Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Wadesmom on July 03, 2007, 06:06:34 PM

Title: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 03, 2007, 06:06:34 PM
(I wrote this 2 weeks ago because I wanted to share more about my son with you but for a variety of reasons I could not post it.  The "reasons"  are ones you are all familiar with,,,,,,,,,,today we are finishing up with harvest and I felt it was time for me to tell you a little bit about my son, Wade.)

We started cutting wheat yesterday.  Wade always welcomed and enjoyed wheat harvest, he'd help his dad and the others grease up the combine and tractor, check the fuel and oil in the machinery and also in the wheat trucks.  He'd load up his mini 6 pak cooler with juice boxes, Mountain dew, and sports drinks, (his favorite was Gatorade- cool blue or grape) He'd check his 1/2 gallon water jug to make sure it was full of water and ice, then he'd pat his leg on the right side to make sure his cell was in his jeans pocket, and if his cell phone was in his pocket then he was good to go.

Wade dervived a lot of satisfaction from driving the 9100 John Deere tractor and grain cart, he also took pride in being able to unload on the go, running the combine when needed, hauling wheat and he even enjoyed meals in the field.  He would call me at home on the FM radio or his cell phone while he was working and ask how long it would be before the next meal came out, or he would notify me when he was hungry in between meal time.  (Meaning that it was time for mom to bring him something to eat in the field.)  I indulged him frequently with numerous snacks and drinks, Wade was appreciative of each trip I made to the field, at his request.  He was gentle and kind to me and on occassion he would pick a handful of wildflowers (or bindweed flowers- which are white)  and put them in my hair by my ear.  This was Wade's own special way of thanking me and he also did this because he just liked to see me smile.

Wade was fond of eating his dinner/supper out in the field during harvest time usually seated in a lawn chair, on the tail gate of a truck, perched on a tractor tire or on a tractor step.  His meals in the field usually consisted of hot pockets, sandwiches, or hamburgers, chips, several Hostess or Little Debbie snacks, or candy bars and any home made desserts that I had recently made.  Wade would chew on the raw carrots that I packed for his meal but when he grew tired of them  and with his eyes locked on me, he would allow the carrots to to fall back out of his mouth to the ground.  He also did this with other fresh veggies or fruits, just for moms amusement and to get a reaction out of me.  After consuming HIS meal, he would sift through his dads uneaten meal that was still waiting to be delivered, to see if there was anything in it that he'd like to chow down on.  I would regularly inform Wade that this was his dads dinner/supper and remind him that he had already eaten.  Wade would comment that he was just checking to see if his dad and him got the same meal today and that he really wasn't going to take anything out of it UNLESS he was still feeling hungry.  "Besides" he'd say with a playful smile, "dad won't know what's missing because he doesn't know what you packed him."  Last year I learned quickly that Wade could easily consume 3-4 sandwiches, hot pockets or cheese burgers at one setting along with the other items mentioned, yet he still got a kick out of sifting through his dads meal, just so see if there was anything interesting in it.  He was mishievous and energetic which definitely kept me on my toes.  He owned a smile and wore it daily, which in turn made others smile easily whenever they were in his presence. 

Wade had a contagious positive attitude and was pumped with energy.  When I would enter a field and if he had some slack time, he would slither like a snake on the ground towards me through  the wheat stubble, which always made me laugh.  He was full of adventure and loaded with entertainment. 

Wade had the natural ability to make any type of job amusing regardless of the task at hand.  There was never a lax moment.  He'd have you smiling within seconds and laughing within minutes with his one man variety shows and his "off the cuff" comments. 

Yesterday we started cutting wheat.  Something that "once upon a time" we looked forward to with anticipation and something we always did together.  We miss our son, we think of him all the time.  We realize that we were fortunate to have Wade for 15 years, yet as his parents we'll never comprehend or understand why our sons life on earth was only 15 brief years.

