Author Topic: Almost 14 months  (Read 604 times)

Raven2017

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Almost 14 months
« on: June 05, 2018, 06:13:16 AM »
Even as I write "14 months", I think is that all?  I feel like Jim has been gone forever but then, at times, I still feel like he is coming home.  I feel like I am slipping backwards.  I just can't fathom "forever".  NEVER seeing Jim again?  My brain knows that is true but my heart breaks at the thought.  Sometimes, I think I hear the door open or his car drive up and I get a momentary feeling of relief only to have real life come crashing down.  I definitely feel his presence all the time but I want to hug him, hold his hand and I know I never will.

We live on an acreage and it is just too much work.  It keeps me really busy which is good but there are so many things that I can't physically do.  I have really good friends that will help me whenever I need it but I'm not one to ask for help very easily.  They also have their own life, chores to do.  I look around and while I am doing a good job of maintaining our property, I keep seeing all the things that I'm NOT doing, things that Jim easily did, things that no matter how hard I try, I am not physically capable of doing.
 
I decided that I am going to move back into town, closer to my daughters. Because of the economy in Alberta, this could take a month, it could take 2 years.  I sold Jim's truck and when I saw the empty space in the garage, it made me cry.  While we absolutely fell in love with this place, it was for us, not just me and I feel Jim's absence even more.  When I'm gardening or cutting grass, I always have an empty feeling inside.  While we may not have worked side by side, Jim was always there.  If something was too heavy, I'd call him over and then continue on.  Now, I have to stop because I can't do something and then it makes me feel so sad.

That has forced me to do some things that I'm not sure that I'm ready to do and it just makes me incredibly sad when I see parts of Jim disappear.  I haven't gone through Jim's personal belongings yet.  Every time I try, I feel physically ill.  I may just bring everything with me.  I have a lot of "things" set aside to put in a memory trunk that my son-in-law is making.  Then I wonder if I am keeping TOO many things, if I am making everything worse. 

People don't realize that, yes, it has been 14 months which in their minds is a long time, but they don't understand that Jim's death has affected EVERY single moment of my day and night.  Everything. There are so many times in every day that I just can't believe that this has happened to us.  I do have good days and I pretend A LOT but it's tiring.  I do go out during the day, I see people , I run errands, I appear to be "normal" but I feel anything but normal.  I absolutely KNOW that Jim has passed but I'm not sure I know how to cope with this.  I don't feel depressed or suicidal, I just have this incredible feeling of sadness inside me all the time.  Some days, it is worse than others but it is always there.  I'm hoping that I'm not the only one that feels this way....how do you deal with it?

Tryinghardtobeokay

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Re: Almost 14 months
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 03:20:04 AM »
As I lay awake - again - I found this website through my husband's memorial site. I don't know what to write or say to you but I was compelled to reply as there are so many similarities to our situation.  I lost my husband and father to our young son seven months ago. Your comments are thoughts I have had many times in a day. Forever IS unfathomable. I am HALF as far into this journey along a path I did not choose... I am frightened and humbled when I see how many posts on here capture thoughts and feelings I have had... But some are writing after ten or twenty years!

We also have an acreage and a business that we ran together. I understand when you said you're doing alright keeping up with the acreage but then you look at all you aren't getting done. So overwhelming and at times frustrating and discouraging. I am also facing the decision to stay or go. I am afraid to let go and then miss these memories. Soooo many memories surround me but leave me feeling so empty and longing to see him and have him walk up and hold me. And yet, there is nowhere one can go where that this feeling doesn't follow. I have no advice to offer only understanding. When I saw your post tonight on my first visit here (or any forum site ever!)I felt the need to reply. Also, your comment about a memory trunk (beautiful idea) makes me think... Can we make it worse by hanging on? I cannot go through John's things except to smell them or hold them... I will be faced with the same dilemma with the acreage and his things. I am thinking to take pictures of things I will need to part with as I fear losing the memory attached... and this way I will still keep the reminder. Is there a way to make this worse??? I don't think so... It just is. I could never have imagined this would be our life ... And yet, it is. I'm sorry that I don't have any helpful words or ways to ease the pain... such deep pain that feels like a heavy weight in my chest most days. Despite keeping everything 'beautiful' as best as I can without his help, I realize that no amount of hard work will 'fix' this and that is something that has been difficult to accept! It flies in the face of everything I've always learned... If it's hard, you work harder... If Plan A or B didn't work, there's 24 more letters in the alphabet... Keep going! And some days it's all I can do to take the next breath.

