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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: flamingofred on March 02, 2009, 09:12:32 PM

Title: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 02, 2009, 09:12:32 PM
I an new here and alot of what I have been reading is similar to what I have been going through.  I helps to hear that other people are going through what I am going thru.
My husband died 6 months ago.  We were together for 13 years.  I met him in my late thirties and he was the only long term relationship and only man I ever loved.  We got married a year and a half ago.
He died of cancer. From the time he was diagnosed to the time he passed away it was 9 months,.  He went through a 6 hr operation and then chemo and then it came back.  He always taught me alot as most soul mates do however he taught me so much going through this.
We both became Christians just prior to him dying so I know that I will see him again, but on most days that thought doesn't always help.
I was with him when he died.  The images are always in my mind.  The look of sadness on his face when he was able to realize that he was dying and going to leave me -- the anger he expressed about the situation and then apologizing for getting angry--the look on his face when he was frustrated and in pain. 
I am glad that I was with him when he died as I belive that that was my role as his wife to help him move on but the images are always there.
I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what.
I often list to a song by lionel richie called goodbye it so describes my feelings.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is actually breaking.
I know that over time it will probably get better but part of me needs the hurt and pain as it keeps me alive.

Just writing this is helpful.

Flamingo fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: futbllwmn on March 03, 2009, 01:06:34 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and so sorry you have to be on this site.  That being said, the people here are wonderful and care about you and we know what you are going through.  I lost my beloved husband 9 months ago today, suddenly, to a blood clot to the heart.  He was 56 and this April we would have been married 10 years.  I too am a Christian and I do believe I will see my Ronnie again.  That is the only reason I don't drive my car off a cliff.  I don't post too often but I come here every day.  The people here will never know how much they have helped me.  Please come back.  We know what you are going through and do care about you.

Praying for a moment of peace for all of us here.

Joyce

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on March 03, 2009, 08:35:47 AM
flamingo;

Sorry for your loss of your husband; Jim and I were together 4 years and to be married this year; we finally found each other after we thought there was no one left; we both had been married before. I feel so cheated out of our future.

There isn't a waking moment I don't miss everything about Jim, he was my rock. As of November 21, 2008, my world stopped; he was diagnosed with cancer in August. It will never be the same; this journey we are on is not one any of us chose, and it hurts; the pain is so constant and overwhelming at times.

Keep those memories close.

Just listened to the song Goodbye - Lionel Richie; I just cried and cried; made me think of Jim so much and how much I miss him - thanks for sharing that;  don't think I have listened to it before. It hit home so much; I can't stop crying, it hurts. I want my Jim back and our life back. My heart is broken.

I still question WHY; why us? why so soon when our life was just going to be starting? WHY?

Peace to all of us - (((hugs))) too, as I know I can sure use one right now.

Jap Jr's - Kay

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 03, 2009, 07:26:19 PM
thank you so much for reading and responding to my thoughts, and pain.
Even though I am in so much pain now I still am so thankful that I met my husband  soul mate and had him in my life for as long or as short as I did.
His courage in dying actually gives me courage in living I just have to keep this in mind when I am in pain.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on March 03, 2009, 09:15:35 PM
flamingofred:

I am so sorry to hear you have had to join this forum; we are all sad we have to be here, but also grateful because we all understand your pain.

My partner Laurence died this past Dec 24 after many bouts of brain cancer over 2.8 years.  I keep trying not to replay the last 2 months of his life and especially the last hours. 

Laurence, too, had a tremendous amount of courage and his faith in God was huge.  He lived his life to the fullest and with much optomism.  I will try to remember what you said about your DH's courage in dying and remind myself to have that courage to continue to go on living.

Peace and hugs to you,

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on March 03, 2009, 09:22:14 PM
dear Flamingo, So so sorry for the death of your husband. I miss my husband also. I got my first bit of wisdom in this grief when 18 year old daughter said,"Mom, I am grateful that I had the best Dad in the world for eighteen years rather than complain that he is gone way too soon; some kids never had a good Dad at all."
The next bit of wisdom came from my Priest- he said,"Where there is great love, there is great pain." And finally, this site and knowing others are struggling through grief. I wish I could take it away from everyone else, because it hurts so much, but we know that is not possible. So we get through our days, and we do our best to honor our loved ones. I spent six hours in bed today crying. I just could not do it today ( work, cook etc.). I finally got up after realizing for the 10,000th time that I need to be brave like my husband. Maybe that is how you feel about that courage to live your loving husband gave you. It isn't alot but it is something to go on. Hope you post again. Know that we all care. Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 04, 2009, 08:52:25 PM
Today was another day just like all the other days since my husband died.  My cell phone rings and I think that it's my husband calling.  I cry on the way to work and on the way home.
Even reading the entries here I cry.
I'm a counsellor and it is so hard to care about other people's issues when I am feeling so much pain.
I just do what I have to do to get by each day.
My doggies are about the only good things some days.
hope tomorrow is a little better, at least that's what I say every night.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 06, 2009, 11:21:34 AM
So it will be spring soon, the second season I will experience without my husband.
He died in September 08.  The first few snowflakes of winter were really hard, i cried and cried. He loved snow and he especailly loved having a white xmas and we certainly did this past year.
I will miss us doing all of the spring kind of yard work with him.
The passing of time just reminds me that the world still revolves without him in it, and I don't like that.
 :'(
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on March 06, 2009, 02:16:40 PM
Flamingo;   Can join you in feeling your pain of Spring coming; lost Jim November 21, 2008 and with spring coming I look at the back yard and see the huge new grill he bought, the wood to be cut for the many bon fires we would have had; the table/chairs on the back deck that never got put away; the garage that was going to be sheetrocked; the deck that we power washed but didn't get to stain yet, it's in the garage; we just seeded the front yard last fall; driving the car in the car club we belonged to; we loved doing most everything together, inside or outside. It was a long winter, but it let me hibernate in the house.

Peace and serenity - Hope today went better for you, if just for a few moments.

Jap Jr's - Kay

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: georgiapeaches on March 06, 2009, 07:00:02 PM
Dear Flamingo,
I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you came to this site. Its sad that you had such a short time with your husband but I'm sure your beautiful memories will last a lifetime. He will always be with you in your heart. I wish you peace and comfort.

Georgia.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 08, 2009, 02:16:53 PM
Thank you to all who have written and given me support.
It's so sad to see so many people hurting, but then it just reflects the great people who have touched our lives.
Last night was the first time I went to Bindo without my husband.  I was very anxious and at momments while playing almost went to turn to him to say something.  I went cause I do need to get on with my life, I know that I need to grieve but I just can't continue to hide at home and do this.

I have also found out that a death is like a divorce, you would be amazed at the so called good best friends that you loose throughout this process.  I guess the lord closes some doors so that other doors can open.

I still can't believe that he is gone, everything just happened so fast.  At around New Years I felt like my heart was actually breaking. 
Does it get better, sometimes it doesn't feel like it does.


Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Bqarb45 on March 12, 2009, 12:36:11 PM
I am just coming first time. I lost my husband of 43 yrs Jan th. It is so hard as you all know. Certain smells, the new season, seeing couples together!!! Sometimes I want to die. He was my whole being! I want to speak to knowone, see noone, I donot answer phone calls. Everyone says it will begin to hurt less in time. I don't feel that will ever be. :(
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 12, 2009, 05:38:59 PM
I have had some okay momments so it has gotten just a little better.
I get so pissed off that the world continues to revolve without him in it.
I miss him so much that my heart actually hurts.
He was such a wonderful man who finally got his life to a place where he was happy. 
I loved him so much, he truly believed and supported me.  Except for God he is the only one who was there for me.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on March 13, 2009, 07:02:27 AM
understand the anger about the world "going on" and the couples; I can't stand it; it hurts. It is just 3 months, 3 weeks and it feels like yesterday more and more. Thought it is supposed to get easier, but seems to have gotten worse the past month. Still so raw; sometimes I get so anxious and it scares me. I don't like being ME, I want US back; this "new normal" sucks; this new "journey" sucks. Jim wanted to live so much; we were to be married this year; found each other when we didn't think there was anyone else left after being married before. I just MISS him so much and everything about him; hate the waking up and going to bed alone everyday/everynight; the lonliness, missing his touch, voice, being there. Knowing this is the new life I have to face everyday for days, weeks, months, years; the rollercoaster of emotions and the waves hitting and slapping me in the face.

Jim was my Rock; he was always there for me ......... I cry everyday; everyday there is always something that reminds me of the Love I Lost so suddenly. Feel so cheated that we didn't get to have our future; together only 4 short years.

Peace to us all

Jap Jr's - Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: kevinjj on March 13, 2009, 08:32:04 AM
Im sorry for your loss and yes, the heart does break, it really does and grief puts a person down like nothing else and only those who have been through it really know how terrible it is - they are ripped away from us and part of us really dies too, there is no other way to describe it but we slowly adapt and adjust, somehow, and the pain will ease, it really will and after a while the horror of the first few months becomes like a bad memory. We continue on because we have to and our departed mates expect us to continue on and a hole remains in our hearts until we ourselves die, but the pain will ease significantly for you
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 20, 2009, 06:24:46 PM
Lately have been feeling alot of anger.  Not very empathetic.
I get pissed off at people who whine about their pain when in my mind i say you don't even know what pain is.
I go to work do what i have to do, then come home and lock myself in my house with my doggies.  I play with my doggies and then feel myself pulling away from the, am scaired to get too close to them in case i loose them.  Sometimes i feel that they are all i have.

I pray and ask God for help and support and find as usual that he works in mysterious ways.  I take my doggies for a walk everyday after work.  The other day met this other woman walking her dog, we got talking , she lost her husband of 48 yrs 5 yrs ago.
I asked her how she keeps on going.  She said one day she almost gave it all up.  She got a bunch of pills and sat in a chair with the pills planning to take them, when her doggie jumped on her lap.  This action pulled her out of it, she realized sdhe couldn't kill herself she couldn't leave her dog.

I have never thought of killing myself but out of our  conversation i learnt that if she can make it so can i.  Thank you lord you put people in our path for reasons.

In my head i knowit will get better but my heart is a different story.

My husband was such a good man.  He had struggled with so many issues in his life, he had been sober for 17 years and I was his fourth wife.  I wanted to have soo much more time to love him he deserved it and so did I.

I miss him sooooooooooooo much.

