Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: Irene on October 02, 2007, 07:25:23 PM

Title: Thanksgiving
Post by: Irene on October 02, 2007, 07:25:23 PM
   Next Monday, is Thanksgiving in Canada(where I live). Every Thanksgiving now, is tainted by one of the last memories of my mom. I think I must write this down, every year now, so I hope that some of your memories have failed, so it looks like I am writing this down for the first time.
   My mother's health had been failing for some time, although her doctor had given the incorrect diagnosis of lactose intolerance, so we had no idea that her condition was as serious as it was. Every Thanksgiving, my family and mom and dad and brother, would get together and in the last few years, I had been the one to prepare the meals, as it had just got to be too much for my mom. As the day approached in 2004, my mom made no mention of Thanksgiving. Finally, I made mention of it to my mom, and she responded with what I thought was indifference. Later that night, she called me and told me that we could get together.
   The next day, I prepared the meal and brought it over. My mom came out of her bedroom, attempted to eat the turkey dinner, and then said that she just didn't feel well. She returned to her room, and didn't come out again, that night.
   This is the one memory, that if I could have had it to do all over again, I would ask for the chance to have realized how truly sick my mother was. Every year, this memory comes back to haunt me, and I realize how much I miss my mom. Every year, this memory brings the tears back again.
   Thanks for listenning. It does get easier with time, but there are moments and times of the year, that the pain comes back to the forefront.
Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: nana on October 03, 2007, 12:28:34 AM
Hello Irene,

I also live in Canada and I am dreading Thanksgiving.  My husband preferred to have our special dinners for occasions like Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas at our house.  As a result I cooked and he helped with the dinners too and the kids and their families would all come over.  My husband likes eating at home esspecially where there was turkey being served because he loved left over turkey.

Last Thanksgiving, our daughters in-laws invited us over for Thanksgiving so we went.  He said well, we will go but just for the sake of our daughter.  I said fine and I will cook for next Thanksgiving and remember I will be cooking the turkey for Christmas. 

I wish we hadn't gone because first of all my daughter's mother-in-law would never speak to Clarence my husband but her husband would and so would the rest of the family.  At this dinner she wouldn't even acknowledge him and I was spitting nails when we left.  I did tell her shortly afterwards how I felt how she treated my husband and she said that her husband spoke to him all the time so why should she.  I told her that I spoke to both her and her husband and her reply was  that she didn't see what she did wrong.

Well two months later on the 20th of Dec. Clarence died from a ruptured aorta aneurysm.  It bothers me so much that  we went to that stupid dinner at the in-laws, I will never forgive myself for accepting the invite.  Now this Monday will be so hard because he will  not be here.

I know I should not blame myself just you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to your mom, BUT it is so hard not to isn't it.

Didn't mean to write a book, I just feel so awful.

Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: Irene on October 03, 2007, 05:41:30 AM
Hi Nana,
   I think that both of our loved ones would tell us, not to focus on that one day, but on the great memories that preceded them. It is easy to say it, but when Thanksgiving approaches- hard to do.
   I remember that my mom always seemed to be tired, and not feeling well in the last few months. I had in the back of my head, the fear that there was going to be a day in the not too distant future, that she wouldn't be with us any longer. With that in mind, I wanted to share the holidays, special moments with her, every chance I could, and the last Thanksgiving, when she just didn't want to do anything, I was hurt. I still feel that had I known she was dying, I wouldn't have been so selfish about my emotions-even though I never revealed this to her.
  I hope that you will have family around to spend Thanksgiving with, and the holiday will bring forward some happy memories.
Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: Crushed on October 03, 2007, 06:31:27 AM
Irene, I am so sorry that you have this memory for your last Thanksgiving.The MIL shows once again how stupid people can be. Chalk it up to that and please let it go. Hind site is 20/20 and it takes energy to beat your self up so badly. We are all sorry for things that we did, but at the time we didn't know what was ahead and we did the best we could. Please try to focus on the positive and let the other go. It was one bad holiday out of years of good ones. Had it not been the last one, you wouldn't think any thing of it.
Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: laurenE on October 03, 2007, 03:40:38 PM

I was thinking about you all day today. Funny you should post today.  I had noticed on my calender that Thanksgiving was coming up for you Canadians.  :)      I'm sorry that your mom cant be with you anymore.  But remember to do little things to bring her closer to you.  I was looking at receipe's yesterday in a book and found my mothers pumpkin cake receipe and I literally felt the sting of pain.    I am going to make that cake this weekend.      Make your mothers special dish,  light a candle and enjoy the  precious memories  , good times and friendship that you and your mother shared.    And  please let go of the guilt of not knowing how sick your mother was.  How could you have known?   You couldnt.   I think God gives us limited knowledge to protect us sometimes.   Maybe this was one of those times.

Hugs and enjoy your turkey.   I cant wait for ours,  on Nov 22. 
Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: Irene on October 03, 2007, 08:30:27 PM
Hi Lauren,
   Well one of the bright spots in all of this, is the fact that I've met you through this board. I remember when the tears would flow, and I would write here and the
replies were so comforting.
   I think that God sometimes sends others to comfort us, when we have trouble letting hold of that guilt.
Title: Re: Thanksgiving
Post by: laurenE on October 04, 2007, 11:08:40 AM
Oh I know He does.   He sent me this websight and you as well.   I remember thinking in my early grief that I didnt know what I needed or wanted.  Some how God always knew and provided it for me, whether it was the words from someone here or something a friend would say , or something I would hear on Sunday morning.    There's even a bible verse about that... I cant remember where its found but it basically says that even when we do not know what we want,  the Holy Spirit knows what we need and provides it for us. 

Happy Thanksgiving.   I'm thankful for YOU  :)