Post Traumatic Stess

[Marianne]

Hello to all.

I think of you all every day and am so sorry that our lives are filled with such saddness.

I have been having a rough time and am noticing that there are key moments that have the ability to push me into deep pain and depression.

Yesterday, I planned a special day for my closest cousin and friend to go garage saleing with me.  My Mother In law and Sister In law introduced me to Garage Sales about three years ago.  It's a great opportunity to get out and talk to people - laugh and cheer when we get a great bargin.

We started out great - finding a jack pot of designer clothes for our girls, then it happened.  We stopped at a random house and the owner called out to me - "Marianne. Hi, do you remember me?  I work at the cemetary where your son is.  I haven't seen you around there lately."

The world spun - I muttered back words that I can't even remember.  I started sweating and got sick to my stomache.  My cousin, who is also an ER nurse took me to get some food, thinking that would make me feel better.  It didn't.  I was so sick.  She brought me home and I slept most of the day away.

When I awoke, I realized that his words had cast me into an emotional breakdown.

My son is in a cemetary!  WHY?  Oh God, WHY is my son there - Why isn't he away at school, calling me for money??? 

This Man had not seen me around lately!  That broke my heart. 

It has been 1 year and almost 7 months since my baby left - I keep telling myself that I should be feeling better - I should be able to handle comments that people make - I should be able to make it through a day without breaking down.  I am not! 

Do you think this is Post Traumatic Stress?  Every time I have a breakdown, In my mind, I am right back to the moment I found Alek. 

I don't know how much more my body can take. 

[quint906]

Hi Marianne.

I think you're right.  Cory's been gone 1yr. 4 mo's. and I still haven't gotten to the point of having an ache free day.  It could start off good but something or some site can trigger a set back for me.  I could go into a store and see a pair of shorts that Cory would like and wear.  Just little things.  I'm trying real hard to think  positive and hold on to the "good" memories.  I know I'm not crazy, but there are days I wonder.  I know it takes time but I don't know if this is something I'll ever accept.

Just want you to know, you're not alone.  We're pretty close in the time of our losses and it seems we're running on the same time line of our grief.

You're in my thoughts today.

Jo

[MARTHA(CANDI'S AUNT)]

marrianne,
  i think there's moment's when thing's trigger us. i was watching 7th heave a few weeks ago & matt & sarah was getting married . sarah's mom was in the bride room helping her get ready. i started crying. i can remember us in the bride's room on candi's wedding day.
i was depressed the rest of the evening.


sending you hug's,
martha

[Chy Scott's Mom]

I think it was real stupid of this person to mention anything, if you hadn't recognized him, which I  imagine since we're delerious with grief when burying our kids that you wouldn't have, then they should have remained silent.  I can tell this person has never buried a child or they wouldn't have said anything.  I new number on the growing list of "Stupid things that people say".  I'd have been sick too.  Would have screwed up my otherwise survivable day of being a crazy woman trying to have a normal day!  When I think about the details of Scott's dying, the autopsy, the casket, the arrangements, getting him clothes.........  I get so sick and I notice that my head starts turning unoticabley to others, maybe it's just on the inside, side to side in the universal "no" sign because the truth of it is UNACCEPTABLE, this CAN"T BE, oh jeez I so desperatley want it not to be true but my phone doesn't ring to find him on the other side, he doesn't pull up in car, which I'm sure he'd have now at 21, to visit.  Post Tramatic Stress?  Now Tramatic Stress

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

I think it is just being a sad bereaved mother...... So many many times we are knocked down by things that seem like nothing to others, but are so huge to us... Take care of yourself
Love
Brenda

[Jeanneb]

Marianne,

Can you say jackass?  That is what this person is.  Being in that line of business he should know better.

PTSD, I don't know.  For me, it is noises, in particular helicopters and that is from being at the scene of Philip's accident. 

The comment that he hadn't seen you at the cemetary is just beyond anything I could imagine.  I RARELY go to the cemetary it is just a place that is way too painful for me.  I really think you ought to call the cemetary management and say something.  Had this person approached you and said hello, that he worked for the cemetary and he is so sorry for your loss, that is acceptable.  But he should never have approached you and said what he did.  It really is terribly inappropriate and should never have been said to anyone that he has helped.

Philip will be gone 4 years in July and I know that sort of comment would have put me down for quite a while.  You are a grieving mom who is just trying so hard to find moments for yourself.

Hold on tight and vent away. 

