Author Topic: Death of My Spouse  (Read 536 times)

Caspercat

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Death of My Spouse
« on: March 20, 2018, 09:36:07 AM »
Hello everyone.  I'm not sure where to start.  My 57 year old husband passed away on December 15, 2017 at home after a 7 month battle with cancer.  There haven't been any grief support groups running in my city so I've been trying to get through with reading about grief and trying to keep myself busy.  We were homebodies and spent all of our time together.  3 months after his death I still feel completely lost most days even though I am back to work full time.  Those waves of grief I have read about still hit me when I least expect it. Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to deal with this?

JustMark

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2018, 07:29:56 PM »
Hi Caspercat, sorry to hear about your husband. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate. I know from caring for my disabled wife Gina the last 2 years she was with me and what my dad went trough before he passed in 2001. Even though you know the inevitable out come, you really are still unprepared. Those waves will hit you for a while. I still have my moments and Gina has now been gone a year. Keeping your self busy does help quite a bit. Make shure you are eating and taking care of yourself. You may also find it helpful to get a hobby. When Gina and I first met I played bass in the churches music ministry. Gina asked me why I didn't play lead and I explained I never had an electric 6 string nor ever took the time to learn. So she bought me a Fender Tele for Christmas 2014. I played it during Christmas break but to protect it while I was finishing rehabbing our home  She knew I always wanted one and told me it was time to learn. The guys I hired came back after the Christmas break so I had put it away until I finished our new office in the basement and had the room to set things up. Well in April 2015 she had surgery for her knee but while she was still recuperating in the hospital, the night before she was scheduled to leave she lost the use of her arm. So when we finally got her home I was also busy caring for her as well as continuing on the house. So time went on and March of last year she passed. I regretted that she didn't get to see the house complete or me play the guitar after I had put it up. So April of last year I couldn't get motivated to work on the house but I did dig out that guitar and signed up for classes. Other then a two to three month break for surgery on my back I've been taking care of the house and continuing to practice and relearn guitar. It has helped me quite a bit as there are times when I am playing it I sort of sense she stops in to listen and check on me.  So if you did any hobbies years ago now would be a good time to get back into them.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2018, 02:33:21 PM »
((((((Caspercat))))))

Welcome to Webhealing.

Caspercat

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2018, 09:10:45 AM »
Hi Caspercat, sorry to hear about your husband. It's hard watching someone you love deteriorate. I know from caring for my disabled wife Gina the last 2 years she was with me and what my dad went trough before he passed in 2001. Even though you know the inevitable out come, you really are still unprepared. Those waves will hit you for a while. I still have my moments and Gina has now been gone a year. Keeping your self busy does help quite a bit. Make shure you are eating and taking care of yourself. You may also find it helpful to get a hobby. When Gina and I first met I played bass in the churches music ministry. Gina asked me why I didn't play lead and I explained I never had an electric 6 string nor ever took the time to learn. So she bought me a Fender Tele for Christmas 2014. I played it during Christmas break but to protect it while I was finishing rehabbing our home  She knew I always wanted one and told me it was time to learn. The guys I hired came back after the Christmas break so I had put it away until I finished our new office in the basement and had the room to set things up. Well in April 2015 she had surgery for her knee but while she was still recuperating in the hospital, the night before she was scheduled to leave she lost the use of her arm. So when we finally got her home I was also busy caring for her as well as continuing on the house. So time went on and March of last year she passed. I regretted that she didn't get to see the house complete or me play the guitar after I had put it up. So April of last year I couldn't get motivated to work on the house but I did dig out that guitar and signed up for classes. Other then a two to three month break for surgery on my back I've been taking care of the house and continuing to practice and relearn guitar. It has helped me quite a bit as there are times when I am playing it I sort of sense she stops in to listen and check on me.  So if you did any hobbies years ago now would be a good time to get back into them.


Thank you Mark.  I have in fact pulled out my 12 string guitar and have been working on some knitting projects.  It sure does help to keep the mind occupied in some way.  One day at a time.....

Caspercat

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2018, 09:11:24 AM »
Thank you for the welcome Terry.

Moms Daughter

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2018, 05:56:07 PM »
Hello Caspercat:  I too am also sorry for your loss.  I know how raw that hurt is even after two months.  Twenty years ago this past Christmas Day, I lost my husband, the love of my life to cancer.  He was gone four months after he was diagnosed.  Some days the pain from his loss hurts like it was today even after this many years.  It is "normal" if you can call it that to feel lost now.  My husband and I were like you and your husband, we did everything together.  The only time we were apart was when we were at work.  Sometimes I still find myself waiting for the sound of the door to open and see him walk in when he got home.  I tried to do some of the things we did together; some I still do and some I don't.   Just hang in there.  Just worry about today then worry about tomorrow when it gets here.  Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.  Don't feel like you have to rush into getting things done.  You will know when it is time to do things.  It was two years after he died before I could go through his things.   I slept with his sweatshirt over his pillow in the bed for a long time.  Try not to get upset when people say "you need to get over it, it's been so long."  No one knows how it feels unless they have been through it.  There is no getting over this.  It never ends.  You just adjust to it.  That takes time.  How much time?  I wish I had that answer but I am still adjusting.  You need to take care of yourself; that is the most important thing right now and in the future.  I hope this helped a little. 

Caspercat

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2018, 09:26:31 AM »
Thank you for your heartfelt message.  I too sleep with his pillow every night.  It's just so hard to not feel 'lost' most of the time.  I do take one day at a time and put one boot in front of the other.  Some days I have to consciously tell myself to do it.  It is definitely a different life now.

JustMark

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Re: Death of My Spouse
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2018, 07:18:24 PM »
Hi Caspercat, I was wondering how you were doing. How is your guitar playing coming?