Author Topic: For those of you who have lost parents...??  (Read 583 times)

AlaniaB

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For those of you who have lost parents...??
« on: June 02, 2016, 04:49:51 PM »
First of all...I am very, very sorry for those of you who find yourself here grieving this loss. Sending love to each one of you struggling.

I wondered if any of you could help answer me a question relating to this subject, as my (new) boyfriend lost both his parents in very quick succession (days apart) unexpectedly right after we met.

I have struggled with this now for three months or so, have tried everything possible to help, to be there, but ultimately he was very emotionally distant and pushed me away but gets upset when I come close to leaving.

I have tried very hard with this...I can't really express how difficult it is to me, as I was engaged once and my partner suffered a brain injury and was after that very cold / distant / unemotional and pushed me away and I endured that (emotional abuse) to stand by him for almost three years before he asked me to go away and leave him alone and that experience was traumatic and very painful for me.

I feel, once again, that someone i love is behaving like a stranger and I can't reach him - but as he was a very new boyfriend I am wondering if this is his grief?

It is difficult to describe but he is very selfish, forgets me, doesn't respond to calls and messages and gives me the silent treatment - interspersed with requests for me not to leave, that he loves me.  He seems to throw himself into work excessively, always on the go, going out with friends a lot and oblivious to me.

I am very confused, and thought perhaps someone who has been in his shoes might help me to understand as i am struggling so hard to know what to do and also to discover where my boundaries are for him treating me poorly. 

I tried to end the relationship a few days ago, and he finally sat down with me and talked.  He told me that he was in love with me, hated the idea of me being gone, but that he had just lost two of the most important people in the world to him and he felt that if he let me close to him he would rely on me and I would also leave him.

I feel so much compassion and love for this man, but his grief is causing him to be so hurtful that I am becoming emotionally destabilised by it all and find myself crying, tired, withdrawn all the time.


QueenOfAnxiety

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Re: For those of you who have lost parents...??
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2016, 07:00:54 PM »
Hi,
I am very sorry for your boyfriends loss, please give my condolences. However if his grief is pushing itself on to you, you need to get away.
My mother passed almost a year ago, and I share some of the behaviors that your boyfriend is experiencing. Kids who have lost their parents suddenly and without warning are often consumed by the feeling of rage and sadness. Making us not that easy to get close to or to be around. Ultimately however while still feeling compassion for him, you are in charge of your own life, and you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: For those of you who have lost parents...??
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2016, 07:11:12 PM »

Hi Alania,

Welcome to Webhealing.

I agree with Kiana, "Ultimately however while still feeling compassion for him, you are in charge of your own life, and you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy."

Wise words.

Hugs,
Terry
"I'm thankful I have my writing to turn to.  And reading and my pets.  It is at times like these, I remind myself to think of gratitude and things I am thankful for." -Wally (Wally49er/Spouse Loss)