Author Topic: New here  (Read 1960 times)

mjlasa

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New here
« on: October 31, 2016, 07:06:34 AM »
My name is Michael. My wife Roxanne died three weeks ago. We were together 26 years. She died after a lengthy series of illnesses but unexpectedly. Her various illnesses kept me busy taking care of her. Now I have no partner and nothing to do. I miss her terribly. The loneliness is eating me alive. I can barely function. What is the point?

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2016, 12:30:48 PM »

Hi Michael,

Sure do understand that lonely feeling. I cared for my Dad as he lived with me and my husband for 11 years and they both died within weeks of one another. I was just lost.
What got me through was my dogs and my other pets. Birds, turtles and horses. I don't know what I would have done without their unconditional love for me.

Roxanne's death is still so recent and your pain so new and raw, please try to care for yourself at this time the best you can by eating well, walking outside, resting even if you are unable to sleep and drinking lots of water. Grieving tears down our immune systems and we can get very sick.

There is a lot of support on these boards although it has been slow lately. Hold on to hope and keep posting because it really helps. A lot.

With love & understanding,
Terry

"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2016, 10:06:08 AM »
Thank you Terry. It is hard to care for myself, because I barely care what happens to me. I have lost 10 pounds in the three-four weeks. I did go out for a nice fish dinner last night. I also took a short walk today. I let Roxanne's son and his family take our cat as I am trying to avoid the house we shared and am staying in another place we owned in another city. I do miss the cat. Not sure Im making clear decisions.

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2016, 05:09:02 PM »

Michael,

Glad to read that you had dinner out and enjoyed it! Breathing in deep breaths of clean fresh air is medicine for the soul.
It's too soon to be making any major decisions and that could include moving. Any decision that takes you away from your daily routine. And routine is very important right now. Just try to concentrate on caring for yourself. I know it's not easy.

We do this one day at a time and sometimes even one second at a time. When someone dies that we love it can feel like the air we breathe is stolen from us. When my children died I can remember putting one foot in front of the other to walk but I don't remember my feet ever touching the ground.

Sending hugs & understanding,
Terry


"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2016, 07:01:12 AM »
Terry,
Your little notes are something I look forward to reading. Its a connection I guess. Its hard to have a routine when you have no life. Taking care of Roxanne was my routine, that and playing a little golf in between doing the things she needed and then spending the afternoon just talking to her and having her and our cat close. Thats all gone. Im in our old house now 1000 miles away but im afraid to go back into the other house where she lived and died. I have no idea what I am doing. My routine is sleep as long as i can, try to kill the day, get to dinner with a friend hopefully and then get to bed. Just taking a walk was a big deal. Pathetic I know. I have a counselor and a ton of grief books which may be helpful but all sound the same. I just can't shake her image in my mind. The image of her dying in my arms just plays over and over. Sorry to whine to you. Not that many others underStand.

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #5 on: November 03, 2016, 02:33:06 PM »

Hi Michael,

As I shared with you in an earlier post, I fully understand that lonely feeling after caring for someone for so long and even after *loving* someone for so long. Love fills us up with such a joy and death also fills us up with a longing for that joy. The finality of death is very stinging and that burning pain doesn't go away in a few days or even weeks...the time (we impatiently wait for) when we can remember them and smile and our hearts are filled with joy differs for each of us. Grieving takes time, patience and love for ourselves.

You wrote, "Its hard to have a routine when you have no life." You do have a life, Michael even though you are deeply grieving and may sometimes even feel hopeless due to missing your precious Roxanne. We all have a life. We're only on this earth for a short time and none of us knows when we're going to die so we do all the good that we can and keep our hearts open to love for as long as we are here.
So, if your routine at this time is sleep, dinner and a walk then that's going to have to be good enough until you are able to do more.
I was glad to read that you are seeing a counselor. Every little bit helps, Michael.

After just 3 short weeks of saying good-bye to someone I loved, I certainly wasn't expecting those good feelings to wash over me somehow miraculously and forget about the love that was swept away in a split second. That's a shock, Michael and not only to our heart but to our body and the reason for my sharing with you how important it is to take good care of yourself right now. There is nothing more important right now than your physical and mental health.

I look forward to reading more from you!

