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Crisis, Grief, and Healing => Main => Topic started by: sliding on May 28, 2008, 11:23:12 AM
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I am four months into my life without my precious husnband. I need someone to tell me how to endure this pain. I fell like I am going to die! I have no desire to be here without him. He died of esophageal cancer. It was a shock and very quick. It was 7 months of agony for him. I havelost my faith and I don't know here my husband is and that just makes me so awfully sad.
I hope someone can help me out there and tell me how I cna get through this..
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I am so sorry for your loss, I know how you feel, my husband died 4 months after been diagnosed, I was in shock trying to understand what had happened.
Do you have someone you could talk to, someone to help you with things? I remember going around and around and wanting night to come for if I could fall asleep it was no pain for a few hours, I was unable to find energy or motivation until I found a widow group, it did not take the pain away however it helped me.
Some of the people in the group were further in their grief journey and gave me so much support, they were angels, please see if there is such a group where you live.
You have to try and be gentle with yourself, grief has many stages and at time we think we cannot go on, that we do not belong, we feel alien to the world and the friends we knew, all this is part of grieving, just take ione step at a time, try to do one thing at a time and if you do not manage to do it, well it does not matter, tomorrow or the day after may be in a week you will.
My thoughts are with you
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I 'm so sorry for your loss .I lost my husband 4 months ago to bladder cancer on Jan 12th 2008 . I'm having an awful time getting myself motivated to do things and I feel lost
so I know what you are going thru . I'm sending you my prayers and hope for you to get through it .JoANN
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Everybody here understands what you are experincing. It is so awlful to have to watch a husband wither away to cancer, itīs been years ago for me but I still canīt believe that my husband who was so fit and health conscious could have died from stomach cancer. To me he was invincible, was always sure Iīd go first as I was never in the shape he was in and now I canīt believe I have lived over 6 years alone, thought Iīd drop from it all. Having this website to come to, to feel not so all alone has helped me so much, itīs a good thing youīve come here. You can pour out your feelings here. Thinking of you, Patty
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I forgot to add something. You said you didnīt know where your husband is.... he is in your heart now, your souls are still together. Patty
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I have been a widow for 5 years this August due to cancer. It seems like only yesterday that my husband was here with me. Even though I am moving a part of my life forward, there is still a big part I have not. If I only had a dime for everytime a friend asked me if I was going to move or sell my car, I would be swimming in coins. For me, I have not dated and just am not ready. That is okay, too. I know that I don't need to do anything that I am uncomfortable at doing and that to me is a comfort.
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Sliding; I am so sorry for the loss of your precious husband. It is still so very early and the fog has not lifted yet. I lost my husband, my soul mate 1 yr ago and at times I still can't believe it has happened. Just know that grief work is hard work---and you can't rush the process--it's not healthy to rush it. You have to take small baby steps and sometimes you feel you're not moving at all. I remember I did not want to move forward, into a new life without my husband. I wanted to go back--not ever leave the place where we were together. All the questions come--why am I still here? --how can I ever be happy again? I would pray and ask God to take me too.These feelings are very normal. Just be patient and gentle with yourself. Griefwork is not only mentally exhausting, but is physically exhausting as well. I ordered books from amazon.com on the subject, read my Bible and other encouraging books, listened to music and talked about it with close family and friends. It helped me not to think too far into the future about my life without my husband--but just to pray for strength to make it one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers go out to you that God will send His love, peace and comfort to you today.
Joann: I am sorry also for you loss. You too are so early in this journey. May God give you and all of us grace and strength on this difficult journey. I look forward to the day when we will be reunited with our loved ones and death will be no more.
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I feel so bad for you. I wish I could ease your pain. I just found this site today. I too am a widower (is that the word for a man?). My wife died on May 21 of lung cancer. We were married 25 years. We truly loved each other. I can't say I know how you feel but I bet its similar to how I feel. And I wouldn't want anyone else to feel like this. I hope we can both find some peace...
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I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
I do not know the pain of losing a spouse, and I don't even want to go there....
My husband and I have loved each other for over 35 years, and I know I would feel pain like know other if I lost him.
I can only Pray for you, that each day and night becomes easier to bear.... your tears turn into smiles....remembering all the good times you shared
Your memories become warmer....not full of sorrow.
