Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: Kyme jeffreys Mom on March 01, 2007, 07:50:29 PM

Title: Is it wrong?
Post by: Kyme jeffreys Mom on March 01, 2007, 07:50:29 PM
Is it wrong to have kept everything that was him?

Is it wrong that I have his clothes he died in and I take them out window car glass and all just to smell them, on any occassion i FEEL FIT.

Just to know that he was mine and someone took him, I miss him so much all the time, I just keep everthing little thing.

WE had to move two weeks after his death no choice, did not have the the right to close his room and say when I am ready, I had to and DID deal with Jeff's stuff.

But I take out the clothes he died in just to smell him, his knapesack just to know he did live

is this wrong

I miss him so much

Always Kyme Jeff's Mom
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: MelissaCharliesMom on March 01, 2007, 10:14:54 PM
Kyme- Nothing we do is "wrong". We have to do what is right for us, what makes us feel like we can get through the day. I go into Charlies room which has remained untouched since the day he died (except for cleaning it) lay on his bed and squeeze his pillow hoping beyond hope to smell him. There are those who think I am crazy for keeping his room looking like its waiting for him to walk through the door any minute. There are those who think it is wrong that I go to the cemetery every day. There are those who tell me how wrong I am to not forgive the man who caused the accident that killed my son, to wish him nothing but pain and agony for the rest of his life...maybe it is wrong to "normal people", maybe to those who dont know the pain I feel, but for us...whatever we have to do to get through the next minute, hour, day...its right for us.
Sending strength and peace.
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Jeanie's Mom on March 01, 2007, 10:19:07 PM
I have Jeanie's clothes and shoes too.
I will never let go of her things.
It is absolutely not wrong.

Love and Understanding
Lizzy, Jeanie's Mom
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Dottie (Tammie's Mom) on March 02, 2007, 06:09:35 AM
Your not wrong at all!!! I too had to move Tammie's things out of her house. The house had sold. I had 2 months but it still seemed too soon. I packed EVERYTHING up and it is all in my garage. I also have her clothes that she wore the last night they were on the foot of her bed. I put them in a plastic bag and I also smell them once in awhile.

It is not WRONG at all.

Dottie Tammie's Mom
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Marianne on March 02, 2007, 06:50:14 AM
Oh Kyme,

There is no wrong thing to do when it comes to grief!  I wish I had something of Alek's that smelled of him!  I was a fanatic cleaner before he passed.  I even washed his blankie.  I was so distraught - trying to smell socks - ANYTHING- that would smell like him.  My husband sprayed Alek's collogne on his bed sheets so I could smell that.  He didn't tell me what he had done for a long time afterwards.  We too moved shortly afterwards.  I found Alek in our home and just couldn't take it.  My sister in law helped me pack up Alek's room.  I have all of his boxes waiting for me to go through.  I haven't been able to yet.

Take your time and keep your memories of the good days strong!

Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Karen Paul on March 02, 2007, 06:55:17 AM
Kyme - only you know what is right for you.. I do not think it is wrong at all... my brother has moved 3 times since Chris died. The first 2 times I think his wife (Chris' step-mom) did most of the packing. The last time was after they separated and he moved into a one bedroom apartment. But he still has so much that was Chris... and he gave me Chris' clothes (the ones he was willing to part with) to make a quilt for him, which I am working on. Chris' room at his mom's is pretty much untouched I think, so everyone has to find their own path on this...

luv and hugs,
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Jeanneb on March 02, 2007, 06:56:02 AM

No way is this wrong.  I also had to close up Philip's room within a couple of weeks of his death.  I have what I call my Philip box.  I keep it under my bed.  It has some special stuff in it and one thing I did was gather up his dirty clothes and put them in a bag.  I take them out anytime I want to smell him.  Unfortunately, that smell has pretty much gone.

Most of his things his brother and sister took and I have some boxes in the attic.  The clothes he had on the day of his accident were ripped and shredded by the EMT's.  It was his favorite shirt and I got none of that back.  That is why I came home and picked up some of his dirty clothes and immediately bagged them hoping to contain his smell.  Some of the stuff I kept were even a few of his boxers (those were clean) and I have a pair of his pants that had a drawstring waist.  Ever once in a while I put on those pants and wear them all day when I'm especially having a bad day.  They are big on me and drag the ground, he was 6'4" and I'm 5'4" but they make me feel surrounded by him.

So NO WAY ARE YOU WRONG!!!!We do what we need to and if you are wrong, then I'm right there with you.

Love and hugs,
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: JenKellisMom on March 02, 2007, 07:30:21 AM
Like everyone has said before me it is definitely NOT wrong.  My Kelli's room looks the same as it did the day she died.  Her clothes are still scattered across her bed.  Her coat still hangs on the hook by the door.  I even still have the pile of markers and art supplies still cluttering up a shelf in the family room.  I sleep with her blankie next to my pillow EVERY night.

