Author Topic: How to help my only child husband with the grief of loss of mom/diverted anger  (Read 238 times)

Natalieb

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Hello Everyone:

I am in need of help. My husband is an only child and had an extremely dependent relationship with his mother who passed away from an 8 year battle with colon cancer on March 8, 2017. My husband has always been one who hasn't been able to deal with his emotions very well. Two years into our marriage I found out that he has never met his biological father whom I located and who wants to connect with his son.

My husband has a tremendous amount of anger. Every time his mom's cancer became worse, his anger got diverted to me and now two days before his mom died he filed for divorce and won't get help through grief counseling. We have a three year old son together and i want to work things out through counseling but he won't listen or talk to me. He isolates himself.

I am not sure what else to do at this point as I have tried my best to encourage him into counseling. He is often at his mom's house and sleeps on her bed with the urn close by.

Is this normal for grief ? I have dealt with grief but didn't act this way.

Any advice on what I should do ?

Thank you !!!

Sincerely,
Natalie

JustMark

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Hi Natalieb, you can seek counseling help for him all day and night but there isn't much anyone can do until he wants it or is open to it and sees where it may benefit him and help him get back to life as normal. You can't want it for him. If you force it he could resent it, feel your meddling or trying to control him. He will need to see that he needs help or that his behavior is destructive or detrimental somehow and it sounds like he is isolating or withdrawing and maybe wants to dwell on memories of the past with his mom.  Also he may have deep seated resentment towards his biological and feel he was abandoned by him. I don't know how his mother raised him or how she explained to him at an early age why his father wasn't around. He could be trying to find answers to questions about life. He might be open to talking to clergy. He may also need professional help and medications. The loss of a parent can be devastating especially with this being the only parent that raised him.
Bare with me I'm just an outsider looking in so to say. I don't have a background in psychiatry, medicine or anything like that. I'm also not a councilor I just try to explain things that worked for me or get advice on dealing with loss. I'm more then happy to talk to him but I doubt you can get him in front of a computer to talk to me and even if you did the issue is would he open up. Probably not. Most likely he would think of excuses to get out of the situation unless he knows he needs it.

Lacemaker

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Hi Natalieb. So sorry for the loss of his mother. Just Mark is right until your husband feels like he needs help it's not going to help. You may have to kinda sit back and wait on him. It's hard I'm sure with having a little one. But sometimes after a loss like this we are so angry that we take it out on our loved one's that are the closest as they are right in our path. Not that we normally would say or do the things that we are doing when we are mourning a lost loved one at any other time. But we just aren't ourselves at this point. I to can understand the anger. I lost my mom in April of this year and I am still very mad at the doctors and even God. And kinda just mad at the world. It's just not fair. You think why them.  And this may be where he is at. It's so hard to lose a parent that you are close to. And especially to something as terrible as Cancer. As we watch as they suffer through the surgeries and treatments and watch are strong loved ones dwindle away. And as for his biological father since his mom is gone and has went through such a difficult time, trying to bring his father back in the mix might bring back feelings of where were you when mom and I needed you the most. Sorry we don't have the answers for you. But just know we are here to listen if you need to vent.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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I am not sure what else to do at this point as I have tried my best to encourage him into counseling. He is often at his mom's house and sleeps on her bed with the urn close by.

Is this normal for grief ? I have dealt with grief but didn't act this way.

Any advice on what I should do ?


Hi Natalie,

Welcome to our Webhealing family.

So sorry to learn of the death of your husband's precious Momma. (sending a hug his way) We all grieve differently when a loved one dies. There is no normal in grieving. With each of my three children my grief was different. My family said and did nothing but stand by me, which was everything at the time. A death changes us and that change can be seen over a very long period of time because time does not heal, it does, however change our perspective on life and death. That can be seen as a positive although it remains a life-changer. Our lives are never really the same when someone we love dies.

Although I can offer no advice as we are all so unique in how we grieve, I can share with you what has helped me through some of the darkest days of my life. And what I appreciated the most was family and friends standing by me, not pretending to understand what I was feeling and keeping their hearts open with love for me. That love included a much needed patience.

Eight months is still a very new and raw pain of shock and disbelief. My heart goes out to you both.

Let us know how you're doing, how your husband is doing and if we can help in any way. We're here for you and yours. :love9:

Sending love, hugs and understanding,
Terry