I agree so much with Patty, your Husband lives with-in your heart.
When you see the sun rise think of him.
When you hear the birds sing, think of him.
When you see the flowers bloom it is your husband forever in your heart.
He will always be with you just as the sun rises, the birds sings, and the flowers blooms.
I know at this moment it seems so hard of a task to accomplish... but it is possible with the help of God.....he has Not forsaken you.
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take .... but by the moments that take our breaths away"
Sweetpea
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SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS IT IS TRUELY A VERY HARD THING TO DEAL WITH TOMMOROW MAKES A MONTH FOR ME AND EVERY HOUR I GET CLOSER TO IT I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP MY WHOLE BODY HURTS I CANT SLEEP I EAT VERY LITTLE AND WHEN I DO I DONT THINK I EVEN TASTE IT AS FOR THE FAITH PART I HAVENT LOST IT IM JUST MORE CONFUSED THAN I WAS BEFORE ABOUT IT ALOT MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS REGARDING THE SPIRITUAL PART OF THINGS WHAT DO YOU THINK?WELL I HOPE THIS PLACE HELPS YOU IT HAS STARTED TO HELP ME BUT I FEEL MY JOURNEY MAY BE A LONG ONE
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Don W: Absolutely nothing prepares you for such a great loss. I am so sorry that you too are on this journey which none of us ever wanted to take with the loss of your precious wife. I lost my soul mate of 31 yrs a year ago. It is still hard for me to believe he is really gone. It is still so early for you. Just try to eat a little something, drink fluids and rest whenever you can. Grieving is hard work, it is physically as well and mentally exhausting. I ordered a lot of grief books dealing with the loss of a spouse from amazon.com. I read a lot of scripture and books for encouragement during dark days. These helped. It helped to talk about it with others who were understanding--esp who had been through a deep loss. This website helped me tremendously...I always felt like those who posted here really understood what I was going through. Hold on to your faith in God--pray and tell Him all your feelings---He lost His Son on the cross too. Death is an enemy and the Bible says it will one day be destroyed. I look forward to that day when we will be reunited with our loved ones again. This journey is a slow process--but just take one day at a time--you can't rush it--that wouldn't be healthy. Praying for comfort and peace to be yours today.
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I felt comforted reading this whole thread. I miss my best friend.
Don W. I also just spent the fourth Saturday 11:25p.m. and I appreciated your post about your head exploding- head, heart, entire world is shattered by grief.
THANK YOU to all who wrote these posts as this is so hard. Terri
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Hi Sliding, and I am sorry for the death of your husband. On June 14, it was 4 months ago that my wife Betty died. It seems like 4 hours ago then again it seem like 4 years ago. I do some counseling and I attend a monthly grief group both of which are beneficial for me. I call family members to talk and I try to attend community events mostly to be out and amongst people. I eat as healthy as I can and I exercise but the sadness and lonliness are still strong with me. If you can look back a couple of months, you may see that some of the pain is not as severe as it was. I to take a sleeping pill so I can get some sleep but I don't take any other medication. It is ok to use an antidepressant if you want to. No words can stop the sadness and lonliness and anxiety but they do take your mind off it for a little while. there is some benefit to feeling like you are not totally alone in grief.
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The first few months are the worst. The fog lifts and you realize you're alone and have to deal with all the fallout. Life isn't fair. You didn't do anything to deserve what you got. You're angry with your spiritual being. you're angry with everyone.
The best thing is to be with people who understand what you're feeling and aren't afraid to let you talk and to listen. It's good to share your feelings with people who let you share and aren't afraid of emotions. Whether in a bereavement group, grief therapist, minister, fellow widow/ers, or good family/friends, it's good to be able to talk about your spouse and your anger and grief. So many people try to change the subject when you want to talk about that stuff that it makes you feel guilty. This site is a good place to share and know people will understand. Sometimes we need a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
The memories will always be there. I'm working on a scrap book and will give it to my daughter whenever I get finished with it so she will know her father as someone more than her dad and so his legacy will live on in her. I will be so sad though whenever she has her first child because he so wanted to be a grandfather. I know he's happy though and imagine him hanging around with his old friends and uncles and father and Elvis!
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Last Tuesday was 18 months for me and it seems like yesterday and a life time ago all mixed up. I had given up going to church years ago as Sunday was our only time together as R. was a workaholic. I started back to church that first Sunday and have leaned on God ever since, as well as any other help I could find.
