Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: laurenE on February 12, 2008, 06:52:12 PM

Title: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: laurenE on February 12, 2008, 06:52:12 PM
The Sibling Loss board is a place where those of us who are siblings gather and support each other in our grief.   It is a place  where we are free to be ourselves or be anonymous.  It is our safe place to laugh,  cry,  vent,  express our anger at our situation,  be confused,  or simply share and  remember our siblings who have died.   It is a place where we can offer support to others as well as ask for support in our own journey.
  Feel free to respond to posts already started or you can start your own.  Don't forget to go to the introduction board and post a brief introduction about yourself and  how  and when your sibling  died.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: jarenmom on March 01, 2008, 10:15:12 AM
A coworker gave me an article about your website. I'm so grateful to find a place to share my grief. I loss my brother and best friend on December 18, 2007. He and I were as close as siblings could be and I'm having an awfully hard time dealing with his death. I have cried 76 days straight since his passing. I'm only a speck of the person I was before his death. The only thing that keeps me going is my wonderful 19 year old son. I don't know how to begin healing, even when I pass places in the city, or someone mentions his name, I cry. I am so sad and I can bearly function. I am a Katrina survivor. My brother was a police officer in New Orleans. The stress of the storm and life in New Orleans contributed to his unexpected death. He was only 48 years old. I'm angry, hurt, and depressed. We shared everything and I feel that a huge part of me is dead too. I don't laugh anymore, I'm not interested in socializing, my faith has weakened, and I wake up, go to work, then come home, sleep and repeat the process. I have a hard time at family gatherings because he is not there. I'm miserable and angry because of his sudden death. Ive never been in so much pain and I don't know what to do or how to begin to heal.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: blueskies on March 02, 2008, 10:59:14 AM
Hi - I lost my brother on October 7, 2007. He had barely turned 51. He was my best friend and I am having a very hard time dealing with his death. His death was unexpected - a heart attack...and he was alone when he died. My dad died December 27, 2006 and I was just coming to grips with that loss when my brother died. My dad's death was after a long illness and as much as I was devastated by his death it does not compare to what I am going through due to  the loss of my brother. The pain is physical as well as emotional. My upper chest feels like it is tight or freezing up all the time. I managed to hold it together at school up until last week. Then, I just was so tired and stressed that I couldn't take the talking back and arguing from my 7th grade students and I shouted at them to shut up. I never used to do that... they don't listen to anything else...its like they can sense that I'm in a weakened state and they are just going to run wild. I have a sister but we are not close. She is four years younger than me. She drove my brother nuts. He loved her of course but she added stress to his life...(greedy stuff). My brother was the one who I shared my life with and he shared his life with me. We were only 18 months apart in age .He was the one person in my life that I knew I could always count on and he knew he could count on me. He lived with me for almost a year when he was out of work when my daughter was 12.. But he had been living with my parents to help out with my dad for the past four years and I didn't get to see him during that time. We talked on the phone often. I talked to him one week before he died. I was worried about how tired he was. There were hints that something was wrong. I remember a few weeks earlier I had told him to make sure he didn't have walking pneumonia. I didn't stop to think about blood clots and heart attacks. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that it is good that you cry. Keeping it in will make you sick. I have not been able to release all my grief and it is knotting up in me. I have been so busy worrying about my mom and children... I guess I am angry at fate..it seems so unfair that he was just getting to the point where he had hope and was building a business. We had talked about moving back up North together. He was going to help my daughter with her college studies..math and German. He was her biggest supporter. Crying is good... exhausting but good.  I don't have any family gatherings to go to... besides, he and I understood each other and none of my other family members have that kind of relationship. We had this shared understanding of our childhood and the things we went through with my dad, our neighborhood, school, etc. He cared about things going on in this country and was an intellectual... yet he was without airs or snobbery. The girl who ran the storage unit where he kept his skis and other things was in tears when she heard he died. He was just as at home driving over the road tractor trailers as he was being a member of MENSA. I don't know how to tell you to heal...I just can tell you I do understand the pain. I have been listening to some Irish Keeling music... Lamantations... it helps me to cry... I try to remind myself that he would want me to be healthy...he always was sending me vitamins etc, he would want me to do well in this world.. he would not want me to waste my time here.... I know all those things mentally but emotionally... I need to get rid of the pain.... I wish I could help you too. Take care.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: KawfeeDrnkr on March 02, 2008, 12:13:11 PM
Hi Jarenmom & Blueskies,

I am so sorry to read about your recent losses of your bothers. I wish I could say something or reach out to hug ya to make the pain go away but I realize through my own grief process that words cannot heal us or take away our pain but they can help us cope and I can extend a virtual hug ((HUGS)) to both of you.

