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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Rebecca on June 14, 2008, 04:57:57 AM
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How many of you have developed illnesses and what kind after losing your child or children. I am just wondering if there is a higher percentage of people who get sick, and maybe if we find out others have the same thing we do, this would be a special place to share with each other. I am on a Diabetes message board but I have not opened up about Jason. Here is safe. There is diabetes but maybe here I can have the best of both worlds.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
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I have the illness of fibromyalgia this started after a fall when two discs and my pelvis were damaged.
The two main reasons for this illness to start are injury and stress to my understanding, The injury started the fibro within 4 weeks after the fall. This is forever there is no cure and little medications to help. I am on a pain patch which most days hardly touches the pain but helps to keep me relaxed and able to get a few things done. There is 18 trigger points and I have them all, this effects my eyesight and use of my hands along with many other things, it makes it difficult to do nothing but sleep and think somedays. And of course my thinking always leads to the boys. This also causes depression which I fight everyday with, I refuse to let this send me backwards with depression and visit that pit of hell again. Awhile back I started mind over matter to help me stay positive and to beat depression, when the pain is at its worst and sometimes through tears I begin singing and I tell you my voice is horrible singing, can't stand it myself but oh well I am doing whatever works and this is working, I sing ...I am so freaking happy...even through the tears if I do this enough I start laughing and relax and make it till the next time, I have accepted this and learning how to live with this, we have to, if we fight it and let it beat us I feel the pit of hell will return along with the pain. Next week I see a phychiatrist to check on meds to see if we can help the pain more with meds, and to learn ways to cope with this pain when it hits, someday my song may not work so I want to learn all I can to help me through and live the best I can again someday.
Yes I do believe grief is a big part of what can happen to us in the future, does all illness come from the loss of our kids and grief I don't think so, but I believe some do. If we don't take care of ourselves when it comes to health I do believe we pay for it later as I am now.
The first years after my two Chad's died I lived in pain, stress, and took very little care of me. I could go days without showering and eating or sleeping. I was beginning to feel some life coming back about the 2nd year but stayed in the pit and slowly crawled out until Cory took his life 5 years later, I then found this board. I remember coming here thinking I was ok, I beat the worst pain with my son and I just needed a little help to beat this new pain. Well I was wrong, this board helped me to see how wrong I was I was in the pit deeper than ever. With alot of talking and reading I was able to pull myself up and out and I refuse to ever go back there again unless of course the worst thing happens and I carry hope everyday that I will never go through again.
I often think this grief I went through and pain may have set me up for the fibro but didn't start it to come full force like the fall did. All the doctors are saying the fall set it off but it could have been ready to surface for years and this caused it to. My doctor is also has increased my medication I was taking for depression and stress and anxiety, he is on top of this and helping me get through this also.
The sooner the better it is to crawl out of the pit of darkness when your child has died, I know this harder to do than say and that we all start the crawl in our time, this is not easy, for me it took several years when I finally accepted there was nothing I could do to fix this and want to live again. And after that it was a long journey to get to where I am today. Many ups and downs but never did I fall so far down back into that darkness, I don't think I have seen all ways these years have effected my health yet because of not taking care of me.
I also don't think we should blame everything on our grief, nor let anything go if you need to see a doctor. I do ask my doctor on many things if grief could have caused things to surface today and until this fibro other than depression and not sleeping the answer was no to my other health issues.
Rebecca this was a good subject, glad you started it. We do need to understand our illness and why or where it came from. That the doctor has to answer for us if he can.
I continue through my life today living with hope and love, hoping for better days with this illness also and with the love I have from so many family and friends I know I will survive. I also have many to talk to or let me vent outside the board today which I didn't have when the boys died, this continues to help me through, I am a venter and talker if not I would live in darkness the rest of my life, today I am a fighter and surviror, I can dislike or hate why I am survivor but proud of myself for survivng. I could not do this along or keeping it all to myself and I thank you all again this is how I heal.