I agree that grief work is very hard , but oh so worth the journey. As time moves on I am moving with it at my own pace. Please be gentle with yourself and take the time you need. I still journal, write letters to my honey, and am so grateful to my friends who will listen to the same stories over and over and are willing to talk about what he ment to them.
I still have days that i am over come with grief, but they don't come as often and don't last or hurt as bad.
For those of you just starting this journey, the posts are all good information. Please know that you are not alone and lord knows I have come here for alot of love and support.
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Hi Sliding,
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand where you are coming from. My father died a month and a half ago of esophageal cancer too. He was only diagnosed 9 months before he passed. He was only 53 years old. I am too having trouble with my faith and the whole idea of death. It is a very surreal feeling. I know he isnt suffering anymore and I want to believe he is in a better place, but I still feel the best place for him to be is here with my mom, me and my 3 brothers. I know that is a very selfish thought, but I think it goes with the whole grieving process. The things I have been doing to get me through the day are talking about him with my fiance a lot, going to his grave every other day to talk to him, and spending time with my mom. Sometimes I can't do any of those things, but they do help when I am feeling a breakdown coming. I also try to look at pictures, so I can remember all of the good times and not the last few weeks of his life. I know those terrible memories of his last few days will haunt me for a long time, but I am trying very hard to cover-up that memory with the good ones we had. I think as time goes on we fear we will forget all that we have been through with that person, but as long as you do things to hold on to the memories you will never forget him.
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I know how you feel. I watched my wife of 33 years take her last breath on June 27th. Stomach cancer. 9 months trying to win the battle when we knew from the beginning that it was stage 4. My wife and I never admitted to not winning the battle. Right up to the last few days, my wife kept trying to live. Poor girl spent most all of her time in the hospital since January.
My wife was in perfect health and was only 56. But while I suffer in extreme emotional pain with all their variations, I try to remember how strong my wife was and how she always said to me...this is the hand that was dealt to us so we need to play it out. So i try to vision her horrible battle compared to mine...she showed me strength...and somehow I need to draw on that and find a new purpose in life.
Everything means little and is insignificant. Crying erupts without notice. My job....hate it but am trying. Travel a lot but only for a few days at a time. Just came to CA for a week...guess what...I've spent all my time in the hotel room crying as all I want to do is get back home...she feels so far away and I need to go home and hide. That's just how I feel...but I know tomorrow I'll start the day with a cry yet resolve to push myself to defeat this inner demon. My wife hardly ever cried even during her worst periods...so I need to follow in those footsteps. Won't be easy...never will....but without meeting this challenge up front....I'd have no reason to live....and many days I cry asking GOD to take me...then I stop and think...no not yet...I need to prepare for it and give this world one last ounce of effort to see if I can make a difference.
Hope these experiences of others help you during your critical periods. I too am going a grief group next month. Go to this site http://www.griefshare.org/ (http://www.griefshare.org/) and then search to see if there is a group in your area...there should be. Don't know if it will....put I'm willing to try everything to help me through this. This site has been a great start for me.
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Newly Widowed, I am so sorry for you loss, I lost my husband 14 mos. ago to lung cancer. He fought for a yr. and was in and out of the hospital. In the end he begged me to just let him go home and he would get better. So from May 30 until June 12 we sat with him and talked to him and tryed to stay with him 24/7, we had hospice so that helped. I held him in my arms as he died and in a way it was peaceful because I knew he wasn't in pain anymore. Than I began my own battle with the horrible desease cancer, but without my Jerry with me I did cry and wish I could have gone with him, but you know what I have found out it does get better and you will always have him in your heart forever. I have decided that life is to precious and if Jerry even thought I felt the way I did about letting go he would probably give me a swift kick in the behind. So from someone that is now past the year mark, I will tell you it does become easier and not as painful. You have to take care of yourself and I am thinking of you. You wonder where he is, he's with you.
Donna
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I know just how you feel... I'm in so much pain. I lost my husband 2 months ago from a heart attack. I'm beyond heartbroken. I am amazed that I can be in so much pain and agony and I am still alive. I have begged God to take me to him.... but He leaves me in this misery. I'm only 55 (my husband was 56) and with my luck I'll live to be 90.