Still Asking Why

[lovedhim]

Hi, Jannie and Karen and Penny -

I have been away for a while, and it is good to be back on my own computer.  I am not allowed personal email on my office laptop, and it is too cumbersome taking two laptops with me, so I here I am, at least for a couple of weeks.
Jannie -- Happy  Birthday.  I know this one was very hard on you, and my thoughts are with you.
I agree that, at the end of the day, it is good to have people who understand what we all are going through.  I can't describe fully so that anyone can know what I feel each morning and each night.  It's the in-between, work time, that helps me become someone else, someone who isn't supposed to feel, but just act.
I haven't touched my husband's clothes yet, or the things that he left lying around the house.  I guess I have to one day, but not now.  A friend made me cry tonight, just by being kind.  I guess anything makes me cry these days.
I was with his family yesterday -- a cookout.  Very hard to be around his brothers and their wives.  It seems the more each day passes, the more I miss him, but I am becoming accustomed to missing him. I don't think a broken heart can heal, as the song goes.  I think it becomes numb.  That's the way I feel, anyway.
Wishing you all some peace tonight.

[to young to be a widow]

Hi Jannie,

thanks for explaining that it is your beliefs about being with our loved ones--i had to keep myself busy yesterday but today i feel so alone--i miss fred so much and want to be with him so bad--everything is so complicated without him--its been another day of crying and loneliness--i need to have a an actual conversatoin with fred and i can't--it is so hard to come home to an empty home and him not being here

penny

[Jannie]

Good afternoon all,

Penny, there are no words I can say to make this pain go away.  It is the hardest thing we are dealing with, and no one really knows what we are feeling. We are a "unique" group of people.

My heart goes out to you.  It is four months out for me now since Charlie passed on, and I am still reeling from the shock and loneliness I feel every day and every night of my life.  It has become a wee bit easier for me in that I get through most days without crying, but I still feel numb most of the time.

I went to the pool again today and spent a nice afternoon with friends.  I like going during the week since most of the women are there without their husbands or boyfriends, so I don't feel so isolated.  There is a man there that is always hitting on me and every available female there, and he tried again today.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I AM NOT AT ALL INTERESTED AND TO PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  The thought of it makes my stomach turn.

Karen, thanks for the birthday wishes.  It was a quiet day, but that was fine with me.  I hope your little puppy has recovered from the watermelon incident!  Sometimes the things you say (although I am sure that you don't mean them to come across that way) really give me a chuckle, like when you said that you ate so much cheese that you were nauseous!

Work again tomorrow, so that is good.  I feel like I am in a different body when I am at work because I am keeping busy and thinking of things besides myself.

I hope someday we will all be able to find some peace in our lives.

Hang in there everyone,
Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie Penny and lovedhim,
    Yesterday I drove to the dentist which is pretty far, the furthest i went to far, so I was proud of myself, I am glad to give you a chuckle Jannie, that is good, Charlie has recovered, with the kaopectate, and chicken and rice, Johnny must have really been mad at me for giving it to him.  I also am going back to work tomorrow, and it is good, I am ready to go back,  I think I might have found a therapist in the neighborhood, I hope they good there,  Today was not easy, I got rid of all Johnny's bike parts, he was planning on opening a bike shop this summer, so he had tons of stuff that he collected for the shop, so I got someone that was interested and they took all of it. it was a good thing that they took all of it and emptied half of the basement, but my heart hurt knowing that he had such an exciting plan for  the summer, and it never happened, it was very hard and I got a pretty weak feeling after they left.  Well I had to update our phones on the computer tonight. and wouldn't you know it he had videos on there, talking to the dogs, i just got chills through my body every time I hear his voice.
Have a good night
Hugs
Karen

[Jannie]

Evening all,

Bad night tonight.  I came home from work around 8:30--we had a "food roadshow" at work, and they asked me to work a little later.  I was okay until I came home tonight to an empty house--the tears have been flowing ever since.  I just don't understand why Charlie was plucked from my life when we were so happy, and things were going so well.

The next two days are busy ones for me, so I need to get some sleep tonight.  I am trying to calm down and stop crying so I can rest.  Oh, what terrible losses we are all dealing with.

Wishing all of you peace, peace, peace.  This is so hard.

Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie,
     So sorry you had such a bad night, I am also pretty tired tonight, in bed already and ready to try to sleep, nothing new happening, except the obvious.
Have a good night's sleep
take care
Karen

[Jannie]

Hi Karen,

Hope you sleep well.  I have to get up early for my uncle's funeral, so I hope I can sleep too.  

Not much to say either--drove up to Short Hills today to see a financial advisor--long drive and a long day.

Trying not to cry tonight as my face looked like I was run over by a train this morning, and I don't want my relatives to see me that way tomorrow.

Ever wonder about Leo--hope he is okay!

