend, but we'll get over this because it's what our passed loved one is counting on.   
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 12, 2010, 05:36:45 AM
Hello everyone,
Here I go writing again...it has been 31 days since I lost my beautiful and darling wife...I get so choked up thinking about it...it is also 31 days since I lost my life...I am just a shell of a man now...I used to be very, very cheery and upbeat...making my dear wife smile so much...joking with her...hugging her...she fit so perfectly in my arms...now all gone...I cling to the wonderful memories...trying to keep them fresh...it seems so long ago...oh what to do...where to go...will it just be writing everyday? We loved all types of music so much but 31 days ago truly was "The day the music died"...we liked the song "American Pie"...starts out...

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they'd be happy for a while.
.....
.....
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.


Slept better last night...have been avoiding the red wine which I like so much...I hurry into my computer room in the AM and look forward to coming to this site...I like "talking" to you all...thank you Tom G. for having made this wonderful site available... I feel here I can open up more to you people because you understand so much of what is going on with our grief and sorrow...most of my friends , I believe , do not want to hear the constant grief and despondency...can't blame them at all...I have some friends who have lost a spouse and they are much more understanding and tolerant...I find the women almost always are much more feeling...I can "feel" the emotion/sympathy, that they give off...the men, even ones that have lost a loved one, do not seem to want to broach the subject much...may ask how am I doing but no more really...they seem very stoic, do not show any outward emotion and want to move on to another subject or say "hang in there"...I know we all grieve differently...no right or wrong way...so much of what we do or how we feel is a product of how we are conditioned so early in life...boys should do or not this or that ...girls should etc...I have some digital photo frames that I turned off last night after having them run constantly for the last month...the many images of my dear wife are so good to see but are making me so emotional every time I walk by them...I do not know if it is good all the time...the "stress effect"...I thought that maybe if I keep them off for a while...I feel so terribly strained inside...have developed a little "croupy" cough... feel so worn out...I want to work in her garden today...going to be warm and sunny again...I still listen for her footsteps every so often...waiting to see her smiling face come around the corner to my computer room in the morning...gone forever now...I am driving myself crazy...

Hi Jannie...thank you for your understanding response...I can only try to imagine how you feel...again I am so sorry for your loss...try to write often...it seems to help a little to "get the thoughts out of your head"...I think that not saying anything and keeping all of our thoughts/emotions "bottled up" is not good...who knows...I am keeping my cell phones off again today...I have told some of my friends that I will get back to them when and if I ever feel like doing something with them...I find that I am being more reclusive everyday...I hope that you have a better day today...

Hello ks115...welcome to the site and I am very sorry that you lost your dear wife of 23 years...my wife was 59...I hope at some time you can have find a little peace of mind...I know that for me it will never, never be the same...I wish you well...come back here often and let us know how all is progressing...
I have gone on long enough...
Your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 12, 2010, 02:57:31 PM
Hello to everyone,
I seem to be edging my way through another day...not a good one but it is another day...I did buy some flowers for my dear wife's garden...it was strange buying the flowers by myself...we would normally go together and I would look around the garden center and see her with her beautiful face and hair as she was taking notice of all the flowers...I did not plant any flowers yet...she would know exactly where everything would do well...I hope that I bought the right ones...did more weeding...will the weeds ever end? Friends again stopped over on two occasions today unannounced...they are concerned that I am not doing well...I know that they mean well but I would like to know in advance if they are coming over...I think that I will not answer the door from now on if they have not given me advance notice...it would be best to tell them to let me know but I do not want to hurt their feelings...I am still keeping my cell phones off...it has been extremely quiet on this site yesterday and today...hope that you all are doing OK...I have not eaten much today...I better have something now...

your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 12, 2010, 03:16:28 PM
Leo,

I continue with this thread because I feel that your pain so mirrors my own.  We seem to be doing the same things to cope except that I have not given up the wine yet (although I should because I know it is not helping me to sleep).

I got out a little today and did some things that I had to do.  I just came back from an hour of walking, and the tears were spilling down my face as I walked, but I needed to get out and walk as I am used to doing that (although it is very hard not to have Charlie to walk with).  I met one of my neighbors in the grocery store today whom I have not seen since Charlie passed, and I started to cry in the dairy aisle as he expressed his condolences to me.  I had to pick up a box of tissues and open them even though I did not need them (if it's one thing I have enough of at home, it's tissues!!), but it seems I never have one when I need it!

I finally started to pick up the phone today as I could tell that my brother-in-law was getting nervous that he could not get me.  He has been calling all weeked on my house phone and my cell phone, so I felt I'd better talk to him. 

I know what you mean about the pictures.  I have put away absolutely EVERYTHING that reminds me of Charlie because it hurts too much to even look at it.  I was forced to deal with the clothing issue early on because his house is being sold, and his daughter needed to clean it out.  We were living together here in my house, but he lived only two doors down from me, so he went home to shower and change all the time.

Leo, I don't know how long we have to endure this "acute pain" and when or if we will begin to feel better, but I do know from experience that we have to go on because there is very little else we can do.  I don't even remember feeling this pain when my husband died (12 years ago), but then I was forced to go back to my full-time job a week after it happened, and I had to take care of my dad who had Alzheimer's.  Now the situtation is so much different.  I am retired with no responsibilities other than myself, and I have a lot more time to think and grieve.  I am 60 years old and wonder what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.  I know I cannot just sit around here and feel sorry for myself, but for now that it all I feel like doing. 

Tonight will be 7 weeks since Charlie drew his last breath around 10:45 pm.   I remember it like it was just  yesterday.

It looks like you post early in the morning, so I hope you had a restful night.

Your friend in pain,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 12, 2010, 07:31:44 PM
Hi Jannie,
Thank you for the reply...I am sorry that you are having all these unwanted emotional experiences...It is so sad that we have to endure all this pain and suffering...I do not know where it will go or for how long we must endure it...everyday is one day too long for me...I did sleep a little better without the wine the last few nights...I do not know if skipping the wine helped...I do not know what to say anymore...I still keep several pictures of my wife out...but the digital frames with photos of our trips make me very sad...you are right about moving on...we have no choice and that is the finality of it all...I hope that you can do a little better each day...try...I know that is what all my friends tell me...there are quite a few that are concerned...5 or 6 of them have lost spouses in the last 5-15 years... they seem OK externally but who know what is in their minds...one of my friends lost her husband 8 years ago...she said that they did everything together...she says that he was the love of her life and thinks of him everyday...she did remarry a few years ago... I do not know...what is "right" for one person may not be for another...I am going to plant the flowers, that I bought today, in my wife's garden tomorrow...
Take care for now and I hope that you sleep better...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 13, 2010, 04:54:28 PM
Hi Leo,

Hope you had a better day than I did.  I have been doing my income taxes all day (no choice at this late date)!  I ran into some glitches in the state portion of the software program (Turbo Tax) that I use, so I had to go back in and fix it.  When I finally was ready to print, I was out of ink (naturally), so I actually ran out to Staples in the same sweats I slept in last night.  I never even got dressed today.  The weather here is dreary, just the way I feel.

I have been crying on and off again all day--in between getting my taxes done.  At times, I am distracted by the demands of daily life, then I remember how good life was just a few short months ago and how those demands didn't seem to make me crazy like they do now.  I have very little patience for anything or anyone these days.

I can't seem to function the way I used to--don't really care either.  I was always so organized, now I don't even care about anything unless I absolutely MUST do it.

I am and have always been a movie buff, so I watch a lot of movies from Netflix to keep my mind occupied when I can't sleep at night.  Last night was another bad one--finally fell asleep around 4:30 am (I think) after watching a movie until 3:00 am.

I know that I cannot keep this up and that I will have to try and get back to some kind of a normal existence at some point, but for now my comfort zone is to do what I am doing. 

Have you considered a support group?  I did attend one last week, and it is helpful to know that there are others out there who are suffering as much as we are.

I miss Charlie so much that at times I think I am going out of my mind.  I will never find another that will measure up to him.

Your friend in grief,
Jannie



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 13, 2010, 06:04:34 PM
Hi Jannie,
Sorry to hear about your trying day with taxes and sleep...I did sleep better last night...six hours...woke up once...did not look at the clock...skipped the wine again...I do feel a little better physically when I get some sleep...I do not do better emotionally at all...it seems to be getting worse for me...we all do ourselves a disservice without sleep or a good diet...I know it is preaching but I feel it can make me function better in this life that was forced on me...I still do not know what to do or how to react...I do not think anything makes a real difference...I am just waiting...waiting...today I planted many of the flowers that I bought yesterday...salmon colored impatiens in the front yard...my wife liked that color very much...I think of my wife so much anyway and every time I look at  any flower anyplace...she will always be my most beautiful flower...I want to be with her so much...I planted some vibrant red phlox in the back yard...spent about 2 1/2 hours outside...so much more to do...very sunny and warm out today...I was tempted to stay up and watch TV at about 11:15 last night but the liquid melatonin takes hold fast...got in bed and really hate to turn the last light off...told my wife that I love her very much...cried and fell off to sleep...I have not considered a support group for now...I find this site has helped me some...being able to express my feelings to you all who have had such tragic situations...I feel that everyone here understands what we all are experiencing...try to get some rest...it will help some...be good to yourself...I am sure that Charlie would want it that way...
good night for now...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: cecilia on April 13, 2010, 11:44:03 PM
Here i am again not sure what to write. This is still so unreal..Yesterday was a very bad day...Today I got up and tried to keep busy..I talked on another site that is wonderful. we told each other funny stories about our spouse...It was nice and sad....Coming to these sites help so much....I don't know if i would make it thru the day without going to the sites. this place and otrib.com are wonderful.....thank you all......cecilia
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 14, 2010, 04:41:17 PM
Hello,
 I am back again today...had another unannounced visitor just as I was about to fix something to eat...he was here about an hour...seemed to try and get me to do most of the talking...I understand clearly what people are trying to do...I asked him to please let me know in advance when he wants to come over...I almost feel as if I am being smothered with so much kindness...I know that they mean well and are concerned about me...has anyone else here felt that too many people are coming at them?
I went and bought more flowers, some begonias and gerber daisies ( bright yellow )...I put several bags of mulch down in some of the garden areas...I talk to my wife...pull more weeds...rake...there is so much to do...weather has been very warm and sunny...I am not sure if I can do all the outside and the inside of the house...hope that  everyone here is doing OK...I am just existing...friends have asked me to do things with them but to me it is so meaningless without my dear wife...so I decline...nothing more to say so I will close and wait...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 14, 2010, 06:42:57 PM
Hi Leo,

Yes, I know what you mean about well-meaning friends.  I don't like it when people come to see me unannounced either!  They should understand that we are not always up to their visits, well-meaning as they may be.

Leo, I commend you more than you can imagine for your efforts to keep up with your wife's garden.  I keep looking at things outside whenever I go out and have no interest in doing anything about it right now.  I remember the beautiful yellow marigolds, the impatiens, and roses we had last year, and it makes me so sad to know that it will not be this year because I don't care to do it without Charlie.

I bought some melatonin today to help me sleep.  I have been taking Tylenol PM for a long time to help me sleep, but I have been told that it can be damaging to the liver, so I decided to stop taking it.  I know that you mentioned that you take it also, so I will try it tonight.

I know what you mean about doing things with friends--it's not the same, and our hearts are really not into it.  It's safer and more comfortable being home alone with our grief and misery right now.

Today is the first day that I managed not to cry--maybe because I was busy doing things all day that needed to be done.   I can't say that I think it is getting better because I did not cry.  I know it will be a LONG time before it gets any better, but I guess at some point we have to accept "what is" and deal with it!

Hope you had a restful night.

Your friend in grief,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 15, 2010, 04:48:28 AM
Hello to all,
I have survived another day of my meaningless and empty existence...it is light out now so I think I will go work in her garden now before too many people are about and before it starts to get too warm...slept reasonably well...I think the outside work is helping...these days are so empty...it has been 34 days since she "left'...can't stop the time or go back...it is all receding into the past so fast...I see her all around the house and outside...her warm smile, her throwing me a kiss...and then "something" dictated that it was enough and that she must leave her life with me...that all was too good and wonderful and we should not have this wonderful kind of existence...maybe we should be punished for being so much in love...do not know how so many of you have survived even for a year...I still feel so worn out even with 6 1/2 hr of sleep...I come here to see how everyone is doing and to put down my thoughts in a rather mindless, rambling fashion...
wishing well and peace to Allan, Annette, Ak, Cecilia, FlamingoFred, ks115, Holly, Jannie, Terri and Terry...hope that you all are doing reasonably well...I am so sorry for all of your losses and pain...
your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 15, 2010, 03:55:51 PM
Hello to all,

Another day, and nothing much changes.  I took melatonin last night (a low dose), but it did not seem to help much.  I was still awake at 3:30 am watching a movie, but I did fall asleep earlier for about 2 hours, so...........guess that didn't help.

I did manage to color my hair this morning (for who, I don't know), go to Target this afternoon for a few things, then came back home and walked with a friend of mine for a bit.  She quit on me, so I walked some more by myself (a lonely walk since I miss walking with Charlie), but I know I have to keep doing it for my own sake, and I know he would have wanted me to.

A friend of mine who lives in Florida and usually comes up to visit family and friends (including me) in the summer told me last night that she is planning a trip in July.  I told her not to include me this time because I am not up to having company and having to entertain them.  I guess it was not nice of me, but I just can't handle it.  She said she understood and doesn't want to impose on me.  I find myself being very honest with people these days because I do not want to do anything that I don't want to.  They will just have to understand and deal with it.

Leo, I don't know why our beautiful partners were taken from us--I too question the reasons.  I know that I am a good person, and I believe you are as well, so I don't think we are being punished for anything.  I like to think that it was just their time to leave us, and there is nothing we could do or could have done to change that.  Our ultimate fate is not in our hands.  If it is not too painful for you to tell me, how long was your wife ill?

Keep up with your wife's garden--I'm sure she would have wanted you to, and it is good therapy for you as well, as walking is for me. 

I know how you feel about "just existing."  I am feeling the same way.  It's hard to think about going forward, I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. 

A good night to all,
Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: littleha on April 15, 2010, 06:05:05 PM
Hi Leo
April 3rd I posted a reply to this thread you started. I read it again for the first time. Strange how you are now helping me through this difficult time. I read the words I wrote to you.
Thank you for helping me at this time. Very few people see the pain that I am in. It is something that is inside me that does not come out unless I am alone at home or with a select few people. That would be my 2 sons, Cathy's mom, and Cathy's best friend for over 35yrs. To everyone else I seem normal. If they only knew.
I understand  the pain you are going through and being able to help others at the same time. I guess that is why we are all here, to help one another when we can.
Thank you Leo
Allan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 15, 2010, 08:53:09 PM
Hi Jannie,
Hope this finds you doing a little better...what dose of melatonin did you take? Of late I have been taking in the 9-10 mg range which is reasonably high...if you take too much you will wake up the next morning and just feel a little groggy...not much...simply lower your dose...if it does not seem to be working go up 1-3 mg...by the time most adults reach 60 years old they are not producing much melatonin in their pineal gland ( very small, about the size of a kernel of corn,,, located in the center of the brain )...levels start dropping off right after puberty...most babies don't sleep through the night  until they are around 6 months old because they are not producing much melatonin...there are capsules ( usually 1-3mg ) and there are tablets...I take caps about 30-45 minutes before I go to bed...I take a liquid sometimes...much faster acting...drops under tongue or a spray into your mouth...with the liquid some people experience much more vivid dreams...I have never read about any bad side effects and I am very familiar with melatonin and its actions...
Sounds as if you are doing a little more...that's good...I know what you mean about visitors...I have good friends who are stopping by here next week on their way home from their vacation...I am not asking them to stay over...it is all that I can muster up to see them for a few hours...do not know why I said yes...they are good friends and I did not want to hurt their feelings...don't know where I am going...sometimes in a fog...
I spent about 4 1/2 hours in my wife's garden ( 2 1/2 AM and 2 PM ) plus went to a couple flower places that were favorite stops for my dear wife...bought more flowers ( zinnias and more impatiens ) and more mulch...even with all that outside work and going to the store it was a very down day for me...cried so much...in the car ...in the store...in the garden... I have been wearing sunglasses and a baseball type cap pulled low...my life has changed forever...and certainly not for the better...I feel so all alone yet I do not want to see people for the most part because I know that most of them have no idea what I am experiencing...some will say " you are looking better " or " you seem to be doing better "...as Allan said in the previous reply "they have no idea what is going on inside me" especially most of the men...that is why I like to write here because I can say what I am feeling exactly and everybody here understands...I have only one person to whom I am comfortable "opening up" my feelings... I am not tired in the least even after a very busy day and it is late...

Wishing everyone here well and hoping that you all have a better day tomorrow and experience a little more peace and a little less sorrow...

ALLAN...I am happy that I could give you a little positive support...you helped me when I first "came on"...we have to keep trying...I will touch base with you again...

your friend in grief,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 16, 2010, 04:02:56 PM
Hi Leo,

Thanks for the advice about the melatonin.  I bought 3 mg. tablets--I know that's a pretty low dose, but I decided to start there.  I read about it before I bought it, so I know there are few side effects except for the bad dreams.  I have so many of those (without taking anything), so I am not worried about that.  I seem to focus on images of Charlie's last days when he was so sick, but I experienced that with my husband as well for a long time.

Bad day today for me.  Since the weather was much cooler and not very nice, I decided it was a good day to clean my house which I have been avoiding for some time now.  Well, I didn't get too far--a little dusting and "windexing", and washing bathroom rugs.  Then I had a meltdown while I was working.  I left the can of Lemon Pledge and cleaning rags sitting where I left them until tomorrow.  I just couldn't do it all today.  I spent most of the afternoon crying and wailing at Charlie for leaving me.  I know he didn't want to leave me, and I hate myself for blaming him, but I can't help it.  It's just so unfair--we were so happy and had so much to look forward to.  Did I mention that he got sick and was diagnosed with the brain tumor while we were on vacation for the winter?  He never even made it back home to die.  He died at his daughter's home in Florida with me there.

You should post a picture of your garden on here--it sounds so beautiful.  I give you so much credit for keeping up with it for your beautiful wife and for yourself as well.  I keep looking at my yard and wishing I had the ambition to do something about it, but it is still early here in the Northeast, and I am hoping that I will feel more like doing something about it in a few weeks.  It's just so hard and not much fun to do the work by myself.

Hope you and everyone here has a good night. 

Jannie








Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 16, 2010, 08:42:20 PM
Hello to all,
Hope that today was a little bit better for all...
Hi Jannie...so sorry that you experienced a bad day...at least you are trying to do something...I am sorry learn about your sad experience with Charlie on your vacation...that was terrible...I can imagine that it is not easy to block it out but we do not help our minds by going over the sad and tragic issues a lot...I find myself doing it a lot though and I can work myself up fast...my friends tell me that I am being too hard on myself by thinking "what if"...I have to do better and not go there...sometimes it seems involuntary...3 mg melatonin dose is not too low...that is what I used to take until the last few months...today is 5 weeks since my darling departed this world...it is all gone for me...I do not have any real reason to go on...I never knew that life could be so bad...my life is over...I am just in a holding pen now...it is so hard to be the least bit positive after the biggest, permanent negative of my life has just occurred...
wishing you and everyone else a little better day tomorrow...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on April 17, 2010, 12:54:18 PM
Hi Leo, my name is Donna. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I haven't posted in a while. I read yours and thought I would reply. It has been almost 3 yrs since I lost my husband of 38 yrs to lung cancer. I thought my world would end. I went through breast cancer, but I am one of the lucky ones they caught it early. I am a 3 yr survivor. Than last yr. while on vac. with my two daughters my oldest daughter had a heart attack was on life support for 5 days and died on the 24th of June. She was 38 and her name was Jerri to. I had named her after my husband. I have days now that I think there is no way I want to go on but I do for my other kids. I have started drinking, but my grief couselor says that is self medication. I have now stopped. I am trying to find some purpose in why I was spared and they weren't. Maybe someday I will find out. Until then as one friend on here told me just take one step at a time and breathe one breath at a time. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers as is everyone on this site. (((hugs))) Donna
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 17, 2010, 01:58:56 PM
Hello Donna,
Thank you so much for your message and kind thoughts...It makes me so sad and so very sorry to learn of your losses...you must be a very strong person to go on the way you have...I am becoming more of a wreck everyday...nothing really helps me...so much of my life went out of me when I saw her last breath...when I see that vision now I go totally out of control...I do not know what to do and I know that there are no answers from anyone...I miss her so very much...the pain is so great inside me...I should be with her so I can take care of her...it really is not worth being around without her...she was my whole life...
I worked in her garden for over 5 hours today...it helps a little but then I see her all over and I cry...I am almost exhausting myself...staying up late...getting up early...working a lot outside...she loved to work in the garden so much...and now in a flash she is a memory...I get so depressed...I better go now...thank you again for your reply and I hope that you and everyone
here gets some peace of mind...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 18, 2010, 04:06:47 AM
Hello to all,
Hope that everyone is doing OK..here I sit at my computer...6:32AM...have been up for 3 hr...after sleeping for 3 1/2 hr...spent over 5 hr working in my dear wife's garden yesterday...am making headway in getting things in shape outside but am not doing very well at all inside of my mind...feeling so despondent...my pain and remorse are continuous...they have a firm grip on me...I am being swept along by this torrential current of grief...I miss my wife so much...I want to hold her again... I do not know what to do with myself so I come here to write to you all because I know that you understand so well...I don't have anyone close...my darling wife was my only "real" friend...I have many people here who are friends but no one with whom I can share my real feelings...I still keep to myself...occasionally someone here reaches out and I talk a little...but I do not seek anyone out...I go from room to room and ponder...it all seems so pointless and such a terrible existence...my situation is so sad and then I read about your situations and I become very sad that there are so many people that have endured such grief and tragedy...I am so sorry for you all...It is 7 AM and I feel that I am getting tired...I am messing my whole time cycle...be good to yourselves...hoping that something...anything changes for the better...

Your friend,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 18, 2010, 02:56:28 PM
Hello Leo,

I'm so so so sorry, I know where you are coming from.  I have had a bad day today also.  I went out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to return something, then picked up a few groceries--all the while walking around in a fog and growing impatient with the help in the stores.  I felt myself starting to go to pieces in the car, so I came home pretty quickly and have been feeling very sad ever since.

I, too, am alone with no children or anyone to talk to in my home.  My friends have been calling, but I tell them I don't feel much like doing anything or talking to anyone right now.  I cannot seem to talk to anyone without crying, so I feel I am better off just staying home by myself, although I am growing really weary from all this.  I can't stop thinking about Charlie either and picturing him walking around happy and healthy as he was just a few short months ago.

It sounds like you are having a bad time sleeping as well.  I took the melatonin again last night.  It takes a long while to work, so I guess I have to remember to take it earlier.  I also read until almost 3:00 am last night to keep my mind occupied.  I am tired today.

Have you tried to chat with anyone on this website?  I have gone in to the "chat" section a few times, but there never seems to be anyone in there.  There are a lot of grief websites on the internet which have forums where people talk about their experiences with terminal illnesses and their ultimate losses.  It doesn't change anything, but it does help to know that we are not the only ones who have been through something bad.  Have you considered attending a support group in your area?  I went to one about two weeks ago, and it does help to be able to open up and talk to other people who have suffered losses and who understand what we are feeling.  The next meeting is April 28th (they only meet twice a month), but I will go again.

I agree with you about everything seeming pointless and what a terrible existence this is right now.  Unfortunately, I have been through this before although this time it seems so much worse--maybe because I am older now.  I also returned to a full-time career a week after my husband was buried and had to snap back fast.  I was also taking care of my dad who was suffering with Alzheimer's. 

I share your pain and know that we just have to go through this for as long as it takes.  It really stinks!!!  I would give anything to be able to hold my Charlie and see his beautiful smile once again.  In my rational mind I know that it will never be possible, but who is rational at a time like this.

You are in my thoughts and hope you have a good night's rest tonight.

Your friend in grief,
Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 19, 2010, 03:53:56 AM
Hi Jannie,
Hope that you and everyone else here are doing a little better...couldn't write last night...too exhausted...I went to bed early and didn't get up until 5:15AM...got 7 1/2 hr sleep...most I have had in ages...increased my melatonin to 12 mg...put me out and kept me out...I did capsule and spray...but to wake up to this robotic life without meaning continues to eat away at me...I like to come to this site with all the understanding people and feel so badly that there are so many who are grieving so much and for so long...it is permanent and that is what scares me so much and I can do nothing about it...I am using pictures of beloved wife as my desktop background so that when the computers come on in the AM I see her beautiful face and warm smile...what a life...for all the joy and wonderful life that we had before the pendulum has swung to the opposite side and I am in the worst scenario possible now...but again I ramble on and the net effect is nothing has changed...I guess that saying a lot of words helps me a little...who knows?
I have not gone to the chat room and for the time being prefer to write here...have not wanted to go to any counseling although people have suggested it to me...just want to go it alone for now...in the past I was such a people person...very out going and cheerful but now I have gone into this shell and like it that way...I still keep my cell phones off...it is just the way that I feel and I think that is just what I need to do...go the road that makes me comfortable at whatever pace I want...what else is there? I can't change the past...
I worked in her garden for only and hour yesterday...it was raining...got wet but wanted to do something...good friends are coming this Friday...I am dreading it...I would ask them to stay the night normally but it is all that I can do to have them here for a few hours...I feel so empty and alone without my darling wife as I sit here in front of my computer...in 12 days I have very good friends who are coming to stay with me overnight...they have been emailing me a lot and have been very understanding...I guess I can't shut out the entire world all the time...
I am going to try and work in her garden but there is a good chance of rain today...yesterday I bought more flowers ( portulacas, pink splash and more impatiens ) and mulch...it keeps me going and I feel that she is out there with me...she loved to work out there...I can see her now and it brings tears to my eyes...I can't wait to be with her again...she was such a good person and loving wife...I had better stop as this is going nowhere and I am working myself up...
wishing you some peace and tranquility...
your friend,
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 19, 2010, 03:40:45 PM
Hello Leo,

Another day, going through the motions, but feeling so empty with no real reason to keep going.  I don't have a death wish (probably because I am afraid to die), but I don't know why I am here any more.  If I had kids, I could understand it, but what else is there??  I have no siblings either, do you?  Just a few good friends who care about me, but that doesn't do much for me either.  I sympathize with you having to deal with guests--I don't know if I could do it, but if they are making the effort to travel to come to see you, you need to do it--difficult as it will be for you, I'm sure.

I managed to finish cleaning my house today--took me all weekend and today to finish, but at least it's clean now, and I feel a little better about that.  Now I just need to find the motivation to do some work outside.  I keep looking at what needs to be done out there, and I just can't summon up any interest right now.

Glad you slept a little better last night.  I took the melatonin again and slept fairly well, but I wake up early in the morning with all kinds of thoughts and memories racing through my mind.  If I don't get up and try to distract myself, I can't get back to sleep, so I get up.

I understand what you mean about being more comfortable being alone--I feel that way also, but I know that I cannot hide out forever.  And neither can you.  We have to feel the pain for as long as we have to, but at some point in time, we will have to try and find a reason to keep going.  What else can we do?  I know Charlie would have wanted that for me, and I'm sure your beautiful wife would have wanted that for you as well.

Don't know what else to say.  It will be 8 weeks tonight at around 10:45 pm when Charlie took his last breath.  Sunday, April 25th, is Charlie's birthday, so I know that will be a really difficult day for me.

I have a movie and a book to read tonight, so that's my evening--woo hoo!! 

Hope you have another peaceful night's sleep.  Take care.

Jannie



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 21, 2010, 06:43:08 AM
Hello to everyone,
I was almost going to stop writing to the this site...my sadness at losing my darling wife 40 days ago and reading all the sadness being experienced by all here has taken a great toll on me...I feel that my health is deteriorating...yesterday was a really down day for me...while I felt it seems to help a little to write things down here it has been almost too much to handle everyday...this A.M. I had a real meltdown...I was transferring photos of my wife to my computer from a USB flash drive that she had used...suddenly her voice came on...it was a complete shock...it was as if she was in the room with me...unbeknown to me this flash drive contained audio sounds of her voice describing the various photos that she had taken...I could not continue to watch and broke down completely...I did not think that I would make it for another minute...it was as if a knife went through my heart...it was so unexpected...I simply can not bear any more...when I read that people here have experienced such sadness and pain for 1 or 2 years or more I really can not live that way...I realize that I can write down as much as I want but it still comes down to the inescapable fact that NOTHING CHANGES my situation...this is it for me...
I have been working relentlessly in her garden for many hours every day almost to the point of exhaustion...thinking this would help...it does some...I talk to her...I cry...I ask for her help...but at the end of the day I am so worn out...I feel that I will use her garden as my waiting room until I go to be with my darling forever...I am so sorry that all of you here are going through such pain and emotional distress...I do not know what to say to anyone anymore...it is all so useless...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 24, 2010, 04:38:47 AM
Hello to all,
It has now been 43 days since that fateful day when my darling wife departed this earth...all seems to get worse...nothing is better...I do not know what to do...I stay to myself mostly still...when I wander through the house I see so many little reminders of my dear wife and immediately break down and cry...I get so exhausted all the time...a few friends have said that it may be good for me to go away for a week or so...to get into a new environment for a while where I will not be having all the little reminders of my wife...I do not want to forget...I want to remember...the house so empty and lonely...I talk to her so much...I try to do things to keep busy...I have spent many hours working in her garden...every flower that I look at I see think of her...she loved to grow things...I get tears in my eyes now thinking about it...does everyone get to a point where they get so exhausted after months of crying, depression and extreme sadness that they simply accept the reality of the situation and go on? The days keep dragging on without any hope or expectations of getting any better... I still can't accept that this is it...she was here and then vanished...it does not seem possible...here was this vibrant, beautiful, kind woman who then was taken from my life...what a horrible existence to live with...I am so sorry that all here are going through similar existences...
I started, finally, to do all the paper work and legal changes which have been time consuming...I was avoiding it as long as possible...many times it was difficult to get the words out of my mouth when I am talking to the various customer service people...it gets very emotional...
I still keep my phone off...it bothers me somewhat when people say "that is normal" or 'it takes time to heal" or  "these are the stages of grieving"...most of the time these people still have their partner with them...they can't know how I feel or how long something will take...most really can't handle the extreme sadness and emotion of my situation...especially most men...they seem to want to hear that I am feeling better or they say you are looking better when I feel rotten inside...I suppose that is why I want to be alone most of the time...
I had some friends stop in yesterday for a few hours....it was OK...tried to get me to talk about the "memories"...I know that they mean well...they were very kind...they live out of state and invited me to go stay with them...but when they left there I was alone and depressed but they still had each other...I do not know how anyone here ever copes at all...
when you have a loved one, savor and relish each day you have with them...always be kind and understanding with them because in an unexpected instant you may be without them and all alone...
it is light outside...I am going out to the garden...
I hope that everyone is doing a little better...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: barbp on April 24, 2010, 07:23:24 AM
I just read this entire thread and it reflects all I feel these days.

My children are grown, one lives 20 miles away, the other 3000. The loneliness and quiet of this place crushes me. I turn on the TV just for the noise level. Silence feels like a heavy weight on my chest.

I still sleep in the same bed Jeff died in next to me. In a strange way it brings me comfort. I have thought of moving things around in the house, make it look different, but I can't bring myself to.

I know Jeff would not want me to be this miserable, but at this point this not a wish of his I can honor. It was a little easier when my daughter and her fiance were here last week, but since they left to go home on Thursday morning I do not know how to cope.

Jeff used to cook for me all the time! I miss his dishes, Fried Spaghetti in particular. I could make it myself, but I am not able. I am living off microwavable dishes if I eat at all. I always told Jeff that I had to lose weight, I did not want to do it this way!!
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 24, 2010, 10:50:36 AM
Hi Barbp, 
Thank you for your reply...I am so sorry that you have lost your Jeff...we all are in such unwanted and horrible situations...I was alone with my wife when she took her last breath...later kissing her for the final time before they took her away...I wish that I could change everyone's situation here for the better...sometimes I leave the TV on for some sound... to temper the silence of the house...I did the cooking in our house and my wife was always so kind and complimentary... never complaining...if my hair was messed up a little, and I did not realize it, I would say "how do I look"? she would always say " you look  fine"...she liked me always the way I was... as I did her...we had such a beautiful life together and planned to grow old together...her mom and 3 aunts are still alive and range in age for 86-92...none have  had cancer...her mom still lives alone in her house by herself...I hope over time you cope and do a little better...my life is so meaningless now and I do get frustrated...of late I feel myself getting very annoyed at little things that I would not even pay attention to before...I am also very hard on myself...wishing that I could have saved her...so many of my friends have told me that I did all I could to help her and make her comfortable...again I say things but in the end it does not change a thing...I am without the love of my life...I know that she would not want me be this miserable but it is something beyond my control...
I hope that AK, Allan, Annette, Cecilia, crnbrryctg, Donna B, FlamingoFred, Holly, Jannie, ks115, Terry and everyone else are all doing OK.
I am going into the garden now...there is much to be done as I experience this lonely wait before I  join my wife...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 24, 2010, 03:55:42 PM
Hello Leo,

Glad to see you back here again.  Thought maybe you had decided to stop posting.  I know full well that this does not change a thing for any of us, but on some level it must give us some comfort to be here and share, or else why would we keep on coming back.

The last few days and nights have been rough for me.  A lot of crying and longing and trying to figure out why I am still here.  Tomorrow is Charlie's birthday, and I am dreading the day.  It is supposed to rain here all day, so maybe I will stay in bed all day and try to catch up on some sleep.  Sleep has become elusive to me--I dread turning out the light at night and laying there in the dark thinking and torturing myself with memories.  Consequently, I either watch TV or read most of the night until I am too exhausted to do anything else but sleep.  Then I walk around the next day in a tired stupor.  What an existence this is right now.

I have been thinking about possibly going away for a few days just to get away from the pain that is my constant companion in this house and its surroundings.  I don't know.  It will probably be difficult to be away and not think of Charlie, but at least there will something else to look at for a week or so. 

Leo, I know how hard it is to be with other couples and see them together.  Most of my friends here are couples, and I know that even though they care about me, we will not have the kind of relationships we had before when I was "part of a couple" also.  It is hard to see others together, holding hands, laughing, and showing affection.  I hope they all realize how precious their time together is and how it can all change in an instant.  Someone once told me that we are all just one phone call away from having our lives change forever.  It rang so true in my case hearing the incredibly horrendous news about Charlie's brain tumor from his doctor over the phone.

I had a call from my supervisor at work today, and I will be going back to work (part-time) the week of Memorial Day.  I really don't feel much like it, but I know I have to get out and start doing something again.  Right now the comfort of my home feels safe to me--going out again in the world is scary.

I receive a daily e-mail from a website called griefshare.org.  They send you a message every day for a year.  It is mostly a religious site, but the first part of their message always rings true with me.  I look forward to reading it every day.  I am not a particularly religious person myself, but I am trying to reconcile my feelings of anger towards God right now and am praying that he forgives me and shows me some reason to go on with my life.

Take care of yourself, Leo, and have a peaceful day.  Someday it will get easier, although we will never stop missing or loving them or wanting them here with us.  I have been there before, and I know.

Keep posting,
Jannie




Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 24, 2010, 05:59:25 PM
Hello Jannie,
Yes, I decided that it is better if I keep posting rather than keeping all inside of me all of the time...I would guess that Charlie's birthday would be difficult for you...my wife's birthday is several months away and I am already thinking of the difficulty for me...we would make each other cards for our birthdays and anniversaries...now there will never be any more...I am crying just at the thought of it...I feel as if I am a ghost peering in at the rest of the world...watch the couples enjoy everything Leo...but no Leo that is not for you...you must just look...you have had yours...now you must wait, suffer and grieve...every step that I take and every breath that I take feels like I am in a stupor...
Going back to work may help you...get your mind on other things...I think in a way that we are doing a disservice to ourselves being in our state of mind every minute...
I think that I might take a nearby trip for a few days and accept an invitation with some friends...they are very kind...they are coming to stay overnight next Saturday...I will see how that goes...I do not believe that I can go on in my present state of mind for many more months and not adversely affect myself...no matter how long I go I can never bring back my wife back...
I like having the photos of my wife and myself as desktop backgrounds on our computers...I still turn her computer on every morning as I did before and our photos pop up...I say good morning to her...I have a different photo on her computer...I am an emotional person but it all seems to get worse everyday...
She had a large flannel shirt that I wear sometimes...the sleeves are a little short but it makes me feel a little closer to her...I  use her car keys too...I can still smell her hair scent on her hair brush...gosh I miss her so...it doesn't seem real that she is gone...I like the digital photo frames so I can view our pictures at different times...they really get me very emotional most of the time so I have to be careful...
I am so sorry that you have to go through such trauma for a second time...I do not know ow you can do it...
You take care and I hope that you have a peaceful night too...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 25, 2010, 04:55:57 AM
Hello to all,
I found, recently, a dried red carnation that I had saved from a surprise birthday party that I had given for my wife...the dried flower was in a container in the back of a desk drawer that I almost never use ...it was from her 29th birthday...that was 30 years ago...some of my friends asked me, at that time, why I would do a party for 29 years rather than on 30th or 35th etc...I said why not...you have to do it when you can because if you wait, that year may never come...my darling wife and I lived life that way always...if you want  to do something, do it now...for tomorrow may never come...last year we mentioned a very nice restaurant to two of our friends...one of our friends said she would like to go but said let's wait for a special occasion...now we will never go with them...it's too late...small point but it illustrates what I am saying...I think sometimes people tend to focus on some aspects of life that are not important...we probably all do at sometime...my wife and I were happy just being together...it did not make any difference what we were doing...just being together was so great...we were such a perfect match...I miss her so very much...I want to be with her...she was my whole life...I have so many happy memories and friends tell me I  am lucky to have those...I think it is part of human nature to want more of a good thing no matter how many times you experience it...I do not know what is happening to me now...my mind wanders...mentally I feel numb...I want to go someplace, maybe, but I do not know where, yet I do not want to leave the comfortable confines of my home, even though it is lonely...it will never be the same now that my dear and loving wife is gone...I want to scream ( last night I cried and did yell very loudly... I know that I am wrecking myself physically )...I am not the same laughing, joking, fun loving person that I used to be...the good days that I knew are gone forever...I turned out the last light as I got into bed last night , oh so reluctantly...tomorrow is here but my wife is not...I must again wander aimlessly through today...what a nightmare I am experiencing...what to do...what to do...nothing my friend...this is it...for me the music has died...thank you for " listening " to me...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: littleha on April 25, 2010, 07:05:29 AM
Hi Leo. Been thinking of you lately. You brought up the dried flower. I am looking at 3 dried red roses right now. They have been in a vase since Cathy got them for a couple of Valentine's day gifts. They are out of reach so there is no danger of falling apart. I really should read up on how to preserve them better. They must be at least 5 or more yrs old. I am sure people have already mentioned to you to keep writing on this site as it really helps to vent where people understand and will not criticize your comments. I am coming up to the 1yr anniversary and inside I know that by being able to write here has helped me immensely over the last yr to at least be able to keep going each day.
Talk to you soon
Allan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 25, 2010, 09:28:12 AM
Hi Allan,
Good to hear from you...hope that you are doing OK...the dried carnation that I have from my wife's 29th birthday was just left at room temperature for several months then put in a white letter envelope and left that way for years...then taken out several years ago and left in an open plastic container...I did not do anything else and it is in remarkably good condition...a few of the petals have fallen off  and are in a stoppered glass container...I got a  few sites that give detailed  advice on how to dry flowers...



http://www.proflowers.com/flowerguide/howtodryflowers

http://www.ag.ndsu.edu/pubs/plantsci/landscap/h1037w.htm

http://www.thegardener.btinternet.co.uk/preserving.html


wishing that all will go well for you and that you find some peace of mind...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 25, 2010, 02:55:37 PM
Hi Leo,

Such a difficult day for me today (Charlie's birthday).  I have been home and crying for most of it--the weather outside is dreary and chilly, like the way I feel.   

