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Main / Still Grieving
« on: July 13, 2007, 10:34:31 PM »
We just recently celebrated Papa's birthday, on June 30. It was a good day. I bought him some roses and took them to his grave. I went to visit my grandmother and even sat in his old recliner, with no crying or sadness. I just sat there and remembered the man I love so much. I have actually had a pretty good summer. I have not had a lot of "episodes," aside from the conversation with my best friend in Atlanta on vacation. She and I had never really discussed the day he died and what I went through. She wanted to know, because she was out of the country at the time of his death, and could not be with me. It was emotional, but it seemed to be such a release for me.
The thing that is really still on my mind, is the dreams. The dreams of him come at least once a week. In most of them, he is alive and well, and normal things are happening in them. Every now and then, he speaks to me. He has been known to say things like "Kid, it is all going to be ok," but mostly he is just present. I know that means I just long to have him back, but they make me wake up so sad. I dream about him all the time. I don't know how to make them stop, and I am not sure if I will want them to stop when they do.
The thing that is really still on my mind, is the dreams. The dreams of him come at least once a week. In most of them, he is alive and well, and normal things are happening in them. Every now and then, he speaks to me. He has been known to say things like "Kid, it is all going to be ok," but mostly he is just present. I know that means I just long to have him back, but they make me wake up so sad. I dream about him all the time. I don't know how to make them stop, and I am not sure if I will want them to stop when they do.
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I have been holding this in for a while, so I am just going to let it out.
One of my best friends lives across the street from me with her husband and their small child. I have lived across the street from them for three years, now. Her husband is in the National Guard and is deployed for a short time every year. Well, when my grandfather passed away two years ago, she was pregnant and her husband was overseas. She was also studying for an exam during that time. Before Papa passed, I was over there all the time, making sure she was comfortable and not too lonely. We would go out to eat or cook dinner all of the time. Well, my Papa passed, and I was out of town for a week. I left when they called us to the hospital and he died while I was home. She didn't come to the funeral and we are best friends. When I came home, she didn't so much as call me. I sat alone in my house, an emotional wreck. I didn't want to be a burden, so I did not call. I just wanted her to come over and hug me. It never happened.
Now, her child is 20 months old, and her husband is home, and it seeme like I am always being beckoned for something. Babysitting, running to the store, picking up the baby from daycare...but no one ever asks how I am. They don't know that I still struggle. I feel like I give them everything I have, because they are my best friends, and I get nothing in return. I am angry about this, and it has just kept building up inside me. What should I do?
One of my best friends lives across the street from me with her husband and their small child. I have lived across the street from them for three years, now. Her husband is in the National Guard and is deployed for a short time every year. Well, when my grandfather passed away two years ago, she was pregnant and her husband was overseas. She was also studying for an exam during that time. Before Papa passed, I was over there all the time, making sure she was comfortable and not too lonely. We would go out to eat or cook dinner all of the time. Well, my Papa passed, and I was out of town for a week. I left when they called us to the hospital and he died while I was home. She didn't come to the funeral and we are best friends. When I came home, she didn't so much as call me. I sat alone in my house, an emotional wreck. I didn't want to be a burden, so I did not call. I just wanted her to come over and hug me. It never happened.
Now, her child is 20 months old, and her husband is home, and it seeme like I am always being beckoned for something. Babysitting, running to the store, picking up the baby from daycare...but no one ever asks how I am. They don't know that I still struggle. I feel like I give them everything I have, because they are my best friends, and I get nothing in return. I am angry about this, and it has just kept building up inside me. What should I do?
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Main / Re: Hopes & Dreams
« on: June 01, 2007, 02:46:27 PM »
I had some hopes and dreams for my Papa and I. One thing that I have always wanted to do my entire life was to be a teacher. Later in life, that turned into wanting to be a coach, as well. My Papa was a sports fanatic. I found out just a few years before he died that he was actually a football "legend" in our hometown. Old men still talk about his football skills at the Dairy Queen in the morning over coffee. One day, my Papa gave me his actual football helmet that he wore when he played in High School. He gave me a picture that had been published in the newspaper when he was playing of him running the ball. He was a great running back, but unfortunately he ruined his knee and couldn't go on to college ball. Anyway, he told me this story and also said that he was so proud of me for chasing my dream of coaching and teaching. He just knew that I was going to be great. When I got my job teaching and coachin three years ago, I had to move away from my Papa. He was so ill, and I just knew that he didn't have long. As a matter of fact, he only made it about 9 months after I moved away. He never got to see me coach a game. He didn't get to attend my college graduation (I was the first in my family to graduate college). He will not be there on my wedding day, whenever that may be, and he will not hold my children and show them the love that he gave me. It's funny that you posted this, Jazzgirl. I haven't thought about some of this stuff in a while. Man, I miss him!!!
