Pondering the mysteries of life......

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

In my family we have a tremendous amount of losses, more than the usual. For example, each one of my spouse's siblings have lost a child. My parents & inlaws were also bereaved parents. My sister-in-law and her sister-in-law each lost a child within days of one another. My brother-in-law has lost his son, niece, 2 brothers in quick succession. We have a multitude of blessings in our lives but do live with enormous sorrows. My SIL says we are cursed. One of my friends likened our family to the Kennedy's. I wonder why we have so many untimely deaths in our family. What is the greater plan here and the lesson to be learned?

[Terry]

My SIL says we are cursed. One of my friends likened our family to the Kennedy's. I wonder why we have so many untimely deaths in our family. What is the greater plan here and the lesson to be learned?

I wish I did but I have no knowledge of the greater plan or of any plan, for that matter. I just believe that we are born and hopefully we live to our full potential and then due to sickness, accident or old age, we die. I'm not even sure that there's a lesson to be learned regarding death; other than knowing its definition. There are a lot of lessons to be learned while living and I'd like to think that I've learned from my past mistakes and have paved a smoother path for myself and for others due to that learning, but I'm sure I haven't in every sense. I am sure, however that I tried. And I believe that that's the best any of us can do, is try. And keep trying. Because we never cease to grow until we cease to breathe. So, everyday is a learning experience.

I don't believe in curses. I believe that bad things, good things and inevitable things happen to good people and bad people alike. I *do* believe that we can convince ourselves of anything, if we keep telling ourselves that a thing is true. The mind is very powerful and even doctors will admit to giving up on a patient when logic tells them it's time to do so and then that same patient will recover and the experts are left with no viable explanation.

There are many mysteries that I, too ruminate on and I guess I will continue to. When I was very young I believed much differently than I do now. My faith has changed along with my views on life, death and the afterlife. We're always evolving....we're always evolving.

What are your feelings on the greater plan?

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Did I ever share with you a special "gift" that was given to me when I was a very little girl that I believe now was a message to tide me over when my life was threatened by my grief and challenges?
My 7 year old brother died of leukemia when I was an infant in 07/55. My Mom used to go daily to visit his grave and that of her Mom's. I grew up thinking that the cemetery was a loving place to roam around by my Mom. One day I came across an established grave (one that had ivy on it). Hovering over it, on either side, was whisper like, Illardo like, angels. I knew nothing of religion whatsoever. They did not scare me, I was just curious. Out of the grave rose a whisper like figure of a man and I knew that the angels were welcoming him. I do not remember anything else. When I lost Adam, that vision came into my memory. I asked to very devout Christians that I knew what did that mean? I asked if the soul leaves the body upon death and starts to his "heavenly" journey why was a soul leaving an established grave? From 2 different people, the answers were the same. I was not seeing an event, I was seeing a vision to come to me at a time when I needed it most to remind me that there is a heavenly Father and angels and an afterlife. Thus, since losing Adam, I have become very spiritual, not religious. I see signs that could not be anything but signs proving to me that Adam is reaching out to me and occasionally my parents. Even though my heart breaks because I cannot have them physically in my life I know that they are with me and when the time comes I will be with them.
Now to answer your question of the greater plan that I mentioned originally in this thread. I have become to believe that life is a journey fraught with lessons that need to be learned. I think that a lot of my "lessons" have been dreadfully difficult and I wonder why I need to live through such heartache to learn my lessons. I know that I have become a better person because my eyes and heart have been opened in such a way that was not entirely possible before. Yet, I am curious to whether or not I was a truly evil person prior to this life that needed to grow from continuous heartache. And if that is the case, did my children, specifically Adam & Kaitlin, suffer from the same? Or are they innocent bystanders that needed to be pawns in my life lessons journey. And if that is the case my first meeting with the powers to be won't be a calm one. As I won't know these answers obviously until I die and then the answers, hopefully, will be revealed to me. In the meantime, I must plug along, hopefully doing more good than harm and helping others along the difficult journey of life.
It's struck me that you wrote that we never cease to grow until we cease to breathe. That was my downfall into despair, when Adam took his last breath, my hope collapsed and so did my world and thus I attempted to end my life. As I always say, with the help of many (people, meds, etc) I don't feel the despair to die. I would not be afraid, but while Craig is alive, I know he needs me. As long as Kaiti is struggling, I know she needs me. My living sons are on their way to good lives and I would not wish to vacate from them, I know that Matt would be OK and that I would miss out on the joys of being a Bubbe to his darling girl, however I know that Josh has a very strong connection to me and would be devastated, so here I remain and try to hold onto and look forward to the positives. When I tried to end my life, I truly couldn't see anything but pain and darkness. So the suicide option was another life journey lesson for me and who knows who else around me, be it family or friends learned from that experience too.
To this day, I still am bitter, and wish I could learn to let go of the bitterness, over losing my job. I loved that job and it gave me such confidence too be recognized as a nursing talent that could do much good. To this day, I cannot understand an employer, that is in the business of taking care or people would fire one of their own after a death of a child because I was not considered a "strong leader". This was not a traffic ticket, this was a life altering event. If only they were compassionate towards me in a little bit of time I would have been right back there a strong leader with even more compassion due to my personal experience. I did win a wrongful termination lawsuit but still it sticks in my craw because I lived & breathed this job. It was a passion and a calling to me. I never want to invest my energies and heart into anything like that again so please don't suggest that I find something else to be passionate about work wise. I volunteer and spend my time productively for me and mine and that is what I want to do in this phase of my life. I just think that my former employer was short sighted & missed out on a great employee. What I would like to know if Tom or you have any suggestions on letting go of that bitterness and regret over losing that job? I just had a dream about it last night where they asked me to come back. In the dream so much had changed that I knew that it wasn't a right fit for me and that I felt the employer was disingenuous so I didn't have the passion for the job. But that was just a dream...I guess my mind is telling me to let go, but sometimes I have a problem with the brain and heart separating one from the other.
Thanks for reading my ramble.
Love,
Paula