I talked to Charlie's daughter earlier today (the first time I have talked to her in a long time).  She has been having a rough time of it also--she was so close to her dad (an only child like myself)--and she is going through a terrible divorce as well right now.  She lives in Florida and will be coming up to NJ Memorial Day weekend to close on her dad's house which sold very quickly.  I am glad for her that she was able to sell so quickly in this terrible market, but I am also so very sad to see new people moving in there this soon.  It has been so hard for me to even look at his house since his passing, and I avoid driving by there every time I go out.

I have been hanging out here all day, crying on and off, and talking to some friends on the phone whom I have been avoiding.  One of my dear friends even managed to make me laugh today, and we plan to do a short trip to Cape May in early June.  She is such a dear friend, and has been calling me all the time (even when I don't answer she leaves messages and worries about me).

Leo, my heart goes out to you and to all of us on here--the pain seems so unbearable at times.  It is hard to imagine that anything will change for us.  We all mourn for the lives we will never have again, and we will just have to live with and through that for as long as we have to.  It is SO hard and SO difficult to wake up each day feeling like there is nothing to get up for, and yet we do.  Maybe it is because we still have the will to go on and hope for better days--I don't know the answer.  Right now I know nothing except the darkness and pain of my grieving.

I am going back to my support group on Wednesday evening.  I'm not sure I even want to or if I will feel better for going, but I am forcing myself to go for now because I need to be with people who can relate to what I am feeling because of their own losses, not only online but on a real-life personal level as well.

I envy you for being able to look at reminders of your dear wife--her pictures, clothes, etc.  I have only been able to put away reminders of Charlie for now, as I have not been able to look at them and not break down completely.   I was hoping to watch a video of his life today that was put together at his funeral, but I knew I couldn't do it this soon.  It's just too painful to look at right now--maybe a year from now--I don't know.

I hope you had a peaceful a day as possible in this terrible time for all of us here on this website.


Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 25, 2010, 05:22:41 PM
Hello Jannie,
Very sorry that you are having a difficult time on Charlie's birthday...I think that your trip and doing things with other people may be good for you...I have been avoiding other people at all costs...when I see people coming from one way I go around to the other side of the house to work on the plants there...it is so unlike me...I was so outgoing ...there is one neighbor that I talk to occasionally...her first husband was killed by a drunk driver in front of their home...I think that most of the time about 1 second in time ( walking ...driving...) could make the difference between life and death..."just a roll of the dice" as my darling wife would say...
Today was very dreary and overcast here as I worked in the garden...my depression has been growing so much...I felt so numb, crying and asked myself "what difference does it make what I do...in the garden...anywhere"...and thought I really and truly did not want to be here...my options obviously are limited...my mind seemed to be darting all over the place...darkness is approaching and I must again face turning the last light out...I wish that I knew what to do with my life...before I was very organized and planning ahead...now I do not even try to plan anything more than going to the store or the garden center or  working in the garden...I still keep the phone off...people know how I feel and they are staying away...at this point I am not planning to go to any grief counseling sessions here...
I guess I should sign off as I am just rambling and repeating now...wishing you and all here as peaceful an evening as possible...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 26, 2010, 04:07:16 AM
Hello to everyone,
I got to bed earlier last night...around 11 PM...only woke up once which is good for me...got up at 5 AM...so 6 hours is good...I said good morning to my darling wife, hugged her bathrobe that I keep on her side of the bed and fought to keep off the tears...I have just gotten so exhausted from all the crying...most of the time the tears just come...can't hold back...now to face another day...I sit here with my double espresso...my wife never drank coffee but she would like the aroma as I would make my espresso...during her last days I would go to her bedside with my "il caffŤ " and sit with the wonderful partner that I no longer have...I would give her a kiss and tell her that I love her...I can't do that any more... I am working myself up again but feel that I have to write it down...thoughts are moving through my mind so rapidly...I used to be outgoing, plan trips with my wife, organize things to do with our friends, joke around, a happy go lucky person...I liked to make my dear wife and friends laugh a lot...now I am such an empty shell of a man...hollow, numb, no purpose, keeping my phone turned off, avoiding people...it's as  if I had a dual personality and the exact opposite of me has emerged...what to do with this person with whom I am not familiar...I know that I should try and do something with my friends but everyday that goes by and I am alone it makes it more difficult to try...in a way I want to be alone and think of my darling...I know that if I am with people that I will not be able to express my true feelings...I am sure that friends would recount some happy memories but the subject would have to change to other things...for now I do not want to discuss other things...it is difficult to focus on what they are saying...my mind is wandering constantly...my wife was my whole life...I still ask why this happened to us...I know that there is no answer but I still ask "why us?"..."why us?"...I felt that we were good people always...I just get emails from friends now...some say get a dog or get away and change my environment for a while...that it is not good to be alone for such a long time...it has been 45 days since I lost her...she was here with me and in a flash she is but a memory...I miss her so very much...I have the TV on in the kitchen just to break the silence...nothing to look forward to as I sit and " wait "..." wait "...
" wait "...
I worked for quite a while in her garden yesterday...after I finished it rained a lot which is good for all the new flowers that I have planted...it is light out now...looks misty ( the way that my mind feels most of the time )...wishing that all here find some peace of mind...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 26, 2010, 04:51:35 PM
Hello to everyone,
It's me again...sorry to be posting again but I have absolutely no one around me to whom I can grieve much...I know that it is Ok to tell you all how I feel...I thought that there were 1or 2 people who were Ok with my grieving here but I sense that is fading now...even for some of the people here who have lost a partner it usually is in the 5 -15 years time frame since they suffered...I wonder if they have adjusted better or maybe were not as close to each other...I mentioned in an earlier post that many of our couple friends do a lot of things and travel ( inside and outside the country ) without their partners...the only ones who understand and " listen " are all the people on this site...I am just having such a difficult time in my mind with the finality of my situation...I had such extreme sadness today...it was very intense and such a feeling of isolation...I cried so much in the car, house and store...I wear sunglasses and a ball cap pulled low...even in the stores...I can accept invitations and join the various couples who have invited me to do things with them but as an odd person out...even accepting that I can't stand the thought of never seeing my beautiful soul mate, my life long partner, my darling wife, my everything...it is agony and sadness the likes of which I have never come close to experiencing...maybe if there was close family it might be a little acceptable...I feel so desperate and do not know where to turn...I do not care for my existence at all...I just have to exist for the time being...
I had some photos made today from digital pics...most were of my dear wife...I going to make a two framed collages of smaller photos and have a couple of enlargements made...my biggest problem is I go to pieces emotionally when I start to look at them...I still have not looked at them all...they remind me of the good times that we had when we  were on trips...my greatest enjoyment and happiest moments were being able to share it all with her, my one love, and see her warm smile...by myself it would mean nothing...I would be interested in how many of you have overcome such sadness and disruption in your lives? do you just try and block things out a little, have close family, do a lot with friends?  does your mind just get numb and nonreactive after a while...did you try and get away your homes for a while? Jannie, I know you said your situation is similar to mine...sounds as if you are experiencing much of what I am going through...again I am so sorry that this is your second time in an extreme grief situation...I can't imagine going through two such situations...
My wife cut my hair for over thirty years...I tried to cut it myself the other day...I did the front OK but I can't get to the back...it is getting longer...she grew most of our vegetables organically...that is too much for me to do now...the garden, cutting the lawn, trimming shrubs etc and the house are more than enough to handle...I do not have any kind of help...I did not get out to the garden today...I had several errands to do...I sent my mother-in-law two boxes of "groceries" today...she is going on 86 and is on a very limited income...my former neighbors who were coming to stay overnight this Saturday now say they will stop in only for a few hours...it was somewhat disappointing to me as they are the only people with whom I feel comfortable. I have known them for about 25 years and we have had many good times together.
Wishing you all a peaceful evening...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: barbp on April 26, 2010, 05:17:09 PM
Leo,

I can related very well to you. Even though Jeff and I did not even have a fraction of the time you had with your wife together, we were attached at the hip. We did everything together. I wish I had a roomate, someone to talk to in the evening. The loneliness is so hard to bare.

I started my new job today, I have no choice, it already will not be enough to make ends meet but it will help. I think I will have to file for bankruptcy. :(

Being at work helped, I even laughed! But when I walked into my empty apartment I broke down sobbing again and I have not stopped crying for more than 10 minutes since. Fixed myself supper, longing for Jeff to be standing in the kitchen telling me to sit down because he wants to prepare a new creation for me. :(

I had bought shrimp and various other ingredients for shrimp stir fry on the Friday before his death because that's what he planned on fixing on Saturday, just looking at it in the freezer turns me into a sobbing mess. :(
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 26, 2010, 09:33:04 PM
Leo,

I just read your latest post and have so much to say, but I am so tired and weary tonight that I cannot even type.  I was up all night last night and had an exhausting day today.

I will write tomorrow when I have a clearer head and hopefully get some much needed sleep tonight.

Hoping you had a peaceful night--please hang in there.


Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 27, 2010, 03:04:38 PM
Hello Leo,

Well, I took some melatonin last night and got some decent sleep for a change--it does help, but emotionally nothing helps much. 

I wish that there were some words or a magic pill that could make this all go away for you, for me, and for everyone here on this site, but, unfortunately, there is not.  As for the finality of it all, that is very difficult to accept, but we have to eventually, as there is nothing else we can do.  It is very hard to accept the fact that we will never again see or hold our loved ones in this life.  I try to picture Charlie's face in my mind a hundred times a day because I am so afraid I will forget it, and I cannot bear to look at pictures right now.

I disagree with you about those of us whose relationships had a shorter duration than your own.  We missed out on so many of the years and good times and the plans that we made.  You were fortunate to have had that.  I know it doesn't make it any easier--we all want more than what we had, but it is not in our hands to decide these things.

Some of my coping mechanisms have been to watch movies (something I have always done) and read.  Right now I am watching a long series on WWII, and I just finished an 800+-page book over the weekend.  It gives my mind a rest from grief, although I sometimes get distracted by my thoughts and have to go back and "rewind" or reread pages.  I spoke to one of my dear friends over the weekend, and we are planning to go away for a weekend in early June.  I really don't feel much like going at this point, but she misses me (I haven't seen her for a while), and I know I have to force myself to get out as you should also.  I think it was you who said in an earlier post that we are perhaps doing ourselves a disservice by spending so much time alone, and I think you are right about that.  We can't "hole" up forever even though it is comfortable right now.  I could not bear to be out with couples either and be the "third wheel" in the group.  It's okay, because no one is really asking me anyways!!  I have a good friend who lives here who is a widow and about my age, and she keeps asking me to do things with her, but I told her that I would tell her when I am ready, just not right now.

Maybe you should not force yourself to do those pictures right now if it is too hard on you.  I know I couldn't do it right now.  It would be much too painful for me.  Take a break from the gardening for a few days if it is getting too hard for you.  You need to be kinder to yourself--I'm sure your wife would not have wanted you to be working so hard. 

This is a wonderful place to come to share our grief with others, but it does not compare to being in a real support group with real people who are crying and grieving and feeling the same way.  You would be surprised how many other people are hurting as we are, and actually seeing them, talking to them, and being with them is a comfort that we cannot give each other here, especially those of us who have no family to support us.  I don't know if you had hospice care for your wife when she was sick, but they offer bereavement support groups everywhere.  And there are so many others that you can find in your area if you look for them.

How is your mother-in-law coping with this?  Does she live nearby?  I was sorry to hear about your friends' change of plans.  At least you will get to see them for a few hours and have someone to talk to who you are comfortable with.  I have some dear friends who were friends with both Charlie and me who are the only ones I feel comfortable sharing my grief with because they are so compassionate and caring and never get tired of hearing me cry and ask "why."

I was able to get out for a bit today and get some things done.  I, too, walk around most of the time with my sunglasses on to hide my swollen and red eyes.  I was on the way to get my nails done earlier this afternoon, and I passed the florist where Charlie's funeral flowers came from, and I started to break down in the car!  Still so hard to get a handle on these waves of emotions that seem to come out of nowhere at times.

Leo, I hope you had a good a day as you possibly can right now.  I wish there were more comforting words I could offer you, but I think I have said enough for now.


Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 27, 2010, 06:48:20 PM
Hello Jannie,
I was not referring to relationships of shorter duration than mine.. I did not clarify it enough:
".even for some of the people here who have lost a partner it usually is in the 5 -15 years time frame since they suffered"  I meant to say it has been many years since they lost their partner...this was in reference to my friends "here" in my community...I should have added  "their loss"  after suffered. I was trying to imply that they had a longer time to heal since they suffered their loss...  I would never try and put any kind of measurement on degree of suffering or pain based on the duration of a relationship...that is impossible to do...the loss of a partner is a huge loss period...likewise the duration of grieving would not be an indication of how much a person cares for a lost partner...everyone has their own unique way and time frame...
I feel as if all my days are so senseless...no meaning...I am concerned that if I dig too deep of a "depression hole" for myself I may not be able to get out...
I have been OK sleeping ...not great but I not waking up as much during the night...getting  to bed near midnight and up before 6 AM...I did do some outside work...only about an hour...felt very drained today...I did go through more of my wife's pictures and had to stop a few times...I don't want to put them away...I love looking at her face with her warm smile...it is so surreal...she was here and then gone...just like that...she is a memory...I do not know if all my crying is "good" as it is so painful...I have increased my vitamin C, B complex and B12 ( sublingual ) levels because I certainly am increasing the stress on my body big time and the need for these goes up a lot...
I feel like such a different person mentally...I have this heavy weight on my person...especially in my chest area that doesn't go away...had a croupy-like cough for many days...a little better today...just feel a wreck...
At some point I will have to do something with a few people...I find that I am gravitating more and more away from everyone...phones still off...almost never talking to anyone in person...it is 46 days since I lost my love...I too think that I should go away by myself for a while...maybe I will feel like it in early Fall...I feel comfortable in our home with  my wife's photos, garden, remembrances, all of her things...I still use her computer room everyday...I realize that all of the material things mean nothing at all without the love of my life...August 12th would have been 33 years since we met...she always made me so happy...it makes me so sad that all on this site have to experience such pain and agony...
My mother-in-law lives very far away...I call her periodically...mail her things...
I hope that all on this site experience some degree of tranquility and peace of mind at some point...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 28, 2010, 06:13:23 AM
Hello to all,
I woke up this morning to an empty bed next to me again...it is so strange not to see my dear wife next to me...such a hollow feeling, such agonizing pain...I am so alone...I just had to start writing something down...anything...I can't keep it inside of me...none of my friends here ( my community ) really understand at all...many of the couples are not as close as my wife and I are...the guys do many things with the guys...or take trips alone for weeks...the gals go shopping, play cards or go on trips with the gals...we did everything together and I loved every minute being with her...I know that my friends are concerned about me...but I can't open myself up to them...express how I feel deep down...I thought I had a few who would listen but they are growing weary now...another friend showed up unannounced again yesterday, after I had asked him to let me know in advance if he wants to come over...I may be alienating some of my friends with my behavior...I don't know...maybe they are not worth being my friends if they do not understand...
I said in a previous post that so much of life is "conditioning" to various aspects...I have to try my hardest to condition/brainwash myself to this " new life " that was thrust upon me...that is all there is to it, this is it Leo, this is it...plant that thought firmly in your mind...you have this new, sad, painful and agonizing life...all alone...sad but so very true... if I can't do this I will cease to be able to exist to any extent...at times my mind is racing constantly in various directions about what course we should have taken regarding her illness...this one and maybe she would still be here...that one...the " what ifs " or " should haves " are imponderables and get me no where but I still find myself going that route...
I have her garden areas in decent shape now...it is going to keep me busy a lot but she loved it so much...she was such a marvelous, kind and beautiful woman...inside and out...such a travesty! I know that all on this site are experiencing the same extreme tragedies...my heart goes out to you for having to bear such pain and sadness...
Two of the large, helium-filled balloons that I got in early November for her birthday are still afloat in her computer room...I can see her big smile when I brought them into her...I get so choked up sometimes that it is difficult to swallow...every place that I go now I see her...the various stores...nurseries...her garden...the house...
I'll stop now...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 28, 2010, 09:48:53 AM
Hi Leo,

Sorry I misunderstood about the "duration of relationship" thing.  I reread your post, and it was me who  misunderstood.

I took the melatonin again last night (too late I might add) and woke myself up from a very disturbing dream involving my mother (who passed away in 1996) and another person (unknown, but I am assuming it was either Charlie or my husband) who lay dying in another room in my mom's house which has long since been sold.  I wonder if it was from the melatonin.  After that (around 3:30 am) I had difficulty getting back to sleep again, so I am wiped out again today.

I just had my landscaper here to give me a price on doing some work.  I am badly in need of mulch and cannot do it myself, so he is going to come back and do it for me in about a week.  It is very windy and chilly here today, and I am not ready to do flowers yet.  I won't do much this year because I don't have the desire to do it without Charlie, but I will get out there and do some pots when it warms up a little more (supposedly the next few days).

I am going to my support group tonight.  It's just the second time I am going.  I am looking forward to it because I think I am spiraling down a little again the past couple of days. 

My landscaper and I have known each other for a while, and he was shocked to learn about Charlie.  He told me about a man he is friends with who just lost his wife to cancer and is lost without her.  It made me think of you.

I was alone for 12 years after my husband passed away and before I gave my heart to Charlie, so I am used to being alone.  I had adjusted to living alone and was content with my life.  However, Charlie came in and changed everything, and now I am finding out that having someone to share your life with is the best thing that can happen to a person.  And now that has been taken away from me once again.  It is SO difficult to accept.  People tell me I am a strong person and a survivor, but I am tired of being strong.  I have done it for so long.

I am crying as I write this--I hope your day is going better than mine so far.  I guess being tired isn't helping today either.


Take care of yourself,
Jannie
 

 









Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 28, 2010, 06:45:11 PM
Hi Jannie,
Hope that you are feeling a little better after so little sleep...I went to bed a few minutes before midnight and was up around 4:45AM...felt tired/wiped out and went back to bed for a little while...mostly awake...
Good luck at your support group tonight...I hope you benefit from it...
I worked outside and did some errands...trying to keep busy but difficult to stay focused...took some of my wife's photos to be framed and broke down in front of the owner when he said that the photos were so nice...he was very understanding...his mother passed away 10 days before my wife...and the 50 year old wife of his friend was just killed locally in a car accident...not her fault...so many times I am hearing about all of these tragedies...when I was growing up I don't recall very many incidents...but my mother had a large family and we had many relatives...seemed like almost all got up into their mid 80's and 90's...I know there are a lot more people now...and information dissemination is much faster...but it does not seem  proportional to me...
We have a large tree in our backyard...it had a large branch pruned off a about a year ago...I carved our initials where the large branch was pruned and enclosed them in a heart...I did it with a power drill...
I heard from my friends who are coming Saturday and they are going to stay overnight after all...I must have " sounded " disappointed in and earlier response to them...
I have put in a lot of flowers and  mulch...now I have to take care of it all...everywhere I go there are so many constant reminders oy my dear wife...the plant seeds in envelopes to be used now for a variety of vegetables, she would be buying several tomato plants...I am going to have to let that go for now...it is going to be difficult trying to keep up what I have now...with the things that I have been trying to do on most days I still feel so numb and like I do not belong to the world...the crying is so exhausting...I know that I have many happy memories but even dwelling on them makes me so sad and I cry and cry...I sit here in silence except for the faint ticking of a wall clock...we would be doing something...talking, hugging, kissing, playing cards, watching TV...such a travesty for me and all of the other unfortunate people on this site who have suffered...I am so sorry for all of us...I wish there was something that I could do...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 29, 2010, 04:10:11 PM
Hi Leo,

Hope you had a decent day.  I slept in a little late because I had another bad night (getting used to not sleeping now), but my body is feeling the strain every day.

I sat out in the sun with my neighbor across the street today and had a nice conversation.  Her husband has so many things wrong with him that it is hard to believe he is still here, but they are going on a big trip out west next week.  She is overweight and dealing with a lot of health issues as well, but they are going, hoping for the best.  I find myself envying them, although I know it won't be an easy trip for them.  She says it is his last wish.

I went out afterwards to Lowe's and bought 7 different herb plants, and I will plant them this weekend.  I am also going to try my hand at some tomatoes (Charlie was going to do those for me).  I didn't buy any flowers yet, but I will get to that soon.  It's so hard to do this without Charlie, but I do enjoy cooking and use a lot of herbs when I cook, so it will be nice to have them and less expensive than buying them and having them go bad on me.

Friends of ours invited me to a "spring get-together" May 14th.  It's all couples except for my widowed friend Judy.  All the couples were friends of both Charlie and me, and I don't think I can handle going.  It will be too hard to be with couples who are happy and whose lives have not been turned upside down.  To make it worse, Charlie and I were planning a "spring get-together" ourselves when we returned from our winter vacation.  Now it will never happen.

My support group last night was pretty good.  I met a nice woman who lost her husband to prostate cancer in November.  They were married 53 years.  She just came back from a cruise that was planned with her husband.  She went with 42 other people (most of them couples).  She was going to cancel it (they had insurance on it), but her friends urged her to go.  I give her a lot of credit for going.  I'm not sure I could.  Hospice and their bereavement group are having a memorial service on May 22nd for all those who have died since November, so I am thinking about going.  Another couple who attend are having a birthday celebration later that same day for their daughter (only child) who was killed in an auto accident last July.  They also invited everyone from the bereavement group.

I'm glad your friends changed their mind about staying over.  I hope you have a good visit with them and that they are able to bring some comfort to you.

I feel like half of me is still with Charlie, and the other half is struggling to go forward--hard as it is.  Each day I force myself to get out of bed and do what I have to, but it is exhausting, and I do only what I have to and leave the rest for another day.  I am so tired again tonight--hoping for some sleep.  I have to work 4 days in a row at the end of May and don't know how I am going to manage, but I said I would help out, so I will have to force myself.  In June I hope to be going back to my regular schedule of 16 hours/week.  That is plenty!  I work as a food demonstrator and haven't worked since Thanksgiving, so it will be difficult going back, but everyone says it will be good for me, and I guess they are right. 

Have a peaceful evening, and may tomorrow be better than today for all of us.

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 29, 2010, 07:09:22 PM
Hello to everyone,
I am trying to keep busy and that seems to help me somewhat...however, as soon as I direct attention to my wife...photos, things around the house...it gets me to a very low point...I had some  business in a city about 45 minutes away so I had to try and stay focused with all the traffic...I had a " situation " with a " friend " today...do not know if anyone else has had this happen...first he stopped over unannounced...but that was OK because I was working outside...then he invited me to a mother's day dinner with his family, children and spouses ( 3 couples ) at their club...I thanked him and declined...then he asked me to go out to dinner another night with some other people...again I declined...to which he said in a not so tactful manner..." well you can't undo it or bring her back...you have to get on with your life and you can't stay in your house all the time"... I told him in a very forceful manner that I will be the judge of when I am ready to do things and not him and that I will let people know...I feel like a lot of people are at me...I think that when I go away I am not going to tell a soul...I really like being at our home and would rather stay here but there are too many people around...question...do any of you feel as if people are too insistent or trying to force you into doing things before you feel you are ready? I know that they are well intentioned and are concerned that I do not have any family but......I think that I could become a recluse without much effort...
I had one neighbor comment about someone who cried for 2-3 months when he lost his wife...then days later she said someone cried for for almost 6 months when he lost his wife...indicating that the longer one was more upset...why do people try and  measure which situation is " worse "...to  me they are all sad and agonizing...no one can possibly know the degree of pain or sadness that someone is experiencing...the loss of a loved one is horrible...

Hi Jannie,
I know what you mean...I have been feeling dragged out...especially today...the 2 hours of driving in traffic didn't help...things got better as the day went on though...I wait as long as I can before I turn the last light out which has been close to midnight...unfortunately, I still wake up around the same time around 5-6 AM...
It sounds as if you are trying to do more things and that seems to be good...my activities are centered around the garden and inside the house now...
I am glad that your support group went well...that is too bad about the spring get together...I know how you feel...I don't mind talking to 1-2 people...but I have no desire to be in a crowd of couples...I feel so strange being alone with out my dear wife...I have been upset over losing her and it really drags me down when I dwell on it...I still can't help but ask WHY...such a wonderful woman...there is no justice at all...this should never have happened to her...during the course of my " trip " today I saw an older couple who looked as if they were in very poor health but in my mind I thought " they still have each other "...the other day when I was talking to a friend and I mentioned that my wife and I were soul mates and he said he and his wife were not...
I really started crying today in the car in heavy traffic and I have to be careful as my eyes really blurred up...these emotional waves flare up out of nowhere if I start thinking about my situation...I do not know what I am going to do...part of me says I don't want to go on...everything is meaningless without my love...
My friends will be here Saturday around 6 P.M...so I have to get a number of things ready...I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have asked for an overnight stay...in normal times I would not mind but I will never be in normal times again...I said that I would cook dinner so I will have to stay very focused...I keep a lot of herbs growing and use them in cooking...my wife would have started planting all the vegetables by now...I can't handle them this year...I think that my crying spells are really draining me of much energy...that may be part of the reason I feel so wiped out...it will be 49 days tomorrow since she left this world...I better not start thinking of the reality of the situation because it will do me in again...it gets bad when I focus on all of the events of the past several months...there are many sad reminders around the house as well as good ones...
again I am sorry that every one here is experiencing such pain and sadness...
Leo
 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on April 29, 2010, 09:11:06 PM
Hi Leo
   I understand everything you write, I also was so close to my husband, and we did everything together, we were never apart for 43 years, except when I had my children.  We loved each other so much,  I understand how you feel, my chest also is tight all the time, my husband passed on April 6th, I feel like it is not real, like i am still dreaming, and I will wake up, and everything will be OK, he was a healthy 60 year old man who walked 3 miles everyday and we thought we were eating healthy, and he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and 3 weeks later he passed away, it is so sick, I just can't digest what happened, my brain does not want to accept it.  I hope I can be strong, He did a lot for me, I don"t know how to live without him, I only sleep with the help of a pill (ambian), otherwise I will be up all night and I won't last to long without sleep.  I am going to go to a bereavement group on Monday,. I am hoping that they can help me figure out what happened????I just don't know Leo, I am  hurting so bad.
Take  care,
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on April 30, 2010, 04:18:25 AM
Hello Karen,
I can feel your pain from here...all the things that you say are  how I feel...I am not planning on any support group though...it may be a mistake...the loneliness, sadness and pain are ripping me apart without my dear wife...towards the end she said to me " you will be OK "...it is 7 weeks today and it doesn't seem real...it doesn't seem OK...it has been getting worse...I want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out...I want to be with her...when she was ill, she was so concerned about three of her friends who had cancer too...she was copying several inspirational cds, that we had gotten for her, so they could have something to help them out...no one was aware that my dear wife was ill...she was such a caring, wonderful person...what a huge loss for the physical world...I want so much to hold her in my arms...what can I say, Karen, why do these things happen to our loved ones...my mother died of pancreatic cancer at age 61...she was around about 6 months after diagnosis...before she passed away she told me that she went went through hell with the chemo treatments and that she could not stand any more...my mother told me that when she told the physician that she did not want any more he said "you are a selfish person"...her exact words to me...the drug was relatively new at the time and I am assuming that they wanted to gather more clinical data for this drug...when she left the hospital she said it was put down something like " discharged without medical advice or consent "...why would you tell a terminally ill person that they are very selfish? I was very close to my mother...she influenced my life so much...my father was away working a lot so he was not home very much...I do not know what to tell you...I am at a loss myself...my life is gone without my darling...we were one and were inseparable...I am so alone...things will never be the same for you and me...try and take care of yourself...I hope that each day you find  at least a little peace and improvement...our choices are very limited...live and survive or pass on...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on April 30, 2010, 03:53:20 PM
Hi Leo,

This was part of my daily e-mail from griefshare.org.  Thought it was something we could all relate to.


Grief Can Ambush
Day 28

No matter how long it has been, you still carry a portion of your grief with you. Emotions you already dealt with come flooding back at the most unexpected times. Grief's timing is not your timing.

Elisabeth Elliot says, "One day after my husband died, I was in the grocery store picking up the things that I needed, throwing them into my basket, and suddenly I found myself absolutely shaking with sobs. Fortunately, there was no one else in that particular aisle. I couldn't explain it. Grief does strange things to you at times.



Day 28 refers to the number of days I have been receiving these daily e-mails.

So true, isn't it?  I have been outside most of the day today delivering our monthly newspaper in our village here.  I have a route of 27 homes, and I only have to do it once a month, so it's not bad--gets me out moving.  Charlie always helped me with it, so now even this is hard to do.  When I came back, I forced myself to do some outside work for a couple of hours.  I am only doing a little at a time, because it is all I can do for now.  Ordinarily, I would have done much more, but then I wasn't doing it all alone.

The weather here is very warm and sunny and expected to be that way tomorrow as well, so I will plant my herbs tomorrow and do some trimming.  I put out my patio furniture today, so that is done now too.

My supervisor called today and asked if I could work one day next week.  I made up an excuse because I really don't feel like it until I have to do it later in May. 

I slept better last night, but my allergies and my grief are dragging me down right now.  When I think about never seeing Charlie again, it's so hard to deal with.  There will be new people moving in his house soon, and that will be really hard to see, but in a way, maybe it will help me to accept the finality of what has happened.  I talked to his neighbor across from him this afternoon, and she asked me why I never drive down that way any more.  I told her I can't look at his empty house--it hurts too much.

I know what you mean about the crying being so exhausting--it really is.  I wake up in the morning with "sand" in my eyes and find it hard to focus until I wash my face.  Instead of planting and enjoying the nice weather and planning for the summer months with Charlie, I am attending bereavement support groups and memorial services and crying every day for a life I will never have again.  This was not supposed to happen (to any of us).

It sounds like you are a very private person, and I respect that.  It must have been very difficult for you to not share your wife's illness with anyone.  I can't even imagine going through that all alone.  I was fortunate enough to be with Charlie's family (his daughter and 3 grandchildren) at the end, but "the end" was only 3 weeks between diagnosis and death.  When he finally took his last breath, I was the only one in the room with him. 

Leo, I hope your day was better than yesterday as we journey through this black hole that has become our existence for now.  I hope your friends can offer you some comfort tomorrow.  Try and enjoy their visit if you can.  I'm sure they are very concerned about you as my friends are for me.  As I write this, my widowed friend Judy just stopped by to say hello.  She was on her way somewhere, but was worried about me because I never return her phone calls.  We sat outside for a little while, then she was on her way.  I really don't want to keep avoiding friends, but for now that is what I am comfortable with.  She is going on a trip in October with another friend (who I know also) to visit the national parks and asked me if I was interested.  I told her I would think about it, but I know I probably will not do it. 

Hoping you have a peaceful evening,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on April 30, 2010, 08:25:57 PM
Hi Leo
    I wish that I would have gone with him, but that didn't happen, I always told him that I had to go first, but that didn't happen either, so now what???   We try to go on, minute to minute, I went to work today for the first time it was very hard,  I really am hoping that the group grief counseling will help, why don't you consider it, it may help you, I miss Johnny more than anything, I sleep with his hat like it is a teddy bear, and he is on the night stand with pictures all around.  I don't know what is in the future for me, I can't think past today.
Leo I know you are in pain, try to talk to someone, it will help
Take Care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 01, 2010, 05:03:03 AM
Hi Jannie,
It sounds as if you are doing a little more everyday and over time I think that is good...it does take your mind off of Charlie a little...I do not think that it is good to constantly dwell on our loved ones at this stage of our loss...it doesn't mean that we don't care as much...I know it is difficult not to do... it is good, I think, to take a little time out...just enough to try and let our bodies recuperate some...I have been preparing for my guests tonight and yesterday was very busy...doing something and then crying and so on...I still am not getting to bed early but slept until almost 6:30 A.M. which is late for me...I have to go shopping this A.M...I am going early to avoid running into friends...my guests will be here around 6 P.M....they were former neighbors when we lived in another state and we had a lot of fun with them...they are my wife's age...the wife has been so understanding of my loss...sending me many emails...coming to visit me earlier this month...in a way I am looking forward to their visit but part of me feels a little uncomfortable...they are both very nice but I can't open up to anyone unless I write it here...I know that I can do many things if I put my mind to it...there is a movie called " Rudy " it is a true story...it is about a young boy who wants to play football for Notre Dame...he is very small...about 5' 6" and weighs about 150 pounds...he keeps trying and trying and trying to improve his grades and athletic skills...he has so much heart and is taking a beating on the practice field...when something  happens he doesn't quit and keeps telling the coach "I can do it coach...I can do it "...it is a very motivational film...I would say to my wife so many times when the going was getting tough..." I can do it coach...I can do it "... those words bring tears to my eyes because it brings back memories of the late stages  surrounding her illness to my mind...I am trying to wander through this maze that was shoved into my life...I do not know if I can make it out...it is 50 days today since she left...seems like an eternity being without her so long...nothing matters...the house...the things inside the house...me...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 01, 2010, 05:04:06 AM
Hello Karen,
Thank you for your note...I hear what you are saying...I had related in an earlier post about a business person relating the tragedy of his friend...the friend's 50 year-old wife was driving locally...near my house about 2 months ago...another car going in the opposite direction fishtailed off the edge of the newly repaired road and smashed into her car...she was killed...my friend asked me if I would want to talk to him...I said yes but I am having second thoughts...I feel so very private about discussing my personal life with anyone...it is just me...it is the way I am...I used to be very outgoing and friendly but very private...my wife and I were always very private about our personal lives...I am so sorry that you are experiencing such emotional distress and hope that in time you will find some peace...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 02, 2010, 11:09:21 AM
Hello to everyone...
Where do I start? I had guests come yesterday and they spent the night at our house...they were former neighbors in another state and my wife and I knew them well...they are nice people...they were an 1 1/2 hr late in arriving...after 7 P.M.... I had been preparing since the night before and from early A.M. on Saturday for their arrival...I had so many things that I was doing...the most difficult was setting the table for dinner...not setting a place for my dear wife really made me so sad...such a sudden rush of emotion...so alone...hammering home again the reality of it all...my dear wife is not here! I did not feel up to going through with everything but obviously they were on their way here already and I was committed...then it was a late dinner and I was on the move constantly...they arrived and the husband was similar to what I have experienced with most men...not much emotion...not in a bad way but hard for me to relate...I felt myself almost trying to hold back, because I did not think he understood how I felt, but there were times when I cold not...the wife is much more understanding...it made me realize that I still do not want to be around other people...they do not want to hear or feel comfortable with my constant grief...they simply do not understand...I do not want to engage in what I consider idle conversation...I am so focused on thinking about my wife...I realized that I do not have a life that I like or that I want...without her I have no meaning...I am just so sad and despondent...everything is all so useless...it took me more than three hours, after my guests left today, to vacuum, mop floors, wash sheets, towels, dishes etc and get the house back in order...I could not wait until they left so that I could come here and express my feelings...I do not think that I want to have many overnight guests...if any...I feel totally exhausted now...now I am alone but my friends still have each other...and that is the way it will be for me from now on... did not get to bed until almost 1 A.M. and got up at 6:45...get breakfast ready...I should have gone with my dear wife because I am just a shell of a man now without purpose...I am afraid that if I go away some place else that the loneliness and sadness will be worse because I will be in strange surroundings...no home, no garden, none of her photos, none of her things or the reminders around the house ( my friends want me to go spend time with them...they live about 3 1/2 hours from me )...I miss my darling wife so very much...I love her so very much...it is not real that she is gone...sometimes when I am  laying on our sofa in the great room I close my eyes...not really asleep...my mind wanders a little and then I open my eyes and am ready to start saying something to her almost as if I think she is sitting there...and then in a flash I realize that she is no longer here...this kind of scenario has happened to me several times...I keeping hoping with all my heart that this is just a bad dream and that soon we will be together again...I wonder where my life will lead me now...I guess it does not matter since my wonderful woman is not here...we went through the mental anguish while she was still on this earth and now it is the incredible sadness and anguish that I must bear forever...I feel a little better after writing these things down but the intense pain still remains...how does anyone ever approach getting anywhere near to accepting the finality of it all?
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 02, 2010, 03:31:40 PM
Hello Leo,

I'm sorry your visit with your friends was so difficult.  Perhaps you shouldn't have tried to tackle overnight guests this soon.  I know I couldn't do it.  My friend who will be visiting in July from Florida wants to stay over, but I already told her I could not do it.  She is the type of person who always "overstays her welcome", so I had to tell her no.  She has other places to go, so it's okay, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.  I am not up to entertaining her for 5 or 6 days and nights (her usual stay)!

I hate weekends--it justs drives home the fact that I am alone again without Charlie or any family.  Somehow the weekdays are easier to bear.  It does somehow seem like a bad dream that we will wake up from, but the reality is that it is not, and we can't change that no matter how hard we wish it.  Friends and other people who have not been through loss cannot understand what we are going through, and sometimes they can be unfeeling and even "brutal" in their advice.  We just have to try and blow it off.  That is why support groups are useful--people there are going through the same thing and can relate and not judge us.  I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I think you would benefit since you, like me, have no family for support. 

It is so quiet in my house this afternoon.  I haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone today.  The weather here has been unusually hot today (around 90), and I have no energy to do anything except mope around here and feel sorry for myself.  I don't know when we will feel a little better, Leo, but I know that we have to keep trying for our loved ones.  I know they wouldn't want us to feel this way forever. 

I tried to connect a router to my laptop this afternoon to be able to use it on my porch or outside (BIG MISTAKE).  I couldn't get it to work (and I am usually pretty good with these things).  I ended up really messing up my laptop, and I had to talk to who knows who in what country to get my laptop to work again.  I was losing my patience by the second, so I told her to forget about the router for now.  I just couldn't deal with it any more. 

Tomorrow is supposed to be cooler here, so I will try and get outside and plant those herbs and do some more work outside.  I am wiped out tonight from doing NOTHING!

Wishing you a peaceful evening.  Keep posting--it does help to come here and vent our feelings. 

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 02, 2010, 04:11:23 PM
Hi Jannie,
You are right...it was way too soon for me to have guests...let alone over night...I had invited them initially because they were going to be driving within 8 miles of our house on their way back from another destination...I thought it would be different since I have known them for 26 years...they were very considerate last night and said they would not stay if I was not up to it...by then it was 9 P.M. and I did not have the heart to send them off on a 3 1/2 hour drive...they were on their way back from their original destination and had a long day plus a 3 + hour drive...they want me to go stay with them but I am not going to do it...I have to get used to this solitary life...I may as well start now...I feel like such a different person since my wife has been gone...it is so lonely without her...I used to be such a people person...I am at a total loss and want to be alone...I am glad to have this site to come to and get some things off my mind...I better get some rest tonight...hope that things start changing for the better for you and everyone else on this site...so many tragedies have been experienced on this site it is difficult to take it all in...I can't comprehend all the pain and anguish that people are experiencing...for now I am still going to pass on attending any support group...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 02, 2010, 09:46:39 PM
Hi Leo
  Everything you say about your wife I feel about my husband, but you express it so perfectly, I am not so good at putting my feelings into words, I feel like you are writing for me also, I loved him very much, and miss him terribly, and I am lost without him.  But I am running myself to the ground, trying to keep myself to busy with mindless work.,  like a robot,  Well tomorrow is my first group counseling, lets see if there is any hope there for help,  I need to believe this really happened, I just don't understand it.
Take Care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 03, 2010, 02:58:18 AM
Morning Leo,

I have been up most of the night--just cannot get to sleep.  Just so restless, and my mind keeps spinning with thoughts and memories. 

I received this e-mail this morning and thought I would pass it along. 

You Cannot Go Back
Day 31

Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there.

"I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can't go back. You can't stay here. You must go forward," says Dr. Ray Pritchard. "There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go."


I am going back to bed to try and get a few hours of sleep if I can.

Have a good day.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 03, 2010, 05:21:00 AM
Hello to all,
It's me again...I made it through another night...I sit half mindless at my computer with my espresso...got more sleep ( or should I say bed time ) last night than I have since I do not know when...7 1/2 hours...still feel exhausted from all that has been going on and the overnight visit of my friends...woke up about 3:30 A.M. and could not get back to sleep...many thoughts of my wife started whirling through my mind...seemed to be awake for some time...was going to get up but I knew that I would feel more of a wreck in the morning...this morning I thought to myself that my wife and I were on this wonderful train ride and we were having the best of times and so much in love...then abruptly, she was put off the train...everyday I look from the back of the train as it gets farther and farther from my dear wife's stop...it is so distant now...52 days distant...I can't see her station anymore...I wanted to get off with her but they would not let me...I miss her so much...I love her so much...she is my everything...I want her back...I shed so many tears...but nothing changes...the agony of it all...I want to keep all of her memories fresh in my mind always...I was so very fortunate to be a part of her life...so many times I feel that I do not want to go on...what is the sense...I know that some times my friends will say something to spur me on but I don't care what people say should be done...they are not me and absolutely no one knows how I feel...they may think they do based on what they have read about " normal responses "...they can give opinions and statistics from surveys on what is said to be normal or what stages people go through...but I am an individual and may be reacting just a little different from what "normal " people do...all they can do is relate how " they feel or interpret things "...most people want to see a logical order to things and have everything fit into a normal distribution curve...so that everything can be nicely explained...and they can sit back and feel comfortable...
I might consider selling our house except there are too many fond memories ...yes some sad...but there is so much of my wife here that I could not bear to leave it behind...her spirit is here..she is all around me..she really liked it here...she was such a loving  and caring person...I must stay...we live in a very small community and there are so many people we know that are all around...most are respectful and are giving me my distance and are not intruding...a few feel that if you don't do it the way they feel then something is wrong...they simply can't or will not respect the feelings of others...they simply do not get it and never will...I am just going to keep them out of my life...
I am so sorry for the intense anguish and sadness that everyone on this site is experiencing...go whatever direction you feel is best for you...it would seem to be better if you are not too hard on yourself and may you all find some solace at some point in your lives...
Hi Jannie...sorry that you are having such a bad night...hope that it improves...
Thanks for " listening "...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 03, 2010, 06:50:45 PM
Hello to all,
I am living out another day of my sentence to be sad and agonize...existed just enough today...went out to the store and post office ( my guest left some clothes behind so I mailed them to him)... gone for about 1 hour...came home and went on the sofa to lay down... seemed dazed for about 2 1/2 hours...got up and felt very lethargic...worked in the garden for about an hour...today seemed strange from another standpoint...I experienced many mental images of my dear wife during the last days of her illness...they seemed to be on fast forward...I have had these before but not this rapidly...very, very draining emotionally...I had tears...I really felt exhausted...when I get home and come in the door I say the same things  that I used to say when she was here...but I get no response and I start crying...gosh I just feel so sad without her...I miss her so much...I feel so empty...I am a person without a heart...she is my heart...except for the few words that I have spoken to my wife today, I have been mute...I keep a TV on occasionally to have something to break the silence...I feel as if my mind is going to snap...I do not know where to turn so I come here to write...write...write...I know that I could write a 1000 words but it will not help really...I think if I went away someplace that I would be worse off without all the familiarities of her in our home...I still keep the phone off...I did not see anyone outside today...my friends have all but stopped emailing me...they sense how I feel...very desolate existence...one day meshes into the next with no hope of beneficial change...of the pure joy of my previous life...what is the sense of it all...
 
Jannie...I hope that  you are experiencing a better day and getting some rest... it is a real key to how we approach things...without rest I am lost totally...did you plant your herbs?

Karen...I hope you have been a little better today...it is 52 days since my wife has been gone and I seem to feel worse...no improvement yet...come here often and write anything...it does help a little...so much of what you say is how I feel...I wish that I could be with my wife...embracing her forever...

With all the sadness that everyone here is experiencing it is difficult to envision that anyone can improve...I know that everyone should try something because our present state is not going to be rewarding to our minds in the long run...I know that some people or "experts" say do this or that...don't do this or that...but they are not in my mind...they are trying to rationalize things from their standpoint on how they have observed others behaving...maybe I am a little different...the biochemical reactions in their bodies very likely are a little different than what is going on in my body...everyone is a little different...sorry for the rant...
I have stated in a previous post there are several of my friends here who have lost a spouse 5-15 years ago ...outwardly I see them laugh occasionally, but I wonder what is going on in the inner recesses of their minds, especially when they are alone and turn the last light switch off at night...does it really get that much better?...some have remarried...being alone for years for many people can be unbearable, I would imagine...my being alone for 52 days has been unbearable...I feel so strange inside all the time...I feel that another personality has emerged from my body...something really did go out of me when my dear wife left...I know that she would be so sad to think that I am going through this because of her...but what else can I do?
Thanks for " listening "
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 03, 2010, 08:33:52 PM
Hi Leo,

Not a good day for me.  First of all, I hardly slept at all last night and am trying to stay awake tonight so that I hopefully will be so exhausted that I can fall asleep and STAY asleep.

It's funny how one death can eclipse another (temporarily).  I found out late this afternoon that a dear friend of Charlie's who lives here in our village was found dead yesterday morning by his sister.  He was such a good friend, and I was just getting to know him through Charlie.  I was planning on paying him a visit this past weekend, but it was so hot, and I didn't feel like walking over there.  I feel so bad now.  His funeral is Wednesday at the same funeral home that Charlie was waked in, and it will most likely be in the same room, so it will be very difficult for me to go to, but I have to.  He was such a nice man, and I will miss him.  He was so close to Charlie and had taken his death very hard.

After that shock, I was brought up short in my own mind by the fact that today is the 8th anniversary of my dad's death, and I completely forgot about it.  When I remembered (around 5:30 today) I was so very upset and cried and asked him for forgiveness. 

Leo, I don't know if getting away for a few days might be beneficial to you, but it might help to be in different environment for a while.  If you don't go too far and you feel uncomfortable, you can always come home again.  I am going away for a weekend in the beginning of June with a friend of mine.  I don't really want to go, but I think that I probably should get out of my house for a few days to get a different perspective on things.  My friend has already made a non-refundable reservation, so I really can't back out.

You said that it doesn't really help much to write on here, yet we all seem to come back here for some measure of comfort and understanding.   I think it is that common bond that we all share which draws us back here day after day.

I feel your pain on a daily basis when I read your posts.  I don't really know what to say to you except that I think we here are all in similar pain and are trying to deal with it as best as we can.   It is hard at first to erase those images of our loved one's last days and hours, but I know from experience that those images in time will fade, and we will remember our loved ones as they were when they were healthy and not suffering.

I know what you mean about another personality emerging from yourself.  I took a good look at myself in the mirror today and did not like what I saw.  I look tired, sad, and have definitely put on a few pounds from eating and drinking more than I should.  I have also stopped exercising, and I hate myself for that.  I seem to just mope around here day after day with no purpose or direction, just feeling sad and drained of all feeling or motivation.  I hope someday to be able to emerge from this feeling.  I just can't imagine going on like this for the rest of my life.  I know it will be hard, but we have to try for them.

Yes, I did finally plant the herbs today, and I felt good about that.  I will try and work on flowers this weekend. 

It's 11:15 pm, and I think I will try and get some sleep tonight.  I will take some melatonin after I sign off.


Good night,
Jannie





Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 03, 2010, 09:14:13 PM
Hi Jannie,
Sorry to hear about Charlie's friend...seems like one emotional wave after another...don't be too hard on yourself about your dad's anniversary...you have so much on your mind already...it does not mean that you care any less about him...
I know we come here again and again...as I said previously I feel it helps me a little to write things down here but it really doesn't change the way I feel...at least not that I can tell...I can't imagine that I could be any worse off emotionally than I am now  if I did not write anything down here...my situation does not seem to improve...I feel worse actually in my mind over the last few weeks than I did earlier...and I thought that was pretty bad...I might not write here as frequently if I had close family or friends...I feel that this is my only outlet...I guess that  talking or writing your feelings down helps to release things from your mind...vent...so that all does not stay bottled up and build up to an unsustainable level...it is after midnight...I have to get some rest...
Wishing you all well and hope that it gets better for all of us...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on May 04, 2010, 08:17:23 AM
Hi Leo and Jannie and all on here. I don't post much anymore. I do read the other posts though. Leo you talk about the last days of your wifes illness. I live those images all the the time. This month of May was when he really started going down hill and on memorial day They put him in the hospital. The bad news came and he wanted to come home. Those last few days live with me constantly even though it has been almost three yrs.

Last summer though I think was the worst when my two daughters and I went on vacation. My oldest daughter had a heart attack and was on life support for five days. I think about that so much sometimes I feel as if I am going to go insane. I have a lot of anger. I have been going to a grief counseler. Get a journal she tells me write it down. I think for some people this might work, but not for me. I actually think I feel worse when I come out of there. I just want you to know I understand and can tell you I know how you feel. The pain will lessen some and you will find something to live for again.  My daughter who died had her first granddaughter two mos. after she died. Sometimes I smile and think I remember her telling me when I have grandkids I refuse to be called grandma. It breaks my heart, but at the same time it makes me smile. The same thing with my husband. I remember the funny things he would say to me. I smile. So this probably doesn't make a lot of sense what I am trying to say. I just want you to know I am smiling again. ((hugs))) to you all. Donna
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 04, 2010, 11:19:20 AM
Hello Donna B.,
I am sorry that you have had to suffer so much...first your husband and then your daughter in such a short time...I do not know how you can keep it all together for almost three years...I too have have the end images for the entire 53 days since my wife left but when I have kept busy working in my dear wife's garden they tend to get diluted out somewhat as I labor ( working in the garden seems to be the thing that has helped me the most...once I got started working there I have been at it quite a lot )...I know my dear wife loved to work in the garden and I did too...it makes me feel closer to her...but this time the images were like a rapid fire and constant...if that is what you have I don't know how you do it...I to do not know if talking to a counselor would help me...first they would be trying to recondition my mind into accepting my situation and telling me what I am experiencing is normal...then there may be a demonstration of the typical cycles of grief...then not to blame myself...then telling me that I did everything that I could...then I must move forward because I can't change what has happened...and so on... that is something that I must want to do and I have to find my own way...in my own manner...in my own timetable...when my dear wife was here and a decision was needed we would always discuss it together and come to a mutual decision...we would always think the same...she is not here now so I have to do it myself...nobody knows me the way my wife did...we were one and followed the identical footpath in life...I have had such a big variety of comments on what I should do  from friends and health care workers already...that may be, in part, why I am avoiding people so much because as soon as I start expressing my grief they start in with that...I know they mean well and I have tried to be diplomatic because I do not like to hurt anyone's feelings...Donna, at least you are having some smiles and I think that is good...it is a start...I hope that you have many more smiles and it is good that you still have some close family...I have been keeping a daily journal...I had been doing one when my wife was here...I appreciate your reply...take care of yourself...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 04, 2010, 06:06:53 PM
Hello to all,
Another day fading into the past...another very sad day...never in my previous years did I ever envision that this kind of sadness and agony existed...my dear wife and I never took anything for granted and lived for every moment before she became ill...it sure seems as if we are paying the ultimate price now for having such a wonderful life...we always tried to be respectful of other people and respected their right to their own opinions...we felt that we were good people...I go back to what my darling wife said " it's just a roll of the dice "...wrong place...wrong time...wrong physiology in your body...I have friends in my community that do not appear to be very close with their spouses ( in my opinion ) from what I have seen and heard when we have been together with them...I think to myself now " I wonder if they realize or care how lucky they are to have each other "...who knows maybe they will get 20 - 30 years or more together...I hope that they do...I keep wondering about a lot of things regarding our situation that I do not want to go in detail...but the gist of them is: I wonder if we would have done this instead of that etc...would things be different...I know it is not good to do that and I try to restrain myself...they are all imponderables with no chance of solution...they just are annoyances of my mind taunting me...I will never know so why go there...

I worked in my wife's garden for several hours today...putting in a few new things but now there is a lot of maintenance...
things are in much better shape in the garden finally...my wife would be so happy to see all that I have done...I just have to keep it up for her...I just have to keep going...she got so much pleasure working outside...I wish so much that we could be working side by side again...we were so happy with the life and things that we had...she was always such a hard worker when she did something...I think it just is not fair at all but then I guess life so often is not fair...just look at all the cases that exist  on this site...

I went to bed around 12:30 A.M. and was up at 5:45...I felt a little sluggish but got going and feel good so far...have not spoken a word to anyone except my wife...

I hope that you all are doing a little better...Donna B., Jannie and Karen and everyone else...we do not have much choice...improve to a tolerable level or be so tormented for the rest of our lives...life in many situations really is not fair and that is the way it is...
goodnight to all...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 04, 2010, 06:27:12 PM
Hi Leo,

I'm so very tired tonight.  I don't know how much longer I can go on with so little sleep.  I would like to sleep in a little in the mornings, but I am finding that difficult now too.  I wake up, and my mind starts racing, and I cannot lie there and think about how awful this all is, or I will go crazy for sure.

Tomorrow I have to go to Charlie's friend's wake in the afternoon, then my support group in the evening.  It will be a hard day--full of sorrow and grief.  I just don't know why this is happening to me, to you, to all of us on here.  It seems so unfair.  We are all good people and did not deserve this.

I was finally feeling good about my life after my husband passed (12 years ago).  Then I met this wonderful man who turned my life around again and made me so happy, and he has been taken from me as well.  Now I feel that I am back at "square one" again. 

I met a neighbor today when I was outside.  I haven't seen her since the fall, and she didn't even acknowledge Charlie's passing although she knew him well.  She just wanted to talk about her problems.  I have no tolerance for people like that.  What is wrong with them that they can't even say "I'm sorry for your loss."  I have run into several people like that since Charlie's passing.  I could never do that to anyone.

I guess I am just overtired and angry at life tonight.  I don't have much more to say right now.

Hoping you and everyone else here has a good evening and a better tomorrow.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 04, 2010, 06:52:56 PM
Hi Everyone
  I was also in the yard Sunday, and overdid it, just was going to trim one thing and did the whole yard for at least 3 hours, I was so tired afterward, but I think I let out lots of frustration or anxiety.
  Yesterday, my son spent the day with me,. He took me to that first grief group meeting, well I don't think I will go back to this one, There were 8 people only 3 whom I felt I connected with, there was one man there that was very obnoxious, loud and just wasn't what everyone needed in the group, so when it was over a few people said they wouldn't be coming back, well I tried.  I have 2 church grief meetings to try in 2 weeks, I am looking for some understanding and explanation, to ease my brain, although I know I won't get it, because no one has any, It was a very emotional day., I feel for everyone here, I hear the pain in all your words, I wish we could do something for each other, but I suppose listening to each other vent, is good for us.
Have a decent night
Take Care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 04, 2010, 08:18:10 PM
Hi Jannie,
 I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your sleep...I know without decent sleep it is even tougher going...I find that I have been doing better with all the outside work... 3-5 hours almost everyday...I am not sleeping more than 5-6 hours but I am not waking up during the night...regarding your neighbor not bring up Charlie's death I think that sometimes people feel uncomfortable bring it up even after a long time if they feel you are still grieving a lot...a few days ago two of my friends (one very good ) walked by and said hello after I took my headphones off... he (very good friend ) asked me what I was listening to ( had my mp3 player on...studying a course )...he said "that's good" and never mentioned my wife's passing...neither did my other friend although I did receive a sympathy card and note from my very good friend and his wife...I think it is difficult for some people to broach the subject...almost the same when you try to express your true grief to some people...I had one woman, several weeks ago actually wince when I started to say how I felt...so I do not try and express much at all with any of my friends here in my community...it is difficult for most people to handle...they do not know what to say and sometimes they say something without thinking about the impact...so many things that are said can be interpreted multiple ways by different people...I hope that you get through tomorrow OK...try focusing on some happy memories...it may make you sad but focus on the good part...it is better than dwelling on a sad situation...difficult to get upbeat on that...hope it gets better...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 04, 2010, 08:18:44 PM
Hello Karen,
I agree with you about the outside work...it tends to relieve , for me, frustration and anger,...it has a way of relaxing me a little too...I have been sleeping better...not longer, 5-6 hours usually, but without waking up during the night...I have been outside working 3-5 hours almost everyday...I talk to my wife, ask her to help me when I am not sure what to do for a particular plant...I still cry and feel sad...I am not sure when that will lessen...the way I feel now I would guess it will be with me for many, many more months...
So sorry to hear about your experience with your grief group meeting...you are right, at least you tried...I really do not feel in my mind that I would care for any group counseling...my dear wife is the only person that I have ever confided to since I met her almost 33 years ago...I was a very friendly person but never really got close to anyone else...I hope that it goes better for you with your church grief group meetings,,,it seems nice that you have your son available...try more of the outside work...anything to keep busy and give some diversion to your mind...wishing a better tomorrow for all here...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 05, 2010, 05:27:15 PM
Hello to all,
Had a very nondescript day...didn't get to work in the garden...some rain...went out to do an errand...still very sad and crying...called my mother-in-law...my wife was the second child that she has lost in the last 12 years...she is having a difficult time but is getting a lot of help from friends and her church group...she lives quite far from me....
Still so sad and senseless for me with my dear wife gone...still wandering about the house talking to her...I keep a daily log otherwise I might not know which way is up...several months back, when my wife was still mobile, we were talking on the sofa after having a very down moment...she was implying that she would be "leaving"...I said that if she was going to go then I was going with her...she had an expression of shock and dismay and said to me " don't talk like that "...I think of that moment every so often...there are tears in my eyes now, and think that she would still give me that same look and say not to be in so much pain...I can't help but feel that I am letting her down by being in such a state of constant agony...she was never thinking of herself ...always trying to please me...and I the same for her...it is so difficult to control the emotions...it is like a runaway train...I do  not want to disappoint her...but I really do not have much of a life without her...I do not feel much like socializing now...entering into conversations of which I have no interest...go someplace that I have no interest...I think that the more I stay to myself the more I am conditioning myself to accepting this manner of living...I lost my best and only friend...my partner for life...my dearest wife...my mind still feels numb and in a constant stupor...I think that I will go get a glass of wine now...I am drinking my wife's favorite wine...she stopped drinking when she was ill...if life was fair, all the people here would still have their loved ones and would be spared all this endless sadness and agony...I just learned today that one of my friends here has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer...and so the sadness will continue...
I went to put a moderately heavy item on a shelf, holding my shirts, in my closet and the whole thing broke down...the second one to go down recently...I got everything fixed...not much else...hope that there is some improvement happening for everyone else...that's it for now...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 05, 2010, 08:21:30 PM
Hello Leo and all,

Today was a different day for me.  I actually managed to get up, get moving, and get dressed (nicely), and out of my sweat clothes! 

I went to the wake of Charlie's dear friend Frank this afternoon and started to cry as soon as I walked in (naturally, it was in the same room that Charlie was in).  I saw a lot of people who came to Charlie's wake (our neighbors and friends), and they all were very kind and had only nice words for me.  I was not going to go to the funeral tomorrow morning, but I changed my mind.  I know Charlie would have wanted me to go, and I feel I should.

Tonight I went to my group support meeting.  There are about 11 of us, and the group is run by a "renegade" priest as I like to call him.  He is definitely not like the priests I grew up knowing!  He has left the traditional priesthood and works full-time for Hospice as their chaplain.  He is quite a character and a very good facilitator.  All of us there are in our own individual hell, but we all share the same bond of grief.  For me, it is comforting for me to be with these people--sort of like the family that I don't have to support me right now.  I think I mentioned before that there is a couple there who lost their only child in an auto accident last July.  They are having a birthday celebration of her life on the 22nd of May (they are calling it "Forever 26"--the age she would have been) and have invited all of the group to come.  I wasn't going to go, but they are so nice and really want everyone to attend, so I said I would try and make it. 

The theme of tonight's meeting was living with the "new normal" and how things will never again be the same, just different.  It is what we are all dealing with--we have no other choice.
 
There is such sadness in all of our lives here, but there is also a lot of sadness out in the world as well.  We get so involved in our own pain that we don't realize that there are others out there going through even worse things than we are.  Life is hard, it's unfair, and impossible to understand at times like these.  I have experienced a lot of loss in my life--it never gets easier--but we have to keep on going--there is really nothing else we can do.
 
Leo, your garden must be really beautiful with all the work you are putting into it.  Your wife must be smiling down at you and how you are tending to her garden.  I watered my herb garden today, and it looks good--I just hope I can keep it going.  I do like to cook and try to cook healthy even though it's just me eating.

I'm sorry the shelf fell down on you (again)!  Hope you weren't injured.

Well, I need to get up early for the funeral tomorrow, so I'd better try and get some sleep.  I did sleep a little better last night (took the melatonin), but I woke up with a bad dream once around 3:30 am.  I did manage to get back to sleep fairly soon.


Good night and a better day tomorrow,
Jannie
 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 06, 2010, 06:30:32 AM
Hi Jannie,
 I am glad that there seems to be a little better trend in your life...very brave of you to go to the wake and the funeral...it would be too wrenching for me...that is why I did not have a desire to have any services for my wife...it is just the way that I feel...no one way is right...you do what you feel is best in your mind and heart at the time...I just have no desire to be around other people...
I know that we have very limited choices facing us..."go on or perish"...you take whatever path you feel is right for yourself...I know there is much pain in the world...there is evidence all around us...I can't imagine anything being worse than losing a loved one that was so very, very close to me...my wife and I were one and it is as if I have been wounded severely and now must live with this wound and pain forever.....I know that some people lose multiple family members...but when you have extreme pain and sadness I wonder how it could worse? extreme pain is extreme pain...a loss is a loss...there is no meter that we can use to get a measurement...I had said in an earlier post that a friend had indicated on two different occasions that a person cried over a 3 month period for the loss of a loved one...then another time said someone cried over a 6 month period...the implication they conveyed was that it was worse for the one crying for 6 months...how can that be stated? people respond differently...there is no measurement...both situations represent extreme sadness and pain...we can't get into anyone's mind and know or feel what is going on...everything is subjective and based on how others have felt before and opinions that are formed in the minds of others...
My wife lost her older sister several years ago...she was 49...her mother, 86 , is dealing with both of her daughters gone now...my wife was very close to her sister...my wife's father passed away many, many years ago...very difficult for the poor mother...all the pain to bear over the years...

I see my wife's beautiful face and warm smile everywhere...I loved everything about her...she is my whole life...now each day as I arise and my mind says what is my meaning...I definitely distance myself from my friends...even the few that I thought were somewhat understanding because they really are not...so here I sit...alone in this world... wondering what to do...where to go...what will become of me...I guess I will wander aimlessly just like my mind has been doing all of these days...before when I would go out, I would smile at most everyone and give a greeting...now I find that I am keeping my head down, sunglasses on...not appearing very friendly I am sure...
I am sleeping better...6+ hours...the wine and melatonin helped me get to sleep last night...
Wishing that all here have an some improvement in your lives...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 06, 2010, 08:17:39 PM
Hello to all,
I just found something in my closet that my darling wife made for me almost 33 years ago ( about 3 1/2 months after we first met )...it is dated on the back  November 26, 1977...it is copied from a song, "You're in My Heart ", from Rod Stewart that we liked a lot...she wanted to express her love for me...it is framed...we both felt so stongly about each other right after we first met...and our love grew stronger every single day...I can't tell you have much I have been crying since I have found it...I have looked at it many times over the years and always felt so good...but this is the first time I have felt good but so very, very  sad...I miss her...she was such a wonderful woman...
 
Leo
(http://webhealing.com/images/You%27re_in_My_Heart.jpg)
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 07, 2010, 04:27:24 PM
Hello to all,
I am back...today was very nondescript...did a few errands...worked in my wife's garden...but the day was filled with an immense amount of sadness...I have looked at the framed "You're in My Heart" that I included in my previous post here...it really gets to me deep inside and I get such a surge of sadness that I can't control...my dear wife printed it by hand...she was so artistic...it brings back so many memories...I wish that I could sing the song to her again...I just get all choked up now...I really do not want to be here...I feel so empty...what is left...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 07, 2010, 06:57:22 PM
Hi Leo and all,

I posted a message earlier, but I was distracted by an online conversation with my friend from Florida, so somehow my entire message was deleted, and I was not able to retrieve it.  My friend has suffered many losses in her life as well, but somehow she is not very sympathetic to my situation.  She is one of those people who thinks you should "get over it already!"  I think that she has forced herself to do that in regards to her own losses, and, as a result, has never truly dealt with them and has become a bitter person because of it. 

It has been a long couple of days--Charlie's friend's wake, funeral, and my support group in between--it's been emotionally draining, and it caught up with me this morning.  I had a real crying incident--my support group facilitator calls it "the tsunami."  It comes out of nowhere and hits you like a tidal wave.  How true.

I worked outside for most of the afternoon and got some planting done.  It felt good to be outside in the sun and getting something done.  I still have a lot more to do, but at least I am making some headway.  My friend Judy stopped by to say hello--she always cheers me up a little and distracts me from my grief.  She is a good friend, and I am a bad one right now.  She calls me all the time, and even though I don't usually pick up the phone, she keeps calling.  If she can't get me, she comes by. 

I spoke to several of the neighbors today who were either outside or driving by.  They have all been respectful of my situation and have nothing but kind words for me.  I don't think it is right to ignore them since we are a close community here, and I need to have people to count on if necessary.  Several of my immediate neighbors are away on vacation right now, so it is somewhat lonely here.  Although I have been keeping my distance, it is nice to know that they are here.

Leo, your wife's memento was so very sweet.  Charlie and I were also big Rod Stewart fans as well as Michael Buble.  I have put away all those CD's for now as I cannot bear to listen to them and not go to pieces.  I put on one of Charlie's t-shirts today to work outside, and I had to take it off immediately, as I could smell his scent on it, and it just made me start crying all over again.  I mentioned the other night at my support group that I felt badly because I have put away everything that reminds me of Charlie because I cannot bear to look at these things.  I was told that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this, and whatever you are comfortable with, you must do.  Everyone deals with their grief in their own way and time. 

I feel badly that your mother-in-law is dealing with so much loss in her life as well.  I hope you stay close to her during this difficult time as I am sure she needs comforting too.

It is Mother's Day this weekend, and although I was never a mother and do not have my mother here any more, this holiday (as well as Father's Day) is always tinged with some sadness for me.  I toyed with the idea of going to visit my mom's grave on Sunday, but it is a 2-hour drive to get there, and I am not up to dealing with Mother's Day traffic or the emotions such a trip will inevitably bring forth.

I know how hard this is for you, Leo, and I feel your pain.  I just have no words to make it better for you.  You just need to work your way through this pain and hope that we will someday, somehow find it a little easier to bear this burden of grief.  I am sure your dear wife would not want to see you suffering this way and would want you to keep on going.

At our support group the other night, we got into a discussion about heaven and hell.  Someone said that what we are experiencing right now is "hell."  It sure feels like it.

I am wiped out tonight from everything and nothing.  I did manage to sleep a little better last night--let's hope it is a trend that continues.

Wishing you peace and a better tomorrow,

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 07, 2010, 09:26:54 PM
Hi Leo
Sorry you are so upset today, I know whaat you mean, It seems when I see my sons, I have a hard cry, I am so sad today, I miss him so much, I went to work today came home to an empty house, except for the dogs, Johnny always had a little dinner ready on the days I worked, it was so lonely.  I am trying to push myself every day, I am afraid to stop. I don't want to crumble, because I know if I do, I will be finished, I am very scared, sad, angry, and every other emotion you can think of.  Some days I get anxiety all day, where you feel like you can't take a deep breathe, I just don't know what is going to happen, such a life change, I can't believe that he is not here anymore, it just baffles my mind.
Part of me is still waiting for him to come home.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow, I wish us all peace
take care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 08, 2010, 03:31:24 AM
Hi Jannie,
I know what you mean about friends being insensitive...when my overnight friends came, I had not seen the husband since my dear wife passed away...he came in the door and said something like "hey how are you doing"...he did not say I am so sorry or I do not know what to say...I guess it is just so difficult for some men to express any emotion...he never said anything during the stay to indicate any sympathy...but he did come to see me so I have to try and focus on that for now...
  Sounds as if you have had two very trying days...it is good that you are getting outside...my friends are not stopping by unannounced now since I asked them to let me know in advance... they were catching me unaware and most of the time I was in the middle of something...I know that they are concerned but most of the time they ended up in saying the wrong thing...at least as interpreted by my mind...sometimes it came across as very insensitive...I think that is why I am avoiding people now...
  It is nice that you are wearing Charlie's T-shirt...my wife has a large, cinnamon colored, cotton sweater that I wear sometimes...I have it on now...as sad as it makes me when I put it on it makes me feel closer to her...I don't want to avoid these things...I want to keep the memories fresh...it has been 57 days and I still can't believe that she is gone...it scares me so if I dwell or focus on that point very long...I sit here so alone...I miss her so much and am starting to cry...the sadness has been mounting more everyday...I do not know what is happening...you are right ...there is no right or wrong way when we grieve...no time table...go how you feel you should...and I do not like to look back at a later date and re-evaluate what I did earlier because my mind is in a different mode and you can't create the exact set of conditions that led you to your first decision...again we can go forward or stop...that's it...not many choices...if we are sad and angry for any length of time it does not change our situations one bit...our lives have changed for the worse...that's the stark reality...we have to face it at some time...the loving memories and wonderful life that I had I will cherish with all my heart...I am so happy that I was apart of my dear wife's life...now again I am experiencing a huge surge of tears and sadness...I do not think that will ever end for me...my mother died when she was 61...pancreatic cancer...it has been many years but I miss her too...my father passed away many years ago too...I am going to pick up more photos enlargements of my dear wife today and have them framed...the framers mother died 10 days before my wife...I talk to him a little...he seems understanding...
I am going to cut the grass and do other work outside today...just do something...what else is there...
I have not seen any activity from many people on this site for a long time...I hope that all is going OK for them...to read all of the replies and feel the sadness tears me apart inside...wish I could say or do something to help out...I wish you all well and again am so sorry for your losses...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 08, 2010, 03:54:19 AM
Hello Karen,
I know what you mean about the crying, the sadness...everything that you are experiencing is what I am going through...I simply can't believe that she is not here anymore...my house is so very empty...the silence is "deafening "...so lonely...I wander from room to room and look at her pictures...I keep her bathrobe on her side of the bed as if I was thinking that she may be coming back...sadness rushes in...I cry...I wonder why...my mind stays numb...I have to focus hard when I am out in the car and make sure that my mind does not wander too much...we did not chose this life Karen...if only we were like computers and could do a "system restore" and go back to an earlier date...then everything would be OK...it would seem good that you have your sons...do they live nearby?...hoping that you do a little better today...it is going to be a very long and difficult road for us all in our "new" lives from now on...were are all off the normal freeway of life...we were forced to take a detour...who knows where it will lead...things will never be the same for us...wishing peace to everyone...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 08, 2010, 01:22:30 PM
Hello to all,
I don't know what is going on but I have had so many episodes of sadness and crying today at home and while driving ...in part due to the fact that I have been looking at so many photos of my wife here and at the art framing shop...it is beyond me how I can be experiencing such emotion but there it is...talked some to the art dealer who seems to be very genuinely sympathetic...even when I first met him...he lost his mother 10 days before I lost my dear wife and his friend's 50 year old wife was killed in a car accident very close to my house two months ago...just had to come here and write something down...I have to get out of the house...it is quite warm but maybe the heat will help me some...I will cut the lawn...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 08, 2010, 06:45:27 PM
Hello again to all,

Well I cut the lawn and worked up a sweat...did more  work outside and inside and still have been so sad and crying so much today...none of the work eased my sadness and pain in the least...I guess looking at all of my dear wife's pictures has not helped and may have accentuated my feelings...thoughts and visions of her are racing through my mind...boy, what to do...I am having a glass of wine now...I will likely have a second...I have been up since 4:30 A.M...I do not feel too tired...
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I do miss my mother very much after all of these years...we were very close and she imparted much of who I am today...I have her to thank for so many things...but I feel that everyday should be special for a mother...I didn't wait for that one day a year to express my feelings or do anything special...I did the same for my darling wife...do it today...as all here can attest, that person can be gone in the blink of an eye...and "should haves" just do not count...I was pretty much away from home just after turning 18...my mother died before I met my wife...they really would have loved one another so much...both very kind, considerate , wonderful and beautiful women...liked by everyone...now both of my ladies are gone forever and I will celebrate Mother's Day alone and in the silence of my home...in all fairness two of my friends did invite me to their club for a Mother's Day brunch but I declined...I know too many people at their club and I do not want to deal with that now...I don't know when I will feel like it but I suppose that my mind will give me the green light...
The Roman poet, Horace, was right " Carpe Diem "... seize the day or enjoy the day...I just finished my second glass of wine...it is a small glass...but since I am bringing up Roman poets the wine is telling me that it is time to go...
Happy Mother's Day and peace to you all...

Leo

"Carpe Diem"
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 08, 2010, 07:22:10 PM
Hello Leo and all,

Nothing much to say tonight.  I did absolutely NOTHING today except mope around and feel sorry for myself.  It was a beautiful day here, but it was extremely windy, and the pollen is still flying around like crazy, so I couldn't even go out and work on my flowers.  I have been sneezing all day just being inside.

It will be a sad day tomorrow as well (Mother's Day), but there is nothing much to do about that either except try and remember them.  My mom died in 1996, and my dad in 2002.  My mom was plagued with mental illness her whole life, and it is sad that we never had the kind of relationship that we should have had.  She had a nervous breakdown when I was 3 years old and never really recovered from it.  I was basically raised by my grandmother.

I miss Charlie so much.  At times I think I will go crazy when I think that I will never again see him in this life.  This is so difficult.  I am trying to figure out every day why this happened, but there are no answers as we all know.  I feel some days that I will never recover from this loss.

I, too, have had a little too much wine tonight, and I am tired from lack of quality sleep.

Hoping you have a good night,

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 08, 2010, 09:42:57 PM
Hi Leo and Janine
  I was in the house all day today also, I don't know what to say tonight, there are no more comforting words, Nothing anyone says makes a difference anyway.  My sons and their families are coming tomorrow, I really didn't want a lot of talking and confusion, I don't know if I can handle it.  But I will be happy to see them.  I was on the phone a lot today friends calling, I am tired of talking, the same thing over and over, and nothing changes. 
Oh well this is just a depressing day for all it seems.
Feel better
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 09, 2010, 11:17:44 AM
Hello to all,
Here I sit...cried myself to sleep last night and have been at it this morning...I did sleep very well with the help of the wine and melatonin...I do not know what has come over me...it must be all the photos of my wife that I have around the house...part of me says don't keep them out but the other part wants to keep looking at my dear wife...I have found several nostalgic photos taken over the years...the good times...the wonderful memories...I guess the degree of sadness one expresses is directly proportional to the degree of love you have for that person...my wife and I grew together for almost 33 years and now my heart is so very heavy...she was here and then she wasn't...just like that she is gone...it still does not seem possible and it really hurts terribly if I focus on that point even a little...I imagine that if one keeps writing and talking long enough for months and years that you tend to condition your mind into being able to live with it somehow...I feel so very changed and different as a person...the way I am thinking and behaving...I do not like my life now...I used to laugh a lot and make my wife and others laugh a lot...but no more...I am just a shell of that other person that was me...
I was outside very early this A.M. trying to do some work before most people would be up and about...one of my friends who was out for his walk, sees me and walks a good distance to come over and visit...I am thinking that he is coming over to see how I am doing...he did many weeks ago and was very sympathetic...when he reaches me he starts in on a problem that he has and never asks me how I am doing...his problem is serious and he is looking for advice on alternative approaches to treat it...after a while I mention that I am having a very difficult time still and he was very sympathetic...no one is going to be perfect and if I disown every friend that doesn't say the right thing it won't be long before I do not have any friends...I will have to be tolerant and realize that it is not intentional...
I did more work outside for a while and went to the recycling center earlier...still numb and walking around in a daze much of the time...but what else is there to do?
 Hi Jannie...hope that you are experiencing a better day today...
 
Hi Karen...hope that your Mother's day is going well with your family...

We all have to keep trying for our departed loved ones...we miss them so very much...it is a most difficult task...I am so sad now...

Wishing everyone well...
Leo

" Carpe Diem"
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 09, 2010, 07:33:08 PM
Hi Leo, Karen, Donna, and all,

Another day of moping around, crying, asking why, oh why did this happen.  I feel so empty and without purpose.  Each day drifts into the next without any difference.  I have no ambition to do anything, see anyone, or go anywhere.  I really hate the weekends--they seem so much lonelier now than weekdays.  Friends and others doing things with their spouses and enjoying themselves.  It's hard to think about that and not be envious that I will not have that again.

I don't know how I am going to manage going back to work at the end of this month.  My job involves selling to the public, and I have to put on my "happy face" no matter how I feel.  It will be difficult for me to do it, but everyone says I need to get back to work--IT WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU--yeah, right.

It was another chilly and windy day here today, so I managed to do some work inside my house.  My window sills and blinds were full of the green pollen which has been blowing around for weeks now.  I hope it has finally stopped, as I cleaned everything this afternoon. 

I thought about my mom today and had a good cry about her as well.  I wish that we could have had a different relationship when she was alive, but I cannot have her back either. 

Leo, you are right about friends.  I think we are too sensitive about what we feel is their "insensitivity" towards the way we are feeling.  I think some people simply just do not know what to say, and we interpret that the wrong way because our emotions are so raw and on the surface.  We have to learn to be more tolerant, I guess, if we want to keep them as friends.  It does us no good to shut out everyone in our lives.  It will only hurt us in the long run, I think.

Hoping we all have a good night and a better tomorrow.

Take care,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 09, 2010, 08:28:36 PM
Hi Jannie,
So sorry that you are having such a difficult time... I guess the longer we go on grieving, which we can't control obviously , the more difficult our lives will be...I am getting used to being alone...I do not like it but I am slowly resigning myself to that mode...I have no idea when I will feel "comfortable" going out with a group...some of my friends seem to have a different timetable that "they think" I should be on( my opinion )...they have no idea about the operation of my mind and emotions...I am afraid that more contact with them will lead to more comments that  will bother me...even though I said I should be more tolerant of them...I know that if I go out with friends they do not want to hear me grieve...but my mind is filled only with thoughts of my dear wife...I just would not be a good fit for them especially since I would very likely be the only single...
Jannie, I have asked myself so many times in the last 58 days but especially the last several...how can this be real... how could this happen to my wife and me...I am so numb and filled with raw emotions...nothing will be normal for us again...I was thinking of going away sometime in September but I have no idea if I will feel like doing it...I certainly don't want to go now...but I would have to do some planning...my whole life is so mixed up with uncertainty now and may be for a very long time...the few times that I have talked to anyone in the last two weeks or so I have gotten so choked up a the drop of a pin sometimes...when I go to the store I always have my Zune ( mp3 player ) headset on for studying a language...people are much less likely to bother me or try to talk to me...this is such a different life for me...something that I never would have envisioned in all my years...I feel so sad that my wife was afflicted with that horrible disease...such unfairness in life for so many people...it just is not right...I worked outside a couple times today...breezy but nice...I have been getting some photo enlargements of my wife...having them framed...occupies my mind somewhat but then I am right back to the starting line when I leave the framers and get into my car...
Wishing you and everyone else something to change our lives for the better...

Leo

"Carpe Diem"
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on May 10, 2010, 07:19:32 AM
Hi Leo, jannie, karen and eveyone on here. Yesterday was so bad(mothers day). I got out all of my mothers day cards from the past and it broke my heart. Guess it wasn't a good idea. My first mothers day without my sweet Jerri. the other two kids helped and were great. a lot of people called to see how I was doing. I just wanted to stay in the house and not talk to anyone.

Leo you were talking about pictures of your wife. After Jerry died I could not bear to look at his pictures. But as I am fast approaching the 3 yr. mark(June 12th) I have pictures of him everywhere. We were married 38 yrs. and I have a lot of pictures and memories.

So as one friend on here told me one time I just keep taking one step at a time and am trying to be there for my kids and grandkids. I am sending all of you a (((hug))). Hugs help a lot.

Donna
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 10, 2010, 03:03:40 PM
Hello Donna B.,
Thank you for your note...sorry that  Mother's Day took a down turn for you...I know what you mean about special cards...my wife and I have made each other personalized cards for birthdays and anniversaries etc...she was so artistic...I found our boxes of the cards that we made for each other over the years...I started to go through them but had to stop after looking at a few...too many tears and sadness...is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my life...so much sadness, heartache, crying and depression...I feel so traumatized now...I thought that I was feeling a little better physically but now the tightness has returned to my chest...the cough...I feel numbness in my head...I tell myself that this is no way to live...I just wonder why I am existing...I thought to myself today that our loved ones suffered the ultimate loss with their lives...but we who survived them are alive but we are like the living-dead...we can't proceed with our normal, wonderful lives...and we are aware of the extreme pain all the time...I miss her so very much...it will be two months Wednesday since my darling wife left...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 10, 2010, 06:40:03 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, Donna B. and everyone else,
Hope that you are having a better day than I am...my emotional reactions are running at an all time high...the least little thing sends me crashing...for example...my dear wife made a number of pathways with stepping stones in various parts of the garden areas...and when I was out there with her and we were walking along the path she would say "see they are just the right distance to step from one to the other"...I could hear her say it and see her doing it on many days...no matter where I go inside or outside, every several steps I have a vivid reminder of her and I start crying so much...after a while I get so exhausted...when I am driving the car, her seat is empty all the time...then there are so many reminders in a 10-15 mile radius of where we live...it is all around me...
I worked outside this A.M. and this evening...went to a garden center and bought more flowers...went to the supermarket and saw 4 of my friends in different parts of the store and did gyrations to avoid them all...not sure they would have recognized me with my ball cap pulled down low plus sunglasses...I have not seen any of them since my dear wife passed away and I know how emotional I get...did not feel like doing it in the supermarket multiple times...
I am not sure what the answer(s) is...I guess there is none...we are just members of the living-dead wandering around in agony...I am sorry to sound so down but I feel that way and I apologize for being so negative...
Leo

" Carpe Diem "
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 10, 2010, 08:57:08 PM
Hi Leo and all,

I was just going to turn off my laptop without posting tonight.  Then I read some of your posts on here and decided I should.

I just came inside from moving 10 heavy pots into the garage as we have a "freeze" warning in effect tonight, and I was afraid of losing my flowers and herbs that I have worked so hard on.  Unbelievable, May 10th, and we have to worry about frost!

I'm sorry you had such a bad day Leo.  There will always be those reminders around to bring us pain (and joy).  There is no escaping what we feel when we are constantly reminded of our loved ones by all that surrounds us.  It is so very difficult to live with this pain and anguish day after day. 

I try to do something constructive each day, but nothing really has much meaning.  I do enjoy cooking, and I made a big pot of chicken soup tonight which turned out really good.  I just wish I didn't have to eat it alone.  I got outside this afternoon and started to do some more work in the yard, but it was too windy to do much.

The "living-dead" analogy is so perfect.  That's how I feel most of the time too.  The priest who runs my support group told us something interesting last week.  He said our loved ones who are in heaven do not miss us because they are so happy where they are and are not suffering any more.  It is we who are the ones who are suffering. 

I guess we just have to take it hour by hour, day by day, and hope that time will help to ease this acute pain of our grief.  Our lives will never be the same again, just different.  It's a hard thing to accept, but what other choice is there.

Wishing you all peace and better days ahead,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 11, 2010, 01:48:45 PM
Hello to all,
Just got back from running several errands and have to decide what to do about a message that was left on my voice mail yesterday...my wife's young nephew ( her sister's son...her sister passed away 12 years ago when my wife's nephew was about 12 years old ) is making a trip from out of state and indicated that he would be passing close by to my house on the way to his destination...he wanted to know if he could stop by and see how I was doing and maybe have dinner...I am torn because  I really do not want to be around any one but I know that my wife was very fond of him...he did not say if he would be alone...I am thinking that when you are 24 there are probably a lot of things that are not entering into your mind...I guess I will say yes because of my wife's feelings towards him...he is a very nice, hard working kid and it is kind of him to be thinking of how I am doing...I can avoid some of the people some of the time but I can't avoid all of the people all of the time...another sad and depressing day overall with much crying...I really hate it...I guess we can say what we want but in the end, as many of us have said previously, it does not change the picture...we only have two choices confronting us now...to be or not to be...
Leo
" Carpe Diem "
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 11, 2010, 04:22:08 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and all
       Today was a long day for me,  I thought I wrote to you guys last night but I don't see it,  I was in the house most of the day,  which is not such a good thing, 
       Leo you should have diner with your nephew, like you said your wife was fond of him, it would make her happy to know that you are talking to someone, you can't stay alone in the house, it is terrible,  if I stay home to long I don't want to see anyone and don't want to go out either, you have to push yourself. 
       I had a dream of Johnny the other night and when I woke up, I dreamt that I was hugging him, right where I was laying, it was a very hard day for me.
       My sons kept me busy on Sunday and Monday,  although I didn't want to go or do anything. My younger son and his wife and my grandaughters came on sunday and spent the day with me, when they left I was really down, Monday my other son came to get me and bring me back to his house with my grandsons, was happy to come home, so I was in most of today,  I am going to attempt work again tomorrow,  hope it works out, all depends how I wake up feeling.
      I keep calling his cell phone, and I get a chill down my spine when his message comes on,  I don't want to do it, but I want to hear his voice.
Take Care
Karen


       
       
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 11, 2010, 05:53:19 PM
Hello Karen , Jannie and everyone,
I came in from working in the garden just a little while ago, took a shower...cried before and after...feel so depressed...I turned the TV on just to have some sound in the house...it is 8 PM and I am going to eat now...my whole schedule has been in total mayhem...we used to have dinner around 5-5:30 so this is really late for me...but who cares any more...

Karen, you are right, I will call my nephew tonight and let him know it is OK...my fear is that he is bringing a friend and then expects to stay overnight...I really don't want to do that so I will have to be up front with him and ask...I know that I should not stay alone all the time but I am feeling comfortable with it for now...I think a lot about my dear wife and I know the conversation in a group will be about things that to me would be meaningless now...several weeks back I felt that my friends were all over me trying to get me to do things...but I let them know that I was not ready yet...I would think that it would be good to have your sons around...sounds as if they are trying to help you and it is probably good to see your grandchildren...you are so right about the feeling when people leave and you are alone..it is such a stark, cold and lonely feeling...so isolated and frightening...it is what I have experienced the few times people have been over...then when they leave, if  it is a couple, I think they are so lucky to have one another...when I dwell on the thought of my wife gone I get so depressed and sad it scares me...
I can imagine that your dream would make the day difficult for you...you listened to Johnny's phone message...that would be difficult for me to listen to my dear wife's voice...several posts ago I mentioned that when I was down loading photos from one of her flash drives her voice came on loud and clear...I turned it off right away and cried so much...it was as if she was by my side talking to me...she had made audio clips for the photos...I have not listened since...
Hope that tomorrow improves for you...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 11, 2010, 08:33:57 PM
Hello to all,

Leo, I agree with Karen and am glad you decided to let your nephew come to see you.   You just need to be up front with him and let him know how you feel about staying over.  You really can't avoid everyone forever, although we want to right now.  If your wife was fond of this boy, then you should see him.  I'm sure he is fond of you as well and is concerned about you.

I have one saved voice message from Charlie that I listen to from time to time.  It makes me so sad to hear his voice, yet I never want to lose that message as he sounds so happy.  He left it less than a month before he died.

I had several flashbacks today about Charlie's last days.  It is so difficult to relive those memories, yet they come flooding back when we least expect it.  Tonight I have been crying off and on.  I keep asking out loud, "where are you, and why did you leave me?" 

Leo, my schedule is way out of whack as well.  Right now I don't care when I eat, how late I stay up, or how late I sleep.  I think we need to eat, sleep, and do whatever we have to or need to whenever we feel like it for the time being.

This morning there were some relatives of Charlie's cleaning out his garage as the house is being closed on in a few weeks.  I saw them doing it, but I could not get myself over there to say hello.  I kept out of sight.  It was too painful to see them getting rid of his things, even if it was only garage stuff.  It will be hard to see new people moving into his house soon, but I guess I have to adjust to that as well.

I didn't do too much of anything today.  I went to the landfill to get some compost for my new little garden which I am doing in my backyard.  I started on it yesterday, but then it got too chilly and windy to continue.  The weather has taken a sudden downturn until at least Thursday, so I guess I will be housebound tomorrow (not the best thing, I guess, right now).  More time on my hands to think and cry. 

Wishing you all comfort and strength in this terrible journey we find ourselves on.

Good night,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 12, 2010, 04:55:03 AM
Good morning to everyone,
Here I am again...survived another night...cried myself to sleep again...slept pretty well and am thinking about my darling wife now...it is my two month anniversary...it does not seem possible that she has been gone that long...I see her everywhere...I mounted some of the digital photo frames on the walls...got them off the floor...the pictures are flashing constantly in the different rooms...I see her beautiful face and warm smile...she is my whole life and I am so angry that she was taken from me...I wish that I could have done more...what a waste of two lives...everything was so wonderful...it just does not make sense...I just sit here and wonder what might have been...not only for me but for all on tis site...what if...what if...the sadness continues to eat away inside me...I am sure that this is all too familiar to you all...I write...I cry...I am sad...I agonize...I write and so it goes until our minds are forced to accept the reality of it all...
 I tried to call her nephew last night but there was no answer...I did not leave a message...I will try again today...
My hands are sore from all the digging and pulling in the garden...I have been spending so much time there...how my darling loved to work in the garden...I wish she could see what I am doing...it looks pretty good...not as good as when she was doing it but I am trying to keep it up for her as best I can...I wander all around outside and see her digging or looking at the different plants as she pondered what she was going to do next...it is all memories now...that is all I have to work with...no more affectionate hugs, warm kisses or caring conversations...I  must keep the memories fresh for all times...they are so priceless...I sit here half dazed but I will go through the motions yet again for another day...
Jannie ...sorry that you are experiencing sadness as you witness the changes in Charlie's house...I  can imagine that it is not easy for you...the saddest thing of all would be to never have been a part of the lives of our loved ones...I guess it is part of human nature to want more when you have such a good and wonderful experience..I  am sorry for us all that we have had such unfortunate situations thrust upon us all...
I had better get outside before people start milling about...
Wishing you all a good day...
Leo

"Carpe Diem"
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 12, 2010, 11:21:51 AM
Hi everyone,

I was just doodling here on the computer (weather outside rainy and chilly), and I haven't even managed to get out of my sweats yet.  Anyway, I found this on a website that I go to frequently and thought I would share it with you.  It was a verse spoken at the funeral of someone who died of the same type of brain tumor which Charlie had.

It is a deep mystery, this matter of life and death
That the same person who brought us a thousand joys
Can one day leave us shedding a thousand tears
So suddenly, sometimes that we grope blindly
For words left unspoken
For the hug we needed to give to say goodbye
And we wonder how this thread that holds us all to life
Can be so thin and fragile
Until one day we find the courage to accept
That the living aren't meant to understand death
Only to celebrate life
And to remember that the only real death
Is forgetting.


Hoping you are all having a peaceful day.  Will try and write again later.

Be kind to yourself, Leo.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 12, 2010, 02:58:52 PM
Hi Jannie, Karen, DonnaB, Poppy and everyone,

I am slowly making it through another day of existence...just making it...I worked out in the garden early this A.M....then went out to do more errands and shop...got more flowers and mulch...I am planting myself into oblivion...I do not know what I am doing more...planting or posting...I have been very active most all of my life and I am just trying to keep myself on the go...yet I still feel so sad and depressed all the time...I feel such a " heaviness " over my whole body and my head feels " fogged up " all the time...
I picked up more photos of my darling wife at the framers today and they turned out so nice...so life like... but I start crying if I look at them too long...I don't want to take them down...the house would look so sterile without her warm smile and beautiful face...either way it seems like I would be lost...
I talked to my nephew today and he is coming for dinner tomorrow...he had said Saturday previously...but no matter...I do not really feel like going to a restaurant...I like to cook a lot so maybe we will stay in...he is coming by himself and will not be arriving until 6 P.M. tomorrow so by the time we finish dinner I guess I will have another overnight guest...it will be too late to send him on his way...I can't do that to him...he is leaving tonight and will be driving more than 1100 miles to get to my house...I am sure he will be tired...but when you are 24 years old maybe not...I almost broke down when I was talking to him this A.M...the more I think about it I think it may do me some good to get away...I am not going to tell my friends...I will just go...
I slept better last night but it was still around midnight before I got into bed...then up very early...I feel wiped out but somehow I just seem to keep going....
I hope that someone here is doing better...
Jannie...thanks for sharing your kind message...
Leo

" Carpe Diem "
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 12, 2010, 06:55:02 PM
Hi Leo, Donna ,Jannie, Poppy and everyone,
            Jannie that was very nice,  I had a pretty lousy day today, the weather was cold and rainy, I woke up and didn't really want to see anyone today, but I pushed myself and went to work, even at work I was miserable all day, I don't know how I stood, I don't want to start that staying in bed, I know it will be something that will get me into trouble, I am fighting so hard to keep moving.
            Well I am glad that it is almost bedtime, I have to write to Johnny in my journal first, then I am going to bed. It is so lonely at home, I don't know how we are going to get used to this.
            I love to look at his pictures they are all around my bedroom, I feel like he is right here.
Oh well
Good night all
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on May 12, 2010, 08:47:48 PM
zxcv say's hello.  I am so sorry for your loss after 33 years.  I went away for a week and spent it with my brother and sister-in-law.  I told my friends because they were worried about me in every way possible.  I thank God that I do have a support system.  They were also happy that I was taking time for myself.  I also spoke to a grivence person at my church and they said it would be good for me.  So LEO GO FOR IT.  let your friends know.  Going away doesn't mean you are weak or not thinking of your love of your life.  It just means that you are recouping your energy for a new day.  I take each day one at a time.  Thank you for sharing with me.  This site like you, I am finding that my feelings are normal.  I also just went to the library and got some books on griving.  I am not one for reading alot and don't buy books but I thought they might help me also. 
Get some books on gardening.  I know your beautiful wife is watching you and probably smiling at the way you are working in her and your new garden. 
My name is Susan and my husbands name was John.  hope to write again.  God Bless
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 13, 2010, 03:33:19 AM
Good morning to everyone,
Another night has passed and I find myself here again...last night was the 3rd or 4th night in a row that I have slept well...5-6 hours of sleep which is good...I am a little nervous today...my nephew is coming tonight...he's only 24...I actually started shaking a little bit thinking of him coming...the last time that I saw him was almost three years ago when my wife and I were traveling...we stopped to see him...he was in school and showed us around...he was so nice to us...I do not know how I will react when I see him...my whole life is so surreal still...I feel as if it is not happening to me...I want it to be over...I want my dear wife back so that we can continue our wonderful life where we left off...the days keeping rolling by...it is 61 days...seems like an eternity...I still feel so sad and agonize so much...I do not see any improvement in my well being...how I wish that I could turn back the clock to times when I could feel her warm kisses and affectionate hugs...her laugh...her everything...I know that I had a lot of time with her but I never wanted it to end...oh boy, the tears keep coming...she was so kind all of the people in our community loved her...what a loss to the world...this is not good for me ...I have to stop now...

Leo

" Carpe Diem "
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 13, 2010, 07:03:56 PM
Hi everyone,

Leo, I think it is good that your nephew is coming to visit.  I'm sure he cares about you very much and is concerned about you.  It's not healthy to isolate entirely from the world even though we would like to.  It is digging a hole for ourselves that we will probably regret in the months and years to come.  I think we need to walk a fine line between maintaining our privacy and being kind and acknowledging others in our lives right now.  In time, I think we will recognize that we cannot go it alone in this world. 

I was outside working on my flowers today when my neighbor from down the street came to see me.  He was in Florida all winter and gone for Charlie's funeral, and he wanted to express his condolences.  He is actually Charlie's next door neighbor.  Like your wife, Leo, Charlie was liked by everyone, and he is missed by everyone here as well.  It is always hard to hear words of condolence from someone (even at this late date), and I got all choked up, but I did appreciate his taking the time to come over and talk to me.  He said to me as he left, "life goes on."  It's such a trite phrase, but it is true.  Life does not cease because we have suffered such a tremendous loss in our lives.  And in time we must accept this, or what else is there.

I had a meltdown last night and cried for a long time, but today I held it together although I still feel numb and empty every day and wonder each morning how long I will feel like this.  This is such a difficult road to travel--if only people understood without having to be there themselves.  It feels like we are the ones who have died, not our loved ones. 

I was invited to a party tomorrow night that some friends are giving.  They are all couples, and it was nice of them to include me, but I declined saying that I was not ready to deal with being in the company of couples right now.  I don't know if I will ever be again!!  The host said she understood completely, but she was probably glad that I declined the invitation.  I probably would have put a damper on everyone's fun.

Leo, I hope that your nephew's visit goes well and that you can communicate some of your thoughts and feelings to him.  I'm sure he is a loving and caring person and must care about you an awful  lot to travel so many miles to see you.

Wishing everyone peace this evening and tomorrow,

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 13, 2010, 09:42:49 PM
Hi everyone,
     Leo try not to be nervous about your nephew, like Jannie said, he must really care and be worried about you, he is traveling so far to see you.  Maybe you can sit and talk to him, about how you are feeling, it is hard to start, but once you do it all just flows out and you can't stop, it is good for your heart to talk to someone. 
     Your wife would be so proud of you, and the garden, it sounds like you are doing a good job, that is like me fixing my glasses and fixing a doorknob, I never did it before, but I found the tools and was able to do it.
      Somehow  we have to get through the day, I don't know how we do it, but it is night time again, so the days are passing, some are worse than others, Yesterday I woke up so angry, don't know why, just wanted to stay in bed all day, but fought it and went to work, but still was angry inside, but today I got up cried and I think I felt a drop better.
      Who knows, this journey we have now that we didn't ask for, we don't have much of a choice. 
      Did you think about getting a journal and writing to your wife, I do and it helps me, it is a good thing to do.
It makes you feel like you are talking to them.
       Leo enjoy your visit as best you can
Take care, wishing you peace
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 14, 2010, 06:25:27 AM
Good morning Jannie, Karen and everyone else,
Well I survived another  night and am here to see the morning...my nephew came yesterday around 4 P.M. and we talked a long time and then went out to dinner...he did not stay overnight as he was anxious to get to his final destination...he left my house around midnight and still had a two hour drive...a long day for him as he had already driven 13+ hours ( 8 hours yesterday) to get to my house...he seems like a very sensitive individual and nice person...he feels that his mother (my wife's sister) imparted everything that he is...said his dad was busy with other things...also said that when his mom died that he not feel  he could not approach his dad with his true feelings...he was 12 then ...24 now and still has such emotion when he thinks of his mom...I had several partial breakdowns when trying to relate things to him...the words get caught halfway out, the emotion surges and I have difficulty saying them...it was good to see him but after he left I was comfortable being alone and glad that he did not stay over...it was 12:30 this A.M. when I got to bed...didn't feel too tired though...I still feel that I do not want to be around people...I do not know what is happening to me...I seem to becoming more despondent...crazy thoughts whirling through my mind...I do not feel that anybody really understands me...how very close my wife and I were...how much she means to me...I get angry at times...I get such lonely feelings...no where to turn...why live this horrible existence I tell myself...my whole purpose for being is gone...this A.M. tears have been coming down my face even when I have not been crying...my eyes are very blurred with tears...what is there waiting for me? another day of this horrible existence and then to wake up tomorrow and have more of the same...boy what a travesty...I do not like it one bit...I guess I have to force myself through the useless motions to exist...I miss my dear wife so much ...the pain is so unbearable at times...Jannie your friend is right " life does go on"...I too wonder how long the way I am feeling will go on...I feel the numbness...have the meltdowns...I do not blame you for not wanting to go to the party...I don't really want to be around two people let alone a party...
I bought more flowers yesterday...I will plant more today...have to go to the art framer again...trying to keep on the move...for what reason I do not know...
Karen, yes I have been keeping a daily journal and write to my dear wife...I think that it helps...I seem to be getting more emotional...if that is possible...I am crying so frequently and the heavy feeling refuses to let go of me...I have my dear wife's pictures all over and the emotions roll in and out so frequently...I get exhausted...it is if I do not get a chance to recuperate form one episode then another comes pounding in on me...
Well I guess I had better get on with this day...hope that everyone finds some peace...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 14, 2010, 08:54:42 AM
Hello Jannie,
Your friend is right " life goes on " but I should have added...the final choice rests with us if want to go on...I just feel so badly today...I look at my wife's pictures and it is almost too much to bear...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: browneyedgirl on May 14, 2010, 11:02:16 AM
((((Leo))))

Thinking of you....
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 14, 2010, 07:31:31 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone,
                     Life goes on is what they say and it is so ,and the days are passing, one melts into the other, and we are still suffering, and what is next., does it ever end.  I went to work today, I am trying to get through the day, by pushing myself out the door, during the afternoon, I got an anxiety  attack, how can we function. It is so hard,   It is so lonely here, except for my dogs, there is no one to talk to. 
                     It is good that you saw your nephew, and went to dinner, you have to push yourself as hard as you can. I know if I stop pushing myself, I will fall down and won't be able to get up.  I am trying so hard to not let that happen.
                     He let me and my sons know that he is around, he had each one of us wake up a 4:44, that is the exact time that he passed, first my older son, then he told me about it and I woke up at that exact time, I told my younger son who is always skeptical, and that night he woke up at 4:44, so it just can not be a coincidence, He is letting us know that he is o k, and with us.  that makes me feel a tiny bit better.
                    Oh, we just have to go through each day, and  go with our feelings, sad, mad, whatever it is, every day I wake up feeling different emotions.  I just don't understand, half of me is gone, I was him and he was me, I will never be whole again....
    Good Night
    ((((((((Hugs))))))))))
      Karen
           
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 15, 2010, 10:04:13 AM
Hello Leo, Karen, and all,

Well, I survived the night.  We had a horrific storm here around 7:30 last night and lost power until around 1:30 this morning.  It then went out 2 more times during the night, but everything is working this morning.  There are a lot of tree limbs down and branches everywhere. 

Friends of mine who live here called me around 9:00 pm to see if I wanted to go out and try to get something to eat (we have electric here for cooking, so I couldn't even make my dinner).  I told them I wasn't going anywhere--like a big baby, I was crying before they called because I was afraid of the dark--not so much the dark, but the quiet, and the thought that I would have nothing else to do but think until the power went back on.  So with my big flashlight, I went to bed and read a book (not easy to do) until I fell asleep. 

Leo, I hope you are feeling a little better today.  Please do not be offended by this. I know you are really having a difficult time (as we all are), but I really believe you would feel better if you talked to someone.  You can't continue to keep this all to yourself and cut yourself off from the world.  It's not going to get any better if you don't talk about it to someone, anyone.  I know it's not a miracle cure for what we are going through, and no one can tell us how we feel, but if you open up to someone you trust, you will find that most people are understanding and will listen.  It won't change your circumstances, but I guarantee you will feel just a little lighter for having unburdened yourself a little.

Karen, I understand what  you are saying about emotions.  I wake every morning, and my mind is spinning with them.  I am still angry (at God mostly), but I am trying to reconcile my feelings about that.  I have been crying a little less, but most of the time I walk around sad and numb.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a face with absolutely no emotion any more.  Once in a while, when I am watching TV, and someone says or does something funny, I find myself laughing out loud for a few minutes, so I know I am still in there somewhere.

It's another weekend which I hate--couples and families doing things everywhere--I am so envious and so lonely.  I don't know how I lived all those years by myself after my husband died and before I met Charlie.  He turned my whole life around, and now he is gone.  I miss him desperately.  It's SO unfair to have lost the two most beautiful men I ever will ever know and to have them both in my life for such a brief time.  My first husband (we were divorced after 18 years of marriage) was an evil man, and he is still living!!  They say God only takes the good ones, and that is SO true in my case. 

I'd better get moving--I am in desperate need of a haircut today.  If I manage to get just one thing done each day, at least it isn't a total waste.  Baby steps, as they say. 

I am beginning to cry , so I'd better stop now.

Wishing everyone peace, strength, love, and a good day,

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 15, 2010, 09:17:05 PM
Hi Jannie, Leo and everyone
          I agree with you Jannie, I think you should talk to someone, you can't hold it in Leo, it just makes everything worse than it is,  I know you are a private person but I find if I talk about Johnny or about what happened as much as it hurts like Jannie said it helps to get it off your chest for a moment, and every moment that we can breath easy is a good one.
          I am reading some books on grieving and a lot of what I read says not to keep things bottled up, it makes the grieving harder for you. Please try to talk to someone, (friend, counselor, grief group,) anyone.
          I was in the yard today letting a lot of  something out pulling lots of weeds, and trimming lots of stuff that didn't even need it, but it was hard work, and I had a blank mind while I did it.
          Well tomorrow my son is coming with my daughter in law and my grandsons, so you know that I will be good and tired at night.  but that is a good thing,  sleep is my friend.
   
 Well Good Night to all
((((((Hugs))))))))
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 15, 2010, 09:20:07 PM
Jannie
    I almost forgot, I am so sorry that you had such a bad storm, and no power, that would have upset me so much, I never liked to be in the dark, and especially alone, you were very brave.  I give you a lot of credit for staying there, I don't know what I would have done, (certainly been really frightened).
     Well Good Night
   (((((Hugs))))))
    Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 16, 2010, 04:22:44 PM
Hello Leo, Karen, and all,

Leo, haven't seen you post in a few days.  We care about you and hope that you are okay.  We are all going through our own "hell," but it does help some when we are able to share our pain with others.  There is no magic cure for our grief, but it does us no good to isolate completely either. 

Karen, I wasn't really afraid of the dark, just being alone I guess.  Too much time to think without the benefit of electricity to keep the mind occupied----TV, DVD's, cooking, etc.   Not to mention light to read by! 

I went over to see my neighbor today who has been hospitalized and in rehab.  His wife and I talked for a while, and she got me started crying when she mentioned to me how much Charlie was in love with me and wanted the whole world to know.  I was okay up until then!

I cleaned up the front lawn of debris from the storm the other night--what a mess.  Tree branches all over the place.  I really need to start walking again--I am getting no exercise.  I was always so good about it--walked every day for 2-3 miles with Charlie.  We so enjoyed those walks.  We talked to everyone along the way.  I need to get myself back into shape for my health, if for nothing else, but it is so hard to walk alone now. 

Hope you had a good day with your family, Karen.  Leo, please let us know you are okay.

Peace, comfort, and a good night to all,

Jannie


Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 16, 2010, 07:13:09 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone,

Yes I am still here...having two of my worst days in the last 65 yet...have not felt like writing anything...such sadness and pain the likes of which I have never known...I am so numb and almost constant crying...picked up more pictures of my dear wife...the frames and photos look so good...I ask myself how can this be...I still can't believe that I will never see the love of my life again...she is my everything...when I get home I call out to her as I usually would each time...but there is no answer...I go to her computer room and her chair is empty...I think to myself what a hollow existence I am living...

I appreciate your concern and recommending that I see someone...thank you... but I only ever opened up to my dear wife and I will not open up to some stranger no matter how well intentioned/experienced she/he is...that is the way I feel...that is me...everyone has their own manner of trying to recover...isolation or no isolation who knows what is best...I have been trying to keep busy...getting a lot of her pictures enlarged and framed has been taking  a lot of time...I found a small picture of her and she had written a note that she attached on the back...she wrote that she loved me and that we can get through anything...I felt so badly after reading that note...one thing after another seems to be compounding the pain and sadness...

Today from my back window I could see 6 couples playing a lawn game ( bocce ball )...they seemed to be having a lot of fun...jumping up and down...laughing...I see couples everywhere I go...I hope that they realize how fortunate they are...

I have been spending a lot of time working ( 4-5 hours many days) in the garden/yard...pruning the rose bushes, watering, weeding, mulching and putting in more plants ( Purslane, Calibrachoa or trailing petunia, Verbena, lilies, Angelonia and Coleus )...tomorrow I think I will have to mow the lawn...all of my wife's garden growing boxes sit empty on the side patio for the first time ever...they stand at attention like soldiers in a row waiting for their commander to come and give them orders...but alas they do not realize that they are waiting in vain in the sun...the soil is drying up inside them...almost the way  that I feel...nothing will grow from them this year...
Jannie...sorry that you had to face another type of darkness...I hate turning the last light off at night...I think that is why I have been staying up til midnight...start to feel tired...I know what you and Karen are saying regarding emotions...mine are like a huge roller coaster...
I can hear thunder now...take care for now and I wish you and everyone else well and hope that all can find some peace of mind...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 16, 2010, 07:52:40 PM
Hello Cecilia,
Have not heard from you in a while and hope that you are doing OK...just wanted to say hello and wish you well...I am sure that your children are keeping you busy...do not know what else to say...words do not mean too much...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 16, 2010, 08:47:12 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone
      I also was worried about you Leo, I am glad that you are keeping busy in the yard and with the pictures, I have Johnny's pictures all over the bedroom, I think I told you.
      I spent a lot of time pulling weeds and trimming plants in my yard, I think doing things in the garden is good for us, we all seem to be doing it.  I feel like I don't have to think in the garden, it is strange.
      My son, daughter in law and grandsons where here to visit today, it was a good visit, but it feels very weird that Johnny is not there, when they left I was very depressed.  I went on the computer, and then in Johnny's closet and just stared at everything for a long time, I get a knot in my stomach when I look at his stuff, or his pictures and especially when I listen to his voice on his answering machine,  then I really can't breathe, but I keep doing it,  I don't know why, I just want to hear his voice.  Leo I miss him so much it takes my breathe away, I know that I am still in shock, because every once in a while reality comes through the fog, and I just don't think I can bear it. 
    It is true, everyone is different, and maybe it is better for you not to talk to anyone,  I can't do that I need help or I won't be able to get through this, I know it.  I am going to a grief group tomorrow night in church for the first time, I hope that I find some help.
     I am certainly not as strong as it seems I am, everyone is saying that I am strong, not true, Johnny was the strong one, I am just existing now, day to day, all a blur, I still can not accept that he is gone.
    I understand your heartache, Leo and Jannie, it is just overwhelming.
  (((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))
      Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 17, 2010, 06:37:17 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone,
Here I am...survived another night to face this day on earth alone without my darling wife...all of her many visions from the good times to the last month of her illness are haunting my mind relentlessly...I am wondering what if or if we did something differently...I sit here dazed and so all alone with my pain and sadness...I was going to cut the grass early but it is raining hard so I will have to wait until tomorrow ...I was hoping to burn off some energy with several hours of yard work...now it looks like I am going to be house bound for today...
Karen, it is nice that you have some of your family...I would think that it would help some...so much of what you say I am experiencing also...I have many friends here but no one close...many of the women I know here are very sympathetic...I can tell from their facial expressions and when they talk to me but their husbands have a blank look or do not know what to say and stand there without any kind of facial expression ( at least as to how I perceive them )...it is not their fault...I just think it is how they have been conditioned...so much of life is conditioning from an early age in society...I read recently online about the way people grieve...men vs women...most men do not show much emotion in front of people...especially in the presence of other men...most want to get on with life right away and put things behind them...they want to do it without any help even when they have someone close...I have some friends say " hang in there " or  " you're looking better " when I am feeling awful and rotten onside...or " I can see that you are keeping busy, that's good " or " you can't stay in the house forever " or " you can't bring her back, so you should get on with your life "...it bothers me and I tell myself that they do not know what to say and do not mean to offend me...almost everything that is said can be subjected to multiple interpretations...I am in a state of constant flux and do not know where my emotions or feelings are going to end up...the last several days of so much crying have been exhausting me so much...it seems that the more you are in love and cherish someone, the more you pay in pain and sadness when you lose them...I guess that is to be expected...
 I am torn about going away in September...I am afraid that when I am away from our home and have nothing familiar around me that I will miss all the reminders of my wife terribly...it feels so comfortable here...her pictures, her garden, her things...she is so very dear to me...I had better stop now...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 17, 2010, 02:07:02 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone.
I was working outside for about 3 hours...the rain stopped and I mowed the lawn and did other work outside...I cried before going out, while I was mowing the lawn, while I showered and after...seems as if I can not turn the faucet off...I am trying but when I focus on my dear wife's absence I simply lose it...I did not get to bed until 12:30 this A.M. and arose at about 6:45...I seem to be sleeping better but that is being offset by a morose sadness that almost seems to be intolerable so much of the time...it haunts me day and night and never takes time off...I am trying to stay busy ( the garden and am doing a lot with her pictures and framing )  but this state of mind is like a spirit sitting on my shoulder...it never gets off...it reminds me of the devastating loss of my dear wife...my priceless treasure is gone and I can't get it back...maybe all the pictures in every room and the constant reminders all over are accentuating the sadness and pain...who knows why...I have mentioned that we are all conditioned in life to many things...I am conditioning my state of mind into a pain and sadness state that will be an intense part of me for the rest of my life...that's enough for now...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 17, 2010, 08:16:59 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and all
        Well today turned out to be a really lousy one, It started off not to bad , then I was supposed to go to that grief support group tonight, the anxiety before the meeting gave me a knot in my stomach and chest, don't know why just nervous about it, well I took the bus and traveled for about a half hour, got to the church, went into the rectory asked where the bereavement group was and they looked at me like i had two heads.  She took out the church bulletin, and it did say 1st and 3rd monday of the month, thank goodness or I would have thought I really lost it.  So the secretary called the sister that was in charge of the group and asked her what was going on, and the sister said on no that is an error the meetings are on the 1st and 3rd thursday of the month, well I turned around and left, I was so upset, and angry, after all that and I was let down, so I have been really down tonight, I really miss him and I have a twisted insides, I know that is not a good thing,  I am starting to think maybe I should just stay home in bed and cover my head and not even bother trying, what am I trying for anyway?
Take care everyone
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 17, 2010, 08:42:13 PM
Hi Jannie & Karen and all,
Well here I am again...all sorts of thoughts speeding through my mind...I feel very distraught and sad tonight...I keep looking at my wife's photos and I break down...I do not like this life at all...actually I hate it very much...everything is so intense and piercing...I worked outside again tonight to try and tire myself out...while I was out, my next door neighbor calls out in a very lighthearted tone from nearly 100 feet away " Hi how are you doing?" I guess it is probably my overly sensitive state but I have not seen her in almost two weeks since they returned...I would have thought that she might have come over to within conversation distance and said " I know that it is still too soon but I was wondering if you were doing OK "...I halfheartedly said "OK", nothing more and turned away...I have become such a different person...no laughing, out going or happiness is left in me...I gather ( my opinion ) that some people think that I am taking much too long to get back on the road to normalcy...it makes me want to avoid people more...people do not want to hang around me and listen to my grieving...it is if I had the bubonic plague... there is nothing to look forward to except another sad day and more pain...no matter what I do it will always be the same...the same...Leo has to get that through his head...

Karen...I am sorry that you went to the meeting for nothing...the nervousness, the let down...try not to let it get to you...look at a picture of Johnny or think about a happy moment that you had with him...don't focus on the scheduling error...I should practice what I preach if you look at how I let my neighbor's action bother me...I should not have wasted my energy on such a minor incident...
I guess we all will try many things and most probably will not work out for us in our attempts to find  some sort of peace...I can not accept that my dear wife is gone and I get so frustrated...I see her face...I hear her voice...I feel as if I will explode...
I hope tomorrow will be better for all of us...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 18, 2010, 09:15:07 PM
Hi Leo , Jannie, and everyone,
    Well leo, today it rained all day here, it was a depressing miserable day,  My brother in law came to visit, which was nice and my son, daughter in law and the boys showed up again tonight, so they all kept me busy, although it is so strange to be together and he is not there, after everyone leaves it is hard for me, I get depressed, because I realize that he was missing.  Like you say Leo, we will never get used to this, I miss him more and more, I found it hard to breathe alot today, I know it is anxiety.  You are right leo, no matter where we go or what we do, it is not going to change anything, they are still gone, and we are alone and lost.
    I better try to sleep, I have work tomorrow,
    Take Care,
   (((Hugs))))
  karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 19, 2010, 04:00:11 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone,
Again I start another day that I know is one to be faced with sadness and pain...nothing really to look forward to improving...still the numbness and so many tears...I am spending a lot of time in the garden and at the framers...the framer lost his mother 10 days before my wife...he understands and we can relate in some way...he has the sadness and emotion that makes it difficult for him to talk sometimes...I  am speaking rarely to anyone else...the quietness of the house...my silence except the tears and my brief talks to my wife...no more joking or laughing that would be normally spread throughout the day...the affectionate hugs...the warm kisses...all gone now...and I know that tomorrow will be the same as will the day after and so on...
I bought more flowers yesterday and I will spend more time outside again today...I am so aware of couples when I go out...many seem very old and some hobble along but I think to myself "they have each other " how lucky they are...I hope that they are savoring the moment for at some point they may be wandering the other world into which I have been thrust...what I would not give to have my darling back again...I miss her so much...it does not seem possible that she is gone...just a memory now...the tears come just at the thought...I hate the thought...I really do not want to be here...
there are only so many flowers that I can plant and only so many pictures that I can have framed...what do I do then? I am just in a holding pattern...
I have to focus more when I am driving...yesterday while I was stopped at an intersection I looked both ways and started up and out of nowhere it seems a car was there in front of me coming from my right...I hit the brakes...he was in a blind spot just momentarily and I just did not focus enough to do a double take which I do normally...I am so fogged up...
I am puzzled that I have not received any emails from my friend that had been in contact with me many times and was very sympathetic...it has been almost 3 weeks...they had stayed overnight and I have not heard from them...I mailed them a package but no word...most people tend to judge a situation based on how they think and if you do not respond in that way they may think something is wrong with you...I guess that is only natural...
Karen, try to relax and take deep breaths...think about a happy time with Johnny...I know what you mean about the tightness...working outside and moving about doing some work helps me...it is good that you have some people around you...it seems as if it helps you some...I used to walk a lot but the fear of running into so many of my friends keeps me at bay...I know that I will break down and it gets so exhausting going through my story again and again...I think that I better get used to the idea of being a recluse...
It is light outside...I think I'll go out and work before people start milling about...
Wishing all some kind of better days ahead and some inner peace...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 19, 2010, 08:57:40 AM
Hi Leo, Karen, and all,

I tried to post last night, but the website here was having problems, and the forums were down for several hours.  I finally gave up.

Karen, so sorry that you had so many problems with the support group you tried to attend.  Iím sure that was a big disappointment to you, but donít give up.  I have attended 3 support group meetings sponsored by hospice, and I think it is the right group for me, although their 8-week sessions are ending next week until the fall, so I donít know what I am going to do for the summer.  I donít quite understand why they break since, as we know, grief does not take a holiday for any of us, but I know that most of them do that, so I will see if I can find one that goes all year-round.  Itís too bad because I really feel comfortable with this group.

We had another hard day of rain yesterday which was really depressing.  I went out for a bit for some groceries and nearly had an accident in the parking lot of the supermarket because I wasnít paying attention.  My brakes were so wet that I was lucky to have stopped when I slammed on them.  I should have stayed home.  When I got home, everything hit me at once, and I had a meltdown.  I am finding that my meltdowns although intense are becoming more short-lived, although I still walk around sad, numb, and without feeling most of the time.  I don't know how I am going to manage going back to work next week--I am dreading it--but I made the committment, so I will go do it. 

Leo, I don't know what to say to you to ease your pain.  You are being so hard on yourself. I think that soon you will need to find some other ways to channel your energies.  Like you said, how many flowers can you plant and how many pictures can you frame.  Eventually, you will have to stop and find something else to do.  You CANNOT let yourself become a recluse.  It's not you--you said so yourself.  You talked about what a friendly and happy person you always were--you ARE still in there!  I think we become too sensitive to what other people say or do not say in our present state.  Our emotions are raw and on the surface, and we become offended too easily.  Maybe the reason you feel people are avoiding you is that you are giving them the impression that you don't want them to approach you.  You are not really giving them a chance, especially those who really care about you.  Do you realize that we do not even know your wife's first name, although we have all shared the names of our loved ones here. 

I do talk to my neighbors and have been picking up the phone lately when friends call and making an effort to discuss with them what they have been up to instead of just constantly dumping my grief on them.  Leo, you should turn your phone back on.  I'm sure many people are concerned about you and would like to talk to you.

Karen, you are lucky to have such a good family around you for support.  I am alone like Leo with no children, siblings, or parents.  It is very difficult to have to do this alone--Charlie became my whole world, and now he is gone.  Cherish your family.

Leo, I just read your post from this morning.  Strange that we both almost had an accident yesterday.  That incident really scared me--it was so close, and it would have been my fault.  I'm glad we both escaped a bad accident.

Well, the power company here is going to be doing work on the electrical grid from noon till 4:00 this afternoon, so I need to get my car out of the garage before they shut off the power.  What a nuisance--as if we didn't have enough last Friday night.  But I guess that situation must have caused some problems with the grid, so it has to be fixed. 

Take care and be kind to yourselves,

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 19, 2010, 11:58:42 AM
Hello Jannie,
Sorry that you almost got into an accident...I am happy that your support group is working for you...too bad they do not continue for the summer...maybe something else will come up...
I appreciate some of the things that you say but why can we not accept people for what they are...we are all different...support groups may work for some but may not for others...if some do not choose a support group I respect their decision...sensitivity is difficult to measure...there is no scale...something may offend one person but not another...who is right? both may be justified...when someone says something to me once I am perceptive usually...if I do not respond it means that I do not wish to respond...we all think differently and I think it is important to be respective of the other persons decisions...even though in one persons mind it may seem wrong...these things are subjective...I do not think that I have become any more sensitive...three of my friends,separately, who have lost a spouse have felt that what was said to me was insensitive ...on some occasions they heard the words personally...I can't say if you are overly sensitive...if you tell me someone said something insensitive to you I accept that your mind interpreted it as such...
Some people may wish to relate things about themselves and some not...I accept both sides...nothing is wrong with either...I feel that a person will tell what they want to say...I do things normally with some rational in mind...I accept what a person wants to relate and feel they will indicate such if they wish...is that wrong?
I do not wish to annoy you but am expressing my feelings to you...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 19, 2010, 04:12:06 PM
Hi Leo,

You are by no means annoying me.  I certainly hope I didn't annoy you.

What I meant by the insensitivity comment is that we are ALL sensitive to people's comments right now.  It's hard to blow them off, but I think it's pointless to waste our valuable emotional energy (of which we have so little of) on their remarks. 

I was so offended two weeks ago by something that occurred at Charlie's friend's funeral.  I stewed about it all day, then realized that the woman who offended me wasn't worth all the energy I was wasting on her actions.  She was someone who Charlie didn't even like, so why should I care?

I wasn't suggesting that you join a support group--I understand your feelings about that.  You seem to be able to open up to people so well here, so I know that it is possible for you to do so in "real life."

Karen, I hope you had a better day today. 

Leo, take care and have a peaceful evening.

I have said enough today.

Jannie
 



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 19, 2010, 07:44:21 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone,
  I hear what you are saying Jannie and I understand...I hope that your day went well and I hope that going back to work will be OK for you...
Karen ...I hope today was an OK day for you...
I worked outside again and now the maintenance work is going to require a few hours a day to keep it up since I can't plant too much more...went to the framers this afternoon got more photos and hung them...called my neighbors from two doors down and invited them over for some wine and to look at the pictures...they both have been the most understanding and sympathetic of my friends here...I felt  that I should do something and did not want them to feel that  I was intentionally ignoring them...they were wondering how I was doing and did not want to intrude by calling me...she thought maybe I was not doing too well since I called them more in the beginning...I told her it was not meant to ignore them intentionally but I just did not feel like being with or talking to people now...
I am fluent in Italian and try to spend at least two hours a day in listening to conversation podcasts that I download from Italian websites...it is just another way that I have been trying to keep my mind occupied...it helps a little because I have to let go of English and focus on the native speakers...before I had my wife to converse with everyday...so many daily things that we did together and enjoyed...so much is gone...so little is left...it is not the same...
Wishing everyone on the site well and hope that some day there will be some improvement for us all...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 19, 2010, 09:14:17 PM
Hi Jannie, Leo and all
        Well I literally pushed myself out of the door today to go to work, I just wasn't in the mood, but I did it,  The weather was horrible here yesterday, all it did was rain.  Well I am still here, still trying to keep moving, and not get into a rut.
       I am so sorry that you both came so close to having an accident, that is why I don't really want to start driving right now, because of the focusing. 
       Well tonight (thurs), I have another shot at a group meeting, at another church, I am not going to even think about it until I go there and see how it is. 
        As soon as the  health insurance is changed over to my name, I might seek out a therapist,  I have to see if any of these groups work out, if not i will try another avenue.
        Jannie, I to have been trying to talk to my friends about other things besides my grief, and I even find myself smiling once in a while. 
       My family is really wonderful, my sons are very loving, and here if I need them in a minute, but they have their families and I don't want to burden them with my feelings all the time, but I do call them and let them know if I am very upset.
        Thank you for all the good wishes, and I hope that we all find peace in our hearts and minds
        Jannie it is good to go back to work, even though it is hard and a lot of times I don't want to go, it keeps my mind busy, and it makes the day pass, and sometimes it changes your mood,
        It is hard the first day back, you are anticipating how everyone will act to you, but once that is over, it is back to work, and it gets easier to walk in.
        I am glad that you have friends over leo, that was very nice, a little wine, talking and your wife's pictures, I hope that it was soothing for you.
       Well I better get to bed, I have work, running on buses to the grief group, dogs to feed and walk, and just a way to busy day tomorrow.
       Good Night, and Bless everyone
   ((((((((hugs)))))))))))
     Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 20, 2010, 04:50:49 AM
Hello Karen,
It sounds as if you are keeping busy and and your mind diverted....making some progress in the right direction...that seems to be good...I can imagine how you feel with the thought of burdening your children but I would think that they would remember all those years when "mom" was there for them...taking care of them,,,helping them with there problems which in many cases seemed bigger than life in their young minds...
I hope that all goes well with your support group...try to focus on thoughts of your husband each time you feel yourself getting nervous regarding the group tonight...everyone there will be in a situation that is similar to yours and I would think they would be nervous...they are in pain and burdened with such sadness...unfortunately none of us can turn back...we are stranded in this place that I would guess none of us ever dreamed we would be...
My friends stayed for about an hour...it was good to talk to them but when they left I slipped into the abyss of sadness so quickly...there I was...alone again and I know that is how it will be...it is just something with which I have to deal...I miss my wife so very much...she was my everything...
I am going to do some work outside and then go on some errands...I have to keep moving...doing something...
Wishing that you have a good day and evening...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 20, 2010, 07:34:34 PM
Hi all,

I'm really worn out tonight.  I took a drive today to a historic village about an hour from here.  It was such a beautiful day, and I have been on a quest for a bench for the front of my house for several weeks now.  There are such great shops there with so many unusual and homemade items that I knew I would find something, and I did.  It is just perfect, and I am pleased with it.  Tomorrow I will clean up the area I want to put it in.  I had my landscaper here earlier this week to weed and mulch for me, so the place is shaping up.  I only wish Charlie was here to see and enjoy.  He loved working outside with flowers and plants, and his place always looked so nice.  Now it is overgrown and full of weeds, but I guess it doesn't matter since it is being sold in about another week.  His daughter is coming up from Florida to close on it Memorial Day weekend.

Karen, I have a somewhat seasonal job (I am a food demonstrator) and only work about 16 hours a week.  Next week they have asked me to do a special favor and work 4 days in a row (full time) at another store (about 20 miles from where I live), so it will be really hard for me to do that especially since I have not worked in almost 6 months now.  After next week, I will go back to my regular schedule in a store which is only about a mile and a half from where I live.  Everyone tells me that it will be good for me to go back to work, and I guess they are right.  I had a full-time career in the financial world.  I was forced into an early retirement at age 50 and was fortunate enough to not have to return to work full-time since then.

Let us know how you made out with the support group this evening.  I hope you found some comfort there.

Leo, it was nice that you had some company last night.  It sounds like your friends are sympathetic and are trying to reach out to you.

I think it is great that you are fluent in Italian!  I am of Italian background myself (northern Italy) and always wish I knew how to speak the language.  I know a few words, but not much.  I have been to Italy twice (last time in 1985), and it has always been my desire to go back someday.  It is such a beautiful country.

I managed to get through most of today without crying, but it always catches up with me at night.  Lately I have been having some really bad dreams (maybe it is the melatonin).  They involve people who have been dead for years (my parents and grandparents mostly). 

Leo, I don't think it does us any good to think about what we might have done differently with regard to our loved one's illnesses.  I'm sure you did the best you could, and so did I as well as everyone else on here.  I'm sure that whatever we think we might have done differently would not have affected the ultimate outcome.

Saturday I have the memorial service in the morning given by hospice, and then there is that birthday party in the afternoon given by the parents of the young lady who died in the automobile accident last July.  I am still not sure if I will attend that.  We'll see how it goes.  It's hard to imagine having a birthday party for someone who has died, but then again everyone grieves in their own way.  If that is what her parents feel they need to do, then who am I to criticize.

Well, I am feeling tired, so I think I will end here.

Peace and good night. 
Ciao Leo,

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 20, 2010, 08:32:42 PM
Hello Jannie , Karen and all,

Jannie, It sounds as if you had a very good day...I have been getting about 6 good hours of sleep and rarely wake up now during the night... I was very busy today...went to the framers early... was outside working  in the garden two different times today and also started work on refinishing several pieces of wooden furniture that are on the back terrace (this is a major undertaking with sanding and eventual staining and resealing the wood )...I have the time and plenty of it...I went to the mall in the late afternoon to do some shopping...did two loads of wash and took two showers...and here I sit releasing some of my thoughts...still feel very despondent and get so overwhelmed with the crying...comes on me in a flash wherever I am...twice in the car today while in traffic...I thought to  myself that I was so very fortunate to have almost 33 wonderful years of so much love and caring companionship as I was driving along...
 I know what you mean about the what ifs regarding my wife's illness but sometimes it is difficult to control...I try not to go there...several of my friends here have told me so...but I am what I am...
Sounds as if you will be very busy with your work assignment...that will probably be good for you...

My mother's parents are from Calabria and my dad's are from Sicily...we have several central and northern Italian friends and three of the families want me to go there and be/live with them for a while...they have written such touching emails...they thought the world of my wife... one couple called me and they want me to live with them for a while...they want me to call them ( no emails ) because they want to hear if  I sound OK...they came in 2005 and stayed with us for 5 days...none on the families speak English so that really is good for me to keep my Italian up to date...our last trip there was 2004...I am just finishing a glass of Italian red wine...
"Mia carissima moglie era la mia vita sempre...oggi per mi  c'Ť niente..." " my dearest wife was my life always...today for me there is nothing"
"per tutti qui un abbraccio affettuoso"  " for all here an affectionate hug"

My neighbor emailed me today and thanked me for letting them come over last night to have some wine and look at the photos that I hung...they both liked my frame selections and we had a good discussion while they were here...they are sympathetic and understanding...


Karen , I am anxious to see how your support group went...I hope that it wasn't canceled...did  you have a good day?
How are you doing at work? Are you able to relax and not tense up...it will probably get easier as the days go by...hope that you are doing as well as can be expected...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 20, 2010, 09:47:28 PM
Hello to all,
I don't know...it is almost 12:30 A.M....went to get into bed and had several mental images of my wife and started crying and could not stop...I do not feel tired...just had to come and write something down...anything...just so I do not have to turn off that last light switch...took enough melatonin...the number of my crying spells has increased dramatically of late...this existence is just a living hell and so numbing...sometimes I just feel like giving up if this is what I am going to be facing for years...it is 70 days today since I lost my dear wife and it feels like an eternity...what to do...what to say...where to go...how to keep busy...it seems like such a blur and nothing makes any sense or has purpose in my present state of mind...what a waste of humanity to have our loved ones taken from us...just being plucked out of the world for no reason...that is just plain unfair and mean...
I just took more spray melatonin and it works fast...my eyes are feeling very droopy...I will try for bed again...
good night...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 20, 2010, 09:53:44 PM
Hi Leo and Jannie
       Well surprise, I finally found a decent group, it went well, and everyone there  was there for the right reason to grieve,  it is from the catholic church, and it wasn't a religious meeting at all, I was happy, everyone just talked about how they felt, and it was good to hear that a lot of the feelings we have are pretty normal.  THe only problem is this is only once a month. we shall see,
       Well Leo, I come from italian backround also,  my mom's parents were from sicily and my dad's parents were from Tuscany, i understand most, but I can't speak, at least not the right way,  I could go for a good glass of red wine right now.
       Jannie, it sounds like you had a good busy day, I am glad that you found something you are excited about, that is good, it sounds like it is going to be a wonderful place to sit and think. I like to pull the weeds, it is a good energy release, but my back dosen't like it.
       It might be hard to go back to work full time the first week back to work,  but you know you will be real tired at night and you will sleep good.  You are like me I only work 3 days a week, and my job is only 1 block from where i live.
that helps alot, no traveling.
       Leo, my husband loved to refinish furniture, antique oak, I have a house full of oak furniture, he loved doing things with his hands, he was a great mechanic, and could fix anything.  Now he was into refurbishing old bicycles, and selling them, he loved doing it, he was retired for about 9 years, and enjoyed every minute of it.  
       Well it is almost 1 a m and i have to work tomorrow, so I better get to sleep, my dogs are snoring away next to me. at least I have something alive near me.
       Good Night my friends
        I pray for peace in our hearts and minds
        God Bless
        ((((((Hugs)))))))
      Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 20, 2010, 09:55:52 PM
Hi Leo
   Hope you feel asleep,
Hugs Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on May 21, 2010, 04:59:06 AM
Hi Leo Jannie Karen and all

Leo after Jerry died I couldn't sleep either I still leave a lamp on. Same thing with losing my daughter. This mo. is Jerry's birthday. The 31st we always take flowers to him, but i fell off a chair trying to get a limb off my roof and broke my wrist, bruised some ribs and I am thinking here we go May and June are the two bad mos. for me. Both of them died in June, but the other mo. May was the beginning 3 yrs. ago. I hope everyone can find some kind of peace and a little happiness. Maybe a smile, I am typing with one hand so this probably won't make sense. Sometimes just writing things down helps. Wanted each of you to know I am thinking of you.

Donna
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 21, 2010, 06:35:41 AM
Hello DonnaB,
It is good to hear from you and I am sorry about your wrist...I would think that had to hurt quite a bit...do you have much pain now? Just what you needed, some more pain in your shattered life...hope that you recover as fast as possible...
Have you been doing OK with life? I know it has not been that long since you lost your daughter (last June)...having lost two of your loved ones has to be extremely trying on you...how do you manage to hold up?
I know what you mean about the lights...I find that in the evening I keep a lot of lights on and then it is difficult when the time comes to start turning them off...especially the last one...as soon as it is dark I visualize images of my wife and start crying,..I get worn out and after one last sob fall asleep...I got to bed at about 12:30A.M. started to cry...could not stop...got up and went to my computer to post here...took more melatonin...eyes got very droopy...went back to bed and the crying started all over but this time I wore myself out and slept...woke up at around 4 A.M....went to my computer and read a few posts...went back to bed at about 5:45 and got up about a half an hour ago...I made it to be here another day but realize that I am on my own and without my darling partner...why are we put through these horrific existences ?
Wishing you as good a day as possible and hope you experience some peace of mind...you deserve something good after all that you have been through...
Leo


Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 21, 2010, 06:47:38 AM
Hello to AK, Cecilia, Holly, Jaye and Poppy,

I have not heard from you all in a while and hope that you are doing better...I care if you are feeling OK and it makes me sad after reading some of your posts again...why we have to go through such sadness is beyond me...try to take care of yourselves...
Just wanted to say hello...
Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on May 21, 2010, 08:54:16 AM
Hi Leo, thanks for your kind words. It will be a yr. June 24 since I lost my daughter. I am not coping well at all with her gone. Not only was she my daughter she was my best friend after my husband died. my husbands name was Jerry and we named her Jerri after him. How do I manage to go on? I really don't know but I do. My wrist is just a small pain compared to the pain in my heart. Thanks and I hope you keep going on Leo. Sending you a hug and please take care of yourself. Wishing everyone on here some kind of peace.

Donna

I cry a lot to Leo.
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 21, 2010, 06:58:42 PM
Hello Leo, Karen, Donna, and all,

Hope everyone had a fairly good day.  I shopped for more flowers today and went from one nursery to the next, not being able to really find what I wanted.  My last stop was the one where I found something, finally.  I have a shady area in the front of my house (complete opposite of the back), so I needed some shade plants (I was looking for hanging baskets--have enough in the ground).  I was sick of impatiens (I have been doing them since I moved here) and wanted something different.  The lady at the nursery suggested "lobelia," a small, lovely flower which prefers little sun, so that is what I finally decided on.  Hope they do well for me.

I had a really bad night last night.  I fell asleep around 1:00 am, then woke up at around 3:15 and could not get back to sleep.  I watched cooking shows (my favorite form of entertainment on TV) till almost 6:00 am.  I turned the TV off several times but could not get to sleep.  At one point, I started to cry uncontrollably.  I finally fell asleep for a few hours, then woke up to the sound of lawn mowers and new roofs being put on.  I live in an adult community, and these things are taken care of by our maintenance.  My neighbors on the front side of my home were having their roof replaced.  Lots of noise, especially since all my windows were open last night because it was so warm.  Oh well, I am surprised I had as much energy as I had today given the minimal amount of sleep I had.  I really hope tonight I can get some sleep as I do want to attend the memorial service tomorrow morning.  I have been told that it is not a religious service, just a memorial to those who have died in hospice since November.  I'm not sure about going to the birthday party later in the afternoon--I'm not certain I can handle that.

Leo, I think it is so nice that you have friends you can stay with and visit in Italy.  I think I would definitely consider going there for a while when you are ready.  I wish I had that option.  Your Italian is so beautiful, I am jealous.  My family (on both my mother and my father's side) was from a small village in northern Italy called San Vito.  It is near Cortina in the Italian Alps.  I am sure there is no family left there to visit any more.  When I went to Italy last, I did the "tourist" thing and saw Rome, Venice, Florence, Capri, Milan, and the usual.  I was working then and my time was limited, so I did not get to visit the area where my parents' family came from.

Karen, I'm glad you found a support group you can feel comfortable with.  It's unfortunate that these groups only meet once or twice a month.  My group is actually breaking for the summer months after next week's meeting.  I'm not even sure I can make it next week, as I will be working until 6:00, then have a long drive to get there by 7:00.  So, I don't know what I will do for the summer months.  I will probably try and find another group, although I know a lot of them do the same thing in the summer.  I have, unfortunately, had to do this before when my husband died in 1998. 

Karen, one of my dreams is to visit Tuscany some day and attend some cooking classes.  Have you visited there?  I think it probably is one of the best places on earth. 

Donna, I hope you are feeling better.  I cracked some ribs years ago, and I know how painful that can be.  Like Leo said, you don't need this additional pain right now.  Take care of yourself.

I just had a call from the couple who are hosting the birthday party tomorrow for their daughter who was killed in an automobile accident last July.  I didn't answer since I did not recognize the name on my caller ID, but they just wanted to remind me about tomorrow.  I feel badly if I don't go, but I am not sure I can handle it.  I told them when they invited me that I would try, but I did not promise.

I feel so low tonight--have been crying on and off all day--I miss Charlie SO much--his beautiful smile, his tenderness, his kisses and hugs, the way we laughed, and the way we loved each other.  This is SO DAMN HARD!!!  I hate it!!!  I keep thinking that I was so happy a year ago, and now I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  I don't know why this happened--it's so unfair.  I saw so many couples when I was out today--many of them could hardly even walk--yet they still had each other.  My Charlie was so healthy and full of life, and yet he was taken from me.  I ask myself WHY a thousand times a day.

Well, I am crying now and feel very tired, so I think I will end here.

Peace and good night to all,

Jannie



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 21, 2010, 09:35:06 PM
Hi Leo, Donnab, Jannie and everyone,
      I had a tough day today, I worked until 7 tonight, and I had a lot of nervous energy, so I told my boss to give me tons of work, so i worked my butt off today, but it was good for me, and guess what I am not even tired tonight, so weird,  I had anxiety alot today, the tightness in my throat and chest,  I think sometimes I don't cry and that's when I get the anxiety, I just don't know.
      Jannie, tomorrow I plan on attacking the back yard again, weeding and trimming and such.  I am not close to a store that sells flowers, I would have to get to home depot, maybe if my son comes over. Sorry you had a bad night, seems that Leo had a bad night too.  I take something to sleep, if I don't sleep I will be totally finished. Hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.
       I have never been to Italy, my husband hated airplanes, didn't like the idea of no control, so we didn't go to far, Flew to Florida once, and we of course had a bad trip, and he swore he would never fly again.
       Donnab sorry about your wrist, I also once broke ribs, that hurts so much, you can hardly sleep.  I hope you feel better soon,  you do have enough pain to carry.  I wish I  could just make us all feel better. So sad Husband and Daughter, my heart hurts for you.
        Leo, hope you had a decent night, get a good nights sleep tonight if you can, spray more melatonin, eventually it will work.  I hope we all have a calm day tomorrow.
        I am very sad tonight, my heart feels heavy, I think I am going to wind up physically sick from all this stress.  I just wish Johnny was sitting next to me, I am laying in bed with my laptop.  No more hugs, kisses, back massages, late night desert, and just talking, and just being near each other,  playing with my hair, never again to feel him, I cannot believe this is true, I just can't.  Leo I understand, we just can't accept or believe it, I am still waiting for him, I really don't know how I will go on without him.  that is why I can't accept it.  Because if I make it real, then what!!!!!
Well enough, I better stop now, or I won't sleep tonight.
Peace to all,
((((Hugs))))))
Karen
      
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 22, 2010, 08:02:44 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen and everyone,
21 May...
I wrote this last night and and was going to post but then put it in my draft folder...earlier this A.M. I was going to post but then it went back to the folder...I have been so down on myself and crying at almost anything...
Today was another day with nothing to look forward to except some mundane activities that seem to be commonplace for me...the depression is there as strong as ever...thoughts and images of my wife are occurring as frequent meteor showers...the crying persists at an epidemic rate...it is so very quiet in the house...no TV...nothing can be heard except me hitting the key board for the computer...
I went to the store for a few groceries, the art framers and a home center...I feel like such a social outcast in the open population...as if I did not belong...I have never noticed couples as much as I do now...at times I feel as if I am the only one who is not part of a couple...
Worked on refinishing the outdoor furniture again...then it started to rain a little and I had to stop...just sanding most of the rough spots on the top surfaces...still more to do...
My imagination has been taking over my mind with so many thoughts ( nothing good )...I am in such a daze...it is 70 days now and my mind has been taxed so much...I am not sure if I can or want to tolerate it much longer...the loneliness without my wife is horrible...people, this is not a life as things were meant to be...this is the supreme punishment to which we have all been subjected...again I type many words...in the end the result is the same...no change Leo...
I have faced many challenges in life and thought that I held my own most of the time but this situation has steamrollered over me many times over...it makes me so angry as to why my poor wife had to go through this horrible disease...I would have traded places with her in a flash and told her so several times...I am so lost without her...I love her so much...the days are slipping by me...and so many of the sad memories haunt me...


22 May
Slept well last night...the melatonin and red wine worked...still getting to bed after midnight, crying myself to sleep and so far the 6 hr or so is the amount I have been running on...worked outside for about 3 hours early this A.M...mostly on the furniture...the more that I do the bigger the job seems to get...then I came in and have been inside since...I may go outside after I post this...the emotional wave has been hitting me so hard...my senses feel deadened...the stupor, the sadness...I feel so very different...the thought of another 1, 2 or more months in my state of mind bothers me a lot...I guess that I should not look that far ahead...just fixate on today...right now...this hour...

I sent my mother-in-law 6 boxes of decafefinated teas...I just called her and she got them...she seems OK I guess but who knows...we can form an opinion based on some circumstances but we are not able to know the exact thought processes that are operating in another person...we react based on how we think it should be done...she is 86 and still lives by herself...she volunteers to help a teacher out with preschoolers at her church four days a week...mornings and afternoons...it is a 15 minute walk for her to get there..she told me that her older sister who is 93 is getting cranky....her sister is in her own home alone also...her other two sisters are now 90 and 91...boy, I was hoping that some of the hardiness would have "rubbed" off on my wife ( 59 ) and her sister ( 49 )...rest in peace dear ladies...I just turned my head and caught the digital photo frame ( I mounted it on the wall in my computer room ) flashing the pictures constantly...it is my wife...I get so very sad and tear up...I do not know what I am going to do without her...I miss her so much...I have to distract myself a little otherwise I keep going over the edge so many times and wear myself out...I am going outside for a while...
I just came in after spending an hour of pruning outside and now I am having a glass of red wine...I look at photos of my dear wife and I absolutely can not believe that she is gone...she was just here and now she is gone...people I am doing myself in...I feel like I am eroding from the inside out...the tears are wearing me down...there is absolutely no purpose in my existence...I am so sad tonight...

Jannie...so sorry that you had a bad night...I hope it goes better tonight...did you get your bench in place and your flowers planted...has your weather been OK? How did the memorial service go? Did you go to the bd party? So many questions Leo...Again I am so sad for your losses...

Here is a URL for the Corrtina/San Vito area ...it has a webcam...
http://www.dolomiti.org/dengl/

Here is another tourist info site:
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Tourism-g194902-San_Vito_Di_Cadore_Veneto-Vacations.html

Hope that today was OK for you...

Karen...it sounds as if you have been filled with tons of energy with all the work...I am happy for you that your support group worked out...maybe if you contact a hospice group in your area they can direct you to one for the summer...I hear what you are saying about the sadness, heavy heart and stress...the stress aspect is the killer in the crowd...it is devastating...most of the time we are not aware of the horrendous consequences...
I miss all the sweetness that my wife and I had...the hugs, the kisses, her scratching my head as we sat together...her saying "honey, I like being with you here"...everything that she was I loved...and now it is the past and streaking farther away from me...Karen I am so sorry for your loss...I have listed some URL's that may be of interest to you regarding locating a grief support group in your area:

http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup/

http://www.griefwatch.com/support_groups.htm

http://www.griefnet.org/support/sg2.html

I hope that it helps...

DonnaB...thinking of you and hope you are doing better...also your wrist...wishing you better days and some peace...

I am sorry for being so down al the time but that is the way I feel....I wish you all better days and some form of peace...what else is there for us all?

Buona notte ( good night )

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 22, 2010, 09:18:58 PM
Hi Leo Jannie, and all
   Thank you for all the websites, I would love to find more groups in the area, I will try Leo, I really need the support. I have a knot in my stomach, chest and neck right now, it is a bad night for me.  My son the kids were here today, but I notice when they leave I really crash, I don't get it, because I am tired and don't mind them leaving, but then I get very depressed,  what are we going to do. I feel really bad tonight, I think it is getting worse, I dreamt of Johnny last night, I dreamt that i opened the door, and he was standing there waiting for me with a big smile, a little younger, and then I woke up, I didn't want to wake up, he looked so good, why couldn't it be real.  I miss him so much today,, how could this get worse, I am afraid that I will have a nervous breakdown. 
   I couldn't fall asleep last night, even with my pill, so that was not good, thinking to much. How can we get through this,  I know that this stress is going to get me.  I can feel it inside, well then we will be together again.
   The energy I have is all nervous energy, I worked so hard at work yesterday that my boss told me to slow down, and I said that I couldn't, I did work for 4 people.  I am letting out some kind of nerves, i guess because even at home I am always in the yard or cleaning the house, but overdoing it. I know that this energy is from the stress.
    I hope I don't crash
    I hope everyone has a better day tomorrow
    Good Night
    (((hugs)))
   Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 04:28:05 AM
Hello Karen,
Sounds as if you are having very rough going...I am experiencing much of what you are going through...so many times I feel what difference would it make if I existed or did not...I am just one small speck in our galaxy...I do not know what to tell you except that I want to see you here...it would sadden me so much more if you were not and I do not want to experience any more grief than I have now...I feel that I have way too much to handle already...it is all so confusing...
I have the TV on and some man wants to set a new free fall jump record from around 120,000 feet...why do some people want to risk their life over such a feat? I know people think differently but what a precious thing to risk over such an action...here our loved ones were not doing anything risky and are gone...what a travesty to my way of thinking...