Kyme, I truly hope you feel Jeffery all around you today on his 2nd angel date.  My thoughts and prayers are with you on this very difficult day.

Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: quint906 on March 03, 2007, 01:01:37 PM
Hi Kyme,

When Cory left us, we had to clean out his apartment.  I'm amazed that his life is in many storage containers.  I have one, which holds the clothes the coroner gave me when Cory was found, including the sweatshirt the EMT's cut off from him.  Occasionally, I go in that box to hold these clothes.  Cory was a terrific dresser and also was known for his colognes.  He always smelled so good.  I would open his cell phone because I could smell his scent.  Now that scent is fading.  I kept everything that was Cory's, even scrap paper with notes on them.  I have special containers with things of Corys.  One will be for his children when they are old enough to cherish them.  I try to imagine if I will ever part with his things, and I can honestly say, never!

I love Karen Paul's idea of a quilt.  I don't know anyone capable of making it for me, and it would still be a long way down the road for me to part with his clothes.  I've tried to think of people I could give some of his things to, but I'm not ready to let go.  I have given a few friends certain jerseys of his, because each one had a fond memory of being with him when he was wearing it.

You are not alone in your need to embrace this part  of Jeffrey.  I'm just like you and so are many of us with our children.  We want to keep them close to us in what ever way we can.


Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Dena on March 04, 2007, 03:22:49 PM
Kyme -

It is not wrong to keep Jeff's things.  This is tangible evidence that our children were here and it is SO important to have this to hold when we need it.  I still have Josh's favorite T shirt and his stuffed bunnies and so many other things that helped make him who he was/is.

When Josh died, they destroyed the clothes he had on and we never got them back. His eyeglasses were left in the Little Niagara River, where he lost them. 

Hold on tight to Jeff's things and find comfort in them whenever you need to.

Dena, Josh's Mom

Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: marie on March 04, 2007, 05:12:01 PM
no it is not wrong I still have'nt gone upstairs in Patrick's room to look over his things It has been a year. The things I have downstairs I keep because it gives me comfort and the feeling he might come home but I know he won't. I even wear some of his sweatshirts and tee shirts. LOVE AND HUGS MARIE
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: LuAnn on March 04, 2007, 08:00:24 PM
I moved a year after my grandson was killed. I had set up a table with pictures, trinkets, all the sympathy cards people sent to us. I didn't think I could possibly [ut those precious things in a box and close the lid. I could picture my son and I carefully carrying that table to our new home. Since that was absolutely impossible I did eventually pack everything very carefully and bring it to the new place.

My son, my grandson's dad, died 6 months ago and I haven't touched anything in his room. I let my mom clean it but told her not to throw anything away. His clothes are still hanging in the closet. I wore his Ohio State jersey every time there was a game. I go in his closet and just look at his clothes hanging there and pretend for just a moment that maybe he will be back.

None of us is wrong in how take this journey. I know that I am grateful that I can come here and validate that I'm not alone in how I try to cope.
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Kim- Matthew's Mom on March 05, 2007, 01:53:01 PM
So many have responded just as I will there is not a wrong way to deal with the memories of our precious children.  I have been fortunate in the fact that I have not had to change Matthew's room much.  I did go in and clean up a bit just the trash and such.  I still have not washed the dirty laundry and it has been almost three years.  My son worked for a local food chain that served chicken so you can imagine that it is not the most pleasant smell but it is the smell he left behind among other wonderful memories.  I have kept small peicies of paper that he doodled on just have a glimpse of his hand writings.  I have left all of his dresser drawers just as they were.  It gives me a place to go that I can feel close to him from time to time.

This may sound weird but Matt had the room over the garage and I always knew he was home when I saw the light on in his room.  Lately my younger son has been going into Matt's room to visit and I will be out and about and I will pull into the drive and the light will be on and for a breif moment  all seems right with the world and then the reality sets back in.  Oh how I wish......

You do what you need to do and you smell what you need to smell for as long as you need to.
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: Johanna on March 05, 2007, 04:18:40 PM
No it is definately not wrong Kyme.  I have so little of Micheal's stuff. 

He left most of his stuff there when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend and moved out of thier apartment, so I have one over-filled box of odds and ends and paperwork, the series of books that he was reading before he died and some clothes and stuff. 

I gave my daughters each some of his clothes and one of his watches each.  I wear some of his sweatshirts and shirts (and a pair of his drawstring pants too Jeanne), and I have two shirts - one that smells like him dressed up and wearing "stink pretty" (that's what he called his cologne) and the other one smells like him when he came home from work - and a winter coat that still faintly smells like him.  I sleep with his army bear and his pillow, under his comforter every night, and have his photo on my bedside table to kiss and say "I love you" to every night before I turn out my light.

