I know it's been a long time but I've been so busy . . . which is a good thing.
Though it was 7 years in July since I lost Vince, it still hurts almost as much as it did on day 1; I'm just better able to deal with the pain. I still cry for him a lot.
But the bad times are interspersed with good times.
The two teenage girls I adopted are still in my life, thought the older one has taken off with her horribly objectionable boyfriend and I rarely see her. I am hoping she will hit bottom one day and manage to crawl out of this hole she is digging for herself. The younger one is now 16 and is really showing so much progress in overcoming the terrible years of neglect and abuse she went through before going into foster care.
I have a two year old foster daughter that I am just in love with, but I am trying to resist the temptation to adopt her. I've had her for 8 months and I am pretty attached to her. I'm a single woman who is much too old to be her actual mom, and I don't want to be selfish about this. I am guessing once all the paper work is done they would have no trouble finding someone to adopt this sweet, smart little cutie pie.
I also have a 3 yr old foster son, off and on - his mom has been having serious mental health issues and she gets better for awhile and then he goes back, but then he comes back . . . it looks like I might be getting him back soon for another few months. I am crazy about him, too, and worry about him when he's gone. I think his mom truly cares for him, but she is very unstable and I worry for his safety when she is unwell.
ANYHOW- I know I haven't been around here, but please know I think of you all quite often, and I will never forget the help it was to find this place in those early years. It is still good just to know in the back of my mind that you are here.
I still miss Vince like crazy and sometimes it still seems like I can't take another breath, but having my daughter and the little ones keeps me going.
I've had more "little signs" and dreams where I get to see Vince, and that helps, though I wish they were more frequent.
One thing that really helped me was one night about a year ago - I couldn't sleep and I felt so much like Vince was near . . . and I just gave into it. I said hi to him and I felt this rush of feeling like he'd just come into my arms. I hugged my pillow and cried and cried with joy. It felt so much like he was really there and he was so glad I'd finally said hi and let him in. It wasn't all I hope our reunion to be someday; it was just my pillow and my mind's eye . .. but also I think, some real presence and connection to him. Whatever it was, it helped lift my spirits. It still does when I think of it.
I told no one about that, by the way - I mean, who can you tell who would understand? So it feels good to tell it here - to people who will understand.
All my best to all of you!! Much love to all.