Flamingo
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on March 20, 2009, 07:28:08 PM
Dear Flamingo;
It makes you really grateful to meet certain people like the lady you met on your walk doesn't it. I have made some new friends in this as well. Including everyone here on this site. I also think as time passes your anger will diminish, it is okay to think of yourself and ignore others when necessary. I have lived in this same area my whole life, I was complaining about going to the store and always running into people. My sister gave me great advice, she said,"You do not need to talk to anyone except if you want to, in every area of your life except maybe your bosses." So, oddly it helped my anger to just shut out anyone who is whiny or gossipy, or whatever. I hope you try my sisters advice. I even have survived the end of a twenty year friendship as I felt so discouraged talking to this energy sucking negative friend, that I ignored her right out of my life.
I hope your doggies are doing well over the weekend. Also good to hear you walk. I need to get walking again. It helps my mind, and I haven't gotten out much. I can tell when I don't walk as my emotions get more intense. I really wrote to say I was thinking of you. And I am glad you are getting out there to walk, keep it up... Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: futbllwmn on March 20, 2009, 07:36:13 PM
Flamingo... my dogs (beagle and american eskimo) were, and still are, my lifesaver.  I just can't imagine coming home to an empty house.  My dogs are always here.  The cuddle with me when I cry and just look at me when I scream.  I have many times thought about driving my car off a cliff.... but then who would take care of my dogs??  Really.. I could never leave them behind.   Just last month I adopted another beagle from beagle rescue.  She's 10 years old and was just days away from death in the pound when the rescue found her.  For the first few months after Ron left they were the only thing I could focus on.  I knew I had to feed, walk and play with them.  It is not an understatement, for me, to say they are my lifesavers.  I wouldn't be here today if if wasn't for them.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on March 21, 2009, 07:05:37 AM
Flamingo;

How wonderful to have met someone on a walk.  I was so bitter at God for taking Jim from me, that I didn't or would not see when he did put people or something in my path. I still have days asking WHY, God? I still have a hard time with that, but I am getting better; I can feel that and finally say that. On Thursday, I was feeling really anxious and jumpy knowing 4 months was coming on Saturday (today) and took my dog, a cocker spaniel, for a walk. My, what wonders it did for me to get out and breath some fresh air. I too, am afraid of losing my dog now; it's just him and me. I am afraid of losing another person I Love; it's so scary now.

I understand about getting angry/mad at people who complain about pain, or more so getting mad at their spouse or significant other; I just say please don't say/do that,  be happy you have them here, and you can be with them; you never know what tomorrow will bring. Get some odd looks and some say whatever. I would like to say that I would glady trade places and have Jim back with me.

Teri; 

Hhow sad to lose a friendship of 20 years, but I can understand that happening; until it happens to her, she won't know the pain. I can already feel it coming, the loss of friends Jim and I had, even the short 4 years we had together, because I am now ME not WE. I can tell the friends of mine, who will listen and those that are thinking, oh no, she will want to talk about Jim; it hurts, but right now, I need to talk about Jim, I need to have those in my life who will listen and be there for me; that may sound selfish, but it's all I have. Will have to try your sister's advice, too - thanks for sharing that.

I miss Jim so much; today it is 4 months and it's hurting alot ...................

Strength and peace to get through another minute, hour, day ...

Jap Jr's - Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 22, 2009, 06:49:32 PM
Thank you all for your support. 
I have also lost my main friend recently.  Her disrespect was just too much for me.  I only now just speak to her one daughter and mother.  It was her mother's birthday recently and she made a family album and put my husband's picture in it - this album was titled family - my husband was her husband's best friend.  I thought when I saw my husband's picture in this family album that my husband would be so upset with these people.  He had asked his best friend to watch out for me as he was worried about me.  Well obviously some people make promises to dying people that they don't keep.

This incident reminded me that besides God my husband was the only person who truly believed in me, he loved all of me. 
We used to have this saying between us that as long as we have each other then we  can overcome anything, that's why he was worried about me.

I have to be nice to clients at workas I am a counsellor and i also supervise 4 other counsellors.  It truly does take all of me to appear to be caring when all i want to do is hide under my covers until this nightmare is over.

Next month April 21 would have been our second wedding anniversary.  We were going to go on a honeymoon this year.  We couldn't go on our one year as he was doing chemo on the dat of our anniversary.
It will be the first anniversary without him, don't know how i will do.

i know that i am blabbering but again thank you for the support.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 25, 2009, 07:49:15 PM
Six months ago today my husband died.  Not a great day.  I can't believe that it has been six months my memmories make me feel that it just happened yesterday. 
How can time go so fast.
For six months my wonderful husband has not been on this earth it's sooo weird


Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 10, 2009, 02:02:41 PM
Another holiday without my husband Larry.  I miss him so much.
Last weekend was the first time that I used the term widow and then just started crying.
Grief is just something you have no control over.


Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on April 10, 2009, 02:44:56 PM
flamingo

I hurt with you today on the 6 months; it will be 5 months for me on April 21st; and your 2nd wedding anniversay; the pain and hurt are still so raw for me.
Jim and I were to be married this year, but I call myself a "widow" but without the benefits of marriage. I miss Jim so much, as you do Larry.

Strength to get you and all of us through this Holiday without our Loved Ones.

Peace and Hugs

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: casper on April 12, 2009, 06:07:11 AM
Flamingo fred
I know the pain you feel. I am so sorry to hear of your loss; I pray God gives you comfort for your grief and strenth for this journey. I can only say that in times like this "we must look unto the hills which cometh our help". God is always there for us; even in our dark times, downtimes, lonley times. We sometimes don't feel, see or even hear His presence. But, I put my trust in His Word and have to beleive Him. I struggle most days and have much downtime as I have also loss my husband. I relate to your pain. My evenings are the hardest times I face. 

As hard as it is for me; I can say that staying and drawing close to the Lord is the best medicine and best comfort. Stay in His Word, ask Him to comfort you, hold you up; God will give us the direction we need; even when we don't understand and are full of questions, searching for explanations. God sees the picture we from the end. He is familar with our pain, our sorrow, and He will comfort.

I am new on this journey; and new to this board but I have gained so much strength and comfort just knowing I am not alone. Most people I come in contact with don't want to talk about my husband, but I want people to know how good he was to me; and what a wonderful relationship we had. I want to keep his character alive because his personality was so unique.

God Bless you and keep you close to His presence. God can heal our broken wounded hearts. He can revive us with His love, mercy and grace. Just hold on to your faith, and trust in the Lord.

Casper
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Pete (UK) on April 12, 2009, 09:09:33 AM
Refering to Bqarb45: Does the pain get less in time?

I have to be honest and say that there have been moments when the pain has been less, but for me, what has happened is that I have changed in myself. The pain is still there, but I am harder, and I am ashamed to admit I have a colder heart. At times, like Jap, I like to feel the pain, then it reminds me that I haven't left my sweet wife behind. The only people who truly have an idea of the sheer misery and relentless heart-break are those, like us on this site, and other bereavement channels. I've had periods where everything seemed in better perspective, but then it all rushes back; the images you don't want to revisit, the songs you don't want to hear, the little meaningless items in life that you and your loved-one alone appreciated. The pain is intense, but if that's the price we have to pay for the priviledge of finding true love, it's worth it.

I envy those of you who have faith, in any disguise. For me, I feel cheated and have no-one to blame or from whom to seek comfort.

Pete
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Evelyn123 on April 12, 2009, 12:13:39 PM
Flamingo Fred: I know exactly how you feel about certain people. I had someone say to me " do you think you're the only one whose lost a husband?" Also, others have stopped calling who I thought were friends. My husband had these guys he used to go out to breakfast with. One of them I have not heard from & one of the others told me he said my husband was his friend not me. This was very hurting. It is over six months now since my husband's been gone & I'm still very depressed. Everything reminds me of him & I do a lot of crying. Also, I have the unveiling of the monument coming up in June. I don't know what to do.Should I invite these "so called friends" or not? What do you think? Best wishes to everyone that their pain should be less with each passing day.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on April 12, 2009, 01:26:03 PM
I think you should invite your husband's friends, Evelyn.  They were his friends during his lifetime, and I expect they miss him too in their way, so maybe the one you spoke to was hiding his sadness under the gruffness (sure, he should have been more diplomatic!).  People are often at a loss what to say, that is the truth.

Take care
Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 21, 2009, 06:35:41 AM
Today would have been our second wedding anniversary.  Last year at our one year anniversary we were sitting getting chemo.
Am still so glad he came into my life, miss him so much my heart hurts.

Happy Anniversary honey
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on April 21, 2009, 06:53:32 AM
flamingo;

Thinking of you today on another anniversay date that is so hard for you.

It is 5 months today I lost Jim; I am missing him so much my heart is hurting so bad, I can't stand it. I am so lost, I just cry. I want WE back ..........

Peace and (((hugs))) to us today ......

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 21, 2009, 06:51:30 PM
What started off as a horrible day as it would have been our second wedding anniversary and people being stupid at work it ended up being a pretty good evening.
Thank you guys for your support but I also have to thank the Lord.,  I have been praying the last couple of nights again and thank you lord as you listened and helped.
Aside from it being our second wedding anniversary people at work are being really crazy over stuped things. I was starting to feel that the world was going to hellin a handbasket.  I kept thinking why do people get so rattled about stupid things when people are dying and people have died, people are starving, people are just suffering. I prayed and asked for help.
All of a sudden the lord answered my prayer and at the same time the sun just shone in my living room window.  I got it.  All of the negativity is putout there by we all know who to get us to be negative.  As long as i was feeding into the negativity and not praying then i felt more lonely on my own.  When i got back into praying i truly felt the lord with me again comforting , empowering and loving me.  I then went on my church website to listen to a sermon and continued to feel strong.
I don't mean to preach but having the lord being with me and knowing that my husband larry is with him sort of helps with the pain, i feel comforted and not alone.

THANK YOU
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: pussikins on April 24, 2009, 06:32:08 AM
flamingofred
i lost my precious mark on 17th february 09....almost 9 months to the day that he entered hospital.
he never left and died there....He was in excruciating pain for most of his stay there and i suffered BIG TIME too seeing him like that. i could relate to you because i married mark in my late thirties and spent 12 beautiful years with my beautiful man.
he died at 58 years and my life is over.
he meant everything to me...totally !!! i really find it difficult to plough through each day and just wish i could be near him. I do not know if i can ever get over his loss....it hurts so so so so so much.
i just keep stewing in my misery :'(

annalise xxxx
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on April 24, 2009, 09:15:36 PM
Annalise:

So sorry to hear about your dear hubby.  Laurence died on Dec 24 08 and had just turned 59; he was such a healthy strong man and looked years younger because of his awareness of healthy eating and exercise.  Brain cancer doesn't really care about that, though. :'( :'( :'(

It is so hard to watch them suffer and yes we do suffer watching them go through hell.

