Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: Coco on July 17, 2007, 06:13:21 AM

Title: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on July 17, 2007, 06:13:21 AM
Was so glad to find this website.  Many of my friends have lost parents but rarely anyone has lost a sibling.  It has been over a year since I lost my big brother.  He was more like a father to me than a brother.  My mom died when I was 15 and he watched over me even though I had a dad.  Everyday I ask myself how am I going to go on without him this is just a bad dream.  Some days he hurts more than others it hurts more when there is something good or bad to share, I just want to hear my best friend on the other end of the phone.  I have a sister left but she just does not take the place of what my brother and I shared.  I just wonder if it is going to get any easier. Love to hear what others think.......
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: kelly37 on July 17, 2007, 11:08:50 AM
Well I can't say it gets any better but for me the pain has eased somewhat.  My brother has been gone 6 years and the tears still flow, the gut wrenching ache is still there.  At first I was a wreck but over time I have learned to "accept" the fact he's not coming back!  I actually think it may have taken about 5 years to accept that!  He was the wild one of the family, always cracking jokes (whether appropriate or not  :) ) and I miss that so much!  He could make you cry or make you laugh---I also have a sister and our relationship is not the same as my brother & I had!  I'm a little more like my brother and my sister is the more level headed one if ya know what I mean?  We can't joke like my brother & I did.  We don't have a strong tie.  I remember having dreams about him; I'd wake up thinking was that real or not?  He came to me one time in a dream, the last dream I had of him, and hugged me and said "I'm ok" and he walked away into fog!!!  I honestly think he knew how hard I took his death & he came to give me reassurance! 

I'm also new to this site and I love it.  Hopefully you will find it helps you too. 
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on July 17, 2007, 12:03:53 PM
I lost my brother Jan. 1 of 2006. I still cry, but just not as much. I too miss calling him just to chat. I miss our talks. He was my older brother as well. I just turned 32 last month which is how old he was when he died. It seems to hurt more this year then it did the last. We didn't talk all of the time. We lived in 2 different towns 3 hours away from each other.

I, too, have a sister that is younger than me. She moved 10 minutes away from me a month after my brother died. We have never been real close. She is 8 years younger than me and I was pretty much doing my own thing while she was growing up. Moving her so close didn't seem to work out real well. All we did is fight back and forth. At one point, it even got physical. I have never had a fight like that with her. My brother was the only one I ever got in physical fights with. Only a few times though. She has moved up north now. She has only been up there for a week now. I still hear from her on the phone though.

I am so jealous to hear about everyone who has dreams of their loved ones. I have never had a dream about my brother. I feel his spirit though which I am grateful for.  I'd give anything to have him in person again though. I miss how he brought so much fun to a room. He was the goofiest person I know.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on July 17, 2007, 12:16:39 PM
Thanks for your message.  I was wondering how your parents have coped
with your brothers loss?
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on July 17, 2007, 01:47:09 PM
They are having a hard time with it. My mother started taking depression medicine and zanax and my dad just buried himself in anger. He really has a lot of anger towards the 2 wives he had. He blames my brothers death on them for them making his life miserable. I know in the grief process, their is anger, but I just wander if he is ever going to come out of it. My brother was their only son. I feel so bad for them. I hope I don't ever have to experience the death of a child. It was so hard for me just to deal with my brothers death. The fact that he hung himself makes it so hard to deal with.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: middle sis on July 17, 2007, 03:47:16 PM
Sorry for the loss of your brother, but I'm glad you found this site. It has been a great source of comfort, understanding, and compassion for me. While there may not always be alot of activity here, someone usually responds within a day or two. I know I try to. Sometimes it just helps coming here and writing whatever it is I am feeling at that time....a great way to vent.
I too had a wonderful relationship with my brother. He was older, so I looked up to him. My sister was younger, and while we didn't have the same kind of relationship, we were still close. I think the big brother syndrome....being the protector with a big heart......is what makes those bonds more special. Take Care
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on July 18, 2007, 05:33:10 AM
My brother died at 52 of a brain tumor it was so awful to see him go down the tubes right in front of my eyes.  I 43, also have had breast cancer along with several other family members.  I wonder if anyone out there could relate to be scared about our own health and long term life potential?
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on July 24, 2007, 05:48:31 AM
Hi just wanted to write this morning.  I went away this weekend with my husband fly fishing in NH.  We did have a good time but I felt very anxious all weekend.  Fishing was my brothers favorite activity in life and I thought about him all day.  I found mys elf thinking it is not true right that I can't call him when I get home to tell him what I caught.  Sometimes it feels so much better than other days and some days the pain is unbearable.....I think now that the relief of him of being out of pain is gone we have to deal with the reality of how do you go on without the person it has been 1 year and 2 months.....
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on August 02, 2007, 08:24:36 AM
Last night I was reviewing my wedding album I got married five years ago to a wonderful man.  I cannot blieve how much my family has changed in five years.  My brother died, my sister got divorced and I got breast cancer.
My dad is also having a hard time in his marriage of 25 years she is not my  mom.  Sometimes life has so many setbacks it is hard to remain positive.  Then you meet others who have not had to endure anything in their lives
I feel like I have had more than my share.
Anyone who could relate out there?????
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on August 02, 2007, 12:47:30 PM
Hey Coco,

