Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Child Loss => Topic started by: tanyasmom on February 15, 2007, 01:04:31 PM

Title: he missed her...
Post by: tanyasmom on February 15, 2007, 01:04:31 PM
MY name is nina and I'm Tanya's mom.  This is my first time writing and I don't usually put my feelings down for everyone to see. But I've been reading and finally feel that someone understands. Tanya died in a car accident on March 2nd,2005. She was on her way to pick up her sister who was working.  It was late afternoon and there were snow squalls.   Talk about feeling guilty...I work 20 minutes away and the sun was shining brightly.  No sign of anything!!! Had I known it was that bad, I would'nt have let her go.  She was with her boyfriend Jeff.  She was 18 and he was 21.  My daughter Vanessa who was working , doesn't talk about the accident but had mentionned early on that if she wasn't working, none of this would have happened. My youngest daughter of 3, Sabrina was supposed to go with Tanya to get her.  She told me it should have been her.  It's  so hard.  When I think of what could have happened that day. I could have lost all 3 of them at the same time.  I miss Tanya so much. She was my first, my friend and she was becoming a beautiful woman.  She was my right arm, always able to make me feel better with her "it's all good mom!". I'm a single mother and Tanya had become her younger sister' s second mother.  We all feel the loss so greatly. I'm sorry ...I guess this is quite a bit...for the first time!!!  Tanya came back last night and took her cat Tubby back with her. He missed her...How strange ...on a snowy night and Valentine's at that!
Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: rose on February 15, 2007, 01:42:58 PM
I'm so sorry about your daughter.  I think you will find this board helpful as we all understand eachother.    Don't be sorry about writing too much. Write as much and as often as you feel you need to.  It's good to talk and let our feelings out.

My son, Jason, died in a car crash 6 years ago at the age of 16.  He was a great kid and I constantly find myself asking "why?"  The good ones are always taken too soon.  It was a "freak" accident.  Although, I believe he was racing with another.  A "phanton" car kept moving into Jason's lane.  Jason beeped his horn, but the vehicle kept moving into his lane.  Jason's car hit some gravel in the shoulder which started his car in a clockwise spin.  His door caught the guardrail.  As the car continued sideways, it lifted the guardrail up and it finally snapped in 2. The point punctured the driver's side door, going through Jason and lifting him up and throwing him out.  Jason was wearing his seatbelt.  He was driving a Mustang convertable with the top down.  After he was thrown, an oncoming vehicle ran him over.  I think he was already dead at that point.  The investigator's said it was instantaneous.  There was another kid with him who didn't get a scratch on him.  We'll never know what really happened.  There was another car (Mustang) that was supposed to have been following him.  But, like I said, I believe they were racing.  Every year on Jason's birthday or the anniversary day, the driver of that other car would come by and he just seemed "guilty."  The passenger with Jason or any of the other kids around stuck with the "phantom" vehicle story. 

Wow, it's been a long time since I recapped those details.  Jason was so badly injured, they had to leave his body covered when we were able to "visit" with him before the funeral.  They were able to leave his big toe uncovered and that's all I got to touch.  I miss him terribly.  We have a scrap book with all his pictures in it and I look at that all the time.

Just take it one day and one minute at a time.  Feel what you need to feel.  Don't put a timeline on your grieving, cause there isn't one.  Know that you can come here whenever you need.


Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Karen Paul on February 15, 2007, 02:35:25 PM
Nina - I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet Tanya.. I'm also sorry to hear about Tubby.. a link to your daughter and I know what that means.. I do believe he is now with her though.. and they were reunited on Valentine's day...

I do hope you find understanding and comfort here... and it is a safe place to share whatever you're feeling...

My nephew Christopher was killed by a hit and run driver while riding his bicycle home from a friend's house in Nov 2003. Chris was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday. Chris is my brother's only child and my parents' only grandchild (since I have none of my own - infertility)... He had such a bright future and it was all taken away in a flash.. we miss him beyond words..

Chris also has a special kitty (Josie) at his mom's.. she is still around and sleeps on his bed often I'm told...

I do hope you will come back and share more about your sweet Tanya when you feel up to it.. In the meantime here is a poem that is on Chris' website (I do not know the author)...

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

-author unknown

luv and hugs, Karen
proud aunt of Christopher



Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Jeanneb on February 15, 2007, 05:14:48 PM

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Tanya.  I'm glad that you've been reading and felt up to sharing.  I hope that in time you will be able to do that again.  I'm also sorry for the loss of her cat.  I know how anything attached to our child we don't want to let go of.

I lost my youngest, Philip at 17 due to a car accident.  It has 3.5 years now and still miss him like it was yesterday.  We also lost his dog, Fred this past year.  We had to put him down due to old age but it still is hard, just another piece gone.

As you are able please share more.

Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Marianne on February 15, 2007, 06:25:20 PM
I am so sorry.  It is so unfair that we have to go on without our babies.  Please know that I am thinking of you and sending you love.
Title: Re: he missed her...(((Nina & Tayna)))
Post by: John-Danielle Marie's Daddy on February 16, 2007, 06:06:39 AM
             I am SO SORRY to read of your beloved daughter, Tanya’s horrible accident and her traumatic death. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I also want to welcome you to this wonderful group of caring, loving and compassionate parents who have also suffered the GREATEST loss of their lives, the death of our child.
I am the father of a heavenly Angel also named Danielle, Danielle Marie. On February 20th, 2006 at 11 years 1 month and 17 days old, our beautiful, precious and life-loving daughter, Danielle Marie died at 10:59am in an automobile collision in Sturbridge, MA. She died of a massive traumatic head injury and was pronounced dead at the scene.
            The pain and anguish that is experienced by a bereaved/grieving parent is devastating. We can ALL relate to what you may have or will experience along this journey of grief. Please talk to us about your wonderful daughter or your own grief whenever you need support.
Please understand that the devastating death of your beautiful daughter is very difficult and unlike ANY OTHER death.
             Nina, please know that we are always here for you & your family.
Take Care & may God give you & your loving family the strength and courage to guide you all along this terrible journey.

Take Care,
Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: MelissaCharliesMom on February 16, 2007, 10:16:52 AM
I too am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Our Charlie died in a car accident on June 26 2004, he was 10. He too was our firstborn I had him when I was young.....he was my everything. My other children especially his brother Patrick who was his best friend, miss him terribly. Our daughter Emma was only 8 months when he died, but we speak of him often and she asks about him all the time. Our youngest Brayden was born after we lost our Charlie. He will be 1 this month and points at Charlies pictures....saying" My bru bru" (brother). It is so unfair for all of us. Please know there are many people here who care and understand....again I am so sorry for your loss, but am glad you found your way to us. Sending strength and peace.
Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: tanyasmom on February 16, 2007, 11:04:45 AM
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT...I really need it these days. Seems it's one event after another. If it's not days like Valentines day or   the two year mark  coming up on March 2nd...It's our parents growing old and watching them becoming less and less like the people we remember.   Tanya's passing has aged us all!! My girls lost their sister and my ex-husband's father all within 2 weeks...How much are they supposed to be able to handle? 
Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Maureen, Traci's Mom on February 16, 2007, 03:25:20 PM
Hi Nina,

I too lost my 18 year old daughter the same week that you did.  My daughter Traci died on march 7, 2005 in a motor vehicle accident.  She died at the scene, and I didn't get to see her until 4 days later at the funeral home.  I am probably sure you are like me and can't believe that it is almost 2 years for us.  I still don't understand it all and I can't believe I won't be celebrating her 21st birthday with her this year.  Please try to post a picture of her so we can see her.

Many hugs for you,

Maureen, Traci's Mom
Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Kyme jeffreys Mom on February 16, 2007, 04:57:05 PM
Hi Nina,

I am glad you have found your way here. We have never spoken, but Jeffrey talked highly of you. I remember Valentine's Day two years ago, Jeff bought you a card, I went with him to pick it out, he wanted to thank you for letting him stay at your house, for making him apart of your family.

My son loved your daughter with all his heart, and it has brokern mine beyond repair to have lost him.

He was , is my life, he made each and everyday brighter , I miss him with every breath I take, he was my reason for living, he made my other two children who they are today, Jeffrey was My man in my life and the few times Tanya did come to our home, she was a sweet, polite and a pretty Girl, no wonder Jeff fell in love.

Nina the second year is the hardest, at least it has been for me. I see his friends sometimes and think he would be in his second year of University and Tanya would be graduating Vanier.

We both lost two GREAT kids, life will never ever be the same, but here in this forum you will find parents that sit right where we are, that have the same pain the same loniness, the same feelings and in this you will know you are never alone.

I am never far Nina, as we both know Our children, lived, loved and died together, unfortunaley we share a bond uncommon here on this board.

The two daughters who remain will always remind you of Tanya, they will always say what if - but the guilt that eats us up is not healthy, like I have always said, I should not have let him go.

But I did, I had to, he loved her and wanted to go to your house that day

I did and I have to  live with that

You take Care Nina, Tanya is never far from my mind nor my heart

Always Jeffrey's Mom

Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: Kathy on February 16, 2007, 07:39:59 PM
Dear Nina,

I am so very sorry about Tanya. I just hate that another parent's child has died. The feeling of guilt is normal in this new world of ours. I still struggle with it everyday since my 16 year old son, Don was killed in a car accident Oct. 2, 2004.I just think if I had done one thing differently that day I could have saved his life.

This site has been my lifeline since Don's death. The kindness, the compassion and the understanding from everyone here has helped me more than words can
say. I am holding you and Tanya close to my broken heart tonight.

Title: Re: he missed her...
Post by: LaVonne on February 17, 2007, 07:45:38 AM

  I am so sorry for your loss and will hold you close to my heart. Will Be praying and thinking of you and your family through out this journey.  I feel i know your Precious daughter Tanya from when Kyme has posted.  She will always be loved and never forgotten. hugs  LaVonne (mom to Jae) forever and a day