Author Topic: 2 months tomorrow  (Read 137 times)

Raven2017

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2 months tomorrow
« on: June 12, 2017, 06:16:13 AM »
Well, it will be two months tomorrow since Jim passed.  These have been the longest two months of my life. I am starting to fill some of my time but I still have a lot of bad days...I miss him every second of the day but I am trying really hard to think of good memories rather than wondering why all the time.  That won't bring him back.  If I could think of anything that would do that, I would do it in a heartbeat.  He was such an amazing, vibrant person and to have been taken so suddenly, makes my heart break.  When you lose your spouse, you lose the present and your future but most importantly, it's the everyday life that hurts the most.  I miss his weird and wonderful sense of humor, his extraordinary hugs that made me feel so safe and just the ordinary, day to day conversations that we had.  I miss eating dinner with him and walking the dog, our Saturday morning running around doing errands.  I find myself always wanting to talk to him and share the little things that happened throughout the day and then I remember that I can't and it makes me so incredibly sad....I just simply miss all of HIM.
Tomorrow is also his son's birthday.  That will be a hard day for him on top of Father's Day this Sunday.  They were very close and days like those coming up make the senselessness of what happened come to the forefront of your mind again.  It feels like this will always be front and center and I wonder how people continue on with such a big hole in their heart.  I always feel like I have this incredible ache inside and it will be there forever.  I hurt for his son tomorrow.
Jim's 60th Birthday is also coming up on June 20.  There are just too many "firsts" that have happened in two months.  In May, I thought that might make things easier, to get them out of the way, but now I wonder if it's just too much too soon.  You just get over one day and then the next is right there and you can feel the emotion building and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  Those of Jim's family that are in the area are going to celebrate his birthday together so I am looking forward to being with all the people that meant so much to him....especially his Mom. 
I know everyone says that life continues on but at this point in time, I wonder how that happens.  I know my life will never be the same, I know I have incredible people in my life that support me but I just miss him so much.  Jim and I lost quite a few friends in their 50's and we always said that if you make it through your 50's, you should live until you're 90.  He was so close...2 months away.  I will make it through this but I always wonder who I will be at the end.  It's not possible to go through this heartache and be the same person.  I have always been very positive and I am trying to find some way to stay that way but losing Jim tests every positive thought that I have ever had. Trying to stay busy works best but when you are alone, there are an awful lot of hours to fill and only so much energy to do anything.  I was an avid reader but so far, I haven't been able to pick up a book at all.  Is that normal?  That would help fill a lot of time.
Sometimes, I have a good day and I think I am handling everything very well and then the next day, I am just lost. I still have about a two hour window away from our home before I get anxious and I have left it that if you want to see me, you have to come to our home but my list of people that I want to see keeps getting shorter and shorter. It would be very easy to just be alone but thankfully, I have people that are very important to me who won't allow that to happen.  I just want to go back to March and do this differently so that the outcome is that I still have Jim.
JustMark, I am thinking of you this week and I know that it will be a very hard week for you. I hope you have family and friends around to support you through a few more difficult days.

Terry

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Re: 2 months tomorrow
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 04:20:35 PM »

(((((Raven)))))
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss