Feeling lost 3 years later

[MissSteph4ever]

Today would have been my daughters 29th birthday but sadly she is forever 25 and not here to celebrate. I was thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory and I went into her closet looking through papers searching for a signature of hers that I could get tattooed on my arm and as I went through the box of her things, mementos, jewelry, make up, the tears started to roll. I don't know why I save her hair accessories and make up but I just can't seem to let anything else go, I have given away a lot of things but I still have half of her clothes, her stereo with all the stickers on it and the box of stuff I mentioned before, it is all in her closet. I have redone the rest of the room over for my grandson who is 4 and sometimes stays overnight but the closet is still hers. I still feel so lost without her even 3 years, 5 months and a day later. I didn't find anything tattoo worthy in there, only stabbing pain that I will never see her again and it breaks my heart. I am still thinking of getting a tattoo in her memory but I will take her writing from an old mothers day card she gave me  that was signed "I love you mama, heart Stephanie" and I want to get it on my forearm so that I will see it and remember how much she loved me. Birthdays are so hard, remembering this day 29 years ago, the birth of my beautiful girl and all the hopes and dreams for the future. Life is nothing like I thought it would be, both of my children have struggled with alcoholism, it killed my daughter who died of alcohol poisoning and my son still struggles to this day although he will say he doesn't have a problem. My marriage is a work in progress these days and I don't know if it will survive the long haul. I just go through the motions of life now and feel lost most days!

[Terry]

Wishing your sweet Stephanie a Happy Heavenly Birthday today.

((((((Melissa))))))

This life that we live without our children is hard. These dates, and even the anticipation of them are very difficult. It took me a very long time to find my footing. For a long time the grief just dragged me, bruised and battered me and I felt used-up. There's no other way to describe that feeling. I have accepted that the pain I feel is not going away and that has allowed me to walk *with* my grief.
I can relate to your post in so many ways and in particular being at the three year mark. That, for me was when I made that decision which allowed me to carry on.

Sending you hugs, love & understanding.

Love,
Terry

[Terry]

P.S. SO nice to see your Steph's smile again. She lights up our board!

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

((Hugs)) Melissa.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Having lost a child to addiction and having another struggle with it I so understand. I just (after 10 years) purged all of my late son's belongings and for me it was a cathartic experience. If & when you feel the time is ready to do so, you will know.
Not that it ever gets easier but as time goes further on from the day they departed from this world I found that the edges are not as raw & I can function better.
My hubby & I went through some real rough patches too, I think that is not all too uncommon.
I went for a lot of counseling, meds, I tried whatever I could to try to help myself find some peace. My husband didn't. People grieve differently. He drank & ate, I ate. Sleeping a lot was a solace for us because we both felt terminally tired. Even now he rests more than I do. Working became difficult for us and ultimately we both retired. Now we spend 24/7 together and that is a big adjustment. I became uber busy with new hobbies and socializing (only with people that were supportive). He has  not. I hope that in time, you both will find your way and each other.
People like you & I, losing a child to addiction and then seeing another one on the same path, I think is a double whammy because you feel so shaken from the one demise and can't help but worry that you will lose the other addicted child as well.
There are people on this board and other grief places I have attended that have lost more than one child. I think that losing one is unbearable and yet these people survive.
You are doing the right thing, coming to this board to reach out. Ten years later I still check in and vent, and try to lend support to others.
I hope that your pain abates and know that you are not alone.
Your sister-in-grief,
Paula