Author Topic: 26 days  (Read 292 times)

Raven2017

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26 days
« on: May 08, 2017, 01:57:46 PM »
Jim has been gone 26 days now and I seem to miss him more each day.  His one month date is coming up on Saturday and our 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday.  I don't know how to make it through this weekend.  We were together for 17 years and when we met, it was just like we had been waiting for each other.  We loved each other completely and even though we had separate interests, we spent so much time together.  He was my very best friend and loved me despite my faults and I felt the same with him.  I just feel totally lost.
For the past two weeks, I have tried to go out once a week by myself but it's so hard to do.  I find that I quickly run in and do what I have to do and then I come home where I feel safe.  Even when I'm home, I just wander.  I have lots of things that I could be doing to keep me busy but I just lock the doors and do nothing.  I have friends that come by and I'm fine if they come here but everything just seems to be getting harder. My daughters, grandchildren and sister come by and they are wonderful. We have great visits but when they leave, I don't know what to do.
I have a growing resentment to some family members and that is eating at me.  I'm not usually like that but I feel like they didn't grieve at all and I find it disrespectful to Jim.  I understand that they won't even come close to feeling like I do but even a mention of his passing would be better than just continuing on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Sometimes I feel like people are expecting me to be more "normal" already and then I wonder if I am just projecting that as I am usually a very strong person and I am definitely not that right now.  How do people get through this?  I bought some grief books but I can't even read them right now. 
Jim's sudden death was due to a medical error and was totally avoidable.  I know I am furious about that but I have really tried to keep the anger outside of the grief.  His case is in the process of being reviewed but I just can't get it out of my mind that it didn't have to happen.  It is devastating and I miss him so much.

JustMark

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Re: 26 days
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2017, 12:20:57 AM »
Hi Raven you hit upon a lot of things I can relate to including the resentments and anger but let's worry about getting you through this. I had to force myself to do things to keep myself occupied at first. Planted a vegetable garden took me 5 days when normally only takes one or two short work days. I also had to do laundry for the first time since basic training in the army. After a few days of forcing myself to do something I was able to get back into a schedule of doing things of some sort. I did force myself in other tasks in the beginning but I want you to take note the two examples I gave was one task that I normally do and the other task I normally don't do. Every year I plant a vegetable garden and every year Gina planted flowers and we would help each other. Also note it took me longer then usual because I was also taking time to enjoy memories of Gina and the things she did like trim the roses. Gina did the laundry all I would do is carry the baskets down stairs for her to do the laundry and carry clean laundry in the baskets upstairs and she would fold and put away. Her last two months or so laundry didn't get done it just piled up. Luckily I didn't turn any of my undershorts pink or blue yet but I did get it all done. So I'm suggesting learning to do something new in the way of a daily or semi daily chore. Maybe something Jim used to do that you didn't or something completely new. If you are like me I found out I got into a rut or stuck to a specific schedule plus I needed to help fill a void left with Gina's passing. With me not having to take care or help Gina there was about 6 hours of time every day that I didn't have anything to do. I wasn't used to to that. With that much time it also was easy for me to dwell on Gina being gone or slip into self pity. It was over whelming. I realized if I could change the rut or add something to my schedule and help fill that daily void of time, it would help me in adapting to a new life.

Not sure if you have a dog but I also had to keep the dogs motivated and keep TwoToez from mopeing about with Gina being gone. I took the dogs out for a walk everyday. Years ago we stopped walking them as they were fully trained for us at that point and they were going everywhere with us and we drove. I also understood to prevent rivalry or jealousy between Sox and TwoToez as they are both males and I couldn't have either one thinking they were 2nd in charge.  So the walk also afforded me the opportunity to train TwoToez on tasks to assist me like Sox does in stores.

The other thing I did was took a one year class to relearn guitar. It's a combination book with dvd, online forum and a weekly online live sessions. I used to play bass professionally 35 years ago. There was a small stretch of time after Gina and I met where I got active in a church's music ministry playing bass but that was about it. Very little 6 string involved yet 35 years ago I also played classical guitar and forgot quite a bit. So I am relearning. I am also going to start a piano course and relearn piano. The first instrument I ever tried playing. I'll be starting piano right after I finish the new office down stairs in the next couple of weeks. So I'll be taking two classes with pretty intensive coursework. At least in music. They also offer photography, painting, sign language and ballroom dancing.   