[SarahW]

Haven't been here for a long while because I've been so busy and keeping myself distracted, but eventually the tide of grief washes over you again.  There is really no outrunning it, is there?

It was feeling it tonight . . . you know, "I want my son, I want my son, I want my son."  Thought I would drop in here and was glad to see your post sharing your vision in the graveyard, Paula.

I never had an experience like that one, but it heartens me to hear of yours.  Like you, I feel certain I've had signs and that my son still exists in some way that I cannot know right now, and he is still with me. Even with the way I keep myself busy, I still think of him almost constantly . . . you know, that underlying hum that is just always there, and sometimes not so underlying.

I'm doing OK.  I adopted two of my foster daughters and they have been a blessing.  Also, I have been doing temporary care for babies that come into protective services, which has been great.  I just keep them for anywhere from a day to a week or so.  It really helps ease the pain of not having grandchildren yet (the girls are teens . . . Vince would have been in his 30s by now, but he was my only child and never had children). And it is just fun and distracting.  Also . . . this may sound silly, but I repeat my son's full name to the babies several times before they leave to go home or go to a more permanent foster placement.  It makes me feel like even though they won't remember, there will be someone alive, maybe even in 2100, who would have heard my son's name.  I haven't told anyone that, because who would understand?  But I know the parents here will understand.

Gosh, I miss my son.  Just having one of those nights where I miss, miss, miss, miss my son.

My 15 yr old got to meet some of Vince's friends the other day, and she really enjoyed hearing the crazy stories about him (of which there are many), and I think they enjoyed being able to tell them.  It was kinda hard on me, but good, too.  The older girl has moved out with her bf (ACCKKK!! But that is another story.)

And we got a new dog.  My 15 yr old, Roxy, picked her out.  The new dog looks so much like Vince's old dog from when he was a kid and young teen, that I've accidentally called her by the other dog's name a couple of times; I've even occasionally called my daughter "Vince."  I look around me, especially with this dog now, and wonder how deliberately I've tried to recreate the past. My daughter got into some mild trouble that reminded me so much of some stuff that happened when Vince was a teen.  Then she picks out this black dog with white chest spot, white paws and white tip on its tail? Exactly like Vince's dog except somewhat heftier (not so skinny-Minnie).

More signs?  I don't know, because Roxy is her own person, after all.  But still, how weird it is to look around and think it could almost be 15 yrs ago, the way things are.

One thing, Paula --  I've wondered about it too, but no, I don't think anyone is a pawn in someone else's life lessons.  Everyone has their own life and it's just as central and important as anyone else's.  No one is a pawn, I don't think . . . someone else's life may influence yours or teach you important lessons, but that is not the reason for their existence or for what they went through, IMO.

Well, thanks for listening.  Just having one of those nights where I can't stop missing Vincent.

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

((Hugs)) Sarah W

[Terry]

Haven't been here for a long while because I've been so busy and keeping myself distracted, but eventually the tide of grief washes over you again.  There is really no outrunning it, is there?

No, there's no outrunning it, no short cuts, no getting over it, no getting around it; we have to go *through* it. We have to do the work. Before I understood the meaning of *grief work* I described how I was living as *running against the wind.* It's painful - almost like running into a nest of angry wasps....it stings.

So nice to read a post from you, Sarah.

Sending hugs & love,
Terry

[Terry]

Paula - thanks for sharing your special gift.

Were you referring to being an evil person in another life? I was not sure whether or not you were.

It sounds to me that losing that job really took a lot from you and sadly, continues to. Whenever I felt anger towards someone, it weakened me. My immune system. I also felt that it had the control and I never liked someone else being in control of my emotions or of my physical self. The anger I felt was towards one particular person and I've since made peace with it. I hope that one day you, too can do that for yourself.

I know how you've always felt regarding Adam and his being alone when he died but I know he was not alone, Paula. None of us are.

Much love,
Terry

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Yes, I do wonder if I was a horrible person in a past life and that is why I have to live through all these current challenges to humble me.
Losing that job and having it bother me to this day sounds odd, I know. I cannot explain it. I absolutely loved the job and I guess I idealized it and the people & it was a tough loss on top of losing Adam. It really shredded my dignity.