Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Donnys Dad on February 21, 2010, 10:00:38 AM

Title: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Donnys Dad on February 21, 2010, 10:00:38 AM
Not sure if any of you have felt like this but it sure has hit me hard.  Donny is approaching the 6 year mark that he left me in June 2004.  I knew when I found him my life was over.

Since June of 2004 I have developed diabetes and must take insulin, doctor gives me so many pills but nothing works for my severe depression.  Am so short of breath, have develped PADD (Peripheal Artery Disease in both legs and can now walk only about 4o yards until the excruciating pain hit.  I get severe dizzy spells and have fallen down several times.  There is more but you must be getting bored by now.

I have no strength or desire to do anything.  When Donny was here I would cut grass with him each day and work on his new house.  Oh how I loved being with him doing things.

I just feel like I am useless and a big burden on my family.  My wife and daughter are doing everything I just to be able to do.  I have become a 6'4" 265 Blob.  Life was so good up until June of 2004, now I can't wait until it ends.

Sorry for such a depessing Post but was just wondering if anyone else has gone thru this.  Take care my Friends

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Brenda Taylors Mom on February 21, 2010, 12:50:51 PM
Don, I have felt that way many many times. I have more health problems now than I ever have in my entire life. I wish I could just give up, but I keep going, just like you. I'm sorry you have those medical problems going on all at once. I think depression and grief affect our immune system horribly. I think of your Donny every day. I feel like him and Taylor are very close and buddies. Let the ones who love you take care of you, you have taken care of them all your life. I'm sorry, this whole existence seems useless sometimes. I know what I've said didn't lighten you up, but I know how you feel.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Dena on February 21, 2010, 01:20:03 PM

I totally understand where you are coming from. Today, I looked at a picture of my family, Josh included, a few years prior to his death.  The difference is stunning.  Since Josh's death, I have had issues with depression & anxiety.  I also have asthma/copd - but they havent figured out which it is yet. 

Grief takes such a toll on us. You are not boring at all -we all need to vent and it is important. 

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: quint906 on February 21, 2010, 02:08:14 PM
Hi Don.  It's been a long time.  I know how you feel.  Unfortunately my situation if that "everybody" needs me and depends on me.  I've pretty much shut myself off from friends and family for the last three years.  As far as illnesses go, I don't go to the doctor.  My thinking is "what's meant to be will be".  I miss Cory so much and I'm watching life go on around me.  This void I feel is mine and mine alone.  I just go through the motions.  I keep hearing that Cory is still with me but yet, why can't I feel his presence?  This might sound strange, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.  I think of you, and my friend Jo (Wades Mom) often but it's just so hard to burden you with my erractic moods.  I keep waiting for some kind of change, but it's just not happening.  Someday, huh?
Please try to be strong.  You were there for me when I first came here and opened up your heart to welcome me.  You will always be in my heart and thoughts.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Annette on February 21, 2010, 02:38:14 PM
Yes, my health has gone downhill and I've gained so much weight (after initially dropping quite a bit when Michael died). I'm bigger than I ever was and I have PTSD. Of course menopause hitting me probably hasn't helped. I often think it will be a blessing when I die, even for my surviving son. He, of course, does not see if that way, and it just kills me that having him isn't enough... hard to explain... I've always even been closer to my surviving son, but the pain is so great and so dominant in my life that it's very hard to even feel like I'm a mom (and I feel bad saying that, because I'm fortunate to have a child living). I feel so dead inside.

I'm the oldest girl in my family and have the oldest kids, but my sister's son (who got married last year) just found out his adorable wife is pregnant. I burst into tears and just feel the loss. I can't feel happy about their new baby, but know I should. I know I will feel happy, but the loss of the grandchildren I will never have with Michael is killing me. I'm so selfish. I haven't been able to call my sister and say anything to her. She has 6 kids. I always wanted more, but circumstances prevented it, and I had two wonderful boys. Everyone tells me to be happy for the child I still have. I love him terribly, but my pain is just so great, I know I don't think straight.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Debh on February 21, 2010, 03:35:12 PM
Don I am sorry to read about your illnesses. Our health can go downhill, its heck getting old and grief takes a toll on us. I have been down over two years now, everytime I go to the doctor something new developes. I spend most of my time out at the doctors. I try and keep busy with things I can do, if I didn't have that I would go totally bonkers.