My hubby had a heart attach a few years after our son/sons died, I do believe the added stress, depression, and all he went through emotionally led him to this. He had prior stress before the boys death and was being treated for it and these losses I believe was a big part in his heart attach. Hubby talked little or nothing those first years, the pit of hell was seen by me daily with him. Men don't talk much I understand this, today he talks more and he feels it does help to keep him out of the darkness or eating away inside like all this can do to us. Talk talk talk ....it is very big part on healing I see many things change in people when they talk not only in myself,
I can scream and do sometimes, I hate my boys died and I hate this illness, and something happens after that scream and I can find smiles again. There is so many people worst than myself and I find myself feeling at times grateful this isn't worse, but have to admit on days the pain sends me to ER for more help I don't smile or sing, I can easily say I can't take this anymore and give up, once I get the help I am up and out and ready to fight again and win.
There are healing boards out there for illnesses also, I have searched a few and just didn't feel the help I found here, I have been reading on my illness to try and understand it and how to help me through the hard days, I do vent alot sorry to say for those that hear the venting but so grateful those let me vent.
Well am I rambling again or what lol, some things never change do they :P.
I do hope this subject carries on, I think it is a important subject for us all, our health is important and how grief effects our health needs to be discussed more I see this today but didn't see it for years.
Thank you Rebecca and I hope you find all the answers your looking for and some healing to make this illness easier to live with, I know yours is forever also and not easy to change, with all we need to change, we can do it together and we will, I know we will, we have to.
Love
Deb
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I agree DEBH...I've always been clumsy and over the last ten years I've become quite the daredevil (pretty unwise at my age 47) but like everyone else , we all come with baggage( that's another story!) anyways...too protected as a child, the only daughter, I went through a divorce then a move to an old farm house, learned to train foals and learn to ride, after Tanya's death , decided to buy my own Harley Davidson which of course I had never ridden before//took a crash course of 5 classes. Fell of the horses broke ribs , twisted ankle, rode the motorcycle into a fence!!!Anyways since the divorce I feel I've been testing myself , pushing myself to the limits (so much for good mental health!) . Well last september it all caught up to me my back and my neck just locked, I spent 4 months on the couch and in the bath , the pain was just unbearable. Doctors put me on morphine and many many tests! All that did was depress me and the results were "well it's age...you'll have to live with it! Well, like with everything else (thank god my 96 year old father, my idol gave me his genes and his ability to fight ..he battled cancer of the prostate for 15 years and is now cancerfree without any operations. I truly believe in mind over matter. Although it's not for everyone. I was in so much pain I just wanted it to end. I kept asking myself why did I have to suffer this on top of losing my first born!!!!! Well, I was at the right place at the right time and found a doctor of natural medecine who treats with magnetotherapy and knows the human body inside out. She explained that due to the stress of a failed mariage, a move, and worst of all, losing Tanya, all the organs were absorbing the shock and now there was no more tolerance. The body just shut down. It took 10 months of physical therapy, but now its getting better. Talking about Tanya, instead of trying to destroy myself through hard work and stupid things I did, just to try and get over the pain of not having my precious Tan and her beautiful smile, I now try and just live through the ache of missing her everyday as best as I can without making my other two daughters have to worry about mom being out of commission. God it's hard but the physical pain of not being able to move was really hard too.
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Sorry to read about your back pain Tannersmom, I could feel it with you as I was reading, very painful when your back gors out.
Daredevil you were, yikes, I can be a daredevil also but no more for me when it means living in more pain. I loved being dared and challenged all my life, that has changed some.
Glad the physical therapy helped, I was going and they ended it this week thinking they were only making the pain worse so I sit and wait till the 24th to see what the doctors future plan will be. Like everything else some things work for one and not the other.
