Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Grief not related to deaths => Topic started by: sharpie22 on December 21, 2008, 09:00:18 PM

Title: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on December 21, 2008, 09:00:18 PM
Hi all, I'm new to this so every little thing may help by your insight. I have been dating a girl for about a year and three months. Previous to me she went through 2 different relationships lasting about 4 years each. Each one of these relationships ended for a specific reason, nothing associated with her having doubts, just incompatibility. Anyways, getting back to me and her, lately we have been fighting off and on. About little things, things like we think that the other said something and we took it the wrong way or minor things like that. But the problem is that sometimes these arguments can get pretty heated and we both get upset about it to a great deal because in our hearts I know we both love each other more than anything. We see alot of each other when we are at school together (college) and when we come home we try to see each other some too, and hang out with the other's family. Whenever we are apart however, there is an unusual amount of reflecting that goes on in my girlfriends head, and my head to an extent also. Recently when coming home for winter break, she has decided that even though she loves me and wants to be with me that she needs some time to find herself. She knows that we have been having some problems and she thinks that part of that is to due with the fact that she is almost (as she calls it) "claustrophobic" in any relationship at the present time. She has been in a relationship for literally the past 9 years of her life and it is just getting to the point where she does not know who she is alone anymore. So....she wants a break.

We broke up over the past weekend and cried and got upset like usual breakups go. But it was not like usual in the fact that we both knew that we wanted to be with one another and that we repeatedly told each other that we loved one another throughout it all. I think that I was more upset than her and she consoled me alot after we discussed it, even getting angry at times because in her perspective she said that, "I must think that she is the worst person in the world for doing this." I obviously do not feel this way and still love the woman very much, but I do not know what to do. I do not want to be apart from her. To me, she is what makes me who I am, so losing her feels like losing a part of myself.

My question is, what do I do? Do I just accept the fact that she wants to be alone for a while and try to move on or do I pursue a relationship with her which what I want in my heart? I do not want to start dating again. I know that she is the one for me and that she is the woman that I wish to grow old with. The woman makes a part of me whole and I feel extremely empty inside without her. Although all of this is true though, I know that she needs some space to think and I have no idea how long it will take her. If this is going to take 3 weeks I would be completely fine with it, but if I was still waiting a year down the road then I don't know if i could handle that.

Just get me through this and give me some advice, PLEASE. My heart hurts extremely bad, and it doesn't help that everyone else is happy during the holidays.

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on December 22, 2008, 07:22:45 AM
If you dont allow your girlfriend the time and space that she needs, then you will more than likely lose her in the end.    Picture yourself holding a handful of sand.  Squeeze it really hard, as if you are holding on tight.  What happens?  It squeezes through your fingers and you lose it anyway.    Now pciture yourself holding sand in your hand gently.  What happens?  It stays right where you put it. 

I can not promise you that the two of you will be together forever even if you give her the space.   But what I can promise you is a healthier person for both of you.   Your girlfriend has been in a relationship more than she has been out of one.  Thats not necessarily healthy.   That sounds like a very insecure person who perhaps "needs" others to define  her self worth.  You dont want that in a girlfriend.    If you want her to grow and blossom into a healthy person for you to grow old with,  then you need to give her her space now.  Otherwise you may find yourselves 40 and married for 20 yrs and her wanting out b/c she never was able to have her space when she was 20.  IN other words,  give her her space now or she may want it later.

Let go and let her grow.  it will be better for both of you in the long run. 

As for you.... you need guy friends.   It is never ever healthy or wise for any guy (or girl) whether 20 yrs old or 40 yrs old,    to spend all of their time with one person.  You need a variety of friends  and family to hang out with.  For example,  I have a friend that all we do when we get to gether is dinner and a movie.  I have another friend who loves to go shopping,  so that friend and I do that.  Another freind and I do church stuff.   See,  a variety. 

So perhaps you need guy friends to study with.  Some other friends to play Wii with.  Another friend or two to go to the football games with. 

If you put all of your social life into one basket  (ie one friend) then you will be lost and hurt and emotionally needy and desperate,  if that friend moves away or moves on.     

Do both of yourselves a favor and find other friendships.  It will make for a healthier couple later on.   
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on December 22, 2008, 09:39:05 AM
LaurenE, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I know that it will be very difficult for me to let her grow like this but I understand completely what you are saying about her needing time at some point and it is better now than at age 40 down the road. I have some guy friends that I can lean on through all of this, I just don't like to discuss these kinds of things with most of them and your insight as helped a lot.

At this point what kind of contact would be appropriate with her? I tried to text her/ call her yesterday and the only thing that I can get is short responses and that she is basically too busy to answer her phone because she is doing things with her friends. I went to bed and know she is at work today so I am going to try to let her come to me at this point.

The only thing that I am worried about now is the fact of her maybe trying to let me down slowly so that she may remain available throughout this ordeal in case she finds someone better. I have confidence that we are a perfect match, but at sometimes I am unsure because of the fact that she is encouraging me to go date other people if I want to during this break. As she calls it, "This is just an excuse for you to kiss other girls, you should be excited!" In fact I am not excited at all because this gives her free reign to do the same thing with others also. She is a very pretty girl and almost every time we go out together she has to tell guys to go away because they are hitting on her, especially when she is alone, out with only her girlfriends. I myself am a very protecting boyfriend, and do not want anything of the sort happening. I know that she can take care of herself, but I worry that some boy might try to take advantage of her.

She will be still coming up to visit my family after Christmas here in a couple of days and I am not exactly sure how to react. Do I kiss her when she comes into the door like old times, or just act like we are friends and not show anything sexual at all toward her during her visit? The latter might be very hard for me considering we have always been close in that way and it seems extremely strange to not have that type of connection toward her. All that I really want to do right now is just cuddle with her and hold her...something that is not a usual thing for "only friends" to do.

At this point I am just confused on what to do on a day to day basis. I want to talk to her, but I do not want to smother her so that she can have this time to herself. I want to kiss her, but know that that will not help the situation at all and will just make it harder for both of us. I can hang out with my buddies but I just get depressed while doing this and looking down at my phone, expecting a call that never comes from her like usual. How do I find out how long I will need to go through this hell in order to get her back?

Thanks again
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on December 22, 2008, 05:54:49 PM
She may not know how long it will take so asking her may not get you an answer.  But I suspect, the sooner you let her go,  I mean really let her go,  the sooner you MAY get her back.   (letting her go means no communication until she feels she is ready and then even then,  she starts the communication, not you).   

ASk her what she wants in this break.   ask her to be specific of how she wants you to treat her or act when she comes to visit.  Come out and ask her if she would be ok with  a kiss when she walks in the door at your parents house.  If she says no kisses, just a hug, then  honor her wishes, however difficult it may be for you.

    Personally I would let her be the one to start the comminication each day.   If she wants to continue communicating with you, then let her be the first to txt, call,  email etc. daily.    if she does not contact you  daily then dont give her a hard time about it.   let it be the way she wants it to be.   She needs to miss you in order to see what she has let go of.    If you are callng or emailing or txt her daily, then you dont give her the chance to miss you.   You dont know what you;ve got, until its gone.  Give her the chance to see what she had and what she chose to leave behind for now.    If you are still  being the first one to txt, call, email etc,  then you really arent giving her her space.    and again,  this may send her further away from you.      If I asked for space and then my man was txt me or calling or emailing,  it would only piss me off more and he would be less desirable to me.  Neediness is not attractive, in either a guy or a girl.   

I know this must be very very difficult for you.   But please give her space and see what happens.    I hope it all works out in the end,  but if it doesn't,  you can say that you were honorable by following her needs and wishes at such a painful time.   

 I also  suspect you need this space yourself,  for growth and well..space,  as one can become too needy if they've been in a relationship for a long time or have not had time with other friends. 

let me know how things are going between you two.  I do hope there is a happy ending.  I just love happy endings! :)
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on December 22, 2008, 06:17:37 PM
Oh believe me I want the happy ending just as much as you do! I talked with her this morning and she seemed to be upset that I tried to contact her last night numerous times. I explained to her that this would take a little getting used to for me, as I am used to talking multiple times per day with her. She seemed to understand and we worked out that issue. After this I have decided that I am not going to be the one calling her, she needs to come to me. She called me this afternoon and asked if everything was alright and I assured her that I was fine and that all I wanted is for her to be happy in all of this.

I personally am doing a little better. A little over the initial shock of not being with her and worrying about it, I realize that this could be an important stepping stone to having a great relationship with her and getting over our problems that we have...or if it is not meant to be then we will both come to realize it together.

I really do want her to be a part of my life. My family has asked about her over the holidays here and seem excited to see her, especially my grandparents. There has always been an issue between her and my parents as my parents don't really believe that I should be in a serious relationship this soon in my life and don't really take her in as one of their own because of this fact. That is one reason I thank god for my grandparents because they love her just as much as they love me and can see that we are happy together (when we are together). If you couldn't tell I really didn't feel like telling my family the story of whats currently going on, so I just told them when she will arrive. She should be here on Friday and hopefully I can reconcile a few things with her then. My guess is she will stay until just before new years when I leave on my annual snowmobiling trip with one of my best friends. I leave on the second and I don't see myself being able to convince her to be the first one I kiss on new years because of this whole mess, plus she has to work new years day three hours away from my house. I'm sure it will be good for me to get away and have some fun though while giving her some additional space after new years until I return, as cell phone reception is virtually non-existent in the U.P. of Michigan.

Do you think that it would be smart to try to take her out over Christmas time? AKA a dinner and a movie, or similar? I just want to help her realize what she is missing with me and I think that that might help.

Sometimes I really do wish it were easier...... ;D

Thanks for your help again Lauren you have proved to be an invaluable source in all of this
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on December 22, 2008, 11:53:01 PM
Also had to add something.