Losing a sibling is very hard - I never imagined that I would experience such pain & an empty void in my heart. I can relate to the bond you had with your brothers because I too had a bond with my sister & that bond and friendship is forever gone. I know it's going to take time until the pain eases inside of me. The support you get from other loved ones and this forum will help ease the pain because you are surrounded by people who can empathize with your pain.

I hope to see you both back here getting the support and encouraging words that will help you cope with your losses.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: laurenE on March 04, 2008, 04:36:49 PM
Jarnemom and blueskies,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I cant imagine the pain of loosing a sibling. 
I hope you find the support and strength you need here.   

Welcome but so sorry for your loss

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Grieving in Texas on March 17, 2008, 08:37:47 PM
 :'( Well, I received the bad news today, I got a call from my boss who said I needed to come in and see him, and he did not say why, I was already up and dressed to go to work, so I packed my lunch and went in, when I went into his office he asked me to sit down, he told me that my brother who worked in another part of the state had died in his sleep of a heart attack, I blew, my mind did not seem to understand at first, he I said what and he told me again, I must have cried for a good forty minutes, before I could even speak, they had a friend take me home and someone else drove my car to my house, my mother had died last year and he was all I had left of my immediate family, I just dont know where to start, right know I am feeling numb like someone had shot me, he was only 40 years old, just had a birthday on the 9th, no this is not right, I must be in some kind of nightmare, it cant be true, someone please say it is just a dream.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Berlin1 on April 06, 2008, 12:57:34 PM
My brother died in a car crash on 21 December 2007, he was my best friend.  Our parents died when we were very young so it was always me and my two brothers against the world and I just don't know how to be without him.  I miss him so much and just cannot believe I will ever feel truly happy again.  I have a 5 year old daughter and know I have to be strong for her and I am but everything feels wrong now.  I'm very angry that he's gone, not with him just with life.  I just feel totally lost and can't bear the pain. 
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: laurenE on April 06, 2008, 01:45:50 PM

Welcome to the sight.  I am so very sorry for your losses.   I know how important siblings become when you lose your parents. I can not imagine how close you two must have grown after your parents died. 

  I have lost both of my parents as well.      I think loosing my father when I was  12 was easier than loosing my mother when I was 35.  There is something about childhood resiliency.   And something about loosing someone as an adult.

   I hope you find comfort here on the sibling loss board and hope you will find someone in your life who can be supportive as you go thru this pain.   Grief was not meant to be endured alone.   Grief does not last forever, thankfully.

Hang in there and please let us know how you are doing.

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: tsan on April 10, 2008, 12:07:22 PM
Dear Jarenmom,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my sister in an accident 20 years ago (she was 25, I was 17). But she still lives in my memory. I see her in my dreams. Being the older sister, she was always protective of me. On the day she died, I had had a fight with her. And I am still not able to get over my feeling of guilt. I just feel that I contributed to her death. But during moments of distress and crises, I somehow feel her presence. I somehow feel that she gets me through difficult circumstances.  Feels like she forgave me.
For a very long time I did not want to acknowledge her death. I did not let out my sorrows. I think that that is why I have not healed still.
It is good for you to cry out now. As hard as it sounds, you will eventually get over this phase.
My prayers for you.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: horselovsnuggler on October 29, 2008, 06:36:53 AM
I am new to this, but the lose is not. My parents and I did not get along so they sent me to live with my brother while they were long haul truckers. He was everything to me, my gaurdian, my confidant, my protector and my best friend. I had a dream of him driving on an extremely curvey mountain road and that the car flipped over on him and that he died. I woke up and was paniced. I told him about my dream and he held me and calmed me down, but I had that very same dream 2 more times and then I got the knock on the door. It was a detective telling me the very same dream I had. I never visited the place where my brother died, but I described it to the detective and it was like I was there. My parents told me to move back in and when the family came for the funeral I was told that I would have to stay in a tent in the back yard and that what I was feeling didn't matter. My parents thought that they were doing what was best for me at the time, but does it ever stop hurting?  I had just turned 18 that year and my whole world was gone. It has been over 20 years since that and I still miss him every day...I did find my soulmate, but lost him to cancer in 1996 and just this past April I lost my father. I am so empty inside. I am not sure what to do. 
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: treehuggermm on February 04, 2009, 05:42:00 PM
I lost my brother in November after a 4 year battle with cancer. he was only 32- diagnosed 6 months after he got married. I was there when he passed, holding his hand. I thought I was doing ok, Made it through the wake, funeral, and multiple family gatherings, even the holidays weren't so horrible...but after a pretty ugly breakdown at a friends house a few weeks ago I feel like the leavy broke and there is no repairing it.  I think about mike every day.  I usually end up crying everyday, or atleast have to fight back tears a few times a day.  The littlest things make me think of him.  I want to be happy when I think of him, but Im not there yet, and I refuse to let myself stop thinking of him. 
I know time will help ease the pain, but I feel like Ive taken a giant leap in reverse
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: georgiapeaches on February 05, 2009, 06:17:21 AM
Hi Laura,
So sorry for your loss, your not going in reverse, sometimes when someone we are so cllose to dies we are in shock so we just go with the flow and after everthing is over is when everything hits. I think about my husband and my mom everyday and sometimes still go to call my mother. You cant just erase them from your life that easy. This is a hard journey that we are all on , but you are not alone, we are all here to talk with you or just listen.

The next ime you post a comment though you should start your own post, I almost didnt see you post because you attached it to a old one. I do hope you come back and tell us more about you and your brother Mike. My prayers are with you.

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Jeanneb on February 05, 2009, 11:36:24 AM

You are very early on this journey.  Let yourself go.... go with your emotions.  Grief is a long hard process.. it is lots of work.  The best advice I can give you is just to let yourself feel what you feel at the time it is happening.

You have found a great place to come and share your feelings with people who truly understand what you are going through.   You might even want to post on the main board just because the sibling board can be a little inactive at times.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and hope to see you post again.

Philip's mom forever
Bruce's sister
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Luvinmike on February 05, 2009, 02:29:22 PM
Dear Laura, so sorry to hear about your brother Mike. Please tell us about your brother. How is the rest of the family doing? I agreed w/ Georgia and Jeanneb, this is a long winding road with setbacks like you are having, but you will keep going. You will eventually find more gratitude in your thoughts for having him as your brother instead of just all agony at your loss. At least that is my hope and prayer for all of us missing someone so special. We all hope to hear from you. terri
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: laurenE on February 05, 2009, 06:49:41 PM

No, you;ve not  taken a step back.  You've just started thawing out your emotions.    You can't heal emotions until you allow yourself to feel them.   Crying is healing and I encourage you to just let it flow when you are in a safe and appropriate place to do so.   

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
I hope you find comfort here

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: irish4479 on March 20, 2009, 10:53:19 AM
Hi -
I lost my sister, Michele who was four years younger than me a month ago.  She has been sick for a long time with the asthma, emphysema and the MRSA pneumonia.  She was doing so good - I was going to see her on Monday and stay over.   Her husband called me on Sunday morning and told me she has passed away in her sleep.  I lost both my parents, sister and brother and she was my only sibling.   I feel so guilty for not having some more time with her - she left three boys 29, 22 and a nine year old. He comes down twice a  month to stay me and my family. It is a horrible feeling - crying is random - sometime you have good days and then bad days.  I had a bad night last night as I realized it was a month since I had spoken to my sister and the realization that I was never going to hear her voice again. I screamed and begged her for her forgiveness for not being there more.  My son-in-law is very worried about me but I think I will do my crying and yelling when no one is there - so that way they cannot hear me.  Plus I was in a car accident two days after my sister died.    I am in therapy right now to help me cope and she said you need to let it all out for it will make you sick.  So I am doing the best I can - but it is a lonely feeling to be the last one in the family.   :'(
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: laurenE on March 20, 2009, 03:56:48 PM
Hi Irish,

I'm glad you found us, but so sorry for your sisters death, and all the many deaths you have had to experience.   Yes it is awful to be the last one around. I know what you mean.    But as hard as it is,  you take the good from all of them and just carry on little traits here and there, so that they will forever be alive.

keep writing,  and welcome

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: sadave on March 30, 2009, 05:58:26 PM
 My brother died.  Only 3 weeks ago.  3 weeks ago I wouldn't have looked for this site.  He died skiing.  An avalanche!  of all things.  He left behind very small children, a wife, his parents, me.  I now am an only child.  He was 20 months older.  We were close.  The worst part about this is the finality of death.  That I'll never never see him again.  That his children will never know him.  That his wife's future dreams are shattered.  That my parent's child predeceased them.  The worst is loss of hope.  I am certain I'll never feel hope again.  Or real joy.  I wish I was a religious fanatic--I'd have something to hold on to.  Right now everything hurts: light, sound, shadow, taste--all stimuli.  The pain is bottomless.   Does it, will it, ever ever be better?
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Luvinmike on April 05, 2009, 09:37:17 PM
Sorry for your loss, this is so sad and overwhelming. We would care to hear more about you and your brother if you feel up to it. Again, just so sorry. Terri  :'( :'(
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: trying2heal on April 25, 2009, 08:55:13 PM
Hi Irish 4479,  :'(

I so understand your pain. I lost my only sister Deb on November 15th - just shy of 5 months ago. Her birthday is tomorrow. The pain is so very deep. There are so many stages of grief. I keep circling around and never quite complete any certain stage. I went to grief counseling. I'm still in deep pain. I call her cell phone to hear her voice. Her husband can't bring himself to disconnect her phone. I miss her so very much. I just with I could talk to her one more time. I lost my mother when I was a teenager. My sister sacrificed her life to take care of me. She was only a few years older than me, but throughout my entire life she kept watch and took care of me always. I feel so alone. I feel your pain. You are not alone.   
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: atxblues on May 07, 2009, 09:58:17 PM
I just lost my brother 5-3-09.  We didnt find out he had passed until 5-6-09. He hadnt returned our calls for a few days we got worried about him.  He always calls back.  His work said he hadnt been in.  The police broke into his apartment to find him dead.  Dead at 26. Im only 24 this shouldnt be happening.  They say it looks like he just dies in his sleep and they still dont know why.  I just cant figure this out.  We are both grown and live in different cities than our parents.  I wanted him to move out to Dallas with me so bad and he choose Austin.  I just feel like I could have done something.  I wish I would have called him Sunday and maybe something would have been different.  My Mom spoke with him Sunday.  I havent heard his voice in a week.  I just cant stop calling his phone to hear his voicemail and leave a message.  What kills me is its still ringing, why doesnt someone turn it off.  I miss him so badly.  He will miss out on my whole life, he will never have children, never get married, never see mine.  I love him so much.  We moved around our entire lives because of my dads job but we always had each other.  Making new friends every three years, but that one constant is now gone. WHY?
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Sad Eyes on May 08, 2009, 05:54:47 AM
Dear atxblues,

You have my deepest sympathy for your loss.  I'm sorry that you have to go through the pain and sorrow of having lost your brother.  I hope that you will find some comfort knowing that you can come here where others understand your pain and someone is always willing to lend you a shoulder to lean on when you need to talk.  Take care!

Sad Eyes
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Bethers on June 09, 2009, 01:47:14 PM
Hi I Just joined this site and am just getting my bearings...

I lost my sister Millie on 1.2.06, she was 21 months old, She died in a tragic accident, Millie had climbed down the side of her bed to reach a soft toy, Millie got trapped by the iron bars of her bed and eventually suffocated.

I miss her so much :'( I need someone who understands sibling grief, I believe we are the forgotten mouners in today's society, as most grief resources are targeted at bereaved parents.

Siblings have feelings too!

Bethanie x
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Luvinmike on June 10, 2009, 03:46:22 AM
Dear Bethanie- Oh so sorry about your baby sister Millie. I see it has been a few years, but of course the grief stays. I am glad you found this site, please start a new thread and tell us more about your family if you want- there is more activity sometimes on the Main board, and you are welcome to post on any of the boards here. Again, welcome and ask any questions, ask for support, or just read and post as you like. I'm sure I speak for many here in sending you strength and a wish for some comfort. Sincerely, Terri (Main board, lost my husband too soon).
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: BigSis on June 10, 2009, 07:33:23 PM
Dear Bethanie

Very sad to hear about yr loss. I lost my dearest brother and it is 6 months on June 12. Really hurts a lot at any age.  We have to live the rest of our lives with this sorrow and can never forget them.