Hugs,
Jannie

[Jannie]

Evening all,

Long day today.  I was up very early and had to drive about an hour and a half for my uncle's funeral.  It was a short military service, and afterwards we all went for breakfast.  I am very tired tonight.

I just had another crying episode while I was doing my dishes.  Last night I dreamt about my husband (who I lost in 1998).  It was such a nice dream, and I was so happy to see him.  Then I woke up and faced the reality of my life.  It feels like I am surrounded by death and gloom while others go on to enjoy their lives without a thought of what it is like to be where I am.
Life is so unfair.

Karen, when is your session with the medium?

Penny, and loved him, my heart aches for both of you.  Please hang in there--I know it will get better for you both one day, as I hope it will for me, Karen, and all of us.  This is the hardest thing we will ever have to do except to face our own mortality. 

I wish you all peace tonight,

Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie,
      My session is on July 6th this tuesday, I wish I could fast forward to the day, I am so excited about it, I hope that I get some peace from it.  I keep asking Johnny to make sure that he gets through to us, and I also ask god to allow him to, I was OK today at work until it was time to leave then I started to get depressed, I guess i know that it is the weekend, and I don't really have plans, I don't want any, guess I will see my son and his crew, maybe I will go to his house for a change, my other son is working all kinds of overtime, so I don't get to see them that much.  I feel pretty lonely, even though there are all these people around me.   I  feel like I am trying all the time, are we going to have to do this forever, I don't know if I can, or if I want to. I am getting tired of trying all the time, and pushing myself.
Have a good night
Hugs
Karen

[Jannie]

Morning all,

This was my Grief Share message of the day today--thought it was a good one.  This is a religious-based group, so I hope no one is offended by the religious part.  I just thought the message was good.

Will try and post more later.  Hope everyone has a decent 4th of July.  I have no plans either except to go to the pool.

Jannie


Loneliness Trap: Clutter
Day 92

To have a new hobby or to embark on a new endeavor to serve others is good, but overcrowding your life with activities can distract you from the process of grieving. You need time to be quiet, to relax, to meditate, and to pray.

Dr. Jim Conway says, "I remember a woman coming to one of the groups who said, 'My husband has been gone for about a year, and I'm just not getting any better.' She listed off half a dozen activities that she'd started since her husband died, as if being more active would help her through the process.

"I said to her, 'You know, you've been running from grief, but you have not yet started to grieve.'"

Use wisdom in the choices you make during grief, choices about your time, commitments, activities, and behaviors. Grief must be faced and then journeyed through, and the wisdom and strength to persevere is found in the Lord.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:2-5).

Father, please give me the wisdom to know when to be active and when to slow down, when to work and when to relax. Amen.

[closs86]

Hi Jannie
   That sounds like me, can't find enoiugh things to do, God help me and all of us
Hugs
Karen

[Jannie]

Hello all,

Worked today, and I am tired tonight.  The store was a lot busier than I thought it would be, but the day went by fast.

It is SO HOT here--temperature reached 100 from what I heard--I was in the store with AC on all day, so I didn't really care.

Karen, I hope you were able to watch that HBO special tonight about the mediums in NY.  I had a lot to do tonight when I got home, so I didn't get to see it, but I know it will be repeated many times, so I will catch it sometime.  GOOD LUCK tomorrow.  I am so hoping that Johnny will get through to you and tell you what you want to hear.  There is a white butterfly that I see every so often when I am out watering, and I wonder if that means something.  They say that the butterfly is a symbol of hospice and that it represents our loved ones.  I'm a bit of a skeptic myself, but it is strange that this butterfly seems to be around all the time.  So sad to think that this is what our loved ones have "morphed" into!!!  I want HIM back, not a butterfly!!!!

My friend and her son (he's 7) are coming to visit on Friday and will stay overnight.  I am happy that they are coming, but on the other hand, I am not so sure I am up for the company right now!

Wishing everyone well tonight,
Jannie

[Jannie]

Hello all,

Feeling very low tonight.  I had the best man in the world, and now he is gone.  What did we do to deserve this?  Life is SO unfair.

Karen, I hope things went well with the medium today.  I'm anxious to hear about it.

Not much else to say tonight.

Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie,
    OMG, it was amazing, I am so amazed at what happened today, I was a little skeptical this morning, but when we got there and met george, i couldn;t believe it, he just knew everything, things about how johnny passed and that he passed peacefully, things about everything, i can;t believe it, he told me things that there was no way in the world he could have known no matter what, things about my mom and dad, things about my sons, I just can't believe it, it was totally worth it, he was unbelieveable, I wish I could go to where Johnny is, it just sounds so peaceful. and beautiful. he said it is not my time yet, I wish it was.
amazing
take care
karen

[closs86]

Hi Jannie,
    don't be low, where we are going is going to be a wonderful place, and we are all going there we just have to wait for out time, I learned a lot today, I have peace inside now, I know that johnny is safe and with me all the time, he is my guardian angel and my sons.  I am not afraid, anymore
hugs
karen