Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Sibling Loss => Topic started by: garys-sis on February 15, 2007, 04:31:38 PM

Title: Only Child now
Post by: garys-sis on February 15, 2007, 04:31:38 PM
Hello I am new to the site.
On May 21st I received a phone call from my brother's friends, they were worried about Gary because they couldn't get a hold of him. I went to my parents house to check on him. He was in bed sick. My brother was a diabetic. He told me he would be fine and that he wouldn't go to the hospital or come and stay at my house, it was just food poisining or so he thought. The next morning for some reason I went to check on him, it was then that I found my 29 year old brother dead in his bed. My parents were on their way home from vacation with his 2 children. They said he died of a diabetic induced heart attack. I feel like if I would have gotten him to the hospital, he would still be here, my parents would still have their little boy, their baby. I would still have my only brother, my kids thier uncle and most important my nephew and neice their father. In a way I was glad that I found him cause his kids would have ran down to see him when they got home, they would have found him. It was hard to tell my parents that their son was gone. I had to make alot of choices that I hope my parents agreed with. The next few days were hard.  I basically planned the funeral, cause mom & dad were still in shock, basically they were out of it. I really didn't grieve, I think I cried twice during the service. I just keep thinking what if...what if I would have taken him to get help.
It is hard being the only child after 29 years, I try to be there as much as possible for my parents. They are all I have now. Christmas and his birthday were especially hard but we made it through just as I am sure all of you have. Anyway just needed to talk. It helps me to do that. Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: Sad Eyes on February 16, 2007, 12:32:48 PM
Hello Garys-sis,

First of all, I want to let you know how sorry I am that you have lost your brother. I have lost both my brother and my sister, so I am familiar with your only child status and the burdens that comes along with it.  I know how hard it is to tell your parents that they have lost a child.  I was the one who had to tell my elderly father that my brother had been murdered.  That has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I'm sorry that you had to go through that too.  I wish that I some kind of magic words that could make everthing better for you, unfortunately I don't.  But I have found talking to others on this board helps me.  We are here because we have lost loved ones and that gives us a much better understanding of the pain and sorrow that we all share.  Take care and let us know how you are doing.
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: jillssister on February 16, 2007, 02:18:50 PM
 After reading your post I began to feel that there are people who are experiencing the same feelings I am. Asking the What if? or Why didn't I?. That must have been so hard for you and my heart breaks to think of what you endured. I had to do alot of the same things when my sister passed almost 4 weeks ago. My parents really struggled with some things and as the oldest I stepped up to do that for them so they did not have to endure any more pain then they already had. I feel like I have not fully grieved and I'm almost afraid to do so now. I'm so sorry that you lost your brother in all of this. My sister was 29 and had 3 small children and a husband. I feel everyday for those kids as you must for your brothers kids.
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: garys-sis on February 16, 2007, 05:54:30 PM
Jillssister and Sad Eyes
I am so sorry for the both of you also. When my brother passed away the worst thing that people could say to me was " I know how you are feeling" when they didn't, but here people actually do know how I am feeling. It helps to know that I am not alone and that if I need to talk to someone I can. I also feel that I didn't get to fully grieve and I think to myself it has been almost 9 months it is to late to do so now. Then "special" days come along and I can't help but think of him and of course cry.
I got married in January, my brother was suppose to walk me down the aisle, I carried 2 bouquets of flowers. One to represent him and then my own. I gave the "brother" bouquet to my mom when I got to the front of the aisle. That helped me I really felt like he was with me that day.
His children are having their baptism this Sunday so he is going to be missed then. I know everybody says he is still with us but that doesn't make me miss him any less.
Anyway once again thanks for listening, it means alot to know that I can talk openly here.
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: Lonnie on February 18, 2007, 03:27:44 AM
Hi Garys-sis: I just wanted to say that I am so familiar with all the horrible consequences of diabetes. My mother (is) and real dad (was) both insulin dependent diabetics. My stepdad died not quite a couple of years ago. He was my mom's caregiver, and now I am. She still lives at home alone by her own choice. I just wanted to share with you that I thought I could not bear the stress of knowing that I was now responsible for her, and for her very life. I felt like if she went low (blood sugar) and I wasn't there to bring her out, then it was my fault. But I finally realized that even if she lived with me, there was no way that I could watch her 24 hours a day. I would have to go to the grocery store and errands, sleep, bathe, etc. I finally realized that I could only do what I was capable of doing to the best of my ability. I had to leave the rest in God's hands. It helps to realize how little we really control. You could not make your brother go to the emergency room or doctor. He didn't even know how sick he was. If he did, he would have gone without being pressured. No one could have known how serious it was. Please don't ever blame yourself. You checked on him, invited him to stay at your house and apparently talked about going to the doctor. It was just one of those horrible tragedies. I am so very sorry for your loss, and for all you went through in the days following. How awful it must have been to have to tell your parents and the children. It breaks my heart to think of it.
I just wanted to tell you that there is probably not one person on this grief board who has not second guessed themselves in the loss of their loved one. The "if only" and "why didn't I" questions fill all of our hearts. But in the end, remember you are looking at it from the other side now. As it was playing out, you could not have known. None of us could. I will pray for your peace and well being. Keep writing out your thoughts and let us reassure you that you are not in any way to blame. You have suffered a tremendous loss, and have not even had much time to grieve yourself. I went through something similar when my stepdad died, because I had to be strong for my mom and there was so much to do. May God bless you and give you peace. Hugs-Lonnie
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: middle sis on February 18, 2007, 09:11:48 PM
I'm so sorry for your recent loss. I too am now an only child through the loss of my 2 siblings. I know I still stuggle.....daily. It just doesn't seem fair. Just take it step by step, day by day, and hopefully we will all make it through. Please come and share as much as you wish. We all understand in some way or another.
Be kind to yourself
Middle sis
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: jazzgirl on May 07, 2007, 02:16:17 PM
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my only brother, but still have a sister. I can understand how you would feel like you are now an only child. I thought I no longer have a brother, but God showed me that this is not the case. You will always have your other siblings. It is just they are in another world awaiting your arrival. You will never be an only child. I understand why you would feel that way. SO much I want to be able to be with my brother and hug him and laugh with him like we use to. Just know that they are at peace now awaiting our arrivals so we can all be together again.  Each day that goes by is just 1 day closer to seeing them again!!
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: Autumn Leaves on June 26, 2007, 09:03:36 AM
You can't say that if only, if only you'd been there you could have saved your brother. It's likely the result would have been the same if he'd been at the hospital. I've thought similar thoughts over my hubby's long diabetic related illness and subsequent death, all the if onlys would have made him all better and they wouldn't. That's giving me way too much power, saying that I could have saved my husband's life if I'd done something different. It's saying I could have made him all better and I haven't been able to do that since my daughter skinned her knees when she was little and I kissed them and made it all better.

We have to stop second guessing ourselves and accept what happened, no matter how unfair . We have to honor their lives and carry on and keep the memories alive for those they left behind.
Title: Re: Only Child now
Post by: AllysonD on July 06, 2007, 01:05:04 PM
I lost my brother on April 13 of this year and I am an only child too. I am sorry for your loss.