Today is 35 years since I last saw my precious Momma, held her in my arms, kissed her and told her how very much I loved her. She was my best friend, although I was a Daddy's girl, the bond between me and my Momma was unshakable.
Waking up this morning, I relived the day that my life would change forever. My Grandmother called me, her mother (as she often did to wake me) as I worked night work and my son stayed with my Momma and she lived right around the corner. I would usually get up around 10AM and then walk over to Mom's house to have coffee with her and see my baby. Most mornings we would go out for breakfast unless she had something special she had cooked that morning.
When I heard my Grandmothers voice on the phone saying, "I can't wake your mother up and I just called the hospital" I just froze with terror. Her voice was shaky and she sounded breathless. I ran out of my house with the clothes I had on and no shoes to my Mom's house and I never felt my feet touch the ground. I felt like I was being lifted away from the earth. Just sheer terror.
When I got there, an ambulance was already outside and I ran in only to see the paramedics taking my mother down the stairs on a stretcher, her face covered with a white sheet. I ran up the stairs to meet them and pulled the sheet off of my mother screaming, "where are you taking my mother? Leave her here and help her. What are you doing with this sheet? She can't breathe!" Two of the paramedics pulled me down the stairs and away from my mother as I was so angry that they were taking her away. All the while, my grandmother was running around the dining room table screaming/crying..Rosa, Rosa....my little Rosie...
It just got worse after that as the police officer, who was also a family friend had to call my Dad at work. He didn't believe what he heard and thought it was my grandmother he was telling him about. And, not until he reached the hospital and saw my grandmother sitting in the ER crying that he knew it was his wife, my precious mother.
Then, we had to drive to where my sister worked to tell her. She was hysterical. Some hours later we had a house full of people, just staring, no one was talking. Sobs were heard and other than that...silence. We were all in shock.
My Dad was unable to make funeral arrangements so I handled it. When we all arrived at the viewing, (which my mother never wanted as we had discussed it over the years, but her mother, my grandmother 'did' and she was 'her' daughter and out of respect for her, we had a viewing) and when we saw her, we all just fell apart. I can not go into all that took place but we had to be taken from the funeral home by the director and brought home.
After wards, family members packed our clothes and drove us out to our family vacation home in the country and we stayed there for about a month. We just could not function.
My Mom was never sick, not even a cold..well, not that we were aware of. She was going down to the shore with her girlfriend for the day and she sat down for a minute, rested her head on her hand as she told her mother that she felt sick to her stomach and seconds later, she died. My son found her, screaming for my grandmother that she wouldn't wake up. Up until my son died, over 8 years ago, he spoke of her and the pain, the shock of losing her. He never found peace in having to live with just the memories.
My Dad withdrew from everyone/everything but remained a strong and positive role model for my son, as his father was not there for him. He had his first major stroke when my son died and was already showing signs of AD, which he is in latter stages of now and lives with me. Today, he called out my mother's name and at one point, thought that I was her. He started to cry and then fell asleep in my arms.
One life affects so many others. I've never shared of my Mom before but today I felt the need to. A lot is going wrong right now and peace is scarce and I miss her so much today. She was always happy. Always smiling. She was the sunshine and she was the most beautiful flower with the brightest colors and when she touched you, you just knew that everything would be alright. This is how I will remember her.
I miss you Mom, so much and I know you're taking care of my babies in Heaven. I feel that 'they' have been the lucky ones.
Terry