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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Adams Brokenhearted Mama on December 14, 2008, 11:11:35 PM
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My son Adam's is dead. My daughter Kaiti is so mixed up. My youngest son Josh is angry.My eldest, Matt is distant. My husband, Craig is riddled with guilt and torment over our live. I tried to kill myself. I am now trying to live. As Craig & I try to cope with our tragic loss the day to day issues with our daughter does not allow for "normal" grieving. I reach out and seek help and comfort from all of my compassionate friends. My husband refuses. I watch him unravel and become a broken man. My family is broken. My life is not one that I like living. Today we decorated the house for the holidays. Craig came across an ornament that is a "mailbox". Inside of it was a note written by Adam as a child as he writes about his affection for each one of us. It unhinged Craig. It unhinged me to see Craig fall apart. To do "normal" things like prepare for a holiday feels so awful and yet if it wasn't done the other children would feel that all normalcy is gone from their lives. I don't know how to balance all of this. I have worked so hard these past two weeks, shopping for gifts, writing out cards (the 1st time since Adam passed). I just don't know if I can do this anymore. My husband doesn't want to. I do understand. I am so torn. I wish I could be dead so all of this pain would be over with. I know now from the aftermath of January 2007 that I cannot, but that deep, dark pain still resides inside of me. Unrealistically I still wish for Adam to walk through the door, I truly imagine that it can happen. I don't understand why it can't happen. There have been miracles before, why not again. It is so unfair. For me, for all of you who have suffered this loss.
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i am giving you hugs....Big gigantic hugs.
i have been reading a lot of your posts, and my heart just goes out to you. I want to say better times are coming. i want to say that time heals, or starts to mend, but I myself am having the hardest time thinking that. Just know that we are here for you, for everything and anything.
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Thank you Linds. I feel like I am living inside the movie Groundhog Day. The same old drama keeps on unfolding with my daughter over and over. In two evenings I am attending for the first time a Tough Love meeting. I was so tired of meetings after going through them for Adam (i.e. Parents of Addicted Children support group). It was an eye opener to find out that basically I could put my face on anyone of the parents who were relaying their story b/c except to change a few minor details their story was my own. It was a big fresh relief to find other "normal" parents who I could relate to who were in this horrible state of being robbed, police intervention, watching your child OD, fearing for the life.....only mine died and theirs did not. I do not wish theirs to be dead. I just feel that he had so much going for him how could have drugs consumed him and ultimately his life. At the same time my daughter's problems escalated to the point where they are now. It's been a rocky road her whole life but never did I think she that she had no conscience. I always looked at her as the victim. She still is in a way. The victim of her circumstances. Although, after awhile that train of thought becomes old. She is 23 years, 5 years out of high school. What does she have to show for it? 5 years of legal issues, 5 years of stealing and lying from me. Each time she umps the ante on how far she goes. She is wily and yet unable to care for herself. I have tried it all, locking her out, calling the police and pressing charges against her, leaving her in jail, having her brought numerous times to the local hospitals to be admitted against her wishes to the psych unit, even having her stay in one for 3 weeks until they would no longer keep her. All programs and therapist disassociate themselves from her in a short while. She is non compliant with meds. My husband is such a broken man, this constant barage of our daughter's antics has put the icing on the cake of already a broken heart over Adam and now Kaitlin. At times I feel like the wrong child died. Adam had a conscience - there was hope to cure his addiction. I feel like Meryl Streep in Sophie's choice, if I had to choose a child. No wonder I have a child dead to think such thoughts. I love my daughter and yet I wish that either I wasn't born to feel such awful things or that she wasn't. I wanted to have a girl so badly and the mistake was that I never asked for a healthy child. Sometimes life is to ironic.
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Hi Paula, I do usualy venture to the child loss boards because I feel I wouldnt know what to say. But my heart really does go out to you. We both lost family members and it hurts so bad no matter who it is, a chikd, a husband, a sibling, etc. I amso so sorry you are going through this pain, you and your family. Your in my prayers.
Georgia.
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Paula - I'm so sorry for all you are going through - so hard to grieve the loss of your son when you are so worried about your daughter and all the challenges that go along with her issues - you must be so exhausted from it all - yet it seems like you are doing everything you can to help yourself and your family - sometimes it is all we can do -
Know that you are in my heart and my thoughts - I wish I had some words of comfort - but I am so without words at this time of the year anyway I just have no words..
luv and hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt
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((((((((((((((Paula)))))))))))))
I am so very sorry. This is such a difficult time of year.
