Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: 1wabbit1 on August 02, 2009, 08:58:25 PM

Title: I'm new here
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 02, 2009, 08:58:25 PM
Hello, my name is Suzanna and I lost my husband July 10th. Feels like yesterday, and then again 10 years from now.

For a couple of days I've been coming here and reading.... and crying... and reading more. You all seem so compassionate and understanding. We're all in the same boat I guess. Thank you for letting me join you and please excuse me if I'm totally dis-jointed. I can't seem to think straight some of the time.

It's been three weeks and 2 days. I miss him so much it hurts. My chest is empty, my heart went with Fred. The emotions, the roller-coaster ride, are so hard to bear. Fred was the light of my life, my strength, my reason to smile.  I don't know what I'll do without him. I have family that is there to support me and  I'm very close with his family, his two sisters (who live 2000 miles away). I have friends, too. But, as so many of you have said before me, everyone gets tired of hearing about and dealing with our grief.

All I want to do is talk about it, but can't get myself to call anyone to come listen to me, to lend me their shoulder to cry on. I can't stand the thought of depressing them also, or further scaring them away. I'm so lonely.

I had a couple of pretty good days. Didn't cry much and when I did it only lasted  a few seconds with a long time between bouts. I felt guilty for not being more upset, like I'm abandoning Fred too early.

Now I want to eat my words. All day I've been empty and crying and waling and pounding on anything that's within reach. I look at his picture and tears well in my eyes and my throat closes up.

Fred and I were only together 12 years. 12 short years. Not nearly long enough. I wanted more. I still want more.

My children loved Fred from the moment they met him. Who wouldn't. He was a gentle bear of a man. And we loved each other so much.

I'm sorry, I can't go on now. I'll come back when I can. Thank you for listening.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: carrieset on August 02, 2009, 10:16:58 PM

I am sooooooo sorry about the loss of your special soulmate and husband.  You came to the right place and I am happy you came here so soon.

It is so very new, raw and fresh for you.  I guess this is what they call the shock stage. 

I am a little over 7 months out since my fiancee died on Dec. 24 08 of brain cancer.  Even though he had a terminal illness, I was so in denial and was expecting a big miracle until the very end.  Still, after he died, I went into total shock.

I came to this site very soon after and I cried, ranted, raved, asked questions, felt pathetic..............

No one judged me and only offered empathy, support, helpful suggestions and alot of love.

I didn't believe it would get any better, but it has.  Some days are not so good, but there are some good days, too.

You are strong and you will make it through this very tough emotional roller coaster ride.

Tell us about your hubby, about your life together and how he died.  We want to be here for you.  Unfortunately sometimes the closest people to us in our lives, family, friends, they don't get it, that horrible terrible all-consuming amputation of our heart.  It's because they have not experienced it yet.

I think it scares them and they want to not think about death.  But we here do understand and are here for you.

Cyber hugs for you,

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 03, 2009, 01:59:35 AM
Carrie, thank you for your welcome. A month ago I never would have thought I'd be reaching out to strangers over the internet for support. I'm very sorry for your loss as well. I never thought I'd actually be able to say "I know how you feel". I've lost only one grandmother about 16 years ago, and she was in Europe so it wasn't the same. I was sad, and cried, but I guess because she was 90 it didn't tear my heart out.

Fred passed away from complications of COPD. He'd been suffering and on oxygen 24/7 for over 4 years. I almost lost him at that time and again on several occasions after. The last three times the ambulance took him to the hospital, he'd rally and tell me he promised he wouldn't leave me. A week before he died he was once again in the hospital, and the doctors thought he wouldn't be coming home, so he prepared us. I went home to bed one night, and went back early the next morning and he was sitting on the edge of the bed smiling. He came home again, and had two really good days, went out on his scooter, asked me to cook special things for him, ate heartily, slept well and we talked and talked and spent time together. Then he started the down-ward spiral that I was so familiar with. On day 4 of him being home, I took him to the doctor's office and he wasn't able to go in, so the doctor came and checked him out in the car. That was a Tuesday and on Friday I had to call the ambulance to take him. He'd gone to the bathroom and wasn't able to get off the toilet. How undignifying for him. He passed away that night at 6:30. He stopped breathing when they got to the hospital. A tube was inserted, which was against his wishes, but at that point they didn't know that for sure.

I have some issues with how the whole thing was orchestrated, but it's not going to bring Fred back, so I'm letting it slide. I'm talking about how his death was planned. They took my mom and I to a private room from the ER, brought Fred in after they had removed his breathing tube. I watched him take his last breath. They had explained it to me before hand, which was a good thing because it actually wasn't as bad when it did happen. I just wish I'd been alone with him, without my mom, without someone walking in the see if he was dead yet.

I keep reliving that night over and over in my head, along with all sorts of things.

We had no funeral, no formal memorial... that's how Fred wished it. I did have friends and family over to "celebrate Fred's life". It wasn't the closure everyone thought it would be. There is no closure. Ever.

Today I had a very bad day. I cried a lot, and actually waled and shook my first to the sky. I hit myself. I wanted to wallow in the sorrow, hang onto it like a familiar reminder of my love for this man.

It's almost 3 AM and I'm not sleeping. I can't. I wish I had a pet I could hold onto. Our dog passed away two years ago. I'm not getting another.

All I want is to have my Freddy Boy back.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Luvinmike on August 03, 2009, 04:48:36 AM
Dear Suzanna,
     My heart goes out to you in these unimaginable early hours of your loss. I am sorry you are missing your Fred so much, you sound like a close couple who shared many wonderful times together in your twelve years as best friends. I lost my husband too, over a year ago. It hurts, it hurts so much still, but most of the raging craziness has settled down for me. It has taken a lot of effort though to get through the first year. I will say the early comments I got on this site helped me alot and I will pass them on to you.
1. Be gentle with yourself, grief depletes you, care for yourself in every way possible.

2. Deep breaths and baby steps... That one came from the Child Loss board, and I still remind myself to breathe deeply.

I would also say I survived on rituals, like collecting pennies, watching out for pairs of birds and studying the faraway horizons helped bring my mind and heart an ounce of peace while walking and writing in a journal.
I hope you find this note helpful, but no one is alike- you will follow your own instincts in walking this challenging and lonely path- but you will do it. Please let us know how you are, and more about Fred as you feel able to. Thinking of you and sending strength.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: kevinjj on August 03, 2009, 05:23:41 AM
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. You can find good support in a grief group where you are physically present and can see and hear others going through the grief process. It was very beneficial for me. I did some counseling too because I thought I was losing my mind but we all slowly learn that all we feel and experience in grief is normal and to be expected. You will probably have some short term memory loss, very common due to the extreme emotions but it passes so make lots of notes and lists to yourself so you feel you have some sense of  control in your life. Force yourself to eat well and drink lots of water and don't hesitate to get a sleeping pill prescription from you Dr. if you think you need one. The more tired and run down we let ourselves get, the stronger and worse the emotions. Not only are we experiencing a terrible loss, we experience loss of control of our feelings and our lives - a double whammy, so anything that is positive that helps you feel some control in your life needs to be pursued - it is very hard work  and totally exhausting. It does get slowly better though.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Donna B. on August 03, 2009, 07:30:22 AM
Suzanna, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I can remember the early days after my husband died and everything you said you are feeling brought back those days to me. I joined this website last summer and all of these people have been so great and it really has helped to post and put your feelings out there. Now I have come back, because my oldest daughter died on June 24th. Once again the people here have been so supportive and understanding, even though they are going through the same thing. I guess that is why it helps so much. We know how much it hurts. I am thinking of you Suzanna, please keep posting and tell us about your Fred. (((Hugs))) Donna
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 03, 2009, 01:14:17 PM
I am so sorry for the loss of your Fred.
I hpee you find the support here comforting.  I know what you mean about the greif, someone here described it as "waves" which I thought was a really good way of putting it.
Although we are all strangers in the meaning of the word, we really aren't....I feel very close to others here, even though I have not met, spoke or seen any of them.  I feel like they are close friends.
Please take care of yourself. 
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: georgiapeaches on August 03, 2009, 03:11:32 PM
Dear Suzanna,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband Fred sounds like a wonderful man. I am so sorry your in so much pain, you dont have to worry about talking to much here, we are all here to listen, just make sure you take good care of yourself. lots of rest and lots of liquids. Dont ever feel bad to cry, cry all you want, it helps so much. when your ready to come back and talk, theres always someone here to listen and support you. Hoping you find some peace and comfort.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: carrieset on August 03, 2009, 11:19:14 PM

Do go to a grief support group.  It does help alot.  I am still going after over 7 months.  I go once a week.

It was hard to believe that I had to be on a site like this, too.  Really hurt.........after so long researching healing sites.........

Take the advice of those here.  They are wonderful people to help guide you through this very lonely and painful time.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 04, 2009, 11:10:33 PM
Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and for your understanding.

Today was my first full day back at work. I had gone in last night to have some quiet 'catch up time'. The morning wasn't too bad. Very busy, so not much time to think or feel. The afternoon wasn't quite so easy. Several people stopped by to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. I teared up with each one, bringing feelings and thoughts back I had been shelving all morning. I decided that moment that I just wasn't ready to get back at it full time.

I talked to my boss and was honest with him about my feelings. From the start he had told me to take what time I needed, and not to worry, somehow they would get along without me (I'm management).

Today he shared something with me that floored me. Back  in 1999 his mother worked at a bank that was robbed and she was shot and killed. He understood my pain. He'd watched his dad go through the grieving process, just like I am, and he told me 10 years later his dad was happy. That gave me more hope than I thought was possible. Maybe I, too, can be happy one day.

So, for the rest of the week, and longer if I need it, I will only work 4 hours a day, longer if I have the strength. I want to get on with my life, find some meaning. Work had always been a joy to me, I love my job and miss it, but I'm going to take my time getting back to it. In two days it will be one whole month that my Freddy is gone. One whole month... seems like only yesterday I saw him take his last breath.

I wonder how everyone else handles going back to work.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: SoCal2010 on August 04, 2009, 11:16:04 PM
I wonder how everyone else handles going back to work.

When my Dad died I had a hard time when I went back to work. I knew that going back to my regular schedule was healthy, but like you it was difficult for me when people came over to talk to me. My boss sent an email so everyone in the company knew about it. People didn't know what to say. I used to hide in the upstairs ladies room and cry. But I had my Mom to comfort me back then so I just pushed through.

I did end up switching jobs not too long after that and partly because I wanted out of the reminders. That was a mistake because they say not to make any changes in the first year if you can help it.

I think working 4 hours a day is a good way to do it. You can ease into it but still be on some type of schedule.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: sevenofwands on August 05, 2009, 03:24:23 AM

That is a heartening post of yours.  Your boss sounds like a very empathetic person indeed, and it is great that you can get some time to yourself to muster your strength and organise your life the way you want it.  There always is hope, and you know there are supportive people out there.

Take care
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Jap Jr on August 05, 2009, 08:50:54 AM

I am so sorry for the loss of Fred; he sounded like a wonderful husband and keep talking as much as you want and to anyone that will listen; it does help. It does hurt. It has been just over 8 months for me, and reading your post brought so many of those same emotions back; it is like a roller coaster that never stops and when it feels like it is slowing down some, it speeds up again. The waves of emotions come and go. It is so fresh and raw still. A friend said it's like getting a cut and it has to heal and the bandaid is just a covering for now, until it can heal. And the healing takes time .......... takes time. That was hard for me to grasp - that time does heal. I have screamed, cried, shook my fists, hit the stearing wheel a I was driving, pounded the couch, the bed and screamed some more and at God, too, wondering WHY???? Why didn't he answer our prayers? Jim and I were to be married this year; both divorced and finally found each other when we didn't think anyone was there to find. The fear of the future, scared of what was to happen, not having Jim there; he was my rock, my solid foundation, he kept me grounded. It's like a vicious circle everyday. The nights are harder. Just the everyday tasks, knowing Jim would be there.

Your boss sounds very understanding; I manage an office, too, and they thought I should be back to "normal" after just a week. So, for me, I put on my "happy face" and get through the day. Even after 8 months, waking up alone, I still find it hard to get up, and want to come to work, but once I am here, I don't want to go home to the empty house, (but do have my dog - thank goodness for pets!!!). Take the time you need, but not too much, just enough to work yourself back to full time.

I know the feeling of being up all hours of the night and not being able to sleep. Be sure and try to drink or eat if you can. I used ensure, bananas and others have posted gatorade; keep liquids in you, you will need your strength. Take deep breaths, walks, anything that will keep you moving. I lost about 30 lbs in 2 months.

Come back and let us know how you are doing. I found this site looking for something else, so to me it was a "god send", as these people on here have been like "good friends"  that share the same hurts and feelings and understand what I am still going through.

Peace, comfort, strength and (((  HUGS  )))


Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 05, 2009, 10:10:39 PM
Thank you for making me understand I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. Most of the time I feel so isolated. I have one friend who lost her father three years ago and is still grieving, although she has moved on with her life and outwardly appears "normal".  She's been a rock for me and I'm so thankful to be her friend. She came with me to identify Fred and sat with me afterward for what seemed like  hours crying. She's come over many times to just sit and let me cry, to share with me how she and her mom reacted on her father's death. That was when I sort of began to understand that I'm feeling just like she did, only in a different context, but that grief is grief no matter who you lost.

Then I have a friend who just can't cope with how I've changed. She actually told me the night AFTER Fred's memorial that she "got so busy she forgot all about it". I have tried to understand why she wasn't there for me, and have tried to forgive, but I'm looking at her friendship in a different light. She's always considered me her best friend. She sends me short two sentence emails instead of calling or dropping over (she only lives two blocks away). In these emails she frequently tells me she can hardly wait for me to return to who I used to be. I don't know what to think.

I have one daughter who talks to me every day and tells me she loves me. My other daughter is more distant. My son tries, and be there for me if I need him. These kids are from a previous marriage but they all loved Fred. Amazing how all three are so different in how they deal with this. Not only Fred's passing, but my grieving.

I have a question.

I put a framed picture of Fred (actually three pictures in one glass frame) up on the wall above the computer monitor. One of them in particular looks just like Fred and he appears to be looking straight into my eyes. I love looking at that picture, but it makes me cry uncontrollably.

Should I take the picture down and put it up where I won't see it as often? Or should I keep it there until the urge to cry subsides with time?

I'm having such a hard time making the simplest of decisions.

I'm so sorry for all your losses, I think of you all every day until I get a chance to come here. Unfortunately I run out of steam by the time I make it and just am not able to reply individually. I know I'll do better soon. 

Thank you to all of you...... Suzanna (call me Suz... my friends do)

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: carrieset on August 05, 2009, 11:02:18 PM

Welcome to a place no one ever wanted to come to.  I spent over 2 years reading Miracle web sites and then 7 months ago ended up here.

I was blessed to have such wonderful people help me all along.........I was such a mess in the early days and for months!!!

Took the great advice of everyone here and have come a long way.   If it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be now...........  Most family and friends want you to move on quickly, especially if they have not experienced the death of a spouse of SO.  I think we all have been there.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband.  Sucks..........  I too, had my 2 children from a previous marriage, and then Laurence was my fiancee.  My kids adored him.  It was a great loss for them.  They have both acted out in different ways because of him being gone.

Take care of YOU.  Your hubby would want you to.  This is an emotional roller coaster ride.  It does go up and down ALOT.  Hang in there and come here to rant, rave, cry, scream.  Everyone understands.

Cyber hugs and peace to U,


Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Carlina on August 06, 2009, 05:55:56 AM
I have a picture of my husband that was taken one week before he died of the 4th of July, 2008. He was teasing my daughter-in-law and she snapped the picture. It is a picture that I cherish as it looks so like him and shows his wonderful smile and his teasing eyes. I have it on my computer at work and also on my home computer. Each of the children and the grandchildren have the picture close to them. I also gave the picture to his brother and sister. Everyone said that it looks so much like him and shows his personality to a T.

So if you have a picture that brings you comfort then display it where ever you want. It will help to ease you through the grief process. Talk to the picture, discuss your day and the events that have happen. No you are not crazy just using what ever tool will help you through the difficult time.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: MISSINGYOU on August 06, 2009, 06:18:04 AM
I love pics. I take them, hang them, and look at them for hours. I have several of Dad and Mom. Their wedding picture, circa 1955, and one of the 3 of us on a train trip in West VA. I talk to him all the time. Blow kisses to him at his wedding pic on the way down the stairs, at the dinning room table ect...I also have a pic taken a week before he died, unfortunately this one does not portray my father. It is a man who is trying to be upbeat and fighting to live. Its all good. I talk to that one too. HURRAY!!!! WE ARE NORMAL. :)

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: teppuM999 on August 06, 2009, 08:04:11 AM
i just want to say that i'm very sorry for the loss of your husband

as far as pictures, i think you should keep them. put them wherever you want. crying can be helpful and sometimes it's easy to think "i won't cry anymore for X, Y, and Z reasons," but sometimes having something that drags that out can be helpful.
i've got a bunch of photos of matthew and some of his drawings and my drawing of him arranged and sometimes (sounds weird) i go and lay next to it.
whatever helps helps, you know?
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: flamingofred on August 06, 2009, 07:18:16 PM
Hi Suzanna it's me Kym

I am so glad that you are using this site.  Having a hard time making decisions is normal if you can't make a decision then maybe that is a sign that you shouldn't decide right now.

It's been 10 months since Larry passed away and all I can say is truly trust yourself (even though that sounds retarded sometimes) with all that you do.  You have to go through what you have to go through no matter how odd or weird it seems.  I remember about 5 months after Larry passed away I thought that my heart was actually breaking.

I pray alot and I don't feel so alone.

I don't talk to anyone about my feelings, Larry was the only one that I really trusted that's why finding and using this site was really helpful for me.

Be good to yourself and don't forget give me a call if you need/want to.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 06, 2009, 09:45:09 PM
Thanks again everyone. I guess it's ok for me to keep those pictures up. I tried to take them down this afternoon, just to move them to another wall. Nope, couldn't do it. I have to see Fred's face.

Hi Kym, thank you for recommending this site. I haven't tapped into it as much as I thought I would. I kind of find it hard to write, can't explain it right now. Perhaps later. I do read every word everyone else writes, and I have learned so much and although I cry through it all, it does help. Cleansing tears?

I'm so sorry about Larry. I hadn't heard about his passing. He was such a nice man and very obviously very much in love with you. That from the one meeting at CJ's house.

I'm having a very bad day/night. My mom and dad came for dinner. It was nice, but I had to hold back the emotions so they wouldn't get upset. They're trying so hard to understand and to be there for me. My mom especially. She want's me to feel better and my old self so much that when she asks me how I'm doing and I say "OK" she immediately smiles and says "I'm so glad" then goes on as if I had just recovered from a serious illness and am out of danger. I know how hard it must be for a parent to see their children hurting. When one of my kids are hurting I hurt right with them and want to kill who ever cause that pain.

I have one friend that is really proving to be a gem. She called me this evening to tell me she's going to be out of town till Monday and that she wanted me to know just in case I needed to call her to talk. She didn't want me to be disappointed she wasn't there. I cried after I hung up. I'm feeling more alone knowing she isn't going to be there. I guess maybe it's a good thing. I'll have to learn to deal on my own I guess. Not that I would have called her anyway, but it's nice knowing there's a life-line out there.

Kym, can I use you as my life line, too? I hate to bother anyone.

Maybe I'll go have a bath and get ready for bed.

Goodnight my new friends, I'm thinking of you all. May you pain lessen and a smile creep onto your face.

.... Suz

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: flamingofred on August 07, 2009, 06:34:49 PM
Of course you can use me as your life line --- you have my number I gave it to you on FAcebook, feel free to call.

Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Theophila22 on August 09, 2009, 06:02:03 AM
My heart is with you Suzanna, I am so very sorry for your  loss of Fred.