Author Topic: Orphaned Young Adult  (Read 6037 times)

AngelAlli7

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Orphaned Young Adult
« on: January 18, 2007, 02:06:57 PM »
I wanted to start this post to find other young adults (possibly age 18 to 30) who have lost both of their parents.  Anyone can comment....please feel free, but I'm in search of someone dealing with my same issues.

I am 24 years old.  I lost my mother to colon cancer when I was 18.  She fought for a year and a half, but it eventually took over her body.  I was there in the room when she took her last breath.  My father died also of cancer when I was 21.  It was his 3rd bout with cancer and died within 15 days of his diagnosis.  I along with my older brother were with my father when he took his last breath. 

I find it extremely hard to have lost both parents at such a crucial time.  I was into my 2nd semester freshman year, when my mother passed.  I moved back home after mom died to help my father who was 70 at the time.  I decided to enroll back into school after six months.  A year later, I moved back home to take care of my father again.  I took him to his chemo treatments and helped run the house.  I then had a child in 2003 who was born 2 months premature.  So I visited my son in the hospital and then went and visited my father in another hospital due to surgeries he was having or an illness.  In Jan. '05, I took dad to the doctor cause he wasn't his usual self.  He was admitted that day.  2 days later we found out he had multiple tumors in his brain.  13 days later, he died.  My son was 10 months old.  I was with my father day and night until he passed.

Both my parents were on Hospice towards the end of their life, even though it was for a short time.  I greatly appreciate the loving people who work and volunteer for that organization.

When I say it is a crucial time for someone to be orphaned is because it's atime the you need crucial guidance.  No one is responsible for taking care of you because you are over 18.  Yet you must go out into this world blindly.  You must find shelter.  You must feed and clothe yourself.  Be financially independent. There's no soft nudge, it's just a great big leap.  Some people don't land until they hit rock bottom.  Others hit landings along the way, and then eventually they decide to climb out. Who do you ask questions to?  There is no one to pick up the phone and ask about taxes, or how to cook a turkey, or even memories or childhood.  What about buying a car or a house?  That link is gone.  Obviously, special holidays are lonely times.  If you don't continue with traditions than they will be lost forever. 

I've searched to groups or individuals that have gone through the same experiences, but I haven't found anyone.  If you have experienced this type of loss, please post a comment.  Thank you and God Bless everyone that has lost someone special.  Once you lose someone special, the world is seen differently.  Yet it is up to you to determine whether it is seen more positively or negatively.  I pray that you see things more positively and more meaningful. 

Alli

laurenE

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Re: Orphaned Young Adult
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2007, 06:56:16 PM »
Alli,

My dad died when I was 12.  He was sick with the "flu",  went to theVA hosp for  a cough and was diagnosed with lung and brain cancer.  He never came home and 
died 3 weeks later.   He was our only source of income so we became very poor after he died.    Mom emotionally died with him, went off the deep end,  started acting like a teenager and I became the "adult" raising a 3 yr old little sister.

Mom died  suddenly 4 yrs ago when I was 36.   It was just a normal day.  Then I came home from work and got the phone call from the police that they found my mother dead in her house.  She had been late for work and someone went to go check on her.  She was sitting in her chair reading a book  dead.   We think it was a massive heart attack.   

  I have been told that when you loose the last parent,  it is the biggest loss,  bc that remaing parent represents both mom and dad.      Loosing my mother was the most difficult 2 1/2 yrs of my life,  for many reasons.   It was a very painful and long experience...not that I am over it,  but have certainly come a long way over the yrs.     

I have been estranged from my little sister and the rest of the family for over 16 yrs .    The only family member that talks to me is my 87 yr old grandpa who I go visit 1x month.    He is dying with cancer  (his psa level is now 28)  and is mentally going down hill.     

I never went to gpa for emotional support bc he is old and bc gma died 6 mos after my mother did.   He had his own grief to deal with,  loosing my mom and his wife all in 6 mos time.   I think part of why my grief was so difficult is bc I had no aunts unlces or sister to go to  to talk about mom or my pain.   I had no one in my life who knew my mother,  except my h,  and he didnt like her so he didnt understand why I was crying and missing a mother who was so abusive and cruel.   I didnt quite understand it either  but mom is mom and there isnt anything like her.   

I found myself not knowing how to cook the things I had cooked many times.,  I would cry when I didnt know how to bake something of if it didnt turn out.   I would cry bc I couldnt call mom and ask her,  even though I would not have called and asked her if she was alive.  It was just the fact that I couldnt any longer.     Even today if my h gets upset with me,    I sob for my mother and I'm not sure why  bc again,  I never ran to her when she was alive.   I think subconsciously I must have felt that if my h ended up hating me,   I still had a tiny bit of hope that my mother still would be around.   

I got through those first 2 yrs by surrounding myself with women.. I would chit chat with  women at work  and I knew someone who lost her mother yrs ago so it was nice to see her once a week and talk to her about my mom and all of its many complications.     

When I was in 6th grade and lost my dad,  I ended up becoming friends with  my high school male teacher and guidance counselor , staying after school and grading papers,   helping them,  and of course asking them advice.   
I guess I would suggest that you find role models to be friends with, which isnt easy to do,  but I think in looking back,  thats one of the things that helped me. 

I'm so sorry for your loss.   When my mother died  my boss said in her sickening sweet voice........  "soo,  how does it feel to be an orphan?"     It felt as if she had punched me in the stomache.   And my answer now would be "it feels really really scarey,  and lonely,  and uncertain .. bc  if my h would ever leave me,  I literally would have NO ONE."      I hate this feeling.   Im sorry you are going through it too. 

lauren E   
« Last Edit: January 18, 2007, 06:58:49 PM by laurenE »

tmkd11

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Re: Orphaned Young Adult
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2007, 02:42:10 PM »
hi Alli
i lost my mother, who was my best friend in October of 2006 it was a sudden heart attack, she had one before when i was a freshmen in high school(1999) but she survived,she was in Arkansas visiting her friend when she died. i went though so much crap getting her up in MI which is where we lived. I'm 21 and everything you were talking about, asking for guidance in everyday life from your mom or parents and now being able to have it, thats how i feel, i feel so alone and cant ask anyone for help. my mom and i lived her sisters, my aunts and my one aunt is the type that "gets over" things quickly and i feel like i cant talk to her about my mom because she wont want to and just tell me to get over it. she has done alot of things to my mom and i that i just can't forgive her for. so, that could be part of it. You are the only person, so far, that gets how am feeling about my mom's death. i appreciate that so much. all my friends still have their mothers so they don't really understand. i get so angry that my friends, who don't treat their mothers very well, can still have them and i don't get to have mine, who i loved and treated very well.
if your wondering about my dad, well i don't have a relationship with him, he abused my mom, my sister, and myself.
well i just wanted to let you know, thats its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels the way i feel. and if you want to reach me to talk about stuff my email is: newbielink:mailto:dolphinprincess2004@yahoo.com [nonactive]
Thanks
Tura

amber427

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Re: Orphaned Young Adult
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2007, 08:30:06 PM »
I lost my father on Chrsitmas day, and have found each day more difficult than the one before.  I too looked for guidance from my father, and can hardly believe he's not here for me to talk to or nag at!  He was my fix it man when my husband and I had something break and was able to fix any problem we couldn't.  He was one of the loves of my life.  My mother is still alive and I am grateful she is, but my dad was everything growing up and till he died. I am sorry you have lost both of your parents.  The loss of one is unbearable enough. 

Planning and paying for your father's funeral at 25 is something you never imagined doing in your life.  It will probably be one of the hardest thing I ever had to or have to do.  To me the hardest part was picking a casket worthy of such a wonderful man.  Everyone has their flaws but in times like this, you can't help but remember all the truly amamzing things about a person.  This is how I will remember my father and how I wanted him remembered. 



eaves85

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Re: Orphaned Young Adult
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2007, 02:38:26 PM »
hi alli.
i know how you feel to a certain extent...i lost my dad 4 years ago a few weeks before my 18th birthday.... he was really and truely the loveliest human being i've ever known...i could call him when i was in anytype of situation and i knew he would be there to support and help me.. i trusted him more than my best friend. me and my mom never got along when i was a teenager and especially right after my dad passed away she was threatening to kick me out once i turned 18 and had just lost my dad.

i am now 22 years old.. and my relationship to say the least with my mother is rocky... i have a son who was born just a few days after my fathers birthday (and he is named after him) my mom has taken me and my husband in considering we have fallen on hard times financially..and although i do have a place to live it seems like when my father died all the support in my life did as well... when i really needed guidance it seemed like my mother was just there to put me down or threaten me. my mom is still here and she has her moments but i almost feel as if i am an orphan. that is awful to say but it's really how i feel here..like a failure. i miss the encouragement and enthusiasm by father gave me. but i have learned to find that in myself. i hope my story helped in some way

orphan

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Re: Orphaned Young Adult
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2018, 03:02:18 PM »
Hi all,
i have registered just for repling to this discussion that came up on google while i was googling.i am on of you and.if any if you and i have created a facebook group called "Adult orphaned at young age meet up" the ain is to build up a community of people with similar drammatic past and hopefully to meet up this summer somewhere in europe.there are already 22 members, if you would like to join so ye wont feel too lonely find it on facebook, God bless,thank you.