Too bad we didn't have a second changc on what we learned the hard way that got us to today. I have a list of things I would have done differently.
take care of you and that back
Love
Deb
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Rebecca, Tannersmom and Deb, I have had so many more illness's and injuries since my Taylor has been gone,, I reinjured an old leg/ hip injury by falling down stairs, I ache all over all the time, I think it is possibly fibromyalgia too Deb, just haven't talked to my dr. about it, hurt too much to go to the dr half the time,, Oh Deb, I had to laugh when you said about your little happy song, made me laugh and tears,, whatevever helps for awhile huh sweety? I've had numerous broncitis's and pnemonia's which I never had before, ear infections , well I could go on and on, and sometimes I feel like a whiner always saying ouch or eww I feel awful, but if we do we do huh? I think grief of the loss of a child most definetely has a negative effect on overall health, immune system down, hard to fight off infections, illness's, and then I just turned freakin 50 last week, so some of it probably is getting older, fun fun, but anyway, love ya all.
Brenda
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Hi Brenda, yes whatever helps and works, glad you got a smile on my song, try it sometime, if you are like me you will eviduenttally end up laughing through the tears but you can't quit till it works is the key. Hubby laughs at me and sometimes I hear him singing it, he has a great voice and hard to tell if he just has this song in his mind now or using mind over matter like I do.
Sorry to hear about all your illnesses, and turning 50 I hated it myself don't think I have a healthy year since then but I do hear many have great years after 50 and I hope this for you.
If you think you have fibromyalgia have you checked the web on the symtoms? If you do have it I highly suggest you see a doc for it so it doesn't get too much to live with and keep you down for as long as I have been down. Been six months now since I have been treated and no work, no driving, and dependent on hubby and family to get me where I need to go, not fun I want control back, and I want to get out of this comfy recliner my hubby bought a few months ago, love it but too much of a good thing is not good for you and this is one.
I wonder how much our immune system is effected from grief, I have heard this before but never really checked into it. Gives me some new searching to do, thanks, always looking for new things to do in this great chair.
I was just thinking of Chad and how well he took care of me when I had both eyes in patchs for 3 days when I burnt my eyeball with the curling iron, only me right lol, he was a riot and did many tricks on me, I have told the story here many times I am sure, I know if he was here today he would be doing the same and I would be very happy and he would sing the song with me. He always was there to take care of his mom when needed thank goodness it didn't happen much back then, I didn't care for all his tricks or treats lol, he would add extras to foods that was terrible yucky stuff.
well enough I see the rambler is back today.
Love
Deb
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Before Josh's accident I had 3 knee surgeries (dislocation of the patella) was in a car wreck and knock the little ball thing on the elbow off... had to have pins put in and i have 3 herniated disk.. had one of them removed it was bulging the size of a base ball... but other than that i would say i was healthy....
since Josh's accident.... all the above have started hurting...arthritis i guess.... I have been diagnosed with diabetes, my enzymes are extremely high in my liver, i have more migraines than before, i have a slow thyroid, and have the usual depression, panic attacks and ptsd... so i guess i have more illness now...
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Rebecca,
I was never on any "lifelong med" before Philip died but certainly are now. I like DebH have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, allergies, asthma and have been tested for more things than I'd like to remember.
Stress is a horibble thing and really does mess the body up in a big way. I realize I had tremendous stress before Philip died trying all of motherhood to be superwoman...working fulltime...raising 3 kids...room mother...team mom for all 3 of them and their sports...girl scouts...boyscouts...indian guides and princesses, etc. etc. and eveyrthing had to be perfect. Then Philip died and again I'm picking up everyone...had to be the strong one. Putting myself even on the list wasn't heard of. So, when it was finally my time to fall apart...I did it in a big big way. It took a year to be diagnosed with the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and then a year later here come the allergies and asthma. Let's not forget the depression, PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks and the tons of meds for all that.