That sounds like the direction I am heading into. My brother just died last year in Jan. and I am fighting with my husband really bad. I think it is time to seperate. We just keep having the same old fight over and over again. I am doing everything I can and nothing seems to be enough. I have 3 children of my own and have taken on someone elses 2 children for xtra cash during the week. We are very active in going to parks and to the beach. I also have to take all 5 children with me when I go to the grocery store or Wal Mart. It seems like that is my life any more.  Plus I work 4 nights a week at a restaurant till 11 p.m. and on Sat. I work till 2 a.m.  He seems to think I do nothing around the house and I only have a part time job. I am so sick of this argument. I am just too tired to go another round. He said he would actually leave this time. Before, it was always he wasn't going to leave and that this was his house. I felt so relieved when he said he was going to leave. I just want to seperate and show him how much I really do. I have thought about just sitting around watching t.v. and feeding the children when necessary, but not cleaning up anything and then just going to work when I have to just to show him how much I do, but then I thought that out and told myself I couldn't live in that. I feel like all I do is clean and take care of kids and I get no recognition at all for it. He says I don't respect him for all he does. If I didn't respect him, I wouldn't do everything for him. I just want him out so that he can see what all I do for him. He has never lived on his own, so it would be nice to see him take care of himself for a chance. Maybe then he'll see what I do for him. I'm sorry to let all this out. It has just been a rough day. I  know this isn't a marriage place, but your post just made me think about my life.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on August 02, 2007, 01:29:17 PM
Jazzgirl: I am so sorry for all the stress you are going through. Anyone who takes care of 5 children deserves a trophy whether you do any housework or not!  :o And having been a waitress, I also know that is no picnic either! ::) I wish there was something I could say to make things better, but I wanted to encourage you, and tell you that I care. Love, Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: AllysonD on August 02, 2007, 02:44:08 PM
Hi Coco. I just saw your post. I can also say that my parents are not handling the death of my brother very well. My dad chooses to ignore it and my mother is seeing a psychiatrist and on anti depressants. He died on 4-13 of this year, he was 26.

Its sad we all get to be members of this club, isnt it?
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on August 02, 2007, 04:40:49 PM
Coco: You have really been through a lot. How are you feeling physically at this point? I know that the fishing trip was bittersweet! So many memories of your brother, and how much you wish he could be there. I am so glad that you found us. Check out our Main Board as well. Wonderful people who understand on all our boards! Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: hummingbird on August 06, 2007, 03:45:43 PM
I can understand where your coming from it is hard when there is children involved, i split from my 7 yr marrage nearly a year go now, after giving up my job in jan 06 to look after my 2 children n husband after he broke his back, but when he was back on his feet he walked all over me treated me like abit of dirt and got violant. I have found it very hard to deal with the stress he is still causing me with when and when he can't see the children.
I have been away for aweek visiting my best friend of 24 yrs and have come back home as it is my brothers bithday tomorrow(1st one since he died) i'm not sure how i will handle it.I just taking each day as it comes.
I was told by my friends dad who lost his wife 3 yrs ago " when u wake up in the morning just think today is going to be better then yesterday". Take care to you all  love and peace
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on August 06, 2007, 04:11:09 PM
Hummingbird: I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and your memories of your brother. Hope that the day brings you some smiles, along with the tears. Many prayers! Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on August 13, 2007, 12:09:17 PM
Thanks for sharing your personnel stories and encouragement., it saddens me to think that others have experienced these kind of tragedies but I take comfort that I am not alone.    I am  happy to report I am five years past my initial breast cancer diagnosis and happy to report that I am doing well.  I have had 2 melanoma scares since then but have taken care of those.  It is amazing to me how some days I feel like I could cry all day over my brother and other days it feels better not great but better.  I still find it hard to admit that this happended to my family.  I lost my mother when she was 49 and my brother at 52, I can't believe how much tragedy we have endured as a family.  I feel proud that I married a wonderful man and have a good career but sometimes feel really down about the losses in my life. 
Any word else feel that way?
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: trumpetlove on August 13, 2007, 02:02:22 PM
I'm so sorry. Sibling loss is super hard, and I know how you feel. I lost my brother at age 8, so I can feel your pain. Although I'm sure you were probably closer with yours than I was mine. I'm thinking of you, and you can talk to me anytime.