Take care

Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: BabyDoll on June 12, 2009, 07:47:22 PM
Hi all.  I lost my brother on May 3rd (it was his heart...a sudden, quick death).  He was 39 years old.  My mom called me at 3:25 am to tell me my brother was gone.  Since I live in Texas and all of my family is in Michigan, I had to book a flight the same day.  My brother had never married and has no children.  He was my only sibling.  I figured I'd get "the call" someday thinking that it would be about one of my parents...not my brother.  Everything since May 3rd feels like I'm walking through a fog.  I have a husband and children, but they weren't able to go up with me for the funeral and such (husband couldn't get time off and it was too expensive to fly myself and all the kids up).  I was up north for two weeks and was able to see family that I haven't seen in years...such a bittersweet time. 

My husband lost his mother in 2005. . . I loved my mother-in-law; but my husband never bonded with my family and therefore, is not as sympathetic or interested in what I'm going through, so I feel alone in my grief. . . I feel for all of you . .  . it kinda helps to know that others know what I'm going through right now. 

My brother was such a great guy!  He was always laughing.  He dearly loved my kids and loved to spoil them.  I just wish I had lived closer to him, so we could have spent more time together. 

I feel an even greater burden than ever in caring for my parents when the time comes.  I just assumed that when that day came my brother and I would help out together. 

Does the ache  ever go away???  At times, I feel as if I can't take anymore of the pain of loss! 
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Doug1222 on January 11, 2012, 08:38:13 PM
Hi, everybody. I guess this is as good a place as any to introduce myself. I lost my brother in 1995 when he was 22 and I was 27. He was active duty in the Army and was killed in an auto accident on his way home. It was a very busy time. I was in my last semester of college, just starting a new job, then I got married, and a lot of other stuff. I was just beginning to deal with the hurt from that when my dad was killed in a very similar accident in 2000 when he was 57. They were both young, healthy, and completely innocent. It's just something that happened. It felt like a knife being plunged into the old wound. After that, I basically shut down a part of my heart. I remember it happening. It was all just too much.

What brought me here was researching what I thought was a mid-life crisis...and probably was one. I've been feeling empty for at least a year. I've made decisions that were out of character and that could be destructive to everything in my life. I felt lost. I questioned everything: job, marriage, family...and came very close to throwing my whole life away like so many do. I knew all along the problem was me. I just didn't know what it was. Then I realized the real problem.

I never grieved my brother or my dad properly!

My wife was there for both deaths. We were dating when my brother died and married when my dad did. She's been my rock for the last twenty years. I was so confused and empty feeling for the last few months that I nearly thought we'd end up divorced. Now I think I know what the real problem is, and I'm ready to start dealing with it. She agrees with me, too. I'm very glad I found this group, and I'll be reading to learn from your experiences. I'm ready to start healing the hole inside of me. Thank you for giving me a place.

Edit: I just noticed something. I was adding my brother's dates to the other thread about birthdays and angel dates. I can't remember the date he died. I notice most people know it exactly, but I never really notice that date. My mom makes a big deal about angel dates, but I never notice them. She calls every year to ask if I'm all right. I always think,"I was until you called and reminded me what day it is." I don't really pay attention to that date. I'm pretty sure it was July 8 with my brother, though. Just something odd I noticed. Most people know. I'm not sure if I do. I remember birthdays.
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: lindsalee7 on January 22, 2014, 08:36:15 AM

Hi! I'm 32 and lost my younger sister (26) just 7 months ago. I'm lost, heartbroken, angry...so many things. She wasn't just my sister, she was my best friend. I'm new to webhealing and hoping it will help :)
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: CCates on June 24, 2018, 06:59:56 PM
Hello, I'm 34 i lost my brother to MS April 20th 2018.. Just 2 months has gone by since he passed, but not a day goes by that i don't think of him. I'm having a hard time, there is a piece missing and I feel lost.. I talk to my sister and mom about it almost everyday, it helps but I still feel that there is something missing.. I'm a fixer and i don't know how to fix this..
Title: Re: Information about the Sibling Loss Board
Post by: Terry on June 25, 2018, 08:28:20 AM

I'm sorry to read of the death of your precious brother.

Welcome to Webhealing.