I also have spells of depression. Fortunatley I know the signs and try to get out before it takes me to the pit of darkness. I hope they can find something to help you with depression, its so hard to live with depression. I ended up going to a Physchiatrist to find the right depression meds for me, something that would work with all my other meds. I am doing pretty good now. You might try that if you haven't.  Physchitrist only suscribe meds here.

Donny was a huge part of you life, grief takes a person in all kind of directions, your health can also. I wish we lived closer I would come over and play cards or something with you. It helps so much to find good and  some fun in each day. It can be difficult to do at times.

Wish I had the answers Don. Only have what worked for me.

 Know I care and understand.

Love Deb
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Katie--Adam's Mom on February 21, 2010, 07:20:02 PM
Dear Don,

I'm so sorry to hear of all the health issues you are suffering.  I think it is fairly *normal* for us bereaved parents, sadly.  At least for my husband and I it is the way it is now.  Hubby had emergency heart surgery (only 2 days into his new job so he lost that) 3 years ago.  His surgeon and all of his doctors blame the stress of losing Adam for accelerating what had been a minor condition into critical heart failure.  We both have depression, I have had one health scare after another and just had my blood pressure (that was always extremely low) go thru the roof 2 minutes into a stress test.  Not to mention all the auto-immune junk that is stress induced.  We take meds, meds and more meds, monitor this, monitor that... way too much for people our ages.

Please try not to feel like a burden, or guilty because you are experiencing what happens to so many of us.  Do what you can and just work with your doctors to find what helps.  We all have enough pain, guilt and stuff without beating ourselves up over the toll that grief takes on our health.

Take gentle care and know that I am thinking of you, Donny and your family.

Love & hugs,
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: MelissaCharliesMom on February 22, 2010, 05:23:54 PM
Please know I think of you often...you and Donny, since Charlie and Donnie share June 2004 as angel dates....the days our lives, as they were, ended!!!I am so sorry youre going through a difficult time with health issues and depression and the overwhelming sadness that follows us everywhere we go. Just know I care and am sending thoughts of peace and strength your way.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: WendyRN on February 23, 2010, 12:13:17 AM
Don, I'm just so sorry.  For you and for all of us.  Sending you the strength to get through these dark days of depression and hope you find a light.  Life will never be what it was and you will always miss your son and all the things you shared.  It sounds like you had an extraordinarily strong relationship with Donny.  The fact that you and your doctor continue to seek the right combination of medications that will hopefully lift the worst of the depression is encouraging.  Take gentle care of yourself while you continue to work through this. 

Grieving so hard takes such a toll and is complicated by spiralling health concerns.  Somehow you have to find the strength to continue fighting for your health.  For myself, I believe I have aged 10 years in the  2 1/2 years since Keith's been gone.  My weight has been on a steady incline for the past couple of years and I seem powerless to smarten up.  Depression and anxiety don't help with constant G.I. tract problems either.  But so far no serious effect on my health. 

I encourage you to continue contributing here whenever you feel the need.  We're here for you as you have been here for so many others.  Sometimes its ALL we can do.

Wendy, Keith's mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Paula, Tims Mom on March 01, 2010, 09:09:46 AM
Sorry to know how hard you are struggling, Don. I don't even dare get my health checked, I'm afraid of the answers.
I hate the weight gain and depression. I know I'm in denial and illogical given that I've got familiy that needs me but-eh?
I have kind of decided to do one small thing this spring, take a class that makes me move. Tim would want me to to get and stay healthier
for whatever ime I have left.
Take Care- know that I care.
God Bless.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Ramona on March 03, 2010, 09:11:48 PM
Dear Don,

I came to this board soon after losing my son Tim and stayed for almost seven years.  The support here meant the world to me.  I have also come and read posts on and off afterwards and saw your truly heartfelt and loving posts about your son Donny.   A fathers love is great and so is the loss of a son.  I saw the struggles within my husband.  It is a slow process.  And some time our focus remains inward and we forget about the outward process of our life and that includes our body and health.

In the beginning we can more easily release the pain through the constant grieving that comes.  As time goes on it become more of an inward process where it can become stuck inside us.  I found this quote in my journal further down the road where I said:  "I seem to be searching and trying to stretch my soul.  And yes still grieveing.  There just comes a time when the grief isn't expressed so much outward but felt so deep within your soul. During these times we do need to recognize our soul work.  Because just holding in the pain so deeply can make us ill."  It was during this time I began to search for ways to relieve the stress in  my body, doing some body work with regards to to my health. 

I hope you can talk to your doctor and get on a program to work on your health.  It is a choice we have to sometimes make on this road with grief.  We don't stop loving or missing our child when we start focusing on the other parts of our life.  It is just part of the process of going foward.  At the same time knowing, as we go forward we are moving on in our life tgowards them!   I love that thought, I am not leaving my son behind but moving on towards him.

Don I am sorry for your loss.  Donny is such a handsome youngman and what a smile.  Take of his father, your deserve this care at this time in your grief.  You have worked so very hard with all you have given to this board.  I hope you can find it within yourself to take some time to deal with your health issues.

Take care, Ramona Tim's Mom

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: WendyRN on March 04, 2010, 12:00:27 AM

Your advice is full of wisdom for Don.  I'm listening too.  You make sense to me.  Your words are what I know.  But just can't seem to incorporate into my life.  Does this dog-tired fatigue ever stop?  I'm tired of ....... everything.

Wendy, Keith's mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Carol A on March 04, 2010, 05:41:08 PM
I've gained over 30 lbs since Vikki died. My knees ache too...I think from
the extra weight but also because It's all I can do sometimes to get out of bed and be happy about the day.
I have my grandkids, my other daughter and lord knows I want to be there
for them, it's just living with this void, this hole in my heart isn't easy.
Don..you are much more than your weight, your knee problems. You are a wonderful, loving man who lost his son. If you are like me , sometimes you feel guilty when you have a good day. I know I do. I feel guilty that I could have done more. I should have seen things that I missed. So...I punish myself. Pain of any sort is an indication of guilt [ in my opinion] Guilt always seeks punishment and punishment creates pain. Sometimes it's buried so deep inside we are not even aware of it . I know it's a useless emotion and never makes anyone feel better..and it doesn't change the situation.
I was told this by someone - I realized I felt guilty for lots of things, being
overweight, useless, bad knees, bad back...
They told me " your sentence is over , so let yourself out of prison...forgive myself.*
You know what Don, it's not easy but I have a feeling Vikki would want me to live life, to be as happy on earth as I can be.
I think Don would feel the same. Something tells me where they are, they are looking at us and saying * LIVE!!! - We'll see you one day - until that day, LIVE*
So - I try. I hope you know you are are NOT useless ..and you are not a burden.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: laurenE on March 06, 2010, 06:33:57 PM
Donnys Dad,

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.  I will pray for you, that this burden of depression will lift.   Depression is such a horrible horrible thing to deal with.  Please continue to reach out to professionals,  ministers,  friends,  etc so that they can hold you up until your depression lifts.    Please dont even consider doing any harm to yourself, as your posts are read by many here who would be so sad without you.  I know your family has been through so much in the loss of your son.  If you were not around you would hurt them all deeply..deeper than the pain they have already endured.  Sometimes in our deep depression we forget that.   Please dont. 
We are here for you.  And we do understand the deep depression that you suffer from.  We are lifting you up with loving arms (picture us lifting you up by your shirt collar :) )   holding you til you can get back on your feet again.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Terry on March 07, 2010, 10:46:29 PM

Please don't ever feel that you are boring anyone and I'm sorry you feel as if you're a burden on your family. I'm sure they don't feel that way.

These 'dates' of remembering are like demons with razor sharp claws that rip apart the lining of our souls. They have no mercy.
Health problems complicate our grief/our grief causes health problems. Any outside stressors seem to manifest themselves like an event playing out in dark, distorted detail and a frightening, chest-clenching fear, robbing us of the much needed focus, peace and sanity we need just to be able to survive.

This is where I come, Don when what I am feeling, I couldn't dare share with another.

Once when sharing of my feelings with my sister, she hastily replied, "You shouldn't 'talk' that way. You shouldn't 'think' that way. You really need someone to 'talk to'." And, I very frustratingly replied, "I AM talking with someone but she's NOT LISTENING!!!!!"

We're all listening here, Don. Nothing you share will shock anyone here. Or bore anyone.  Or frighten anyone. These are 'real' feelings and I found none of this depressing. We need to talk about 'all' of our feelings, just as you have done here.

Thank you for sharing your heart and know that I love you, Don.

With loving thoughts of your precious Donny,

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Dena on March 11, 2010, 05:33:09 AM
Hi Don,

I have been thinking of you.  My husband was just in the hospital. He was in diabetic crisis- a new diabetic. It isn't the way you want to find that out. He also has issues with his blood pressure.  You are not alone.  After a while on this journey, the grief seems to turn inward and it takes such a terrible toll on us.

Please take care of you.

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Terry on March 11, 2010, 10:55:12 AM
Hi Dena,

Is your husband out of the hospital? I'm glad he's doing much better. What a scare for you, I'm sure.

Hi Don.

I am thinking of you, too and sure wish I had some sound advice to offer but something I was thinking about was this weather. Winter, and how I suffer from seasonal depression and did not take note of detail this year regarding the lighting in my home. It really did make a difference.

Being cooped up in the house and being so limited as to our activities affects our health. Has your situation worsened over the winter months?

I know there's not one single answer and there is NO solution, as the only one would be to have our children back. But, so many factors do affect our immune systems, our emotional states and our will to even 'want' to feel better. I know that's the case for me.

Maybe when the weather breaks you may feel like starting another or adding to Donny's garden. I do this every year and for me it's good therapy. Anything physical. I know it's the push that we need to get us started, to get us 'out there' but once we climb that mountain, it seems to get a bit easier.

Just throwing that out there because I care.

My Love,
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Brenda(Jessica's Mom) on March 14, 2010, 11:33:05 AM
((Don)) June of 2004 changed me too. I can relate to you feeling useless. Many days I find myself muddling thru the day, attemtping to busy myself with mondane tasks and not caring about anything at ALL. Its like my brain has overloaded and went on auto pilot, and my heart is so heavy it is a burden to get out of bed. Ive been told that we all have a purpose here, I just have no idea what the heck my purpose is, other than to cook and clean. BUT, not all my days are like this, there is an occasional day when my heart feels a bit lighter, and I can find a small measurable light, so I keep plugging on. I try my hardest to remember that things could be worse. I look at the devestation in haiti, chile, etc, and try to be thankful I didnt lose more than I have. I guess thats all we CAN do, is try. Sending you hugs Don!
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: SueH on March 19, 2010, 02:42:33 PM
Hi Don,
I can't remember my last post on this forum, but it has been a long long long time ago.
I decided to just pop in today and see if anything jumped at me. Your post did.
Your story seems, like it could be my husbands story. So.. I think all in all, what you are feeling is what most do as well.
I know it just sucks... But still  there is something to live for... there is a purpose to all this... one day we'll find out.
My life these past 8 years have not changed in anyway.. I STILL feel like I did in 2001. Lots of terrible health issues between me, my husband and my surviving son. My father just passed away a few months ago... and last week my niece committed suicide.. only 23.... it just never ends.  But.. still I must go on, for my son and husband. So.. with all the sadness and depression that I and my family endures.. we TRY and find something.. to help get us by another day.
I know that Sara would NOT want us to be living the life we have... so that helps us to make a change to do something fun... even if it's only once in a while...
Take care...
Sue *Sara's* Mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Terry on March 19, 2010, 07:13:41 PM
Hi Sue,

It sure has been awhile and thought I'd pop in and say hi and also that I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad and your niece. Just heartbreaking. ((((( Sue )))))

And, you're right, it just keeps on coming. I've had to deal with the same, here. Too many losses and it seems since I'm/we're getting older and our hearts have already taken a beaten, it almost feels as if any further loss is unsurvivable. But, we know that's not true because we're all surviving and most of us are actually, living.