I am hopeful as everyone further along says it does get better and is not as bleak and dismal.  I'm at 4 months today and I feel like an alien on this earth.  I'm just all over the place in my mind.  I know I will never get over his death; just will have to live with it.

Hate this journey...............

Hugs to U,

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: pussikins on April 27, 2009, 01:51:21 AM
thanks carrie...i really do hope it gets better.
just keep wishing i cud be near him and i cud not give a toss wether i live or not.
dont forget have no kids so it's not like they have to rely on me.
i have my parents and they are really worried about me..poor things but i tend to be selfish in my sorrow.
all we can do is support each other in this hideously ugly road of misery..
i never thought my life could change so drastically...but it has.....for the worse..:(
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on April 27, 2009, 04:09:30 AM
So sorry to hear of your loss pussikins of your beloved Mark. It is really overwhelming to accept that our lives are so different now and missing the partner we spent each day with. I hope you will feel some comfort over time in your good memories with your loving Mark. Thinking of you, and you too Flamingo.
terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: pussikins on April 27, 2009, 07:10:09 AM
thank you all for your kindness.....at times i just do not believe that something like this happened to me.

i am not special so why should i wonder :o ? that's life and it sucks !!!
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jeanne on April 29, 2009, 04:35:22 AM
My husband died on Feb 5-he was diagnosed on the 19th of Dec-
I know how you feel-he was my soulmate-
I was listening to a Christian station this morning-
A lady was saying how her husband made her feel safe-
I miss that so much-
I switched to another station-
       I will be praying for your peace-
                       Jeanne
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 01, 2009, 08:02:26 PM
Thank you all for your support.  It is just amazing to see how we all had such love in our lives.  And I believe that because of that we find eachother here.
I am hating the routine of my life without my husband.  I hate work, people are so stupid don't they realize how precious life is.
It has been 8 months now since he left me.  I feel at times like he is part of me, and other times so lonely.
I just fill my days and nights that's about it.  I am not really living just getting buy.  I continue to pray and thank the lord for his strenght in all this. 
My doggies certainly help me to. 
I now feel like i am in a phase where i am angry and inpatient.

flamingo fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on May 01, 2009, 10:26:18 PM
flamingo fred:

Feeling the same as you have posted today.  Just going through the motions and trudging through each day and night; not look forward to the sun coming up and trudging all over again.  I am just past 4 months and feel like such an empty shell of a person. 

I, too, keep praying and the Lord for guidance every day and asking for help, "what do You want me to do now"?

I'll feel okay one day and the next I don't see any reason to go on.  But I am here still after 4 months and so are you after 8 and we have to go on.  Hoping to enjoy those rays of sunshine again someday.

Hugs,

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 03, 2009, 06:07:18 PM
Thank you Carrie for understanding and I am sorry that you are going through the same thing.

Today while in church and the sermon was on honoring and respecting I swear I saw my husband in heaven smiling and looking down on me and he was beside who I think was god.
I think I am suppose to see that he is happy and that one day I will be too as I will one day join
him and God, however I still have some things to do down here.


This vision in my head gave me such comfort and even though i miss him horribly it is good to know that he is happy.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 07, 2009, 06:06:14 PM
It is so strange.  There are some days that go by and no crying and a sense of peace even though I miss him terribly and then days where all I do is cry.

I miss him so much, he was such a beautiful man and I believe that he was finally believing how wonderful a man he was.  He had a hard life, we both did.  We did so much talking in our relationship because we didn't want to repeat the bad patterns in the families that we grew up in.  We made the agreement not to do the horrible things we saw our parents do to eachother and we honored that agreement.

So proud of our love and honorable relationship.  Am so happy i did have that experience.

He rocked.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on May 08, 2009, 01:19:47 PM
thanks for writing this encoraging note. I can't survive today- you all know,"One of those times..." I really appreciated reading this today. I bet he would say you rock! You keep those peaceful moments going for yourself, glad to hear it.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 12, 2009, 05:04:46 PM
Knowing that I was so loved by my husband gives me strength, having him not here to give me a hug, a nod , reassurance is so hard.  I just have to remember that he did have faith in me, and love me so much.  Some people strive for this so at least i did have it. 
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: patty on May 12, 2009, 09:19:04 PM
Start a happy memory journal.  And if you are crazy like me you can write letters to him too.  I didnīt tell him enough how much I loved him so I do now.   Patty
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 15, 2009, 07:55:24 PM
Thank you for the idea of a memory journal.  I have actually started one.
Thank Goodness I always told him that i loved him and he always told me that he loved me, that is another thing that was so special about him.

Miss him so much.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 16, 2009, 09:42:37 AM
So it has almost been 9 months since Larry passed away.  I still can't believe it.  The other day on the way home I cried cause the song Girls just want to have fun came on the radio and I use to act crazy and poke Larry in the belly when this song came on.  Haven't felt fun in a long time.
In the 9 months since he passed away it is amazing but very few people have asked how I am doing in terms of dealing with Larry's death, I do feel that people may care or they watch to make sure i am okay but I feel as though it is a taboo topic with people.

Disappointed
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on May 16, 2009, 12:01:55 PM
Flamingo:

I can only sympathise with these difficult times you are experiencing. 

I honestly don't think people feel it is a taboo topic, but rather that they don't want to upset you by asking something which, in their perception, might be hurtful.  Perhaps if you were to say it to them first?  Maybe. Tell them your feelings. 

Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 16, 2009, 04:08:59 PM
Your point is very valid.  But what is interesting is that some of my clients who have a mental illness ask me and check in with me in regards to how i am doing re; larry's death, however collegues and friends dont talk about his death or ask questions.

I don't know all of this is so strange.  It just is so werid not having him around to vent to and validate my feelings like he always did.

I also realized that when you go through yourdaily life and know that you have someone who loves you all the crap that comes your way is more manageable.

What a starnge journey.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on May 17, 2009, 05:49:14 AM
Life surely is a strange, eventful  journey!  Of that there is no doubt.  And absolutely everyone is in the same boat.
There is not one person I know that has not experienced some calamity in his or her life.  Not one. 

Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 25, 2009, 05:03:45 PM
I am having more positive days lately which is so nice.  At times I feel guilty that I am having a good day without my husband but I soon remember that he is with God having better days than I am.

So it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on May 25, 2009, 09:01:55 PM
flamingofred

Nice to hear you are having more positive days, and you see the "light".
I don't see the light yet, but someday hope to say I do. It is still difficult to get through a day without crying and missing Jim so much. It was just 6 months that I lost him. I don't know how to react anymore to people "out there". So many think I should be "over it" and "getting on" with my life like nothing has happened. To them, it hasn't! I don't want to just "get over it"; I hate this more than they will ever know, until it happens to them. Makes me more upset and angry than I thought it would. I am trying to be more positive and thank God for the time Jim and I did have and to help me get through this.

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on May 25, 2009, 10:16:30 PM
flamingored:

I am happy you are having better days, too.  Send some of those my way!!! 

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 26, 2009, 07:42:17 PM
Jap jr

I get what you are going through.  I don't tell everyone how i am doing.  If I get the feeling that they are really there for me then I talk abit.  I really just talk to God alot and to Larry about how much I miss him.  This site helps alot for me anyway.

All I can say is don't deny yourself your feelings of loss, those feelings in a way honor the one you lost, do what is best for you.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 04, 2009, 05:51:15 PM
Have had a really tough week.  Don't know why was doing better for a little while, but this week have found myself t

crying alot over losing Larry.

Thinking about him alot. I even call my house to hear his voice on the answering machine.

Maybe it's just the way grief goes, you think you are doing better then wham it hits you again.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 04, 2009, 09:38:53 PM
flamingo

That is how I am feeling; just thinking about Jim so much; this whole week each day has gotten worse; just can't stop the crying and the feeling such pain, hurt, ache and lonliness. I have a recorded voice of Jim from his cell phone that someone else did for me; I listen to that every now and then; it's only a few seconds of his voice.

Must be the roller coaster going non-stop.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on June 04, 2009, 11:47:49 PM
Kay:

Every few days I watch a video on my computer.  It is Laurence pretending to be some aussie guy (accent and all) taking his turtles out of his ponds............

Makes me cry everytime..........as he says he will be backe :'( :'( :'(

Not ready to delete the video yet.

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Pete (UK) on June 05, 2009, 03:10:28 AM
Everyone:

I've been able to manage (after a fashion) without the site for some time, but it's one year today since I lost Hetty, the love of my life. I came onto the site just to thanks everyone who's been there for me since that awful day, then I realised that every day there are new contributors, who've also lost their soul-mates.

I'd love to say it gets easier, and in many ways it does. I have to admit there are moments when I'm not gripped with pain, panic and that overwhelming grief we all know so well, but these moments are few, and I'm never without deep sadness in my life.

I've now recovered from my accident three months ago and due to return to work on Monday, suddenly understanding that it's a new start in a new life without the warm and comforting basis of my wife's love.

To all of you who know me, I thank you for your love and support, for all those new to the site, I wish you relief from your misery.

I've included a link here for a song that gave me a measure of 'closure' six months ago, please listen and read the words, they may help.

God bless you all,
Pete (UK)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT0MnvgatrA



See the Sun

I'm told 'one day the sun will shine again
I'm comin' 'round to open the blinds
You can't hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can't last here any longer

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Come on take my hand
We're going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it's not black
Please don't mourn forever
She's(He's) not coming back

And yes they'll ask you where you've been
And you'll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her(him) at all
But it's no more

And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day
Well I promise you you'll see the sun again
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again

I promise you you'll see the sun again

See the sun again
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: wanda on June 05, 2009, 05:18:08 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 38 years last April 8, 2008. It has been a rough year. I read about the steps of grief. 1. shock, that gets you through the funeral: 2. Guilt, that maybe you could have done something more to help them.: 1 and 2 will last about 2 weeks. 3. Grief . There is no time limit.
4. Anger, either at yourself for grieving so long, The person that died, or at God., When you go through # 4, you are recovering. I have not reached # 4 as yet. The grief is so overwhelming. I now live alone. The kids are all gone. So alot of time on your hands, even though I work. My husband lost his legs 10 years ago, so I had been a caregiver for a long time. So it is also a shock that you don't have anyone to take care of, which can be nice at times. I stopped cooking and eating. I lost 22 pounds, down to 106. I finally gained 20 of it back. Now I know why, when an old person dies, that their spouse usually dies soon after. I really wanted to go to. I look so forward to going to Heaven now. But I am 58 years old. My life( as I knew it) is gone. I still do the same things, but half of me is gone. It's like losing your right arm. You know you will eventually learn to make it with one arm, but you will always be aware that your right arm is missing.  Please don't make any decisions for a year or so. I wanted changes, something to make me feel better. I had to realize that I just wanted my life back. Nothing will make it better for now. So just hang in there. Let God handle everything. Grieve. It gets a little better. It's been almost 14 months for me. I miss my husband so much, especially when the kids/grandkids come, or his family. He loved his family. But I'm trying.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Pete (UK) on June 05, 2009, 10:16:30 AM
Wanda:

Thanks for the reply, I'm going to blow it away at a rock gig tonight hopefully, I'll write a longer email as soon as I get the chance.