Last night while exiting the field to bring a loaded truck of wheat home for the evening an overwhelming sensation of my son's absence consumed me.  Listening to the hum of the combine in the distance and smelling the scent of fresh chopped straw instantly made all the harvests of the pasts flash before my eyes.  Taking Wade to the field with me when he was a toddler & making sure that he had his John Deere toy implements (1/16" scale) in the cab of the truck with us, so he could cut wheat "just like his dad."  The kids numerous attempts of making gum out of wheat, by figuring out the exact amount of wheat needed in order to turn it into gum consistency.  Blankets thrown out on the ground for the kids to eat their meals and play on.  Recollecting when WAde first started driving the tractor and graincart, watching him sit proudly in the drivers seat of the combine with his dad seated by his side guiding and assisting him along the way.  Giving me a big thumbs up from the cab of the combine when he successfully unloaded a load of wheat from the grain bin of the combine to the truck.  All of these spectacular memories quickly led to the present.  we're harvesting WITHOUT Wade and none of this is right, Wade loved harvest time, Wade should be here, My heart is broken and scattered across the acres, my short 2 miles drive home is driven in a blur and the past 10 months on earth without my son feels like an eternity.

 We miss Wade's daily presence, we miss his exuberance, his funny one liners, his ability to make the most of every minute of each day, his curiosity, his sense of adventure and his humor.  Everything is different. Nothing is familiar.

Always on my mind and forever in my heart. 

Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Jeanneb on July 03, 2007, 06:29:41 PM
You write so warmly about your Wade.  I could just picture him in my mind and it brought such a smile to my face.  For that I thank you.  Thank you for vividly painting a picture of your precious son.  It gave me a moment of relfection of my own son and how he could turn a frown into a smile with the twinkle in his eye and that big ole grin.

I know how much you miss him and the empty place that is left.  I hope that you keep writing and maybe even put your writing into a notebook to save.  Journaling has helped so many and it would be lovely for future generations to read.

Holding you close to my heart,
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: MelissaCharliesMom on July 03, 2007, 09:32:12 PM
I havent been able to post much as of late. (We just passed the 3 year mark and it has been extremely difficult for me lately)
I do however read everyday and I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading your post. I of course am heartbroken for myou as I am for myself and everyone else here. We miss them so intensely, with every ounce of our being and it is impossible to comprehend life without them here. It is unfair...all of it. It will never be ok, it will never be "right" and life will never be "normal" again.
I am sorry that you have reason to be here and yet I am surely gald that you have found us all. Sending strength and peace to you on this journey.
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Lonnie on July 03, 2007, 10:41:23 PM
Wadesmom: What a beautiful picture you painted of your son, Wade. I also felt that I could see it all just like a movie. What a hoot he was, spitting out carrots and slithering like a snake to tease you. Boys are  their own breed, aren't they? Your writing sounded like a "Little House on the Prarie" or a "Walton's" episode. It was so wonderfully expressive and vivid-straight from a mom's heart. You also had me in tears as you talked about taking him lunch, and Wade picking a flower and putting it in your hair.  Such a tender scene. What a wonderful relationship you had with your son. And then to hear the sounds of the tractor, and to smell the fields, and get back into that routine without him is totally heartbreaking. I just wanted to thank you for introducing us to your son, in a way that I will never forget. Hugs-Lonnie (Main Board)
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: lwuest on July 03, 2007, 11:50:35 PM

I'm so very tired tonight as this is the first birthday (his birthday was July 3rd) I have spent without my son.  He died in a car accident on 2/12/07.  He was 33 but he was still my baby.

My attention span is very short but I was compelled to read about your son.  I don't know the circumstances about his death, or when he died, but I loved your story about him.   Someone else mentioned about chewing up the carrots and then showing the remains before he swallowed them.  It made me laugh because it's such a boy thing.  They do love to gross their Mom's out, dont' they. 