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: kelly37 on August 16, 2007, 06:16:17 AM
I know what you mean by looking back at old photo albums & loosing the members of the family!  I have a wedding picture hanging up & it is my husband, my mom & dad, my brother & my sister ---- my dad & brother have since died.  It crushes me looking back at family gatherings & wondering what the heck happened!?!?!  Just so many times taken for granted, never once thinking that within 10 years I'd lose my brother, my grandpa & my dad---3 main men in my life! Yes now I have my husband & son as the men in my life but still it's just different!

My dad was very strong after the my brother's death or so it seemed to me.  I never really saw him cry---just at the funeral ever so quietly.  My mom was a wreck loosing her firstborn.  She cried for weeks after his death.  It took our family 5 years to "accept" my brother's death if I can say that---but then my dad dies & the pain resurfaces all over again!!!!  Now I watch my mom go through this alone.  She has no one to go home to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to hold her at night when she's sad----makes me sick. 

So now it is my sister, my mom, my sister-in-law & me.  We all have kids & they keep us busy; but to look around when we have a get together we know there's something missing!  We had a wonderful Christmas in 2005 w/my dad ( about 20 immediate family at my house) and now I wonder how long it will take until we celebrate like that again----I don't think we ever will.

I'm getting my brother's son today---the son he never saw----I enjoy taking him. He's 6 & full of energy!  So it helps to be around his family; it's all we have left of him!  Kelly
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on August 16, 2007, 07:59:29 AM
Thanks Kelly for sharing,

I have my dad and sister left and my husband and me.  We have no kids.  I have tried to remain in contact with my brothers children but my sister n law has been very difficult to deal with, she feels angry at the world for the loss of her husband and no one could ever do enough for her.  My brother was everything to my dad and he is very lost without him they both lived in Florida, now my dad who has remarried and not happy with her, ne struggles with lonliness and depression.  Very hard to hear.  He told me yesterday that I and my husband are his reason for hanging on.  Alot of pressure don't you thnik?  How do you comfort your mother?  How did your brother die?

Love to hear any suggestions for coping with depressed parents,


Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: kelly37 on August 16, 2007, 08:52:06 AM
My brother died instantly in a motorcycle accident at the ripe age of 37, just before his 38 b-day & a couple weeks before his son was born!!!  He was buried on the 4th of July 2001.  My dad & brother rode harley's together & more so in the last year of my brother's life.  Well my dad, after my brother's accident, proceeded to ride his harley w/my mom (against her will but she did it cuz dad loved it) & then they were in a motorcycle accident last July.  My dad passed away 18 days later.

My mom has since moved from their house of 36 years to a condo in my town to be closer to me & my family.  My sister lives 1 1/2 hrs away & my sister in law lives only 30 mins away so we are all fairly close in proximity. 

I just try to be here for my mom.  Let her talk.  We go for walks in a nearby park. I invite her everywhere w/me & my family.  She doesn't always accept but I at least want her to know she's always welcome.  I just hate the thought of her being alone in the house all the time.  I visit her frequently, call several times a day.  She has a big fat cat that is the king of her condo!!  So she does have some pet therapy!  To this day though the cat will hear a motorcycle roar, and his ears perk up looking for dad!  It's so cute but sad at the same time.

I'm sorry about your sister in law....that would be so hard!  I think the new baby, the new house they were building & family helped my sister in law deal with death differently.  She was angry at the world at the time but she had to be strong for the new baby & their 8 year old.  So we have a great relationship....thank God for that.  We have taken my nephew to the grave to visit his dad & grandpa---how sad!  But life does go on and we're in this together!

Stay there for your dad---he really needs you. I can imagine how hard it is for you to hear about his depression & loneliness but just listen & give support!  That's all we can do!
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on August 16, 2007, 11:19:26 AM
Kelly you seem to have a very postive attitude that helps everything.  It is good that you are close with your sister n law.  People should try to pull together for these times not break apart.