If you are like me you got into a rut or stuck to a schedule and now there is a void of time in your schedule. If we can change the rut or add something to your schedule it will help in adapting. Maybe paint a room. Plant a garden if you are not used to gardening. Maybe bike riding or even a class. I didn't buy any greif books. I don't have any opinion on them. They probably are very supportive. It's just I was looking for something to do that was different then what I was used to and I frequently read. The important thing is something different then what you are used to. Something you did years ago or something completely new, a hobby.

JustMark

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Re: 26 days
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2017, 09:01:59 AM »
Hi Raven, it's Tuesday and I know this last weekend may have been rough on you and was wondering how things were going. In just under a month I will be going through a similar situation you did and thought you may have some pointers. Gina and my anniversary is the 13th of June and the 16th will be the three month anniversary of her passing.

Raven2017

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Re: 26 days
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2017, 06:45:00 AM »
Hi Mark,
Last weekend was pretty rough emotionally.  I decided that I wanted to be alone so I told everyone that I was "hibernating" for the weekend.  I was prepared for a very hard, emotional weekend and I wanted to be alone.  That was the worst idea...I went to the cemetery on Sunday - our anniversary- and that was the way that I started my day.  Thankfully, my sister and my daughter decided to ignore my wishes and my sister and brother in law came by Sunday morning and my daughter and family surprised me and dropped by in the afternoon with dinner. I was a little resentful at first, but I ended up spending the day with my daughter, her husband and my little grandchildren...who can be sad around all that love?  They keep me grounded as I know they are hurting but they don't need to be in an atmosphere of sadness.  So, for that time that they are here, I pretend that I'm okay and then for a few hours, I really am.
I'm sorry that you also have both days happening at the same time...it's hard. My best advice is to have people around you even if you don't think that this is what you want.  They take a little bit of the pain away but you can also talk about Gina and remember the good times and you have someone to hug when you feel overwhelmed.  They feel the loss as well...not in the same way, of course but they also loved Gina. 
I wonder sometimes, if it's easier to have all the "firsts" so soon after or if it would be better if it happened later?  I think it would be hard regardless of how much time passes, it's going to be hard for a long time.
I did take your advice from a previous post.  We live on an acreage and Jim used to do all the lawn cutting so I decided to have a friend teach me how to run the lawn tractor.  I cried the first time I got on it as it just reminded me of Jim, he loved doing it.  The next time, I cut all the grass and did the rest with the gas lawn mower.  It took almost all day but it was a nice feeling when I was done. 
Jim always planted our vegetable garden this weekend with our grandchildren.  I just helped maintain it after the fact...weeding and eating the vegetables.  I wasn't going to plant one this year but have decided that I will plant it, on a smaller scale, with the grandchildren and carry on the tradition...that's our plan next weekend as we still had frost today.  Jim would like that.
I don't feel that it's getting any easier....in fact, it feels like it gets harder each day.  I feel like I am replacing Jim by doing the things that he did.  Rationally, I know that if I want to stay here, they have to get done but other times, I think I'll just leave them so that he can do them and then I remember that he isn't coming home.  I still only go out if I have to, other than walking my dog, I pretty much stay in the house.  I have no motivation to plant flowers or do the little things to make the yard prettier. I am very aware that I have to try a little harder as it would be so easy to feel sorry for myself and become reclusive but its so very hard.  We did so much together and it's all the little, everyday things that I miss so much.  I miss his voice.
I learn a lot from reading your posts, thank you for that. Deep down, I know we will all get through this but it's the hardest thing to fathom right now.


JustMark

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Re: 26 days
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2017, 06:35:45 PM »
I knew last weekend would be rough. I also understood you needed some space in order to reflect maybe see some lessons or things you hadn't noticed before that only come to light on certain important days for us. That is why I waited a day or two to ask. Going through this you will find we also have our own learning curves. I am glad you are trying advice and finding it helpful. All I do is point out what worked or is working for me. So if something doesn't work just throw it out and try something else you hadn't before or tweak it so it does work. We are all new at this phase in learning about life. I also have follow advice I see from here that I hadn't thought of before or something similar. You found a task that you normally do not do that gave you a sense of achievement by mowing your grass. It may not have been with the tractor Jim used but you tweaked it and got it done. May have taken longer but that is ok. We do not have to seek perfection. You took a step forward. The size could be big or small. So what. It gave you a break dwelling on the loss of Jim to maybe a new aspect of Jim you hadn't noticed before. Perhaps you may have felt a small sense of peace or calm or even that things would be ok. I guess you could say.  Thanks for letting me know I am the guilty culprit that said something that worked. Sometimes I forget to thank someone or mention that it worked for me and sometimes I do. Also that is one thing about having close family members. Sometimes they instinctively know to be where needed.