Hello to everyone... having a hard time responding

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

I just came to the site last night, and I've read and cried and read and cried.  That's a good thing cuz I've been holding my emotions back.  I'm normally a very emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but  since the funeral I have this weird hold on my emotions it's a bit scary.  I let go every once in awhile, but usually only by myself.

I'm normally an outgoing person who reaches out to others, but I hide now from so many people.  I find I'm even hiding a bit here and not even feeling that I can reach out and offer support to others.  It makes me so sad to look at all these beautiful children and to know the pain and sorrow that so many parents feel, especially since I now understand it firsthand.

I hope that I will be able to open up on this site.  I know it's already given me a place where I can go and open up my emotions and cry.  I cry for all of you and I cry for myself.  Even though right now I can't respond to many posts please know you are all in my heart and prayers and I thank you for your support and prayers.

Alex's Mom

[starynyte]

Lori,

You sound just like me.

I'm normally a very emotional person who wears my heart on my sleeve, but  since the funeral I have this weird hold on my emotions it's a bit scary.  I let go every once in awhile, but usually only by myself.

Around family, friends, in public, school, I was the same way after Chris was killed. I kept my grief to myself. There was one time, in school a boy sat next to me with chewed up fingernails, Chris chewed his fingernails the same way. I busted out crying right there in the room, and RAN out to find a corner in the ladie's room to bawl my eyes out. People came in and asked if I needed help, tried to console me as I stood like a punished child with my face in the corner sobbing uncontrolably for what seemed forever.

After that humiliation, I had this intense fear of letting my emotions out, it was like I thought this monster would eat me up if I let it out. The more I held it in, even at home I would, because I felt if I went there, I wouldn't come back therefore I wouldn't be able to go to school, work, anything, it would just take me over, so I tried to burry those feelings. BAD BAD BAD! It made it sooooo much worse! I found myself loosing control all over the place, at work, while driving [NOT safe!] and in reading books on grief, and talking with my grief councelor, I knew I had to let it out.

Little by little I was able to, like you I would come here and read, and cry, I would look at my son's pictures, go to his grave, and allow myself to feel it, and let it out.

When life continues, the sun comes up every day, all the cars go by, people rush through the world, it seems so unfair that it refuses to stop to allow us our grief... it used to make me so incredibly angry.

I am deeply sorry for your loss, but glad you have found us here, and are able to let your pain out through tears. It is SOOOOOO important to allow ourselves to grieve!!!

Please save this quote and read it often, it has helped me immeasurably, as I hope it will you.

"My grief and pain are mine.  I have earned them.  They are part of me.  Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach." ~Anne Wilson Schaef

Sending you peace and comfort.

Love Cherri

[Karen Paul]

Lori - one thing I have learned over the past three years is that everyone moves in their own time through this grief.. be patient with yourself... when the time is right to reply to others you will know.. you are so new on this journey... let us be here for you right now...

I didn't even find this site till almost the first year had gone by.. not sure I could have posted much before that.. went to a Compassionate Friends meeting at 4 mos with my nephew's mom and it was just too much...

Take it all in your own time..

luv Karen

[Valerie (Kyle's Mom)]

One breathe at a time....sometimes that is hard to even do.  Allow the tears to flow, and continue to talk about your son.
He was your baby and he lived and was loved, and never will be forgotten.  My greatest fear was that Kyle will be forgotten by all his friends, but I was wrong, because he did have an impact on so many, just like your sweet Alex did and still does.   When you feel like it, tells us about Alex, we would love to hear about him and you!  Love, Valerie

[Jeanneb]

One minute at a time is all we can do.  This journey is full of bumps and pot holes and somedays it is easier than other days to walk along with our grief.  Don't push yourself there is no time limit or right or wrong way. 

Holding you close to my heart.

Jeanne

[faye]

Lori,

You sound like me, also.  There is nothing worse than this.  I think I may have been in shock in the  first few months, as I didn't seem to cry as much as I do now.  For me, it gets worse as time goes by.  Remember, we are always here for you.  Hold on cause it's a very bumpy ride.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.