Thanks for your support,

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: kelly37 on August 16, 2007, 04:41:21 PM
Thanks.....I try to be as positive as I can in this place we call earth.   Obviously as we all know it's not easy all the time but gosh there is nothing I can do about it!  I often have to tell myself "my dad & brother are in a much better place than we are & sometimes I'm jealous".  Then I think, this is my one & only life so why not make the most out of it   ;)  That's my opinion when people are talking so negatively about their daily trauma in their lives---I wanna say please " you have your whole family; I've lost my dad & brother---what can you possibly be upset about?"   :)  So we have to make the most of it!!!  Hang in there!  Thanks for sharing!  Kelly   :)
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: AllysonD on August 19, 2007, 06:45:59 PM
Coco, I lost my brother also back in April. He was 26. My father chooses to deny it and kind of not think about it and my mother is depressed (although she has really been having some good days lately for which I am very grateful). But I know what you mean, it is hard to see someone you love in that dark place.

Lonnie told me once that we are not responsible for the mental health of our parents and thats true. You can try to cheer her up or talk to her or try to get her to talk with someone but you alone are not responsible. Your family has been thru so much.

I know how you feel about the pressure though. My parents have me, my husband and my one daughter. Thats it.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: sweetpea on August 21, 2007, 02:01:58 PM
Dear CoCo, I just had services for my brother, so I do know what kind of pain you feel. Let me extend my prayers to you and your family, to help you get through these dark times. I have dealt with death, in my family I have lost my father, my sister, and now my brother. It is now only  my baby sister, Mother, and myself remaining. I am the eldest of the siblings. I will not tell you to get over it, everyone deals with their loss in their own way, my sister passed in 93, and to this day I still cry when I hear certain songs. We song in a group together, we were 2 years apart. and we had sung together since we were 8 & 10 years old. I still miss her so much!!! what gets me through each day, is I know that she did not belong to me, she was on "loan" to me and my family and I feel so blessed  that time we shared was so meaningful to me, and I feel that I am a better person for knowing her and my brother and father. You should feel the same way about your sibling. When you see the sun come up every morning think of your sibling, when you see the flowers bloom in the spring, think of your loved one, when you hear the birds sing in the spring think of your loved one and when you see the sun setting in the evening, know this ....that tommorrow will be a better day..... :D Sweetpea
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: sweetpea on August 21, 2007, 02:07:39 PM
Dear CoCo

the reply that I  sent, the part stating your husband was mis treating you, I am so sorry I meant to write that part for Hummimgbird Please except my apologies!!!!!! Sweetpea
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on August 21, 2007, 03:54:59 PM
Sweetpea: If you want to add to or delete from your post, just go to it, and click on "modify" at the top right side. You can add the person's name you were referring to, or change anything you want.   :) Just be sure you hit "Save" at the bottom of your corrected post. Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: sweetpea on August 21, 2007, 10:40:55 PM
Lonnie thanks again for your help,  my making such a terrible mistake !!!!! I didn't realize what I had done until I went back to read the other postings!!   I hope CoCo accepts my appologies     luv....Sweetpea :)
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: sweetpea on August 21, 2007, 10:47:50 PM
My apologies to you also Jazzgirl, on the statements I made .

I was trying to give advice to hummimgbird, but instead I insulted you and Coco. Please forgive me. iT won't happen again. We all have enough on our plates without added heartache.
Your sister, anytime you need someone to talk or just listen.

 :) Sweetpea
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on August 29, 2007, 11:15:11 AM
Thank everyone for your support.  This weekend marks the end of summer
although I am relieved to get into some cooler weather the change make me sad for a think about the Jewish Holidays and how my brother used to love to go to temple and make a nice family dinner.  I am somewhat set for I have my husband up here and we will go to my friends for dinner.  But I just spoke to my dad who said I am not sure what I am doing for the holidays your brother used to make such a nice meal.  It saddens me deeply and I am wondering if anyone else has any advice on how to get through the holidays when everything has changed.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: kelly37 on September 01, 2007, 09:12:20 AM
I've been really sad these last few days & I blame it on the change of weather/seasons!  Today is a beautiful day here in OH & the bikers are out in full force (either for a poker run or just the "end of Summer" ride)....no matter what the reason seeing all these bikes & hearing the roar, makes my gut turn!  It always brings to mind that my brother & dad would be out biking today.  And w/the holidays coming up just breaks my heart!  So do I have any advice on getting through the holidays??  Hhhmmm---I'll share w/you my story   :)

When my brother died in 6/01, those first holidays following were very hard on the entire family! I remember the pain in my dad & mom's eyes.  The pictures to look back on make me sad to look at.  However, life does go on &  the following holidays got a little easier.  Christmas 05 was the first back to normalcy holiday we had since my brother had died.  It was a weird Christmas; just a glorious time w/the entire family.  The smile on my dad's face in those pictures break my heart (that was his last Christmas w/us). He was saluding w/my sister's father in law from Columbia who also died this past year!  Coincidence of loosing both those men last year???  I think so. 

