It's Been Two Weeks

[RobinBlue]

Good morning everyone ...

Well, I managed to sleep for about 5 hours last night. And when I woke up, I was expecting it to be around 6:00. Instead, it was 1:45 ... exactly two weeks ago at that time, I got a call from the hospital that Tom had been moved to ICU. And in less than 30 minutes from that point, he would be gone.

It was not my intention to get up and retrace those steps and the phone calls and the panic and the shock. It really wasn't. Yet, here I am ... marking moment by moment where I was and who I was with. All I can remember is fragments of conversations.

And now I can't get back to sleep. It's 3:45 here. And I'm tired and I'm numb and I wish he were here.

[Terry]

Hi Robin,

I hope you got some sleep today. These days and weeks and even months in early grief are so hard. I don't think we can help but retrace every step up to the moment they died....it's just human nature. It's something we all do.
We love so deeply and then in the blink of an eye that person is no longer physically with us. When that happens, the way we feel afterwards goes against everything we believe to be right and good and hopeful. It just shatters our very core.

The days and the weeks will get gentler in time. Try to take good care of yourself right now. That's most important.

You have my heart.

Love,
Terry

[RobinBlue]

No sleep here. I went for a walk today - we live out in the country and just had a good rain so everything is fresh and clean. It helped for a moment or two. I think once I dry this latest round of tears, I might take the dog and go out for another walk.

He was a volunteer on the Sheriff's Senior Patrol - something he got involved with in January of last year. He was very proud to help and serve. Well, today, I turned in his badge and ID card. That was hard. I wanted to keep the badge ... but with the stepdaughter causing grief, well ... I just didn't want any more hassles.

Earlier, I was almost frantic. For the life of me, I can't hear the sound of voice in my head. I can hear his daughter's voice (screeching, nasty sound that it is) ... but I can't hear his. It ripped me apart - I don't have a voicemail greeting on his voice ... no recordings of his voice anywhere. And then, lo and behold, I looked at my voicemail messages and there was a button that said "deleted messages" ... and there was a message from him from last year. I played it over and over again. He called me Sweetheart. And I was over the moon. My prize possession. I have to find some way to get that on my computer and other places should I ever lose the phone.

[Doug1222]

My dad was a deputy sheriff. When his accident happened, one of the first things my mom wanted me to do was stop by the impound yard that had his car and secure his badge and gun. He always carried them.

I still have his badge in a cedar chest he built.

Nobody ever asked for it. I actually have a couple of them he wore through the years.

I totally understand you wanting to return it to avoid trouble with the step-daughter, though. That makes sense.

How sweet that you have a message! You could record it and transfer it to the computer or even record it directly onto it.

[vjw]

Interrupted sleep cycle appears to be 'normal' from all I have read.
Listen to our bodies and sleep when it wants sleep.
18 days for me
and yes no recording of his voice either.

[Janka]

18 days for me

I´m very sorry for your loss!I lost my beloved man Jan and I know how hard it must be for you...
Welcome on our board and write us whenever you need to talk to...
Hope you can find a lot of comfort,support and understanding as we all know what you´re going through now.I´m on here for you,too...

Take care!

Hug you from the heart!

Janka

[funlearningmother]

Interrupted sleep cycle appears to be 'normal' from all I have read.
Listen to our bodies and sleep when it wants sleep.
18 days for me
and yes no recording of his voice either.

((((Vjw))))

Hope you are doing ok. Listening to your body is important. It is not easy for any of us even years later. I am having a rough time right now. Just focusing on day to day or minute to minute if it's real bad. Trying to take the best care of myself I can. I get lost though and some days I take vitamins and others I forget and the other days instead of vitamins I do other things that I forgot about. It's a little frustrating that I can not seem to find a pattern that I can just do it without thinking and still take care of myself the way I would like to.

Hugs and love,
Shelby

[Tom]

Yes vjw, grief wreaks havoc on our sleep.  Get the sleep you can when you can get it.