For me I think all of these things were lying dormant in this body and the stress that grief does to a person...well things just couldn't remain stuffed and dormant. Plus who could really think past just putting one foot in front of the other hoping to make it out of bed each day much less taking care of ourselves.
I don't think we mom's are programmed or raised to put ourselves on the list...it is always we are to take care of the family...the kids are always first. I have to say I'm trying hard to tell my daughter don't do as I did...it is ok to take a little "me" time. It really is all about some balance and putting ourselves on the list and putting ourselves at the top of the list...not to the detriment of our children but we have to do this.
So far all of us who are now paying the price...it is time to put yourselves on top of the list. Go to the doctor, get the physicals, take a walk, a bubble bath, try to eat that balanced meal. Wake each day and remember it is a new day...you can't redo yesterday...so forget about what you didn't do and just try real real hard to do something that day which helps take care of you just a little. For those early in this journey I know how hard it is to even think of doing something for yourself but please please try.
I just turned 50 and my body feels 80...I have aged beyond belief these last 5 years. I believe I gave things a good running start but I really think the grief turned all things into high gear/overdrive. Now I'm trying to figure out how to live with all of it and feel maybe only 65.
Just remember each day is a new day...we can't change yesterday and who knows what tomorrow will bring...stay as present as you can in the moment and remember the only thing you have control over is you. It is hard...there is nothing easy about this...it takes work to move forward...lots and lots of hard work but one day you will find you move forward even with all the aches and pains.
Love to all,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
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When my son died one year ago, I was only on OTC allergy pills and Nasonex, a prescription allergy spray. Now I have too many prescriptions to mention (and don't want to mention them on this board, only because it's not private). I just now am starting to feel a little better after suffering from whooping cough for 2 months, they took a chest xray last week for pneumonia, said I don't have it, but have something else suspicious and now need a Cat scan (I don't smoke and never have). I have some other ailments all related to stress. I do believe it's the stress. I'm learning to pray more.
I also find that I stress way, way more over little things now than before. I shatter easily and start crying and trembling. It doesn't seem to make sense, it just seems like since I've reached such depths of despair and stress and anxiety that now my body has a new setpoint for how I handle (or don't handle) life's little challenges.
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thx Jeanneb...yes you're right we don't take enough "me time". I went to bed crying last night, just too exausted. I don't know if I'm just a perfectionist or rather just trying to fill my days so much so I don't have to think! I get so easily frustrated with people now.....
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Just wanted you all to know I'm keeping you all in my heart with all the challenges you have faced and are facing since the death of your kids. My family seems to have faced lots of health challenges since my nephew died.
My brother, Chris' dad, has had me worried since day 1... he has gained weight (as have I) and seems to have a recurring acne problem (which doesn't sound life threatening, but to me is an indication of stress level)... I don't think he sees his doctor regularly and I do worry about that too.. nothing big has come out for him but I guess I feel he is a time bomb so to speak.. he has moved 4 times since Chris died almost 5yrs ago..has separated from Chris' step-mom and had lots of major change in his life..
My parents have been the most visible health issues for me.. they lost their only grandchild when Chris died. Dad had been diagnosed with heart arythmia a month prior and was scheduled to have his heart stopped and restarted the day Chris died.. I really wanted him to reschedule because I was so afraid his heart would not start again.. that he would die of a broken heart.. my fears were unfounded, but the procedure did not achieve its goal of restoring natural rythm. Since then dad has survived prostate cancer, and is living with diabetes diagnosed about a year and a half ago. Mom has had several minor TIA events (precursor to stroke) and fell in January, breaking her wrist and tearing her rotator cuff.. for which she has had 2 surgeries and months of PT.. and at 75 they are not getting any younger..
Me - I was diagnosed with early onset Osteopenia at 40 (4 yrs ago) and have been dealing with pains related to that and trying to build my bone back up.
How much of our stuff is natural aging stuff I'm not sure.. but I do feel that everything is compounded by our lack of energy and will to take care of ourselves in the first years after Chris' death.. and the stress that comes with all of the grief..