Ever since me and my (ex girlfriend now i guess, god it hurts to say that) have been home she has been going out with her friends more back in her hometown and hitting up the bars, which is not a very usual thing for her. She has recently turned 21 however so I can understand why she would want to go out with her friends and drink w/ them. She grew up in a small town and now that she has been going out in it she has also met alot of old friends and met a guy that goes down to school with us. He asked for her number since he would be changing schools and attending our school and she gave him it. (the reason for this that i heard is because she wanted to just be friends with him when he came down), I cannot say that I am completely comfortable with her giving her number to other guys but if she knew him already than i guess that is okay. My question is, am I being extremely paranoid in thinking that her friends are some of the reason why she has been influenced to do this? Is it possible that she wants to try to find new friends and possibly a new boyfriend because of our issues and that is one of the main reasons behind our breakup? Keep in mind that she easily influenced by others, although she might tell you differently.

I just feel like I am being put on the back burner here. I feel as if when she realizes what she lost she will come back to me, but at the same time if she can find something better she will go with that. I do not want to be a backup plan in any way, I want to be the main one in her life and be the one that she thinks about every night whether she is staying at home or she is out with her friends, even if she is with other guys. I want to be person that makes her look at other guys and say "dang my guy is much better than all these". I just need to be number one in her life and it hurts so much to possibly not be that any more.

Knowing her well (tonight proved it to me), she will find it pretty darn difficult to keep on with this and not be with me. She told me tonight that it finally hit her full throttle and she finally realized what is going on and she said that it was terribly hard to deal with the pain that is hitting her. I agreed and somewhat let her dwell on it for the night just to see what feelings would come through. The night ended where she told me she was wearing my shirt to bed and hitting the hay.

I don't want to be a dick to her and ignore her calls, but if she keeps on calling me and texting me I don't know how she will get the point that we need to be apart for this plan to go through otherwise we might as well be together. Thats why I sort of ignored her tonight in order to get the point across. I am letting her come to me, but it is almost working too well on some nights and I know that it will be the exact opposite on others. She will give in for the night and get upset about it all, but come a different night when she is busy and out with her friends it will not seem to bug her at all. Although this is the case with her, it pretty much bugs me to a certain extent 24/7 and it is getting a little better, but is pretty bad at night.

Women are so damn confusing...how in the hell are men supposed to figure it out??? I am reminded of a line in the movie P.S. I love you where the guy asks what women really do want. The answer...as expected is that women really don't know what they want. (Yet another movie I watched with her  :'( )
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on December 23, 2008, 06:25:20 AM
lol.  its true.  sometimes we dont have a clue as to what we want.  sorry for that. 

She's sowing her wild oats,  experimenting with the 'adult life" which is fairly new to her since shes just 21 and legal.    Will she like it so much that she continues to go down that path?  Time will tell.  Right now we don't know and I would bet she doesnt know either.  But she isnt going to know until she tries it.   Again,  if not now, then when she is 40, married, with little ones running around.  Better now than then, in my opinion.  Nothing attractive about a 40 y/o trying to be 21 again. 

Yes you do need to set boundaries when she calls  or txt you 50 times a night.  Most definately!   You  need to ignore some of her calls or txt.---
   1-3 calls or txt is enough for one day.   What I suspect she is doing is this.....    When she is busy with friends  she doesnt feel the need to contact you,  b/c  well,  shes out having fun.   But when she is home alone or bored,   she gets insecure again,  worries what you are doing, and calls or txt you just to see if you are with someone else.    If she is bored, she wants you to be bored too. Its ok for her to have fun,  but the idea of you exchanging phone numbers with someone else or the idea of you out with friends on a night when she has nothing to do is not cool.  Kinda crappy in my book,  but I think thats the issue here.

So,  you need to get a life boy.  A fun active life.   I am not saying go find another chick, necessarily,  but go make friends,  both male and  maybe even female (you learn more about chicks when you have female friends) .  Whatever you do, quit sitting  around letting her have all the fun.    Thats not fair to you. 

When it gets closer to the time for her to come visit your parents,  say something like  "hey,  I was thinking about going to dinner and a movie Sat night.  Would you like that or would you rather stay in and hang w/ granny?"    Give her a couple of options.... this or that.  See what she says.  Then you'll know but you wont know until you ask.    The worst thing you can do is try to read her mind or know what she wants ahead of time.   You HAVE to ASK.  b/c believe me hon,   women change thier mind as often as the wind blows.   So the minute you think you know what she typically likes,  thats the minute the wind blows and you'll be wrong.   ;)   

Good luck and try to enjoy the holidays.  And DEFINATELY enjoy the UP trip.   I'm in northern Indiana so not too far from where you're headed.  We like Mackinac Island alot.   

hang in there dude,
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on December 23, 2008, 09:39:07 AM
I think that you are completely right with what you are saying about when she is home alone.

This summer we were away from each other. She was still down at school and I was living at home and working for a guy up here for an internship. While away, she like to have the freedom of going out and having a good time with her friends, which I am totally cool with, but at the same time she really didn't like the idea of me doing the same. I finally realized it near the end of the summer and I went to some huge concert in the middle of nowhere without her. It kind of gave her a little perspective on why sometimes i got upset when she was out all the time and made her realize that it is a little crappy to do the whole, "its cool for me to do what i want, but you have to do what i want you to do." I think now we are back to that little game yet again.