Your comments about time passing and appearing 'normal' whatever that means... When most days I feel like a shell... On the outside things might appear to be okay but when people tell me I am looking good, I sometimes feel like replying, "I do? You should see it from this side." It is an invisible wound but feels like a gaping horrible one that should be obviously apparent... and yet it is not. Everything and everyone around me has gone on and I feel stuck... It hurts to move forward, it hurts to stand still and it hurts more knowing I can't go back... to the beautiful life we had. So... I guess we try to go on and honour the memory of our husbands the best we can. Sadly, very sadly it just is.  I can never understand or feel what you feel, My words could never ease the hurt but your words provided me some small comfort ... in a small and strange way it makes me feel less alone. It also makes me sad that another human being has to experience this 'state of being' for it is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy! I hope that  you find peace... and while I write this final sentence, the song 'Only Time' by Enya begins to play... Take good care of yourself.

JustMark

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Re: Almost 14 months
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2018, 06:01:02 AM »
Hi Raven, Hi Tryinghardtobeokay,

Raven, I can relate one moment it seems like time has dragged on and I catch myself at my desk on the computer lost in thought on what I'm working on and every now and then I'll ask a question like Gina is still sitting at her desk and is going to answer me. It's been 15 months for me today since Gina passed. I have finally started going through Gina's things. Up until now the only thing I had gotten out of the house or gone through were Gina's clothes and shoes. I've started with her desk and other items in the office. It seems odd at times as my wishful thinking wants to box up her books or other odds and ends Like she will be using them again in the future. Other things I have no idea why she held onto them. There are also things I run across that has a special memory for us I'm holding onto. I've decided her desk and computer I'll be holding onto and using it as a work center for music. I can put a folding table next to it in an L shape for the keyboard set a few amps under it for my guitars, bass and mandolin. The computer will be usefel for recording as well as most of the music and sons I study are in PDF format as well. It's what Gina wanted me to do with her old desk anyway as she bought a new desks for me and her for the new office that will going into the basement. So I can relate to what you mentioned about the empty spot in your garage.

Tryinghardtobeokay, I came here last year the same way you did as a referral from my wife's memorial site. I have found coming here helpful. None of us here has any magical answers but we do get help as well as give help to others as we can. From that we learn things that's helpful in in dealing with our loss and also adjust to a new way of life. So you don't need to worry about knowing what to write as it will help someone that comes here. Sometimes it's just helpful to open up because here you don't have to carry the problem or issue alone. We aren't judgemental but all we ask is remember that some people maybe more sensitive to some issues then others. Anyway welcome to webhealing. Like you and Raven mentioned having acreage being too big as your husbands used help to take care of I'm at the opposite end. Not a large property with a lot of ground but now it's just me and a few dogs in a town house that I bought for a family of 5 that originally was two separate apartments. I however am stuck in the middle of rehabbing the house so if I tried to sell it now I would loose a lot of the investment and most likely be on the market for quite sometime. SO that is one thing I'll be looking at after I have finished rehabbing my home. Also I could turn the house back into apartments and live in one of them or even buy a smaller house elsewhere and rent the whole house as I almost have the mortgage paid off. Anyway that is something I will decide on in the future but it is on my mind. The rehab is taking me longer then usual because I'm disabled and can't work on it full time and occasionally I have to hire help for heavy stiff and sometimes to do work I can't anymore.