Tuesday's Question-Holiday Music

[John-Danielle Marie's Daddy]

Dear Friends,
I will post a thought-provoking question(s) related to some aspect of our beloved child’s life/death. This may help several bereaved parents express feelings and emotions that we may not be able to express alone.

REMEMBER: There is no RIGHT or WRONG answers…only what each of us feels during these terrible times in our lives.

The questions we are discussing now are about the way you have handled your holidays in the past. This will be a good opportunity for our wonderful 'older' bereaved parents to share their experiences, suggestions, problems, etc. to some of us “newly” bereaved parents.

Today, we will address the issue of holiday MUSIC.

QUESTIONS:
1.   What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?
2.   Before your son or daughter died, did you listen to holiday music together? Did you sing holiday songs together? Did you attend church and hear Christmas carols? Do you have any special memories about holiday music connected with your son or daughter?
3.   Since your son or daughter died, does holiday music affect you? Do you seek it out? Do you avoid it? How does it make you feel to hear Christmas carols now?
4.   Do you think that it would be better for you to avoid all Christmas or holiday music - or not?
5.   If listening to holiday music is too upsetting to people, what can you suggest to help them cope?

My answers/comments:

1. What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?
John / my daughter is Danielle Marie

2. Before your son or daughter died, did you listen to holiday music together?
Yes, Danielle loved holiday music. WE listened to it almost everyday of the holiday season. She even performed in a holiday concert with the school orchestra and sang with the children’s group in our church.

 Did you sing holiday songs together?
Yes, either in church or at home

 Did you attend church and hear Christmas carols?
Yes, we attended a special program at our church each year to listen to our choir perform and watch the children’s Christmas Pageant.

Do you have any special memories about holiday music connected with your son or daughter?
Danielle LOVED Christmas music. On the day that we would put up our tree, we would play Christmas music all day. Danielle had several of her own Christmas CDs and OF COURSE; the day would not be complete without listening to those.

3. Since your son or daughter died, does holiday music affect you? So far…not too bad. I don’t know how it will affect me later in the season.
Do you seek it out? Not Really, Do you avoid it? You can’t sometimes. You just tone it out.
 How does it make you feel to hear Christmas carols now?
Danielle always sang with the Girl Scouts on our town green performing Christmas carols. I will never be able to listen to certain songs again without seeing her sing with her friends.

4. Do you think that it would be better for you to avoid all Christmas or holiday music - or not?
I really don’t know yet…

5. If listening to holiday music is too upsetting to people, what can you suggest to help them cope?
I really don’t know yet…I guess just don’t. Play another favorite tape, CD or radio station that is more to your liking and mood.

[Dena]

1.   What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?

Dena - Josh is my son

2.   Before your son or daughter died, did you listen to holiday music together? Did you sing holiday songs together? Did you attend church and hear Christmas carols? Do you have any special memories about holiday music connected with your son or daughter?

We listened to all kinds of Christmas/holiday music.  One year in particular stands out as we all went to a local church for Christmas Eve services.  They held a particpation service in which they discussed the birth of Jesus and had each of the children play a part.  Josh & his sister Jenni went forward and sang carols with the rest of the young kids.

3.   Since your son or daughter died, does holiday music affect you? Do you seek it out? Do you avoid it? How does it make you feel to hear Christmas carols now? 

I turn the carols off when they come on the radio.  It depresses me and some make me cry everytime I hear them.  I will listen to holiday music, but only on Christmas Day.


4.   Do you think that it would be better for you to avoid all Christmas or holiday music - or not?

At this point, I can only say that right now, I avoid it.  I can't say at this point where I will be in a year?


5.   If listening to holiday music is too upsetting to people, what can you suggest to help them cope? 

Listen to radio stations that don't believe that Carols need to be played 24/7 starting the day after Thanksgiving.  Put together a CD of your favorite songs or relaxation music and listen to this whenever possible.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[starynyte]

1.   What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?

Cherri & Chris

2.   Before your son or daughter died, did you listen to holiday music together? Did you sing holiday songs together? Did you attend church and hear Christmas carols? Do you have any special memories about holiday music connected with your son or daughter?

We never really played holiday music, but even up till Chris's teen years, we'd watch Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, and all the other Christmas shows together... how I miss those days! There were a few times we went to Christmas Eve church service together. Our favorite thing to do, ohhhh we DID listen to Christmas music while doing this! We would drive around all the neighborhoods and check out the Christmas lights. We did this a lot, we were poor, and it was free. We'd debate who's display was the best, always scope out new areas to drive around, and old ones each year to see what they had done new with their decorations, and what we remembered from previous years.

3.   Since your son or daughter died, does holiday music affect you? Do you seek it out? Do you avoid it? How does it make you feel to hear Christmas carols now?

I'm pretty indifferent to it... like anything I get sick of hearing the same songs over and over and over again though.

4.   Do you think that it would be better for you to avoid all Christmas or holiday music - or not?

How can anyone avoid it all together? I don't think it's possible.

5.   If listening to holiday music is too upsetting to people, what can you suggest to help them cope?

Try to block it out, it's everywhere.... wish I had some better advice... We can't eradicate it, then we'd be the Grinch and that's not fair to everyone else.