Keep strong, thanks for your support,

Pete
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 05, 2009, 10:19:20 AM
Pete

thanks for the link; listened to it and it made me cry ...... what beautiful words and I am at that 6 month mark; been having alot of sad days this week and crying so much; didn't know I still had that many tears left in me, but I am sure there will many more to cry.

I miss Jim so much; as you do your Hatty at this 1 yr anniversary - prayers, peace and strength to get you through .

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 05, 2009, 03:52:35 PM
wanda

I am at 6 months and it seems to be worse, not better. I have been through so many stages and back again. The roller coaster and waves of emotions are sometimes overwhelming. The crying I have been doing all week, tears just won't stop. I hadn't screamed in hurt for a month or so and the other day it got to me again. The anger, the frustrations. Just the damn missing Jim; my heart and body ache for him in so many ways. I am 54, he was 62, but didn't look older than me. He was very active and then cancer got him; 3 months later. Didn't expect him to die in the hospital that day either, everyone was shocked. So much unsaid, undone and now it can never be. Trying to turn it over to God, because I can't do it anymore, but then I guess I never could. I sure as hell tried tho! I thought I was super woman and could take care of it - he was going to live no matter what! God had other plans than the ones Jim and I made. Can't put a time table on anything, and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel as of yet. Time is just seconds, minutes and hours rolling into days, week, months, years ,,,,,,,,,,,,

I miss US, WE

This happens to other people, not me and now I am that other people. This new "normal" for me and the rest on this site, really sucks. Guess I should not speak for everyone, just me, but it still plain sucks.

Better days ahead, I pray.

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: wanda on June 05, 2009, 07:34:52 PM
Everyone grieves differently. Nobody can tell us how to grieve. The 1st year, Everytime I looked at my husbands picture, I thought about him taking his last breath. This year, I think about us, as teenagers, out running around(the 60's), having a good time with our friends. He was in the Army, so he drove home on the weekends(AWOL most of the time). We were married for 1 month when he went to Viet Nam. 19 and 21, so young. So many of his close friends and Family can't talk to me. They don't know what to say. He had found alot of his Viet Nam Buddies 8 years ago and they flew in twice a year for mini reunions and then had a big reunion every two years. They called all the time. Now they don't call, because they are so sad. They don't want to start crying. A few of the wives have called. 12 of them flew in for the funeral and folded the flag at the graveside. Really the only help I have gotten is from other widows. They let me know that I wasn't losing my mind and I certainly wasn't the only one. One Lady told me to eat my meals in my recliner in front of the TV. It worked, I ate better. I layed my husbands pillow sideways and covered it up, and it looked just like my husband laying there, I slept better. I would go to the cemetary and stand over the grave, because I knew that under my feet was the body that I knew. His soul is not there, but his body is. It really helped.Also this year, I am remembering the things that I don't miss. Like him telling me how to do something, when I didn't ask for the help. Other things that really got on my nerves. You know the things that bothered you. I don't miss those things at all. I would love to have him here to cook for and get a cup of coffee for.I miss telling him something that I heard, or telling him something that the grandkids did, that only he would enjoy.We shared the love of our children and grandchildren. Nobody will ever share that with me again.You plan a long life together and plan to grow old together. I will never have a 50th wedding anniversary. with him. I will have it, but alone. I still have anniversarys. Have you been called a Single yet?. I have and I corrected that person and said, No I am not a single, I am a Widow.I am as married as I ever was. I wear my wedding band with my Mothers ring and my husbands wedding band on the other hand.It is hard, but you get a little set in your ways, being alone.Since I have to be alone, It's not too bad now.Joy will come in the morning.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 05, 2009, 08:14:33 PM
Thank you guys for all of your understanding and support.
I haven't been called single as i still wear my wedding ring, I also wear hison the same finger (i got itmade smallerand wear it with mine)
But people who don't know abouthim passing see the wedding rings and ask where is my husband, or questions like that .  That is hard to answer.
I still run into people who don't know and ask how he is doing, that's tough.

Even though it is so very hard, i am so glad that i do have my faith.  I probably would've eithergiven up or started to do stupid things like drink etc.

Here's to another day.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 05, 2009, 08:39:37 PM
Jim and I were not married yet, supposed to this year, but I call myself a "widow" without the benefits anyway; it seemed like we were. I still have people who didn't know, or that I haven't seen that heard, come up and say they are sorry. It's been 6 months, but understand this will happen for a while.

I am really trying to get my faith back, as I lost it when Jim passed; was mad at God for taking him, and not answering our prayers and giving US that miracle. But Jim is in a better place, and God evidently had "other" plans for us than the ones we had.

Was a very tough week for me and cried so much, missing my Jim.

flamingo & wanda; I liked what you both had to say; Joy will come in the morning and Here's to another day ....... thanks

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on June 05, 2009, 10:16:26 PM
Hi everyone:

Regarding wedding rings, I never really got mine......Cancer took that dream away. 

I do have the stone for that ring that was supposed to be.......never got to get it set, though.

When I was married to my first husband (only had one), he was an engineer, but also a certified jeweler, so he lavished me with every big huge thing you can imagine.  I pawned it all during 2 year separation and divorce as he took all accounts and left me penniless with an autistic child to boot!!

Anyway, I always told Laurence (and this was a joke) that the only wedding ring I wanted was one cut from a piece of barbwire.  Yes, I know, a little warped and probably was bitter from divorce. 

Was to be married last Oct. 6.  Had the notebook filled with guests, food, etc. (was just to be a backyard affair)......... :'( :'( :'(

I even had my 11 year old daughter's dress picked out as she was to stand up with me (gorgeous thrift store find as I am very thrifty).  And my business is going into thrift stores and finding great things to sell online, so it is a reminder every other day to see these beautiful wedding dresses, etc. and not be dismayed by where life is now.

Sorry if I hijacked the site.  Just reminiscing about what was supposed to be and the talk about rings reminded me of so much.

Hugs to all,

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 09, 2009, 07:08:04 AM
One year ago today Larry had his last chemo treatment.  The prognosis was good that cancer was gone.
I remember sitting in the hospital room with him while he got his treatment, we did crafts together.
I hate this.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 09, 2009, 07:34:05 AM
Flamingo;

I hate this too; feeling your pain with you; losing Jim to cancer; I just hate this new life .........

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sallie on June 09, 2009, 11:56:53 AM
I know there are no real words that can bring comfort to you but I also want you to know that each day the Lord will give you the strength to move forward.  My husband died in a plane crash 5 years ago and knowing that I would see him again in heaven has been an incredible comfort to me and my children.  I read a wonderful book by C.S. Lewis called "A Grief Observed" about 6 months after my husband died and it really helped me process through the pain.  C.S. Lewis met his wife late in life and they were only together for a short time before she died.

Please know I will be praying for you!

Sallie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 09, 2009, 05:35:55 PM
Thank you for your support.  My faith too is what keeps me going knowing i will see himagain is all that keeps megoing sometimes.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: wanda on June 11, 2009, 03:31:13 AM
I think, those of us that have been care givers to our mates, have had such a rough time adjusting to , NOT taking care of someone. I learned, from my Mother, to take care of my husband, make sure his house was clean, his clothes washed, his meals cooked when he came home from work, his Children taken care of. Then when he lost his legs, we had 2 legs instead of 4. My thinking was always about handicap accesible, plus I work on a handicap school bus. Then, he died. My children are gone, I still work on the bus, but I catch myself think about Handicap accesibility when I am parking the car, or moving furniture. Is that chair going to be in the way of the wheelchair. My children have been remodeling my house. Door Frames and Doos being replaced because of the scratches and scrapes from the wheelchair. It is beginning to look like he was never here. I may just put his wheelchair in the middle of the living room and that will make me feel like he is there when I am missing him. But before I started rambling I was talking about being a care giver. You are so busy taking care of that helpless creature. Then there is nobody. Only you. Now I have to admit that it does feel good, when I am so tired, that I don't have to feel guilty because I am not cooking his supper. He was not one to demand , But as a wife, I thought that this is what you did, so I felt guilty if I didn't. The guilt still comes back to me if I need to do something, but I don't. Then I think, I am by myself, who cares if I do it or not. I guess what I am saying is, after 14 months, I am adjusting to living alone.I am tired. I have taken care of husband and children for a long time. Now it is my turn to take care of me.Not by choice, but it is my turn. My husband is in heaven, having a ball. Seeing all of his loved ones. So I have to make the best of it until I meet him. It took 14 months to get to this point. I wasn't thinking like this 2 months ago. I am not changing my life, because this is the way I like it, everything is familiar and I don't like changes. Alot of things are coming up in church to keep me involved with humans this summer. I couldn't do that last summer, but I can now. I have applied for another job, because only working in the school year is not going to cut it. That's another thing, at 58, you have to support yourself. 2 more years until I can draw Widow's Benefits. Well, I am rambling again.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 12, 2009, 06:35:09 PM
You are right Wanda so many changes.  I think all we can do is take one day at a time.

When things get tough I read a poem that a past friend of my husband's and mine did that was read at my husband's service

They did it

He asked her to marry him
He did it for him.

She said yes
She did it for her.

They in the sight of God joined as one
They did it for eachother

He found his time was limited and needed her by his side
She did it for him

He asked his friend to look out for her when he could no longer
He did it for her

He ws frightened at times
She slept in a chair day after day next to his hospital bed to hold his hand
She did it for him

He said he was ready to go home to the Father,but he needed for her to be ok
He did it for her

She told him to go and she would be ok
She did it for him

He went to Heaven to be with the Lord
Jesus did that for him.



Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 22, 2009, 07:46:39 PM
Am having another rough day.  Some days are okay and some are rough.  Today is a  tough one.  Don't know why, just thinking alot about Larry and really missing him.  Feeling ripped off, looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together and then this happened.
We only had 13 years together, a little over a year as husband and wife. And then I think that at least we met eachother and did have 13 yrs.  Some people never meet their soul mate.

Maybe it's a tough day cause in Sept will be one year and also the funeral home will be planying a tree in his honor and am planning on going to this.\

Oh well, enough self pity, will pray for more support tonight when I go to bed.


