Hi,
It's been a while since I have posted. I still read though, and think about you all. It's just been very hard to post, even after all these 7 years!
This was in a newsletter and wanted to share it
A Time More Than Ever
When a couple is faced with the death of a child,
great care must be taken to avoid the subsequent death
of a relationship. It can happen very easily as a predict-
able outcome resulting from the emotional stresses and
strains caused by the death of a child.
One partner can be facing uncontrollable sadness
and depression resulting in constant tears and not want-
ing to do anything or go anywhere. It may be too much
to even get out of bed, eat a meal, or go to work. They
may feel that life has ended or is no longer worth living.
If there are other children, there may be a will to live or
a need to continue on, but not without additional pres-
sures nor never ending sadness.
The other partner can be living with anger and ques-
tions of „why our child?‟ They may be trying to be the
rock who keeps the relationship and family on the path
of normalcy. It‟s like any other problem, in that, you
find a workable solution and make the best of a bad
situation. Life must go on for the relationship, marriage,
family or whatever.
Everyone is saddened by the death of a child. The
degrees of sadness may differ at times, with time, and
over time. It seems that a couple is on a "sadness" con-
tinuum, Shortly after the death of a child, both partners
are in the depths of the "sadness" continuum. As the
days, months and years pass, there is movement up and
down along this "sadness" continuum. One partner is
up a little and the other is not. It‟s a good day when the
couple are both feeling a little „up‟ but never to a
euphoric state of happiness. Individually, there may be
isolated incidents where genuine happiness trumps the
deep sadness, but never to the extent of forgetting. Un-
fortunately, that is never going to happen.
The key point seems to be that both partners must be
conscious of the need to support each other. When one
partner slips down on the depths of the "sadness" con-
tinuum, the other must recognize, understand, support
and comfort that person back to an acceptable level of
sadness. An acceptable level of sadness is defined as
being functional in life as a partner, parent, friend, pro-
fessional or occupational worker. That is not to say that
the person is not without sadness, just functional with
life. This is the commitment to the relationship that
must be honored at all costs.
The death of the relationship or marriage comes
when both partners get stuck in the depths of sadness or
at the heights of euphoric happiness. When both part-
ners are stuck in deep, uncontrollable sadness or depres-
sion, professional mental health intervention and therapy
is needed. While a positive outcome is possible with
professional help, it seems like the root cause, that being
the death of a child, will never go away.
It seems that it is like two partners who are recover-
ing from an addiction of alcohol or drugs and who can
in fact live a clean life together. This is the exception
rather than the rule. It takes an extraordinary commit-
ment every day on the part of each partner to make it
work.
And so now may be „a time more than ever‟ that you
understand the sadness" continuum and commitment
necessary to avoiding the death of a relationship.
Sue *Sara's* Mom
Topic: Couple faced with loss of a child (Read 3529 times)
