Over the years I've had two great losses due to suicide. There were no signs with both. While working in a rehab with the VietNam vets many years ago (right after the war) some of the guys shared with me that they really wanted help and their cries (attempted suicides) were for just that, help. If they really didn't want anyone to know then no one would.
I understand what you've shared here and I agree that there are times when there are signs but we don't see them especially when it's someone who we're very close to because that closeness clouds our judgement. There was a boy in school who used to always say that he *didn't want to be here anymore*. It upset me and I had a bad feeling so I told my parents and they talked to the boy's parents. I remember, so well the day and the plans they had made to meet. A few months later that boy was found dead in his bedroom.
I understand the mixed feelings you shared. We ultimately accept that we're only human and we make mistakes. I don't believe that there's anyone who doesn't feel regret for either something they've done or not done.
I don't know if that helps or not but it is what it is.
Hold on to hope, Gail.