So Christmas 06 my sister thought we should  all "get away"---boy was that the worst thing we could've done!!! What's right for some people isn't always right for others.  We all grieve differently.

Her family, my mom & my family went to Florida for 1 1/2 wks & it was just not right feeling.  My dad wouldn't have wanted that. He loved Christmas & loved playing Santa & he loved getting gifts himself (as long as it was for his Harley or his team-Steelers) so being away from home was not enjoyable.  I didn't feel him w/us.  Even though I got to spend time w/his brother who lives there, it hurt & made it worse.

So this Christmas I'm going to make it a beautiful time here in my home.  Last year I didn't decorate much & my kids were hurt by that---now I see that. So I promised them a wonderful time this year at home where Grandpa & Keith will be w/us!!!  That's what my dad & brother would want!!! 

As painful as the holidays are w/o our loved ones, we do get through them! I just have to remind myself how they used to be w/laughter & try to carry it on.....It's tough.   I'd love to hear ideas myself from others.....Kelly
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on September 20, 2007, 11:32:56 AM
Just wanted to write and get a few things written down.  The Jewish Holidays are half way over and I am so thanksfu.  I was dreading these days for months, because last year without my brother was awful we all felt so displaced.  This year is definately easier, my whole family has all struggled to find a new way to spend the holidays.  Part of me still feels so angry at g-d for taking my mother and brother so young. Why?  Why were they denied the change to grow old?????  The other part of me is so grateful for what I have, finally at 43 I have a good stable life.  I find myself being often like a roller coaster with emotions towards my brother.  Somedays I am at piece with it and others days I am in complete disbelieve and still believe I can call him and chat.  I am owndering if others feel the same way going through the grief process?

Love to hear your views,

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on September 20, 2007, 07:41:13 PM
Coco: I surely do, and it's been 2 years since the unexpected death of my dad. The intense feelings of grief still come and go. Sometimes I miss him so much, my heart aches. Other days are better. It's almost like a bad dream you can't wake up from, isn't it? A new reality that doesn't fit. And we have to keep on living, and it is so hard. I am glad that your life is in a stable, good place now. Love those nearest and dearest to you, and always let them know how much they mean to you. Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on October 02, 2007, 11:10:54 AM
Its amazing how the death of a loved makes you feel as if there is such a big void in our lives.  I guess it is worse for my brother was the linch pin that kept my family together.  Since his death I have barely had much contact with his wife and two children I have reached out with no return calls.  When I did speak to my sister n law she often has said nasty things.

My whole life I wasencouraged to believe your family will stand by and your family is everything in the meanwhile the last year the whole group including my sister and been in their own worlds.  Thank g-d I have a husband that understands.  Loss creates such an unberable emptiness at times.  I am wondering what others do you to cope.  I want to believe g-d is on my side but some days I am so angry.

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on October 03, 2007, 02:53:49 PM
Coco: I really believe that this board helped me so very much. No matter how I felt-angry-scared-depressed-fearful, etc., I wrote it all down, and someone was always here to give me support and encouragement, or to just listen. Listening is so helpful. We just need to be able to express our feelings to someone who really understands. That is so healing, isn't it? Just to have someone say, "I know what you're feeling." Don't give up, the journey is difficult, but God is faithful, and things will improve in time. Many prayers and thoughts of you, Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on November 05, 2007, 11:58:00 AM
Hello everyone, today's would of been my brother's 54 birthday.  We are exactly 10 years apart.  I look at his pictures and cannot believe how young he looks.  How could he of died?  I work in a place that makes medical devices for seniors so they can life independently.  I can't help but think why was he denied the opportunity to get old.  My family has really broken apart since his death.  His wife and I barely speak and my nephews never call me back.  It makes the loss so much greater but honestly my sister n law would of never been chosen as my friend and she has said very hurtful things about my family to me.  Instead of being grateful for all that we have done she resents us for not doing more.  My poor dad he is 78 and his lost his wife 30 years ago and now his son.  He is re-married but his wife his not very supportive.