I also carry the little insurance slip folder from his car with his health insurance card, his driver's licence & insurance slip, his birth certificate and his business cards, around in my purse with me all of the time.

I did get the clothes he was wearing when he fell, from the hospital where he was first brought, but I didn't keep them because they were in shreds from EMS having to cut them off of him.  I could kick myself over and over and over now for not keeping them, but at the time when I got them back, I was extremely distraught and my husband thought it would be better for me not to keep looking at them.  His heart was in the right place and I understand that he didn't think it would be good for me to look at them all the time, but what I wouldn't give to be able to smell them....

So if any of you are crazy, then I guess I am certifiable... But we aren't. We are just holding tightly to every little thing that we have left of our children.  Even though it is horrible for me to feel this way about any of us in this terrible situation, I have to admit that I envy those of you who still have your children's rooms to go into... Forgive me for feeling this way - I know it's not fair, but Micheal moved out on his own about a year and a half or so before he died, so 'his room' wasn't his room anymore and all I have left are bits and pieces.

I am so sorry that we are all left grasping for little bits of comfort.  Wishing you all peace and comfort.
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: quint906 on March 05, 2007, 05:08:41 PM
Hi again.

I was reading all the posts to your question and I just have to add a few more things.

I wear Cory's shirts and his "hoodie".  I put his cologne on my wrist just to close my eyes and pretend.  I also carry his drivers license and business cards in my purse.  He renewed his license 6 days before he left.

The hardest thing is looking at his urn.  Because of the circumstances of having to go to Florida and have a service there, coming back up to Milwaukee and having his memorial for the family up here, it seemed, at the time, cremating him was the right thing to do.  Needless to say, I was distraught and had to make hasty decisions.  When I see that urn, all I can think of, is that's what's left of my beautiful son.  I try to joke and say it's the sweetened, condensed version of Cory, but knowing what I had done to him hurts so much.  People up here don't understand how I feel about this.  Everything happened so fast and it was all in the week of Christmas.

Sorry, I seemed to go off on a little trip here.  I should be happy that I have him with me all the time but I still feel unsettled.  Maybe because it's up here at my Mothers, with my Mother-In-Law living here also, that I don't have the "quiet" time with him.  I wish I had my old life back but that will never be again.

All in all, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone with my wanting to keep every part of Cory, like you all with your children, much alive.


Jo - Cory's Mom
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: CRCmom on March 06, 2007, 03:05:40 PM

Who has the right to say what is right or wrong anyway - except you!!!!!!  Whatever you need to do to deal with this tremendous loss is yours to do!!!!

Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: laurasmom on March 06, 2007, 06:54:05 PM
Nothing is wrong if it helps us feel closer to our child. Tomorrow will be 3 years and 9 months since Laura was killed.  Her room is the same as the day she walked out of it, with the exception that she had not made her bed that day, and I made her bed a few days later.  But I did not change or wash her sheets.  I still go in there and lie on her bed and hold her pillow.  I did not get her clothes that she was wearing that day back either, they were ruined when they were trying to resusitate her.  The nurse at the hospital did give me her earrings and a note that she had in her pocket, a poem written to her from her boyfriend.  Her purse was never recovered, we don't know if it was crushed into the car, or picked up by someone at the collision scene.  She had a pair of favorite shorts, with "ANGEL" printed across the back of them.  I sleep with them in my pillowcase every night.  She also liked fresh flowers, I used to buy her bouquets to keep in her room.  Now I take fresh flowers to her grave every week, winter, summer, fall, spring, snow, rain, whatever, she gets fresh flowers every week.  Sometimes I will see something that I know she would like, and I get it to put on her grave, or in her room, or in the memory garden I planted for her.  I have been told that I should not still be going to the cemetary so much, that it's time to pack up her things, etc.  I just don't pay attention.  The ones who say this to me have never lost a child.  I love her and miss her very, very much, as all of you do your children, and I will do anything to keep her close to me.  I don't care what anyone else thinks.
Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: quint906 on March 07, 2007, 07:20:04 AM

The other day, a friend of my husband to him "you have to move on".  When Gary told me this, I exploded.  There will never be a moving on,  only a moving forward with the acceptance of this pain.  I've heard how people speak before they think, and believe me, this "friend" is one of them.  Unless they've been in our shoes, they don't know what they're talking about.  All I know is if someone says that to me, watch out.  Our children existed and still exist in our hearts forever.

Title: Re: Is it wrong?
Post by: leslie on March 07, 2007, 01:14:57 PM
It's been nearly 7 years since Jarek died. We too had to move shortly after he died. I have a box of stuff that was his. His watch still goes off from time to time. I believe that anything that makes us feel better/closer or whatever to our children is not wrong.

Much love,