I think I may broach the subject of doctor visits with my brother.. I do not know if he has been more than once since Chris died.. he tends to push his own care to the background..
luv and hugs to all,
Karen
Chris' aunt
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I am also diabetic. I think its because out of sadness and stress all I do is it. He has been gone almost 6 months. I thnk i have gained 20lbs. Its out of hand.
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Deb, I checked out the symptoms and I have almost all of them... lovely... I can only imagine how hard it is to find a dr. who will believe you or treat you.. thanks for nudging me in the right directions, it would be wonderful to be out of some of this crazy freakin pain.... When you told how Chad was about helping you but also had to make it into something to make mom laugh,,, reminds me soooo much of Taylor, man they must be having fun.... your chair sounds ahhh nice... Love, hugs , Brenda
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Yes, illness is certainly tied in with grief. Sometimes, it just accentuates it - other times, it brings it on.
In my case I had extensive dental problems & dental work done. I have also had some severe bouts of the flu - made a lot worse by stress & grief. One of the bouts led to me quitting smoking (finally) but left me with lasting asthma/lung problems.
I also need to get off my butt to get into the doctor. I was told I was prediabetic, but probably have full blown diabetes now. I noticed that my vision is getting a bit blurry and I have new glasses. Guess that it is time.
Also have allergy issues and roseacea -something I never had before. Extreme stress makes it flare up really bad.
Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom
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Hi everyone...i'ts t's been a long time since i've been here, and 8 years since i lost my beautiful son Ross. This year, as i was heading into may, i thought i needed something to help ease my stress little, so i took a natural herb called 5HTP...50 mg for 3 days, and got a side effect of anxiety and nausea. welli, during the anxiety attack, i took my blood pressure the wrong way, and convinced my dr that i needed a second blood pressure med. when i took it 3 days later, i got side effects from that too...ace inhibitor cough, dry mouth and TINNITUS (i never even heard that word before). well, it hasn't gone away, the ENT says nothing wrong with my ears, and it was brought on by stress...and now i plan to see a therapist for post tramaumatic grief issues, not being able to deal with the changes in my life (i was stressed because my daughter was turning 18, working, driving and planning to move out with er bher b/f all within 2 months, and thought it was too much to handle all at once--and during menopause to boot)--along with Ross' heaven date and birthday i think i brought it on my self! and, beleieve me, i really, really felt i was going doing well with my grief over losing my son, truly. it's all the other changes IN ADDITION to that that have done this.
plus my husband has broken his ankle and is out of work for 3 months...just at a time when i felt it would be OUR time to be out and about together to get used to tara being gone (although she broke up with her b/f, who i had come to love like a son...hence the ptsd...it felt like losing a son again, very, very hard) so, i think i'tt's important to remember to CONTIUNIE being BEING GENTLE WITH YOURSELF...no matter how long it's been, no matter how well you THINK you are doing.