Anyone out there feel like their parents lifeline?????

Would love to hear how your cope.


Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on November 05, 2007, 03:01:56 PM
Coco: Thinking of you and your brother today, on his birthday. It just seems so unfair, doesn't it? I am caring for my 77 year old mom, and it is overwhelming at times. She still lives independently, but has many health problems. I have learned to not take on so much stress, and to try and be thankful for everyday that she lives. I try to get her out, so she can walk with the aid of a shopping cart in the stores. We eat together often, and sometimes watch tv. It is very sad when they have lost their spouse, and in the case of your dad, a son as well. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children, and it hurts them so much to lose a child. Hang in there, and just keep doing the best you can. You are a wonderful daughter, and I can tell by your words, a wonderful sister. Many hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: bean on November 20, 2007, 05:47:46 PM
I too have lost my only sibling, my brother and he was older then me.  It will be 6 years on New Year's Day- the holiday's are approachig and i am dreading it beyond words.  I hate saying what my family has becaome- my parents- its so different.  So pathetically sad.  My heart breaks for them- and it also breaks for myself- all the things I won't have any longer.  We were incredibly close and this pain doesn't go away.  This is the first time since his death that I ever have looked for any kind of web-site or people with similar backgrounds.  I alway's feel so alone.  Everyone I know has their siblings and noone understands or can relate to me.  I just turned 32, my brother was 33 when he passed- it's eerie because I'm catching up to him.... it would be so nice to hear from people who have even an inkling of what this is like....   
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Jeanneb on November 21, 2007, 01:53:44 PM

Hi, I usually post on the child loss board but stop in every now and then.  I have lost a brother and my youngest son.

I lost my (older) brother 10 years and 5 months ago today.  Now I'm older than he was when he passed.  I lost my youngest child at age 17, 4 years and 4 months ago today.  They both died on the 21st of the month.  My mom now lives with loosing her son and grandson.

We all handle loss so differently.  For my mom she rarely talked of my brother and now I realize why she was so angry and what seemed to be so hateful.  I can still remember the day my brother died and the look in my mom's face...I now realize what my own children must have seen in me.

Can you talk with your mom about your brother?  My mom is just now talkative about my brother...the last couple of years I've gotten her to talk about him, about Philip...we laugh...we cry...but most of all I realize how much I need to talk of my son and when I am open she opens up. 

I know as a daughter I was so afraid that I would hurt her in some way talking of my brother but as a mom I now know that that is all we want to hear.  We want to hear our child's name, we want to hear the stories, we don't want them to be forgotten.  Also we had to make changes, we had to do things different in regard to holidays and we had to learn to give space, don't take things personally (very hard to do at times).  Most of all your mom is scared...when you loose a child you realize real quick that you have no control over what happens...these sort of things always happen to other people...not you.

It helps me also as a mom to read how other siblings feel, I don't want to put any more pressure on my kids than necessary but I also know that they worry about me very much.  I hope you continue to post, it really does help.

Hold on tight,
Philip's mom
Bruce's sister
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on November 21, 2007, 02:30:33 PM
((((((((((((((((((((((((Jeanne))))))))))))))))))))))) I appreciate so much that wonderful response you gave Bean. It helps so much when those who have been through some of these things, can offer understanding and advice. Thank you again. You expressed it all so beautifully.  :)  Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: bean on November 26, 2007, 08:36:12 PM
Philip's mom-
Bruce's little sister-
First of all thank you so much for your kind and helpful words.  Secondly, I am so very, very sorry for your losses.
Yes, all my mom wants to do is talk about  my borhter day and night- which is fine with me-
Often times she tends to compare everyone to him-
she is angry that "other" people go through nothing and have no clue
what loss is and we have had so much pain- she lost both her parents in her late 20's
and have taken care of her sisters- the woman is definitely going to heaven!
but seriously, I wish their was something i can do to help her.
all of us (me mom and dad) have so much pain and sucha void in our lives it is so
difficult- and she really puts me on a pedestal- like my husband is not good enough-
never will be- and that creates a lot of strain for me as well...
thinking of you, bean
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on November 28, 2007, 07:37:08 AM
Hi Everyone,

Hope everyone hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!  I was with my husbands family and it is not the same as being with my own.  The holdays are so hard sometimes I think they are more pain than joy.  My brother always made a big deal of Christmas he used to have a huge part Christmas eve to invite anyone that did not have a place to go.  Even though he lived in Florida and we live in Ma I always had such wonderful thoughts of him on Christmas eve.  I had my dad here for a few days last week he often speaks about my brother with no such kind words he likes to talk about all the mistakes he made in his life.  It is hard to hear I want to think of all the good things.  This year we will celebrate my father n law's 80th birthday it saddens me that my beautiful brother lost his life at 52 boy there is so much he will miss.