Hugs,
Terry


"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2016, 08:33:23 AM »
Michael,

Haven't heard from you in a few days. Check in when you find the time.

Hugs,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2016, 08:39:28 AM »
Terry
You are so sweet to check on me. I'm here barely. Its been a month and I see little improvement if any. This morning has been one of the worst. A friend dragged me out to golf yesterday and i went through the motions.  I go from maybe thinking i'm getting better to going back to want my life to be over. (No plan just the feeling.) my wife's son and family want me to live with them but that involves a big move. I havent got much going on where I am though an old female friend (old as in Ive known her for a while, not old in age) has been sending me love every day. Im not sure what to do with that. She does seem to care though. Gives me a little lift. I know I'll never replace Roxanne but this woman's caring seems to ease the pain a little. Its confusing but being alone all day every day is like torture. Im thinking of inviting her to dinner. Im hoping this is not a no-no. I dont see it as dishonoring Roxanne. Confused.
Michael

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2016, 09:06:34 AM »

Hi Michael,

What you're feeling is normal, it's grieving. Try not to make any major decisions for at least a year as your world has been turned upside down. I would follow my heart for comfort at this point. I write heart because our brain is not engaged in early grief. The last thing we need is another loss, be it ever so brief or insignificant.
We have the holidays coming up which are always difficult, one year, two even many years later. Do you have family you can spend time with this holiday?

One day at a time. Sometimes it's one second at a time. The pain is the price we pay for love. I think it's worth it.

Hugs,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2016, 11:25:38 AM »
I will be spending the holiday with the friend I mentioned as she has no family here either. It feels like the right thing to do.

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2016, 01:49:45 PM »
I'm glad to know that you will have company, Michael.

Stay in touch when you can. :love9:

Hugs,
Terry
"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2016, 08:24:56 PM »
Terry
Well today was the hardest holiday ive ever experienced - and i spent it with a most loving friend who held me, massaged me and generally tried her best to make it otherwise. Thanksgivin was always our biggest holiday snd i cried a lot. She just said cry, its ok. But im starting to think i should be in a mental hospital. Im simply going crazy.

Terry

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Re: New here
« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2016, 05:45:01 PM »

Hi Michael,

Those *firsts* are always difficult. The holidays are here and they are always hard to get through. When in early grief I tried to avoid shopping malls, christmas music in fact anything that had to do with the holidays. It helped me to get by.

The link below are some ideas that may be helpful for the holidays. Give it a read.

http://webhealing.com/forums/index.php?topic=7174.msg59232#msg59232

I'm glad you weren't alone for Thanksgiving. One day at a time, Michael. (are you getting out of the house to take a walk everyday?)

Hugs,
Terry

"One thing I've learned on this journey (it's been a year and a few days since my husband, Tom, died of cancer), is that in the beginning, there is a lot of the one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle." - RobinBlue - Spouse Loss

arthur

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Re: New here
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2016, 11:45:16 PM »
Hi Michael
I am so very sorry about your loss.  I lost my wife on 041411 and to this day I hurt for her to be here on this earth again.  She had a lifelong disability which she suffered with until the day she died and I spent 13  years of caring for her and being her husband. When she died I lost just about everything...I lost the love of my life, my friend, and the most important purpose of my life-caring for her while she struggled with her disability.  I know what you are going through and I just what you to know even though this loss is so bitter and difficult, that you are not really as alone as you feel. Because your beloved's death is so recent you are still in shock and Terry's advice is golden.   Just realize that it's really important to focus on your healing right now and the fact that you are seeing a counselor shows that you understand this.  I did the same thing as well as attend grief groups.  These things really do help even though it is difficult for a man to expose himself to any group of people as being hurt. I think it is really important to get that inward agony out of yourself by doing these things as keeping the agonizing grief bottled up would be the worst thing you could do for yourself.   I would suggest that you take up an exercise program if you are able as endorphins really do combat the serious negative emotions that deep grief brings about. Most of all hang in there man you are going through the worst of the loss and believe it or not things do get better. One hour, one part of a day, one day at a time. God bless and take care, Arthur

mjlasa

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Re: New here
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2016, 12:21:54 PM »
Arthur
Thank you for your kind words. My situation was like yours- my purpose, caring for my disabled wife, is gone along with her. Very tough.