Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Motherof3 on March 18, 2010, 06:30:37 AM

Title: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Motherof3 on March 18, 2010, 06:30:37 AM
I would like all to see the picture of My youngest daughter Rachel. The little girl with her is her daughter Kaylee that she left behind. Rachel committed suicide on Feb. 5th 2010 by hanging herself. There are so many things that just eat away at the very core of my being. The fact that she wasn't found until 3 days later...the violent way that she picked to end her life..the fact that I had to identify her....she looked so bad. That is an image that I will never get out of my head!! Let me tell you a little about Rachel... she was very much a "girl"... a Miss Prissy as I used to call her...everything had to be perfect. I would say 95% of the time she had on a dress and heels..hell she even wore them to the park. Her car license plate was even...PERFEXN. Her death was even planned out to what she thought would be perfect...she made sure everything that she wanted was known.... she left notes...even a list of who she wanted to get what...she left her cell phones on her bed so I could find them...the clothes she wanted to wear..the shoes(yes,it was a dress and heels) the jewelry she wanted to wear and a picture of her daughter that she wanted put in her casket with her. The note she left for me.... her last line was....Mommie, just make sure I look pretty,ok. Her funeral was closed casket because of the time span it was to find her and the damage that had been done to her neck. So all I could do was to make sure she had her picked out clothes that she wanted. That breaks my heart that I truly couldn't fill her last request of me. I don't ever see this as getting any easier to cope with but I am told that in time it will. All I can do is pray that it will...everyday is a day that I feel that I can't even breathe.
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Terry on March 18, 2010, 10:07:13 AM

I read this with tears. Thank You for sharing Rachel's story. I know this was difficult for you and it's also healthy to be able to write this down, to write all of your feelings down. Have you started a journal? For a long time, I would just jot this-and-that down on scraps of paper, napkins, then I bought a huge pack of paper. Now I have a tower of journals.

It's difficult to even breathe, I understand that. And, at times I had to remind myself to 'breathe.' Sounds like such a simple thing to others who can not understand this pain. Everything we feel after losing a child is anything but simple.

I, along with others who have lost a child can and do offer wonderful and life-saving advice and this is because we all wish that we would have done all of the 'little things' for ourselves in the beginning and taken better care of ourselves. I can remember so many; taking the time out each day to be alone with our thoughts; enjoying a long, hot bath; listening to your favorite music, soothing, relaxing music; taking long walks; eating well and resting, if sleep is not an option. These are all very important as they relate to our well being, both emotionally and physically. Grief/pain zaps our resources and affects our immune systems.

Losing a child takes from us. Robs us of everything we held sacred and pure; Life. Peace of mind and spirit. Time.

The image of the last time we saw our child; I still struggle with this after 7 years.  At any given time I can be brought right back to the ER and I see him, the markings on my baby due to the violent way he died...I can still hear my own screams. But, it is not as intense and I have learned to focus on Jeff's smile and the deep love we felt for one another. But, that took time. This all takes a lot of time, Gale.

Kaylee is precious to you, I know and she is old enough to remember her Momma very well. She looks to be the same age as Jeff's daughter was when he died. It is so difficult for these little ones to understand. There are many wonderful books for children explaining where their Mom's and Dad's go when they leave this earth. I will pm you with the titles.

And, regarding Rachel's last wish and your feeling that you have not honored that, you have. You did the very best you could and what I would have done, too. Please be kind to yourself.

Thank You, again for sharing Rachel with us. I agree that she was a girly, girl in every sense. So very pretty, too.

I'm so sorry, Gale that you have to live without your sweet girl. Just know that you are never alone and you will always have a hand to pull you up and a shoulder to lean on.

None of us chose this life but here we are and we are surviving, one day at a time. And, mostly we are surviving because of love. The love of our children, that never dies. The love of friends who never forsake us in our time of need. Love of self, which it's necessity will become more evident over time.

You have my Love and always, loving thoughts of Rachel. Hugs & Love to Kaylee.
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Motherof3 on March 18, 2010, 12:40:54 PM
Kayle is 7 yrs. old. She lives with her father and other grandmother. They do have her in therapy for this. She tells the therapist that her mommy isn't dead that she's just on vacation and is coming home. 2 weeks ago they took her to disney world. When they are waiting at the airport for their plane...kaylee wanted to call her friends to let them know that she was on her way home. She called a few and then got real quiet, her grandma took the phone to shut it off before getting on the plane. hit talk by mistake.... last # showed up. Kaylee had tried to call her mommy. I feel so much pain that Rachel will never see her little girl grow up. I was there when she was born..she is so precious... just like her Mother. Rachel had done a perfect job in raising her!!
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: lwuest on March 19, 2010, 10:09:33 PM

I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Rachel.  I know it is so hard to share, but we are here to listen.

Terry posted that she is in tears as she posts and I feel the same way as I look at the beautiful picture of Rachel and Kaylee.

Please, Momof3 be as gentle with yourself as you can.  Your emotions are so raw and open.  Let them all come out.  Anger, sadness, guilt...just being physically wrung out from grief! This is a very safe place to let all those emotions out.  We don't judge.

 Momof3 please consider going to Compassionate Friends.  It's free and it's for parents who have lost a child.  Go to www.compassionatefriends.org to find a meeting near you.

Momof3, you are in my prayers.  Please post when you are able.

Hugs, Linda

Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on March 20, 2010, 05:57:52 AM
Thank you for sharing with us about your beautiful daughter. The picture shows two beautiful girls your granddaughter is also adorable.

When your able do come here and share your feelings good or bad. We understand.

Dottie Tammie's Mom
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Dena on March 20, 2010, 05:16:14 PM

Thank you for sharing Rachel's story with us.  I know how hard it is and it is a very big step.  I agree with Terry - journaling is such a huge help. I had an angel catcher journal to help me begin. 

Such a beautiful photo and so heartbreaking.  Kaylee is so precious and it will take her a lot of time and a lot of love to begin to come to terms with losing her Mom. 

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Landons Mom Shelly on March 22, 2010, 02:16:19 PM
Hi Gale,

Along with everyone here, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Rachel.  I sent you a private message.

God bless...
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: LaVonne on March 24, 2010, 06:25:05 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing her photo. They are both beautiful. Thanks for telling her story ,I know it was so hard but it helps with the healing. Bless you and sending hugs  LaVonne
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: KatEngland on March 28, 2010, 05:06:37 PM
This post quite literally made me gasp for breath. I could never imagine..we lost Ian as a baby..but this..so hard. Darling...my god..what can I say? I wish you some measure of...oh god..what do i say...some measure of... internal peace..of knowing you did what you could. I AM SO SORRY.
Title: Re: My Daughter Rachel
Post by: Annette on April 16, 2010, 10:09:51 PM
Dear Gale,

I'm so very sad and sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. How terribly painful it must be for you and her little girl. I'm glad you have found the board, it really will help you feel less alone in your grief as this is a very lonely grief (losing a child). My prayers are for you and your girls tonight.