How are others getting through the holidays?

Let me know,

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on November 29, 2007, 02:50:24 PM
Hey Coco,

We are scrambling thru the holidays too trying to find a new tradition. We had Thanksgiving at my house this year and we had both my parents and my husbands mom and step-dad.  My dad and his mom and step dad talked politics the entire dinner while my husband and his brother added there 2 sense here and there. My mom and I just sat at the end of the table looking at each other wandering if they were ever going to stop. I said " is this our new tradition?"  I'll take it though because it was nice to see his family and mine interacting (even if we did have to listen to politics :( ::)).
My brother always liked decorating for Christmas. The last Christmas he was with us, I think he had more blow ups and candy canes then he did yard. He said he was trying to keep up with the Jones'.
My dad is angry at my brother too for choosing the women in life that he did to have children by.  He just has such a hard time dealing with them. He always talks about how Jason would just jump into things without thinking until after the fact.  That's just how he was though. I tell him though that at least we can look back at his life and say he had a good life even if we was only 32 when he died. He made sure to do whatever it took to enjoy life and when it got to be too much, he left. Once again, jumping into a decision and thinking about it later, except this last one was unfixable.
These holidays are tough, but we will get thru them and we will be even stronger. Good luck.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on November 30, 2007, 08:19:54 AM
Thanks Jazz Girl for getting back to me. It sounds like you are trying to focus on the positive things with you brother much better route to go. My brother was married three times each one worse than the other.  My father loves to talk about all the mistakes my brother made in his life.  Two years ago at the this time my brother started fading away before us.  I remember 2 years ago this month laying on lap watching a movie and how lucky I felt to have him.  After this trip I went down two more times it was hard to believe how it went from sitting on the coach conversing a little to sitting in a wheel chair with his head slumped down.  My big loud larger than life vivacious brother reduced to this.  The vision often huants me
I remember the last time I saw him alive he was in his hospital bed I fed him ice cream and patted his head and he took his hand and rubbed my arm.
I think he knew how I loved him I also told him that he was the best brother any one could of ever wanted.  It is 1 1/2 years since he is gone and everyone I wake up I have to remind myself that it is for real not just a horrific bad dream.

Did any one else who had loved one's realate to me watching them fade away before their eyes?
Love to hear how you cope with this vision.

Have a good weekend,

Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on December 02, 2007, 01:47:32 AM
Sorry Coco, I didn't watch him fade away. I did watch is fun adventorous ways turn into working and side jobs and house chores and no time for fun except when he would choose to go to the parks (Bush Gardens or the zoo). We live in florida so those are like our vacations. He would get the motels inside the parks at Disney too. Bush Gardens was his favorite, but things weren't the same when he went with his wife. We have picures of their last few visits and you can just see the unhappiness in his eyes. The last few family pictures were like that. I will never forget the sadness in his eyes the last time I saw him. I was visiting my parents 2 hours away for the weekend and as we were leaving, he was sitting on the couch. He had come over with his baby son because his wife would kick them out of the house because she needed to sleep because she worked. He just looked so sad. The very last picture we have of Jason was him dancing with my dog. Who would have thought my dog would have gotten the last dance.  ??? ::) All I know is where he is at now, he is no longer in pain. I just hate the fact that he has put it on his oldest son now. I don't know if his oldest son is going to ever forgive him. I just hope one day he can look at it differently. It breaks my heart that they are wanting to put Tyler on depression medicine. He is only 10. All I can do is pray. 
Either way, watching them fade away slowly, or getting that heart dropping phone call out of nowhere, it still sucks and we still miss them.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Coco on December 12, 2007, 12:46:47 PM
Hi everyone, I hope as the holidays get closer you are all doing okay.  This
is such a wierd time of year.  We are Jewish but my brother used to hold a christmas party for around 50 people who did have a place to go in Florida
where he lived.
I attended my many years and the years I was not there I was always sad that I was missing it.  My husband and I live in boston and will have my father n law in for the holiday but it saddens me to know that everyone is scrambling down in Florida trying to figure out how to continue to celebrate Christmas even though everything has changed.  Although I have read many of your stories and some of lost children and siblings younger than mine (52) I still feel sick to my stomach that he was denied so many years of living.  It has been almost 1 1/2 years now and I still don't believe it is true.  I have been going to a bereavement support group once a week which I have found tremdousely comforting.  All of us in the room have something in common and although it has just been a few weeks I really very connected these people.
I would love to hear how other cope with the anger and rage towards losing a young sibling.  It is hard to see how everyone is making plans with their families around me and mine is at such a loss.