Nite.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on June 22, 2009, 08:33:16 PM
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day, but it must be the day; mine was awful, too. Alot of crying and sadness. Jim and I had 4 years together and to be married this year; after divorces we didn't think anyone was out there and then we met. I am thankful for those years we did have; could not say that at first; I was so mad at God for taking him. I know your feeling of being "ripped off"; we didn't get a chance to start. Was 7 months I lost Jim yesterday.

I pray for some peace, comfort and "support" for you.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow ........

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 28, 2009, 03:35:03 PM
It has hit me another season without Larry.  It just makes me realize how real this is.  I think that is why it has been really hard lately.  Summer was our time of the year.  And with the stampede coming up it is really hard, it was Larry's favorite,.  He always felt that he was born 100 yrs too late.  He loved his cowboy hat, boots and shirts and he looking so handsome in them.
I just don't want to in a city where everything you see is stampede this and stampede that. 

Oh well, I miss him so much.  The only love of my life.  He managed to work himself into my life and now has left me.


Missing him sooooo much.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on July 13, 2009, 07:29:24 PM
I feel so lonely.  I think that I am entering depression.  After work and on the weekends I am scaired to do anything that we did together, and just want to lock myself in our house and just lay on the couch.  But i am too scaried to let my feelings out, am scaired of falling apart.

I want my Larry back I miss him so much.  The lord continues to give me strenght, but it feels like a different life i am entering and not sure if i like it.


Am so confused
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: SunLilly on July 13, 2009, 08:34:12 PM
Maybe it would be a good time to start learning something new that you were interested in but never took up.., like piano lessons or snowboarding or hiking or whatever moves you.

Being alone too much can really make depression work. Is there a local grief group in your area? You might want to check into that.   Take care.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on July 14, 2009, 07:48:03 AM
flamingo

Feeling lonely and depression were/are there for me too, and I still do feel so alone without Jim. From talking to others, from people posting on here, I FORCED myself to get out. It was not easy and still is not. I have a very, very hard time with seeing couples when I am out; in church, at the store, even in my own family; they get to be together and happy and life goes on. I would go to the store, just for an excuse to myself, if even to buy a can of soup. It is not easy. People were calling alot for the 1st few months, now the phone does not ring. I have called others and said OK, now I am ready, but now they are "busy" with their own lives. Don't tell a person in grief that you will be there for them later, and not be. I have learned a new compassion for those in grief.

Going home after work and the weekends are the toughest for me too, as it's just me and the dog. I have been trying to walk every night. It seems to help and gets me to breathe! When I get those panick attacks, I need to take those deep breaths.

It is a different life we are entering; one I don't like, didn't choose, but here it is anyway.

As sunlilly suggested, is there a grief group in your area? I went to one called grief-share (can find online for one in your area) and a grief group thru the hospital. They both helped so much; to talk and share with others who know what you are going through. You can "let" your feelings out, can "fall apart" there, as they will be there to "pick you up". Just know that I care and am thinking of you.

Kay

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on July 14, 2009, 05:30:33 PM
thank you guys for your support.  Sometimes it does just help to just write things down here.
I appreciate your suggestions and may look into a support group, and I know that things take it's course just hate this stuff.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on August 01, 2009, 07:02:35 PM
Well it's been 10 months since I lost Larry.  I can't believe that it has been that long.  It seems just yesterday he died in front of me.
I miss him so much.  There is so much that I want to share with him.  He accepted me for who I am.  He was a wonderful man, although i don't think that he realized how wonderful he was even though I told him.  He would have been so shocked to see all of the people who came to his services.

I waited so long for him to be in my life.  We didn't meet until we were in our late thirties and didn't marry until our late fourties.
He was my first boyfriend, hadn't met anyone worth spending time with until I met him.

I know that I have the lord with me but I really miss the intimacy that I had with him.  My doggies do help but they aren't him.

I miss him so much.  The pain is less as time goes on but the reality does hit, I know for sure now that he won't be coming back.

Love you honey.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: SoCal2010 on August 02, 2009, 03:10:52 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm similar to you in that I'm older and still haven't found that special person. I never felt bad about that until my Mom passed away and I realized how alone I am. I won't ever find that special man, but I'll just have to live with it.

I'm glad you met Larry and that you both felt so loved by each other. That's a blessing.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: 1wabbit1 on August 06, 2009, 10:30:05 PM
Flamingo, Your story is so sad, as is everyone's here, including mine. And our stories are similar. I'm still so fresh in my grief, going to be 4 weeks tomorrow. I hate to think how I'll be feeling tomorrow, where my mind and memories will take me. I wish I could sleep through it all.

Same as you, I've also lost a friendship through this short period. I think I know how you feel about it, too. It is so sad. Not only do we lose our loved one, but our friendships as well.

Fred and I also met later in life, and were together 12 years, well, 13 all together. I know what you meant when you said those 13 years were not enough. I wanted MORE, and still want MORE. Last night I told God to give him back to me, that he was MINE not His. He can have him back later, when we would go together.

Today I was walking outside on the west side of my building and looked up to where our deck is, and half expected Fred to hang over the edge and wave at me, like he used to do. He will never do that again, ever, and I'm so sad. Nothing in life will be the same again and I don't know I want to accept anything new.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on August 09, 2009, 07:29:40 PM
Today for some reason i decided to watch the video of our wedding on April 21.07.  I watched it thinking that within 6 months ofour wedding he was diagnosed with bladder cancer but the prognosis was good.  On our first anniversary we were at the cancer center and he was having his 5 hour chemo treatment and then 5 months later he was dead.

Larry and i made our own vows and his were so wonderful. 

I remember about  amonth after we were married Larry was acting like a jerk and after we talked he said he was scaired , he was scaird that he was going to screw this marriage up like he did the others (he had been married to three other women) - I remeber telling him that we have already been toghether for 12 yrs and our roots iIIIIn our relationshiup were strong and nothing was going to tear us apart.  Well little did I know that the cancer was growing in him at that very time.  I will say that we have not been torn apart but i do miss him sooooo much.

It'll be eleven months this month,.

It had been hard but i will say that i am having more better days than bad days.



Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on August 09, 2009, 08:51:54 PM
Thinking of you Flamingo, sorry we are here missing our partners so much. I send you wishes for peace, some good days and strength in your low times.
Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on August 19, 2009, 08:08:31 PM
In a little over a month it will be a year since Larry passed away.  I can't believe that it has been a year, where did it go. 
I still miss him so much, i remember all that we went through.  It all seems like a nightmare to me. 
The year has gone by but i wasn't really living i was just getting through each day. 

Now i think what is next in my path.

I don't really enjoy doing things because he isen't with me, i just do things to conitnue to live each day.

What is next I wonder.  I know that praying helps but I still wonder what is next.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: carrieset on August 19, 2009, 10:01:43 PM
Flamingo:

It is amazing how quickly it goes by.  I am a few days shy of 8 months after losing Laurence.

It is almost surreal, but it is REAL.  It seems like yesterday that he died, yet it seems like forever ago. 

I, too, wonder what is next.  Where do I go from here???  After caregiving for him for so long, I'm still not sure what my role is in this new life.

I can emphatize with you.  It does seem like a nightmare, but I knew I was in the nightmare over 3.5 years ago when brain cancer stepped in.......

It is such a lonely existence for me now.

Peace to you,

Carrie
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on August 20, 2009, 08:29:21 AM
Flamingo;

I am so sorry you are still hurting so much. Just getting through each day, like a robot is how I feel. I understand the missing of Larry and not enjoying to do anything. I just got back from a trip and it was worse coming home to that empty house; it was awful, not wanting to be home. I thought of Jim everyday and how much we should have been enjoying it together. It was wonderful to spend the time with all of my boys, and that brought me so much joy and happiness.

It will be 9 months tomorrow that my world stopped; it hurts alot. But, where does the time go? Did this happen yesterday? It sure feels that way. I didn't think I would make it past each month; there have been so many things that have happened. So many things yet unresolved with his kids. So many decisions yet to make about things. I still feel overwhelmed. I don't want this past 9 months, I want it to be 4 years ago, when we started to go out. It hurts.

I pray you will continue to have better days.

(((hugs))) and peace.

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: browneyedgirl on August 20, 2009, 10:02:12 AM
Thinking of all of you.....just so sorry that you are all hurting so much. 

(((((hugs)))))
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on August 30, 2009, 04:26:41 PM
As it gets closer to the year anniversary of Larry's death I am finding it hard to control the tears and sadness.
I just want to hold up in my house with my doggies and I guess wait for my death so I can join himl.

Am scaired of the future, but i do know that i have to continue to believe that God has a plan for me.


Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: teppuM999 on August 30, 2009, 04:57:25 PM
can definitey relate to fear of the future

the tree outside my apartment is now sporting yellowing leaves.
when matthew died, things were just fully greening up here.
what happened to the time?
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on August 30, 2009, 08:21:39 PM
flamingo;

I could have posted word for word what you said, except it's Jim and I have 1 dog.

Peace and (((hugs))) to us all

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: teppuM999 on August 30, 2009, 10:24:59 PM

I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what.

flamingo, i can so relate to that

sending you good thoughts
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on August 31, 2009, 05:57:03 PM
Flamingo and Teppu;

(I get so sad because I waited so long to meet him and we had such a short time.  He was such an amazing man, he was my soul mate that always accepted and loved me no matter what).

again, I am just copying what you said, as it could have been my exact words.

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on August 31, 2009, 07:09:53 PM
THank you for all of your support guys, but now what.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: MISSINGYOU on September 01, 2009, 06:01:27 AM
Now we do what we have to to heal and live on as that is what I believe our loved ones would want us to do. We do not forget, the pain subsides but never goes away and we remember the laughter and advice they would give us if they were on earth. My  opinion only.

Elizabeth
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: SoCal2010 on September 01, 2009, 10:10:15 AM
I think now everyone just needs to let themselves grieve but also find ways to nourish themselves. I've learned that if you don't have any type of hope for the future, you might as well give up. So I think everyone needs to hang on to some dream or something that at least gives them a purpose. For those of you with children or grandchildren, it's easy to find that since you have them to live for. For people without kids, it can be something else. For me, I'm dreaming of moving to another state so that's giving me some sense of hope. I might not move at all, but even occassionally thinking about it does me good. Otherwise I would just find the future 100 percent bleak.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: teppuM999 on September 01, 2009, 03:25:35 PM
finding a purpose is hard, now.
i have no idea, i feel like i don't have one. no future, nothing.
honestly, i never really felt like i did. never felt like i'd live very long, that i would die early so nothing really mattered.
then with matthew, suddenly i wanted to live forever. we had a plan -- first time in my life i felt like there was a real plan, and a future.
now he's gone, and along with him, the future.

it's very hard to find anythign to believe in now. =p
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 01, 2009, 07:08:22 PM
I do realize that I really am not in control of my future, that God has a plan, it's just hard to imagine hopefully fulfilling my plan without Larry in my life.  I got so use to his support and belief in me.  I do realize that God put him in my life to help me do things that I might not have had the nerve to do and it was God's plan to have Larry with him now, I guess I just have to get back into my faith more so i don't loose focus.

