Author Topic: Mom died, and dad is withdrawing - circles of grief  (Read 98 times)

Elona

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Mom died, and dad is withdrawing - circles of grief
« on: November 14, 2017, 07:14:33 PM »
My mom died a little less than a month ago.  It really hurts.  My dad is taking it very hard, and he disappears and doesn't engage with our family.  I know a little about the circle or ring theory of grief - that you should comfort in, and complain out.  Is he really one more circle in than me?  I know he lost his wife, but my siblings and I lost my mom!  Everyone has been walking on eggshells around him, but that is not working for me. 
How do I support my dad, when what I want from him is comfort?  My siblings are turning to me for the comfort they're not getting from dad.  I want to chastise him for not being there for them too, but I know he is hurting.  I don't think chastisement from his oldest daughter will help or change anything.  I know we need time. 
What do you do with a grieving dad???

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Mom died, and dad is withdrawing - circles of grief
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 02:23:33 PM »
My mom died a little less than a month ago.  It really hurts.  My dad is taking it very hard, and he disappears and doesn't engage with our family.  I know a little about the circle or ring theory of grief - that you should comfort in, and complain out.  Is he really one more circle in than me?  I know he lost his wife, but my siblings and I lost my mom!  Everyone has been walking on eggshells around him, but that is not working for me. 
How do I support my dad, when what I want from him is comfort?  My siblings are turning to me for the comfort they're not getting from dad.  I want to chastise him for not being there for them too, but I know he is hurting.  I don't think chastisement from his oldest daughter will help or change anything.  I know we need time. 
What do you do with a grieving dad???

Hi Elona,

I'm very sorry to read of the death of your precious Mom. We're all unique in how we grieve. When my Mom died, my Dad was just devastated. Me and my sister were there for him when he needed us. That's really all any of us can do.....be there for one another.  It's a difficult time for everyone.

My advice in how to support your Dad is to be there if he needs you, just as you are a comfort to your siblings. Maybe offer to do some of the things your Dad is not familiar with. He may need help paying the bills, food shopping etc.

Hugs,
Terry

JustMark

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Re: Mom died, and dad is withdrawing - circles of grief
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2017, 03:39:14 PM »
Hi Elona, sorry to hear about your mom. yes it will be hard on your dad but he shouldn't be too withdrawn you guys should be able to comfort each other. I can relate to loosing a parent as I lost my dad who I was very close with years ago and I can also relate to losing a wife as Gina died this past March and in my case dealing with Gina's loss was harder then when I lost my father but I didn't with draw. I actually became a little more open. Maybe I'm different I'm also sure a big factor in it was when dad died I was in my 40's and wasn't living with him and my mom but Gina I was living with when she died. In fact I'm the one that slightly less then an hour before I had kissed good night. You mentioned it was less then a month ago so eight now you may be looking too soon. You may see your dad turn around soon. So that he can give and receive comfort for each other.