Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Rebecca on July 11, 2009, 12:56:00 PM

Title: Wondering About
Post by: Rebecca on July 11, 2009, 12:56:00 PM
I am wondering where Moms, Dads, Aunts, etc., who have not posted in a while are.  Do they get to a place where they don't read or post because they have come to some sort of resolution of losing their child.  Does reading from us over and over repeating so many of the same feelings from years ago put them in a darker place?  Do they read?  Would they let us know how their lives are and how they got there?  In my early days I remember some Moms posting all the time.  Now, nothing.  Somehow I feel that maybe I am missing something.  It will soon be 5 years and I read this board every day, sometimes twice a day.  I too don't post as much but I do post.  Just wondering about people who were on here  when I started 5 years ago, how are you doing?
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: adele on July 11, 2009, 03:40:21 PM
Hello Rebecca,

I lost my baby Thomas nine years ago. I still have pain and now have more of a different type- Thomas' dad decided I was a dark cloud in his life and he decided he wanted a divorce. AFter 2 years the divorce papers came this month.

I spend  a lot of my energy trying to help my remaining son who is 15 and has asperger's.

My days when my living son is with his dad I am alone - trying to figure out how to make a life viable.

I am still working with a new counselor to deal with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which was caused by the horrors of  watching my youngest son got through a bone marrow transplant and died with me standing by his hospital bed.

Adele - mom to Thomas(1/5/96-1/26/00)
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: SueH on July 11, 2009, 03:43:40 PM
Great question!
I've posted a few times in the past years asking how others from long ago were too. Just a few replies.
I wonder about everyone too. I read this board occasionally. I rarely post anymore. I post on other boards too, but like this one.. not very often.
For me it's hard to post, especially to all the new people. I don't have it in me anymore.. I'm burnt out. I'l post to something that I can post to easily. I don't think that just because people leave a board means they are any better in their grief journey.. maybe just different. Maybe they don't need all the support to their questions anymore. Most of them seem to be redundant. So for me too reading posts from new grieving parents starts to wear on me. So I don't read the posts now.  I feel for everyone I do, but Like I said... just burnt out and don't think I can really help. I do think too that reading this stuff over and over can put someone back.. into a dark place too. It does for my husband. My grief therapist told me to basically stop going on these forums because they are so depressing.
So.. maybe others will post, would be nice to know.

Sue *Sara's* Mom

Title: Re: Wondering About (for Adele)
Post by: SueH on July 11, 2009, 03:46:02 PM
My hearts goes to you... as I too suffered watching my Sara pass through her bone marrow transplant too.

Sue *Sara's* Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Brenda Taylors Mom on July 11, 2009, 04:04:03 PM
I think sometimes you try to think of something to post or reply to and your just too drained to do it, or the words don't come.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Jeanneb on July 12, 2009, 10:53:48 AM
Hi Rebecca,

I still come here because I feel that I received so much from those who walked this journey before me that it is now my turn to give back.  With that said, there are days that it is sooooooo difficult to read and I realize that I have no words.

I  think that we each in our own way has made some sort of peace with what is our life now and that we need to move forward, for ourselves, for our deceased children and for those who are still left behind with us.  We hear life calling us back.  The board and it's sadness can be very overwhelming at times. While Philip's journey here on earth is over, my journey still remains and I must continue to put one foot in front of the other until it is my turn to go from this earth and continue my spiritual journey.

I agree with Sue... I don't think people move on from the board because their any better in their grief journey... my grief has just changed... it is very different and more and more for me it is a very private thing.  I'm just not as apt to share.

I also think for some of us who have been here for a while that when the board format changed it really threw us for a loop.  I realize there was no way around it, it had to happen.  It is a very different format and for me I've never really cared for it.  I usually try to embrace change but this hasn't been so easy nor has it felt as comfortable to me.

It is all part of life's journey.

Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: MelissaCharliesMom on July 12, 2009, 07:43:37 PM
Im still here too , read everyday and post when and if I feel I have something to offer. Since being back from vacation Ive found myself at a loss for words of wisdom and so I read, I think of all of you and your precious kiddos, but have little to say right now.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Brenda(Jessica's Mom) on July 12, 2009, 08:54:40 PM
I feel like SueH does...it gets hard after awhile, and sometimes it is just too painful to relive the early days of this grief. I hope everyone understands. I do come here almost every day and check in on everyone though.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Penny - Sean's Mom on July 12, 2009, 11:54:36 PM
I'm still here.  I visit most days but rarely post.  It's a bit like coming back to a good friend that I know will always be there if/when I need them. 

Sean has been gone for 3 1/2 years and his absence is still a tangible part of my world.  Right now I'm dealing with anger issues from his baby brother that I'm sure are rooted in Sean's death.  Some days I'm just too tired to after everything to add any wisdom to what I already read here.  Some days I just can't think of anything that I think will help. 

I send parents that are new on this journey to this forum on an all too regular basis.  You may not realize it but this forum and the folks on it helped me keep my sanity when there was nothing sane in my world.  I can't imagine getting to the point where I don't at least stop in to read how everyone is doing but right now I think I'm just tired and I don't have much to add.  That said I'm so grateful that each of you are here and that you are able to reach out with compassion and understanding when I just can't find the words.

Wishing each of you Peace....

Penny - Sean's Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Adams Brokenhearted Mama on July 14, 2009, 05:21:40 AM
Rebecca, I took a long break for awhile and then came back. Maybe it ebbs & flows for people. Sometimes I read that people rarely post but they do read.
I guess just like all of this grief process, it never goes away, it just gets different.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Karen Paul on July 14, 2009, 05:54:28 AM
Rebecca - I know I have not been posting a much as I used to for sure - I think for me it is a combination of reasons..

Being an aunt and not a parent, my journey is different, and though I love my nephew with all my heart and miss him every day - it is not the same longing you parents have I'm sure of that - I agree with Jeanne that my grief has become more private as time goes by - somehow it has gone deeper within me, not so much on the surface or something.

I come and read - but perhaps I don't feel like my thoughts are as helpful or relevant to others as they were in the beginning of my grief - my daily sadness has eased with time, though I think of Chris every day and always will, it is different - sometimes around tough days or times of the year I will reach out and everyone here has always been so kind to let me come and share whenever i need to, which is part of what keeps me coming back - that ability to share when need arises - and be quiet when need arises.

I still read almost every day - just find more I am without proper words - I feel like I've run out of them sometimes because nothing seems adequate.

But I still cherish you all and especially those of you who have heard my stories of Christopher and have shared your children with me..

luv and hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Kathy on July 14, 2009, 07:22:59 AM
It will be 5 years on Oct. 2 that Don was killed in a car accident at the age of 16. This board was my lifeline at the beginning. I would check it several times a day and posted often. I thought I would die when Don died. It was so hard to make it from minute to minute. The strength and kindness I received on this board helped me continue to survive.

Now, I am in a different place. I am trying so hard to learn to live without Don-not just survive without Don. I still coming to this place of healing about once a week. Sometimes I post, sometimes I don't. Some days I do better with my grief than other days. I still have times when I have to pull myself out of that dark place of complete and utter pain. I still have times when I cry and scream. I find that I also keep my pain more private in order to live in this new world.

Maybe my words are all used up to comfort others going through the worse pain imaginable, but please know that I always think about the grieving parents, aunts, etc.  here and I pray for moments of peace for all of us.

Kathy-Don's Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: John-Danielle Marie's Daddy on July 14, 2009, 10:04:23 AM
Hello All,
     I for one have been in and out of here over the past several months. I too missed all of the many wonderful people who were so strong and comforting to me early in 2006 after Danielle Marie died.
     I think for me, I just needed time away from all the deep, suffering and terrible stories of our beloved children and their grieving parents. I felt that I could not get myself past my own personal challenges of grief if I was constantly reminded of so many others suffering...I know that you are here, and I will always pray for you and your beloved child.
     I will still post from time to time and I am always sorry to see another parent or family member reach out in need over the death of a son or daughter (I know there are others who are aunts and uncles too)... I am truly sorry for all your losses and the terrible pain that we have to endure each day.
     My wife and I are STILL in civil litigations over the accident that killed my daughter, so my focus is elsewhere these days. I hope everyone is having a peaceful summer and you have many happy memories of your beloved child.

Wishing You Peace Along the Journey,
John-Daddy of Angel
Danielle Marie Plourde
1/4/1995 -2/20/2006
Memorial Website: http://danielle-marie-plourde.memory-of.com/

Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Debh on July 15, 2009, 01:42:42 PM
Hi Rebecca,

I have left for sometime, I read occassionally.

I feel after 13 years I was not grieiving, I was missing my boys. I am  doing ok on my own which is good, it shows the grief does ease or leave you, I accepted the boys are gone and there is nothing I can change, only myself.
I do beleive we don't grieve forever and we do live again. I feel this in myself today.

I have been here for years to heal and to give to others what was given to me. I will be forever grateful to Tom, Dena and all those who stayed with me in my darkest times. The loss of a child is the worst tragedy a parent can live through. There is no quick fix to heal, and we all heal in our own ways. Having support and understanding with those that have lost a child I found was the only way I could heal.

I cherish the memories, the photos, the signs, anything and everything that brings me closer to my boys. The tears fall when they fall, I don't fight it, its my time to be with my son/boys. My Chaddar time as I have said for many years.

Many issues at this board took many away, to be honest there was a problem  for me with a few awhile ago. I didn't feel safe and  had fear it would carry over to this board. If I haven't talked to you about a isue please don't feel you have caused any harmwith me.  I felt it was time for me to step back and give others time to reach out to others also, this is very healing.

I think of you at this board often and read occassionally, I see some oldies have popped back in and was nice to see them back.

I will continue popping in and thinking of you and our kids. Your all such a big part of my past and life today.

For all the new parents that have lost a child, your at a good place for support, I hope you  find healing as I did here.

Love Deb
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Dena on July 15, 2009, 02:18:35 PM
I am here everyday - at the very least to read and make sure that there are no problems.  I am looking at Josh's 10th Angel Day on 8/7.  At times, I feel very helpless & frustrated because the words won't come and I remember just how hard those first days/months/years were.

I can say that I reached that "softer" place.  The memories are kinder than they once were.  It was a long hard road to walk, but everyone at this site walked it along with me.

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT) on July 15, 2009, 04:43:47 PM
  as you know it's been a while since i've posted... my reason is that I RESORTED BACK TO BED & DEEP DEPRESSION. i ended up back at the doctor getting on"PAXIL"..
 i wouldn't hardly get out of my bed... it was awful.... i'm on a low dose of paxil but i realize i'm gonna have to take it or i don't want to function....
i know that sound bad because i'm not saying paxil is making my problems or the loss of CANDI  any easier because it's not....
but i do get out of the bed & house more ....

Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Terry on July 15, 2009, 09:09:03 PM

I come and go and have ever since I have found this wonderful place and for various reasons. One of them is that since the death of my Jeff, there have been many changes in my life, with my husband dying and my Dad who I care for, progressing with AD and some would call this 'complicated grief' and I never really understood that meaning fully....I truly believed that losing a child in itself couldn't cause grief to be any more complicated, but now I do understand what everyone was trying to say to me.
There are other factors in our lives that can and do prevent us from grieving in a healthy way and our grief is put on hold, in a sense, due to overwhelming lifestyle changes.

I really want to be here for others new to this journey and I try to be here for everyone. What is most difficult for me is knowing that my words are barely scratching the surface, knowing in the beginning what this loss is going to do to this new parent and of course the severity of each one's grief and the stages never really being in any logical order because I know from my own grief there are stages I have never went through and probably never will.
Nevertheless, I want to give back to others as I feel so blessed to have been loved and cared for by so many here and my heart goes out to anyone having to live with burying their child. No one should have to walk this terrifying path of pain, alone....EVER.

And, although my grief has become more private in some ways, I need to verbalize my pain and feel I can do that here without feeling that I am being unfair or insensitive to others who's grief is so new, so raw. Those of us further along can encourage and give hope where little seems to exist to those very new, but at the same time, I need to continue to be honest with myself and therefore others, by expressing how losing my children, the pain, the intense missing, has never gotten 'better', just different and is now pain I can live with and also live a good life even after burying my children.

It is difficult, if not impossible, in the beginning to believe this and I remind myself, and often, that I was where the 'new ones' are and not that long ago and as much pain as I may be in at any given time, the Love out-weighs the pain and my heart will continue to give as long as it is able.

There are times when I cannot view our childrens pictures (especially when reading) and that sometimes lasts for months and I am constantly adjusting/changing the settings. I posted Jeff's picture once with his daughter and could not go back to look at it. This is all a very long, hard, confusing journey.

I guess there are even more reasons why we come and go and they are not all, obvious ones.

Thanks for this post. I think it gave everyone a chance to share about something we
don't often talk about.


Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Johns Mom on July 17, 2009, 11:17:54 AM
It's been a long time since I've posted anything...I come and read once in a while.  We bought a business about a year and a half ago and it keeps me pretty busy.  It's been 9 years since I lost my son...my heart still aches for him...I still cry..not as much as earlier on.  Still shake my head in disbelief that he is gone forever.  The hole in my heart will never heal..no matter how many wonderful things I have in my life, my other children, my 4 grandchildren...my heart still aches for my son.  There are days that I miss him so much that I feel like I can't stand it another minute...I have to talk myself out of going to that awful sad place.  I know my son wants me to be happy and to enjoy whatever life I have left.  I will never stop missing him, I know that...life goes on.  Think of all of you and your beautiful children....Pat..John's Mom
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: gretchen on July 18, 2009, 08:29:19 PM
My name is Gretchen and June 27th was five years without my daughter Alex.  I never figured out this new board. I read all the time and think of all of you and your children.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: Terry on July 18, 2009, 08:45:54 PM
Hi Pat,

So nice to see your beautiful John, your "Bestest Boy."

Happy for you and your new business and hope it continues to do well. Good for you!!!

Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: LaVonne on July 19, 2009, 07:22:28 AM
I come as often as time lets me. My job is very hectic and I have way to much to do. I just came off a 18 day stretch of working and half were doubles. I am so exhausted that I feel I will never get enough sleep. I come and read some times and post when I can.  I think of our children everyday and will never forget any of them.  I have taken myself off all meds and I am doing really well. I do go in the dark place once in a while and lately after working so much I am down but Jaes birthday is next month so I think about that. My class reunion falls on the weekend of his birthday. I have found out in the last week that 4 classmates have lost children and maybe more. Thinking of you often Rebecca and always remebering Jason. After all both our boys names are the same.  hugs  LaVonne
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: SARAH() on July 19, 2009, 10:35:45 AM
I read often, but not every day, and not every post.

After eight years, our life has moved forward in a positive direction, and I feel positive about my life most of the time.  I remember when I was new in grief, I found people who had lost a child and were where I am now pretty irritating.  So I don't post much.  But occasionally a post relates to something I went through, and I feel like there is at least a possibility my reply might be helpful.  And because loss really never ends, I have occasional difficult times, like everyone else, and reach out for support.
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: nancy/Patricks mom on July 19, 2009, 08:57:49 PM
I read everyday even though i might not post sometimes i am just to sad
Title: Re: Wondering About
Post by: JONBOYS MOM on July 24, 2009, 09:09:26 AM

                         I to have gone away  for a while,Sometimes its just plain hard to write,All I can say is without the support from each and everyone of you I dont know if I would have made it,But I did..I have learned to accept the fact that my son is gone ,Like all of you here if we could change it we would.I will always be greatful for your tears your smiles,and all the wonderful stories of your kids,I truly wish all of your Peace.

Jonboys mom