Looks like I'm going to have to call up some of my boys and make this winter break a blast so she realizes that she can't have all of the fun.

Always always always another game with you women, but sometimes I'm just too spiteful not to enjoy it a tiny little bit  ;D (still got a huge hole in my chest though)

Thanks again Lauren
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on December 23, 2008, 05:58:25 PM
sure sharpie.  anytime.   
i hope things work out for you two.   maybe she just needs her space again.   sounds like she does need some growing up.   

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on January 05, 2009, 09:04:10 PM
A little update...

I'm having a very hard day today. Me and a buddie have gone up to his cabin to go snowboarding and my ex seemed pretty excited to text me on the way up and tell me about how she felt and that she wanted to talk when I get back to school next saturday. Everything seemed fine until she had a girlfriend come into town and it all went downhill from there. Her friend left yesterday and usually I would recieve a phone call or a text every once in a while from my ex-girlfriend to tell me how shes doing or that she was just thinking about me. We haven't ever had a day where we don't talk, but now having not talked to her for over a day and a half I am getting very concerned. I got on facebook and talked to her friend today because me and her used to be friends too, and from what she said they were out all weekend and didn't get any sleep because they were doing so many things. Her profile says that she won $400 dollars on a casino boat. I can't stand the thought of being without my girl any longer and it is driving me nuts and making me very angry and jealous hearing about all of this and now knowing that she won't talk to me after one weekend with her friend.

Do you think that they are just doing this to make me jealous and angry, kind of as a game? It seems like a pretty big turn around for my ex to say that she can't picture anyone else with me and that she can't stand the thought of herself or me with anyone else to being completely non responsive after i try to contact her via text tonight after I havent talked to her in over a day in a half. Usually this would have drove her nuts and she would have been calling me or doing something to contact me. I just dont understand and am VERY scared at this point to know where this will go.

All I want it to be is saturday so that I can see her and talk to her. I am hurting so much inside right now and I do not know what to do about it. Please HELP!
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sevenofwands on January 06, 2009, 10:01:08 AM
Hello Sharpie:

What is going on is called "mind games".  And the only way of not engaging is to refuse to "step into the ring".  This girl is having a lot of fun in playing this game, ably backed up, no doubt, by her girl-friend.
Is this the sort of relaitonship you want?

Take care

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on January 06, 2009, 05:30:30 PM

deep breaths.   

You need to ask yourself why you NEED to talk to this girl every single day.   Are you too dependant on her?   Do you NEED to talk to your guy friends every day? Probably not.   And when you dont talk to them every day,   are they still around next time you call them?  Probably around fairly close by, right?   

My point is this...  just because you two dont see each other or talk to each other every single day,  does not mean she is gone forever.    Talking to her every day doesnt make her yours.  Not talking to her every day doesnt make her not yours either.    She didnt disappear from this earth.    She just went out with some friends.   

Talk to her Sat.  But you really do need to take a step back and stop needing to talk to her every day.   Both of you need some breathing room  and some growing room. 

I have no idea what she was up to with her friends.  Was she out with a guy?  Dunno.  Was she out with a group of friends?  Dunno.   But you;re just gonna have to watch and see, wait and see what she says that she wants in this relationship.   

You cant control her.   You cant force someone to be your girlfriend.  I know that sucks,.  but its the hard fact of life.    Right now its a wait and see kinda game.   
In the meantime,  go out with the guys,  have some fun,  and dont sit around waiting for her to call you.    You need to go out and live life without her for now.   And then you need to deicde if you want to be the guy  jumps whenever she wants  and asks for you,   on her schedule,  or if  you are going to take control and say no sometimes  even if it secretely means staying home alone.     Set some limits and boundaries,  and incorporate some other friendships.  You are way too enmeshed with her right now.   

let me know how the saturday talk goes
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on January 11, 2009, 07:08:26 AM
Hey Sharpie,

How did the talk go yesterday???  Any good news or updates??

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on January 12, 2009, 12:45:06 AM
Wow thanks for the question Lauren, sorry i have been a little busy since getting back down to school...as i will tell.

So I was talking to her the morning that I left on the phone and discussing where we kinda were both at with this whole broken up thing...and we stumbled upon the topic of if each of us have moved on and seen other people. She asked me and I told her that she would have to tell me if she wanted me to tell her anything. Small talk to small talk and it turns out that she has been kissing another guy that I didn't know about. This other guy hung out with her and friends and kind of has always posed a threat to our relationship in one way or another, always looming in the distance, the kind of guy that pops out whenever she is single and jumps back in (where i guess I was at one point). So it hit me pretty hard, and I'm still pretty pissed off about it. Knowing that not only ten days after we broke it off she was kissing another guy is a pretty hard punch to take in the groin if you know what I mean. Since we broke up I have gotten a few girls numbers, but honestly I was not interested in any of them...and I definitely have not moved on.
Anyways, getting back to the story, I was pretty pissed. Trying to play it off as if it didn't make me want to kill someone I asked her if she thought that there was anything really there between them two, to which I received the response...I dunno. Great, so now not only am I struggling trying to get her back, she is already finding other guys that there may or may not be something with. I feel absolutely wonderful at this point. So i get off of the phone at this point and talk to my buddy that I had just picked up for the 6 hour ride down to school.

After the extremely long drive, I was still upset but not to the point where I was mad, more of the point where I was extremely disapointed. So, trying to be the nice guy I picked up the phone call of her calling me and telling me how she was feeling pretty sick. I decided this point to try to be nice because that is pretty much the only way that anything is seeming to go any smoother at this point. The more mad i get the worse the situation gets. She got on the phone and I told her that if she was feeling so bad that I would come over and make her some soup for dinner and see her. Sounds good to her and 3 hours later I'm over there.

Picked up a movie at blockbuster and also when I was at the grocery store I saw some daisies that I knew were her favorite, and showed up at her front door, kind of dinner and a movie...here's some flowers if you want them too like. She was pretty glad to see me as we haven't seen each other in over 2 weeks so I gave her a hug and she almost started balling right there (i can definitely tell that she misses me alot). I came in and she went up to dry her hair and by the time she came back down I had dinner ready, some flowers in the vase on the table, and some of her favorite bread cut up. Damn sometimes i feel like I try awful hard.

Dinner went well we just chit chatted and then we sat down to watch the movie. She cuddled up next to me and kind of asked me what I thought about me and her. My response to this was, i'm ready to start fixing whatever we have, and i just want to try to make us better. I said, "obviously you know that there is something here, I know that you can at least see that". She agreed with me and told me that she knew there was something there between us but she was just not ready to start getting back to how it used to be between us. We talked about a few other things including the other guy and I held in my anger about that and tried to figure out if anything was going to happen there.

Turns out for you to know the background of this guy you need to know a few things. 1) he is 24 and still lives with his parents. 2) he doesn't even have a dependable car to come down if he did want to visit her
I guess this makes me feel a little bit better, and I ask her then what the hell is she pursuing this guy for? The response that I get is that she didn't know if there was anything there and that I shouldn't be too worried about it anyways because he is too much of a chicken to tell her how he really feels about her. She said that that is one of the things that she loves about me and she loves how she can depend on me to always be there when we are dating and doesn't feel like this guy would be able to provide that.

Then again I wonder to myself...."Well then why the *#[email protected] did you kiss this guy more than once over break?"

Doesn't make sense to me, maybe it does to you, I dunno i would love some insight on this.

Anyways, my ex fell asleep in my arms and I put her into bed. She asked me if i would stay, so I did and actually slept (nothing happened in that respect). Probably a good thing.

Woke up the next morning and went to walmart to get some drugs for her to feel better. We bought some cinnamon rolls also and went up to the register. Her phone buzzed and I looked down to see that she had gotten a text. She quickly put it away and tried to distract me from it. My response at this point was, so what did the new guy have to say?? She finally told me that he had texted her to ask her how our talk had went last night and she texted back one word...good....to him. I'm okay with that I'm just not too keen with sharing someone with someone else.

We got back to her place and up to this point everything had been fine. We hadn't fought once over anything and I started making the cinnamon rolls. Went and sat down on the couch and it was kind of starting to mull over my thoughts about how pissed off i was about this other guy. That's the point I probably should have left and went back home. Instead, I just sat there and read a magazine and watched TV, pretending like nothing was wrong until she saw me and asked about it. She can tell by now if something is bothering me, it isn't easy to hold anything back in that respect. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to fight with her. She pryed it out of me anyways.

I went on to tell her that I am tired of being her safety net in all of this. I am not the guy that just sits around on his hands and isn't bothered by what is going on. I told her that I do not want to be in second place and if there is going to be anything between us that there is going to be only me and her, there better not be anyone else. I also went on to say that it is absolutely not fair to me for her to say that she needs time for herself and that she wants to be single and get away from relationship drama, and then go out and start making out with some guy, with the thoughts of seeing what is there. How the hell is that right (lets see here I'm going to get out of a relationship with someone i love and makes me happy and just see if this other guy that bugs me occasionally is worth being with, even though i say that i do not want any relationships). We started yelling about it and she got mad about it saying that I was a horrible person to come over there and make her feel so bad about it. My response to this was to walk out of the door.

Sounds pleasant huh?

I texted her as I left and said, "That is why I don't tell you what I am feeling and I keep it bottled inside"
only to receive back a couple hours later...
" If you really care  about me then you need to care about my happiness and understand why I need this."

Definitely didn't dignify that with a response.

Later on she text'd me something along the lines of " are you mad at me"
and i said
"I dunno what I am, all i know at this point is that I am not going to be the only one working for you and me to be together."
she says back
"Well just try to understand where I am coming from"
and i said
"Maybe you should try putting yourself in MY shoes for once"
only to get the response
" i realize that it is hard for you but it is hard for me too when you come over and act like we are still dating"
I left it alone at that point

I don't know how to be around her and not act like we are dating. I pulled back when she tried to kiss me at first last night, but after a couple of times i gave in and it was just like old times.