Thanks guys for listening, it hurts me also to know that there are alot of other people hurting and lost.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: SoCal2010 on September 01, 2009, 11:21:32 PM
When I listen to those of you who have lost spouses/S.O. it makes me realize how much a person can change your life and how you feel about everything. I haven't had that soul-mate experience but reading some of your posts makes me realize how special it must be to feel that. It's nice to hear that you all found someone who made you feel so happy. I'm sorry your time together was too short. (((hugs)))
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 02, 2009, 05:51:34 PM
I was just crying thinking about all that has happened in the past year, and it hit me , something I wrote here a while ago ----my husband had such courage in dealing with the cancer, the treatment then finding out it was back and then finding out that he was dying-- if he had the courage to do all that i think i have the courage to face another day.

Thanks hon you once again saved the day.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: MISSINGYOU on September 03, 2009, 05:18:41 PM
well said flamingofred well said
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 06, 2009, 07:09:54 PM
a year ago this weekend we found out that his cancer had come back in a few places.  I remember feeling that my world had stopped, the floor came out from under me, but tried to hold it together for him,.

he asked me while at home a couple of days later what the cancer meant in terms of coming back and i had to tell him that he was dying and that we just had to find out how much time he had left.
I couldn't lie to him, he was my soul mate and wanted an answer to question that I think tha the knew what the answer was anyway.

I am glad that I was the person to tell him instead of a doctor.

memmories

As it turned out he only had three weeks left to liveafter diagnosed,but we only found this out when he had one week to live
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 14, 2009, 06:48:09 PM
The worst part about larry having passed away a year ago is that it is now so real that he is gone.  I can't fool myself into believing that he will be back.  Now I have to move on and I don't want to.  I just want him back.  What is my life going to be like now and in the future.


So many thoughts and questions, I'll just keep praying
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Linda1977 on September 17, 2009, 10:21:44 PM
I am sorry for your loss.  I found this forum just 2 days ago and am so glad that I did.  I hope you find comfort in knowing that a lot of people care about what you are going through.  It will hopefully help us all get through the process of dealing with the new "normal" of living without our loved one that has passed.

  I watch what it has done to my dad after my mom was killed by a drunk driver back in December.  So, we deal with our own grief of losing my mom and then have to watch our dad suffer without her.  They were married for 58 years.  I noticed recently that he had taken their marriage certificate and put it in a frame and had it in the living room.  He talks about the early years, how they met, things that happened, etc.. 

Anyway, may God hold you up until you can stand on your own.

Linda

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 19, 2009, 11:02:01 AM
Thank you Linda.

Yesterday a year ago he found out he had a week at the most to live.

It is so strange this stupid grieving process.  Now thoughts are in my head like okay my heart still hurts, but what is next.
I come home to my puppies every day, do some things with friends but I feel like I have to rebuild or do something.  Probably it has to do with a big part of my life missing and my need to fill it.
It is weird.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on September 21, 2009, 03:55:05 PM
Indeed, yes, Flamingo.  So many thoughts and questions.  No way of knowing what lies ahead.  Surprises, surely.  Because life seems, to me anyhow, one long bag of surprises.  Isn't it as well we cannot tell the future, IMO.

Best wishes
Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 25, 2009, 09:08:07 AM
A year ago today Larry passed away.

Chomper (my doggy, Courtney my other doggy can barely walk) and I are going to go to the off leash doggie park and let some of Larry's ashes go.  He loved this park - you could see the rockies.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on September 26, 2009, 10:22:24 AM
I am so sorry Flamingo. The Rockies must be amazing!!!!! What a phenomenal tribute and with the dogs too. I am sorry you are missing your Larry. Just remember when you feel alone you are not. We care.
Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Jap Jr on September 27, 2009, 08:41:57 AM
feeling for you on your 1 yr date; hope you and your doggies had a good day at the park and letting some of Larry's ashes go ......

peace, comfort and some (((hugs)))

Kay
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on September 28, 2009, 12:06:51 PM
Also wishing you peace of mind, and hopefully more easeful times ahead. 

All the best
Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on September 28, 2009, 05:01:29 PM
Thank you all for your support.

Letting some of his ashes go at the doggie park was helpful, I felt like I was taking care of him,which I was so use to for the last year of his life.  It also made it more real, the year anniversary made it so real.  Prior to that I think that I was still in shock.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on October 23, 2009, 04:48:14 PM
am in shock.  A few months ago a fibroid growth was found in my uterus and a surgery date was set, went today just to see where things are at and surgery moved up from Feb .10 to in the next couple of weeks and found out that chances are high that i may have cancer.

I am in absolute shock --- having a drink and a good cry
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: cokieslittlegirl on October 24, 2009, 07:34:32 AM
So sorry to hear this...you must be so frightened. But they don't know until they KNOW.  Hang in there, whatever it is, be confident in you.

Sending Thoughts your way.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on October 25, 2009, 08:48:27 AM
I hae been doing alot of talking with God.  A part of me wouldn't mind joining him and Larry and then a part of me wants to stick around.
Am getting deja vu - came out of the blue with Larry and even though they predicted complete recovery we all know what happened.
I guess where I am at today is to pray, have my converstations with God, and his will will be his will.


Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on October 26, 2009, 02:36:41 PM
Dear (((Flamingo))))
I am thinking of you! I am sure we all are thinking of you. This is too much sometimes, these overwhelming moments. Keep fighting for the good moments, as best you can. My heart goes out to you as you keep finding energy. Keep writing here, I hope.
Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on October 30, 2009, 06:39:59 PM
Thank you all for your support.

Did some more tests but only the operation will tell for sure.  except for the blood work which may be a false positive anyway.

Am still awaiting a surgery date. Health care in Alberta is disgusting - the richest province and the worst health care go figure.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: mousewife on October 31, 2009, 11:12:46 AM
Flamingo,

This is an upsetting and frightening blow to deal with alone I know.  I have prayed for you today.  I pray for the best for you.

I understand a little bit of how you feel, because I have had some upsetting news myself this week.  Nothing life-threatening, but still very upsetting.  I was told that I have a drusen in my left eye, which is what causes macular degeneration, and also that the pressure in both my eyes is so high that I may have glaucoma.   I have no idea how I would manage to take care of myself alone if I did lose my sight.  I have follow-up appointments scheduled and I am praying and hoping that these will show something different.

I hope for a good report for you as well.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on November 06, 2009, 07:25:36 PM
I don't have cancer.  Am emotionally exhausted.  thank you all for your prayers.  when i was thinking that i may have cancer and could die part of me felt that being with God and Larry wouln't of course be such a bad thing.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: mousewife on November 15, 2009, 08:12:41 PM
Glad to hear you don't have cancer.  I know the thought of being with our loved ones and with God and Christ is something we desire.  But, personally, I hope I never have to die that way because I can't bear for the same monster that won against my husband to take me too, or any one else for that matter.  It claims too many lives as it is.

Peace and Healing--the journey is long,
mousewife
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Luvinmike on November 16, 2009, 05:04:40 AM
 This is good to hear Flamingo, I agree with mouse. You don't need more pressures right now. At least not health issues. So sorry you are missing Larry every day.
Terri
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on November 16, 2009, 08:57:36 PM
thank you all for you support.  am feeling somewhat better re; no cancer but am missing L so much.

i am so tired of all of the crap that i have had to deal with ---- i wish i could just take a year off and do some healing maybe being off for 6 weeks re recovering from surgery is a good break.

part of me is also so tired of complaining.

need to do some praying.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on January 09, 2010, 09:25:58 PM
surgery went well, am healing now.

Have decided to take my anitdepressants i think i need the extra bit of help.  have been struggling with caring about anything other than my doggies.

hopefully that and some praying will help.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: sevenofwands on January 10, 2010, 07:44:21 AM
So very glad to hear that news, Flamingo.  It must be a relief to you, enormously.  Just take care of yourself, you deserve and need that now, in order to recover completely.  Sorry you feel you have to take the medication, and no doubt you have spoken with your doctor about this.  Try to rest, pace yourself, and eat as well as you can.

All the best
Seven
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on January 28, 2010, 08:31:19 PM
I have healing nicely from surgery and my mom has left to visit with my brother and then back to Toronto.  It was so awesome having her here.
So now am alone again.  Cried when she left.  I feel like the anitdepressants are starting to work, I need to get back to my faith, having been praying and going to church, will go this weekend, I need to get connected again then I don't feel so alone.

I still keep thinking now what.  I will have to get my life on track and maybe now that my health is good again I can start to focus on things more positive.

Hope everyone is doing well. 
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Bigdog9357 on February 01, 2010, 01:09:32 PM
Thank you so much for being here and GOD BLESS, You do give me hope that this will be ok in time,  Thank god I am clean&sober today AMEN.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Nokka on February 11, 2010, 02:15:47 PM
Hello Flamingo...Im very new to this forum and have just read thru ur story and it touched me so much as i have only recently lost my Wife to cancer and my story is so similar to yours i just had to post.. Im only 36 years old and lost my wife after only 6 years of marriage and only tens years together.. I hope your healing well and i only wish for good things for you..  Life is tough and to me right now it feels empty but to know there are other people like me gives me strength to challange yet another day alone.. My thoughts are with you
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: georgiapeaches on February 11, 2010, 06:26:47 PM
HI Nokka
I"m so sorry for the loss of your wife, I lost my husband 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage I dont think it matters how long your together, its such a terrible loss. I'm glad you posted and hope you know you are not alone on this journey.

Georgia.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 14, 2010, 12:00:05 AM
Thank you all for your strength and courage.
Every challenge or problem I have I pray and I also think of the strenght and the courage that my husband had.
If I live the rest of my life by myself I really won't be if that makes any sense.  I have my lord, and my husband in my heart.
I feel so blessed that I was loved so much by my husband.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 20, 2010, 07:12:25 PM
A hard day yesterday and today.  Don't know why but it was hard.  Cried and was just sad.  Actually had  a weird dream with my husband in it and it was weird ---- feeling a little out of sorts --- prayed alot ==== I just want Larry back.  It's hard dealing with everyday life without your soul mate around, i know i have the lord but still miss my larry.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 28, 2010, 04:30:43 PM
I cried today when Canada won the gold in hockey mostly because Larry would have been so proud, he loved hockey.  This one is for you.

Love you honey, when I was watching the game with Chomper I thought of you throughout the whole game, it was almost like you were here watching it with me even though i know you are in heaven.

Love you honey.
K C & C
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 02, 2010, 08:55:10 PM
Nokka

thank you for reading my story.  I am sorry that our stories are so similar as I know we would want our loved one to be with us at this time.
It does get better in time, but it is important to feel what you need to feel.


K
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 08, 2010, 07:32:19 PM
so have had to quit my job based on values and ethics, hope i can find another one.
it is so hard to go through things without your soul mate.\

still so hard to get use to it.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 11, 2010, 07:19:38 PM
Last night for whatever reason I felt the need to go through the box that the funeral home gave me, it has all of the cards of condolences, his obit, and some other things. 
This is the third time in 1.5 yrs that i went through this box.
Alot of memmories, especially when he got sick.  Sometimes the memmories are vivd sometimes real strong. 

I prayed , thanking the lord for allowing me to have Larry in my life for the time that i had him.

Woke up the next day in a better frame of mind, not feeling so alone.

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 26, 2010, 06:31:25 PM
Really missing L.  Miss not being loved unconditionally like he did.  Missing the intimacy.  Each day roles into another without him.
Quit my job without another one to go to -  quit due to ethics - even though i have great friends and family that are supportive it is not like having L around.  with L around i felt that i could take the world on.

I loved him so much.
I miss him so much.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Ramses on April 01, 2010, 09:15:34 AM
Dear Flamingofred:

Thank you for giving me access to my feelings.  I get so wound up with all of the procedures that follow a death, probate and estates, dealing with people who seem to have no feelings and make demands that are almost sadistic, that I forget that I am "hurting alot" as you say. 
It's a stormy day here in London; I have never heard it thunder or seen it lightening in this fashion.  It is almost a metaphor for the way I am feeling, the rain like tears, the thunderous roar my voice to those for whom my hurt doesn't figure into the equation, you know the type, the one's that say "well you have to move on."
My partner died January 1, 2010.  We were together six years; three of those years were lived dealing with cancer.  He, too, taught me.  Sometimes I believe he was guided to me to take me on this voyage so that I would learn and grown.  "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherited the earth."  Is that how it goes?  Well, I have spent almost three years touching soil, getting my hands dirty and watching beautiful English gardens grow.  I don't know that I would have done this without Chris and the journey he had to take and one on which he allowed me passage.  I just came inside from trying to restore his garden.  I ws hurting so bad and when I dug the holes and the little robins followed me around, I felt I was doing what Chris would have me do.  But I must say thanks to you for helping me access these feelings at this moment; my body was feeling so contricted and the pain needed release.  I wish you all the best; your story and your words , even though filled with pain, are healing. 

Kindness to you,

Ramses
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 02, 2010, 07:25:22 PM
thank you for sharing your story ramses.  feelings is what makes us human, feelings also connect us to the past.
the pain does lessen but the memories are still so alive.  my heart still hurst, not as much.
I often pray and it helps, one of the things that makes me feel better is to know that my husband is no lnger suffering, he with the lord enjoying life.

i still miss himso much

Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: leo on April 07, 2010, 03:19:15 AM
Hi Flamingofred,
Glad to see that you are doing well...I know the hurt and the sorrow that you feel...I feel as if I am wandering around between worlds...like a twilight zone...never to be able to come out again...I try and think what my beloved wife would say to me...she would want me to do better than I am doing...but I can't help myself sometimes...I know that I must try...but then I ask myself why? Who knows...it is as if the people who come to this site have been relegated to that world in between worlds of sad souls...we all should try...keep hold of your fond memories...they are yours forever...I hope that you find more comfort and some happiness down the road...
Leo
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: cecilia on April 07, 2010, 08:52:07 AM
Hello all,  I lost my husband/best friend feb 17, 2010. We were together 25 years. How to go on now. I don't know. We have 6 kids. so I have a house full.................But I am still so lonely...always missing him...................I am so sorry for all of your losses................
I  just don't understand any of this my husband was young and we never knew he was that sick. One day out shopping the next day he couldn't wake all the way up.....then he passed .....WHY...........I hate this.....We did everything together..... He had been disable due to a work accident 11 yrs ago. So all our time was spent together.....This pain is so unbareable...............Sorry
cecilia
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 08, 2010, 06:53:26 PM
cecelia

The pain is unbearable right now but i can say that it does get less.  If we didn't love so hard we wouldn't hurt so bad, how can it be wrong to love.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: cecilia on April 09, 2010, 06:42:46 PM
Thank you flamingofred.....
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 18, 2010, 08:12:51 PM
This week would have been out third wedding anniversary.  Time goes by so fast.  I miss L so much.  Getting up each day is a little easier but i still wish he was here.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on April 24, 2010, 10:39:26 PM
Hi
I know how you are feeling, I lost my husband April 6, to pancreatic cancer, We were also soulmates, we were married 43 years, I am lost and in shock,  I am so sorry for your loss, I understand your pain, I am numb now and feel dead myself inside.  I also was with him when he passed, and also saw the pain and anxiety he went through, it was horrible, My husband was 60, young and very strong, until this monster got hold of him and in 7 weeks total he was gone. I just can't believe it.  I will pray for you and all of us here on this site, we are all suffering.
God Bless
Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 28, 2010, 06:13:15 PM
Dear closs86

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  You are a brave woman, and I know that because I know exactly what you went through.  You helped your husband to move on and even though it hurst like hell now truly it will get better.
Some days are better than others.

I too will pray for you.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 03, 2010, 12:00:04 PM
I am currently unemployed have been for two weeks, had to quit my job baed on my moral values and ethics, but anyway, need to find a job soon, being home is hard with no structure.  I think more of the memmories of my late husband- get more upset.  I generally love my memories but these ones are of his sickness etc.  I need the structure of a job as this keeps me more positive and decreases my feelings of lonliness.

Also have been thinking about what is in my future.  I want the intimacy that I had with Larry but L was my soulmate so again what is in my future.

I know that the answer is to give it to God but I just can't help thinking about htat.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: poppy on May 06, 2010, 08:01:53 PM
Hello,

I haven't been on this site very long. I lost my Greg to a heart attack 4 weeks ago today. It is hard to go on without him. I go to work but coming home is torturous. I hate going up to bed at night. He was such a vital part of our family and it seems so hard to go on without him.

Poppy
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 07, 2010, 09:34:23 PM
Hi Poppy
   So very sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband April 6, but from sudden aggressive pancreatic cancer,  I just don't know what to say, I know the pain you are going through, it hurts so much, i can hardly breathe sometimes,  I go around like a robot, going through the motions, without thinking, mindless, and dead inside.  I don't understand why these things have to happen.  so sad
I wish you the best
take care
karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: barbp on May 08, 2010, 08:49:30 AM
Poppy,

it is 4 weeks for me today since Jeff passed away. Just like you I do ok when I am around people, but being home alone is crushing. I cry all the time and just have this empty feeling inside of me. Most of the time it feels like my head is in a fog.

Going to sleep in the bed he died in is so hard. We had such a good, close relationship and I can't imagine the rest of my life without him. Even though we only had 17 months together, it always felt to us as if we knew each other forever.

I don't know how I can move on, not sure if I even want to. :(
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: MomILoveYou on May 10, 2010, 06:20:53 PM
Hi there my name is Luke I live in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. I just turned 28 on April 15th. I'm sry for your loss flamingo red, I recently lost my mom on April 1st 2010. She passed away in hospital with me and the rest of my family around her, she was unconscious, but I know her spirit knew we were there with her. The reason for her passing away was that she aspirated on food. This means that when she was eating, she swallowed food wrong into her lung passage and it blocked her airway. The night that it happened she was not feeling well and had taken her sleep aid to help with her pain so she could fall asleep in the car on the way home(she had 2 major bone and muscle diseases), my dad found her outside beside my car, she was alone outside eating a burger for all but 2-3 minutes.. He came running in and told me to go help him and that my mom had passed out in the lane way. I tried to help my mom and give her CPR, but I panicked, I don't feel that I did things right.. and the Paramedics took a very long time coming to my house. They also did many things wrong and could have probably saved her life had they not taken so long and did many things backwards She had gone without oxygen for a long time so her brain suffered alot of damage. After quite a few minutes they managed to get her vitals back and brought her to the hospital, She was in hospital for a total of about 3 days. During this time there were test conducted, and I must say the way that the doctor treating my mom acted hurt me very much and not all but some of her nurses were not so pleasant. This whole thing has been extremely hard for me, not that it is about me.. but now I have lost an amazing mom. I think about it every minute of everyday and I just spent my first birthday and mother's day without my mom. Sometimes I feel like im going crazy because of how in shock I still am about all of this happening, I had to watch my sweet caring mother pass away in the hospital. I guess part of me is still in denial that my best friend is gone to heaven so early, she was only 53 she would have been 54 in July. I miss my mom so much and am I totally heartbroken, me and my mother were extremely close and she was a strong woman and was always there for me, even when she was going through so much God and her family were her life, she truly was a super mom. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could have replaced her with myself in the hospital over those 3 days, part of me thinks I'm to blame for what happen because I didn't help her right it seems and I gave her the food she choked on. I forgive the paramedics for messing up but its hard not to think about it. I really can't see my life without my mom. I have been struggling now for 6 solid weeks. I have 2 little girls that need their daddy and I have been doing my best to care for them (not an easy task). I miss and love my mom so much and I can't begin to tell you how empty I feel that part of my life and me as a person has died. I always told my mom whenever she would pass away, I didn't know if I could handle it. I fight everyday to stay stable even though most days I think I'm getting worse and losing my fight. I try my best in honor of my MoM and God, because I know both of them would want me to try my best that and I'm a christian, so I know I'll see my mom soon enough in heaven. If I can say one thing I must say, I don't think anything can compare to losing your mother the person that raised you and made you the person you are today. My mother taught me well and everything she did teach me I'll never forget I miss her smile and she sweetness and her tight loving hugs. I just want my mom back.. but I know it can't happen till I see her in heaven. I guess all I have to say is i might not know exactly how everyone of you feels.. but I know I understand totally and feel the same pain you do. I just pray that well all get through our loss and have strength to get through each day. Take care all, my God bless and touch your heart as you deal with loss.

Luke~~
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 11, 2010, 02:35:22 PM
To Luke and others suffering.  luke I am sure that you did the best you could for your mom.  I think that when someone dies we all take some responsibility and say we could have done something different I know that that is the case in my situation. 
I believe that God said it was time for your mom to come to him, she had completed her mission here on earth and obviously one of the missions is raising a great son.
She is also not completely gone, she is in your heart.

