Happy Bday momma

[laurenE]

Happy bday mom.  Last Saturday I visited your grave and took you a balloon.  I bought you a bday cake and shared it with gpa.    Did you feel my tears fall onto your rock as I brushed away the grass?  Did you notice how pretty the flowers and balloon looked in your vase and how they matched dads flowers sitting next to yours?  Did you notice that I was the only one to remember your bday momma? Did you notice that no one else drove to be by your side and I drove 150 miles for you?   

I drove by your house on Sat too,  but it was empty.  There are times when I drive by, and it takes all of my energy to not go knocking on the door to see if you are there.  But this time,  no one was there and it made me feel sad, and yes,  maybe even a little empty.
 
I so wish you were still here mom.  I guess in a way I am still trying to earn your love,  and I suppose I always will.   You leaving me like that,  knowing that you didnt love me,  was the ultimately most cruel thing you could have ever done to me.  I used to think as you were beating me, that you could not possibly do anything worse to me.  But when you died like that, so instantly and suddenly and unexpectidly,  after standing me up for our Mothers Day lunch ,   I knew I was wrong..I found out  that you could and did find yet another way to hurt me even more.   

Iwill never understand.  And I still have a hard time comprehending that now that you are in heaven,  you are no longer mean and cruel.  So many times I pray that you can look down and see how much you hurt me,  can see me sobbing like a child at your grave,  begging for my mommy,  needing my mommy's love,  dying inside just to hear you say "I love you".     So many times I wonder if you can look down at me and find it in your heart to be proud of me.. the kid who grew up with you on welfare,  and now has a graduate degree.  The kid who went through the hell  of running from dad who was drunk,  calling the cops on him ,and hiding til they got there,  and  then later going through the grief of loosing dad  to cancer when you were only 37. and I the young age of 12..and then growing up to be married for 20 yrs to a loving man of God who does not drink and would never ever hit me.  So many times as I sit in church and sing the hymns,  I wonder if you can hear me.  Can you pick out my voice momma?  Are you proud of me for going to church, even at the age of 42?  Or are you still in one of your "you think you are better than everybody b/c you go to church" moods?   Is that even allowed in heaven ?    Are you even there in heaven?  Did you make it there?  You have to be momma,  b/c despite what you did to me,  I can't stand the thought of you living your eternal life in hell.  Not my momma, please no!    Please be there momma.  And when I get there,  please just give me my space and let me come to you, in my time.  Because its gonna take a whole lot of time to be able to trust you.

Anyway momma,  I didnt mean to lecture. I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.   
Oh, and be looking for grandpa.  I have  a feeling he is coming soon.  He has been wonderful to me since you;ve been gone.  So be good to him.  He was the only one there for me.  Be good and love him. 

I love you momma.   See,  I remembered.   Happy bday!

love,
*lauren*

[Irene]

Lauren,
    My thoughts are with you. I hope that the activities you planned around your mom's birthday gave you some peace.

[MommysPreciousAngel]

Wow, Lauren.  I look for your posts and love to read them, because you sound so cool, so composed, and I've wondered if you perhaps studied grief councelling.    I was shocked to read your post, I cannot believe you suffered like that, and at the hands of your mother.  This world really is a crazy place.   Don't really know what to say, except that my admiration for you has just grown tenfold, and I am sorry for what you've been through / are still going through.   And sorry to hear about your Grandpa.  Tammy xxx

[sevenofwands]

Lauren:

I echo what Irene has said.  I hope you find peace. Your mother has surely found the peace she did not have in life.

All the best
Seven

[sevenofwands]

Maybe I could post this link here, as I suppose it has bearing on the topic of mothering.

www.voicelessness.com

Seven

[kevinjj]

Hi Lauren. I think it would have been easy to love you as child and I'm sorry your Mother did not love herself and was not able to love you in return. Darkness is the absence of light and love but it doesn't have any power and control over light and love. You have no real darkness in your life and perhaps that is the ultimate tribute you can pay to your mother. You did not succumb to the darkness and in turn spread more of it around. What you needed from her you have been able to give to those around you and the world is a much better place because of it.