And then she pulls the "i cant sleep" game and calls me while I'm hanging out with my buddies.

I told her, "what do you want me to do?, it obviously isn't right for me to be over there any more like that"

So there it is, the ever so amazing "talk", pretty long winded, sorry to make you read so much. So what now? I think at this point I am just going to try to become pretty socially active around here and try to get my mind off of her. It drives me nuts to go through this, but it is still amazing when we are together and her and I both can tell that it is even better than we first broke up. She still claims to need her time for this, so I am not going to be the safety net any more, that's just not how I work. Yet I still want her back as confusing as that may sound to go through all of this and still want her, I cant help it. I do want to kick some ass though too eventually with new boy (just the inner guy in me talking).

Let me know what you think Lauren...maybe you will understand better than I do. I am only a man, I will never understand women and I am definitely to terms with that fact.

Thanks again.
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on January 12, 2009, 06:09:14 AM
Well sharpie,  sometimes even I dont understand women.   
But it sounds like you were able to tell her how you feel, which is an excellent thing.   I loved how you stood up for yourself and told her that you would not be the fall guy anymore, there for her when she is bored. 

From a girls perspective,  she sounds tired of dating only one guy.  Maybe bored with her life,  not necessarily with you,  but just bored or tired or wanting to jazz things up a bit.   Why she is dating some 24 y/o who still lives with mommy is beyond my understanding.  If shes not careful, shes going to end up losing a good guy over some unmotivated home boy.      craziness.

You can't go back to a "not dating" status so what she is asking is the impossible.     Every time you are with her,  you two will fall into the same comfortable patterns of behaving/dating.    In order for it to become "just friends"  a whole lot of time is gonna have to pass ,  no contact time,  like I'm talking at least a year.   You two aren't there yet,  not even close, so dont expect to "not date" when you are with her.   Either you date or you don't date.  And she needs to understand that.   Don't set youself up to be yelled at every time you go over to her place to hang out.   

Its Sat night and she is bored and lonely b/c her new dude doesnt have a car or money to come visit her.  So she calls you up to bring over a movie.  You do it,  hang out, pop some popcorn,  and as the hours roll by,  you two will start sitting closer and closer together.   Kisses, hugs, and snuggling occur,  then new guy txt, or calls and you leave.    Then you get yelled at  in a txt for not repecting her wishes to NOT  MAKE IT A DATE.   

Again,    it is impossible for you two  not  to date when you are alone.   Personally, as hard as this is,  I would stop seeing her all together,  and have no contact with her at all.    You two need time away from each other.   
And then,  if you want to try "friendship status"  then only be  with her in a crowd or group of friends,  and only meet in public places.   Never ever alone.   Because it will always go back to "dating status" when the two of you meet alone,  at her place, snuggled up with a movie, and cozy dinner.   ALWAYS.   take it from someone whos dating days have been long over (thank God).

The bottem line though...   she wants to date other guys and will dump you when she finds someone  new who will give her positive attention.     New is exciting.  At least at first.   Even a new slug who still lives with mommy.   But she will get tired of him being unavailable and will look for someone else.   

  I hate to tell you this but the next new guy who comes along with a car and treats her decently and wants to go out with her,  she will do it.   And she probably will dump you, after she has dated this guy awhile and  feels secure in that he is  "nice enough".      But the first time they have a fight she will run back to you and be confused and want to work things out with you.   And then two things will happen.  Either she will have figured out that you are the one for her.   Or she will keep you until the next new guy comes along.   

   You are 'safe",  you are "familiar" ,  you are "comfortable",  so it will always be easy for her to run back to you for comfort and stability when bad things happen or when major changes occur in her life  (fights with new boyfriend,  failed a test,   pissed off at a girl friend of sister of hers,  family drama,  etc etc.) .    Do you want to be that guy she only runs to when she needs comforting or cant find someone better to run to?   

 When you decide that you are not dating her or hanging on the line for her,    and
 she keeps running to you for comfort when a guy breaks up with her or drama
happens,  and if you are always available to her,  you are then giving her
permission to use you and run to you over and over again.   And you are keeping her from  growing up and learning how to rely on herself and communicate with her new guy when conflict arises. 

  If this happens,  you need to tell her that she needs to work it out with him or with who ever she is angry at.  Dont get in the middle of it,  b/c thats when guy fights start happening.  STAY the Heck out of it!!
It will also force her to grow up stop depending on you so much.  YOU are not her EMS or 911 call while she goes out and plays the field!!  Dont let yourself be.

 Eventually you will  date others too and trust me some new chick is not gonna put up with you getting calls or txt  from some ex damsel in distress.    You've got to start thinking of yourself and  also down the line your new relationships and having respect for the other girls you start to date, when that day comes.   

 Lastly,   please understand,  Its not because you are lacking in anything that she wants to date others.   Again,  its because she is bored with her life and needs a little drama.  Some people do.  Some people create these dramatic messes in their life,  just to make themselves feel alive and emotional.   Man,  I like my peace.   But it happens all the time.     