I also loved to hear about the John Deere tractors and being in the fields.  I could feel it and smell it from your story.  A couple of years ago my sister lost her five year old grandson.  That little guy knew every John Deere implement that was ever made.  His funeral procession was led by some great big John Deere tractor and all along the way there were farmers who paused in the fields to give a salute to Drake.

Thank you for sharing your story about your son.  I hope Wade finds Stevie B, Mel, Drake and Chuck.  I'd like to think they are running through the fields of wheat.

Stevie B's Mom, aunt of Mel and Drake, cousin of Chuck
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on July 04, 2007, 05:30:29 AM
Thank you for sharing your Wade with us. Your memories are so beautiful but I know how much they can hurt.

This journey of grief is like no other I am approaching 22 months since Tammie died and I still walk around in disbelief.

HUGS to you,
Dottie Tammie's Mom
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Donnys Dad on July 04, 2007, 07:32:18 AM
To Wade's Mom,

What beautiful memories.  Your writing brought tears to my eyes as I know how all those memories can hurt right now.  They say in time we will smile at them, oh how I hope. 

You were so fortunate to have such a wonderful caring, hard working son.

My heart goes out to you and your husband on such a horrible loss. 
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Katie--Adam's Mom on July 04, 2007, 01:20:20 PM
What a beautiful tribute to your wonderful son Wade.  Thank you so much for sharing him with us and for sharing your sweet memories. 

Love and hugs,
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: lainie on July 04, 2007, 01:43:08 PM
Just like everyone else has already said, Thank you for sharing your beautiful and funny memories about Wade.  It was just the 6 month mark for me yesterday and I am increasingly more miserable and sad I think.  I know we all have our good memories, though.  Thanks again,
Elaine (Brynn's mom)
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 04, 2007, 04:28:12 PM
Thank you for the warm responses- I have gained so much comfort and support from all of you and I am grateful.

Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Karen Paul on July 05, 2007, 06:10:14 AM

Your stories of Wade have touched me deeply.. what a wonderful relationship you two have.. it sounds very special indeed. I did not grow up on a farm, but have had horses with my mom since i was 9 yrs old.. and your description of harvest and the smells and work associated with it bring me back to my childhood... and all the smells and joy and love..

You brought tears and smiles all at once to my face.. and for that I thank you.. and for sharing your sweet Wade with us.. what a gift..

love and hugs to you,
Chris aunt

here's a pic of Chris with my mom when he was little
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 05, 2007, 07:40:36 AM
Jeanne, I'm so glad that you were able to picture my son in your mind, b/c I have tried numerous times to submit a photo of my son - from harvest of last year, but it is rejected each time saying that the file is full,  I'm sure it's just something I'm doing wrong- hopefully I'll be productive & get a photo of Wade posted sometime soon.
I'm glad your son was also capable of turing a frown into a smile easily- it's something we'll always treasure and value isn't it.

Judy, Dougie's Mom & MelissaCharliesMom,

My heart aches for your loss also, I'm  sorry that we are all here, yet I'm so very glad that I found you guys.  Thank you for your support, strength and hugs.

