Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: butterfly26 on December 02, 2007, 09:28:25 PM

Title: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: butterfly26 on December 02, 2007, 09:28:25 PM
I think that my situation is a lot different than most people who have lost siblings.  When I was 2 years old, my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 3 and a half.  It came and went until she finally lost her battle against it when she was 13 (I was almost 12).  I can still remember having to stay with relatives when she was in and out of the hospital and feeling invisible to a lot of people.  On top of that, I witnessed kids teasing her at school (when she was well enough to go) for having no hair (because of her chemotheraphy).  I think it hurt her just as much as it hurt me.  She and I were very close growing up and I considered her my best friend.  We are of mixed race (black and white) and it was hard growing up in a small town in the South.  I felt that she was the only one who understood. 

Eventually, she was sent home from the hopital because they told my parents there was nothing more they could do.  I remember her being in a coma, staying in my parents room for the last 9 months of her life.  I still remember the night she died in our old house.

Since then I have been my parents only child.  I didn't even start dealing with it until I was 17, and even then it was very difficult.  I am now 26 and still miss her dearly, especially over the holidays.  Since I moved out of my parents house almost a year ago, I sometimes feel guilty because if I don't visit, my parents won't get to see their only living daughter.

I can't talk about this with my parents because it makes them so sad and none of my friends have lost anyone close.  Sometimes I feel as though I am suffering alone.  I am hoping someone on here can offer some words of encouragement and understanding.  Thanks so much!
Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: Dawson on December 02, 2007, 09:39:48 PM
I lost my 14 y/0 girl recently. My baby girl, Madi, is 9 and has lost her only sister. I am so worried for her. I am divorced from her Mom and do not get to see her but every other weekend. I ask her often how she is feeling but I am afraid she is trying to be "strong" for her Momma and Daddy. Your story touches me because I do not want my little baby girl to grow up and later have to deal with the horrible emotional pain. I wish she could get the grieving done now, not to rush though, and be happy and past hardcore grief as a young adult.
My friend, I will pray for you tonight.
Dawson - Macy's Daddy
prayer was just now done. I was not kidding when I said I would pray. Big hug friend!
Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: butterfly26 on December 02, 2007, 09:56:10 PM
Thank you for your prayers.  I would say not to worry about your other daughter.  I was in such deep denial for so long it was like it didn't even happen.  A young mind can't even begin to fathom something so tragic.  Once your daughter is ready she will grieve.  It took me 6 years to even start.  When she does, and up until then, I am sure you will be there for her.  I will pray for you both :)

Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: Lonnie on December 02, 2007, 11:35:09 PM
Butterfly: I just wanted to greet you, and let you know how sorry I am for the loss of your sister. It's amazing how, if we don't grieve fully at the time of death, the need will still be there later.  And of course, we will ALWAYS miss our loved ones. I know you miss her so very much.
I guess the only way to handle the situation, with being an only child now, is to try and balance your life and theirs. Visit when you can, because I am sure it means so much to them, and explain compassionately when you can't. It is very hard with that sort of pressure from yourself to be there, I am sure. Others will no doubt be along soon, with more suggestions. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Lonnie
Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: bean on December 03, 2007, 06:26:49 PM
Hi butterfly
I read your message and in a lot of ways I am in the same boat as you.  I lost my brother six years ago and am now my parents only child- wow do I feel the obligation to alway's speak with them and see them as much as possible.  Not that I don't want to but its hard to alway's have that in the back of your head.  I basically create things for my mom to keep her busy and mind off things at times.  I do the best I can with her- while still managing my own marriage and life.  It's so hard...I understand what you mean totally.  Even with the holiday's I'm alway's thinking if I'm not there (visiting my husband's side on Christmas Eve mine Christmas Day which I have to do...) then who's going to be there for them??? I hate the fact I can't be there constantly- alway's in the middle!  Its so incredibly hard to deal with- nevermind our own grieving... which I too, wouldn't discuss with them- they are dealing with enough.  Also, I have no friends either who are in this position, I too feel very alone in this grief.  Yes I have my husband, but he lost his gandparents... not even close to my loss.  Losing grandparents are natural.  Losing your only sibling is not.  I want you to know that you are not alone- and I' am here as well as so many others to chat with if you need and want to.  Thinking of you, bean
Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: Landons Mom Shelly on December 05, 2007, 08:47:14 PM

I'm glad you found this site and am so sorry for what you had to deal with over the loss of your beloved sister.  I lost my 11 y/o son Landon on June 1st of this year and am really concerned about his siblings . . . Lyndsay (19), Bryan (16) and Christian (10), who was the closest to him of all the kids, those two did EVERYTHING together.  They slept in the same room together ever since he was born and I never thought he'd be able to handle losing his best buddy in the world, Landon.  Christian has cried only a few times in the last 6 months, I worry that he isn't really handling the loss at all but perhaps trying to ignore or pretend that Landon isn't gone afterall.  He talks about Landon all the time, we're able to talk about things we all did together, funny stories, etc.  Maybe I'm trying to read too much into all of this, I just don't want this to hit him years from now. 

As a parent, I would hope my kids could come talk to me, it may make them (your folks) sad but they would never want you to walk through your grief alone.  Let them know how you're feeling.  So many people don't talk to me or say Landon's name for fear of making me sad, but it makes me so sad to have people NOT talk about him, I want people to remember him, sure it will make me cry, but it's better than pretending like nothing happened at all.

My thoughts & prayers are with you,

Landons Mom forever,


Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: butterfly26 on December 07, 2007, 08:23:37 PM
Thanks for everyone's kind words.  Her birthday was yesterday (she would have been 28) and it was kinda hard.  I made sure to call my parents to let them know I was thinking of them.  It is especially difficult over the holidays, I miss her so much.  I see my cousins and their familes and can't help thinking "what if".

It's funny how we all grieve at our own pace.
Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: DianasMemory on December 19, 2007, 06:07:43 PM
I lost my brother 24 years ago and it does hurt.  I was nine year old when he passed and I didn't understand what was going on.  I didn't really process it until I was in high school after a friend passed away in a car accident.  Recently, since my mom's passing six months ago I've been missing them both so much.  I wonder what kind of uncle he would have been.  I was the youngest of four and we were seven years apart.  I remember how much my brother to meant to me.

I named my son after him.  My son even looks like my brother did at this age.  I believe we deal with this in our own ways.  It is sometimes hard but I think I dealt with his passing as I could and in the right time even years later.

Title: Re: I lost my sister so long ago, but it still hurts
Post by: idunno on January 24, 2008, 03:34:54 PM
I lost my sister 4 years ago in a car accident, and it is hard to lose a sister.  She was much older than me though.  I know what you mean when you say you felt invisible and that you can't talk to your parents about it because it is so hard for them.  Everytime my mom sayd anything about her she gets teary-eyed.  When it first happend I lived with my mom and had to be strong for her and then I moved out two years ago and I think it's harder for me now because I can finally deal with it.  I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can get some help.