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Main / Summer blues already
« on: June 01, 2007, 02:33:41 PM »
Being a teacher, I just started my summer break. I have so much time on my hands, and that leaves room for lots of thoughts to come flooding back. Memorial Day was especially hard. I had my parents here to visit that weekend, but they left fairly early on Monday. I went to the store and I drove by the cemetery and saw all of the American flags. My papa was a veteran. Tears filled my eyes as I drove past. I miss him. I miss going by to see him on days like Memorial Day, and eating cantaloupe. I know that is weird, but there was always some in the fridge over there during the summer months. I miss him clicking his teeth and saying, "Hey, kid!" I miss him grabbing me as I walked by his big green recliner. I miss him hugging and not letting go and calling me a "lazy outfit" and saying "Oh, Bears!!!! What are we going to do now?!?" He had a million of those little sayings that come back to me from time to time. I miss all of us grandaughters sitting in his lap and putting barrettes in his hair while he was watching Hee-Haw. Remember that show? I miss those days. They were simpler. I miss those days, sitting on the back porch and building a birdhouse or "fixing" the lawn mower. I wish I could go back. I would hug him and kiss him three times as much.
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Main / Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« on: May 11, 2007, 01:17:22 PM »
Wow, Lisa!!! That would be so hard to deal with. I have faced some depression and suicidal thoughts in my time, and I can agree with the others that it is a sickness.
I recently lost my granddad, who was like a father to me. It will take time, but it does get easier. The pain won't go away, but it will fade. You won't forget what happened, but it will also fade. Take it one day at a time and know that you have friends here to help you through.
I recently lost my granddad, who was like a father to me. It will take time, but it does get easier. The pain won't go away, but it will fade. You won't forget what happened, but it will also fade. Take it one day at a time and know that you have friends here to help you through.
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Why is it that we hurt more over our losses when we have bad days?!?! I have been going through some things at work for the past couple of days. That is why I haven't had the energy to get on here and post much. I am currently teaching in a school that is a less that positive place to work. I just notified my boss that I am seeking employment elsewhere. He is unhappy with me, because he is already losing 90% of his staff, and now I, his "best teacher", am leaving, too.
I just need a change in my life, something different. This old negative job of mine just brings me down. On top of that, it is that time of year when I really, really miss my pa-pa. I went to his grave the other day. Sometimes, I just need to be close to him. I know he is not there anymore but, it seems like the only place I can get close to him sometimes. I feel stuck in a hole that I can't get out of. I really want to move forward and get on with my life.
I just need a change in my life, something different. This old negative job of mine just brings me down. On top of that, it is that time of year when I really, really miss my pa-pa. I went to his grave the other day. Sometimes, I just need to be close to him. I know he is not there anymore but, it seems like the only place I can get close to him sometimes. I feel stuck in a hole that I can't get out of. I really want to move forward and get on with my life.
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Main / Re: Im so angry
« on: May 03, 2007, 04:36:25 PM »
laurenE, I hope you find some way to be at peace with your situation. It is so hard to understand people. I have never been in your situation and cannot tell you where to start, but I can say that I hope it all works out for you. Oh, and you are not alone! I will be here for you to "scream" at online. I will listen. My thoughts are with you tonight.
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Thanks, Lonnie. Although it may seem like I am just torn apart, I was really happy and sad to hear his voice. I had both emotions running wild at the same time. I was so happy to hear him that my heart leapt. He just had that sound in his voice of total joy. He was such a prakster. At the end, in his own special way, he just said, "...at the sound of the tone, LAY IT ON ME!!!!!" It really was kind of funny. Made me chuckle a little bit. I have probably heard it a million times, but it was different this time, because he is gone now. God, I loved him so much!!!
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I called my grandmother today to invite her to go to dinner and a movie this weekend. She and I don't see each other as often as I would like, since my Pa-Pa died. I moved to another city right before his death, and that makes it hard for me to see her. Anyway, I called her up and she wasn't home. The answering machine picked up, and there was Pa-pa. His voice is still on the machine. I guess she has just always picked up before. I lost it. I cried and cried, after I hung up the phone in complete shock. Emotions came pouring in, as I heard his voice on the other end. I miss him so much. I look at his pictures everyday, but I feel him fading from my memory sometimes. Even though I see his pictures everyday, I have forgotten his smell and his hugs. Hearing his voice brought it all back for just a brief moment. It was a bittersweet moment for me, especially after the day of teaching that I had at school. Now, I just feel numb. Anyone thoughts?
