Author Topic: It's been three weeks  (Read 327 times)

Raven2017

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It's been three weeks
« on: May 03, 2017, 06:17:19 AM »
It's been three weeks since Jim has been home.  Yesterday was my birthday and I just kept thinking that if I get through this day, Jim will be home tomorrow.  I couldn't wait until the day ended but when I woke up this morning, he wasn't here. My heart feels like it's breaking as I just can't comprehend not ever seeing him again. I just can't go there. He was my very best friend.  He made me laugh a lot, he made me cry and he made me mad but he always made me feel loved.  I felt a sense of peace whenever he was with me because I knew I was safe. We had our own interests but when we were together, we did everything together.  We cooked, walked the dog, did dishes together...the list goes on and on.  I try to fill my days but even the little everyday things remind me of him and I feel like I can't do anything that doesn't remind me of him. It's not fair.  He had everything to live for and he took such good care of himself so that we would have another 30 years together.
Our house still feels so peaceful.  It was our sanctuary and sometimes I feel that he is still here.  Alarms go off for no reason and loud noises occur where I can't find the source.  I keep thinking that it's Jim trying to let me know that he's still here but other times, I just think I am losing my mind.  I have a two hour window to be with my friends and family.  After that, my mind gets angry and I just want them to leave so that I don't have to pretend that I'm interested in their normal lives. Then I feel mean and ungrateful because they have been so supportive.  I don't know what I would have done without them. I started writing to Jim and telling him about all the everyday things that are happening.  It started out as a couple of pages per day and now I am up to 7 or 8 per day.  Then I feel like it's a crazy thing to do but I don't want to forget anything, just in case. How on earth do people survive this?  I miss him indescribably.

JustMark

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Re: It's been three weeks
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2017, 10:27:20 PM »
Well happy birthday Raven. You and your Jim sound a lot like me and Gina. Gina and I were inseparable and did everything together as well. Well for the most part there were only a few we did separately. It wasn't til her health started to decline where she couldn't be with me doing some of the things we used to. She wasn't an auto mechanic so I did the work on the cars but I will be darned if she wouldn't come to the door with a glass of iced tea on a hot summer day and ask me about what I found or was doing. She didn't understand mechanics but she still inquired.

You mentioned not seeing Jim again. I have no doubts you will see him. Just like I will be Gina again when I move on. I'll also see my dad and grand parents. I'll also get to meet Gina's son PJ, my step son. I never got to meet him as he didn't live beyond the age of 1. I am a very firm believer in the spiritual world. I'm also a man with 3 engineering degrees, was prepping for an MS in engineering management and have studied physics, mathematics, chemistry and astronomy. I would venture to say I have a very good grasp of science. They aren't gone they just moved into a different plane of existence. I have no doubts Gina stops in and checks on me or sees how I'm doing. I can't see her or hear her but I can sense her when she is near. It gives me a peace and calm. At first I was just so stricken with sorrow I was oblivious to things taking place in my surroundings but one night I had a surprise a few days after her death that convinced me Gina was near. You see it started back when Sarge her favorite dog was alive. We would get all the dogs to howl by one of us howling. We used to call it a family howl. Either Gina or I would initiate the first howl and then one would start in and then another and then before long all the dogs would be howling. They would never howl for anything else except for the JG Wentworth opera commercials on TV. They had stopped playing those commercials on TV years ago . Other then me or Gina initiating a howl the dogs never howled for anything else like some dogs do a certain sounds like sirens. Anyway Gina died on the 16th which was a Thursday and her memorial service was scheduled for the 22nd. The night of the 18th I was online ordering a floral arrangement for her service. No music was playing, no TV no sounds at all. Suddenly with no warning and for the first time ever starting in unison all three dogs began to howl. I didn't know what to make of it and I began to look around the room and didn't see anything or hear anything and I asked them is that mommy? Tunny was sitting up looking at the ceiling fan and wagging her tail. Nothing was there but the ceiling fan but I began to feel a reassuring calm. It lasted for a few minutes and then I was back to crying every time I touched or looked at something. The next time I felt that reassuring calm was a couple days later. Almost a week later. I then began to try and keep my self attuned to things at home and through out the day I can sense she is near. I also had things happen associated with my dad in the past as well. I still cry or feel sorry at time but no where near as often as I used to.
I for one would not be surprised if Jim was near you at times. Maybe trying to get your attention or just to let you know he is there. It may be years down the road but I don't doubt you will see Jim again.