Thanks for listening,
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: jazzgirl on December 13, 2007, 05:26:01 AM
Hey Coco, I just am wanting my Christmas holidays to be peaceful. I just heard a Wal Mart commercial that said you can never have too much family for the holidays. Well I beg to differ ::).  I know what you mean about feeling like your brother missed out on so many years. I feel that way too. My brother was only 32 and my heart aches to know I am going to be spending many years without him.  One thing that keeps me going is knowing that during those 32 years, he lived his life to the fullest. When he killed himself, he obviously felt like there was no way out for happiness. The more I deal with his wives, I don't blame him. They would drive me to death too. I think he was right. There wouldn't have been happiness anymore for him.  I just hate that his kids are affected by this, but honestly, he didn't have a say much with his kids anyway. I tell my parents by him looking down on them, he can be more of a father to them. Those woman can't stop him up there.
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: chel on December 17, 2007, 09:54:55 PM
I love my brother too.  He passed unexpectedly in May at the age of 50.  They still have not finalized his death certificate.  Had some sort of rare genetic disease.  My brother was my best friend.  We were both artists and, of course, no one understood us.  My brother was a child prodigy in pen and inks and a studio musician among other gifts.  Was a vision of health...very handsome, youthful, athlethic.   None of the doctors would sign his death certificate because they said he should not have passed. 

This reminded me of a time, perhaps 25 years ago when we had a meeting with the Dalai Lama who remarked that my brother had several "gifts" he went on to say that in Tibet/India they "lower" the energy of people like him when they are children so they do not "burn through" this life. They teach the children how to use their energy or gifts, then gradually increase them.  He remarked that my brother somehow did the same thing naturally by using his many gifts as outlets.  He also spoke of a tendency of  these people...that when they are finished with their lifes work they leave.  Die suddenly...an accident, heart failure, etc.  He was very matter of fact and on a philosophical level I think that's what happened to my brother.

On a personal level, I miss the very human heart connection that we had; however, I must admit I still feel our connection.  I think I always will.

I have spent the past 7 months "being there" for my parents.  As a parent myself I just cannot wrap my head around this type of loss, I can only imagine... 

I'm now at the point where I'm actively trying to deal with my own grief. My way is to embrace it.  I stumbled upon this site tonight and wanted to share my thoughts.

Blessings All
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Jeanneb on December 18, 2007, 11:45:32 AM

I am so very sorry the loss of your brother.  What a wonderful experience to meet the Dalai Lama and to have him speak with you.  His words are so profound.

Your brother sounds like a wonderful talented person...it is such a tragedy.  I am so glad that you found the board and hope that you will keep coming back.  It is nice that you are trying to "be there" for your parents but you can only do so much.  I say this as a sister who lost her brother and as a mother who lost her youngest son.

We each have our own journey and our own way learning how to walk this journey.  No right or wrong way just our own way. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss,
Philip's mom
Bruce's sister
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: Lonnie on December 19, 2007, 06:42:10 AM
Chel: Thank you for sharing your talented and gifted brother with us. Come by any time and talk it all out, and join us on the Main Board sometime also. Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Love my brother
Post by: meemaw on December 19, 2007, 06:06:44 PM
Coco,  I think I can relate a lot to what you are going through.  I am probably a lot older than you are. I lost my first brother in April of 1987 a couple of weeks before his 34  B-day. I was 10 years older than he was. Major heart attack took him.  My second brother,  the youngest one, killed himself. Put a plastic bag over his head, he was 36. I'm 13 years older than him. He had been diagnosed with a mental illness. I don't know how to spell it so I can't write it down.   In 1994 I diagnosed with breast cancer. That sure scared me.  I've been fine since.  My mother died of cancer in 1995. Then my father had cancer. Then in 2005 my husband had surgery for kidney cancer. He died in 2006, it had moved to his lungs. It takes a lot to get through it all. In time I guess you begin to think of the good things instead of bad ones.  I'm still trying to work on the husband lost.     I wish there had   been something like this when he died., I didn't have a computer then,  also MAK found this after losing her husband suddenly.                    Meemaw