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Main / Re: Denial
« on: April 30, 2007, 03:22:38 PM »
Hope, you're feelings of guilt are normal. I know what you are feeling, although my decision was not near as hard as yours. I was in my Pa-pa's room the day he died. I watched him go. My grandmother was lying next to him, praying in his ear as he was fighting for his last breaths due to his severe pneumonia. All he could do was stare at me, as he rasped away. I knew exactly what he wanted, but I couldn't do it. He wanted me to talk to him and hold his hand. He was a very touchy, felly grandpa. I don't mean that in a bad way. He just had to run his hands through your hair, or hold your hand, or simply just be leaning on you. He was just that kind of guy. I remember having to hold him up, because the stroke he had years ago took his ability to balance himself. Instead of feeling defeated, he would just pretend that he was hugging you. Anyway, I stood there by his bed, frozen with fear that he was going to go any second. His eyes were locked on mine for what seemed like hours. I just stood there. I wouldn't cry, because I knew it would break his heart, but I also could not utter a word. I could not move a muscle to get closer to him. I was in total panic of what to do, although I knew exactly what to do. Soon after, I left the room to help my family make some decisions about what to tell the other grandkids. I didn't even say goodbye to him. I just left, as his eyes followed me out. He died moments later and it has been very hard to deal with. I know your guilt. I understand it. I have just begun to realize that sometimes, things are a lot easier in hindsight. You know what they say about hindsight, it's 20-20 and crystal clear, but in the moment, it is so foggy that we cannot see the answers. Give yourself a break and realize that your are human and that everything happens for a reason. You are in my prayers.
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Main / Re: Thank you
« on: April 30, 2007, 03:06:19 PM »
I am here any time you want to talk. I have no idea what it is to lose a mother, but I know what I would be going through if I had lost here. Message me anytime. 
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Main / Re: My Pa-Pa.
« on: April 30, 2007, 03:04:59 PM »
Thanks for all of the encouraging words, Lonnie and Hope. I really appreciate it. It is a hard thing for me to open up and share these things, but it seems so much easier here. I guess that is because I don't know any of you, and you aren't staring back at me with judgemental eyes. You know? The loss that we go through is just terrible. I am reading about the losses that you all are facing and it kills me. I forget about my own loss thinking of how you all must be dealing with this. I am so fortunate to have my parents and three of my grandparents left to love and be with on a regular basis. I thank God for that everyday. I also thank God for unexpected friends who pop up around every corner to go through this with me. Thanks for the support. I will do my best to reciprocate.
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Ok. I am new to this whole thing. I have been suffering from a great deal of depression since I lost my grandfather in 2005. I am 27 years old, and he and I were very close. I have read countless postings about people and their losses, all of which seem so much harder than mine. I have read about encoutners with passed loved ones in dreams, reality, and somewhere in between (I have had some of those, by the way).
I guess what I am trying to say is...I am having a hard time finding someone in my everyday life to talk to about the loss of my pa-pa, because they all think that I should be over it by now. We just had his 2 year d-day on Wednesday. It was a hard day, but I couldn't tell anyone why. I have a friend who suggested that I see a therapist, or at least find a web chat to talk about things that are going on in my head. I cry at random times. I write poetry and music. I have had flash-backs of the last days of his life, when I was at the hospital with him. I have lost contact with family members, due to my anger over some issues that occurred when he passed away. I am a different person, now. I don't know how to move on.
I have recently been having a lot of dreams with Papa in them. Sometimes, they are about him still being alive, and others, he is just not there, and I can't find him. I have had awake moments where I think he is there with me, as well. One time, I was lying down, because my back hurt, and I felt a hand on my back. I just knew it was him or God. Am I a total weirdo for feeling that?!?! Another time, I was in the dentist chair, waiting on the dr. to come in, and I heard the suction going in another room. I instantly went back to the day that my papa was dying. I was in the hospital room with him, and my grandmother was using the suction hose in his mouth to keep him from choking. I relived the whole thing again, and then the dentist came in. It was what I believe to be a flashback. I don't know how to get past these moments in my life. I just can't believe that he is really gone.
I guess what I am trying to say is...I am having a hard time finding someone in my everyday life to talk to about the loss of my pa-pa, because they all think that I should be over it by now. We just had his 2 year d-day on Wednesday. It was a hard day, but I couldn't tell anyone why. I have a friend who suggested that I see a therapist, or at least find a web chat to talk about things that are going on in my head. I cry at random times. I write poetry and music. I have had flash-backs of the last days of his life, when I was at the hospital with him. I have lost contact with family members, due to my anger over some issues that occurred when he passed away. I am a different person, now. I don't know how to move on.
I have recently been having a lot of dreams with Papa in them. Sometimes, they are about him still being alive, and others, he is just not there, and I can't find him. I have had awake moments where I think he is there with me, as well. One time, I was lying down, because my back hurt, and I felt a hand on my back. I just knew it was him or God. Am I a total weirdo for feeling that?!?! Another time, I was in the dentist chair, waiting on the dr. to come in, and I heard the suction going in another room. I instantly went back to the day that my papa was dying. I was in the hospital room with him, and my grandmother was using the suction hose in his mouth to keep him from choking. I relived the whole thing again, and then the dentist came in. It was what I believe to be a flashback. I don't know how to get past these moments in my life. I just can't believe that he is really gone.
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