maybe this would have happened anyway, maybe it has to do with age, but right now, my ears are "hissing" 24/7, and at times it feels like i'm losing my my mind. I have changed, and want to be my old self again. i worked SO HARD at this grief thing that was forced on us, SO VERY HARD, and now i don't know what to do. i've lost 35 pounds, (along withm my appetite), can't focus on my hobby, quilting (MY PASSION), and feel lonely and lost. all i want to do is move to north carolin a to be close to my family (husband refuses), and emotionally curl up in a fetal position, but that's not realistic. I have to fight...i have to fight...i have to! I'm so sorry that any of us has to feel any shred of extra pain to our souls thatn we already have, it's not fair, and i don't understand it one bit. I'm using self hypnosis tapes, vitamins, and anything positive that will hep. i plan to visit a clinic to undergo retraining therapy to limit the anxiety that the noise creates, which is expensive and not covered by insurance. on a good day this hissing is dull and feels like its coming from the back of my head. if i can get to sleep, i'm fine...but if i can't, the next day is hard...naps usually don't work, so once again...TRYING TO BE GELNTLE WITH MYSELF ALL OVER AGAIN. myuch peace to all of you...xoxoox Carol, Ross' mom
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Good to hear from you again Carol. I believe that we go through very rough periods in our new life. While there was a time that you were more positive and able to see life in a different way, it comes as no surprise to me to see the other side because I have felt it too. Some days I feel like after work I just want to go home and reach deep down into my infancy and curl up and give up. I don't. I let myself have my pitty party for as long as I need and then I go out and shop. Shop for stupid stuff, little stuff or even just walk around the store. Today I saw a very good recipe and went to the store to buy some limes. They were 59 cents each and I refused to pay it. It was silly because I will waste more gas going to another store but I feel like a person just walking around the store, aimlessly, not knowing what I want or where I am. You will be back to u but it will take time. It is good seeing Ross' face again. I hope that you can once again let your hair down here and feel the love and understanding we all have.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
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(((THANK YOU REBECCA))) I think a lot of it is a midlife crisis, and i have started looking for a women in crisis online support group as well. I found a life coach meeting group in phoenix that i hope to attend, hopefully that will help. believe it or not, seeing that other women have gone through this time of their life, and embraced the changes has been helpful. I swear, it's like someone flipped a switch in my head or something, and i'm trying to take the right steps to get my hormones balanced if i can and just GET BETTER all the way around somehow. my hubby told me i'm "no fun" anymore, and boy is he right. getting my physical health controlled is the first step. i know what you mean about walking around a store and feeling"normal"...i like to dig around in second hand stores, and that always makes me feel better. i need to get back into the gym too, as much as an effort as it seems when it's so hot, it's still a good thing to do for ME. (((thanks again))) and i hope you find limes 10 for a dollar very soon! xoxox Carol, Ross' mom
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Hi Carol,
You have way too much going on, sorry to hear this. Understand how hard it is and how your feeling. Its like another kick in the heart, sadness and grief hits hard when we are down will illness and for you the empty nest is coming and that is also very hard. Think of you and Ross often.
I am buying a computerized quilt embroidery machine tomorrow after my doc appt. Do you hand or machine quilt? My scrapbooking isn't going well with the fibromyalgia so hoping this sewing machine will work for me, I love to quilt also and haven't done it for many years, can't hand quilt anymore so trying the machine soon.
Take care of you Carol, hope you get some to feeling better.
Love
Deb
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(((Hi Deb))) thanks for the note, I sure was sorry to see all you've gone through as well...it seems that even though we are programmed to go through this stuff, grief seems to magnify it a hundred times. I did start with a therapist for some cognitive therapy (positive thinking), and hope it works for me. i may go to a hypnotherapist as well who has a tinnitus retraining clinic to help you learn to quiet the noise in your head, or find a way to get used to it. i think i'm going through a midlife crisis as well, no fun either... as for the quilting, I occasionally hand quilt, but it takes forever. When I machine quilt, I just "stitch in the ditch" (the seams) or hand tie every 5 inches with embroidery thread. For most of my quilts though, I send them out to be done. There's a lady who is very reasonable, and most of my quilts, including backing and batting, are under $100 to have someone else quilt them...so that's my preferred method. I hope you have fun with your new toy though! good luck!! xoxoxo Carol, Ross' mom
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Hi Carol, it's so nice to see that handsome Ross,, such a good looking boy :) . xo Brenda
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Carol:
It was good to see Roos's face again. I haven't been here for a while but I am like you sometimes where I want to move back home to be closer to family, But My grandchildren are here and I could not leave them. I miss my sister,and mother dearly and want to spend more time with them. My sister is only 3 hours away but there are times it seems I never see her. With gas and everything else don't have the time or money to go home. Hugs LaVonne.