I don't really know how to do this. I can't find a grief support group in the city I live in. I took social work and counselling in school, so one-on-one doesn't work for me because I'm too familiar with the process.
I've never felt so empty and alone. I survived after my mom died when I was 17 because I had my dad. I never got to say goodbye. Try to prepare. Say I love you one last time. She was 39 years old. She was poisoned one day and the next she was gone. I was the one who called the ambulance. They wouldn't let me stay with her for the ride to the hospital. "We're going to have to do things to your mother to save her, and you won't want to see".
I phoned my dad that day and told him mom was sick, that the doctor said she may need a liver transplant. She may need to be transferred to a bigger hospital, but it was going to be okay. We would travel to the big hospital today if needed.
By 2am, she was gone. How do you handle a new type of pain that you've never felt before? I collapsed with numbness. My dad rushed to be by my side. He never left me for a week afterwards.
And now, just 4 months ago, my dad dropped dead in his living room. My dad was meant to outlive everyone in our family. Tall, lean, an exceptional athlete. He was the healthiest person I knew. I didn't get his athleticism. I'm more comfortable being lazy than I'd like to admit. He was brilliant, too. He could do complicated algebra questions that he hadn't done in 30+ years, no problem. He worked hard his whole life for a good pension. He was 3 years away from retirement and more than ready to enjoy it. He was 51.
I'm 26 years old and parentless. My children, should I choose to have any, will not know their grandparents. I will not have my beloved dad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I will not have my beautiful mother to shop for a wedding dress with. I need them. What I wouldn't give to talk to them one last time.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go on. Help.