Today was one of the hardest days of my life. My Dad who was my best friend died of terminal cancer (bladder spread to liver, bones, blood). He fought so hard, up until his last breath. He lost his voice over a week ago, so we never got to truly talk much.
We'd known he was terminal in July. My partner and I rushed wedding plans, marrying within two weeks, but just as we started plans, my Mum had a heart attack. It was minor, she was released a few days later. Two days after she was home, she had a stroke. Whilst in hospital, she suffered a chest infection, and died very suddenly. My Dad, my partner and I were there, this was 5 days before the wedding.
The wedding went ahead, and I'm so grateful to have my Dad in those photos.
In September, he suffered a fall and hurt his shoulder. He was kept in, while in, he had a fall and broke his hip. They operated at the start of October and pinned it back together. He never regained any mobility and was bed bound from that point. 2 weeks ago, he was moved to a hospice.
He fought so hard, every single day broke my heart. By mid week he was prone, barely able to respond and so weak he couldn't signal any answers. They thought he would go quickly but he held on until today, his breathing having been rapid and shallow for days, he must've been exhausted. I was with him a lot. I told him how much I loved him, how much I would miss him but I still feel as if I've failed.
Yesterday, I fell out with my half sister, his daughter. She'd said she would arrive on Saturday, I'd told him she was coming. Yesterday she had a migraine and couldn't possibly travel. My Dad means the world to me, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. I can't forgive her.
I have no real family left. My Nana, who I adored, died in January. Through all of this, it has just been myself, my husband, my best friend and my neighbour. My neighbour was/is like family. She sat with Dad for hours, spending all night with him to give us breaks. She was there with us when he died. I don't know how I can repay her.
I'm an adult orphan at 34 and I can't even begin to deal with it. I can't sleep, I can't stop crying. There's so much to do, and I don't even know where to begin. My Mum's dying wish was that Dad not die alone, and I am glad to have not let her down. But the future looks so bleak. I've lost near enough everything in less than a year.
I don't even know where this is going, I just had to get it out. It's Dad's birthday in December and then Christmas right after. I can't see how I can get through that.