If I can suggest, just take one day at a time - go through your feelings - hold and hug your daughters when you are feeling sad.

When things get hard for me I always think about the courage that my husband showed when he was sick and dying and figure if he could have that courage then i should to go on.

Take care.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 11, 2010, 04:33:35 PM
Hi Luke
  I understand the shock you are talking about, My husband passed away suddenly in 3 weeks, and I am still numb and can't believe it.
   It takes time to make it real, not that we want to because I don't, but thats what I hear.  It is horrible to lose anyone that you love,  and like you lost your mom is very shocking, at least I had 3 weeks to hear them telling me that he wasen't going to live.
    If you need to talk to your doctor, maybe he can help you find some grief support groups in your area, they do help, I am very sorry for your loss,
    They tell me one day at a time, that is all we can do, we don't really have a choice
Take care
Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 12, 2010, 04:46:54 PM
Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and go over the sympathy cards, and pictures of Larry and I - I cry and then go back to bed.

In Sept will be two years, I can't believe it. I still expect him to come through the front door.

Living hurts less but still hurst without him.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 12, 2010, 07:01:43 PM
Hi Flamingo Fred,
       I have his pictures all over the bedroom, it makes me feel like he is here with me,  Today was a bad day for me from the minute i got up, I just wanted to get back in bed, but I did push myself and went to work, it still was a bad day but at least I was with people, Now I am happy that it is almost bedtime, look forward to sleeping.
        I don't think we will ever get used to the idea that they are not coming home anymore,
Good Night
Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 14, 2010, 05:04:31 PM
yah I think you are right, won't ever get used to the idea that Larry is gone.

I still think that he will walk through the door.  I miss him so much, but i am so glad that we did have the time that we did together, he was an awesome man.  He taught me how to love with your whole heart.

Flamingo Fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 14, 2010, 07:35:11 PM
Hi
  They had to be awesome, or we wouldn't be so devastated., we loved them so so much.  I am also happy that we had a great life, 43 years together, but don't  and can't understand why it had to end, I know there is no answer, but I just keep asking the stupid question WHY?????????
   Good Night and Peace to all
     Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: jaxsaint on May 16, 2010, 06:19:56 PM
Hi all,
I lost my husband 54 days ago.  He survived cancer for 24 years and was killed while crossing the street on his way home.  I can't process the thought that he isn't coming home.  I went back to work two weeks ago, we worked together, and I can't believe he isn't going to walk into my classroom and remind me to leave on  time.  I rush home, like I always did when away from him, wanting to spend time with him.  Now I cry and wonder why I can't stop hoping he'll be home cooking when I get there.

I don't want to wake up anymore without him.  I hate going to sleep without him.  The last conversation we had was while he was tucking me into bed at night.  He was making light of my needing to be tucked in and said "I love you, don't you know I'm never going to leave you."  He left, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without him.  I  don't want to live a long life without him.

Just needed to vent.
Thank you
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: leo on May 16, 2010, 07:59:53 PM
Hello Flamingofred,
I know what you mean...I will never get used to my darling wife being gone...it is 65 days and I still can not accept it...I go to her computer room expecting to see her...wanting to give her an affectionate hug..a kiss...I agree with Karen and ask the question why...why...why...nothing makes any sense any more...wishing you well...
Leo
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 16, 2010, 08:32:09 PM
Hi Jaxsaint,
       so sorry for your loss, that is so sudden, and so horrible, my heart goes out to you.  We are all here for the same reason, we are all in pain, and are trying to comfort each other and just listen.  I know how much pain you are in I lost my husband April 6 in 3 weeks, he was diagnosed and passed.  so I am still in shock, it is terrible, you can't focus, or think straight, sometimes I feel like it didn't happen, especially when I am at work, I feel like he is at home making dinner also, waiting for me.  It is so upsetting when I come through the door and no one is there.
    I don't think that we will ever get used to this, we just have to learn how to cope with it, and I don't really know how we are going to do it, but we don't have much of a choice,
Sorry for your and everyone on here's pain
Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on May 31, 2010, 06:41:14 PM
it is now one and a half years since larry passed away.  besides missing him so much a new thing is happening and that is that i go through the horrible experience in my mind before i go to sleep.  it is so weird.

flamingo fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on May 31, 2010, 09:21:32 PM
Hi Flamingo Fred,
      I guess we will always have some kind of feelings or thoughts to deal with for the rest of our lives.  I miss Johnny every minute of every day, but I feel like he is with me, right next to me and that gives me a little peace in my heart. I know he won't leave me until we can go together where ever that will be.
     Well have a good sleep tonight
     Take care
    Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on July 06, 2010, 09:53:26 PM
haven't been on for a while.  last night while praying i asked God to say hi to larry for me and had a good cry ---- i meet new people who will never know what a wonderful man larry was other than me telling them --- i miss him soooo much.

flamingo fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: closs86 on July 07, 2010, 08:40:11 PM
Hi Flamingo Fred
     Glad to hear from you, we will miss them forever, and ever, that will never change,
Hugs
Karen
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: tahari01 on August 21, 2010, 08:32:04 AM
I lost my mom on August 1st.  Just three weeks ago.  She had a massive heart attack and had just moved in with my husband and me the day before she died.  I gave her CPR, but she died in my arms after reviving her once.  It hurts a lot for me too because like you...I, too, remember that night.  The nights are the worst for me.  But they are slowly easing. Not much, but they are.  I loved her so very much. I was the baby of the family of 5 kids (me being the fifth).  I cannot fathom what it will be like when I lose my husband. I only hope I go before he does, as I don't think I'd be able to handle the pain of losing him.

Love to you,
Lillian
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on December 30, 2010, 08:43:58 PM
Thank you for the support.  This christmas was hard, the first christmas i was still in shock as he had just died a few months prior, the second year i just had an operation and my family was around supporting me, this year on my own for the first time since he died even though i went to friends place for christmas dinner.
the pain has subsided but now i think what isnext.  what is out there for me.  i had the most wonderful man love me now what.

i pray and helps me feel less alone and i know that i amnot in control of my future so pray about that and find it really helps but i still ask the question - what is next
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: jaxsaint on December 31, 2010, 09:54:52 AM
I'm glad to see a post from you.  I hope the last few months have been a little better.  I've been working so hard to find what is next for me, but the past few weeks I've come undone.  Today should've been our first wedding anniversary.  At this point I can't even decide what is next for the day.  Do I stay alone (which is how I feel) or should I take everyone's advise and be with family?  I also had an amazing man love me.  I hope you find what is next for you.

Jackie 
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: zxcv on January 01, 2011, 09:31:08 AM
Thank you for the kind words.  Like you I made it threw the holidays, with tears, memories of good time, laughter and loneleness.  I pray that God will give streingth to continue the path he wants to lead us on.  God Bless Susan
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 03, 2011, 06:28:11 PM
I am continually amazed at people's strenght, honesty and caring.

It hurst me to see so many people in pain but if we wouldn't love then we wouldn't hurt when they leave us.

Hope is the word that come to mind of course along with Faith.

I often ask God to say hi to Larry for me and that i love and miss him.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 16, 2011, 09:17:48 PM
So it has been two and a half years since larry has passed away.  I am now looking at dating.   It was  a hard decision, do I want to find someone or do I want Larry, well of course would want Larry but can't have him so have to see what is out there.
Lets see what happens
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: browneyedgirl on February 17, 2011, 10:23:04 AM
I am sure Larry would want you to be happy.....follow your heart, you'll know what to do. :) 

Good Luck, and I am glad that you are healing.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on February 18, 2011, 09:27:55 PM
Thank you so much it makes so much sense
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 17, 2011, 07:54:25 PM
This past saturday I had to put one of my doggies to sleep.  He was larry's dog.  He had cancer.  He fought going just like Larry did.  Had this doggie for 13 yrs.  It was a shock - not expected , the whole experience reminded me all over again of loosing larry.

Am still trying to recover.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: browneyedgirl on March 18, 2011, 08:50:55 AM
I am so sorry, pets become just like family, I know mine are.  Sometimes they understand us better than other people.....

Any kind of loss can stir up those old feelings, I know. 

Come back and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: johnkmurray on March 18, 2011, 09:45:14 AM
This past saturday I had to put one of my doggies to sleep.  He was larry's dog.  He had cancer.  He fought going just like Larry did.  Had this doggie for 13 yrs.  It was a shock - not expected , the whole experience reminded me all over again of loosing larry.

I know what you mean. I lost my wife to cancer almost a year ago. Recently one of our cats, a cat Kit and I adopted only a couple of years after we were married. has been increasingly frail. She's almost 16 yrs old so this is hardly surprising that she's showing her age. (Heck, what's more surprising is that the other cat we adopted from the same litter is still healthy and strong!) Still, caring for this sick cat is brining back memories of a year ago when I was caring for Kit in the last few weeks of her illness. Kit and I were enver able to have children, so our furry kids are our family.

John
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on April 16, 2011, 09:31:59 PM
I believe Chomper fulfilled his destiney, he helped and supported me
to move one i have another doggie now who challenges me and this is good.  I am still so lonely now .  I don't often speak to god as much as i should.  I am very lonely.   I miss the intimacy the connection.
I don't know what my future holds i just have to beliveve in god and  inknow that i will be okay.
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on June 29, 2011, 06:21:21 PM
the other night Courtney my other cocker spaniel died in my arms looking up at me.  She was the last member aside from myself of my family.  She died of a heart attack in my bed.  Aside from loosing her only after a couple of months after i lost Chomper again she was part of my family with Larry.  So the grieving has been alot more difficult.
I truly have had enough death to last me a while i think - am so tired of loosing animals, people.

flamingo fred
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: browneyedgirl on July 05, 2011, 09:46:57 AM
(((flamingofred))))

Thinking of you and holding you close to my heart. 

I am so sorry for the loss of Courtney.......
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on November 02, 2011, 05:32:02 PM
thank you

i know that my relationship with God has supported me through all of this pain and loss
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: flamingofred on March 31, 2012, 08:30:00 PM
Its been a while since I have been here. Am feeling really lonely really struggling with what is next.  Scaried to take any step.  Work home and friends that is it right now/
Title: Re: new person-hurting alot
Post by: Terry on April 03, 2012, 04:14:04 PM

You and your precious Fred's anniversary is coming up soon and these dates bring back every memory to the surface.

Know that I understand. :(

Baby steps and remember this pain is the price of the great love you have for your soul mate in life. Do whatever you are comfortable doing and if that's just taking it easy, then that's what you need to do.

I've found that my greatest disappointments were always when my expectations exceeded my capabilities.

Know you are loved.

((((((((((FlamingoFred)))))))))

Love,
Terry