So please dont feel like you are not "good enough"  "hot enough"  "smart enough" have enough money,  or whatever it is you are telling yourself when you are depressed.    Its not about you.  Its about a young girl not knowing what she wants.. all she knows is thats he is bored and wants something exciting.   Sounds like she needs to go on a vacation, not break your heart!

good luck sharpie,  you got yerself a young one there ole boy
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on January 13, 2009, 01:06:44 AM
Thanks for the advice Lauren, as always you are a great help in all of this.

Having not read this however, I decided to see my ex again tonight. This time though, it proved to be a very pleasant experience...

After going out with the boys to the rec I checked my phone after it had been sitting only to find out that I needed to pick up my stuff from her house and drop off my key to her apartment. I dropped off my buddies and headed over with some clothes so I could take a shower over there when I got over there.

I got in the door to her place and started playing with her puppy and I asked her if she wanted to hang out or if she wanted to just head to bed and me to just grab my stuff from her place. She said she had class early so we could only chill for a little, but she didn't mind if i took a shower cuz I was pretty nasty from playin ball.

Went up and took a shower and came out and she was just sitting on the bed playin with the pup. I went and sat down and we started to talk about some things. She revealed to me that the guy that she had kissed wanted to come down and see her some weekend in order to suprise her. We really got into the feelings that she had for him and now i really understand where that is all at. Her quote was, "I'm 90 percent sure that there is nothing there between us. I am already bored with talking to him and I don't think that he could ever make me as happy as you do." As we went on and talked I got a really good sense that she was starting to warm up to the thought of us being together some point coming up in the future.

I told her that i was wayyyyyyyyyyyy tired of any drama with all of this and that I just wanted to see where we can go without really planning it. I think that my words involved something like this,

        "You know when we first started seeing each other and we knew that we wanted to eventually be together, but we weren't quite ready to make a commitment? I want that back. I want back the feelings of being able to relax and have a night out with the boys whenever I want and you to have the same with your girls, but at the same time knowing that that other person is thinking about you and actually wants you and only you. Why can't we just go at this like that? No more planning and if we want to kiss eachother, then we kiss, if we don't then we don't. Thats how it was at the beginning and i know we rushed into being serious originally but i just want to take my time now."

The response VERY SUPRISINGLY to me was, "wow that sounds great".

As for the other guy coming down... I talked to her on the phone when I was back at my place tonight and she said that she kind of felt bad for having to break his heart and I reassured her that it would be alright. She wants to see him in person to tell him that she doesn't think that there is anything there, but at the same point she really doesn't want him to come down here because it would just be a waste for him to come down here and it would become awkward if he was sleeping on her couch at her place after she made that point clear to him. Not to mention she knows that if he came down here I would want to kill him. I had to promise her that I would tell her where I was if he came down so that I could avoid seeing him, but we will see how that goes, i have a feeling me and my rugby boys might be all over if he is out and about around here... All that i know that I won't do is show up at her door to see him over there because she would probably never talk to me again.

My words of advice after she told me she felt bad was, "well I'll just tell you one thing. Don't lead him on any more and you need to make it clear to him that you are not looking for anything before he wastes his time coming down here."

Oh yeah and I told her I would leave a note with a $20 dollar bill on her fridge for the guy that says "sorry for the wasted trip, here is some gas money so that you can get back to where you belong"...sincerely, Will

Think she is actually starting to realize what she is missing out on. Wow an amazing thought there.

Just thought you might want to know. I'll keep you updated if anything happens. Thanks again for all the help Lauren, have a great day!
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on January 13, 2009, 05:19:42 AM
I hope things continue to go well for you. 
keep me posted!
enjoy your day!

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: sharpie22 on February 09, 2009, 01:36:55 PM
Well its been a while since I posted on here so i thought I might update it a little bit. Since we last talked, the woman has come back and figured out that she doesn't really want to be with this other guy. Luckily nothing ever really happened between them, otherwise I would definitely not even think about getting back together with her. Although this guy is out of the picture and we are progressing into possibly dating again though, I am stuck at a bump in the road.

I have talked with her about her and this other guy and she has assured me numerous times that he is not the one for her and that they don't really talk anymore, yet I question it still a little bit. She has stated that her and him are almost hostile toward one another because she did not want to continue anything with him because she saw how much happier she really was with me. So he thought he was getting led on and understandably he is a little bit upset about that. My deal though is that if she is to get back with me this guy has to disappear completely and they can't be talking anymore. I don't think that that is too much to ask and frankly if it doesn't happen that way, then there is no way of us being together.

Here in lies the problem however. She tells me to my face that she doesn't have any feelings for this guy and that he is off of her mind, yet constantly she is checking her myspace (which she never used before this) every day because that is her mode of communication with him. She is looking at his profile on facebook and myspace every day and I am seriously wondering how she can not be thinking about him but yet still be doing these things. I am not supposed to know about this however, i have a feeling that if I asked her about it she would accuse me of not trusting her and checking up on her. I know also that she is still messaging him too because I looked at the history of her internet browser and could see his friend ID being messaged this morning even while I was still asleep.

