suddenly and totally unexpected

[to young to be a widow]

hi karen--i will be gone for a couple of days--another funeral to attend which i dont know how i am going to get through it

[closs86]

So sorry, what happened now? this is unbelieveable, I hope that you are OK, please let us know when you are home
Hugs Karen

[jaxsaint]

Penny,
I'm having similar experiences.  I don't feel Joe anymore.  The first month I felt him all the time.  I feel so alone without him.  The only time I really feel him anymore is when I play what was to be our wedding song.  We used to dance around the apartment to Neil Young "Harvest Moon."  When I play it I feel him dancing with me, but I also cry.   I still can't believe I finally found my perfect partner and he was taken away from me. 

Three months was nerely impossible, four isn't that much better, but I'm trying my best.  I guess that is all we can do.  I try to think I have to carry on for him even if I don't want to for myself.  I wish I had something profound to say to make it all better.

I hope you get through this newest sorrow.  My thoughts are with you.

Jackie

[to young to be a widow]

Hi Karen and Jackie,

this world just sucks--on top of being so lonely and miserable from losing fred on a daily basis--i got a call telling me that a former sister-law was killed in a car accident--made my way across state to go her funeral--with several unwanted obstacles along the way such as having the fire dept. called at a gas station and having a ride in the back of a police car--there was an object in the road and it made a hole in my gas tank--then ended up sitting at auto repair shop for 5.5 hours--made the mistakeof going where i had lost my husband--and it just sent me backwards again--never made it to the actual funeral--but waited outside for people to come out--and then to find out that the sister-in-laws mother just passed after her funeral--and then to find out that my sister was taking to the ER also that day--they said it was kidney stones and sent her home

i should have never of went--i am so miserable now--i just want my life to end--for i really feel as though no one really cares what happens to me anyways--and for some reason if anything would ever happen to me--no one would even know for days

penny

[poppy]

Penny, It does seem like we are getting hit from all sides sometimes.
It always helps me when I am able to be there for someone else. That is what you were doing by going to the funeral. I hope you find some peace in the selfless act you did by supporting your family.

[closs86]

Hi Penny
  OMG, what is going on?, that is just crazy, talk about everything at once, I am so sorry that you had so much trouble, I just don't understand why we have to endure all this pain and suffering,  My heart goes out to you and your family,
Take care
Karen

[jaxsaint]

Penny,

I'm so sorry.  When Joe was in the hospital my uncle had a heart attack.  I remember that feeling like the worst has already happened, but can't we all get a break. 

We are here.  We would know you were missing.  The same way we know Leo is missing.

My thoughts, for whatever they are worth, are with you.

Jackie

[to young to be a widow]

karen and jackie,

this has been another week from he_ _--on top of all this pain from losing fred so unexpectly--nothing ever seems to go right for me at all--from the insurance companies--to VA office and everything else in between--and to top it all off it is another saturday--it is so miserable being here with out fred--i love and miss him so much--it seems that all i do now is cry and cry and cry--and even though my family lives quite a distance away--i have one sister that now isnt speaking to me at all because she didnt want to hear the truth about fred's funeral not being about her--for she sat in front of the funeral home--acting as though fred was her husband and not once did she ever come to my side to give me any support--while i stood there alone

penny

[jaxsaint]

Penny,
I don't know if things will ever feel "right" again.  I feel like every aspect of this is flat out wrong.  Almost like for every step I take there is another obstacle and sometimes a landmine waiting to happen.
Navigating our way through family is difficult to say the least.  Everything I read suggests keeping communication, but at the same time keeping negativity away.  I'm blessed to have a large extended family that I'm close to and I've even managed to repair a lot of my relationship with my dad.  He's been really wonderful through this.  I'm trying very hard to maintain a relationship with Joe's family as they are all I have left.
I hope your sister is able to understand your feelings and better respond to your needs.  Sometimes when I tell my family how I feel and what I need from a place of vulnerablity they are better able to respond.  May things get easier for all of us.

Jackie

[closs86]

Hi Penny and Jackie,
    I know that family can sometimes be not so understanding, I hope that you and your sister can come to a good place and understanding.
  Jackie you are lucky to have a large family that is understanding, I have my 2 sons, they have been really good through this whole disaster, but they are busy with their families and kind of drifted away over the last month, it is not their fault it is perfectly normal, but i am so alone, i feel terrible, I miss johnny so much, there are no words to express.
   I met some friends today in SI, went to the tibetan museum, and then to a nice restaurant, guess what mine and Johnny's song comes on, I almost fainted, I can't believe it, it is an old song what are the chances. it made me feel so depressed. I don;t understand.
Take care
Karen

[to young to be a widow]

Hi Karen and Jackie,

karen it is so nice that you able to go out and be with freinds--but it is so hard for me to get out--i still have panic attacks and they dont seem to go away

jackie--my family and i arent really close and you would think with me losing fred that we would have become closer but we didnt--the sister i am having trouble with has bi-polar and if things arent about her--she wants to make people more miserable than what they already are--she is the one who always has to be the center of attention--but such is life

i just dont understand this world anymore--we are given love and then boom just like that it is taking away from us--how are we suppose to cope with this--for i know i am not coping very well at all--i miss fred so much and it is so hard to be here without him--why do we have to endure this lonlely life without our loved ones by our sides where they are suppose to be--i just dont understand this at all

penny

[closs86]

Hi Penny and Jackie,
       Penny, I was to the counselor today for the second visit, she stresses how important it is to have a network, and to not stay home alone, it is so bad for us to do that, she told me to push myself, because i told her that I never really wanted to go, i always forced myself, and she said that we should force ourselves.  All I know is when I got home today I had the strength and energy of superwoman, I went down the basement and really attacked it and threw tons of stuff out, heavy stuff, I didn't even feel it, I think it has something to do with my emotions.
      Jackie, How are you?. We will never feel the same again, we are different people now, half of what we were, I hate it, and would love to join johnny, but what do we do?, I just don't know.
Take care
Hugs
Karen

[to young to be a widow]

hi karen,

i just dont have to strength right now to force myself to do anything--just going to work take sup to much energy on my behalf--i have been going for a drive at night just to get out of the house for a little while--but it doesnt help--for i come home to an empty house--to a lonely--empty home--i dont belong in this world anymore--thats why i just dont understand as to why i am still here--yes its been another bad again--nothing can ever go right--i cant even make it 4 hours without something else going wrong in my life

penny

[to young to be a widow]

its another bad bad bad day--i love and miss fred so much--i just want to be with him--i really dont want to be here anymore--this is toture being here with out him--this life really stinks with out him--i honestly and truley dont know how much longer i can go on without fred since he was my world--my strength--my everything--and some people just dont understand what i am going through--especially with fred leaving me so unexpectly--we were suppose to come home together not apart--i just dont belong in this world anymore

[closs86]

Hi Penny
    I know how much it hurts, I can't even breath at times, I also depended on my husband for so many things, we were always together, didn't have many friends. it was just us, we loved each other more than anything, so believe me I know, it does feel like I can't go on always, but I try to push myself into things, or I will just give up, and I know that Johnny would not want me to give up.  We will be together again, but we have to wait until it is time. Fred is with you all the time, don't you feel him, do you see signs from him, I know that you want to see him, feel him, touch him, but right now we can't,  but know that someday we will be with them again, our love will last forever, it will never change. I hope you can find some strength, and peace, ask Fred to help you and he will.
Take care
hugs
Karen