I shared with a friend just recently what you mentioned in your post, that your life has not changed since Sara's death. And, in a way it's true for me, too. In the sense that the pain is still there as I carry it everywhere but the difference is I don't fight it any longer and I'm able to live 'with' it.  Now, if I didn't 'feel' the pain, I would probably seek some professional help. Pain won't kill us. Not feeling it, can and does.

On a more positive note, I, and I know many here, have come a long way. And, it's awesome to see and hopeful for those new on this journey to know that their lives will not always feel so unmanageable. So uncertain. And, I hope that that is felt in my posts when offering comfort to another here because although I never hold back on sharing my pain, I also freely share of the joy and the peace and the love that I have  'rediscovered'  when returning to life after a very long time away, from me.

And, although it's not the life we thought we would be living and at this stage in our lives, it's our life and we must do the best we can with each day. I agree with you 100% with finding a little fun. Bringing joy into another's life is so fulfilling. And, the most precious is being surrounded by those we love and who love us.

I always enjoy reading your posts, Sue. You are always so straight-forward and always, real.

I'm glad you stopped in and don't be a stranger. Being further along and already experiencing so much, you have still, so much to offer to others. We all need others to be there when we reach out and visa-versa because we all remember, and only too well, what it was like for us those first weeks, months and even the earlier years. I'm thankful that you, Sue and so many others were there for me and now it's time to give back the love/support, even though going 'back there' can be painful, I find it to still be very healing.

It was wonderful to see Sara's beautiful smile.
Love & Hugs,
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: laurenE on March 23, 2010, 05:40:59 PM

Are you still around?  Please let us know how you are doing. We care for you here.

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Donnys Dad on March 24, 2010, 08:21:05 AM
Thank you for your posting.  Yes I am still around for another lonely empty day.  Just waiting to be back with my Buddy.

Thank you again for caring, it means a lot.....................

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: laurenE on March 24, 2010, 03:34:31 PM
Hey Don!

Im glad you are still here.  I hope you find friends to reach out to (b/c they dont know what we need until we let them know)  and something enjoyable to do this week.  (even if you have to force yourself to get out and do it).

Thanks for posting!  It was really good to see you again!
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: LaVonne on March 24, 2010, 06:16:15 PM

I will keep you in my prayers. This is a terrible time right now for you and yes we have all been there. Depression can be very bad and sometimes we need to seek help to get us through. I was on them for years and now I have been off everything except high blood pressure pills for 3 to 4 years. I still work and keep very busy so don't let myself think. When I do get down I have a great support group at work and home.  I miss my son very much but I also know I can't do anything to bring him back so I have learned to live for the day and live each day to the fullest because we don't know what tomarow will bring. I enjoy every minute with my grandkids and my son. My son always told me I have to live for the living and I still have him and he is so right. You have not been without Donny as long as I have been without Jason. It gets better(At least for me) but I can't say that for everyone.
 I hope you can get some meds to help with depression and that you start feeling a little better each day. Life is hard to live without our kids and you did everything with Donny so that is hard. Jason and I did everything together. I have had a lot of death and tragic things happen in the last 7 months but I have prevailed and Have a lot more hard times ahead but I will make it. I have a very strong will so I guess I am lucky to be where I am. I don't handle accidents well and when they happen I fall to pieces but I know I have to get back up and push on.  I wish I could quit at times but life will not let me.  I guess its good to work because you don't have time to think. I have had many signs lately from Jason so that too keeps me going. Guess I need to sign off. Take care and I think of you and Donny often. I hope the depression gets better and please know you are not worthless you are a wonderful loving Dad who misses his son.  Your family loves you and need you.   LaVonne
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on March 27, 2010, 06:09:56 AM
Dear Don,

You know I am thinking of you and Donny. Our lives will always be different without our kids. I don't think it really ever gets better I think we at some point learn to live with our pain and emptiness it just becomes part of who we are.

Health problems come along with the grief. Getting help for our health problems is something we force ourseleves to do for our families.

It will be 5 years this September since Tammie died and is it better ?? I would say just different now. I miss her daily, her phone calls, her drop in visits, her smile and laugh and even her tears. But I have learned keeping busy helps me to not think so much about things I can not change. I think we all live with survivors guilt. As a parent we should not out live our kids.

People around us think we should be over IT !! But we never get over the death of a child.

After the first two heart breaking years I was finally convinced to take a antidepressant it has helped. I still take it. Depression can just suck us in to a dark place and keep us there. I know Donny would not want that for you.

Know I care and I think of you so often.

Nice to see some of the people reply to you who helped me in my early grief.

Dottie Tammie's Mom
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Terry on March 29, 2010, 10:07:13 PM
Hi Don,

Thinking of you and hoping things are looking up for you. The weather is changing, thank goodness and maybe you'll get a chance to be outdoors in the sunshine. I, for one am glad that winter is over.

Love to you and thoughts of Donny, always,
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: laurenE on March 30, 2010, 04:18:27 AM

Lifting you up today in thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Sara D.s mom on March 31, 2010, 12:47:34 AM

I must tell you that I read your message every night.
I have similar feelings about myself since Sara left thirty months ago.

I feel as if I have done everything in my life that I will do.
This was suposed to be Sara's time. I saw her grow into such a beautiful young woman, and then lost her in an accident at nineteen.

I feel my life ended on that day.
I drag myself from the bed to the couch.
I gained weight, let myself go because nothing matters without Sara.
There is no one to strive to go on for, since Sara is my only child.
My husband and I live in the same house, but we grieve separately, and I have read and heard about our different ways to grieve.
He self-medicates with alcohol, and I with food.

We both feel enormous guilt, along with our profound sadness.

I don't feel that I am a burden, however, since family and friends have distanced themselves from us. It must be hard to see our pain.

My thanks to Terry, for always reaching out to me.

I have been to several different therapists, taken several different medications.
But the truth is that I, like you, just want to be with Sara.
That is the only thought that brings me comfort.

I am so sorry for your pain.

When I read your message, I didn't feel quite so alone.

Thank you for sharing,
Sara D's Mom

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: John-Danielle Marie's Daddy on April 08, 2010, 12:39:54 PM
My Friend in Grief Don,

I wish that I could wrap my arms around and hug your pain away. You are a wonderful, warm and caring person and I want you to know that I TRULY care and UNDERSTAND your pain and anguish. Please don’t GIVE-UP! I am sure that Don is crying as he sees his loving dad suffering so much.
I am so very sorry that you are having such a difficult time as you approach the 6th anniversary of your beloved son, Donny’s death. When I first joined this wonderful support board, you were a source of inspiration to me and I treasure your friendship as we travel along this relentless “journey” of grief. I can’t imagine what you have gone through over the past 6 years after finding your beloved son that day he could find no other solution, but to take his own life.
I wish there was something to life this terrible pain and burden from our life and bring our precious sons and daughters back to us.