[laurenE]

Thank you all for your kind words.  Sat was kinda sad, but I was able to go about my day yesterday.  I can usually push things aside and then the feelings pour out in my writings.
     Loosing my mother was truely the worst experience. It brought me to my lowest point and took me a good 2 yrs to get through the pain. Thankfully I feel 99.9% fully recoverd from that deep grief.   However, on certain days the memories and feelings do creep up again, such as holidays and bdays.  But NOTHING like 6 yrs ago when she died.   

Precious,
Yes I have studied grief counseling extensively,  but honestly,  I have learned the most by just going through it myself (I always was the type to learn the hard way ).     

 I am successful in my marriage and career,  am usually cool, calm, and collected,   but like many people, still have some shadows of pain and insecurities stemming from childhood that creep up once inawhile.  You would never know it by seeing me. However,  it does show up in my writings at times.

Thanks again everyone for being here.  I love being here for you and get great satisfaction for being a part of your grief journey.  NO ONE should EVER have to walk through grief alone. And I am honored that you have chosen this place to work through your grief.  I will always owe Tom my sanity for providing such a wonderfully safe place for me to write out my pain those first 2 yrs.

Lauren

[Luvinmike]

Hi Lauren- thanks for all you do too. I literally wanted to copy and paste what Kevinjj wrote as I thought it was so well writtten and everyone else's posts too. I never studied grief at all, and I do not think anyone's description could come close to this reality. We have endured a number of significant losses in my family, but for me, this is the big one. The most personal, lonely, heartbreaking time I have ever known. I feel that is a success to get from one day to the next- and then I can't remember how I got there. So- glad you have been able to help others so well, thinking of you. keep writing! Have a peaceful day. Terri

[laurenE]

kevin,

You are a sweetheart.   Thank you. 

[georgiapeaches]

Lauren, that was I think the most powerful post I've read yet. My prayers are with you, I am so sorry for what you had to endure and are probably still enduring in your mind, I wish I could send you my deer. The mommy and the baby are so pretty, there all yours. God Bless you. Happy Birthday to your mom.

Georgia.

[MommysPreciousAngel]

Lauren, I did not doubt that even though you seemed 'cool and composed' that you hadn't endured grief of your own, because if you hadn't, you more than likely would not have been on this site.  The very fact that you write and comfort so many tells a huge story.    You really are someone to look up to and admire and even draw strength from.
I also agree with Kevin, he wrote beautiful words, and I think they definitely apply.
xx Tammy

[Maureen]

Hi Lauren,

I stopped in today to touch base with a place that I will forever be grateful and feel connected. I especially looked for a post from you my dear friend. I am so glad that you went to spend some time at your mama's grave, yet I can tell that you are still so heavy with all that has come before...

You know that am a firm believer that we are never any further away than our human condition restricts. We are always just a breath away from those who we love, and who have gone ahead. Life continues and when we reunite it will be a fresh start. I pray for you, and everyone who comes here who comes her seeking a way to mend broken hearts. This is a very good place to be sure.

Your Mom and Dad unfortunately fell victim to everyday life that each of us who lives our lives each day, attempting to get what we need, experiences at some level. Some people can discern when their behavior is wrong and inflicts pain on others, some only know that it gets them a result that they deeply desire, and never ever get what they inflict on others in the process. I wonder if, especially your mom, who may have needed to feel more in control, and likely really did not feel in control at all, did so at your expense. Her manipulation of you was likely never about you, most likely, and sadly, it may have been all she knew to do to feel some since of control in her life. Even more sad is the fact that she probably inflicted her behavior on you because you never abandoned her, no matter what. Oddly, she felt her safest with you. I suspect others who have distance themselves from you have done so because the truth is more than they can handle.

Lauren, people mess up, and terribly! Just like you have such a difficult time of letting go of the painful past, your mom could not let go of the terrible habits she repeated again and again! They were terrible offenses against you, but I doubt she could ever put them in perspective. It is evident that she was not clear on what was right and/or wrong, or that you don't harm your children to make yourself feel better. You are not less valuable because of what she did, but it will own some part of you until you find a way to let go and forgive, really forgive. 