Here are some URL's for the regions of Italy where your roots originated...maybe you can take an imaginary trip...they are such beautiful places...I was to the little village ( about 600 people ) where my mother's parents came from in Calabria...it was so strange to think that about 100 years earlier my grandparents were there...this was their home...they walked these little, narrow streets...


http://www.discovertuscany.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuscany

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sicily

http://www.initaly.com/regions/sicily/sicily.htm

I can relate to what you say how you feel when you family leaves your house...when my friends came over the other night it seemed good to talk to them but then the reality of being alone jumps on me as soon as they leave... they have each other and I am all alone...the loneliness without my wife is horrible...

The red wine and melatonin helped me sleep well for a little over 5 hours which was good...again I cried myself to sleep...I am just exhausting myself so much...

Here is a YouTube video of a little girl whose exuberance is what we need to experience again...it is how I felt when my wife was here and now it has all been ripped out of me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

Hope that you do better today...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 08:18:35 AM
Hello Jannie,

We did not hear how your day went yesterday...I hope you are doing OK...I am in such sadness myself and I can imagine how you must feel...it was probably very trying at the memorial service...they just have such an adverse effect on me...I do not like to attend...
I just spent over 2 hours working on the outdoor furniture and in the garden...came in to eat something...now what else to do to try and occupy my meaningless time...
I too have such loneliness all of the time...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 23, 2010, 11:14:04 AM
Hi Leo, Karen, and all,

Yes, it was a difficult day yesterday.  I decided Friday night that I was not going to attend the birthday party yesterday afternoon.  It would have been very hard for me to go there and try to be social when my heart is breaking.  I called the hosts, and they were very understanding as was everyone else in the group.  Why not, if they can't be, who else can?  Most of them were going, but they are all further along in the grief process than I am.

Yesterday marked the 3-month anniversary of Charlie's death.  It seems like he has been gone forever, yet 3 months is such a short measure of time, really.  Just so hard to comprehend still.  My sleeping has been getting incredibly worse, and I am getting myself all worked up about having to go back to work this week and not being able to sleep.  I fall asleep watching TV, then wake up every two hours or so and cannot get back to sleep even with the melatonin (which is giving me bad dreams I might say).  Last night I dreamt that my neighbor ran me over with her van, and I was trapped underneath it in my garage.  I woke myself up from fear.  I do not want to get addicted to sleeping pills, so I am avoiding that route for now.  Pray for me that I get through the week.  After that I will be back to my normal schedule of 16 hours/week, and I can handle that.  I slept until 11:00 this morning and am still dragging myself around. 

The memorial service turned out to be something really beautiful.  It was in a 100-year old non-denominational chapel near the water in a tiny beach community about 15 miles from here.  I wasn't too familiar with the area, so I googled it Friday night for directions (I don't have or want a GPS in my car).  The chapel is about 15 miles from here, and the directions were terrible!  I left in plenty of time to get there and ended up being about 5 minutes late which was okay because other people were lost too, and they hadn't started the service yet.  I had to finally pull off the road and call for directions. 

There was a guitarist there who played the most beautiful music throughout the service.  Everyone there was crying (although I think I cried the most but could not see people who were sitting behind me).  Several hospice workers were there to help out with the service and do readings as well as our chaplain Anthony.  There were candles lit in all the little windows in the chapel.  They read off about 150 names of people who have died under hospice since Nov. 2009, and we were all given a chance to go up and put a ribbon on a special wreath.  The ribbon had the name of our loved ones on it.  It will be displayed in the hospice office where the support group is held, so we will get to see it when we go there for our meetings.  After the service, they served coffee and refreshments, and we all got a chance to talk a little.  I was glad I went despite the annoyance of getting lost.  There were some inspirational things spoken, and although it gave me a little peace for the moment, I still felt lost and alone when I came home. 

I fiddled around for a bit, then went over to see my good friends Sally and Paul whom I have known for 15 years.  They also live here, so they are just around the corner.  They moved here about 3 years before me, and you might say I followed them here.  Bill (my husband) and I met them when we moved into our townhouse in 1995.  Sally was there with me the night Bill died.  I will never forget that.  Anyways, that's a whole other story.  So I sat with them for about an hour, and we chatted.  I then came home, made some chicken stock from a rotissiere chicken that I was basically done with, had dinner, and cried the rest of the night until around 1:00 am when I finally put in the last disc of a series I was watching on WWII.  Needless to say, that kept me awake for about another 2 hours, and then I still had trouble falling asleep.  I am so wiped out today I can hardly focus on what I am typing right now. 

Leo, thanks for the links to San Vito.  I will definitely look at them later on.  You are so nice to provide us with these links.  I loved that YouTube video with the little girl--I just watched that before.  I was wondering something--you had said that you saved your post in your drafts folder.  Is there a way to do that on this website?  I have already typed a couple of really long posts only to lose them when I accidently opened another window without thinking.  Are you typing and saving it in another program, then copying it to here?

We all sound like we have been having a difficult couple of days.  It doesn't seem to get easier, but we are all still so new into this grief journey.  We can't expect to feel much better this soon, or so I have been told.  It's hard for me to remember how long it took for me to feel better when my husband died, but things were different then.  I had nearly two years to prepare myself for his death, and I was 12 years younger and more resilient, I guess you might say.  I also went back to my full-time job only a week after he died, so I was forced to snap back faster.  I had a job in the world of finance, so I had to be sharp (not like now, when my brain feels like it has been fried most of the time!). 

When my dad died in 2002, that's when death really hit me hard.  He had Alzheimer's for about 8 years, and I was very close to him.  I took care of him after my job was downsized in 1999, and he was my buddy.  I was with him also when he took his last breath.  I stayed with him in the nursing home for two weeks when he was near the end and went home only to sleep.  After his death, I did some really dumb things because I wasn't thinking clearly.  The worst of them was buying a condo in Florida.  I thought I would sell my townhouse here (I was never happy there after my husband died) and move to Florida permanently.  Well, I spent a summer there (after my friends suggested I do so), and was so unhappy there because of the heat and the fact that I knew no one, that I came home and put it on the market the next day.  While I was there, my cat who was only 4 1/2 years old developed kidney problems, and I had to have him put to sleep, so that was another blow.  It took me a year to sell the condo, and I lost a lot of money, but I was so happy that I did not sell my home here.  So that is what comes with making rash decisions when you are in the throes of grief. 

Karen, I feel your pain.  Charlie was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma IV (deadly brain tumor) on January 29th and died only 3 weeks later.  About 10 days after he was diagnosed, his mind was lost to us.  He could not function or speak or walk or even feed himself any more.  So I know the shock of losing someone so fast.  I didn't even get the time to tell him all that I wanted to, although I spoke to him even when he could not respond any more.

I'm sure it must be so hard for you to have your family come and then go only to leave you alone again.  I live alone with no family, so I am alone all the time.  I know it is hard to see them leave, but you are very fortunate to have them in your life, especially now.  Cherish them.  Try and slow down a little and be a little kinder to yourself.  You are driving yourself too hard right now, and it will catch up with you sooner or later if it hasn't already.

It is a another gloomy day here today (damp and cool).  I just walked to the kitchen for some more coffee and noticed that I still have sympathy cards out on my dining room server.  I need to get some dusting done later--I wonder if it's time to take them down. 

I haven't made my bed yet because I was going to strip it and wash the sheets.  Right now it's looking pretty good the way it is.  I am thinking maybe I should just get back in there and try to have a little nap.  I probably won't, but it is an appealing idea right now!

I have no magic words for any of us.  We are all going through our own private hell, yet we all share the same common bond of pain and loss.  It feels good to come here and write and know that I am not alone in this hell.  I think it is important that right now we just take it one hour, one day at a time, and not try to look too far into the future.  It's too scary a place to go right now without our loved ones.

Well, my friends, my eyes are out of focus right now from crying and lack of sleep, so I will stop now.  Hoping you all have a good afternoon and praying for better days ahead for all of us.  Let us all try and find whatever peace we can from whatever source we can.


Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 11:57:39 AM
Hello Jannie,

Happy to hear from you...It is sad but understandable at the grief and torment that you are going through...that we are all going through...just as you said...one hour at a time...it seems that yesterday was not only busy but very trying on you...I know that I can't change my situation and I can't accept it...so I too cry much of the time...the very thought that this is it is devastating me...I still do not want to be with people...it was difficult for me to call my neighbors the other night but they have been so nice and understanding...I felt that I should...
What I do regarding my postings is write them in my email account online...have a separate folder for drafts...work on them when I can and when it is completed I copy it, log in and paste it in the appropriate section online...that way I do not have to stay logged in too long...sometimes I will write two or 3 posts over time, save them if I have not completed them and then post all at once when I am ready...

Try to take care of yourself...your next week could tax you I would imagine...I do not know what to tell you regarding sleep...the melatonin ( ~ 8-10 mg ) and the wine have worked for me...I sleep about 5-6 hours without waking up...I do not nap at all...I have never been able to fall asleep during the afternoon...for so many nights I start crying right after I say goodnight to my wife when I get in bed...the crying is exhausting also...

Wishing you well and hope for something better in your life...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 23, 2010, 04:11:49 PM
Leo,

Thanks for the info about the drafts folder.  I figured that was what you were doing. 

I didn't go back to bed but spent the afternoon cleaning and doing laundry.  I just have to wash the bathroom floors yet, and I am done.  I have been crying on and off all afternoon. 

My first cousin's wife just called to invite me to their shore house next Sunday (Memorial Day weekend).  I didn't feel like talking, so I let it go to voicemail.  I really don't feel like fighting that traffic next weekend although it is less than an hour from me.  I am not that enamored by the beach any more.  I hate the sand and lugging all that stuff to sit on the beach for a few hours.  I live about 10 miles from the ocean here, but I rarely go to the beach any more.  Our pool here in our community will be opening next weekend.  I have always loved it, but now it will be so hard to go there without Charlie, and most of the people there that we hung out with, although friends, are all couples.  To not sit with them would be rude, so I don't know what I will do.  The pool is usually very chilly Memorial Day weekend anyway, so I have time to think about that.  My widowed friend Judy goes to the pool a lot also, but she usually reads or sits with an earpiece in her ear listening to the Yankees (big fan).  The pool was one of the major factors in my decision to move here, and now that will be difficult for me as well.  Why is this life so unfair and cruel?  What did we do to be punished like this?  There are such bad people out there who never suffer a day in their lives. I have known some of them in my life.

I was just reading about a former LA Dodgers pitcher who died this weekend at age 37 from a heart attack.  How terrible for his wife and his family.  There is so much pain in this world.

Well, I need to finish cleaning, then eat, then who knows.  I will definitely look at those links you sent later on.  Hope I sleep better tonight.  Wine does not help me, only serves to act as a stimulant to keep me awake.  Yet, I still drink it!

Sleep well, and may tomorrow be a better day for all of us.  One hour, one day at a time.

Good night,
Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 23, 2010, 08:21:06 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,

After working out side this morning the rest of the day has been the most desolate and despondent time period I have ever experienced...the sadness has simply been overwhelming me...I was standing at the kitchen sink earlier thinking about my wife when I felt so strange and had goose bumps break out all over my arms...it was like a chill in a way...I don't know where I am...
I have been searching my mind on what I should do...I read here that some people are still so sad and despondent at 1,2 years or more...that makes me feel even worse...I just want to scream...I have to figure out what to do with myself soon because I can't stand this existence...I guess if I keep writing there is less of an issue...it is when I stop that I think I have a major problem...I am thinking of all alternatives...I am not happy with myself...
I turned the digital photo frames off for a while...the constant photos were getting to me...maybe they were contributing to making me so sad...I love seeing her face...I am so torn...I want to be with her...this is so rotten...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 23, 2010, 08:51:18 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone,
         I had a friend come over today, and we went out to eat a late lunch, then I came home and she left, silence, I took the dogs out, came back in and got a little crazy, went into the spare room where we store a lot of stuff, and started cleaning it out, well, I can't even tell you I threw out everything, and it made me feel good, I just kept going through things and throwing out, nothing belonged to Johnny, it was just house stuff. I felt good after I finished for a little while then my younger son called and I got all upset, and upset him I was sorry I did it but I couldn't help it.  I told him that I wanted to be with his father, wrong thing to say to him. I really do want to be with him, but I don't want to do anything stupid, but who knows what will happen. 
        Well I am in bed now and hoping to sleep, today was pretty bad, I cried alot and felt really alone, not good, I hope you guys are O K, I feel like I am getting worse.
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: jaxsaint on May 24, 2010, 02:39:48 PM
When I read about grief the amount of time it takes to heal scares me.  I can barely get through the day, how am I going to get through the next 10 years of my life?  My friends and family have been very supportive, but sometimes I just can't talk to them.  What do I say?  They ask, "how are you?"  I'm miserable, the answer is the same everyday.  "What do I want to do?"  That's another of my favorites. . .I want to go with him!  They don't seem to like that answer.  When Joe was here I used to clean when I was upset.  He used to think it was crazy that it would take me 4 hours to clean a two bedroom apartment.  Now I just don't care.  The first month I kept cleaning, like if I made the house spotless he would come home.  When I finished I would sit and cry because he still wasn't coming home.  I wanted our home to be nice for him.  It was one thing I could do that he wouldn't have to think about.
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 24, 2010, 09:55:18 PM
Hi leo, Jannie, and everyone,
        Hope you are OK leo, haven't posted today, I was busy doing nothing today, just hanging out in the house all day, then tonight I pushed myself out to a bereavement group, it was OK, I will give it another few trys, I don';t know what it will do for me, but I have to try everything,  It does scare me to, the thought of feeling like this for years, I can't imagine that our bodies will be able to stand the stress.  Well I am hoping to sleep tonight, I am pretty weak today from my explosion last night of all that energy I used to throw everything out in that room, so now I will go, hope everyone is well
Take care
((Hugs))
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on May 25, 2010, 06:32:49 AM
hi  when reading your letter I have trouble sleeping alot lately only about 2 hours at a time.  I just lay there and ask God to help be get back t sleep because I am so tired.  Thank your for your suggestions.  I'll try it tonight.  Susan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 25, 2010, 11:28:24 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,

Yesterday was horrible for me with all the sadness and pain...especially late in the evening and as the midnight hour approached...crying so much my throat feels raspy...I did sleep for almost 7 straight hours which is the most that I have had in months...my mind keeps searching for the few different alternatives that I have regarding my life...nothing is very appealing to me...at times I am not sure that I wish to continue ...I know that my wife would be grief stricken to know of my thoughts but I sometimes do not know what is the sense for continuing...it is 73 days that I am alone...I seem to feel worse by the day...I never imagined that any part of life could be so bad...I do try but I feel that each day I am losing ground...

I took our car in for a couple of recall issues and was at the dealership for over two hours and worked in the garden for over two hours...got ot bed at 11:20 P.M. which was early for me ...I think that I slept well...woke up once but fell back to sleep...the crying and sadness are relentless and it is taking a toll on me physically and mentally...my melt downs are a way of life and not a very appealing one at that...started to tear up a few times at the dealership but had my hat low and sun glasses on...



25 May...

Did not post last night...felt too worn out...worked outside a little bit this A.M...feel very worn out now...I have been doing a lot of driving around the last several weeks...when I drive to the framers and do some errands in that area it is about 30+ miles round trip...it is not that far but with several stops it can take around 2-3 hours...I am doing it at least 4x/week...then I get home and spend a few hours outside...I am feeling it now...

I am sure that today will be a repetition of yesterday...pain, sadness and nothing to look forward to changing in my life...still staying away from friends...can't open up to a single person...when I focus on my wife never being here again it jolts me something terribly...even now I have to try and divert my mind some because it is too much to bear...it seems as if she was just here and now gone...I can not accept that...I am so frustrated...

Someone saw me out side this  morning who said I was looking good...I do not know how I can project that image when I feel so absolutely rotten, sad and filled with so much pain inside me...similar comments have occurred in the past and maybe they just do not know what to say and feel that maybe it will make me feel better to hear something positive...I do not know about anything anymore...

I keep trying to drive myself but this morose condition is weighing on me so much...I do not know how to handle it...I sit here in a trance sometimes with a blank stare...I have been trying not to cry as much to the extent that I am able to control it...I try  and shift away from the thought momentarily if I can...I get so fatigued...I know that it is not good for me to continue on that path...but.......

I have to go out now and do some errands...then come back to my shell...maybe start staining the outdoor furniture...

Hope that you all are finding something a little better...again I am so very sorry for the sadness and pain that you all are experiencing...



Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 25, 2010, 12:42:23 PM
leo,

i know the pain you are bearing--it is so deep inside of us and no one really understands what we are going through except us--it hurts so much--our loved ones are here and gone in a minute--i know the loneliness you are feeling--i have it too--no one really talks to me anymore unless they have something mean to say or else that is the i precieve it--i am so sorry for the loss of your wife

to young to be a widow
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 25, 2010, 03:19:31 PM
Hello to young to be a widow,

Thank you for your kind words...I just returned home from doing some errands...still numb after 74 days of being without my darling wife...and getting worse in my opinion...as I was driving home I thought maybe I was posting too much...reading too much and becoming more aware of my pain as well as reading about everyone's pain...I thought maybe that is not good to be exposing myself to all the hurt...maybe I should not post or read for a few weeks...I have no one to grieve to and I am by myself...maybe it is worse to keep all inside me...of the friends that I have spoken to weeks ago only two of the men seemed understanding and most of the women do...although there have been some women that look at me as do the men, when I break down and cry, do not say anything and have an emotionless facial expression...no one really understands...

We can rebound normally from so many aspects of life and get back on track with our normal routines but this is permanent...we are all "starting " new lives if we can call it that...in way it is worse that death because we are haunted and in pain every single day of  our lives...people say to me, you had almost 33 wonderful years...focus on those...that they were wonderful makes it even worse...if they were really bad maybe I would not lament as much...I don't know...it still seems surreal to me...when I get home and come in the door I still call out my usual words to her...but it is silent...I go to her computer room and her chair is empty...I cry so hard..what is the use...what is the use...life is not good anymore...
I am so sorry for the pain and sadness that you are going through with the loss of your husband...what do we do? it is all so frustrating...I hope that at sometime you have some better days...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 25, 2010, 04:01:19 PM
Hi Leo Jannie, and everyone,
     Leo it is good for you to post, we are all here for you, as you are here for us, yesterday was a weird day for me, I stood on the couch all day, then at night I went to a new bereavement group, which was OK, I have to give it a chance, I will go back a few times and see how I feel.
      I have overcome a very big hurdle for me today, I got in the car and drove to the places I needed to go, I haven't driven in years, Johnny always drove, but i did it, I am so proud of myself, this is a big thing for me, to not have to depend on everyone to take me everywhere I have to go,  I still have to practice and try the highway, but I am determinded. I got in the car and brought Johnny's hat with me and laid in the seat next to me and said ok, you have to help me, and I know that he did. I did a good job, I was proud of myself, and i feel a little better, knowing that I can do that.
      I am home now and ate supper myself, (so sad), now I will go and lay down and watch some TV, I write to Johnny every night wait until he hears about this driving, he will be so proud, even though I know that he was with me in the car, I still have to write to him. 
       It is going to be 90 degrees here tomorrow, I am almost glad that I am working, it will be cool in the store, Leo don't give up on us, you have a way with words, and you make me feel better.
Take Care of yourself
(((HUGS)))
 Karen
       
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 25, 2010, 06:36:05 PM
Hello to Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,
Karen,
Thank you for your kind words...I'll try for a while longer...although it would not make any difference if I was here or not...I am not liking myself these days...
Congratulations on your driving...that is really good for you to tackle that on your own...you have reason to be happy about doing it...
I, too, eat dinner by myself...sometimes I call out to my wife and ask where she wants to eat and I call her when it is ready...I have to stop doing that to myself as it makes me so sad and I start to cry...I have this sedate feeling all the time...I know that I must project such negativity when I am out in the store...people probably wonder what is wrong with me...if they only knew...
I am glad that your bereavement group is OK...I would think being at work would help divert your mind a little...not having the constant rush of sadness coming at you all the time...do you work everyday?

 Jannie,

Hope that you are OK as we did not hear from you last night... isn't this the week that you were going to be working? How are you doing? Are you sleeping any better? Just what you need ...a full week of work...but it might be helpful to interact with people on some basis...I hope so...I guess when we have so much sadness and pain our bodies don't just shut down at night for sleep...these issues keep recycling within us...there is no let up...I know that it is not easy but we are torturing ourselves so much and I ask myself if I do it for 3 months or 6 or 10 will things be better...my answer is no...it will be at least as bad or probably worse...we are doing ourselves in and I understand well that much of the time it is beyond our control...
I know how you feel about Memorial Day and the other couples...no one is even approaching me via any kind of communications...after doing my errands I worked outside for just an hour tonight...
I am staying by myself still...try to go to the grocery store at odd hours for fear that I will run into someone I know and have a breakdown in the store...
did you get your bench in place?

DonnaB.
How is your wrist doing? Hope that there is some improvement and less pain ...is it your writing hand? Are your days a little better otherwise? I keep thinking about you and your terrible losses and you have my deepest sympathy...maybe someday there will be a smile as you mentioned in your recent post although I feel as if my whole face must have been botoxed...I used to be the person that could make anyone laugh a lot...I do not have any laughs or smiles left in me...if any semblance of one ever comes out it is fake and not the genuine ones of old...
Wishing for better days of any kind for all of us here...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: jaxsaint on May 25, 2010, 08:13:09 PM
Leo,

I read your words and I feel my own pain.  While my situation is very different I read your words and feel like it's my heart.  I didn't have much time with my husband and often wish I had the 33 years you did.  Yet I can only begin to imagine the void you must feel.  When you become half of a married couple things change.  It isn't just you anymore, it's "us."  Now we're without the other half of "us."  It's like being half dead and slow torture fills the rest of the day.  One thing I know is that I felt complete, now I feel like some tragic Shakespearan character.  My friends and family have been good, but as much as they try they just don't understand.  Here I feel that I am not alone.  You aren't alone either, so it doesn't matter how much you post.  As John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you through the night."
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 26, 2010, 06:54:51 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB., Jackie, jaxsaint and everyone,

Today...here I am again...pondering where we all are...still in tremendous turmoil, still in pain and trying to move forward...why? I really do not know...I guess survival is part of human nature...we have to try...

I went on some errands...nice sunny, warm day with a breeze...came home to my empty house and said my usual words to my wife...again there was silence...I call out "why are you not answering me, you always do? " alas the silencing is still there...I go to her computer room thinking I will see her sitting in her chair...empty...Leo, what is wrong with you...don't you get it...she is never coming back...maybe tomorrow will be different...I will try again...

I then decided to go outside and work on the outdoor furniture...I started finishing and staining the 6 armchairs...it took over 3 hours but they look very nice...I have the table, two love seats and two coffee tables to go...the dinner table is sanded but the rest of them are not...why am I doing it...do not know...just biding my time...whether they get done or not really makes no difference...they are just material things...the only person that matters is my wife and she has left this world...the crying has been so widespread today...in the car...in the garden...in the house...any where...any time...it is dark and 9:15P.M....most of my friends are with their loved ones and I sit here alone...I am having a glass of Italian red wine...last night I slept fo 6 hours without wine but I did take the melatonin...I do not know if I am experiencing normal sleep patterns...

Jannie...work must be taking a toll on you for your silence has been evident...we miss not hearing from you and hope that you are OK...
Karen...
Did you take the wheel again today?...do you have to drive in much traffic? I hope that your work day went well...I finished my dinner alone...again...I really miss my wife...this is such a strange, demented way of existing and I do not care for it one bit...I feel like I am in a quicksand of sadness and can't escape ever...I guess we keep coming here and venting and venting until we are able to live with it in some way...I am not sure that I will wait that long...I do hope that  your day was OK...for me if a day is OK that is the most that I can expect...I am on my second glass of my wine...

I  was thinking while I was staining the furniture outside on what is life: I think it is simply a game of chance....you play and play...some of us win and the prize is a euphoric relationship that is beyond what you ever expected...you keep playing and playing and............you lose.....the cards...the wheel...whatever say that you may not continue...that is it... you lose your life and you now go to the losers circle...you are forever branded with this travesty...this unfairness...this injustice...no matter the dealer has no feelings one way or another...

 DonnaB....I hope there is some improvement in the wrist and your outlook on life...a little...it is so difficult with all the pain and sadness to move ahead much...
Again I am sorry everyone for this gloominess...they are words and all are hollow...I do not wish to offend anyone...I will stop here...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 26, 2010, 07:41:20 PM
Hi all,

Yes, Leo, work is taking a toll on me especially since I have not been sleeping well.  I am so beat tonight.  I forgot what a back-breaking job this was (a lot of physical labor involved--moving things, setting up, breaking down), not to mention standing on my feet for 7 1/2 hours.  I have to interact with the public all day, and it was good to be doing that and to be able to focus on something other than myself. It was good to see all the folks I used to work with at the other store, but in the end, I get in my car and go home to an empty house.  Yesterday (my first day back), I broke down in the car before I even started the ignition.  I was supposed to go to the last meeting of the support group tonight, but I could not get myself there.  It would have meant too much rushing around to get there and going without dinner, so I opted to skip it.  I would have liked to go, but I am just too tired.  It was a 90+ degree day here today, and I wanted to get home to water my flowers and my grass as well.

Leo, I feel your pain as always and have no words for you except that we all want you to hang in there with us.  You are not alone--we are all here going through the same pain of never seeing our loved ones again.  It is too much to even comprehend at times.  The pain, lonliness, and emptiness fill every minute of every day, and there seems to be no respite.  I think we are all handling things differently.  I know you want to do this all on your own, but I think it in the long run it is not helping you.  We all want to isolate from society, but unless we want to do away with ourselves (not even a thought for me), we have to force ourselves back into the world of the "living" sooner or later.  I am certain your dear wife would want you to do that!

Last night I watched Dancing With the Stars finale for 3 hours--it is my very favorite show on TV and has been the only bright light in my otherwise sad and dull life for the past 10 weeks.  I will miss it now that it is finished.  If it wasn't for TV and my Netflix, I think I would go crazy being here alone all the time.  It's a diversion that I welcome from the constant bombardment of feelings and emotions.

Karen, from your weather forecasts, it sounds like you probably live in the northeast as well.  It was a really hot day here too, and I was glad to be out of it as well.  Too much too soon!  Hope you are doing okay.  Bravo to you and your driving!  Be careful out there on the road--people are nuts!  I agree with you about eating alone--SO hard to get used to--I hate it!  Dinner was always something special--we both enjoyed cooking, eating, and having a little wine every evening.

I will try to post more tomorrow night--am just wiped out tonight and hoping that I can sleep.  This morning I was awakened very early by the sound of lawn mowers.

Sending peace and strength to all of you and a wish for brighter days and a little less pain as each day passes.


Jannie





Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 26, 2010, 08:10:16 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone,
I didn't get to drive again today, I had to work, I don't get home until 7, by the time i feed the dogs and walk them it is already almost 8, then i have to eat, and the night is almost over, which is good, bedtime, my favorite time.
Leo, I love my husband more then anything in the world, he was my life, i miss him so much, but I know that he is besides me, I feel him with me, I always tell him that he can't go without me, he has to stay with me until it is my time and then we will go together, were ever we are going. so I know that he will wait for me. I miss him so much, but until we are together again there is nothing that I can do.  I was with my mother then i was with johnny from 16 until now, I don't know what it is to be alone, it is very strange to me.  I hope that i will be able to cope with it. Well I better get to bed, I have work tomorrow, take care everyone, Jannie work is hard, i stand all day at work to, I do stock and ticketing and alarming and cashiering, it is not easy, on your feet all day, I work from 12 to 7, long day of standing. I do know that it distracts me for a little while, so that is good, but I come home really tired, take it easy, try to sit when you can, and our air conditioner was out at work today it was 93 in the store, could you imagine, I would of been better off at home, I thought I would be nice and comfortable at work, oh well, I live in Brooklyn, ny
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 26, 2010, 08:27:47 PM
Hello Jannie and Karen,

Good to hear from you both...it sounds as if you are both working very hard and have very long days...it must be somewhat of a distraction for you and that may be beneficial in the long run...
Karen...at least it is good that you have your dogs...you have some life around you...are they old...young...big...small...dogs are a lot of work...we used to have four very large dogs...some of my friends think that I should get a dog but I do not want to make any decisions in my current state of mind...
wishing all a good night and some rest...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 05:58:50 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,

 I slept for almost 6 hours straight...still cry myself to sleep...and cry as soon as I arise...at night it happens as soon as I sit down on the bed...such a feeling of sadness comes over me...had some wine again and took my melatonin...seems to  be working for me...will go outside shortly to continue the refinishing of the furniture before the sun gets to that area...hope that you all had peaceful nights...what more is there to say...my head still has had that numb feeling since my wife left...I try not to focus too long on the many images of the past 3-4 months because it sends me spiraling down and then it takes so long to come out...everything is still so very fresh...wishing you all as good a day as possible considering the wretched circumstances...

Leo

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 03:02:57 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB., Jackie, jaxsaint and everyone...

I kept very busy today working outside for over 5 hours in two stages...it was warm but I almost completed refinishing the furniture...I have one love seat to go...still so much sadness but this distracted me a little...I wonder why I am doing it all...she is not here to enjoy it with me...still crying...I miss her so much...I do not think it does much good to vent...it is like throwing yourself into a brick wall...after a while you start to get too exhausted and realize that it is not going to get you any where...there were quite a few people going by the house today and I went to the other side to do some weeding each time...I know that I will break down each time...so I still avoid them...
 I set up an account online and posted a few photos that I took from  a few areas of my dear wife's garden...if anyone wants to look they are there...her work brought 100's of people here some happiness...I hope that you enjoy them...she is there by my side but she was so much better at it when she was here than I am...I miss her so much...am crying a lot right now...you will have to play around a bit to get the larger views...if you try to go there please let me know if it works...


Leo

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 27, 2010, 04:14:07 PM
Hi Leo and Karen,,

Leo, I just got home from work about a half an hour ago and signed on.  Looked at the photos of your garden--they are truly spectacular.  Those pictures belong in a magazine!  I can see why you work so hard to keep your wife's garden going.  I'm sure she is very happy that you are keeping up with it.  It is really something special.  The colors are just gorgeous.  The fountain reminds me of the fountain in Forsyth Park in Savannah if you ever visited there.  I hope you live in a climate where you can enjoy those beautiful flowers for a long time, not like here where the growing season is so short.  

It's good that you have been doing that refinishing project.  It keeps your mind of your grief to do other things for a while, and someday you will appreciate the work you are doing--I promise you that.  About a year or so after my husband died, I suddenly took such pride in our new home (it was new construction).  We never had a chance to do much around the house since he got sick shortly after we moved in.  I went all out-- repainted, wallpapered, and redecorated.  I ended up loving my home so much that I was reluctant to sell it several years later.  I sold it only because I needed a change and wanted to downsize.

It was a better day today--I got a fairly decent night's sleep last night--I am glad I went back to work.  It is good to be with people and think about something other than myself.  I have told a few people there that I knew pretty well what happened, and they have been very kind.

Charlie's daughter is coming this weekend to close on the house.  I don't know what her plans are, but I am hoping to get to see her.  It will be hard since we were together at her home in Florida where Charlie died.  She is Charlie's only child.

Karen, I work at Costco for an outside vendor demonstrating seafood products.  I work independently all day with no one looking over my shoulder, so that is a good thing, but it is still back-breaking work.  I will be glad after tomorrow when my week is done.  Next week I go back to my regular schedule of only 13-15 hrs/week.  I live in NJ at the Jersey shore near Toms River.  I can't even imagine what yesterday was like for you with no AC at work!  Thank goodness it is cooling down again.

Leo, let's try not to project too far into the future with our thoughts--it's too hard.  We just need to focus on getting through each day right now until it hopefully gets a little easier for all of us.

Wishing everyone peace, comfort, pleasant dreams, and a better tomorrow.

Jannie

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 05:42:55 PM
Hello Jannie,
 Thank you so much for your compliments about the photos of the flowers ...it was very kind of you...I am happy that you enjoyed them...it is good to know that the link I included is working...I did test it twice before and once after I posted but you never know...the garden maintenance will keep me very busy...the weeds are a continuous effort...then the pruning and fertilizing are on the list also...
It sounds as if work is going well for you and with the understanding people...good...and you got some decent sleep time...another good...you have been through so much in the last 12 years...I am sorry that you had to endure everything...the house sounds as if it was a major involvement...
I did not realize that I had projected anything into the future...I try not to do that because of the futility of it all...was it in a recent post?
I was outside for a little while just now...tiding up a few things and watering a little...tomorrow I will finish the last piece of furniture, go to the store and mow the lawn...I have to do some painting in one of the rooms soon...the maintenance is always there...
I am going to have some wine...wishing everyone well this evening and hopes for another night of peaceful sleep...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 27, 2010, 06:26:34 PM
Hi again Leo,

I just looked at your photos again.  What beautiful flowers--you and your wife must have worked so hard to get it to be so beautiful.  I'm sure the maintenance is hard work for you, but you seem to enjoy it, and it is therapeutic to work in the dirt, they say.  Life renewing itself.

What I meant about projecting into the future were your comments on other posts about looking a few years out and still feeling the way you are feeling now.  We never forget them--they are always in our hearts--but time does soften the acute grief we feel right now.  We somehow find the strength to go on and find our way without our loved ones.  I know--I have lost everyone in my life, and I am still here, and I will survive this too eventually.  I have to believe that I am still here for a reason, whatever that is.

My neighbor across the street from me just returned from a 3-week vacation out west with her husband.  They are both in poor physical shape, and their last wish was to do this trip.  I was glad they were able to do it.  I talked to her outside for a few minutes tonight, then came in and had a meltdown after I ate dinner.  I have been good about the crying this week with work to keep me busy, but everything hit me again tonight.  I feel a little better now, and I hope I can get some rest tonight.  It will be a difficult weekend with people all around having barbecues and family gatherings, but I guess I have to get used to that again.  I'm not sure I will go to the pool opening this weekend even if it is nice weather.  Not sure I can handle that yet.

Hope you have a good night, Leo, and all others who may read this.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 27, 2010, 07:19:17 PM
Hello Jannie,
Not to belabor it but if you read my post to Terri, that I copied below, I was commending her on her two year period...

I try not to indicate what a person should or should not do...what doesn't work for me might for you or the reverse may hold true...some people may be different...I know of someone who did not recover after 6 months of losing his wife...my former neighbor related his sad story to me...still I am not going to try and judge anyone...I can not be in that persons mind when his physiological processes lead him to make a decision...rational or irrational as someone may judge it...I know also of another friend personally who did not "leave" but was totally devastated after 6 or 7 years, after losing his wife, the last I heard...I am not going to judge him and say that he did not get the right help or that he is wrong although the mainstream of people will do it routinely... it is not for me to judge another...I may have an opinion but who is to say who is right or wrong...I do not want to judge...
Sleep well and I hope that you have another good day at work...

Leo

Hello Terri,
Thank you so much for sharing with us...it is very kind of you...I am so sorry for the loss of your husband...it seems that we have all been facing such difficult times...
You sound as if you have progressed a long way in two years and it seems as if the permanent temp position is to your liking...I wish you the best in the position and in life...I too know now that I will never recover or heal from the beautiful relationship that I had with such a wonderful, kind, beautiful and loving woman...we did so very well together...I never imagined that life could be so cruel...but it is a fact...I had almost 33 years that were beyond whatever I could have expected and for that I am forever grateful...
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 27, 2010, 09:49:40 PM
Hi Leo and Jannie and all
    I am very happy to hear that everyone is getting a little more sleep, that is so important to our physical and mental health.  I know that when I don't sleep I am not good for anything.
    Leo, I have 2 dogs, a boston terrier that is 13, she was Johns baby, and a french bulldog, he is 3 and  a character.We have always had dogs, we love animals. You should think about possible getting a pet, I know that it is work, but at least there is life in the house, and something to take care of.
 The pictures of your wife's garden are absolutely beautiful, she is so happy that you are keeping it up for her. It has to be a lot of work, no wonder you are always gardening.
     Jannie, Johnny and I used to love Costco, we had fun in there, shopping and tasting everything. oh well my costco days are probably over, since he was the eater. I stand all day, I am in  a clothing store and  the standing is getting harder and harder 7 hrs, is a long time to stand, 45 minute lunch so that is when i get to sit.  I wanted to retire before Johnny got sick, it is a good thing that I didn't, what would I do  now?  At least it is a distraction like you say, dealing with the public at least for a little while.
     I did have an anxiety attack at work this afternoon, out of no where, I think things build up inside of me and then I get anxiety.  Who knows
     Leo and Jannie, I do know how but I feel Johnny by me all the time, I write to him every night in a journal, and I asked him to stay earthbound and beside me until it is my time so that we can go where we have to go together, since I asked him that I feel him with me, I kind of feel a little peace like he is there. very strange, but good.
      By the way anyone know what to do about a possum, I have a little one wandering around my yard at night, and my French Bulldog, Charlie, is after it, I don"t want him to get bit, anyone have any ideas?  We never had possums or raccoons around here, I don't know where the possums are coming from.
Well I better get to bed, work tomorrow,
Hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow
Good Night
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 05:17:56 AM
Hello Karen,

 I am glad you like the flowers...my dear wife was a flower among flowers when she was in the garden...I can see her now...it brings tears to my eyes...she once told me that she was about 7 years old when her mom helped her start her first garden...she has been at it ever since with a passion...I am trying to do what I can and ask for her advice when I am working in her garden...sometimes I am  not sure if I am doing the right thing...it has been 77 days and the days continue to slip by as my wonderful life has become history and is becoming more distant...I long to be with her again...the injustice of it all...losing all of these wonderful people...
It sounds as if work is going well for you except for the anxiety...I am sorry that you had to experience that...hopefully in time those will become less and gone altogether...standing is very difficult for those hours as a fair amount of pressure is exerted on the base of the spine...I have felt a little tension in my lower back the last few days after moving and lifting the outdoor furniture...the pieces are heavy...I just have one love seat more and I will try and finish up today...I slept well again last night...I am getting about 6 hours and it seems to be helping me...
It sounds as if you do enjoy the dogs very much...that is good...a few of my friends have asked me if I would like to get a dog...we had four large dogs...I did everything for them...gave them all their vaccine injections...they were such good dogs...I know well the work involved but right now I am not sure what I am going to do...it would be difficult if I want to go away...I am just in a holding pattern for now...
Here are two sites regarding possums...not sure if the things work...hope that they help...

http://www.critter-repellent.com/possum/how-to-get-rid-of-possums.php?source=GoogleAW&gclid=CMfh0t7l9KECFQK1sgodvXZ7EA

http://www.getridofthings.com/get-rid-of-opossum.htm

Wish you all a good day and some peace...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Donna B. on May 28, 2010, 06:34:35 AM
Hi Leo, yes doing better with the wrist(no surgery). This time of the year it is very hard for me to have a good outlook on life, but I am trying my best. The 31st of May would have been Jerry's birthday. Than June is really bad. It will be 3 yrs on the 12th since he died. I can not believe it. On the 24th of June my daughter died. A yr. where does the time go seems like sometimes I am in a fog. And the images in my mind of their last days are almost like it was yesterday. I feel like going out in the yard and screaming, but I keep on keeping on.

Hope your days get better as well as everyone else on here. A great bunch of people. Just wish we weren't here because of all our heatache.

Donna
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 07:07:15 AM
Hi DonnaB.,
It is good to hear from you and that your wrist is doing OK...I can sympathize with you on your sadness...especially at this time of year when such devastation was showered on you...I am still  beside myself...I know that the venting does no good but maybe it will help me after a while...I am not expecting anyone to try and find a solution for me or tell me what to do...we are all unique and have to find our own way wherever that might lead us...I would guess we all do things in a different manner...I have included a link where I posted some photos of some of the flowers in my wife's garden...it was in an earlier post but I will include it in my next several posts and add to it occasionally when new flowers are coming up...
Wishing you strength through this difficult time period for you...

Leo

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 09:40:44 AM
Hello Donna,

Thank you so much for your response and kind compliments...also thank you so much again for sharing such a wonderful memory site that is up for your daughter...such a beautiful woman and so young...not that any age is good when you pass away...I too am sorry that you are enduring such pain and sadness...I feel so helpless and wish I could do something to lessen the pain for all here...all we can do is go from hour to hour...from day to day and see what happens...the extreme sadness and crying hang over me like a dark veil that I can't get off...

wishing you some peace of mind...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on May 28, 2010, 10:12:10 AM
Leo, thank you so much for your kind words.  I enjoyed looking at your pictures of your BEAUTIFUL garden.  now I understand why you spend so much time with them.  I am sure your wife was as beautiful as your garden  I know the way you talk you took care of each other as you also take care of the garden now. Enjoy them.   Leo have a good day Susan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 03:58:04 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB., and everyone,
         
Well here I sit alone and in the silence of my home on the eve of a Memorial Day week end...it used to be a time of preparation for getting together with friends and outings...but most important was being together with my true love...how that has changed in the blink of an eye...for good...I really do not wish nor have I any inclination to socialize at this time...it was being with my wife that was important to me...people have their own lives and I do not blame them for savoring the happy moments...they should...I can't blame them...except for this site who wants to listen to my grieving...

I checked my voice mail for today and my Italian friends in Verona, Italy ( about 75 miles due west of Venice ) called twice and left messages...they are one of the families that want me to go stay with them for a while...I just did not feel up to calling them this afternoon...I felt very, very sad and down...maybe I will call them tomorrow...they are extremely nice people...part of avoiding people is that I know I break down so very easily and I find it so exhausting...sometimes the words get "stuck" in my throat and I am in the middle of a sentence...I know that at some point in time I have to do something but not right now...
I keep a TV on occasionally just hear the activity...usually a TV in the other room...we never watched TV much in the past...occasionally maybe the travel, history, business or one of the older movies and some college sports...we always seemed to be on the go...

I was outside for a little bit this morning...was going to go out now but I hear thunder and it still seems warm...I have to mow the lawn and I will try again tomorrow...would like to complete refinishing the last piece of furniture...

Hope that you are all having better days and nights and wishing the best possible life or some improvement for you all...


Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 28, 2010, 04:55:45 PM
leo,

i know how you are feeling--for i too am sitting here alone--i hope you do call your friends from Italy--from the way you talk they sound like they are really nice friends. It is nice that we have this website to come to and read and write as much as we want--for only we on this site know the pain, sorrow, loneliness and grief we are experiencing--your wife's flowers are so beautiful and you have so many memories of her working in the gardens.

penny
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 05:30:15 PM
Hello Penny,

Thank you so much for the kind words...I can relate to the feelings that you are expressing...I just want to go into a corner,  close my eyes and stay there and cry...I am so lonely without her...it is 11 weeks today and I feel absolutely crushed...I do not see any improvement...initially I was numbed...now I still feel numbed but the realization of our journey through life being so interrupted is devastating me...I see her face...her smile...hear her voice...knowing that she was here and now she's not...the way that I feel now I do not want to go on...the tears just keep coming...I want her back...today seems bad but then most of my days seem that way...I would guess that staying away from people is not helping me but the few times that I have tried to do something with a few others I can't even focus well on the conversation and nothing that they say registers much ...maybe you have to throw yourself into situations a lot but for now I have no desire...I just keep biding my time...
All of these tragedies that we are facing really seem like too much for any person to bear and survive in this life in any kind of normal state...I had better stop as it is going nowhere...
Thank you again...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 28, 2010, 06:18:18 PM
Good evening all,

Well, my first week back to work is over (thank goodness), and I made it.  It was a zoo in the store today with people everywhere buying for the holiday weekend.  It was good for me to be busy and interacting all week with people, but I am really tired tonight.  I am not used to being on my feet all day and the physical labor involved with my job, but I am back in the flow of it again.  I don't have to go back until next Wednesday, and then only from 2 to 7.

It's hard to be alone on the holidays--I know and understand that.  I have been alone for many of them.  It is sad when others are having fun, enjoying themselves, and you are sitting in your house alone wondering why life has been so cruel to you.  Here it is Memorial Day, and I am alone again.  I have absolutely no plans except to try and get some rest and deliver our Village newspapers tomorrow.  I was invited to my cousin's shore house on Sunday, but I don't think I will go.  I don't feel like fighting the traffic or dealing with the sand.  The beach is nice, but I don't have much desire to go any more.  I think I mentioned that our pool is opening this weekend, but I know it will be crowded with a lot of families and children, and I am not ready to face our friends yet.  It will be hard to do that.

I think trying to socialize right now comes down to this, Leo--spend time with only one person at a time, and only someone you know you can talk to and who will listen to you.  It's too difficult trying to be with couples or large groups right now for all of us.  If you can find someone who has suffered a similar loss, that would be a good start. 

I so envy you that you have friends in Italy that want you to visit.  It would be good for you to go for a while, maybe not right now, but sometime in the near future.  It would probably do you good to get away.  I am considering doing a cruise myself, maybe in the fall.  As for the dog, THINK about that one!  I think about it myself now and then, but it is such a big committment, and it really ties you down if you want to go somewhere.

Well, it's getting late, and I haven't had dinner yet.  I sample things all day long when I work (not a good thing), so when I come home, I am not that hungry.

Wishing you all peace and a good night's sleep.  One hour, one day at a time. 

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 28, 2010, 07:03:21 PM
Hello Jannie,
 I am happy that you made it through the week OK...sounds as if you kept busy...I know that standing on your feet is very exhausting...at least you can relax on the weekend...I too will be alone and will try to mow the lawn tomorrow and finish the last piece of outdoor furniture...
I just finished talking to my mother-in-law...she received an 8X10 framed picture of us that I sent to her...she really liked it very much and was so thankful to me...I talked to her for about a half an hour...she too is alone for the weekend...

Unfortunately, I have absolutely no one here that I am willing to confide to in the least despite the large number of people we know...I sent my former neighbor an email yesterday and heard from her today...her dad had an auto accident, has dementia setting in and they took his keys away...he's mad...she is going to relieve her brother who is staying with the father now ...she has to travel almost 1800 miles and does not know how long she will be gone from her husband...problems are those things that appear to define the world and are always present...

I am not seriously thinking about a dog...I have to avoid making major decisions at this point...I only got out of the house for the mail and a little yard work...otherwise I was house bound...maybe it would be good to get away...I do not feel like it now but maybe in mid September I will take my Italian friends up on their offer...they really liked my wife so much...I could hear the concern in their voices for how I as doing...we like them very much...mid September into the first few week or so in November is a great time to go...very few tourists...the vendemia or grape harvest is in late Sept-early Oct depending on the region...the other time period to visit is end of April -mid June...July and August are not good times for a variety of reasons...
Today just seemed so bad for me with tears and sadness...can not explain...I guess I was not busy and spent more time focusing on my loss...
wishing you well for the weekend and peaceful nights...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 28, 2010, 09:23:30 PM
Hi Leo Jannie, Donna, and everyone,
       Donna that was a beautiful memorial to your daughter, she was a beautiful woman, so sorry for your losses. Leo I am checking out the possum sites you gave me, thanks, I don't want to hurt them,I just don't want them to bite my dogs, as Charlie is young and likes to chase.  I went to work today, and in the afternoon, I got so depressed, I just wanted to go home but I didn't, and as I walked home from work I pictured Johnny standing in front of the house waiting for me, like he did sometimes, it was very depressing, I miss him terribly, I am so happy that we have this place, we all understand what we are going through. I also am going to be home this weekend, my son said that he will try to come over tomorrow with the kids and my daughter in law, so that would be nice, My other son works so much, he dosen't have much time for anything, but he does try.  I hope that it dosen"t rain tomorrow. Jannie I am glad that you worked this week, it does help. I think it is good when you come home and you are exhausted, you just want to sleep, my favorite thing to do.  Donna I am glad that your wrist is feeling better.  Well try to have a good tomorrow,  peace in your souls
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 29, 2010, 06:55:28 AM
Hello Karen,
 
I am sorry that you have been experiencing such depression...I can sympathize with you because it has been all over me and does not seem to get any better...last evening was so bad for me...home alone for eating...the silence in the house...my head still has a dull/numb feeling constantly...I will be alone this weekend...it is nice that you have some family to visit you and that you can get some time off from work...it seems that you worked very hard this past week...
 
Later I will mow the lawn...I keep my mp3 player on and listen to my Italian programs...I keep sound protection on over my mp3 ear plugs so I reduce substantially the noise of the mower...

It is 78 days since my dear wife has been gone and my heart feels so crushed...I can't believe that my wife is no longer here...the days slip by slowly and she slips further into the past...it is so horrible for all here to have to experience such tragedies...some get so much while other people go through life doing what does not seem right, in my opinion, and remain unscathed...these injustices or tragedies are not how I would have designed life for people...it all seems so unfair and can't be justified in my opinion...
 
wishing you a better life,

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 29, 2010, 01:38:54 PM
Hello everyone,

I started to write a post, after mowing the lawn and working outside for 2 1/2 hours, but got rid of it...I was feeling so despondent...I feel even worse now and had to put some things down...I was walking from room to room in such despair and my head was filling up with so many thoughts...I was going to go outside again but a thunder storm rolled in and it is raining very hard...I feel so alone and had so many thoughts of my wife over the last several months racing through my mind at an incredible rate...I can't seem to stop crying...I wanted to help her so much more...I am not looking for anyone to tell me what to do or to say any thing in particular because I know that there are no answers...I do not have any where else to turn...my friends will accept me back but only if I behave and conform to their expectations...I know that they do not understand and I can live with that...I guess that is human nature...this kind of grief can not be tolerated by most unless you are going through it personally...it scares them too much...so I keep posting but so far I do not see any thing coming of it...at times yesterday and today my legs have been itching me like crazy...I do  not see any rash...
It is still raining very hard and still thundering a lot...maybe this would be a good time to go get a few groceries as it is unlikely that I would run into anyone...
Still have not called my Italian friends...maybe tomorrow...
 
wishing you better times...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 29, 2010, 03:57:47 PM
leo,

i know the pain and despair you are feeling--as we continue to struggle through our loss and other people wanting us to conform and they want us to behave--but we can not--they dont understand our pain only those of us who have lost our loved ones do--our pain is so deep inside of us and we need to heal in our process of this miserable life in this world.  the grief we all share here(as individuals) is different and unique than anybody elses.. we come here to share our emotions with each other and i am gald i have this site to come to and write--i have tried another online site but no-one has even bother to write back

penny
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 29, 2010, 10:42:00 PM
Hi Leo and everyone,

Well it's about 12:30 am.  I had a busy day today.  Charlie's daughter was up from Florida to clean out the rest of the stuff in her dad's house.  The new owners are moving in on Tuesday.  The moving van was there early this morning to take the furniture, and I went over later to help her get out the rest of the stuff.  There was a lot of work to be done, and she needed to get it all done today because she was leaving tonight to go to her aunt's house for the rest of the weekend. Our very wonderful neighbors here really came through and helped us get rid of so much stuff.  I can't say enough about their generosity.  Our one neighbor had his son-in-law drive about an hour to come with his truck and cart away so many things, and he is coming back tomorrow to get the rest.  We worked until around 9:00 tonight, then Cindy and I went to Houlihan's for some dinner before she left to go to her aunt who lives about an hour and a half from here.  I wanted her to stay with me, but she said she really wanted to go.  It was so good to spend some time with her tonight and talk.  I spent a month with her and her family when Charlie was sick, and I got so close to her and her children.  She is only 10 years younger than me, so we really have a good connection.  I am so hoping I will see her again although it is unlikely unless I go to Florida.  She really doesn't have much reason to come back to this area again.  She was so emotional when she had to leave the house tonight, and we both cried.

Leo, I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time.  Maybe you are underestimating your friends--what has you thinking that you have to conform to their expectations?  If that is the case, then I think they are not really good friends.  True friends understand and will let you talk and express your feelings.  I am lucky to have some understanding friends who are always willing to listen to me.  I try not to burden them too much with my grief--that is why I have tried to stay away from them until just recently, but they have not let me down.  They are always calling me and worrying about me.  I know that I cannot avoid people forever, and that is why I am slowly starting to reconnect.  I don't want to lose my friends.  They are all I have any more, and I think that is important to remember, especially for those of us who are without family.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, Leo, but I think that we don't have the ultimate control over what happens to us in this life.  We can control things to a point, but if it is our time to go, there is nothing much we can do to stop it.  One or the other person in a relationship has to die first, and that is the sad thing about it.  The other person is left behind to deal with all this pain for who knows how long.  This is my second time at bat, and as I told Cindy tonight, I have to believe that God left me here for a reason since he has taken everyone from me in this life.  I just don't know what that reason is yet.

Leo, that itching may be from stress.  I had a friend who had the same thing on her arms, and it was stress-related.

Karen, I hope you were able to do something about that possum.  I had a dead squirrel here last week on my front lawn, and I had to have our maintenance people come and scoop him up.  He was stumbling around like he was really sick, then finally died.  It was not pretty to watch.

I am waiting for Cindy to give me a buzz and let me know that she got to her aunt's okay, then I am off to bed.  I think I will sleep tonight.  I worked hard all week and today also. 

Peace and good thoughts to all,

Jannie


This is from the Griefshare e-mail I received today.  Wanted to share it with all of you.  Sorry about the religious part if it offends anyone, but their e-mails are religious-based.  Just thought the part about the emotions was so apropos.

Your Emotions
Day 58


Your emotions can be intense, draining, and hard to hold back; they are tangled up inside of you and run deep.

Everyone goes through some unexpected emotions, and it helps for you to identify and sort out the emotions that apply to you. This is part of the healing process.

Which emotions describe what you are feeling?
denial, rage, loneliness
rejection, confusion, helplessness
guilt, anxiety, disappointment
anger, sadness, resentment
jealousy, inadequacy, vindictiveness
fear, envy, depression
pain, dread, bitterness
loss, anguish, dismay
sorrow, betrayal, abandonment
apathy, distrust, lack of control

Jesus can identify with your sorrows.

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we esteemed Him not." (Isaiah 53:3)

Lord Jesus, You alone know my suffering and pain. Please sort through these emotions with me. Amen.


Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 29, 2010, 11:11:35 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone,
  Maybe it would be good for you to contact your friends in Italy, you say they loved your wife, and it might be easier for you to confide and talk to them.  I know your pain leo, it is something that we can't explain to anyone, people don;t realize time, they lose the concept of it, and if they don't see you for a while they think it has been a long time and that you should feel better.  Only we really understand how this grief works.
   Jannie, I am happy that you took care of the house with Cindy and everything worked out, I am sure Charlie was happy I still can't touch anything that belonged to my Johnny, I can't even think of it. My sons and their families came to visit today, and stood most of the day, I have to unwind now, but I am pretty tired.  I have to practice driving more, maybe tomorrow.  I haven't seen the possum today, I go out with the dogs in my possum gear, if anyone was videoing me they would put it on america's funniest videos, I am armed with a flashlight, clicker, broken fishing pole, telephone, and my dog on a leash until I check the yard, it is really funny. I just don't want my dog to get bit, the young dog likes to chase things so he would corner it and then it will have to protect itself, so it is a little problem.
    Well I better try to sleep, it is getting really late,
Good night
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 30, 2010, 06:56:37 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone
     How is everyone today?, I am sitting here with the TV on just for noise, I took the car again today, this is very good for me. It keeps me concentrating on driving and I really can't think to much, so it is good. I did a lot of things today that Johnny used to do, but he helped me accomplish them. I know that he is beside me, I really do mean it.  He helps me to do things that he used to do, it is amazing, things I never did before, I ask him to help and I do them. It makes me feel better knowing that he is close by me. Just invisible but someday we will be together again, I am sure of it.
     I like to have a little wine myself Leo, but sometimes I get a little queasy from it. 1 or 2 glasses.
     It is good for you,so they say, who knows what is good for you anymore, after the way me and Johnny ate and excersized every day, I don't believe anything anymore.
     Well take care of yourself
       Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on May 30, 2010, 07:23:30 PM
leo,

i know this weekend has been tough on all of us--as we try to struggle through every day minute by minute--wanting to be with our loved ones--it is hard to deal with all of emotions going through our hearts and minds--i know there really are no words we can express with our grief to help us through this--for i to also feel i have no purpose in this life anymore--that is why i come here to post some of my feelings--it normally takes me a long time to open up to someone especially someone i dont know--it is nice to know that you continue to take care of your wife's beautiful gardens and hopefully you can cherish the memories the two of you made together while working in them togetheri am also a bit concerned that you have not posted much today

penny
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 30, 2010, 07:28:45 PM
Hi Leo, Karen, and all,

Boring, depressing day--folks celebrating all around--tomorrow will probably be even worse.  I went out briefly this afternoon to the store for some bananas (couldn't even find any that weren't totally green)--that is the story of my life lately!  On my way out, I saw all the trash bags along the curb at Charlie's house, and it made me so sad.  I remember last Memorial Day weekend--we were so happy.  I just saw a comment on Facebook by one of my friends who was beaming about what a glorious day it was at the pool and how they were going to a barbecue later, and how wonderful life is...........yatta, yatta, yatta.........I feel like throwing up!!

Leo, you are noticeably quiet today--hope you are okay! 

Karen, congrats on the driving--keep up the good work and be careful on the road.  I laughed when I read about your "possum gear" when you walk your doggies.  I understand why you are concerned for them. 

Well, I don't have much else to add tonight and would like to watch that movie (The Blind Side) before it gets too late.  Netflix is really wonderful if you enjoy watching movies.  They really are a distraction from our thoughts and our grief.  Netflix has such a wonderful library of all kinds of films--old, new, documentaries, TV series. 

Hoping we all get through this weekend--it's hard to be alone on holidays--I have been alone for a lot of them, so I know. 

Wishing you all peace tonight,

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 30, 2010, 08:41:46 PM
Hello Jannie Karen, DonnaB , Penny and everyone,

Karen..
It seems good that you took the car again and that you feel such closeness with Johnny...I too have the TV on but am not watching or listening...I know that it is a Star Wars movie and I feel like I could be R2D2...just a robot...it is nice that you have your son and his family to relate to once in a while...and it is good that you have work to distract you some...

Well, I am making it through another day although my mental and emotional state are somewhere in space...I can't relate to much anymore...that's the way it is...Karen I too say I do not believe anything any more...we too did everything and more that experts said you should do for a healthy life...I mean everything and beyond...my wife was very trim and a perfect weight according to charts...2-3 mile walks everyday or bike riding...never sick, no colds or ever felt worn out...I thought we had a real edge...I have extensive experience and advanced training in the fields of microbiology/immunology...I have extensive experience and am very familiar with alternative methods on what is reported by scientific experts to stop/interrupt dozens and dozens of chemical pathways that cancer cells take...my wife was a chemist...
I am going for another glass of wine...
someday, maybe, I will go into much more of the details regarding our story...it upsets me terribly to get into it and I end up in not liking myself even more and crying a lot...

I completed the refinishing of the outdoor furniture and did some gardening today...we got a lot of rain later in the day...I am going to paint a ceiling in an outdoor room next...the maintenance never stops...had another closet shelf bracket give way and a pull cord to one of the vertical blinds break...

Jannie,
My first thought of the itching was nerves but I wanted to wait and see if it was a type of delayed hypersensitivity reaction that involves certain white blood cells and takes 48-72 hours to exhibit a reaction...I thought that maybe it was something from working in the garden or reaction to e.g. a mold that can be an immediate or a delayed hypersensitivity reaction...however today the itching is gone...

Hope that your day has been OK...I still have not called my Italian friends...I know that I will break down when talking...it is bad enough when I am speaking English but is more difficult when I am speaking Italian...I think that if I go I would only stay with them a week...even that seems long...I would rather rent a place and then do things with them...the last time we were with them for 4 days they had us doing things with them for 12-14 hours each day...very tiresome...I would not leave until the 3rd week of Sept...I checked flight availability tonight and there is a lot of availability...guess not as many people are traveling...right now the very thought of being away from my very familiar and comfortable surroundings makes me very uneasy...I am going to wait a while...
 
DonnaB.
Hope that you and the wrist are holding up as best as can be expected with all  the sadness and pain that you are going through...it has to be so difficult for you...I sympathize with you...

Penny...
You have indicated such pain and sadness that I can sympathize with and relate to myself...I wish that some peace and better days will be there for you...it seems so very difficult for you...for everyone on this site and all over that are going through these horrific experiences...


wishing some thing better for us all...we have been experiencing such pain...we deserve something better...I am so sorry all...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: jaxsaint on May 31, 2010, 01:05:02 PM
Dear Leo,

I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel that all of your professional experience could not help.  The helplessness that we all feel takes your breath away.  Believing that you had an edge on life. . .I felt that too.  First, I feel that with all of my struggles life couldn't be cruel enough to take away my happiness so quickly.  Second, I believed that Joe was invincible.  He told me that so often I believed it.  He had beat the odds of cancer so many times, he had this super human complex.  He had often been wreckless.  Just as we were getting married he started to believe that a longer life was possible.  Cooking better, taking vitamins, no more cigarettes.  How could like do this to us?  He was crossing the street at a stop sign.  That was our edge.  I think back on all the things I could have done differently that day so that this would never happen. 

I'm also thinking of getting away.  I have an old friend in Florida who may be a comfort.  My cousin (her husband is French) will be in the south of France later in July and has invited me to join them.  Europe has always helped during dark days.  The lifestyle embraces life.  I figure it might help me to meditate on the larger questions instead of the emptiness of the house and my life.  It's worth a try.

I hope your tomorrow is easier.

Jackie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on May 31, 2010, 03:27:43 PM
Good evening to all,

It's been a long and boring day--did not sleep well again--was awake every two hours, so I didn't do anything today.  Just hung around--it was a hot day, and I could have gone to the pool, but I had no interest.  Didn't want to see anyone or have to talk.  Had a meltdown this morning thinking about last Memorial Day and how happy we were.

I just went outside to water my flowers and turn the sprinkler on my grass, and I talked to my neighbor for a while.  She lost her daughter at age 21 to leukemia and has been taking care of a sick husband for nearly 20 years now, so she knows heartache.  She is very sympathetic--knew Charlie even before I did--and kept talking about how the whole neighborhood misses him.  It's so very hard to hear.

I have a long list of things to do tomorrow, then I have to work again on Wednesday.  On Thursday I have a few more things to take care of, then Friday I am leaving for Cape May for the weekend with a couple of my old friends.  I am supposed to stay for two nights, but I am not sure I can handle two, so I am taking my own car in case I decide to leave early.  I would prefer not to go, but they are insisting, and the reservation is non-refundable at this point.

Hope everyone had a decent day.  Holidays are the worst!!!  Everyone around celebrating, having barbecues, and doing things, and here I sit crying and feeling sorry for myself.  I am so tired of being alone again. 

Not much to add tonight.  I need to go make my dinner (and eat it alone). 

Have a peaceful evening, all,

Jannie



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 04:50:35 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie and All,
   Leo it is so disheartening  to hear that you and your wife were professionals, and knew what to do to stay healthy, that is a really bad sign.  Johnny and I just did what we thought was right, eating as healthy as we could, walking everyday 2 to 3 miles and just taking care of ourselves and this happened, it must be more frustrating for you being in the field and all.  See there isn't any answers, that is the answers I got at Memorial  Sloane Kettering Cancer Hospital in Manhattan, they just didn't have any answers for me, they just don't know what we think they know.  So sad, all these years of research and not enough answers yet.  at least not for us.  So why bother doing all the right things, obviously it dosen't help.  I was alone all day today, it was a long day, just cleaning up after Johnny in the basement and stuff, he wasen't the neatest person.  I brushed the dogs and did some stuff in the garden, but I am bored right now, don't want to go to bed yet, to early.
   Hi Jannie, sorry you are having such a bad day, isn't it terrible when you feel like that, just don't want to see or talk to anybody, I get like that. 
    I am glad that you are going to cape may, it is beautiful there, we went there for a week every summer, you will be happy that you went, it is just getting started. Today was tough for me too.,  I was in and out all day, cleaning up after Johnny, and missing him with everything that i touched.  Well I am going to feed the dogs, take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 31, 2010, 07:30:30 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB. and everyone,

Jannie,

I am so sorry that you did not sleep well and are having a bad day...I did sleep well again last night and I think all the outdoor time and wine are helping me...but I still do cry so much and feel so down that it really is disheartening...many times I really do feel like giving up and I tell myself in no uncertain terms when I am in front of a mirror...we have several mirrors so I get many chances to tell myself what I think...each day is so repetitive of the previous one that was filled with sadness and pain...
I hope that it works out well for you going to Cape May...wishing the best for you after all you have been through...you deserve something better in life...the couple two doors down saw me working outside tonight and talked with me a little...they have been very sympathetic...I showed them the outdoor furniture that I refinished...they thought that it looked great...that was the only time in the last few days that I have talked to anyone...

Karen,
I would not be disheartened about trying to do the right thing...when I get to the point where I feel up to it, I can elaborate more and show you why it did give my wife a lot more "good" time...it bothers me too much now and I get too worked up but at some time I will share it here for what it is worth...there is a lot that I can elaborate on...maybe it can help someone else...who knows...the memories of the last several weeks of my wife's life haunt me something terribly...if I dwell on it long enough I could almost do myself in without a problem...I am getting extremely saddened now so I better let it go as I am staring to cry so much...got to go...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 09:16:51 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone,
      Well I am done for the day, it is midnight, and I am getting ready to go to bed, with some help.  I am sorry Leo, I didn't mean to pry, I just meant that I wish someone knew the answer to all of this.
      I hope everyone sleeps well tonight, Jannie do you have work tomorrow? I don't go back until Wed. It will be another long day for me tomorrow, I guess I will clean the house all day, it is supposed to rain, which I hate, more depressing. It is very humid and hot tonight, I have to go now and write in my journal. 
      Goodnight everyone
     Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on May 31, 2010, 09:29:23 PM
Hello Karen,

You did not pry at all...you have nothing to feel sorry for...it is something that in time I would like to relate...I am having a difficult time getting to bed tonight...I hate turning the last light off...problem is no matter how late I go to bed I still wake up at the same time each morning...5:30-6...as soon as I get in bed the sadness overwhelms me and I start to cry...another problem is that I do not see any improvement in my outlook on life or my overall well being...I better go to bed now...wishing you a peaceful evening and a better life for you...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 05:46:53 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB. and everyone,

Well, here I am ready to start another day alone and in my terrible mental state...it was about 1 A.M. when I got to bed and cried myself to sleep...I find it so difficult to make the move to get into bed...I seem to delay it as long as possible...I keep struggling to find some purpose for going on in this life...I feel as if I am in the movie "Groundhog Day" where I keep repeating the same day over and over again...there is nothing to look forward to except more sadness and pain...
I am going to get outside early again before it gets warmer...it is much easier when I have some shade...then I think I will try to tackle the painting I have on my schedule...I have some prep work to do first...
wishing you all as good a day as possible and looking forward to some day when we have a little more breathing room from our sadness and pain...

wishing you all well...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 01, 2010, 01:27:15 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, Donna, and everyone,
         I got up in a terrible way today, very miserable, i have been like that all day and it is getting worse, Leo what you said hit home, what do we have to look forward to, nothing, day in day out, alone, how are we going to do this, Somedays I feel a tiny bit stronger than others, but I am in a down spiral today, I feel so alone, I was out, went to the stores, but couldn't wait to come home.  I don't want to say it but I wish I was dead. I know that sounds awful, but it is the truth. there is no purpose in life anymore, he was my life, now I have no life. I wish today was over, and I hope that tomorrow I get up feeling a little better or else I will be in trouble. It is raining and thundering right now,  just how I feel inside.
 Be back later
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 04:15:15 PM
Hello Karen,
I am so very sorry that you are experiencing such a bad day...I can sympathize as I have been feeling so very bad and wishing that I was with my wife...all I can see when I think like that is the look of astonishment on her face when I said that I wanted to go with her " don't talk like that " she said to  me...I know that I would disappoint her to no end but my days have been getting so bad...I try and write and write...had a very difficult time getting to bed last night as the tears were flowing so much...I made the move at 1 A.M. and cried myself to sleep...it exhausts me so much...I know where you are coming from as I have been and am there so many times...it seems almost hopeless and I still feel that I have no purpose...talk to us more...I care about what happens to you and it would sadden me so much if I knew that you were no longer here...

I was out for 3 hours this afternoon  going to several stores...was at the art framers and as I mentioned in a previous post his mother died 10 days before my wife...so he is experiencing grief and understands...he has his work and his immediate family to keep him very occupied, however...
I worked outside for a few hours this morning and have been trying to stay so busy but the nights are so difficult...it might be good try and do some thing ...any thing to get you through tonight...do you like to go for walks with your dogs?

I just ate dinner...again by myself...I miss doing every thing with my wife...this is so sad for me...so very lonely...I can only imagine what you must be going through...I try to be kind to myself a little but much of the time I am not good at it...
It is so sad that we have to go down this road...I hope that you take care of yourself...

wishing you better days and some peace,

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 07:49:26 PM
Hello Jannie,

 Hope that you are having a better day...we all have been enduring so much that it is a monumental struggle to make it through a single day...I too see so many couples and have never been so aware of it before...I know that now it is so different...
Are you working this week? I guess it is good to work ourselves into the open population but my days are bad and I am just going where ever...
I was at the art framers today and he notices a very profound difference in his life since his mother's death in early March...he does more of the yard work that his son used to do and he finds himself contemplating his loss and dwelling on it so much...his way of thinking about life in general has changed...he gets very emotional about it...
I picked up more of the framed pictures of my wife and they are so nice...I just finished hanging them and got so emotional...crying and getting angry at the world...things should not be this way for any of us...but life being what it is there is a time when everyone will face a life changing loss and join the ranks of the unfortunate with us...

The loss of a partner that we on this site all have experienced has had such a profound and damaging effect on us all...what can we do...write  and write and try to support each other in these times of such monumental crises...I do not know where it will lead...I do hope we all make it to some point where we can function in a reasonable manner...

Hope that you have better days for all the suffering that you have gone through...

wishing you the best...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 08:26:51 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen and DonnaB,

You have all been quiet tonight and I hope that you are OK...I care what happens to you all and I just wanted to wish you well and hope that you have a peaceful night...I am finishing my second glass of an Italian red and it has been helping me sleep...
Hope to hear from you tomorrow if you feel up to it...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on June 01, 2010, 08:59:43 PM
Good evening all,

It was a busy day for me today.  I had a list as long as my arm of things I had to do today. 

I find myself so frustrated with everything and using language that only a sailor or truck driver would use when things don't go my way!!!  I hate myself for that, but I seem to have no control.  I have NO PATIENCE for anything or anyone.

We had a bad storm here around 5:30, and I needed to deliver our village newspapers tonight as I was gone all day today and have to work tomorrow.  I waited out the storm, then went out around 7:00 and got it done.  I ran into one of the maintenance men here who was working late tonight and who knew Charlie well.  He wanted to express his condolences and talk to me about Charlie.  I got myself pretty worked up after that, and I delivered the papers in tears.  Charlie always helped me with that job (I only have to do it once a month), and it is hard to do it without him.  I miss him so much.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, and part of me is missing all the time.  I miss everything about him--his face, his gorgeous smile, his beautiful head of white hair.  I feel like he is slipping away from me as each day passes, just as my husband did.  There are pictures and mementos of my husband all around my house, and I see them every day, but somehow as so much time has passed, I am able to look at them and have peace with his passing.  It has been 12 years, and that is a long time, I know.  I will always love him, and I never thought I would ever meet another man who could fill his shoes, but I did, and now I have lost him also.  It is so sad.  I still cannot look at pictures or things that belonged to Charlie, and I have them all put away until I feel I can handle it.  I don't know why God left me here to deal with all of this.  I know I should be glad to get away this weekend, but I am actually not looking forward to it.  I wish I could just stay home.  It's too much of an effort right now to even get ready for a weekend away.

Leo, I know full well the images surrounding the last few weeks in the life of someone who is dying.  This was my third time doing it.  Although my dad did not die of cancer, his death was even harder in a lot of ways that I don't care to even think about.  These images are so hard to erase from our minds, especially when they are so fresh.  I know that in time they do seem to fade, and we see and remember our loved ones as they were when they were in good health and enjoying life.  I know that is hard to imagine right now, but I do know that it does happen over time.

You mention that it is so hard for you to turn the last light off every night.  Have you tried sleeping with a low light on or a night light?  Just a suggestion--it might help.  I have a TV in my bedroom, so I usually leave it on until I fall asleep.  It helps not to lay there in the dark and think.

Karen, I am so sorry you had such a bad day.  I know what you are saying about our purpose for being here now. I feel that way all the time--so empty.  The days go by, one the same as the next, and there seems no reason to keep on going.  Please do not wish you were dead.  I don't want any of us here to express that wish even though it crosses our mind a lot.  I can't offer any constructive advice about why we need to go forward except that I know our loved ones would want it that way and would be very sad to know that we do not want to go on without them as would your children and grandchildren.  Someday I pray that we will all find the peace we deserve and a reason to go on. 

I have to work tomorrow from 2 till 7 pm.  I usually work all day Mondays as well, but I was off yesterday because of the holiday.  It is enough for me.  I really don't want any more hours than that. 

Well, I am tired tonight, so I will bid you all a good night.  Wishing all of us peace and strength in the days ahead.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 01, 2010, 09:51:56 PM
Hi Jannie,
Good to hear from you...I turned my computer off but I just could not make the trek into bed so I came back to my computer room and turned it on again while I wait for the melatonin to kick in...took 12 mg tonight...capsules and spray...
It makes me so sad to hear how much pain that you are in...I wish you a better tomorrow...the night light sounds like a good idea...I'll wait to see how I feel in about 10-15 minutes...I usually like a very dark room but as soon as I sit on the bed the sadness overwhelms me so...this is not how life was meant to be for us...I have been driving around the local area so much and working outside just to try and keep my mind occupied enough...I am on the move and have been doing 18 hour days and then force myself into bed...I know that there is no answer but maybe tomorrow will be a little easier for us all...OK I am going to try and go to bed once again...do not feel any melatonin effect yet...but...

good night,

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on June 02, 2010, 05:35:19 PM
Good evening to all,

Hope each of you had a decent day.  I worked from 2 till 7 tonight in my old store.  It was so hard to leave there tonight knowing that Charlie would not be waiting outside to pick me up and take me home.  The minute I left the store the tears started.  I am in such a downward spiral the last couple of days--I miss him so terribly that it hurts.  I see his face everywhere I look and am so sad.  I am crying right now. 

My friend Joan called me today at work about the weekend.  I couldn't talk to her much since I was working and told her I would talk to her tomorrow, but I did tell her that I didn't think I was going to stay the whole weekend.  She was not happy about that, but I told her that one night was all I thought I could do.  Our other friend is staying the second night, so I don't feel bad leaving if I decide to.  I just don't think I have it in me to be social for 3 days.

Leo, did you try the night light?  I know I like it totally dark when I sleep as well.  When the sun comes up in the morning, I usually put a pillow over my eyes to block out the light.  The early morning hours are my best ones for sleep.  I have been meaning to ask you--how much melatonin is safe to take?  I have been taking a 3 mg tablet every night, but it doesn't seem to do the trick.  I still wake up every two hours or so, and I have been having a lot of strange dreams.

Well, I need to get out of my work clothes and eat something yet.  It's getting late. 

I wish I had more to offer tonight, but I really don't.  I am so sad and lonely and missing Charlie so much.  I saw so many older couples walking around Costco today (much older), and I kept saying to myself, "WHY ARE THEY SO LUCKY TO HAVE EACH OTHER, AND I AM NOT?"  Life surely has not been fair to any of us here.

Wishing us all peace and something better than this misery someday,

Jannie






Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 02, 2010, 05:41:48 PM
Hi Leo ,& Jannie,
       Well I made it through yesterday, most of the day was spent in bed, not good.  It is a good thing that I had to work today, so it forced me to get up, get dressed and get out, I was there until 7 tonight, by the time I got home, walked the dogs, tried to eat,  it was 8:30,  so that is good, almost bedtime.  Jannie i am so sorry that you had to go through this torture twice, I can't understand why that would happen,  why can't we keep our happiness?, why do we have to lose the ones we love, and especially since we had good relationships, Why???,  Jannie, I feel very frustrated with no patience also,
Leo, my sons and I were with Johnny around the clock the last days of his life, I never ever saw someone die before, and my love, I remember his last breath,  I just can't forget, my children, his brother, and my close cousins were all there it was as if he waited for them, my younger son went down for coffee, before we knew that he was so close, and we called him back as we saw his breathing was getting weaker, Ray came back with a priest that he found on the way back to the room, just as they came into the room Johnny took his last breath, how could we ever make that memory easier to bear, i am so sick right now, I just relived the whole thing.  I don't know what we are going to do, but these last few days have been torture for me.  
I will try to come back later,
God Bless
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 03, 2010, 06:50:15 PM
Hello Jannie, Karen, DonnaB. and everyone,
 
I felt really bad most of yesterday and did not feel up to posting...got in bed by 11:10P.M. which is early for me...was not going to post tonight but I want to write something down so that I do not go totally crazy...I am crying and talking to myself a lot...I feel so upset now...did not get outside too much at all today...stayed inside to do wash and computer things...

I hope that everyone is doing a little better...there does not seem to be an end to my sadness and depression... almost nearing 3 months ( 83 days ) and I am resigning myself to accepting my present state of mind for as long as I care to estimate...I know that I should not look so far into the future but I am...
 
Jannie
     Regarding melatonin ( it is a hormone )... please keep in mind that I do not recommend what someone should take but I am always willing to share with you what I do or have done and the information as I know it...I have taken levels of 3-12 mg only at night and about 45-60 minutes before going to bed...( the higher levels in the last several months ) for at least 12 -15 years...I have read about doses as high as 300 mg used in people and have not known any serious adverse reactions to occur when it is taken in the evening...usual reactions that might occur may be some some nausea or diarrhea, drowsiness in A.M....this is nothing compared to the >100,000 -200,000 deaths due to contraindications from prescriptions drugs each year in the USA...what you read on  melatonin depends on the site and sometimes the info is biased...
several studies have indicated that women ( ER + or women who have estrogen receptor positive cancer tumors ) who have breast cancer tend to have lower levels of melatonin...melatonin seems to work as an anti-estrogen and has been given in higher doses to women who have been experiencing breast cancer...doses in the 30 - 50 mg range have been suggested...this is the range that I gave my wife over a very extended period of time...we never experienced anything  except for me with a little drowsiness on very few occasions the next A.M...just reduce your dose...melatonin seems to inhibit cancer cell proliferation and boosts the immune system...there is more detail but I will stop there...

 Infants do not sleep through the night until they are approximately 4-6 months of age when they start producing sufficient levels of  melatonin...melatonin levels rise to a peak at about puberty and then decline there after...after about 60 years of age most people are producing about the melatonin levels of infants...

 Any light at all in the room where we sleep tends to inhibit melatonin production and it is best to have a very dark room...

I have more on this and many supplements that I have spent more that 35 years researching and taking...am always willing to share with any one who wants to know...I do not sell anything...I am very familiar with the biology and the chemistry...
I hope that I did not go on too long...

Karen,
I know what you mean about losing patience...I have been so hard on myself when something does not go perfectly...this is so unlike me...it can be something very simple...does not make a difference...hope that you are doing OK with work and at home in the evenings...
dwelling on the last days of our loved ones can be so devastating...sometimes I can not help it... my mind darts back to those events...I am struggling so much and it is so hard...
Have you driven any more? Hope that your day at work was OK today...is the weather still warm?

DonnaB...is your wrist doing any better? Are you OK? I hope that the answer is yes to both...

Penny...something else I an relate to you regarding eating...ginger root ( capsules or fresh ) can have a beneficial effect on digestion and an alleviate any nausea or upset stomach...hope that you are doing better with eating...

Wishing a good evening to all...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: lovedhim on June 03, 2010, 10:00:05 PM
Leo - thinking of you.  Your warm personality shines through your words.  Your wife was a lucky woman to have been loved by you.  I know you were fortunate to have had her in your life, but it was a reciprocal love, I am sure.  I do wish you a better day tomorrow -- I will try if you will, OK?

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 04, 2010, 06:26:02 AM
Hello Jannie, Karen and DonnaB.,

Just to see if you all are doing OK...things seem to be quiet...hope that something is going right for you...we all need better days, although I have not discovered anything new to help myself out...still floundering around in this heavy shroud of sadness all alone...slowly each day passes and the wonderful life and happiness that I had known recedes into the past...I know full well that it is the same for all here...
Jannie...I hope that your trip to the Cape goes well for you...

wishing you a good today and something better in the days ahead...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 04, 2010, 06:57:22 AM
Hello lovedhim,

Thank you for your kind words...I know that we all face such difficult times and I have tried  to maintain some semblance of sanity and move in the right direction...what ever that might be...but in all reality I fail to see much moving well for me...I am so sorry for your losses and I hope that you are faring better...
wishing you well...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 04, 2010, 11:59:48 AM
Hello to everyone,

 Just to let you know that I added a few more photos that I took of some more flowers from the garden. There are two galleries and the one that has fewer pictures is a duplicate of the other...this happened when I was learning to set up the site...the birds are sandhill cranes that were walking through our yard many years ago...a male and female...they stay in pairs year after year and they mate for life...they do not want to leave when they realize that they have such a wonderful partner ( my own comment and feeling...I  am shaking and crying as I write this...hoping that soon I will awake from this horrific nightmare and be together with my mate for life )...
Wishing all a better day sometime...

Leo


http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 04, 2010, 06:34:33 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, Donna and everyone,
        I am in kind of a funk, didn't feel like getting on the computer, didn't really feel like doing anything, but I did go to work,  I guess it is a good thing that I have a job or who knows, I probably would never come out of the house. Well I made a decision, I am going to go to a medium, George Anderson, I know people who have gone to him before many years ago, and they were so impressed.  I will take my sons along with me, I just want to know that Johnny is OK. I think I will be having a busy weekend although I really don't want it, but I will see my kids tomorrow, and Sunday some friends of ours will be coming to visit, wish I could get out of it but I know that I can't.  Yes Leo I have been trying to drive every chance I get, no highways yet, just around the streets, I hope that I can get myself to go on the highways, it will make my life so much easier.
       Well I have to go walk the dogs, see you later
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 04, 2010, 08:02:35 PM
Hi Jannie, Karen, DonnaB and everyone,

Good to hear from you Karen...I think that you driving the car more is really good...in many areas if you do not drive you are really stranded and dependent on others unless you have reliable public transportation...it sure sounds like a very busy weekend...when do you go to the medium? I am including his URL and thought you might want to check it out...maybe you already have it...I am assuming that this is the same one to which you are referring...

http://www.georgeanderson.com/page1.htm

I wish you well over the weekend and hope that you find a little peace...

Jannie,
I hope that you are doing OK and that your weekend will be good for you...I will be by myself and will work out in the garden and I may start my room painting...it is a ceiling...I have to get started early before it gets too warm...I was doing a lot of computer work today with a new program that I got: Adobe Photoshop Elements 8...I am not sure if you read a little earlier post of mine but I added more flower photos that I took and posted to the site I made:

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC


Several dozen of the gladiolas are will be flowering in the next several weeks...now it is a few here and there...I am having a glass of an Italian red as I write this...I have been sleeping reasonably well and have been doing about 6 hours straight...I never nap but I have been feeling reasonably energetic physically...my mental energy is wallowing in so much sadness...I can make it from hour to hour if I do not dwell too long on memories of the last 5 months because the despondency hits me hard...I have a TV on in the other room to have some noise to break the silence...when I am alone and dwelling on memories of my dear wife is the worst part ...when I am typing like this I am not too bad but most of the time I feel no sense in going on...why I ask myself? again I say so many words but we all know where they lead..........

I am not sure when I want to try and get together with 1 or 2 friends...my mind tells me "not now"...I do not relish the thought...I do  not even like the thought of the possibility of going away in Sept...I did check flight availability and when you get to the seat selection part it seems obvious that not many people are traveling or scheduling ...many, many seats available...even a month out...this is not what we have been accustomed to in the past...

I wet mopped every floor in the our house this morning...it is a big job but it was about due...went to the art framers this afternoon to pick up the last two photo groups...he and his wife do such nice work...hung the photos when I got home and it all does make me so sad as I go into the rooms where I have hung them...I would rather that than keep my wife's images away...for me this is better...no matter what one does it is heartbreaking...to see or not to see...I want to gaze on the lovely face of the beautiful person that made my life so grand and worthwhile for almost 33 loving and wonderful years...I miss her so very much...I had better stop here as too long in this state of mind and I slip terribly...

DonnaB....just to say hello and hope that you and the wrist are OK...I am here frequently and am available to listen/read when anyone posts...these are such desperate times for all of us...it is good to know that there are such sympathetic people frequenting this site...

Best wishes to all for something in the "good or almost good direction" for the weekend...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 04, 2010, 08:16:44 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, Donna
       That is him leo, George Anderson, I am hoping to get to see him on July 6 or 7, they have to confirm the date for me. I actually can't wait,
         I looked at the new photos of the garden, they are wonderful, I love the birds, and the flowers are so colorful, your wife must be so happy that you are keeping up with it. 
         I also have to mop all my floors, but my grandkids are coming over tomorrow, so I had better wait until they leave, they are in and out all day. 
         You sound like you were very busy today, that is good,I love to have a glass or two of red wine also, it helps to relax me, but I can't have it to close to bedtime, because then it keeps me up, isn't that strange.  I was very busy at work, but I was in a rotten mood, I think that i am starting to get out of it, I think it is passing, I hope.
         Well hope everyone gets to sleep tonight
          Hugs
          Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 05, 2010, 05:33:24 AM
Hello Karen,

Thank you so much for your kind compliments about the garden...I do enjoy working there ... so many happy memories lurking about...she loved working in the garden...I just miss her so much and want her back...I do not know Karen...life is so meaningless...I have to stay busy because so many crazy thoughts go in and out of my mind...March 12, 2010 keeps receding farther and farther into the past...so much of my life went that day also...it has been 85 days...my head still has a numbness about it and I seem in a daze many times...nothing will be normal for me or any one on this site again...

Did not hear from Jannie...hope that she is OK...

wishing you well for your busy weekend...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Pete (UK) on June 05, 2010, 04:47:27 PM
Hi Leo:

Just checking on how you're doing. It's two years for me today, drab feeling, but I'm gradually making it. Stick in there, she'd be proud of you,

Kind thoughts
Pete (UK)
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 05, 2010, 07:01:19 PM
Hello Pete,

Thank you for checking in on me...so sorry that this is not a good remembrance day for you historically...good to hear that you are getting some kind of improvement..again I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear wife Hetty...wishing you something better in your life...
I am not sure where I am any more...I  have been staying busier but I get so upset and sad so much...I will spare all the words that I have used so much in many of my posts...we all know so many words and they really do not do much...getting into bed at night releases a torrent of tears until the melatonin, exhaustion and red wine strike home and I fade away for the night...to awake and repeat the nightmare day again and so on...

wishing you some peace of mind...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 05, 2010, 08:38:51 PM
Hello to everyone,
 
What was today? I really do not know what any day means other than a depression, sadness and agony without my dearest wife...I try and stay physically busy but my mind is always thinking of my her...I do not know everyone....I am going nowhere fast...any adjective describing not good that you can think of I probably have used regarding myself in the past...I go from day to day thinking of her sweet memories...I do not have many choices available to me...play the game or quit...that is what I ponder a lot...

Today I went to get groceries, to the recycling drop off and went to Home Depot to get paint... I started on painting the ceiling of an outdoor room...I spent about 4 1/2 hours on the paint scene...it was very hot out there...I ran out of paint and have to get more tomorrow and should finish in about out 2 hours...while I was in Home Depot I met a friend of mine from my community...I have not seen him since my wife's death...we talked at length and he said many people have been asking about me and were concerned about how I was doing...he thought that I was looking well and sounded well...I told him to the contrary that internally I was very despondent and not feeling very good...he still thought that I looked good...I do not know...maybe I am giving an impression that I do not realize I am conveying...I am not talking to many people at all...very, very few...he invited me to their house for dinner but I declined and said that I was not ready yet...I went into many of the specifics surrounding my wife's illness and that revives so many memories...it seems that the times I have an encounter I feel that I have to elaborate on everything...it is painful and my mind starts analyzing the different scenarios that I went through at the end...I know so many people here in my community and I can't go through this every time...maybe I am looking for some sort of validation that I tried my best...I do not know...no one understands what I am saying scientifically anyway...I am thinking more of going away for a while...in September-October time...I am not going to tell anyone in my community that I am going...I am just going to disappear for an extended period...maybe time away will help...don't know but I am willing to try...when I am here I avoid people...do not want to do anything or talk with anyone...I really like working in the garden and being around our house but I want to be left alone...
I still have not returned the calls of my Italian friends in Verona, Italy...I better email them...I do not think staying with them will help much...everything is so confusing now...

Jannie ...I hope that you are doing OK at Cape May...it would be nice if it helps you a little...

Karen...you are probably not checking in because you had a very busy weekend scheduled...

DonnaB...wishing better things for you and your wrist...

everyone else... wishing something better for you all...there is nothing that I can do for you and it is such a helpless feeling...
I am so very sorry for all of your losses and wish that you were not in  so much pain...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 05, 2010, 09:03:34 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and everyone
   My son and his family just left, I was in a lousy mood again today, and I don't want to be angry, because I am not angry at anyone I am just feeling pretty mad lately,  I hope this passes as I don;t like it, I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate how I act, I have a miserable face on and I am very short tempered, and have no patience. What is this?    Jannie I hope you are in Cape May and you stood the weekend and are having a relaxing time,  Leo, I know what you mean, I know exactly every word you say what you mean, I don't know what to do either, I am lost I try to talk a little more, to get some of my feelings out, but I don't think it even helps.  I also avoided some people that I knew yesterday, and I don't know why, they knew about Johnny and I already spoke to them, I just didn't want to see them.  I hate this, I don't want to feel like this, it is horrible, where are they leo, I want to be with him, I don't want to be here. it is to hard. and I think it is getting worse instead of better, these feelings inside of me.  WHat is going to happen to us? 
Take Care
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Pete (UK) on June 06, 2010, 10:36:38 AM
Leo:

You seem to be doing all the same things I did/still do. I still like to get home and lock myself away most of the time. I spent today, the 2nd anniversary of losing my sweet Hetty, rambling around a car-boot sale (flea market?) I used to come here, in Southsea, Hampshire quite a lot with her, and the memories were pretty-much overwhelming. I've lost heart today and can't see where I'm heading.  I think it's good for you to talk it out, I often bore anyone with my trials and tribulations, but they are all good friends (at least all those who stick with me). I think you are doing better than you think Leo, it takes time for all of us, but you sound very strong to me. Be patient with youself, you're working hard at surviving this awful process and I know you will come through it,

Regards,
Pete (UK)
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 01:03:03 PM
Hello Pete,

Thank you for your very kind  thoughts...you must be the strong one to make it through 2 years...I have just been so devastated and the crying has reached such an intensity...today is day 86 for me and they have been my worst nightmare...it has been so difficult to get in bed at night...I have to force myself to stay there as I want to get up right away...but it is 12-1 A.M....no matter how late I go, I still wake up at the same time...about 5:30-6...if I do not get that time I really am in a fix health wise...I am staying as busy as I can but I frequently dwell on the fact that my wife is gone, I feel so shattered...it is such a gut wrenching, horrible feeling that makes me feel sick...

Yesterday when I met my friend in the home and garden center and he said that I looked really good...he should have been with me in the car today as I went back for more paint...I cried for almost the 15 minute drive there, talking to myself incoherently and a good part of the drive home...also at times when I was doing the painting...my insides feel raw, my head feels numb, the pain searing...how can I possibly project someone who looks good...I know that they want to be positive and say the right thing and I do not hold it against them but I just wish to stay by myself...
Again I am so sorry that you have experienced such a great loss an I wish to thank you for your kindness and encouragement...

Take care of yourself and best wishes for peace of mind...


Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on June 06, 2010, 04:01:59 PM
Good evening all,

Well, I made it through the Cape May trip.  I left on Friday morning and came home late last night (got in around 1:00 am).  It was a nice weekend, although hard to be social for such a long time.  I spent more time on the beach than I thought I would, but my friends are "beach people" and it was a hot weekend.  We had a couple of nice dinners and did a little shopping--it was nice to be with them since I haven't seen them in a long time, but I was glad to get back home again.  I slept so poorly on Friday night, so I told them I was going to go home after dinner on Saturday night which I had informed them of before we went.  Cape May is about 1 hr, 45 mins from where I live, so it wasn't too bad of a drive for me.  They live further north, and the drive for them is about double what it is for me, so they were staying the extra night.

As soon as I got into the car to leave, the "black hole" of my life took over again.  I started to cry as soon as I was on the road, but I decided that I had better keep my mind on my driving since there were thunderstorms and a lot of deer along the Parkway which I had to drive (I am terrified of them jumping out in front of my car)!  When I got home, I absolutely fell apart again, crying until I finally fell asleep around 3:00 am.  I spent today sleeping as late as I could, unpacking, doing laundry, and watering my flowers, herbs, and grass which were really drooping when I got home.  Leo, I don't know how you keep up with the maintenance on all those beautiful flowers!  I looked at your latest pictures, and they are so beautiful.  I am certain your wife would be so happy that you are keeping up with her garden.  I have a rosebush that I was ready to get rid of last summer because it wasn't doing well, and Charlie told me not to.  He brought it back to life, and I have been feeding it and taking care of it this year, and I noticed today that there are so many buds on it!  I think Charlie is watching over it for sure.

My friend Judy called me this afternoon and invited me to a concert on Tuesday afternoon which a few of our friends here from the Village are going to.  I'm not sure I want to go, and I told her I would let her know tomorrow.  It sounds like a good concert, but I am not sure I want to be that social again this soon.

Leo, thank you for the advice about the melatonin.  I think I might try and up the dosage a little.  I used to take Tylenol PM to sleep, but people have told me that taking too much of it can be harmful to the liver.  It used to help me sleep better than the melatonin, but maybe I need to take a higher dosage.  Wine (which I do drink nightly) is probably not helping me with the sleep issue either since it is a stimulant, I know. 

I think your friend Pete from the UK is right, Leo.  I think you are doing better than you think you are, and you and all of us here are working through this pain in our own different ways.  Hopefully, we will all survive and learn to deal with it in whatever way we can.  My friends were very understanding and patient with me this weekend--when I felt I needed to talk about my loss, they listened.  It was hard for me, and I cried every time I spoke about Charlie, but they understood.  I found that it was better for me not to talk about it and try to enjoy my time with them and to talk about their lives and struggles as well.  Last night we had a beautiful dinner and perhaps a little too much to drink, and I laughed more than I have laughed in at least 6 months, maybe more.

I hope you consider taking that trip to Italy in the fall.  I think it would do you good to get away for a little while and visit with your friends.  I am thinking about taking a cruise myself, maybe in October or November. 

Karen, I wish you luck with the medium.  I briefly looked at the website which Leo provided.  I will look more at it this week.  I hope he will bring you some peace of mind. 

I have to work all day tomorrow, so it will be a long day for me.  Then I am off until Wednesday afternoon.  Work is no substitute for what we have lost, but it does offer some respite from this misery that has become our lives. 

Wishing us all better days and peace tonight and tomorrow--that is as far as I can project for now.

Jannie
 
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 06:46:48 PM
Hello everyone,

Jannie , your trip to Cape may seemed beneficial from what you related...that's good...it seems good that you could relate to your friends and that they seem to understand...regarding sleep, if I do not get my 6 hours of sleep I am really in trouble...I can relate to your crying as I have been doing it so much.....also know what you mean by your " black hole"...when I was driving to Home Depot this morning I cried and babbled to myself for nearly the entire 15 minute drive and a good part of the drive home...spent another 5 hours today finishing up the painting of the patio ceiling...if I keep very busy it helps my mind a little but "all" still looms overhead ready to jump into play...when I finished painting and had everything cleaned up I asked myself "why"...I started to cry and talked to my wife and said you are not here to enjoy it so why am I doing it...I guess that I have to do something until it is my time to join my dear wife...just biding my time...
All the portraits or photos are finished, framed and hung...the art place did such nice work...after I hung the last one I cried and was so sad...what to do...you put them away and you miss out on looking at photos of your love at various stages of life...I have to deal with keeping them up...she is the world to me and I relive it everyday...how I wish that we could have had more...I know that we all feel that way...
I hope that the melatonin information helps you...if you ever have any need for any information on supplements I am happy to share always what I know...
I am happy that you enjoy the photos of the flowers...thank you for your kind words...my wife always brought so much joy to the community here...over the last 15 plus years so many people made it a point to stop by the back of our property and thanked her so much for her efforts with her flowers...it is her plan...her design...I am just doing the caretaker work for her...it is making me sad now as I sit here and cry...

Karen...how was today for you? So sorry about your moods...I too feel that I have little patience if any thing does not go exactly right as I see it...this has been occurring over the last several weeks...I get annoyed...sometimes chastising myself for not getting it right...
when you are so much in love and have such a wonderful life...where do we go...what do we do? How is there any meaningful continuation of our lives that is even close to what we have experienced...now I do not want to portray myself as " Nostradamus-like " in being able to predict the future but............
I have to find another large project to keep me occupied...the garden maintenance is a lot but I need more...

I think I will look at airline flights again after making my posts...

wishing you all a restful night and some peace of mind at some time...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 06, 2010, 07:57:14 PM
Hi Leo and Jannie
     I had a better day today, I was with friends and my husbands best friend since they were teens, I was very worried that it would be a hard day, but it turned out that the day went well, we talked and even laughed a little, we talked about other things, and that was good. I know what you mean Jannie, it is good to talk about others and when you want to talk about your love your friends are there to listen.  So I have went past another hurdle that i was worried about, seeing his closest friend and being with this bunch without him.  I also learned some breathing techniques from a yoga instructer, that is one of the friends that was there, maybe it will help me when I get that anxious breathing. I will try.  I don't feel that anger today, I think that all my feelings are staying internal, that is why my insides feel like a pretzel most of the time.  I have a group tomorrow night, well I better go let the dogs out, I was gone a long time today, I feel bad when I leave them so long.  Jannie I am glad that you had a good time with your friends, we are going to have to learn how to do this stuff, all new to us. 
Well have a good night
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 08:39:28 PM
Hello Karen,

I am happy that you experienced the day that you had with your friends...it sounds good and not having the anger would be good...and the laughing would seem to be very beneficial for you...

I have been looking at airline flights for a possible time away from home although the very thought right now does not excite me...to plan a trip without my dear wife is something that I have never done...I have very mixed emotions...it saddens me...she was always so excited when we were going away...if I do go I can only imagine how I will feel getting on the plane alone...right now it bothers me something terribly...again so very unfair that these traumatic situations were thrust upon all here...what a poor life design...such an inconsiderate way to treat people who are experiencing something so wonderful...absolutely makes no sense whatever to me...but then that is the life that we are stuck with...one never knows ...
I like our house and the garden and all of her pictures and things...I really hate to leave those behind...do not know...I am not crazy about all the people we know being around...I know that they care and mean well but I wish to be alone...

wishing you peace tonight and a better tomorrow...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 06, 2010, 09:22:57 PM
Hello to everyone,

I sit here at his late hour...yawning but delaying going to bed...over the last week or two my experience of sitting on the bed and getting ready to turn the last light off has been nothing short of nerve wracking...the sadness overwhelms me something terribly and I can not stop the tears...I am drinking my wine but I lament as I think that I should get to bed... I feel so very alone as time is passing me by and the thought that my loved one is gone...I think I will get more wine...

wish that you all fare better some day...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 05:46:02 AM
Hello everyone...

I am here to experience another day of sadness and pain in the world that I am wandering alone...after my final post last night I tried to go to bed for a second time and cried so that I got up, went to my computer again and started to write...I paused and deleted my draft and went to bed again...crying so much...how much has changed for the worse in my life as it has for everyone here...
It just started to rain but maybe I will go outside to do a little work anyway...I do not know which direction to turn...the sadness and crying are just eating away at my insides...I just have to  move...do something...I can not stand this feeling...the thought that I am without my wife forever...the memories, good and no so good, flash through my mind so rapidly...so many times I can not focus on any one...they keep changing so fast...her face...her smile...her kind words...her illness...

There is nothing to understand, or rhyme or reason, no justice...just the luck of the draw...a roll  of the dice...and our lives are so adversely affected forever...but the reality is nothing ever changes...

I was alone with my wife when she took her last breath, I hugged her and kissed her and that thrust me into dark days forever...again I use words but nothing helps...I keep pondering why go on...even if I improve 50% that still leaves me in a very bad neighborhood...there are friends that want to check on me but at times they want to relate some good things in their lives...I can understand it but I am in no mood to listen in my present state of mind...I feel so depressed...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on June 07, 2010, 06:08:10 AM
Hello Leo,  I feel your loss.  Everything I have been reading Leo, you really need to talk to someone.  Have you been to your Dr.  This type of deep depression is not good for you.  you know that your wife is in a better place.  I know my John feels great now with no more traveling back and forth to Tampa. no more hospitals, no more pills (about 26 a day is what he took because of the transplant) no more medication side affects,  he is able to breath with no more difficulty.  That is what I hold onto every day.  He did not want to live with his missery everyday any longer.   Just like your wife they hang on for us.  She is with you in your heart always.  Take one minute at a time.  Don't look forward or backwards.  You can not change what is already done.  Leo, please go to your Dr.  Just because you are able to face a minute without crying doesn't mean that you don't miss her or love her.  Be good to yourself and rest.  Susan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on June 07, 2010, 06:19:01 AM
Leo,  One last thing.  when it rains we get depressed.  Try to think of it this way.  Your loving wife and God is raining their love down on you trying to take your pain away. washing you clean.   rain in someways can be healing.  Look the rain is feeding your wifes beautiful garden that you help her with.  that makes her happy so why should't you.  Get some rest.  Susan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 08:38:50 AM
Hello Susan,

Thank you for your messages and I appreciate your input and thoughts...

I do not have a physician...I have not been to one in about 40 years...I take care of myself and have not had any health issues, colds or the like...never any prescriptions...flu shots...no aspirin or anything...so far it has worked for me...I do not wish to delegate my health care to anyone else...I feel that I have sufficient knowledge and can support my decisions with valid scientific information when I decide which way I choose to go and have to live with where ever it leads me...that is just my approach and way of looking at my being...I am not judging any one's philosophy...I respect their decision to follow the road they choose...everyone has somewhat of a different view as to how they interpret a situation but it is based on how their mind operates...

wishing you well,

Leo

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 08:39:55 AM
Hello everyone,

The rain is coming down too hard and I did  not go outside...it is very steamy...I did add a few more flower photos to my album...I was able to take get a picture of one of the gladiolas when a bumble bee ( Bombus ) was collecting nectar and pollen...that seems like such a simple life...collecting all day long...they are one of the hardest workers...one of the very first out working in the garden every morning and one of the last to stop working in the evening...

http://www.photoshop.com/user/fiorigiardino/?rlang=en_US&wf=shareslideshow&galleryid=cf8011b0be9643c7b58568f780920519&trackingid=BTAGC

wishing you well...

Leo

Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 07, 2010, 03:12:08 PM
leo,

you really do have some beautiful flowers and i am sure they are just as pretty as your wife--it sounds as though she has such a kind heart--i know we are all stuggling to get through the lost of loved ones and it is different for all of us--as we try to cope with this pain and the hole in our hearts--the love that we have for our loved ones is so deep and when they leave us it is so unbearable--some of us have to face this battle alone--while others have family and close friends nearby to help them--my crying never stops--sometimes it may not visible on the outside but i am always crying on the inside--i am wishing you some kind of peace to help you through your grieving

penny
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 06:44:08 PM
Hello Penny,

Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words...they mean a lot and I really appreciate them... my wife would be so pleased that you liked her flowers...my wife had such a kind heart and everyone in our community thought the world of her...she truly was a gem among gems and I have lost her...I am so lost without her...
I can sympathize with your pain and sadness for much of what you express is what I have been going through for the last 87 days...I can relate too when you say crying on the inside...when I spoke to my friend the other day I guess I sounded coherent from what he said to me...but I told him it hurts so badly on the inside and yet I did not feel that he understood...why would I think that he would anyway because he still has his spouse...he tried to be very kind during our brief conversation...
I try to post more flower pictures as new flowers come up...

wishing you some so much better...we all deserve something after these tragic losses...take care of yourself...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 07, 2010, 08:42:18 PM
Hi Leo, Jannie, and all
     Today was a strange day for me, I was with friends of ours yesterday and it went well, but today I got up, had to make a few phone calls to the union and social security, on hold to long, got a little frustrated from that I thought, and had a full blown anxiety attack, had to take a xanex, and stop doing everything for a while, then started to feel better, then tonight my son called and I broke down and said stupid things to him, like I didn't want to be here anymore, so I upset him, today was a terrible day, I don't know what happened. I didn't even go to the grief counseling meeting tonight, I just didn't want to.  I hope I wake up better tomorrow, today was a real true roller coaster. very scary.
   I don't know what we are going to do?
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: zxcv on June 07, 2010, 09:06:23 PM
leo, I am the one that is sorry and I didn't mean to step on your toes.  I am reading a book named  God's Plan for Your Life over coming grief.  when I read it I not only thought of myself but also of you.  this is what it said.
SOMETHING TO REMEMBER:  Depression is serious business, and it's a highly treatable disease...treat it that way. 
That is why I asked about if you have seen a Dr. not to interfear with you health concerns.  Writing on this site is good for people attempting to overcome grief.  putting it int words is very theraputic.  Keep it up ok. God Bless Susan
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 09:26:44 PM
Hello Karen,
So very sorry that you had such a disheartening day...that is too bad...we are under so much stress that at times it is so difficult to contain ourselves...I had a similar though smaller incident...I was at the cashiers in the grocery store today...she was about halfway through my order when a man came over and wanted to know something about wine...she stops ringing up my order and walks about 40 feet away, picks up the store phone to contact someone about the wine question...I was ready to walk  out of the store and leave with half of my order bagged and in the cart...I told myself to cool it...she should have just told him to go over to the customer service counter and ask his question...after all that he calls out to her and says never mind he found the wine that he was looking for on the shelf...I guess there will always be these tests in life but we will find that we may not be able to tolerate them as we would have in our normal, happy lives...
I too have been on the phone to take care of things over the last few months and it does get unnerving wading through all those voice teleprompters and the variety of questions before you get to a person...
I know about saying certain things when I am bothered but I have no one to upset because I say them to myself when I look into a mirror...
I had an uneventful day otherwise...it rained a lot so I was outside for a very short time...

Jannie, I hope slept well and that your day at work went OK...I did look at airline flight schedules and the scary thing is that so many of the seats on the international flights are still empty and available...did add a few more flower photos...that is it and now for the most difficult part of my day...getting into bed and turning the last light out...

Donna...hope that you are OK...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 07, 2010, 09:31:17 PM
Hello Susan,

I understand and it was very nice of you to consider me...I think that the stresses of our situations take a toll...I know that they do on me...we all have such trauma that I find I have to learn to be more tolerant...thanks again...

wishing you well and hoping that you find some peace of mind...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on June 08, 2010, 08:31:31 AM
Good morning all,

Just a quick post to say hello.  I need to get going and get some work done outside today.  I decided not to go to the concert this afternoon for that reason, so I need to do what I have to while the weather is cooperating.  It is a beautiful, cool day here, perfect for working outside.

Sunday night I had a good night's sleep, so I was ready for a full day at work yesterday.  The day went well, and it is good to be "out of myself" for those hours and talk with other people.  My job involves being pleasant and selling a product all day long, so I have no choice.  After work I stopped to pick up a few groceries and met a woman I know who lost her husband four years ago.  She has moved on with her life and keeps very busy, but she still misses him a lot.  I guess the key is to try and keep busy, involve ourselves with something other than our loss, and keep moving on even though our lives will never be the same again.  There really is no other choice (there is, but I hope that none of us are even considering that alternative).

I got through the entire day without crying yesterday until I went to bed last night, then the floodgates opened for me.  I know this is a roller coaster ride of emotions which will continue for a long, long time for all of us, but crying is part of healing; and we should not try to suppress those feelings when they hit us.

Karen, I was just reading something that Hope Hospice sent me in the mail today called "Steps to Survival":  IT'S OKAY TO FEEL ANGER--Everyone acts angry at the loss of love.  Channel it wisely, and it will go away as you heal.  Kick on a bed.  Yell and scream when you're alone.  Run and play hard games.  Hit a punching bag.  Play the piano.    

I know we can't do everyone of these things, but at least we know that it is normal to feel the way we do.  I am always losing my patience with everyone and everything, and I am swearing more than I ever did, but I know that it is the grief that is causing me to do these things, and that one day I will get control again.  I hope that you have a much better day today.

Leo, I feel your pain in all your posts.  I don't want to offer you any advice because I know you will reject it out of hand, so I will just keep quiet.  You need to figure things out for yourself as you said.

Your recent photos of your garden are just beautiful.  Your garden is truly lovely.  I hope you spend some time sitting in it and admiring it as well as working in it so many hours.  

These are difficult economic times for so many people, and many of them have curtailed their travel.  That is the reason you are seeing so many empty seats on the flights, I think.  That should not stop you from going though if you want to go.  Look at it as a reason to be more comfortable on the flight with less people.

These are such awful days for all here, and I am glad that I can come here to read and vent although I know that it does not change things and is not a substitute for human (not computer) contact with friends and others.  I dreaded going back to work a few weeks ago, and I dreaded going away this past weekend, but both things turned out reasonably well, and I am glad I made the effort because it has helped.  The pain I feel over Charlie's loss is always there, but the agony and gut-wrenching feelings are starting to ease just a little since I got out of this house and away from myself.

Well, I have been on here longer than I wanted to be, so I am going to close now--my eyes are starting to fill with tears as I finish this.

Wishing all of you the strength to deal with your individual situation today and in all the days ahead.  Have a pleasant and peaceful day,

Jannie



Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: leo on June 08, 2010, 11:04:56 AM
Hello Jannie,

Today has not been a very good day for me at all...so your message caught me at a most inappropriate time...

No need to be concerned about me rejecting any suggestion out of hand any more...as this will be my last post...I feel that the best thing we can do for someone is listen to them and sympathize with them...

To everyone, thank you all very much for your understanding, kind words and your sympathies...I am so sorry for all of your losses...I wish everyone some peace and something better in your lives to help you along after the tragedies that you have endured...

Leo
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: Jannie on June 08, 2010, 01:30:24 PM
Leo,

I am sorry if my post upset you.  It just seems that you are so determined to deal with this in your own way, and you seem to dismiss any suggestions that some of us may offer you to ease your acute grief.  I apologize if I upset you, and I don't want you to stop posting because of anything I might have said, so let me be the one to stop posting (not you) in the thread which you started.

I am very sympathetic, Leo, to your loss, as I am to everyone on here, that is why we want to help each other.  I hear you spiraling downwards every day, and it upsets me.  I just do not believe we can do this by ourselves, and I have been there once before, so I know what I am saying.

Wishing you all the peace you deserve in whatever way you are comfortable with.

Jannie
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: closs86 on June 08, 2010, 07:46:42 PM
Hi Leo and Jannie,
      Leo I hope you don;t stop posting, I look forward to hearing from you and Jannie every day, I will miss it, what is wrong today leo, can we help you with anything?  It is just an extra bad day, maybe tomorrow will be a little better. I think I left a post yesterday, It was a terrible day for me, all day into the night, and then I woke up today, and was in a different way, and felt better.  So Jannie is right it is a horrible emotional roller coaster.  I hope you change your mind and  come back.
      Jannie I am happy to hear that it is normal the anger, because it scared me, but today I felt better, no anger, and calmer.  I met some friends and was out most of the day, and was just in a better frame of mind,  I have to work tomorrow, so that is good, work and all the people around, is good.
      I pray that we all get through this in peace, and that the bad days and roller coaster gets less and less, our loved ones would want us to do that.
Take care
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: Lost my beloved
Post by: to young to be a widow on June 09, 2010, 11:20:12 AM
leo,

please come back and continue to post--even though i am still in the early stages of my grief and depression--it was because of your post to me that i was able to get something in my system and keep it down--i may not be able to offer words of comfort to you are anyone else yet since i am still in the early stages myself--but we all have something in common here and that is to share with each other the pain and misery we are feeling--so pleas ecome back--we all still need to hear from you

penny
Title: Re: Lost my beloved: Please Read!
Post by: Terry on June 11, 2010, 01:36:08 PM
Please feel free to start a "New Topic" as this thread has been locked. If anyone has any questions or concerns, contact me as soon as the need arises and I'll be happy to help in any way I can!

Thank You!

Love,
Terry