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

[Lonnie]

Marianne: I am so sorry that had to happen on a day when you were trying desperately to do something a little bit relaxing. I also agree that it was thoughtless of the man to make a remark like that. It is nobody's business when you go to the cemetery, or if you go at all. Everyone handles that differently. It is only your concern, and no one elses. I can only imagine what the millions of triggers are for the loss of a child, but in my loss of my dad, I can be having an okay day and then I'll see something of his, and my heart goes into palpitations. I remember one day we had to go into his workshop for something, and there on his table was a cigarette still in the ashtray, and a clock that he had been repairing. It was as if time stood still, and he had just stepped away for a moment. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I know it had the same effect (probably worse) on my mom. And one day I simply looked out into the yard next to his workshop and saw a windmill that he had put up a long time ago. It was spinning in the wind, and for some reason, on that day, I lost it completely. We never really know when that grief monster is going to attack-memories are everywhere. Some are so painful. And then we have these people who say things that throw us into a tailspin. In their ignorance, they pierce our soul. At least we hope it's in ignorance, and we somehow try to forgive their thoughtlessness, but it sure isn't easy. I think that you are just hurting so very bad, and you have been through so much. The whole first year is almost shock, and it isn't until a little later that the full reality of the death hits us. Please take care of yourself and know that many prayers are going up for you. You have a beautiful son, and the agony of him not being here is so great. You are in my thoughts and in my heart-Lonnie (from the Main Board)

[shelly Tristans mom]

Marianne,

I am so sorry that some insensitive lout ruined your day. Rest assured that you are not going crazy. You are a bereaved parent. I don't think that there are any words that will make you feel better but just know that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers today.

I hold on to the hope that someday I will be able to get through a day without crying and that when memories of my Tristan float into my mind I will smile instead of crying.  I hope this for you too.

((((((((Sending hugs and Strength your way)))))))))

Shelly, Tristan's Mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Dear Marianne,

I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am at 19 months into this journey and I have a few some what normal days. if you can them that now. But I think of Tammie all the time. Small things bring tears and other things bring SOBS. It is normal I am sure and if it isn't I don't really care. It is my normal now. I go to the cemetery often. I know we are all different on this. For me it is a place to sit and remember without being disturbed. But each of us must do what is best for us. Losing your only child brings so much emptiness to your life, I know Marianne I do GET IT. Not that ever losing a child is easy but losing an only child is just different  because it does leave us with NO FUTURE. Thats my felings on it anyway. We all live for our kids and now it is so hard to find a reason to bother.

After my experience with Geoge Anderson, I know our kids are around us and hating that we are hurting but understand why. Know your sweet ALEK is close and you will be with him again, but it's not time yet. For some reason you need to try to go on and live as best you can until it is your time to meet ALEK again. Then he will be there for you. Believe me I know how hard this can be on some days.

Know I care and understand, I walk this path with you,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Rebecca]

I have triggers that can bring me to my knees if I am alone and if I am with people, I turn away.  It is so normal.  Today we went to the cemetary with my husband's cousins from NY.  They put their arms around us... When I think that my son's body is there I cringe.  This is all so impossible but it is something that we cannot change.  Thinking of you and understanding your pain and pain from triggers.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[laurasmom]

Hi Marianne,
I don't know if that is considered post-traumatic stress or just a trigger-"just a trigger"  sorry to make it sound simple, it isn't.  It has been nearly 4 years since Laura was killed, and there are still many things that trigger it for me...and sometimes what will trigger it one day, won't another...crazy...but so is losing a child to death.  I know that my son was diagnosed with PTSD, and he did only two things-cried or slept.  He was unable to work, barely ate...this lasted for nearly 3 months.  He had been driving the car when they were hit and his sister was killed, he went to Shock Trauma.  After he recovered physically, he seemed to be doing fairly well, although it took a couple of weeks before he would sleep alone, he wanted me to be in the room with him, and he was petrified the first few times he drove again (the collision was not his fault). He was 24 at the time. Laura was killed June 7, 2003, and her 18th birthday was July 30th.  On her birthday we went to the collsion site and placed a cross...the next day my son went to work, and I got a call a few hours later that he was in the emergency room with chest pain, he had been taken from work by ambulance.  He was determined to be ok, and went back to work, only to be sent home again because he started crying at his desk and couldn't stop.  This happened a couple of more times, and I took him to our family physician who diagnosed him with PTSD and survivor guilt.  He was off work for 2 months on disability, his work was VERY understanding, and finally he was able to begin to try to live as normal a life as he could.  But it was a very rough time.  Anyway, that was my experience with PTSD.

[Marianne]

Thank you !  Everyone - Thank you!

I am so Thankful for you all.  I am overwhelmed by the love and support you have given me. 

Love to you all!

[John-Danielle Marie's Daddy]

Hi Marianne,
I was catching up on my reading last night and I read your letter on PTSD.
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!
There are days where the littlest thing will trigger gut wrenching emotions, tears and anguish.
The other day, I was watching Victoria (Danielle's best friend next door) doing cartwheels on her front lawn. I just burst out into tears knowing that I will NEVER see my daughter do a cartwheel again.
There are so many times along this journey where we are cast into...what you called "an emotional breakdown" where our world seems to just EXPLODE.

Please know that I share your pain and continue to pray for ALL of us along this terrible journey to find some peace and comfort after the deaths of our beloved children.

Take Care my Dear Firend, Marianne

[Dena]

Marianne - That is most certainly PTSD.  That "jolt" that goes through us, bringing us back to that time & place.  I still have those moments and there are certain things that make it really bad.  Knocking on the door will do that to me, just as I am sure the phone ringing will set it off in others.

It will be 8 years in August and I still have those "wow" moments (as Steve calls them).  The "did it all really happen or is this just a bad dream".

Please take everything slow - you are still very new to this journey.  Bet gentle and patient with you.  There is no time table - no blueprint to follow.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom