emptiness

[lynne123]

Good morning Robin,
No Tom is not getting back at you. He would never have thought of that he seemed like a wonderful man. Robin, I don't know if we are allowed to get our phone numbers on this sit. If we can it would be wonderful to just speak to each other. On another note, you are not crazy kissing Tom's pillow, I do the same thing every night.  as you now our lives have changed dramatically and I have alresy had my crying spell this morning. But with all the stress with my maid and the Lady that shops for me it has cAused a lot of symptoms. my neurologist just sais, REST, REST. On another note robin I still have a funny feeling about the lady that shops. SHE WORKS FOR A VERY REPUTABLE COMPANY BUT IT'S ODD TELLER DID NOT GIVE HER BACK THE WHOLE REFUNFD WHERE IS THE $84.00 SHE DID NOT BRING BACK? STRANGE, SHE IS HONEST BUT NOT SURE HOW $84./00 BED AND BATH WOULD NOT GIVE HER. I THINK I MIGHT HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION IF I SHOULD STILL HAVE HER. SHE IS EXTREMEY HONEST, BUT THE THING ABOUT THE NORDSTROM'S JEANS, ETC GIVE ME A FUNNY FEELING. WAT DO YOU THINK?

LOVE YOU,
I'M JUST GOING TO REST TODAY AND TRY AND NOT GET STRESSED OUT, IMPOSSIBLE, ha ha?
tHANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME,
YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL
LOVE,
LYNNE

[funlearningmother]

Hi Lynne and Robin

You have quite the conversation going on here and lots of aggravating stuff to deal with. Sounds like you are both doing ok otherwise. Lynne I have learned to follow my gut with things, that funny feeling, it always works best for me if I do. I do believe we learn how to handle things better when these frustrating things happen to us, It does take time though. Robin I agree with Lynne. I don't think Tom is getting back at you. I hope your back is feeling better and just so you know you are not alone, I talk to Riki at many different times. It's the only connection we have anymore with our loved ones. I always wish I could see him again. I want to know how he really felt.

I wanted to comment for the last few days. I am struggling with my fears as I have shared with Terry and I am really struggling with them. I want to hide and never come out. If I had the money I would buy land in the woods and live out there. I would not be totally happy as I do like interacting with people. I think, as I say this, that I need to be where I am to learn and grow so I can help others. My fears and what I do to help myself can help other's, I just need to learn to trust in myself and accept that I will be ok with just myself.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

[RobinBlue]

Hi Lynne

Lynne, I have to agree with Shelby. Trust that inner voice and if you're getting bad feelings, then do what you need to do to make things better for yourself.

My inner voice was silent for many years until the middle of December when I had a premonition that 2015 was going to be a turbulant year. I was receiving all kinds of signs and dreams that told me doom was around the corner - and I think the reason the universe was screaming so loudly was because Tom wasn't being totally honest with me about his condition.

Since Tom passed, my inner voice is back to communicating loud and clear. And if I ever go against it, I usually find myself in trouble.

I think part of this journey is learning to trust in ourselves. This is uncharted territory for all of us. None of us could have imagined we'd be going through the things we're going through. So listen to that inner voice.

I spent the morning at our local casino while Molly (my precious four-legged sidekick) had a few hours in puppy daycare. We both had a little bit of fun this morning. Then we both came home and settled in for a quiet afternoon. I did some small chores. And I'm just taking it easy with myself today.

I hope your Sunday is going by peacefully and that you're relaxing and that your symptoms are settling back down.

Love you and take special care,
Robin

[RobinBlue]

Hi Shelby,

My back is feeling better today. Tomorrow's yoga outing should help as well.

I wish I could see Tom one more time as well. I wish I had been by his bedside when he passed - but I had no idea he was in that kind of trouble until I got the phone from the doctors in the middle of the night telling me he had been moved to ICU. By the time I got there, it was too late. There were no goodbyes or words of wisdom. Just a man in eternal sleep, the spirit slowly slipping away from him.

Right after Tom passed, I went through a panic. I could hear his daughter's snarky voice telling me I wasn't good enough/educated enough to talk to the doctors in the ICU (she's an RN) and that she would have asked this question or that question as a "trained professional". So I told the doctor to call her and tell her everything since I wasn't qualified. Anyway, I could hear her voice echoing through my head and I couldn't, for the live of me, hear Tom's voice. I was in tearful hysterics as I searched for old voicemails and there weren't any ... until I looked in my "deleted voicemail" folder and there was one message from 2014. He called me Sweetheart. I knew I had to save it to my computer so I did some research (I have an iPhone and a Mac) and found a $35 program that helped to transfer that voicemail to my computer and now it's in my iTunes folder - to be saved forever. And I can play it as often as I want. And I do find comfort in it.

Now I can hear his voice and his daughter's nasty little voice has faded ... as it should be.

Shelby, I want to say that you're not alone with your fears. There have been times when I have been crippled with fear myself. I thought I was grieving until a good friend told me that it sounded like fear to him. And after I sat back and thought about it, he was right. Me? I imagine myself as a turtle and I want to hide away in my shell. But I know I can't.

In our relationship, Tom was the outgoing, confident one. He spearheaded a lot of things. And me, in the role of his "buddy" (that was his nickname for me), I'd tag along. Now my leader and best friend are gone. And what the heck do I do now? Well, I'm listening more and more to that inner voice and taking my time, like you, to see what sparks my interest. But, also, when I'm faced with something I'm unsure of, I ask myself "what would Tom do?" He was a great teacher. And if I imagine him shoving my precious little behind out the door, then I have to push myself into doing the same thing.

There were many qualities I admired in him. And I'm trying to bring the best of him into my way of thinking and doing things.

The ultimate test for me? Getting in the car, by myself, and driving 18 hours (in two days) until I'm in Missoula, Montana. When I can finally do that, then I know I'll be okay. Until then, I just take it day by day.

Love you!!
Robin

[lynne123]

Hi Robin & Shelby,

Things are a bit better this eve, maybe we will have a peaceful night no problems to stress us out, although it sounds as though both of you are pretty calm. I would love to get another baby cat like the cute little female cat we had that got sick. but I'm afraid with my M.S. in case the cat should become sick or something and I cannot rely on people to help me as I explained to you robin.
Great speaking with both of you,
Take Care,
Love,
Lynne

[RobinBlue]

Hi Lynne,

I'm glad to see that last night was peaceful for you but I read elsewhere that things came to a head with Kelly and I'm sorry to hear that. As Terry suggested, give her a little bit of time then try approaching her again.

I was having a good day today. I had yoga this morning. I also went for my walk.

But on the way home from yoga, it hit me where I was this time last year. Tom and I were up in Montana, beginning what would be our last trip to Montana. We were house hunting. And found the partfect house except that there was no high speed internet. We also spent the 4th of July up there and attended a small town parade and a huge Pow Pow of the Northern Plains Indians. Then we drove home, disappointed that our house hunt wasn't successful. Seven months later, Tom would pass on.

I feel like climbing into bed, pulling the sheets over my head and cry and scream until all this pain just goes away.

I miss him. And I know I have to stop wishing for things that will never come true, but I still wish he were here.

Hope your evening is better than mine is turning out to be.

Take care,
Love,
Robin

[lynne123]

Hi Robin,
I understand, I am dreading the 4th I am going to speak with my brother here today to see if he might be having friends over. He just got back from vacation with his kids so don't know. Hopefully he will be having someone over for the 4th cause it is going to be hell if I am alone, I am sure you understand. Thank good ness all is good with Kelly and Betty. I wqas prretty rude to my mom yesterday, she just won't stop.

Love You,
Hopefully you will have plans for the 4th. I am curious ws your husband a gambler just cause you go a bit since we corresponded.

Again, have a great day,

[RobinBlue]

Hi Lynne,

Today is shaping up to be a rough day. I went for my walk this morning and came back in tears, wondering why the heck I even get out of bed and try to live a life without him. I don't have suicidal thoughts. But I'm really not seeing any point. This time last year, we were looking at houses in Montana - chasing dreams that would never come true. It was a waste of time and energy in hindsight. And I know Tom would want me to go on ... but he also wanted to move to Montana. It just doesn't seem fair.

Tom did like his slot machines. I've only been a few times on my own - I go with a set amount, if I lose it, that's fine but I won't hit up the ATM for additional funds. I get out of the house, Molly gets to play with her friends in puppy day care, I can use someone else's A/C and I'm passing some time. I have 4 Indian casinos within 30 minutes of where I live - the one I've been going to is about 15 minutes away. And they have a KFC and Rubios up there. Two of my weaknesses.

I am glad that things worked out with Kelly and Betty. Maybe you can get that kitten you were thinking about getting?

I lost my mom 20 years ago in August. In a way, I'm kinda glad she's not here now because I know she would be driving me nuts. Her intentions would have been golden - meaning she would just be looking out for me - but there are times in our lives when we don't want to be mothered. At a time when we're trying to find our own way down a new path, we have just have to do it on our own. People can walk with us, sometimes hold our hands, but they can't take the journey for us. I have found that some people, in their well-meaning intentions, do try to take the journey for us and that's when we have to assert ourselves and let them know that we need to learn to walk on our own.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

Love,
Robin

[lynne123]

Hi Robin,
Everytime I hear from you you just make me so happy, I only see you smiling. You are a wonderful person. I wish I can get a cat, but because my brother's are concerned about me and my m.s. They just don't get it, having another baby will help me. Unfortunately my brother called this am and they are doing nothing for the fourth. Ho knows maybe they will just suddenly say come over. None of my friends have even mentioned anything so I'm not asking. The only lady I e-mailed last eve who my Husband and I met in the market might call me back and I will see if she is doing anything. Oh Well, I will try and find something to do. I hate holidays. 
Anyway have a good day, I am sure I will send you another message tomorrow. I called a call from my doctor's nurse this am and he wants to see me tomorrow am and Kelly is available so she will take me. It's strange cause her company that she works for does not know that Kelly works for me privately, so I called Kelly this am to tell about my doctor and she called the company she works for and they asked her if she could take a client  to the doctor, not knowing it was me. She makes a lot more money from the company she works for as well, and was delighted I called her company to get someone to take me to Kaiser, funny

Love You,
Lynne

[RobinBlue]

Hi Lynne,

I'm glad my posts make you smile. Hearing from you makes me smile as well. And thank you for the kind words. I think you're pretty special, too.

I'm still in a rut and starting to stress over this Celebration of Life. Everyone keeps telling me I don't need to lift a finger ... but it seems I'm the only one spearheading it, organizing it, doing the work. I wasn't supposed to cook - now I'm flinging burgers for a crowd of 30+. It's 7/18. I'm already looking forward to 7/19 when this is all behind me.

Tom would say to just cancel it because it is turning out to be stressful ... but everyone is bugging me about it - so here I go, pleasing everyone but myself. Hmm. What's wrong with that picture?

But I went to Lowes today and ordered a new barbecue grill that will be delivered on Monday - his barbecue grill was on its last legs before he passed but he loved that grill so much. So I ordered the exact same one. And Lowes will take away the old one for me at no additional charge.

I also got myself a battery-operated chainsaw. A little thing to do little jobs.

Can we say Girl Power?!

I hope everything went well at your doctor's appointment. I see you have Kaiser. I'm not real happy with them. I mean, for me, they took great care of me when I had breast cancer. But they were a bunch of bumbling idiots when it came to taking care of Tom. Misdiagnosis. They gave him a staph infection on a blood draw that would ultimately take his life. I'll stay with Kaiser for now but as the dust settles, I might be changing my health care.

Well, it's time for me to get dinner started and feed Molly.

Take care and I'll chat with you tomorrow.

[lynne123]

Hi Robin,

Thanks for your response. Had a great visit with my 30yr doctor today, we laughed about the Fire Department  with me in my sexy underwear and no enmergency, but I had a really funny thing when I got home from the doctor, I went down to take my cart to save the manager from doing it so  I must have by mistake I hit the emergerency  elevator button and could not figure it out my cell phone was ringing in my hands and the call button was asking me if I was stuck in the elevator. Again I said no emergency but maybe I will have the cute guys back for a non emergeny again. pretty sick of me.  Thank goodness my visit to my wonderful doctor was good, but i jUST CRIED AND HE HELD ME, AND SAID I'M ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR YOU ANYTIME.  HE LOVED MY HUSBAND AND HAS A GREAT HEART.  NOW, WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW, I HAVE PRETTY DONE IT ALL TODAY.
IT IS GREAT ABOUT YOUR BARBECUE SOUNDS GREAT. i'M NOT SURE IF i AM GOING TO MY FRIEND, CAUSE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT IF I WAN'T TO COME HOME TO ASK HER TO BRING ME. HER FRIEND FROM IRVINE IS VERY NICE BUT SHE HAS A CHILD AND DALE MY FRIEND HAS TWO, ALMOST LIKE GOING TO A KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY. I HEARD TODAY NASCAR HAS A LOT OF RACING THIS COMING WEEKEND AND JUST MAYBE, MY BROTHER WILL JUST DAY COME OVER BUT NOT RELLYING ON IT. I WILL BE OK!!

I WILL SPEAK WITH YOU BEFORE THE 4TH,
LOVE,
LYNNE

[RobinBlue]

Hi Lynne,

I'm glad things went well with your doctor. It always helps to find there are people who can take the time to reach out and hold us during this journey. I'm glad your doctor is there for you.

I'm going to keep this short tonight. I'm having a very difficult evening - screaming, wailing. And I don't know what set it off but I need to go work this out. If I'm of a better frame of mind, I'll write you later on tonight or tomorrow.

Right now, I think I'll just go bury my face in my pillow.

Hope you had a better day than the one I'm having.

Love,
Robin

[Terry]

I'm going to keep this short tonight. I'm having a very difficult evening - screaming, wailing. And I don't know what set it off but I need to go work this out. If I'm of a better frame of mind, I'll write you later on tonight or tomorrow.

Right now, I think I'll just go bury my face in my pillow.

Robin, I'm sorry that you're having a difficult day. I sure do understand. Sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. That's why I believe the tortoise survives with no visible scars. It takes time and a whole lot of patience with ourselves but we do find our *pacing speed* and ultimately, balance.

Hugs

[lynne123]

Hi Robin,
Don't worry, it's 10:30 pm and I had my brother threatening me that if I am rude to my mom then he is done w3ith me. I called him back and said what do mean, you want me on the4 streets.  told him I am not his kids again. I have had enough of her calling Kelly a liar, but know I am thinking HO CAN $84.00 IN CASH SUDDENLY GO MISSING? PRETTY OD CAUSE THE MANAGER PULLED THE REGISTER RECEIPT OUT AND IT SAID THE SALESPERSON GAVE KELLY THE $176.00 BACK OR MORE I CANNOT REMEMBER BUT THEY ONLY GIVE CASH REFUNDS AT BED & BATH NOW, SO WHAT TO DO. SHE PICKS ME UP TOMOROW TO MARKET AND I HAVE BEEN GIVING AN EXTRA $10.00 AND SAYING I NEED EXTRA CASH AT HOME. NOT GOOD IT IS MAKING TOO STRESS FULL NOW, JST LIKE I THOUGHT I PUT $60.00 IN MY WALLET WHEN i WENT TO THE DOCTOR AND i USED MY dEBIT CARD CASH FOR PARKING AND CASH FOR TO HAMBURGER'S AND FRIES. OPENED MY WALLET AND NOMONEY IN THERE. MAYBE I'M LOOSING IT. ANOTHER THING I CALLRD THE BANK LINE AND AGAIN THEY PUT OVER $100 MORE FROM MY HUSBAND'S S.S.I. THEY HAVE PAID ME TWICE BEFORE BUT COULD NOT INFORM MY BROTHER AND SAID I WOULD GET A LETTER WHICH NEVER ARRIVED. 
I THINK I NEED ANOHER HALF ATIVAN TO GET TO SLEEP. I AM R3EFUSING TO GO TO MY BROTHER FOR DINNER TOMORROW WITH ALL THIS CRAZY STUFF WITH MY MOM'S ACCUSATIONS.

SORRY, FOR MY AWFUL DAY AND YOU'R,
WE RE TOGETHER FOREVER,
SLEEP TIGHT,
LOVE,
LYNNE

[funlearningmother]

Hi Lynne

Don't ever think you are losing it. People think it's a lot easier to take advantage of someone who is dependent on them. Even relatives! I am not sure exactly what happened there for you. Who was around you, etc. I couldn't understand all that you said there. I just know what people are capable of, no matter how much they may be trying to help or say they care. Trust yourself. How you will figure out who is taking it, I don't know. Another thing is that they may take some of your money and leave you some so you think it is you and that you are spending the money but you don't remember where or how. I hope I made that clear for you. You are in a rough situation.

As for your mom & brother. I think Robin is right in what she said about well meaning family. I also wonder if your mother treats you differently then she does your brother or when your brother is around and so what he sees and hears is different from what is actually happening. See if you can explain that to him without accusing your mother. It's not easy to do. I have learned to just express how I feel and why I feel that way. I rarely say to someone you did this or you did that. I just say I felt this way when this happened.

My mom used to do that kind of thing to me as well. She would try to tell me what to do and if I didn't listen to her she would try to take over and control the whole situation. I told her off a few times too and I remember my brother telling me I was being mean to her. I wanted to punch him for that. He knew how she was and still didn't get how I felt.

Hugs and love, Shelby