yes- boys are their own breed, I  took a lot of digital photos and video footage of my kids while they were growing up-and I especially got fixated on getting tons of footage of Wade and everything he did, (sports, activities, when his friends were over)  My girls  often joked about how much attention that I gave him- yet I was the baby in my family of 4 girls, and I remember how parents tend to get busy and dont' take as many photos  of the younger ones as they did with the older ones-  so I went overboard with my youngest, and I'm so very glad that I did. 
  I have video footage of Wade slithering through the straw coming towards me- with just his head peaking up every so often, then he would slither closer and again peak his head up,,,,,,,,,,,I can not view it at this time, but I am thankful that I have this and all the other video's and pictures of Wade.  Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 05, 2007, 08:16:52 AM
Birthdays are especially tough, my thoughts are with you and I am sorry for your loss.  I understand why your attention span is short and why it is difficult to read anything that is very long,  My son was also killed in a car accident, 8/15/06 and I am still stunned, numb and shocked  that my baby is  gone from this earth, I've read /heard that these thoughts/feelings are common  for us during the first year, and then the reality of what has occured  in our lives starts to set in during the second year or later. I still try to take things one day at a time, minute to minute sometimes b/c otherwise it is just too painful and difficult to handle.  There are so many things that we miss about our boys and from what I've read on this website- we will always continue to miss our boys and what we did with them, I realize that each individual is different and has their own coping skills, but I guess we start to  learn, over time, how to live with our pain, sorrow and grief.  Which sounds turbulent, unsettling and hard to understand right now.
I am sorry that your sister has suffered the  loss of a child also.  Thank you for sharing the story with me about your nephews funeral procession, I knew exactly what you meant when you said that Drake knew about every JD implement that was ever made. Wade was the same way at that tender age.
 On Wade's memorial stone- we were searching for a masculine border of some type, and we did not want swirls, flowers or anything along that line, so the border is  tractor tire prints (like tires make in the mud, dirt or snow) on one part of his memorial stone. 
Yes-boys DO enjoy grossing their moms out,,,,,,and it made ME smile to read this in YOUR  response.
Take care of yourself.

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)- You are so right , the Memories of our kids are beautiful but so very painful too.  Thank you for the hugs-
sending you hugs

Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Dena on July 05, 2007, 03:25:50 PM
Wade sounds like such a wonderful young man!  Thank you for sharing him!  There are those times when we are so acutely aware that they are no longer here and it hurts.  But then there are the times when we can have those memories that bring smiles and we are so thankful for those!

Dena, Josh's Mom
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: John-Danielle Marie's Daddy on July 06, 2007, 07:25:19 AM
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story about your son, Wade. I can also picture the peaceful day and your hard working son on his tractor in the fields.
It is amazing how the "PERFECT" memories of our children mean so much to us after they are gone from our lives.
I hope that you continue to share stories of your incredible, loving and loyal son.

Thinking of you and Wade,
Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 06, 2007, 08:48:37 AM
Donnys Dad,
The Memories do hurt- yet I'm glad that I have so many of them too. Wade and I lined ball fields together the past 3 summers.  It was our Mother/son bonding time, just the two of us.  I miss our talks that we shared each day to and from the ballfields . Wade was a perfectionist when dragging and  chalking the fields-and whenever I would try to chalk the lines, he would kid around with me and say that the zigzag pattern wasn't really  the look that we were trying to achieve. Which meant, that I was to let HIM chalk the lines only. I just miss him  and everything we did together,  as you know and understand all too well.

Katie Adam's mom,
Thank you- sending love and hugs to you also.

Elaine (Brynn's mom)
Yes, This is such a tough journey that none of us signed up for, My thoughts are with you and your sweet Brynn, I visited her website and your girl is gorgeous, such a pretty smile & such a classy little dresser,,,I enjoyed seeing all the photos and  Thank you for sharing her with us.
 Karen Paul,
I appreciated your  warm response also and for sharing your  memories with me, Thank you for including the  precious picture of Chris and your mom on horseback .

Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: Wadesmom on July 07, 2007, 07:21:38 AM
Dena &
John-Danielle Marie's Daddy,

 Thank you for your responses,,,,,,,, it is difficult for me to write about those memories and it also took time for me to work up the courage to post  it.  You're right, there are times when we are extremely aware that our children are no longer here and  yet some days the "memories" sustain us and bring a smile to our face.  "Remembering " seems to be a  roller coaster of emotions  with all the ups and downs, twists and turns along the way, With each day being different and just never knowing what to expect.

Take care


Title: Re: Without Wade
Post by: msmargie on July 07, 2007, 09:39:35 AM
my heart goes out yo you, wadesmom-i dont even know you but i feel connected-what an awesome picture you have painted of your boy- i am so happy that i came across this site- comforting- you are in my thoughts