Author Topic: Almost 17 months  (Read 32 times)

Raven2017

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Almost 17 months
« on: September 12, 2018, 04:27:55 PM »
It's so hard to believe that Jim has been gone for 17 months.  Some days, it feels like forever and other days it feels like just yesterday.  I haven't been on this site for awhile as I feel like I should be farther along this journey than I am and I didn't want to keep posting all my sadness.  I miss him so much and life is so different now.  I am so very lonely for JIM.  I want to talk to him, I want to hear his voice and feel his hugs.  I am still incredibly sad. His death was SO unexpected and he was only 59....I wonder if that's why I am having such a hard time?
I was reading some of the newer posts and I'm so sorry for all your losses.  My heart breaks for all of you. I don't think anyone could ever describe this feeling of complete "aloneness" that we experience when our spouse dies.  I have tried to explain to people but it's impossible because you can't describe the emptiness to anyone....it's going out and coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone and cooking for one, not having him to talk to about ordinary, everyday things. I think it's the everyday life that changes so much...all the little things that aren't so little anymore.. 
I don't think that you can put a timeline on when the pain goes away, it's different for everyone.  I don't think it ever "goes away" but it does soften a little bit. I can say that the intensity of my pain has dramatically decreased but it's still there...just a little further back in my heart.  I can only say that it took me close to a year before I began to feel any different, but that's just me....I'm never sure what's going to bring it to the forefront again, sometimes it's something as simple as an older couple walking by, holding hands.  I used to get resentful when I saw this - why them and not Jim and I - now, I just feel a little burst of sadness for what should have been.
My life is good....I have wonderful children, adorable grandchildren and I am fortunate for the most part.  I just can't get past how much Jim is missing...how many changes that he didn't get to see in the past year and a half and it makes me sad to see life going on without him.  Of course it has to but it's just hard.  Sometimes, I think that something happened last year and then I remember that Jim has already been gone for over a year so it must have happened 2 years ago.  It's a strange feeling and then it makes me realize that I have lost focus for over a year.  It has been surreal, going through the motions and pretending to be fine on the days that I'm not.  It is "better" now than it was and I'm sure that it will soften more as the days go by.  It has to or no-one would ever survive this...that's what keeps me going....all the survivors on this site
This website was my salvation.  I had never been on any website before but I was so lost when Jim died.  As JustMark said, the people on here are not judgmental, they are very kind and everyone is hurting.  I liked the fact that it was anonymous because in real life, you can't really talk about the intense pain of losing your spouse because it makes people uncomfortable.
I learned a lot from reading recent and older posts.  I did this for quite awhile before I ever posted.  There were so many people that described exactly what I was feeling and it made me feel like I wasn't alone.  I found coping mechanisms - some worked, some didn't for me - but it seems to me that just sharing your feelings with people that, unfortunately, completely understand what you are going through is very helpful....it makes you feel less alone, even for a little while.
While I never really followed this advice even though absolutely EVERYONE gives the same advice, it is VERY important to continue to eat, drink water and even take supplements if you have to.  It is almost a year and a half and I have finally started to eat properly for the most part but not doing this has certainly taken it's toll on me. It's hard to do but I think if I had done this, I would be a little farther ahead, physically, right now and taking care of myself a little better would have probably helped me focus on life a little sooner that I have.  I guess we all do what we do in our own time but in hindsight, this is something that I wished I had done sooner.  Your body and mind are going through the most horrific experience that you couldn't have possibly imagined and you need to take care of yourself, even if you don't have the energy.