Yet, everything else seems dandy.

It is just like it used to be with her, the same feelings between us like it is perfect.

What do you think is the best way to approach this problem without me seeming like the bad guy for looking up her history a bit? I just want this guy to be completely gone, and it doesn't seem like that is happening. I can't move forward with a relationship with her until that is done, and I definitely can't trust her until he is gone for SURE. I have a feeling that if I ask her again about her talking to him, she is just going to deny it and say that I am not trusting her.

Thanks again lol,

Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: laurenE on February 11, 2009, 05:15:52 PM
Hey Will,

Good to hear from you.   Your expectations are not too much to ask.  She needs to completely let go of this guy if she is to have a health relationship with you.  A girl can't have 100% of her devotion, heart, or energy in one guy, when she is still in contact with another.   So again,  you are not asking for too much.  If she can't do this, then its time  for you to fly.

I would come out and ask her if she is still in contact with him.  If she admits it, then  I would request that she not be in contact with him anymore,  in any way, shape or form.   No txt, no calls no myspace or facebook.   If she refuses, then she is not ready to be devoted to you the way a girl should be to her man and you need to walk away from this relationship.

If she denies that she is in contact with him, then I would say "so if I checked your myspace or history,  it would be clear of all info?"  and then I would demand that she show you the proof,  right then and there.   because you need it in order to move forward into this relationship.   If she has a problem with this, then she obviously has something to hide,  which we already know.     

If she tries to play the "you dont trust me"  card,  then tell her that you dont.  Not right now until the two of you can have several months of time of her not being in contact with him.   Its ok.   Its normal not to trust someone who wanted another guy just a few wee ks ago, and certainly normal to want  to check or have proof. 

Usually in counseling we say that if the person can maintain good behavior for 9mos to a year,  without major screw ups, then its ok to stop checking and let your guard down.   

  Personally I think she is still attracted to this guy ,at least emotionally.  Otherwise she would not need to be checking her myspace.   

You are a smart guy Will.  You are right on target with your expectations with her.  Dont doubt yourself,  no matter how much she uses the tears.   You deserve someone who is good to you and is trustworthy and nothing less than that.

Good to see ya,
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: Ultronstark96 on July 29, 2016, 10:53:42 PM
I just want to say, I am currently going through this situation and the advice ive read on this page and the "sand analogy"  really helped. I know this is an old thread but it helped to read!
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: Ultronstark96 on July 29, 2016, 11:22:20 PM
Hey you guys, i hope this gets read as recently I have found myself in this similar situation. My girlfriend, or ex...has depression and some days she was feeling like herself other days not so much. Everything was going perfectly fine up until monday of this week when she said she felt like we needed to break up because she feels like she has so many masks and doesnt know who the real her is and doesnt find that its fair for me to love someone who doesnt even know who she is. I am home for the summer i go to school 2 hours away, she had a issue with the distance it was hard for her and me too, i am only 20 and i know it sounds cliche but she was and is the girl for me i mean we spoke of a realistic close future like moving in with eachother after school and such and we would joke about stuff like that with also having serious intentions. Everything was going good like I said until last thursday she said she wasnt feeling like herself, the next day she told me she was feelign much better and was excited to see me the next day, the two of us were going to a music festival. The day of the festival she was totally her and we hugged, kissed, all of the good stuff. Sunday night she told her mom she felt this way and monday she spoke to me about ending it because she needs time to work stuff out. I asked if there would be a chance we could date after school  i told her i saw a future with her which didnt scare me and told her shw was always the girl for me since the day I met her,  I told her it would always be her and I would always love her and she said "I just dont want to stand in the way of your happiness". i understand why she is doing the this, taking care of yourself is always the best thing to do, or else how can you love someone else right!? Her and I would be on 2nd year August 18, we were best friends before we dated and I was always there to help with depression and everything else. I felt like a jerk to say it but the two things that make this all hard is 1) We have done EVERYTHING with eachother and 2) I would be upset to see her with someone else, just because we told eachother EVERYTHING, even stuff she hid from her parents or her therapist, she already has trust issues and doesnt open up to too many people so I dont feel like I have to worry that she would move on to someone, she also said that she doesnt want to date anybody else and again needs this time for herself. She said I feel like i have held on for so long that even though it sounds awful, i just need to let go. Somone made that sand analogy which helped saying that if you hold tightly onto sand it slips away, if you hold onto it loosely it stays put. I just know that she cares so much about me and is doing this for herself and not to hurt me, depression is hard but when you love someone you always want the best. I hope this wasnt all over the place and that someone can reply and give me some advice...I have been reading the previous threads and find that some stuff applies to my situation. I havent spoke to her today as I want her to ocme to me when shes ready to talk or comfortable I dont want to rush things etc. I look at that quote "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you its yours: I strongly believe in that right now.
Title: Re: Girlfriend needs time to find herself
Post by: Stefmoss on August 29, 2016, 04:51:06 PM
A similar situation is going on with me as well. I was searching for situations related to me online and found this thread. You all have some great helpful input.

How is everyone's situation going so far? I know this is a old thread