The horrible human flaws that made your mom be so cruel at times were as a result of a lot of conditions coming together, likely against her will, more importantly without her understanding. Do I think she would have changed if she could, not easily... because she was desperately seeking a result (a feeling). Overbearing behavior, that makes individuals feel in control or superior, is like a drug. They are so desperate to feel a certain feeling that they simply cannot see the carnage they leave behind to get it. You continued to be the devoted loving daughter, so she had every reason to justify and continue her behavior. On the surface she could live with it because you seemed to be okay.                                                                 

You mentioned that you went to see your mom, drove 150 miles, and reminded her that no one else did. Lauren, we have been friends for a while so I am going to candid. I think you made that trip, and gathered up all of the details of it for the wrong reasons. Your did those things so you could use them as a measuring stick, to prove all that you do that is worthy of her love; so much more worthy than the others who were not there through the painful times for her, or you.

Well my sweet sweet friend, you do not have to prove that you are worthy, YOU ARE WORTHY... and always have been! You are  one of the most loving worthy individuals I have ever met. I believe on some level your mom felt it too. Her behavior did not demonstrate it, but it was not her fault, she simply did not have the capacity to see it or do anything about.  I believe that is one of the gifts of heaven, that the garbage of the human condition falls away. The older I get the more I realize how people do the most unusual things to achieve the results they want. If everyone could comprehend the overall impact on others of their actions, we would live a very different world.

On a certain level you may prolong the healing because you are so entrenched in holding on to the painful past. I know it is hard, but no less hard than the behavior that consumed your mom. My prayer for you is that you can find a way to forgive her, and your sisters, and all of the rest of the family who simply do not comprehend the painful events of your life, and who have in large part ignored it or moved past it as a means to survive and live their own lives free of the pain you have endured.

I pray that through this holiday season you find a way to say (and mean it) "Mom, I want you to know that you hurt me more than words can say, and there are times that I hate you for it, but... most important is the fact that I love you, and I know beneath it all you love me. I forgive you for all of the hurtful things you did to me. I know you loved me but were not capable of showing me in the way I needed. Regardless of all that came before, I love you and I embrace the fact that you love me. As of today I am freeing myself of the burden of seeking your approval. From this day forward I am taking control for both of us,  something I understand you could never do for yourself, and I am going to live my life without any further focus on what was so wrong, but rather the love that was there but not expressed."                                               

When you can, take a trip back to her grave, just enjoy it for you, don't measure it against anything and never tell a detail of the trip to anyone unless it is to say, "it was good." you will have moved in the right direction.       
 
I felt very compelled to come to this site today, and as much as I care about everyone here, I felt an immediate need to look for a post from you. Now I can tell you why, out of the blue I had a dream about your mom again. It was just a dream, but if they count for anything I can tell you, she gets it, she is sorry, and she loves you with all of her heart.

You are a beautiful giving person who is worthy of tremendous love and respect. You have a wonderful husband who deserves all of you. As good as things are with him, when you can do some healing from a circumstance that was no more controllable by your mom, than it was for you, you will have more to give the man who loves you so much today,  tomorrow, and forever. It is much easier said than done, but I pray that you can forgive, let go and live life NOW to its fullest extent! 

Hugs,

Maureen                 

[laurenE]

Maureen,

As usual my friend,  you have touched my heart and have spoken words that I needed to hear.  I dont know how you do it,  your timing has always been amazing, as if you can read minds..my mind specifically.   I wish I knew you,  really really knew you.  Maybe I do,  I dont know.  Maybe you are a long lost family member who just never made it to Indiana or to my family.  lol. 
 
I have been angry mom  but like you said, maybe I can let it go someday.  But I don't know how.   I mean, I dont live my days angry or sad.  In fact,  I hardly think of her anymore.   But when I do,  I always feel a sense of anger and frustration.    I am thankful you are the one having the dreams of her and not me. 

Anyway, thank you for your posts and kind words.    I also responded to your other  post.  I am truely sorry for your losses.   I hope the holidays are bearable for you.

hugs,
lauren

[sevenofwands]

A wonderful, wonderful post, Maureen.  So full of wisdom, clarity, almost clairvoyance I would say.  You show such a deep understanding of the disorder of the mind that could dictate the behaviour of a mother to treat her daughter in such a manner. 

It is always a treat to read your posts.

All the best
Seven