I want to share with you part my journey after the death of Danielle Marie…
When I found out that my daughter, Danielle Marie had been killed in that horrible accident, I felt my whole world crumble. Everything that I held sacred in my life and family was now shattered. I understand COMPLETELY about feeling “useless” and being a “burden” I too have felt this way and even have had many thoughts of suicide. The devastating pain, anguish and disbelief consumed my very soul and it took every ounce of energy and shear will that I possessed not to take my own life.
The thought of my daughter being alone in death, not knowing why she died or that she was missed was a horrible feeling and all I could think of was that as her father, it was my responsibility to search for her (even in death) and console her and reassure her that she is loved and that her death was not her fault.
While it is impossible for those who have not suffered the death of a child to grasp the emotional, mental and physical pain related to a child’s death, the loss that our family has had to endure because of Danielle’s untimely, senseless and traumatic death has been a horrible nightmare.
Even now, 4 years later, each day, I'm hurting, and I don't understand! What reason? Why do we have to endure such pain? What could be the reason? Are we to feel better when we know why all this happened to us? Still, why me? My precious daughter, Danielle, WHY? I dread tomorrow! And all the memories of that day, when they told me that horrible news that no parent EVER wants to hear. Where is she I ask? Is she ok? And all they could do was look down, and try to comfort me. I remember the screaming and my stomach hurting me so badly I had to vomit, the pain brought me to my knees, and I begged and begged that it wasn't true!! OH GOD NO!!!! Please NO!!! But it happened, and there is NOTHING I can do about it! Nothing!!! So I'll wake everyday, without a cause, just to fill up a date in time, and wait, and wait, till my time comes to see where Danielle is. I'm sorry for all this emotion, I just can't take it sometimes, the pretending is wearing off, and my mask is getting soaked. I just don't understand!! Why LORD? Why were we picked? Why us?
 Don, this is the terrible part of the journey where “REALITY” is the most difficult thing to face after the death of your handsome son, Donny. Everything that happens in your life now if amplified a million times, hurts more than you can ever be ready for and feels like the weight of the whole world is on your back.
I wanted to share with you that I felt many of the same feelings that you are feeling now. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never see the light of day again.
In December of 2006, I knew that I needed help with how I was feeling. I contacted my physician about my deep depression and anxiety. He saw me immediately and we talked about the events and how I was “coping” over the past year. We talked about how I was performing my work, home and family duties and became concerned when I informed him about how I was feeling inadequate as a husband and father and that I had thoughts of suicide several times over the past year.
I have been on this medication since December of 2006 and continue to take when needed. It has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. I still have those “VERY BAD” days when NOTHING helps, but now I have more energy and realize that I need to be here for my wife, son and the rest of my family.

Thank you SO MUCH for allowing me to share my feelings with you. I pray that you find some peace and comfort in your shattered life. Please know you and your son, Donny are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Yours in Grief,
Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: Donnys Dad on April 09, 2010, 08:13:49 AM
John, thank you so very much for sharing your feelings with me.  It is somewhat comforting to know I am not the only one that feels this way.  Sometimes I wish I was still working to perhaps take my mind of this tragedy.  Why Donny did what he did I will never know.  He knew he could count on me for anything, I would gladly of given my life for him.  7 hours before he seemed so happy with his new house and truck, then this.

I still blame myself for not somehow seeing this coming.

Anyway, thanks again John and I think of you Marie very often. 

Your friend

Title: Re: Feeling Totally Useless and a Burden
Post by: BillL on June 24, 2010, 02:56:33 PM
I give you sincere heartfelt condolences and "Dad Hugs" on the loss of your wonderful son.  I lost my Dad  3  1/2 years ago on Oct. 28 2006 due to lung cancer; and I recently suffered an unforseen feeling of delayed grief and  tremendous guilt.
I grieve more for what might have been with my Dad, and how I never got to have that final talk with him.  People tell me to remember the good times, but when I do, I cry.
Last week I accidentally saw some videos on youtube about a sailors and soldiers returning home to their families, and especially, their young sons, and it got to me.
Father's day was very hard, as I'm sure it must have been for you.

I have a suggestion. PLEASE forgive me if I am out of line.  But try to get your health back under control through exercise.  It may be hard at first, but after a while you will feel  better and better.  Just imagine Donny next to you, egging you on  :)
Exercise is the BEST DRUG ON THE PLANET. 
And please just pour yourself into the love you have for your family who are still with you.  They want you around, and I'm sure Donny would do.

I wish I could put my arm around your shoulder and shed a few with you, you sound like a wonderful man and I know you were, and are a wonderful father.