Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: middle sis on July 09, 2007, 05:31:30 PM

Title: couldn't sleep
Post by: middle sis on July 09, 2007, 05:31:30 PM
OK here goes, I wrote this and deleted it and wrote it again. I always seem to do that but never actually post....so here goes.  I had trouble sleeping last night and thought that maybe if I put my feelings down in writing it might help. I had my nephew stay with me this weekend. My brother (his dad) died when he was 11 mo old. He is now 9 1/2 yrs old. Anyhow, while he was with me, I heard hiim refer to 'his dad this and his dad that'. Well he isn't speaking of my brother. He is speaking of his moms current boyfriend. It hurts alot to hear him refer to him as "his dad"  Does he even know who his "dad" is. Granted he was just a baby when he passed, but I don't feel his mom shares this with him. And I know it bothers him to hear us talk about my brother. I even try to take him to the cemetary at least once a year, but he doesn't want to go. I try to think thats great, he has someone he feels he can call dad. But does he really? Or is he just told to call this man dad? If you ask me, he doesn't seem like a happy child, he seems like a scared child.I am so torn. Should I be happy? Should I be hurt? I just don't know. Not looking for validation, because if I am wrong let me know. I tried talking about this to my husband and all I felt I got was "uh huh's" and nods as if he really wasn't taking in and understanding what I was saying. Enough rambling on my part. Just needed to put this on paper and hope it lands on ears willing to listen. Thank you
Middle sis
Title: Re: couldn't sleep
Post by: Sad Eyes on July 10, 2007, 05:08:04 AM
Hi Middlesis, 

I can understand why you are feeling upset about your nephew calling someone other than you brother dad.  It's not that you want to deny him a father figure, it's the fact that other people can "move on", (so to speak) from your brothers death, while you continue to struggle with your grief.   I'm sure you might feel a little bit better about the situation if the guy was actually your nephews stepfather, not just a boyfriend.  It's great that you get to be a part of your nephews life, so many times the mothers move on and leave the other side of the family behind.

Glad to see you post again, I have been wondering what had happend to you.  Take care!
Title: Re: couldn't sleep
Post by: jazzgirl on July 11, 2007, 01:02:34 PM
Hey. I lost my brother last year also and his youngest was just a baby too.  His wife remarried 5 months after my brother died and she has a new baby by this guy. The last time I was in town, I stopped over her house, which was her and my brothers house, and now it is her and her new husbands house. My nephew, who is 2 now, is calling him daddy also. It is hard to watch. I know she still tells him who his daddy is, but he just doesn't understand. We've pointed at pics with him to see if he knows who that is and he says it's daddy. He is just way to young to understand it. I know in my heart that I am glad he has someone to call daddy. It still hurts though no matter how you look at it. I just hope when he is older, he will want to know more about his daddy's family and will come find out who we are. I would like for us to stay in contact, but everything is just still to awkward and I don't know how it will all play out.

Just know that if he doesn't understand now, he will later. We just have to be patient. It's very hard though. Trust me, you will see in my post here that I have had plenty of difficulties with that.  Good luck with all that.
Title: Re: couldn't sleep
Post by: middle sis on July 11, 2007, 08:06:44 PM
Thanks Jazzgirl and Sadeyes! I did sleep better that night after writing things down. I think it was just an emotional weekend having him here. Don't get me wrong, I love the little guy to pieces. But sometimes its just pure saddness knowing he will never know his father and that just seems so unfair. Anyhow, your words of understanding, helped me realize that what I was feeling was normal. I said it myself. I was happy yet sad at the same time. Hope you two are doing well.

Sad eyes, I know I've been away for a while, but I was never really gone. I come read almost daily. I just don't have the energy to post all the time. I know I am hard on myself, but somedays, I just tell myself...... "Come on, its been almost nine years, you should have something positive to say, or be able to help someone else......not just post your own boo hoo's". I hate to sound so negative all the time.
So I just don't post. I'm gonna have to try and make that my goal. Try and come here and post my good days.

Later, Take Care
Middle sis