HUGS,
Dottie Tammie's Mom
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Paula:
The pain is so raw and then to deal with yet another issue of such magnatude. I will pray for you and hope that your daughter will see what she is doing to her family and to herself. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but the pain of watching someone destroy themselves is so very hard. Please know I care and will hold you close to my heart and pray for you all. hugs LaVonne
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((Dottie, Georgiapeaches, KarenPaul & LaVonne)) Thank you for your kind words. I wish someone out here would hear my pleas for my daughter and say Yes! I'm the one, I know what to do. It's been 21 years of knowing that something is terribly wrong and watching her decompensate and seeking answers in every crook and cranny and find none. I lost Adam to the evil of addiction and now I'm watching another one slowly killing herself. I don't know how to survive this. I am trying so hard. One step at a time. Those steps are very heavy and hard to take.
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My heart (what is left) goes out to you. I wish I had some encouraging words. The only thing I can think of is that there has to be some agency, some therapist, something, that will help. I know that you don't have any strength left, with losing Adam, but the squeekly wheel, which I am sure you have been, must keep pushing for help with your daughter. I don't mean must I mean that one has to be vigilant and persistent with these agencies, money is always an issue and they seem to be able to get away with not assisting after a while. Maybe you need to get a lawyer and have her declared unable to care for herself. I am groping at straws for you and I hope that I have not overstepped by bounds.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
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(((((Paula)))))
I'm so sorry your not yet seeing even a 'glimmer' of light in regards to your daughter.
It sounds to me that you are using all of your resources and holding onto Hope, and regardless of any situation, there is always Hope.
Along with grieving for your precious Adam, I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel at times.
Please take care of yourself in every way. It's so very important. Get plenty of rest. I know that is easier said than done.
I know that there are some things in life that we are not able to 'fix' and being a 'fixer', I have to remind myself of this fact, and often.
There will be only so much we can do.
I hope Kaiti is going to receive the help she needs. For all of you.
Know you are in my thoughts and that 'I care', ((((((Paula))))).
Love,
Terry
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Paula,
(((Hugs))))and prayers to you. :'(
Barbara
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Kaiti now is formally diagnosed with lung disease. She snorts heroin, smokes cigarettes. She lost a brother to this. I find it so hard to believe that she is on the same path. Tonight I attend my 1st Tough Love meeting. I hope it helps.
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((((PAULA))))
I don't have any miracle answers but I send you strength to make it through.
A little saying that just might help you a bit... The right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. Tough love is hard but you are doing it "for her" not "to her". As you well know addiction is who you are talking to not your daughter. It will be tough but you can do this... you don't want to enable.
I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister
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regarding Christmas,
the way I have coped with the holiday, when it is devoid of holiday joy, was to ask, or ascertain what part of celebrating Christmas was most important to individual family members, and do those things, not out of joy, but out of love. In our house (which still has two living children under 12) that means a Christmas tree, presents, a gingerbread house, setting up the nativity scene, and a few other things, like watching the Grinch.....for my husband, it is his auntie and sister baking him his favorite Christmas treat and sending it to him. This year, as many years have now passed, and everything is so much better, the four of us made the coveted treat ourselves.
What we cannot do out of joy we can do out of love.
Wishing you a loving Christmas,
Sarah
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((Sarah)) Your choice of words resonated within me. What you cannot do out of joy, you do for love. That really sums up why I am doing the holidays at all. Thank you for putting words to my feelings.
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Life has a way of specifically & purposefully placing obstacles in my path. I just don't get why that is. It feels very deliberate and I wish it would just stop happening. For example: I was the nursing director for an outpatient chemical dependency treatment center and my child becomes an addict and dies. I can help others but not my own?? I was the nursing director of an agency that takes care of the Mentally retarded, developmentally delayed and traumatic brain injury and the best & the brightest that work for this organization (physicans, psychiatrist, pscyhologists, social workers, etc.) tell me that my developmentally delayed, mentally ill daughter falls into a "gray" area and don't know what to do for her. Last night I decide to go to my very 1st tough love meeting in another county. I feel that I have been doing tough love all along, having told my daughter you cannot live here, calling the police and pressing charges, having her in a psych hospital, jail etc. and yet things do not improve-she doesnt learn enough to change and I feel like I need support & fresh ideas. Sign on the door, meeting canceled posting a #. I call, guy who runs it out of town for several months. No more meetings due to holidays.
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Paula - I'm so sorry the meeting was canceled.. how discouraging, when you need support and help and ideas and other people to share understanding.. I hope with our help here you can make it through the holidays and perhaps find new sources on the other side.. with fresh ideas and hope..
In the meantime.. we are here.. sending you all the strength I can muster today.. love and hope and tears shared...
hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/crispy16/chrisb_laugh.jpg)
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"No more meetings due to holidays."
I know it's not the same....but you have us, (((((((((Paula))))))))).
Know I care.
Love,
Terry